[Annie Laurie]

Hi, everyone,

Still hypomanic but wanted to stop by and say hello to all friends here. My hands are folded in prayer for you, Nacht. Thinking of you.

Waking about every 75 minutes although I've cut antidepressant in half over the past 6 weeks. My appt. with new therapist is Friday.

Annie Laurie

[crowser]

Hi, i'm crowser.
i'm 16 years old. i know that i've got bipolar disorder around 5 days ago. i know about bipolar disorder because someone i know got this. i start to find something about this and i have been suspicious that i got this disorder too. so i tried to search the website that have the bipolar test, and then the result from the test is.... i got severe bipolar disorder. i'm not too surprise i got bipolar disorder. it's because so many reasons:
1. at some moment i can suddenly got angry (not reasonable)
2. sometimes i like to be alone.
3. i always feels hopeless about my life
4. i'm emotional. sometimes i can't control it
5. at some moment i can be more creative than usual and i'll be a workaholic.

okay, next time i will sharing about this bipolar disorder and me.. sorry if my english isn't good.

Thanks for saying hi. I've got a meeting with a new therapist as well, later today. i have hemmed and hawed about keeping the appt but I also realize I'm in a tender frame of mind and could use an outside perspective. Good luck to you.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

Hi, everyone,

Still hypomanic but wanted to stop by and say hello to all friends here. My hands are folded in prayer for you, Nacht. Thinking of you.

Waking about every 75 minutes although I've cut antidepressant in half over the past 6 weeks. My appt. with new therapist is Friday.

Annie Laurie

Good to hear that you found some support with the BP group. I wish they had something like that here, but most of the groups deal with substance abuse as it is a big problem in this area. So I have been active with PC and it has been helpful and everyone is so supportive and knowledgeable. Keep us posted Annie Laurie!

[Rose76]

Suddenly, a week ago, I had a loved one become very ill. That seemed to kick me into hypomanic mode. My depression and anxiety about myself went out the window. Suddenly, I had a focus that absorbed my energies and mental capacities. I was totally absorbed with loved one's needs, which were extensive.

Loved one is very much improved and, seemingly, not in crisis, at present. I have lost my drive and am sluggish and am trying without success to talk myself into taking a needed shower. That is kind of pathetic. I will allow that I do have a disorder. I think, however, that I would better manage my disorder, if I had more "character."

[porcupine2]

Rose76 - please don't be so hard on yourself. Bipolar is an illness, just like cancer or lupus or any other disease. Chemicals in our body don't give us or take away 'character'. All of the posts I've read from you have been very helpful and honest. We are all in this together and you are an important part of the circle!

[venusss]

How does one know the difference between what is the "illness" and what is their character? I refuse to see myself as merely as dysfunct biochemical factory...

[Annie Laurie]

Porcupine2,

Thank you! I hadn't known we had such a group either but learned about it through phone hotline. If you have a phone hotline locally or within 20+ miles (however far you'd be willing to drive every few weeks for support), it might be worth calling and asking about it. Another source might be a NAMI group -- something else I also just found out about. I believe NAMI can inform you about support groups near you. I agree that PC is very, very helpful on a regular basis.

[Annie Laurie]

Suddenly, a week ago, I had a loved one become very ill. That seemed to kick me into hypomanic mode. My depression and anxiety about myself went out the window. Suddenly, I had a focus that absorbed my energies and mental capacities. I was totally absorbed with loved one's needs, which were extensive.

Rose76, how wonderful that you were able to utilize your strengths to help your loved one during that time of extreme need. Now, in the aftermath during your OWN time of need, dear one, what if you accept this as a time when you need that same tender loving care you offer to others. The person (you) who offered such loving kindness to your loved one didn't call the loved one "pathetic" or "lacking in character," and as I'm getting to know you here, I see you as courageous and caring and willing to go the extra mile for others. Even God rested on the 7th day!

Loved one is very much improved and, seemingly, not in crisis, at present. I have lost my drive and am sluggish and am trying without success to talk myself into taking a needed shower. That is kind of pathetic. I will allow that I do have a disorder. I think, however, that I would better manage my disorder, if I had more "character." [/quote]

Acceptance ...

[wackywidow]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Suddenly, a week ago, I had a loved one become very ill. That seemed to kick me into hypomanic mode. My depression and anxiety about myself went out the window. Suddenly, I had a focus that absorbed my energies and mental capacities. I was totally absorbed with loved one's needs, which were extensive.

Loved one is very much improved and, seemingly, not in crisis, at present. I have lost my drive and am sluggish and am trying without success to talk myself into taking a needed shower. That is kind of pathetic. I will allow that I do have a disorder. I think, however, that I would better manage my disorder, if I had more "character."

This happens to all caregivers. It is normal. Don't chip away at your self esteem by saying, "I would better manage my disorder, if I had more character." That statement can be so self-defeating.

I have experienced the same thing at times. What helped me the most was to sit down and write down my present priorities just as they are presenting themselves to me at that particular time. I then rearrange them into their importance and list them 1, 2, 3, etc. Start small, do not try and do it all. Throw in a few fun things. Take a long bubble bath instead of a quick shower. Fix yourself your favorite milkshake. Take a walk. Be creative. You need not to dwell on the negative aspects of your disorder or you will drown in your own pain.

Be grateful for the opportunity of helping your loved one out. Not everyone has that privilege. Keep in touch with the individual. Perhaps he/she can use some after care ocassionally.

I know you will find something to fill in your hours just because you are aware of the problem but remember it is not a character flaw. I suspect you have much more character than you realize right now, so do not panic.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

How does one know the difference between what is the "illness" and what is their character? I refuse to see myself as merely as dysfunct biochemical factory...

I think what is in your heart shows your character as well as your
intentions. It reveals you.
The illness is outside of you and has nothing to do with your soul.

[Annie Laurie]

Hi, everyone,

I saw new therapist today and liked her. I wasn't able to get another appt. with her for another month due to her sched. & mine, but I'm feeling very hopeful. Wanted to drop by here and let all of you know. I am hopeful and thankful to everyone here for being so kind and helpful to me.

Annie Laurie

[Dustystar13]

Hi my name is Lee and I have bipolar I live in England . I was first diagnosed with bipolar 20 years ago and I have experienced the highs and the lows I find that now I understand what I have I can deal with it much better I get good days and bad days . I work full time and find that it helps ot kill time etc saves me worrying about things that may or may not happen, the thing is the best tonic is to try and not get stressed. I am not sure how ever I like to do things my own way in my own time . The key is the right meds and the right support with your friends and family . If you find talking stressful some times I find that you can try a mood diary just 10 mins a day writing down your thought etc plus a good nights sleep just to keep everything in balance . This is my first post and look forward to your comments thank you Lee

[wackywidow]

Originally Posted by Dustystar13

Hi my name is Lee and I have bipolar I live in England . I was first diagnosed with bipolar 20 years ago and I have experienced the highs and the lows I find that now I understand what I have I can deal with it much better I get good days and bad days . I work full time and find that it helps ot kill time etc saves me worrying about things that may or may not happen, the thing is the best tonic is to try and not get stressed. I am not sure how ever I like to do things my own way in my own time . The key is the right meds and the right support with your friends and family . If you find talking stressful some times I find that you can try a mood diary just 10 mins a day writing down your thought etc plus a good nights sleep just to keep everything in balance . This is my first post and look forward to your comments thank you Lee

Welcome to the Forum! I have had BP for 40 years and have had some pretty harrowing roller coaster rides with it. Do you have a T to help you analyze your problems on a neutral ground? Family and friends are not always the best to turn to for help, except for support. While doing honest therapy work, one sometimes has to give up doing things their own way and in their own time. I wonder if you have reached that point yet. If you haven't maybe now is the time to come out of hiding and reveal the real you. I hid for years and was not free, even though I said I was free. Once I became honest with myself, and admitted I needed some professional help that is when I started to become free. It has taken a lot of hard work and continues to take hard work and always will take hard work. Freedom is not free!

Holler back when you want to. This is a very friendly and open community.

[littlehippie86]

Hi all,

I am a 25 year old female who was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder last September....I was in denial for about 6 months at least. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety but had never really had a full blown manic episode until my military doctor put me on zoloft for the depression and it sent me on a rocket ship to mania. Looking back I had experienced low levels of mania before this but never had I felt something so intense as I did when the anti depressants started. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't sleep for 6 days or eat. I couldn't stop talking to anyone that would listen, strangers even lol I spent a ridiculous amount of money and got two tattoos that I still regret to this day. Now that its really set in that this isn't going away and I have experienced the manic part twice since getting out of the military and being on my Bipolar meds I know its real and I have to face it. I am lucky that I get money from the VA and medication to help me survive and am very grateful for that. The area I have the most problem with is social situations. I got unengaged last year to my fiance that I had been with for 4 years. Our relationship was tumultous (sp?) to say the least and now I know why. I finally started dating someone new only to have it end 4 months later because of my "issues". I have gone through several "besties" since high school, being really close to them for a short time and it always fizzling out. I am attempting school finally because I can't live on disablity and not do anything...it is making things worse. But besides going to school I rarely leave my apartment and have been rather depressed lately. I am trying to be optimistic and well things really can only go up from here ... Thanks for reading.

[porcupine2]

littlehippie86 - sounds like you may need a drug change asap. It doesn't help me at all so I'm on prozac. It seems this medication is making things worse instead of better for you. Ask your doctor if he can switch you to something else - there is so many other meds available out there. Good luck!

[Dustystar13]

Originally Posted by heather_82

hi my name is heather. i am 28 years old living with bipolar. i need alot of advices. i have been going to groups im on meds that havebeen working really good now we found out one is trocts to my body. im going down on that pill and very worried beause i have come along ways but i am having trouble with my bf and what i doing to him.

Hi Heather try and keep up with the meetings living with bipolar is ok when everything is in balance etc it some times takes a while to find the right meds which you find suit you best try mood diary 10 mins a day hope your b/f will help in your own time it's some times hard when bipolar is not under control etc . Dustystar13

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

How does one know the difference between what is the "illness" and what is their character? I refuse to see myself as merely as dysfunct biochemical factory...

My own belief is that we do not know for sure which is which. I believe that is true when I try to figure out myself, and, also, when I try to figure out others. Having that belief - kind of a philosophy, really - inclines me to be non-judgmental of others, and of myself, also. At the same time, I try to balance that with holding myself responsible, and others, also.

One of my favorite quotes is: "There, but for the Grace of God, go I." One could substitute "Grace" with neurochemical make-up, or character, or maybe some other things. I like the term "Grace" myself. But it all applies.

I might be getting a little incoherent.

Over a century ago, great minds debated "free-will" verses "determinism." Neither side prevailed with the most compelling argument, except in the minds of those who chose one or other outlook as being "to their taste."

We just don't know because our minds aren't equipped to KNOW - or so I believe. God, if there is one, does know. It would take divine omniscience in order to KNOW.

That's my philosophy . . . . and that is all it is.

A lot of what passes for science, e.g. psychology/psychiatry/neuropsychiatry, is, possibly, just someone else's "philosophy." Today's science is tomorrow's superstition. (At least, we know that about yesterday's science. Modern science flatters itself that it is above the mistakes of the past.)

[Annie Laurie]

"...Our relationship was tumultous (sp?) to say the least and now I know why. I finally started dating someone new only to have it end 4 months later because of my "issues". I have gone through several "besties" since high school, being really close to them for a short time and it always fizzling out. I am attempting school finally because I can't live on disablity and not do anything...it is making things worse. But besides going to school I rarely leave my apartment and have been rather depressed lately. I am trying to be optimistic and well things really can only go up from here ... Thanks for reading.[/quote]

Hi, LittleHippie,

Welcome. Being here on the forums has been helpful to me and I hope it will be for you as well. I've been talking too much lately, so I just wanted to pop in and offer some encouragement to you. You'll find many kind and loving people here. Be good to yourself, dear.

Annie Laurie

[Dustystar13]

Hi I think I can understand how you feel I work full time have had bipolar for 20 years I am new also to the forum the only real friend I have is my dad etc I just shut my self off from all others like you I get in to my car go home and shut the doors etc I think that I feel lonely and hate the bipolar label etc bit I think that there is light at the end of the tunnel we have too all work together to try and help one another we can just spend 10 mins aday writing a mood diary I do it for my self only I think that we worry about things that may or may not happen or what people think of us I am not open about the bipolar at work I cope and deal with it in my own way et I hope that I can give you a bit of encouragement that there are people out there who want to help etc I find that you need to do thinks in my own time but that does not please everybody etc dustystar13

[linger]

Hi, I am new here and am going by linger. I have had chronic depression my whole life, since my earliest memory under 3 years old. I know I've had mania too, but often when I'm manic it's such a relief not to be depressed I sometimes confuse it with feeling normal and only on looking back can I point out symptoms. So it took me awhile to for sure realize I had manic-depression. I think mostly I am either severly depressed or mixed or hypomanic. I believe that's Bipolar Disorder II?

I guess I have rapid cycling since I can go back and forth between severe depression and hypomania many times in a year. I just read that most bipolar people only have around 9 episodes in their life? Maybe I misread, but anyway that doesn't describe me at all since I can't really remember a time I wasn't starting, in the middle of, or ending yet another cycle, all 30 years of my life.

I'm only guessing I'm bipolar since the one psychologist I saw laughed when I said I think I'm bipolar. She had seen me about 3 times and maybe saw me as composed and well-speaking (which is not how I feel, but I think I over-compensate trying to act normal). Then she tried to backtrack and asked if I have ever acted really crazy, or anyway she used words to that extent. I said no, because I haven't exactly ran through the streets naked or painted my apartment all blue in one night, but I am capable of such impulsivity (well, maybe not the naked part) so just because I haven't done some grand gesture she can mark down as "crazy" I don't think means I'm not bipolar. So anyway, I'm guessing she wasn't very good at her job? She certainly didn't help me, or even try to diagnose me. So I'm wary of trying to find someone else who can since most psychologists I research seem to act a lot like her. I could use advice in how to find a good psychologist who would be willing to diagnose me, especially living in a small-population county and trying to hold a job that would prevent me from seeing someone during normal week hours. Anyone over the phone or online, perhaps?

[linger]

Also, sorry to be irritable, but those moving smilies on the right when I write are very, very annoying and distracting. Is there any way for me to stop them? I had to shrink the page and move it to the right to hide them.

[Erkz]

I'm new here, as my post count will reflect I'm here for Bipolar.

I googled and found this site because I needed a sort of private place to reflect on how I'm feeling and what I'm going through- a place to share and get support when I don't necessarily want to bounce things off my spouse or IRL friends.

A quick summary of my background:
In a depressive state when I was experiencing ever stronger suicide ideation, I mustered the strength to leave my house and went downtown to try to,"pick myself up by the bootstraps". What ended up happening instead is I ended up meeting some people and had a one night binge with cocaine. In retrospect I believe I was attempting to recapture hypomania, though it wasn't exactly the same and certainly not as pleasurable(i'm not paranoid and I don't clench my jaw when I'm naturally up). So, the experience was already a bust. Then, I had a random urinalysis- I am in the *military-and of course failed. I'll get more into those details later(for brevity's sake), the point right now is that afterwards I was diagnosed with Bipolar. Previously it was Severe/Major Depression, anxiety, and later PTSD. So, I do have a pretty long mental health history but it's only since this summer that I've been treated for Bipolar. I'm having a rough time of it, but at least I don't feel like I'm spinning my wheels anymore. I hope that I can have a safety net here, because being alone absolutely makes panic attacks come on faster/get to a dangerous point, and depression seems to feed on seconds. Feeding that and laying fetal in bed is probably not the answer. Sorry this wasn't actually brief. Anyways, good to be here.

*in no way do I hold any animosity toward the military and did my punishment with humility and a jump in my step.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Erkz

I'm new here, as my post count will reflect I'm here for Bipolar.

I googled and found this site because I needed a sort of private place to reflect on how I'm feeling and what I'm going through- a place to share and get support when I don't necessarily want to bounce things off my spouse or IRL friends.

Welcome Erkz. Like you, I too struggle with bipolar. Friends and family just don't get it, nor do I expect them to because how can they know something they haven't experienced? That's why I like this forum. You can read all the different threads and realize you are not alone. Definitely a good place to 'bounce'!

Hi linger!
Firstly, it really does take a professional to diagnose. We can't do it, and really, you shouldn't either. There's nothing wrong with wondering about it of course, but it sounds like it may have crossed the line into self-diagnosis ("So it took me awhile to for sure realize I had manic-depression." <italics mine>), but then you say ("I'm only guessing I'm bipolar...") so maybe not. BUT, I can't help but wonder if you have basically self-diagnosed that that is having a strong influence on questioning the competence of your T, you know? ("I haven't exactly ran through the streets naked or painted my apartment all blue in one night, but I am capable of such impulsivity (well, maybe not the naked part) so just because I haven't done some grand gesture she can mark down as "crazy" I don't think means I'm not bipolar. So anyway, I'm guessing she wasn't very good at her job?") It didn't sound like she didn't try to diagnose you. Three sessions might not be enough, as they really do need to get a good sense of what is going on and what has gone on in your past. We really can't know just how in depth her questions were or if these things were discussed at each appointment or only one. Maybe it was too quick a decision. And maybe she simply didn't come to the conclusion you may have already convinced yourself of. (Also, when you say, "I could use advice in how to find a good psychologist who would be willing to diagnose me,..."<parentheses mine>), is it because you want to find someone to agree with a conclusion you may have already come to? One of the things that any professional needs to ascertain is the extent to which symptoms impair functioning. And that enough criteria are met. To use myself as an example, I have symptoms that are part of other diagnoses than the ones I have. But I am not diagnosed with those things because they do not impair my functioning to a high enough level to warrant it. Does that make sense?

One doesn't have to be behaving "crazily" while in an appt. to be diagnosed. (I used to wonder this with my migraines... how do they know if they don't see it, you know?) Thing is, it's the discussing of symptoms that helps them determine what is going on. Not saying that people don't get dx'd, say in an acutely full-on manic state, because that happens too. But then we'd mostly likely be talking BP I. With BP II, it can be a long process, as less intense hypomania can sometimes be explained away. Or not. (Heheh, personally speaking again, mine can be really obvious. And not that I even consider this as an example, but I have painted rooms all night on a whim. Many times. And yup, even in intense blue...)

Sorry I don't have much advice in the how to find a good therapist. I've pretty well lucked out on that front. One was referred by a GP, and the current one was sheer luck after a very long search. If it's ok to ask, how did you research them? And how do you know they act like her? Can't really speak to any phone or online things, having never done that. I'm a skeptic, part of it being not really knowing who they are, but also I think face to face has great value.

Hope this post comes off as kindly, because it is very much written in that spirit. I'm not saying anything one way or the other. It's just some stuff to consider. I can only get so much of a feel for your situation, and maybe my understanding is off base.