[Miss Laura]

Ok I have been fine well by fine I mean not sui nor major manic for about 2 months. I have the odd spurt of mania but nothing like I use to get. Well today I just feel blah!! like there is no point anymore. I had a group activity to the local cinema with my MH team and I went along purely for the fact its 10 mins from my house and also I have my Support Worker tomorrow and don't want quizzed. The cinema went well I saw the new Pirates of the Carribean film. I really enjoyed the film but felt I just couldn't laugh at the funny bits. One of the other Support Workers would check me out every so often as she was sitting next to me. Anyways, my friend invited me out tonight to walk along the beach. I accepted as I need to get out the house. Family are doing my nut in. It took me 2 hours to tell my friend I was feeling sui.... she was not amused. She said I need to keep talking and open up especially to the people who can help me.

She asked me if stopping and starting my meds was maybe a factor in all this which I don't think it is. I feel fine without my meds and I know I should take them but I don't want to take them and when I don't take them I feel alive and hyper but in a good way not a manic way. She asked if I had contacted my CPN but he is on holiday until next week. She said call the on call. But it is too late as it was late evening by then. I told her after 9pm. She took my phone and looked through the numbers and picked the Response Team's number and rang them. But they weren't even ringing. Wasn't until I got home that I realised they finish at 9pm. She tried to call them at 9:15pm.

While on my way to the beach I tried to get myself knocked down by a car my heart was beating like mad. Like in a sense my adreneline was on over drive. When I was talking to my friend... she doesn't know about the above. I started to cry but I hate crying infront of people let alone in public so I held my head in my hands and she said its ok to cry and she held me and held my hand and rubbed my back and told me how much she loves me and needs me to stick around. I hate when I disappoint people thinking stupid things like I do.

I am meeting a new guy next week he is a potential boyfriend.... he has a partner though so who knows what's gonna happen. I am also speaking to another guy online from Manchester-England he has been trying to get me to go down to Manchester.

What am I doing???

Yesterday I hurt myself and I punched the way

[widgets]

Oh Laura, i am so sad to hear that you're feeling like this, i just want you to remember that THIS WILL PASS! We all know how it goes, its just our brains messing with our emotions and we can actually fight it and not let it get away with it.
It makes us believe we're weaker than we are, but i know you're so much stronger.
We're all here and we all understand what you're going through.
Its so tough, and you cant see it now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel (cliche i know) it true.
I'm here if you want to talk, i check back every so often.
Just wait until you've spoken to your support worker, she may be able to offer some help.
In my experience, instinct tells us whether a meds going to work, maybe if you were more compliant they would work better, but if you feel better off them, then tell that to your doc.
MASSIVE HUGS TO YOU LAURA.
XXX

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Widget,

I have been taking my meds for 8 months and recently I have started refusing them. I take them cause I have to not cause I want to like we all do. But even that is effort. I am worried as they said they would try me on Lithium maybe as I am having some side effects from the Depakote. My GP said on Monday to talk to CPN next week and Psych start of August and ask them to either lower my dosage or change my med.

I sleep all the time and when I am not sleeping I feel shattered. But then when it comes to bedtime I am wide awake and alert and refusing sleep. Structure has gone from my life.

At the moment I am sitting having a drink of alcohol as it's numbing it all thankfully. I just don't know what I should do anymore

[widgets]

From my experience, depression is something you have to sit still, hold on really tight and just let it pass, as you know your mood could change tomorrow.
Its hard because there isnt a 'cure,'.
All you want to do, is all you cant do, all you can do is the last thing you want and everything is backwards.
Try and concentrate hard on any positives you can think of.
It sounds like your best friend REALLY cares about you and tries to understand, thats so great, not everyone has that! She sounds like she is really there for you! x

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Widgets,

I know I should just "ride it out" but I am just feeling really upset and unsure. I know it will pass like always.

I want that cure and I know there is NO cure. That's the frustrating thing. Plus I have to be all ok for everyone else. Can't let my family see me like this. They don't know anything. Ironic as I am up so late and sleep in so late too think they would click but I guess not

[kaliope]

Laura
I spent nearly twenty years cycling thru suicide and mania. trying meds in the later years. depakote made me feel horrible. i hated it. it was only these last few years that i got serious about meds because i knew i would be dead if i didnt find something to stabilize me. as close as i was to suicide tho, i always knew i would cycle out of those feelings, i would just have to hold on long enough. it was hard, but i did it. now i just tell myself "these feelings are fleeting" when those thoughts pop into my head. but i got agressive with the medication, i tried nearly everything. i would not tolerate side effects that took away from me or endangered my health or made me sleep too long. finally we found the right med for me, it wasnt a cocktail of six as they once had me on, just one, haldol. and i have been symptom free for over a year and a half now. i found that light at the end of the tunnel. its been great. now i am working on who am i without mental illness running my life. hang in there.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Kaliope,

I don't know who I really am. I don't understand who I am. I have been struggling for weeks but have managed to push past it and hide it. I have came on here and been "bubbly" if you can call it that and have been having a good time reading people's post's most of the post's are interesting. I know what I should be doing is getting better. But it's like I don't want to get better or don't know how to get better.

I understand Bipolar and how it affects my life as ironically this was my job before I got sacked. I know I can get over things but I find it hard to get over it. I thought I was out of the denial stage..... I have had my diagnosis for 9 months now been on meds 8 months. But apparently I am in denial.

Last night I couldn't even look at my friend I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I have always been the strong one, the one no-one knew what she was thinking, never showing emotions. Since becoming depressed in 2009 I constantly cry and show my emotions.

I keep having recurring dreams where I trip/fall and break a bone/die etc!!?? I also have dreams of kids being hit????!?!?!? this one confuses me.

I just feel lost in every sense of the word

[sugahorse1]

(((Laura))) I really feel for you. I know those dark places with no motivation or purpose. Technically this is psychosis, as you know that it isn't true.
I hope this passes soon, and commend you on being so brave to be honest and open up to your friend. And she's right- you need to let the professionals in your life know, and let them help you.
We will never LIKE taking meds, but eventually learn to accept the fact that they are necessary. Please don't stop/start your meds. You need to get stable, and only with consultation of your pdoc and T, eventually wean off them if that is what you want.
Good to hear you're getting out the house. Socialising is a good idea too, but I'd be very weary even vaguely considering a relationship while the road is so rocky.
In the meantime, keep your friends close and stay strong. Keep yourself away from dangerous situations or potential threats; even triggers
We're here for you

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Suga,

Oh I never thought of it as a psychosis?? I spoke to my Support Worker and we did a "Safe Plan" I noted 6 points to stay safe. She said I need to call on call CPN and my GP too. I called my on call CPN and he said he would pass the info onto Ewan. Said I am not in immediate danger as I am home with my family but not to hesistate if I need to contact them again. I never called my GP as CPN said not to bother but to make sure if I feel anxious to take a tablet of Serequol. He said Serequol is sometimes used in, in impulsive behaviour which I am displaying.

When I don't take my meds I feel better though that's the irony. Think I got 4 if not under 4 hours sleep last night

[widgets]

How are things now Laura?
I really am keeping you in my thoughts right now, i know you'll get through this even if you dont?
Are you happy with you safe plan?

[Miss Laura]

Hey Widgets,

I have been home since 2:30pm and been sitting inside the house on internet. I have been in my bed since 5:30pm. I feel sad. I am lying watching sad films and I know I shouldn't as they make me worse but I don't know. Been drinking some vodka too.

My Safe Plan I have never had one before so it's all new to me. I feel really unsure about it. My Support Worker was really good and helpful and she was patient with me. This is a whole new experience for me normally I suffer in silence and don't let anyone in.

I feel ok for telling someone and letting people in but I am a bit scared

[aquaman]

I've been in a similar situation as you, many years ago. Please hang in there. Stay with us. Keep posting. We have your back and you're not alone. I know the despair of depression, but it will pass. I'm glad you have a safe plan - it's a step in the right direction.

[widgets]

I'm with you on the suffering in silence bit, but i've found things better ever since i've had the support of my support worker.
I'd probably lay off the sad films, even though thats hard, i know when i'm like this, i listen to sad songs, i'm not sure where the sense is in this, i suppose i feel "if i'm so down i may as well feel it properly."
I'd probably speak to your SW about the part you're unsure of.
Try and get some sleep as well.

[SoupDragon]

Hi Miss Laura - I was having a bad time on Sunday - I was alone and felt really low with associated crap thoughts - I managed to get to sleep, thankfully and the thoughts have now lessened. It is so hard when they are there full on - my mind sort of feels different and I can see that so clearly when they have passed, but it is more difficult at the time. Not sure if this is making sense, but I guess what I am trying to say is just stick with it and these thoughts like big waves, WILL become calmer - maybe go careful on the vodka too - not the best thing to drink if you are feeling down. Take care, keep safe - SD

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Aquaman, Widgets and SoupDragon

I can't tell people things sometimes as people won't understand. My family don't even know about my feelings or negative thoughts. I find it hard to talk face to face and am kinda unsure about talking to my CPN on Wednesday. It's took me a life time to talk to my best friend. My best friend made me promise her I would talk to my Support Worker. I hate disappointing my best friend so I HAD to talk.

I still think I would be better not being here, but I am not feeling overly sui.... I feel really stupid for telling my GP on Monday that I am fine. I'm such an idiot sometimes. I am struggling to not talk online to these guys I have "befriended" I think I will be ok and not speak to them but kinda want to. I don't know if I am depressed or manic at the moment????

What advice can you guys offer even if it's tough love I need something

[thinker22]

I don't really know how to cure depression (but my meds to alleviate most of it), but when my meds were not working I used to sleep a lot so I didn't have to hear the terrible thoughts going through my head. I also found the distractions of video games or TV to help (but some days I was so down, I couldn't motivate myself to get to the computer or turn on the TV). I just stared at a blank wall. All I can say other than distracting yourself is to call your support team if things get too bleak. I used to call it riding the wave of depression because that implied that the feelings were temporary. From rough seas to shallow breaking waves, then finally on the shore. You look back and are proud of yourself for not giving up in the once giant swells of despair.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Thinker,

My Support Worker kept telling me yesterday how well I was doing and that I have done myself proud for talking about it. I just don't feel that I should be proud. I thought I was over all the whole denial stage of this stupid illness. I mean it's been 9 months surely I should be ok?

People who have had their diagnosis for a wee while does it get better? Also is it normal to feel like this? How can I stop the denial happening?

[Merlin]

It took me years to accept it. Hopefully you can manage it sooner, but 9 months is nothing when it comes to something this big.

[sugahorse1]

Hey there. We're kind of in the same time zone, so I thought I'd check in.
All ok?
Feeling any better?
Hope you manage to get something done today, even if you just spend the whole day relaxing in front of the TV, and distracting yourself.

Are you currently working or studying?

It does take some of us a really long time to come to terms with the DX. For me, it took about 18 months before I found meds that really helped my depression. It's not cool to admit, but I really believe it is my meds that are having the biggest influence on me being ok; not therapy or anything else. Once you find the right meds, it does get a lot easier. But you need to be honest with your health professionals and keep in contact continuously

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Merlin and Suga,

I am feeling a bit better today thank you. I had to go to a group meeting with my MH Group. Spoke to my 2 SW's and they said they too would call my CPN on Monday.

No not working or studying. Hoping to have a job in September. I haven't felt sui... since March/April. I am usually more manic than anything else. Its frustrating.

[widgets]

I would say that talking to these guys online probably isnt the best idea, i'm not in your situation, but i would think it was best to avoid situations that might lead you to feeling worse, like if they turn out to be losers, plus you may be in a manic or mixed state and your decision making may not be in the best place.
Obviously all advice is easier said than done, you only realise how to overcome these things once they're over. Hindsight!

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Widgets,

I feel kinda in a mixed state as 1 minute I am crying and low and the next I am hyper and alert and talking to people online! I have stopped myself twice tonight from talking to the guys. My SW has told me not to meet up with the guy from my Area as I do not know him. If I do meet up with him I must take someone with me.

I got so hyper last night I couldn't settle.... this being the same day I hurt myself and told SW that I had, had sui thinking and tried to get knocked down.

I feel my life is parting at the moment