I'm a horrible B!tch

It's very true, i am mean to everyone around me when i am depressed, my husband told me today that he dreads coming to pick me up from work...he said i'm unpleasant to be around and i am never happy. It's actually very true i'm very unhappy...and i am making those around me just a miserable as i am...my question is...how can i stop...i love my husband but i know i tell him several times a day that i hate him....i want him to be happy but i yell at him and get mad at him all the time...of course i am no fun to be around..i never want to do anything...i just want to lay in my bed and sleep forever. To be honest part of me wants everyone around me to be as unhappy as i am...so they know what it feels like...but they wont ever know..they cant...and i just end up feeling worse for making the only person in this world who cares about me...miserable.
Of course it's 2am and he's sleeping like a baby...how fitting i'm up torturing myself over how horrible i am. The worst part of it all...the absolute worst...is that it's true...if anyone treated me like i treat people....i would cut them out of my life in a heartbeat.

Anyone else a horrible ***** to everyone they love?

I've had similar problems in the past. My husband has said that its hard to be around me cos I was always depressed and really critical of him. Same sorts of things as you...
A few things have helped: getting good meds that get rid of my depression has helped the most but also T to help me be able to be part of a good relationship - mostly accepting that my hubby loves me and not be so reactive over everything and to stop sabotaging the relationship
If you want to change you just have to start small - start by noticing when you are nasty and then apologise then eventually you will be able to stop before you say it. Also give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up. You are human, you are allowed to make mistakes - apologise, try to do better and get some good sleep rather than being harsh to yourself. Maybe it would be good to have a talk with your T about why you do these things. Lots of

My husband said that to me also, and I am jealous that he is so stable in his emotions, and I took it out on him. BlackPup has a good point-start small. When you see him in the morning smile and say good morning. Try to identify what is making you angry-you are hot, work was hard, you are hungry, house is messy, etc. Identify your emotion and what is causing it and decide if you can do anything about it, if you can't or choose not to, you have to try to let it go. I know that is easier said than done, but if you can just do it one or two times a day to start, it will get easier.

I am so sorry you are struggling through this, it sounds like you are really in a bad place. I get this way when I am depressed sometimes but more when I am dysphoric. Part of this cannot be controlled with anything but the right meds. You can learn some skills to manage your anger/frustration but it will take some time. I isolate alot when I am like this and usually my family realizes it is part of the disorder. But, they are human too and it makes it very difficult to deal with.

Keep talking with your husband and the people around you who your behavior effects. At least then the lines of communication are open and you can help them understand a bit more. Talk to your T about it, if you have one, and she/he can help you find ways to avoid the confrontation.

Many times when I am dysphoric, I have a bit of warning before I blow so I can calm myself by stopping, breathing, and going somewhere else in my head. When I let myself blow I get wound up and dont stop very easily. I have learned to control the triggers in my life to minimize the impacts.

My husband has been through hell and back with me, but he still loves me and never leaves. I do feel awful for treating him this way, but when I get dysphoric, I can't help but be a B!tch to him.

I have to learn how to not to do this to him, but it is so difficult to treat anyone nice when you are in this state.

I guess, just telling him that you do love him as often as possible just may help. I tell my husband I love him about 3 to 4 times a day.

I'm irritable and *****y as hell today. I feel like a bad wife and a bad mom.

3o+ yrs ago a "friend" told my mother that I "had more mean & could put away more Scotch whisky per sq in than any man west of the Rio Grande." It wasn't meant as a complaint but offered as an explanation of why I was single. When I gave up alcohol 20 yrs ago, I prayed that the "mean" would be gone with the drinking. But no, now I was Super*****, "more *****iness per square inch than anyone else I know," according to my best friend back then. I tried mass, which I grew to love, but after ten yrs I only spent more time in confession & prayer. I got therapy. Nada. I flipped out, went in the hospital, saw a psychiatrist. Then I found out I was bipolar...and I'm bipolar--not necessarily mean!
After the mood stabilizer had built up in my system, the road rage vanished. The flashes of anger, especially at work, vanished. The little jabs at my friends--no more. Over the weeks, people started to look at me differently.
I do get mean & *****y occasionally, but now it's mostly because something *****y & mean-making has happened--not because someone breathed my air.
I'm not in an intimate relationship now, so I'm not dealing with the sort of physical proximity you are. I think that makes healing a relationship more difficult--but maybe not. Maybe SunAngel's suggestion & the actor's "fake it till you make it" physical exercise will help: Do say you love him in clear words; and Do make a gentle, intentional physical connection--once or twice a day, outside of the bedroom.
The idea is that your tone of voice and quality of touch will take on a private "I love you" sense they may have lost to your dis-ease.

Thanks for all your support, truth is i was drinking last night, never a good idea for me. Alchoholisim runs in my family, i become belligerent and suicidal whenever i drink...so i "quit" for a couple months...Anyways after some sleep, some reflection on what was said and reading your replies, i have decided that i'm actually very hurt and angry with him, i resent him for alot of things and i think honestly until i deal with those things it will be very very very difficult for me to change my behavior towards him, that doesnt mean impossible...so i'm going to try really hard to tell him that i love him and just let him know when i am mad/angry/anxious without blaming him for it.
Thanks guys you are real life savers.

i bet there are some loveable things about you. when i was in a hospital once, my husband told me the nurses were stressed because of me, imagine that, they were suppose to help ME.. da , da , da. Find something nice about you self and then go to something else, or do something nice for your husband, bring him a cup of coffee, or ice water. just a beginning. cin1

There isn't really anything nice about me to be completely honest....i even asked my husband what he loved about me he said "How you USED to be nice". I'm ok with that, i'm not fishing for compliments , i dont even want them. I am just being honest. All i can do in reality is get try to get stable so i can be nice again.

if you yelled at him you have to have a reason for it maybe try to sort by more subtle way

Help me out here, the rest of you .... But I just got a whiff of some brainwashing going on here. "How you USED to be nice". .?? She asks him what he had loved about her & he doesn't say, "the way you laughed at my awful jokes." Or, "how you lose to me at golf." or any of a million other little, specific things. No, he whips out "How you USED to be nice". Pow.

And, Ryask, you don't want compliments? Why the heck not? Has he convinced you that you are so thoroughly hateful that you don't now & never could deserve a compliment? You really believe that there isn't anything nice about you?

This isn't possible, yet I believe you believe it. I think you've been brainwashed.

It's not that i don't deserve compliments, it's that they make me extremely uncomfortable. I know that i have good qualities..I'm smart funny etc. It's just that i am not a very nice person....what i mean by that is i am irritable and moody, i snap at people...yell at them...fantasize about harming them....that's not what nice people do...so...maybe i could change that to...i am a good person but i don't treat people nicely when i am depressed.
I am sure there is something he does love about me...we have been married for 7 years, but it is pretty ****** that he chose to say because i "used" to be nice. I'm not sure if it's brain washing...is it helpful?...no...is it hurtful?...yes...but maybe i do need to be hurt...so i can feel uncomfortable about how i treat people...and make a change.....god knows when i am comfortable i refuse to change.

I really appreciate your reply, even if i dont agree fully i think it's nice that you took the time to reply, and I'm really thankful that you seem to genuinely care about my situation, so thank you.

Similarly to your feelings, when I'm depressed or even mixed, I go through lashing out or just not being able to be pleased - no way, no how. So then I come across as a royal pain *****. My family loves to bring this up now even when I'm OK - which really hurts. I know it's not the "real me."

I share this to say that besides just needing meds help and waiting for an episode to pass, I also realized I kick others when I feel deeply negative within me. It's the "sh--" rolls downhill scenario. So if I look behind my negativitiy I see that it's something I am not happy about with ME. It might be feeling guilting about something I've done, or feeling deeply innadequate. So I lash out at someone else to subconsciously feel better about myself. Funny how the mind works...

Okay, we'll go with that for now--with one caveat: You do not need to be hurt to be made to feel uncomfortable about how you treat people. Pain does not teach ethics, the Spanish Inquisition notwithstanding.
A loving spouse who helps his mate by hurting her.... Do you really buy that?
Besides, you are uncomfortable about how you treat people, which is part of why you posted here.

Thank you, by the way, for relating some good qualities. My very best friend ever had a grand sense of humor. She also pick-pick-picked at me sometimes until she provoked a fight. I hated that! But I loved her.

Hold on tight--I'm about to give you a compliment which, in light of these recent discussions, you do deserve. Ready?

You do your best to be honest with yourself and others.

if only you could see my awkward uncomfortable laughter at the compliment...but i will thank you for it none the less. I agree i do not need to be hurt to change my actions, your right, i need to take a step in the right direction, which i feel i have by scheduling an appointment with a new T on sept 6 as well as admitting that everything isn't completely controllable by me, maybe it's time to be back on medication, back into therapy......although part of me still feels like i really have to have the **** hit the fan in order for me to realize i need help....there is no willpower or bootstraps for chemicals in the brain gone haywire.

i just looked up the word Dysphoria....my god that's me...oddly enough it's me when i'm depressed aswell as when i am hypomanic....HAHHAHA i'm not a b!tch after all!

Hey-Ho! You accepted a compliment!

You are so welcomed. I'm delighted that you're exploring your options & I hope you get a tdoc worthy of you. I think you're right: when the brain needs chemicals, there's no alternate solution.

I'm glad that, since you initially posted, you've been able to resolve a little bit going on in your head. Especially with your dysphoria revelation! But it does seem that you & your hubby really need to have an understanding sit-down once you ARE seeing a T & on your way to stability. What I've realized about spouses is that they go through the motions of bipolar just as often as they do. They see your behaviour or your lack thereof, they know something is wrong, & they have as little control over it as you do... Some people are more understanding than others. Some people get angry about what they can't seem to understand. But the case is usually that, when you can give them about as much time to voice their concerns as you get, it's easier for them to handle & fixes a lot of miscommunications. : )

Some days are worse, and I can really be terrible. I generally feel very guilty afterwards, and least acknowledge I'm out of line. Just wish I had more control of myself

I haven't told him I hate him since this happend , I've been making an effort to paint smile on my face when he picks me up from work, he asks how my day was and I say it was fine. I'm pretty much just gonna fake it as best I can till I'm back on meds.

i just would like to say that i think your husband feels lost. He doesnt understand this disorder. Probably makes him feel like it is his fault when you are down. My wife feels like that when i hate myself. Maybe you guys could find a couples therapist. The main thing is communication. Try to help him understand. So hard when you dont even understand yourself, but it helps. Good luck

"i just would like to say that i think your husband feels lost."

This sums it up quite succinctly.

Men are protectors. But we cannot protect our families from bipolar. We can only watch our loved ones suffer and feel helpless and lost because we can only do so much to help. When it is your wife, who you have promised to take care of, or your child, who you would gladly give your life for, it is hard to deal with the inability to protect our family from something we see hurting them.

I can take steps to protect my family from crime, fire, injury, homelessness, hunger... but I cannot protect my wife or son- both BP2- from the bipolar bear.

Yes, he feels lost.

I sympathize with all of you. I too have terrible mood swings like this that can last a month or more. The worst part of it is, I'm a man, so no one can write it off as menopausal or PMS'ing. I scare myself sometimes and as a direct result I am also single.

People often say things about animals, crediting them with human motives, & most of the time it's pretty obvious what they're doing. What Mr Thornton is doing is the same thing but a little more subtlie.

You may be that kind of a man--one who shelters & protects those in his care.

All men are not like that. Be very careful with your sweeping defense of all men.

The genders, to me, are as different as most any two species are. To say "all" about men or women is just stupid.