[cookieM]

Hi my name is debbie, I am 51 years old. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 3 years ago. I have been in counseling on and off since 1991. I've two breakdowns that required hospital stays. Early on I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, I never accepted that. Bipolar makes more sense to me and after many years of having what I felt was a dark cloud over me Lithium helped me . I was amazed. I look forward to reading the thoughts and feelings and advice of others struggling with the same issues I am

[Mountainbard]

My name's Randy, and I'm a former teacher (among other things). I'm 58. I was just this year diagnosed BP2, although my symptoms first manifested when I was 15. I was undiagnosed until 1999, when I received a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. That's true too.

I'm very glad to have found this forum, and am looking forward to meeting and interacting with all the good people here.

[redthumb]

Hello,everyone!
My name is Niki, i'm 24 years old and I have bipolar for about 2.5 years.

Since childhood I was neurotic (thanks to school bullies and mom-perfectionist), then developed depression. I tried to commit suicide three times at 13, 19 and this year. My friends and mom don't take situation seriously. They think I'm making up all this to disguise my current unemployment, laziness, etc. Plus now I don't have enough money to ask for constant psychological help. But I know when I get a job that will be the first thing on my list.

Where I live people prefer to believe only the crazy ones go to a psychologist. That's why we barely have any crisis lines or free centers to help. And if anyone visits a shrink he doesn't talk much about it.

So when I finally understood that the only person who can help me is myself I started digging all the info about bipolar I could. I even took Intro to Psychology (thanx to MOOC) and that was one of the best things in my life. The side effect was that my English improved greatly since it's not my native language. Every cloud indeed has its silver linings.

Why I'm here? I can't count all the times I said to myself "Tomorrow will be a new life". What that really means is "I am trying to be normal tomorrow". And this crushed me every time because I wanted to do all by myself. I forgot about the main factor - people, especially the ones who can understand my problems, with whom I can talk without any guilt.

I guess, I'm in the right place, huh?

[Macz]

Hello,
My name is MacKenzie, and I just turned 18. I've had bipolar symptoms since elementary school, however I was diagnosed just last week. I've been to scared to tell my parents about it, and I don't know how to deal with it. I need help, but I don't know who to talk to. That's why I came here, I'm hoping that I'll be able to talk to people who understand my situation, and who could possibly help me.

[DawnieDollface]

Hello My name is Dawn,
I have a history of mental illness in my family but due to lack of help and other health problems they were never really looked into. My mom passed away when I was 17 and I believe when my depression started. I went through some health issues my self at 23 and became addicted to alcohol and then in rehab was told I was bipolar. Im 26 now and have been switching on and off different medications. On August 26th, I tried to commit suicide for the first time and was only hospitalized for a short time hoping I could do an IOP program but due to unemployment and financial issues I had to stop going to therapy and Im currently not on a medication that is helping the major depression or mania. I came here looking for support or ideas on how to manage. They also told me I have difficulty with coping with things

[Sunnyflorida79]

Hi! I am new to all of this so please forgive me if I get it all wrong!

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II back in 2006. For awhile, I hoped that I was incorrectly diagnosed or that it would go away. Wrong! It only got worse! I have been changing medications frequently for the past few years and have not come up with a good combination.

Over the summer, I was taken off my antidepressant (I had been on many different ones the last 12 years) and given an additional mood stabilizer (Geodon) on top of my lithium. This change did not go well for me and I ended up checking myself into a treatment program for a month. This truly felt like my lowest point.

I have been home now for a couple of weeks and I am on a new stabilizer (Latuda) with the lithium and several other meds. I just do not feel like myself. I don't feel depressed, but I don't feel happy. I feel very anxious and lonely. I guess the best way to describe it is I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

I go back to my regular psychiatrist at the end of the month and I know he is going to want to change my meds around again. This makes me very scared after the last change we made. I know that I want to get better and I know I can feel better than this. I am just exhausted from changing meds all of the time and not knowing what the side effects will be. I have hope every time we make a change that I will get back to my old self. I am starting to wonder if this is even possible. It's been such a long time, I wonder if that person still exists.

Can anyone share their experiences on changing meds until they found the right combination? Any advice would be greatly appreciate. Thanks so much and I look forward to chatting with you all!

[Sunnyflorida79]

Hi Randy,
I am a public school teacher and I've taught middle school the past 4 years. I've found that teaching has made my mood worse. It is a very stressful job and I get virtually no administrative support, especially in the discipline department. This makes my job very difficult to say the least.

I kept on thinking each year it would get a little better, but it kept getting worse. For awhile, I thought I was just doing everything wrong, but I've poured my heart & soul into that job to no avail. I've come to the conclusion that this is probably not the best profession for me, at least not the middle school age.

I was wondering if you had any similar experiences while teaching and coping with BP2? Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[madness2meditation]

Well, I posted this in the New Member section and was told to try the Bipolar forums. Apologies to anyone who finds this too long.

A little history- Was diagnosed with Depression in 2004 while in my last year of school. Then had an episode every year which was cyclical- 6 months of severe depression followed by 6 months of 'everything feeling alright, lots of energy, fun n frolic, creativity, productivity'. (As for the years before that, I was pretty good at studies though I don't remember too many 'happy moments'. Just lots of studying to 'come first' in class, and little of anything
else. Also remember avoiding social situations, and just being very scared.)

It wasn't till 2006 that I actually accepted something was really wrong and that led me to try to find out what was wrong and ways to counter it (basically ways to counter the absolute darkness that envelops you in depression and makes you completely dysfunctional). My mother took me to this Yog and Naturopathy Center and I almost instantaneously struck a
deep 'friendship' (for want of a better word) with the person who ran the center. I followed every instruction with determination, and things got well (and not of the hypomanic variety). Unfortunately, after a few months, I started neglecting those very routines and lost touch with the person, thinking everything is under control. The symptoms returned
and I had to leave my studies again. 6 months later, everything was 'well' again (probably of the hypomanic variety). The cycle continued.

Then I had a major manic episode in 2009 which led to the diagnosis of Bipolar. For an year, I just closed myself up in a room, playing the stupidest computer games possible and watching TV. Nothing the psychaitrist said made any difference, though the meds did seem to stop or ease the 'torture thoughts'. There were also a couple of psychologists in the mix, but nothing helped. I had almost decided that this is the best I could hope- that the
pain wouldn't be unbearable, and that I wouldn't go 'crazy' again.

Around the end of 2010, I again thought of 'that person' (Yog n Naturopathy center), went to him, and things started looking up. Started a business venture with a friend too, and this went on for a year. Went off the meds (without consulting my doctor) and had another manic episode for a couple of months, followed by an year of depression, closed up in a room.

Then again trying to work with 'that person', some success, going off the meds, another manic episode. Then another 10 months of severe depression, which brings us to the present moment.

So here I am, 26 years old (almost 27), with no college education, no job skills (the traditional variety) and blessed with an illness that the psychiatrists tell me will be my friend for life. My biggest hope is 'that person'. Probably the reason why I haven't attempted suicide yet (that and the fact that I'm not the bravest person around, though you wouldn't want to test that during the manic phase), and why I still think something good can come out of this 'hell'.

Anyway, I would really appreciate it if I could find some virtual support here, maybe make some friends. Esp. people who have experienced this disorder themselves and succeeded in managing it. Would also love to hear about alternative therapies tried, and people who remained 'stable' without meds. Also all the weird mood swings, and the amusing/terrifying things done in the manic phase. Other perspectives (no matter how 'out there') of why this disease happens.

Most importantly, currently I'm like stuck. And I need to take baby-steps again (establishing some basic eating and sleeping schedules, exercising, something creative to fill the day, visiting my psychiatrist n MOST importantly, going to 'that person' and center again). So suggestions in that regard (overcoming inertia and lots n lots of failure) would be welcome. Thanks.

[Sunnyflorida79]

[QUOTE=faith1959;4016886]Hello everyone! My name is Kelly. I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar.

Hi Kelly! I just wanted to say hi and let you know I too have bipolar II, depression and anxiety. It seems we might have something in common, lol? I look forward to hearing more from you. If you ever need to chat or if you have any questions, please let me know. I'm not an expert by any means, but I think we might have similar experiences with bipolar disorder.

Jamie

[Fumbleton]

Hi,

I'm new here... I've recently been diagnosed with bipolar two but have been experiencing hypo mania and severe depression for years- I think until recently my diagnosis of borderline personality disorder masked this. I also have an eating disorder.

I'm on flupenthixol and carbemazepine and am now titrating into lamotrigine (anyone have any good experiences with this?)... I've also just been discharged from an 12 month inpatient stay at a unit specialising in DBT so will continue that in the community but hoping to switch to mentalisation therapy (again, any good/bad experiences with this treatment?)

Anyway, nice to meet you all

[Mountainbard]

Welcome Fumbleton! I had a similar problem in that I was diagnosed with MDD when I'm actually BP2. Now that I have an accurate diagnosis I'm doing much better. I'm on lamotrigine and it's helped a lot with keeping my mood stable. After years of hypomania and severe depression, that's a blessing. Again welcome, and may your visits to this forum be fruitful as you continue your healing journey.

[starfish5]

Hi! I was diagnosed years ago with Bipolar NOS and PTSD. Right now I'm trying to hold my head above water while undergoing months of medication changes. I still feel like I'm overmedicated and a zombie at times. I will talk to my pdoc next week about this. So I'm just a little frustrated at this point.

[cazzydevil]

Hi, I'm 23 and very recently diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder. Looking for advice and help dealing with hearing voices and general issues with my moods. The voices are the worst though, even with the medication and therapy, they never seem to go away, always criticizing me, making me think paranoid thoughts that people are out to get me. advice?

[Edward_Mordake]

Hey folks! Just signed up for the forum.

After accumulating a big heap of diagnoses the last couple decades, I finally got diagnosed Bipolar-II (Rapid Cycling, With Anxious Distress and With Seasonal Pattern) right after my 34th birthday in August. Currently a few weeks into therapy and just got pulled off my first mood stabilizer (Olanzapine). Unfortunately it's moving into winter here in Oregon, so treatment's going to get a lot harder now that I'm moving out of a hypomanic episode and into my usual winter depressive episodes.

Previously I've been diagnosed with unipolar depression with seasonal pattern (I basically spend all winter depressed to one degree or another), adult ADHD, and panic disorder. I may have generalized anxiety disorder and/or social anxiety disorder too. Really, the things I struggle with most are depression and anxiety, especially the anxiety that comes along with my hypomania. (My hypomania otherwise is rather present!)

Disorders aside, I'm a freelance writer.

[4ALittle]

Hello all. My name is Jessica and I'm Bipolar. (I also frequent open AA meetings for the company
My grandmother was Manic Depressive and I was diagnosed with Bipolar I when I was in my twenties. It has taken me having another psychotic break and a couple manic episodes to really accept the diagnosis.
There aren't a lot of face to face support groups around for Bipolar. Hope this online site helps.

[MissFlower]

My Psychologist always tells me to be calm and remember " This too shall pass" because i get so paranoid about it and i do relate to everything youve said. So ive realized im never pro active for a long period wanting to help myself. I tell people about it and in the middle of the story ill just say " im done talking" then its as if my brain is just so tired because i go trough everything in my mind all day long.

Then comes the denial,always telling myself that im imagining things or that other people have bigger problems. The truth is,denying it does not make it go away,it makes it worse. Also started on Epitec as it is a light form of Lithium. Does not work with me i stay hungry all the time and so on. The medication is such a challenge because the sad thing is it only works for a while and then it makes other stuff happening.

Currently im just on no medication whatsoever and im coping sometimes untill the depression kicks in. I can handle the mania its just that irritability and im always concerned that im offending someone and i dont have control over it. Your support system is such an important factor and remember YOU DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE STRONG. People dont expect it from you its you that put so much pressure on yourself that you feel a need to be perfect for everybody all the time. There is no such thing.

Knowledge is power. The more you understand the illness the more you will know how to handle it and watch out for triggers. Never leave you medication without consulting your Dr first. You may think your fine but youre not. Talk about your illness to your loved ones because they also dont understand sometimes. Stop fearing your illness and conquer it ! Its just hard because when the states kick in everything is an effort and one tends to loose interest in everything.

Always ask and always talk. Dont be afraid of anyone. Very good luck and remember your a soldier in a lifetime battle !!

[EmotionallyStressed]

Hi. My names Christy. I'm a mom of three. 18, 15, and 14. Diagnosed with post partem depression after my youngest was born. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder seven years ago. I struggle mostly with the depression side now. The medicine tends to help pretty well with the manic episodes.

[MissFlower]

Dear Deprofindis

From reading your text my heart just breaks for you,what life is that ? Its no life,i guess but your alive and your breathing and still you do have the urge to reach out which means you are still in there,why give up now?

I cannot begin to imagine what its like to be in your shoes and i do empithize deeply with you. When you are in such a state you dont think rasional nor clearly. Why dont you see a therapist ? They dont make it better but they do give good coping mechanisms.Dont be impulsive but go home tonight and think of what you do really want in your life.

Give up what you need to give up and just go for it. Dont let anything stand in your way,not even the darkness. People with mental illnesses tend to long so much or a normal life and thats whats holding them back,instead they should accept the fact that they cannot live like other people do,so take what you can and what you have and try your best to make the best out of it.

It seems impossible i know but maybe its worth trying. Your not good with people but yet you want relationships. You must decide whats more important to you,being alone ore being with someone.You have the abillity to make that choice. Surround yourself with people that lifts you up and makes you feel good,You dont have to keep someone in your life if you dont need them.

If you dnt know someone,start a conversation,practise makes perfect. Being with people is also a good stimulation for your illness and it fights that darkness.Teach yourself about YOUR ilness as everybodies simptoms differ. The diagnoses is not as important as the simptoms. Keep the simptoms in place and it will be easier to cope. Like dont go to places with your credit cards or so it prevents you from buying.

Small things makes big differences and remember only you can change what you want to change. Winston Churchill once said :" Keep on,keeping on". and thats pretty much the best you can do at this stage and i think your best is good enough. Get away from every single negative aspect of your life and make the mind switch.

Its not the way you live its the way you think !! Very good luck to you and i do believe that you can do this. Im so proud of the fact that you made an effort to speak up and thats a small difference but already a big step

Hi, my name is Liam, and I was diagnosed Bipolar 1 about 8 years ago. I had been long time stable due to meds, but a lot of stressors knocked me off my path. Its been six months since I was removed from my previous meds and its been an uphill battle on a downhill spiral since. After numerous med changes, I'm finally starting to stable out and look forward to meeting people here, and being an active member of the community.

[Turtlesoup]

Hi I'm new here & hoping for some extra support coping with many issues. After 3 1/2 years with no insurance I finally have coverage again so I'm working really hard to get back on track. I've been seeing a tdoc weekly for about 2 months-I was diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, depression, PTSD several years ago & have had terrible insomnia for about 20 years. Previously when I had coverage I was supposed to be evaluated for mood disorder (possible Bipolar I) but my insurance ended before that could happen. My current tdoc was able to get me a referral to a pdoc cause he thinks I have Bipolar I as well. Saw the pdoc last Monday for the first time & she blew off my mood issues & is focusing on my anxiety & OCD-will see her again in a couple of weeks so my tdoc is going to try & help me get her to acknowledge my probable mood disorder-my regular doc had started me on Paxil 3 months ago-have taken Zoloft, Trazadone, Nortriptyline, Ambien & Restoril in the past. New pdoc is taking me off the Paxil & starting Prozac. She also started me on a low dose of Propranolol twice a day for anxiety. I am also taking Ambien a couple of times a week to get a break from the insomnia. Anyway I'm happy I found this forum.

[justagemini]

Originally Posted by deprofundis

Morning, all. My name is Rene. This is the first time I've ever considered talking to other people on a message board about my condition, my problems, my ongoing battle with Bipolar I, dissociation/depersonalization, and OCD tendencies. After 7 years of misdiagnoses (and a 2-year stint of intense treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I didn't have), I was finally diagnosed properly and put on the right medication. I'm a working professional and reasonably stable but with an everyday baseline of lingering depression. My life is empty. I don't do well with people. I've never had a single romantic relationship before, only brief encounters. I feel highly uncomfortable in crowds and around people I don't know. When I'm at work, that's the only time I can keep it fully together -- I literally split, into a different kind of person, to keep super-stable in my job and be able to handle being around other people and deal with my many responsibilities. The moment I walk out of the doors and get into my car to go home, though, this persona drops and I'm often then overwhelmed by exhaustion, irritability, and simmering depression. I don't know where I'm going in my life. I turned 27 this year and, while some people think that's young, considering what I haven't yet achieved or even gotten close to achieving, I feel like a complete failure. No relationship, no further in my chosen profession, no graduate degree, no financial stability, loads of debt from manic spending sprees, etc. On top of all of this, every day I think about the darkness. The days spent locked in my room, completely overtaken by severe, psychotic mixed episodes, filling whiteboards with what I thought was the secret of life itself... cutting, picking, and being self-destructive. Loss of any and all control. And, now, I constantly feel the need, the urge to get it back. To let go. To give up and let myself fall back into the darkness.

I guess I just didn't know where to turn, and so I turned here.

Hello!! I too am new here can relate. I started with severe anxiety about 2 years ago. I guess a tad bit of depression along the way but didn't know what real depression was until the past 6 months. I had a great career one degree and another half way done. The job pushed me to the max where the anxiety began to be so hard to deal with. I went on sick leave and have never went back. I am worse now then when I ever went out on sick leave. They couldn't hold my position after 6 months. IT was kind of a blessing and what I wanted but then when a lot of other things took place depression came hard. Many days locked in the bed room sleeping all day. I am a single mother and always ALWAYS took care of those responbilities but any time she was at school, etc. I was asleep for 2 months. I couldn't deal. Then I started over thinking everything. Decided I was more lonley in my life then I had ever been. Realtionshiops basically the same as you...but one even deeper but still not a true relationshiop. Emptiness..to the pit of my stomach just EMPTY and sad. Just recently started new meds again .. Diagnosed Bipolar II, Anxiety, ADD. Every day is a struggle..and I truly mean that..just the past few days something has just clicked that I AM WORTH IT..I am worth HAPPINESS. I have a long way to go to be "happy" but instead of me dreading to get up and then go back to sleep all day .. I've gotten up the past few days - read quotes - used this forum that I think is going to be a great thing! Don't give up. It seems it will NEVER go away .. but I know I have worked thru it having to "fake myself out" sometimes to be happy .. and I am one step to feeling better and loosing that emptiness. Best of luck to you!!!!

[imitation]

Hello,
I am wondering how many of those diagnosed with bipolar II are able to keep a steady job? I have been in and out of jobs and now I am without a job.

[Imah]

I am very kind, intelligent and reasonable. I have acute and persistent mental illness. Bipolar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, over-coming agoraphobia. I am sweet, thoughtful, intuitive, empathetic, distrusting and undependable. I am doing the best I can.

My history:

1978 started counseling
1980 diagnosed manic/depressive
1982 stopped counseling
1982-1987 - 7 homes, 11 jobs, 1 child
1987-1990 - stalked for 21 months, began counseling again, tried lithium for 4 days, threw it away, counselor said don't get in a relationship - got married on a Monday night in Vegas so I didn't have to watch the Simpsons.
1990-2000 - 2nd child, 10 years of verbal and mental abuse, 17 car accidents (disjointed thinking, all fender benders) - 5 more states to live in- huge mental breakdown - divorce
2000-2007 - married husband #2 from warped sense of duty to historical religions values - moved again- 4 more jobs
2007-2014 - divorced, married 3rd (and current) husband - fired from job for being 'unprofessional' (another breakdown). Unemployment office strongly urges me to seek professional help prior to looking for another job - being put on social security and titled "acute and persistent mental illness".

Finally I am on the 7th year of the road to accepting my many mental issues. Sometimes I can find true happiness, even with the chaos behind me.

I share this information to urge all others - young and old to really accept yourselves and work with your professional support group. The true regrets I have are acting on behalf of what others told me was the right thing to do. Mourning a life half over, a life just starting.

Best of luck to us all.

[Misong]

Hi, my name is Kathy. I've been lurking here for a few weeks, but thought I should perhaps introduce myself. I have been in therapy since December 2009 for depression and wasn't diagnosed with mixed state bipolar I until December 2011. I believe I am in a major depressive state at the moment and will be seeing my pdoc next week. Thankfully I am managing to make it to work and other obligations, but I wonder how long I will be able to continue as is. I am currently taking Seroquel XR and Seroquel for my bipolar and insomnia as well as Cymbalta and Strattera.

I wish I didn't have a reason to post here, but I look forward to reading and maybe participating in more posts.

Thanks,
Kathy

[indigogayatri333]

Hello. I've never tried this online forum method of seeking out support. Fortunately I do have access to many friends, family, and professional support people -and- I have been shutting down socially so I decided to seek out a "safer" way of being seen/heard for a bit.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar when I was a senior in high school (2005). As a child (4th grade) I had my first mental illness diagnoses of anxiety, OCD, and depression. I had a difficult time connecting with therapists and psychiatrists. I was put on a number of anti-depressants, sleeping pills, and finally depakote over time. Internally I felt strongly resistant to being on medication. I had a belief that I wasn't getting "me for me" if my brain was altered.

I struggled for years with self harm, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships, suicidal ideation, "daddy issues", etc. I remained unmedicated, but sought out treatment with talk therapy and attempted self care with the practices of yoga, meditation, and numerous other healing modalities. I looked at my relationships, my diet, exercise, detoxed, and journalled much.

This past summer I went through a break up to someone (also bipolar) who I could remain manic with and after the split crashed and burned with a pretty intense and long lasting depression. I had a psychotic break that was marked by self injury and compulsive suicidal visions. I could barely do anything. It was a good day if I could get out of bed, stop watching You Tube, and make one meal. It ended up that I needed to leave my job where I was living to move back to my hometown to move in with my family.

I've been back home with my family and with the move, change in job, break up, and living with my parents again (dad is a trigger) I've been swinging again --- was manic with the move and now a month later am in deep deep depression again marked by severe tension headaches. Suicide has crept into my thoughts and dreams again.

I am looking at myself again and owning past diagnoses of bipolar and depression (I thought I was "over" it). I am humbled. My ego hates it, but I have reconsidered medication. I began taking lithium orotate a couple days ago and am seeking out weekly talk therapy again.

I hope to connect with people on here to feel less alone, to find more acceptance for myself, and to share in findings of what works/what doesn't in the quest for balance.

Blessed Be