[RockerGirl]

Hi, I'm new here. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar II. I had a psychotic episode in '05 and one in Mar/Apr/May of this year. The last one caused me to be in a car accident and my license was suspended for six months. It was hard to get it back, but I am driving again. Both incidents seem to have been triggered by excessive use of THC.
I had family support during the first one, but my focus was on one of my siblings and I basically retaliated from years of emotional abuse from her and her husband (she is 20 years my senior and my parents have both passed). I recorded voice memos (some were pretty harsh) and copied my brother and a nephew so that sis couldn't lie. I was over the top psychotic.
The end result is that my family has pulled their support. I haven't spoken to any of them since March. It is absolutely tearing me apart. I have a few close friends here in Cali and some in my hometown of Boston, but I'm pretty isolated due to a back injury and have been disabled for 20 years. A few of my friends knew about my psychosis. I was kicked out of my apt. in the home of long term friends. A friend came down from OR to help me move and we have since gotten involved. He has been a great support.
I just don't know how to deal with family separation. Even my 30 yo son has stopped calling although that's not too unusual. I sent my 3 sibs a message with a few videos about BP, but only one responded with a generic 'hope you get better' message. One of my cousins has been extremely supportive. My brother (they are both in No. Cali too) asked about me and she told him to call. He said, 'I don't know how'.
Both episodes have shaken me to the core. I was hospitalized four times this time around. It was hell. I'm still trying to regain my confidence. I'm a singer/songwriter and it's been difficult to get back out to perform as I occasionally do. I'm also trying to start a voice coaching biz as my back allows.
Any advice on how to deal with my family is greatly appreciated!
I'm a strong person, but it's killing me. I've been on Lamictal (only up to 100mg) and it doesn't seem to be helping yet. I'm still having dark thoughts about suicide, but not enough to cause concern.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it so much.

[abipolargirl]

Sorry to hear about all of your loss MM. Sometimes we can be so self-destructive and not even realize it. I know things are tough for you right now but I know that you can survive - just as you've had to do all your life.

[abipolargirl]

Originally Posted by MilitaryMech

Hello all,

I'm a 32yo WM. Former US Marine (how I picked my name) and now an out of work RN.

I was diagnosed as BPII about this time last year, after attempting suicide.... I've got a REALLY long back story....

I come from a family that has mental illness all over it. Father's side of the family are all raging alcoholics. Mothers side is co-dependent and possibly bi-polar. Father most likely was born with FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) as his mother was always drunk. He is a VietNam veteran and has serious untreated PTSD. Did I mention he is a MD?

I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but fought the diagnosis. I had my father telling me "You're not crazy" and "You don't need the meds".... Thanks Dad.

I grew up with very few friends, and most of the ones I did have, I fought with and self destructed the friendships.

I joined the USMC because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I thought it would make my father proud of me.... Didn't work. I was "ONLY enlisted" and not worthy of him....

I only dated a few women until I met my wife. She told me she loved me and that was it. I fell madly in love with her.... Not because I actually loved her, but because she loved me. That was something I don't think I ever really experienced before.

My marriage was very much like all of my friendships before. I was very self-destructive and we fought constantly.

Because of her love and understanding, I managed to finish two, four-year "hitches" in the Marines. If not for her, I can honestly say I would have wound up in the "Brig" or dead.... I was NOT a popular person.

I was forced out of the Marines after 8-years, because of my craziness. I couldn't get promoted, and if you don't advance, you're out. I got out and after spending time in the University for Pre-Med, I decided to become a Nurse.

Turns out its a profession I love.... Too bad I can't seem to keep a job. I was just fired Sept. 24th because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I made an off-color joke to the wrong person and was cranky with a patient's daughter.... My fault entirely. This is the 4th job I've lost in the last 5 years.

Back to my marriage.... Sept. 11th last year, I figured out my wife was having an affair with a doctor at work (she is also a Nurse).... a Female Doctor. FML. I loved her, and told her I didn't care. I told her I was willing to "pull a Heinline" and have her Dr. move in with us.... That I could share her.... Yeah, right. She said she was just sick of my craziness and that she had to leave.... With our three sons.

After a month or so of begging and pleading and trying to get her back by any means I could think of, I lost it. One morning, we got into a fight. It started as me trying to keep her quiet but ended up not so good. I guess I just couldn't cope with her leaving.... Yeah, I have issues.

She bolted out of the house. I went to the kitchen and got a 10" carving knife out of the knife block..... I tried to get her to help me kill myself. She just looked at me, horrified. I took the knife and and tried.

Like I said, it should have gone right in.... I should have bled out on the spot. Instead, the knife bent in three places, like an accordion. Someone upstairs likes me.... or doesn't. Just depends on how you look at things.

That bought me a long weekend in the Psych ward.... Always fun to be a patient at the hospital you work at.... I had to tell my story to all the doctors who heard I was there and came to see me.

4 felony charges later, I pled down to one count of misdemeanor "simple battery" and have just over a month left on my probation.

My ex and I are in a nasty divorce. Believe it or not, I'm REALLY worried about her.... I'm afraid she is on drugs. She lies to everyone all the time and drops the kids on me without asking.

Last weekend, I had what I can only describe as a "Panic Attack".... I was anxious, jumpy and felt like my mind was going in a thousand different directions at once. I was cranky and had to keep away from my sons so I wouldn't snap at them. It made me realize just how bad life with me was before I accepted the diagnosis and started taking the medications.... I used to be like this all the time!

More to follow.....

Sorry to hear about all of your loss MM. Sometimes we can be so self-destructive and not even realize it. I know things are tough for you right now but I know that you can survive - just as you've had to do all your life.

[Debi54]

Hi, I'm new here, and like a lot of the stories I've been reading, mine is kind of long, too. I started feeling like there was something wrong with me when I was as young as about eight, I would have awful temper fits and cry for no reason. But I grew up with a mother whose anger could be set off by almost anything, and it was a scary thing to watch, so I hid my growing emotions in my room or when I left the house. By high school, I was in trouble constantly, until I finally quit and got a job. My parents made an attempt to take me to psychologist, who evaluated me and said I had a typical teenage "attitude problem". By the time I hit seventeen , I had a total breakdown. My mother was gone by then, I had left home but came back for awhile to stay with my Dad and lived in the room outside attached to the house. I came home one night, turned on AC/DC as loud as I could, and just started screaming. I kept on screaming until at some point I guess my dad heard me and came out, he tried to calm me, but I didn't even really realize he was there. Finally, I fell asleep. He took me to another doctor the next day, who decided family counseling was the answer. I never saw my actual diagnosis. Over the next 20 years, I ruined 3 marriages, had problems with drinking and drugs, became violent with my ex husbands and in general. The only ones I neverr hurt , physically anyway, were my children. When my second husband left, I went back to work to take care of them, and met a girl at work who seemed just as crazy as I was, so I started talking to her. I asked her why she was the way she was , and she told me she was bipolar. I asked what that was, and as she started explaining it, I thought, "That's me!" Shortly after that, I moved to another state, where I started seeing a psychiatrist, as the girl suggested. I also asked my father, if when he got my diagnosis from that doctor all those years ago, if it said anything about manic depression. He said it said something like that. I have that eval now.It said I showed the signs of manic depression, and if not put on medication, would be at high risk for alcohol and possibly drug abuse, everything in it was like my life come to pass. I was angry. I'm still angry. I was diagnosed here, where I live now, at the age of 31, with Bipolar II, with Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Intermittent Rage Disorder. I'm on treatment now, and maintenance for drug dependence, but I feel all of that could have been prevented, and mine and my children's lives could have been a lot different. My parents handle the whole thing as an embarrassment to them, my Mom read 2 chapters of a book about I bought and then found it too depressing that her child had that, and my father acts like I'm fine. I'm in that category of the medication only partially works, so this is as good as it gets, and I go into depressions constantly. I just don't understand why if I have to deal with it, nobody else is willing to, except for my 16 year old son. He loves me no matter what, Thank God for him. But my family hurts me, and they either don't understand or don't care.

[Debi54]

Originally Posted by chanda101

Hi, I'm 40. Feeling worthless, hate myself. Actively destroying a good relationship because I'm a paranoid idiot. Don't know how to stop being paranoid. Being paranoid and jealous are two seperate feelings and hard to explain. Tired of having to explain my stupid self. My brain tells me to drive off cliffs. Yeah. I'm loads of fun.....lol hate being told to stop feeling sorry for myself. If I could I would, duh. Nice to meet others possibly in same boat. :-(

I'm 43, and am having the same issues as you. I understand jealous and paranoid are 2 different things, and I too have a habit of destroying my relationships. After some soul-searching, I realized it was because I figure tha person is going to get to know what I'm really like "with the bipolar mood swings and such" and leave me, so my defense is to drive them away before they can leave. That way, I can blame them. But in the process, you might drive away that special person who CAN handle the real you. And I've thought of driving off of cliffs, too,(we have plenty here), but if your luck is like mine, you'll just get hurt real bad, and total out your car!

[Debi54]

I forget whose post I read now, but someone was scared of taking meds. I can understand that. I feel like I've been on every one they make, just about. I refuse to go on Lithium, because of the side effects. When I was in my 20's and still looking for help, I was misdiagnosed with depression and put on various antidepressants alone. They didn't help at all, and in some cases, like Zoloft, made it even worse. Since I was finally diagnosed correctly, and a mood stabilizer added, it's been much better. But we had to play around with that too, First, I was on something I don't remember, then Depakote, which worked fine up till about 6 months, when I started getting huge bruises everywhere and my hair fell out in chunks. Then they switched me to Topamax, which I'm still on to this day. It has very few side effects, but over long term use affects your memory and your balance. Then he added two anti-depressants to that, and and anti-anxiety medication. All this, and you'd think I'd feel better, wouldn't you? I'm rapid cycling, so my mood changes like the weather. I never get the real high highs, but I get crashing lows that make me wish something would fall out of the sky on me. I would never commit suicide, because of my son, but there sre days I wish I could. And I'm scared to play around with the meds any more, because the last two times he changed them were disastrous.

[dejadanine]

My name is Dacia, I am 30years old and I am currently in a treatment facility in Cali for bipolar and substance abuse. I have had a long hard road since being diagnosed at 19. I just got back on my meds after 4 years of being off of them and living in total chaos. I need constant reminders to stay on my meds. They are still toying with them and I tend to get aggrivated and pull myself off which I learned at this treatment center I can not do. I will be returning home to Florida in two weeks and am scared. I am thinking of joining the NAMI chapter in my home town. Anyone have any suggestions?

THANKS!

[Reality_Perfection]

Hi,

My name is Jenna. I was just diagnosed on November 8th this year with Bipolar 1 Disorder. I had gone to the hospital for a suicide attempt and ended up in an instituion. Thank goodness they were able to help me because at that time I didn't know where my life was going to go. At the time, I believe that I was in a mixed episode and I started hating the way I felt. After I was diagnosed, I was put on 100mg of Lamictal 2 times per day, 30mg of Cymbalta 1 times per day, and 40mg of Strattera once per day. Yesterday, I was put on 2mg of Risperdal once per day. Let me tell you, Risperdal works amazingly, but at the moment it makes me feel VERY drowsy. I guess that's why my doc put me on it at nightime. Haha. Anyways, I'm doing and feeling much better than I was before and I know that this is only the beginning of it! A couple of times, I have wondered if I'm only normal, and I'm not Bipolar, but as with a lot of people who get diagnosed with Bipolar think, I thought I wanted to go off my meds. Then I realized that that would not be a good reason because I looked back on how chaotic my life was before treatment and that is enough to make me not want to stop my meds. Well, in a non-manic way, I can definitely say that I feel amazing and I am finally living my life the way I've been needing for as long as I can remember!

Jenna
XO

Hi. I'm Gina. I live in Pennsylvania. I have Bipolar Type II and recently was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year. Spent time in an inpatient facility. The doctors have tried 5 different medication treatments in several combinations. And I still struggle.

I joined the community in hopes of finding someone to talk to, some understanding, some support.

I feel alone and like everything is falling apart around me.

[twiddle]

Hi All {waves} my name is MaryAnn and I'm from upstate NY. I'm 49, have bipolar I disorder and COPD and bad arthritis in both knees!! I was diagnosed with bipolar in my early 40's after a misdiagnosis of major depression, agoraphobia and anxiety disorder. I am currently stable on lithium, paxil, risperdal and alprazolam.

I think I've been bipolar since I was 10 yrs old or so but it never truly manifested itself until I was in my 40's. Came here looking for some knowledge, some insight and maybe so brothers and sisters in arms to make this struggle a bit easier.

[Debi54]

Originally Posted by dejadanine

My name is Dacia, I am 30years old and I am currently in a treatment facility in Cali for bipolar and substance abuse. I have had a long hard road since being diagnosed at 19. I just got back on my meds after 4 years of being off of them and living in total chaos. I need constant reminders to stay on my meds. They are still toying with them and I tend to get aggrivated and pull myself off which I learned at this treatment center I can not do. I will be returning home to Florida in two weeks and am scared. I am thinking of joining the NAMI chapter in my home town. Anyone have any suggestions?

THANKS!

I know how you feel. I have been on treatment for substance abuse for almost four years now and I still struggle with it. I take Suboxone as a replacement for the pills I used to eat by the handfull, and it has worked wonders. I would recommend this treatment to anyone who has that sort of problem, along with counseling. I see my doctor every 30 days, and have maintained this for a good while. I will be returning to Florida in a few months as well, and while I am not generally a "group" person, I read the posts on here because I find it makes me feel like I am not the only one with these kinds of problems.

[hopeeternal]

Hi, I'm diagnosed Bipolar I and have psychotic breaks. Not too often, thank God. I also suffer from Tourette Syndrom, but again, not having too much trouble with that lately.

I'm here to hopefully compare notes and see your stories. I've already read so much here, and see mostly sad stories. I wish there were more success, but I know that dealing with bipolar is such an up-and-down thing. For me, I'm older (56), and am mostly depressed. I can't remember my last manic episode, but I'm also a rapid-cycler, so it's possible I missed that.

It doesn't help that my wife's recent infidelity has triggered a major depression, plus some symptoms of PTSD.

I am now so under-motivated that I'm trying to hide it from my wife, who is really trying hard to reconcile with me on this marriage thing. I don't want to appear weak or sick at this time, but I am having trouble just functioning.

Anyhow, I hope that I can contribute something here, and that I can learn from you all. God bless.

[WhiteClouds]

Hi, I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder approximately 2 months ago. I've been on and off meds for years. Nothing seemed to work. Finally my Therapist & Psychologist said I have Bipolar disorder, mixed state. Whatever that means.
I'm currently on Lithium & Prozac. So far so good. I have my good days and bad days. SO far I don't have the racing thoughts, forgetfulness, anxious, tense, irritable feelings anymore. I didn't used to be this way. My symptoms began when I was 24yrs old during my husbands deployment. Ever since then the symptoms have only gotten worse.
I'm embarrassed majority of the time. How can the lady known to keep it together, always polished, always the helper be so explosive in her home. God knows how many times my neighbors have heard my screaming, yelling rants that last hours on end. In my community I'm literally a pariah. I want to just hide myself sometimes. I'm so ashamed of how I am at times.
I've gone from very confident and sure of myself. To now I question everything I do. Does it make sense? Is this an episode? What will my quality of life be like? Does everyone think I am crazy? Will I ever be able to make connections with people again? Will people want to be my friend if they knew?
I'm hanging in there, one day at a time.

[all4karma]

Hello! My name is Di. I was diagnosted bipolar 2 two years ago. Had been treated for depression for two years before that. Been having a hard time the last few months trying to get meds & dosage settled. First med she had me on once diagnosed worked great for a year and a half. Now I am having very bad anger issues. My husband is great and very supportive. My Mom is having a tough time accepting that I am bipolar. Are there any suggestions of books she can read? I am currently looking for a support group her & I can both go to. This is the first time I have ever been in a forum or online group. Looking forward to being able to share with everyone.

[Debi54]

Originally Posted by WhiteClouds

Hi, I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder approximately 2 months ago. I've been on and off meds for years. Nothing seemed to work. Finally my Therapist & Psychologist said I have Bipolar disorder, mixed state. Whatever that means.
I'm currently on Lithium & Prozac. So far so good. I have my good days and bad days. SO far I don't have the racing thoughts, forgetfulness, anxious, tense, irritable feelings anymore. I didn't used to be this way. My symptoms began when I was 24yrs old during my husbands deployment. Ever since then the symptoms have only gotten worse.
I'm embarrassed majority of the time. How can the lady known to keep it together, always polished, always the helper be so explosive in her home. God knows how many times my neighbors have heard my screaming, yelling rants that last hours on end. In my community I'm literally a pariah. I want to just hide myself sometimes. I'm so ashamed of how I am at times.
I've gone from very confident and sure of myself. To now I question everything I do. Does it make sense? Is this an episode? What will my quality of life be like? Does everyone think I am crazy? Will I ever be able to make connections with people again? Will people want to be my friend if they knew?
I'm hanging in there, one day at a time.

That's all you can do, I've found, is take things a day at a time. My symptoms started in childhood, but I came from a family where appearances were important, so I learned to keep my emotions in check in public, plus I had a very domineering mother, and only one of us was allowed to have emotional outbursts, so that was her. I hid my temper tantrums in my room until I moved out on my own. Once I did, all the symptoms really came to the surface. No, you're not crazy, you just have a disorder. Given the right combination of medications, it can be controlled. And I wouldn't worry about what other people think, worry about what YOU think. If people are truly your friends, they will be your friends whether you are bipolar or not. It does make relationships a bit harder, but those who care will support you. And the quality of your life is, I'm discovering, what you make of it.

[mmmg9]

Hi all, I'm AB and I was diagnosed bipolar II three years ago (though I still have not accepted this diagnosis). I've never been on mental health forums, but today I was feeling especially alone and decided to give it a try.

[Tink21]

Originally Posted by Merlin

My name is Laura and I live in western Canada. I have type II bipolar and post traumatic stress disorder. I am currently stable due to effective medication and am devoting the efforts I used towards getting well towards helping others get well too. I am a community rehabilitation worker and am taking a bachelors in social work focusing on mental illness.

Hi Laura,
You have the same diagnoses as me...can I ask how you got to the enviable 'stable' stage?

I've just spent time in hospital because I was frightened to sleep due to the nightmares and ended up clinically sleep deprived. And it has triggered a major mood crash. I'm out of hospital but struggling. They've changed my meds about..am still on Quetiapine & Lamotrigine for the bipolar but instead of the Duloxetine I was taking for the depression they've put me on Mirtazapine because apparently it will help with the PTSD symptoms? The main problem I've got is that the increased dose of Quetiapine along with the Mirtazapine and Temazepam I'm permanently feeling 'drugged'. I want to be able to function during the day but the Consultant is drilling into me that sleeping is the most important thing because it will give me the strength to cope with everything else.

So all in all I'm wobbling and don't know what is the best thing to do!

[Autumn City]

Um, hello there! I'm Autumn, and I'm kinda new to this site. I'm 15 years old, and it's not really known for sure whether or not I actually have a bipolar disorder, but it's possible. I'm incredibly moody; sometimes my mood changes within an amount of days, or even as little as an hour. One day I'm laughing hysterically at everything, and the next I just want to be alone. I don't really know anybody else besides my grandmother who's bipolar, and I don't ever see her, so I don't really have anything to compare myself to- I know that if I am bipolar though, it's not too severe.

Anywho, there's more to me than just that one thing, but until you guys learn more about me... well, it's nice to meet you.

[bp09]

Hey, y'all! I'm Tami. I'm undiagnosed, but I believe I have bipolar 2 disorder. There's a very strong family history of bipolar on one side of my family and all of the symptoms seem to fit. I remember being very depressed as early as 6. Throughout my life I've experienced severe depression with rare 'upswings' where I'd have lots of energy, stay up all night, have racing thoughts, and be able to communicate at the speed of light. It's nice to put a name to that. Now, thanks to hormonal therapy (for an unrelated issue) and holistic medicine, I'm not as depressed as often. Still, I'd like to learn more about others experiences with bp and bp2.

[wildchild r]

Hello, I am wildchild,this is may alias,as Im known by friends.I was diagonsed PTSd may years ago, and last year diagnosed Bipoar.Ive had this Bipolar disorded I suspect since my teen years.Ive been on 3 different meds, nothing seems to help the depression, just seems to keep the mania down.it just keeps getting more intense.Ive recently lost my father,denied SSI,lost my dog of 12 yrs too.If being told "that things could be worse","get a positive attitude", "snap out of it" thorwing away my Colonzpin, and tell me"your handling things beautifully without it" is family support,then thats the extent of it, so I also turned to this site for help outside theropy that isnt helping.Im expected to help care for my mother,no-one wants her to be alone, and I smoke like a freight train.BTw, my spelling sux too,so please forgive me.

[tc2012]

Originally Posted by Merlin

Welcome to our forum! Come in and introduce yourself to other members!! This thread is place for new members to get the attention and feedback of the older members, or older members to give more information about themselves. They can discuss diagnosis, treatment or another other topic of their disorder and older members will respond.

I created this introduction thread due to the number of introductions posted on the "Bipolar Chat" sticky. The Bipolar Chat that I lead is now scheduled on Fridays at 9 PM EST. It will cover a variety of topics which will be posted in the chat announcement and outlines will also be posted for those unable to make the chats. The first Friday of the month Wingin'it will lead an open Bipolar Chat. Those will Bipolar are also invited to the Depression Chat on Wednesday at 9 PM EST, but there will be significant overlap in topic.

Is it ok for me to post here? I am a new member. I do not have Bipolar, but my son does and he really needs help.

Thank you!

Originally Posted by Polly23

I fell like I deprive the kids their mom sometimes. Hate crying all the time too. However it's better than the irritability/agitation that comes with the hypomania/mania. I can be such a major "B".

Me too. I feel like I am unable to get away from kid/family chaos as often as I need to, and I too can be a major "B"!

[starfish33]

Hi there...I was diagnosed with bipolar almost exactly a year ago after a reaction to Zoloft sent me into mania, probably the scariest thing I have ever experienced. Before that I had struggled with depression and intense anxiety, and truly thought I was just crazy and I would have to live that way forever. I was put on different meds after the Zoloft catastrophe and have been on them for a year. The thoughts I had during that confusing time still haunt me daily, which leads me to believe there could be different forms of treatment that would help me feel stable on a more consistent basis. I have never been to any type of group therapy and have never got the chance to talk to someone with bipolar about being bipolar, so I look forward to meeting some of you and hearing about your experiences

[Dizzicizzi]

Hi everyone... I'm Dizzi. I was diagnosed with borderline personalty disorder back in February after I was put on Sertraline for depression and anxiety and had a crazy reaction where I had huge mood swings, crazy thoughts, got really impulsive and attempted to commit suicide on 5 separate occasions. The docs wouldn't believe me when I told them I was not like that before the medication so refused to listen to me when I said I was not usually like that. Anyway fast forward to November and I had ended up in hospital again with a dire bout of depression. They started me on Lexapro and although a slower reaction, I went nuts again, It was then that they decided I was manic... This is all new to me, I am so confused and lost and currently not being medicated (though I have an appointment with the pdoc tomorrow). Any support/information I can get here would be great!

[Gretchen]

Hi All, Gretchen here