[Trippin2.0]

Title explains it all.
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I'm not in the midst of an episode, don't even feel depressed. Just too tired to fight or hold on. No job, no money, no prospects. I've failed my daughter. I'm a deadweight leech sucking my family dry. Time to exit is nearing, not tonight tho. Have to get my ducks in a row first,not sure how long it'll take, but left a note for my brother to let you guys know.
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I'm calm, my decision is logical, don't want any 'run to the ER' or 'reasons to live speeches'. Meds can't give me a job and get me out of debt. The reasons to live are the same reasons to die. My mom and daughter will be well looked after by my sister. She'll never have to worry where the next meal will come from. She refuses to leave now bcoz I'm stuck at home. Jordan will be in the care of people better equipped. My family has survived death before, they'll survive mine too.
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Just wanted to let my friends know the truth. Don't feel bad, I don't.

[BlueInanna]

Nooooooo!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!!!!

Please melissa. Please. I have been reading your posts for almost 6 months now, you have much to offer this world. You are an intelligent, profoundly insightful woman. Just figure out what you need to be different. I along with everyone here cares about you even if we don't know you in RL. We will help, we will do anything for you, we will help you figure out what we can!!!

[BlueInanna]

dont know why i just called you melissa, Trippin. i think i panicked.
Please be ok, please write back soon!

[Irreplaceable]

As one mother to another, I understand. Everything that you wrote, are things that have crossed my mind...I could never leave my daughter though...You said you're not depressed? It sounds like you are just numb at this point...I don't know what to say to someone who feels this way...I honestly don't...Don't give up. You feel as if they are better off without you, that is the depression taking. Find your baby and hold her tight...A child needs his or her mother. No one can take your place. Not grandma, aunty, uncle or anyone else...Just yesterday I was sitting on the couche with my little one, grabbed her chin to look me in the eyes and told her, "YOU are my best creation. YOU are my reason for living. You are the best thing I have ever done." She saved my life...

[NikkiLLL]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

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The reasons to live are the same reasons to die.

I so know how you feel. and i know how perfectly reasonable and right this feels to you now. but there are so many reasons why its a a bad idea. no child is ever, at all, under any circumstances better off without a parent ( except of course abusive ones). and, well, i can't really argue any further because it'll make me a hypocrite. but i really do hope you give it some time and see if things get better. because they will.



Stay strong

[venusss]

Each person is irreplacable. You are important to your family. Very important. More important than money. You are a sweet and great person, and I don't say this randomly to everybody, so take it as real compliment.

Please, hold on... it does get better. You are a struggler and you can find a way to deal with life. Who knows, tomorrow a job offer might come your way.

[BipolaRNurse]

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And ALL problems we face in this life are temporary.

You don't want to do this to your child, who will never get over it. Children of suicide think they're somehow responsible for the parent's death.....they internalize EVERYTHING......if you can think of no other reason not to end it, think about how you don't want to sentence her to a lifetime of guilt and regret!

[ManicDad]

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. But I will tell you that I've been where you are. No job, no prospects, no hope. I lost everything I had five years ago. It doesn't seem that long when I think about it, but it was. I was right where you are, calmly and methodically planning everything out. But for some reason or another, I didn't go thru with it.

Since then, I've seen and done so many things that I almost missed out on. I've rebounded financially, I've rebuilt my relationship with those closest to me, I've gotten myself clean. These are things I'm glad I had been around for. I know how hard it is to see past right now but please, try your best to realize that everything you feel right now is only temporary. I won't give you a lengthy reason to live speech, nor will I try to make you feel guilty for how you feel. I will, however, pray that you will be able to hang in there just a bit longer. Life is ever evolving. If there's anything you can count on, it's that circumstances will change. Please, hang in there for just a bit longer. I am always here to talk, listen or pray. All you have to do is PM me. I'll even give you my email so you can get in touch outside PC if you want.

I realize I don't really know you, but I do care. Please, take care.

Peace.

[Trippin2.0]

Appreciate the responses, really I do. You guys are great. I've been jobless for a year now, not even a single interview, I give up. But the other reason I didn't want any speeches is bcoz honestly, I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore, it's not like I'm any good at it anyway. I just want out already, and it's a comfort to think that my family will be better off financially. I know they'll hurt, but they'll move on eventually. I just hope I articulated effectively in my letters, I don't want them to think they could've saved me... I don't want this anymore, i don't. I just want to bow out gracefully. It sucks that I have to wait tho, but it's ok. Thank you for caring

[touchingsaturn]

my heart aches within me for your pain...

i know there's nothing i can say that will make you feel better or change your mind... but do know that i echo everything that's been posted in this thread thus far... and know that i'm thinking of you & desperately hoping life gives you some form of reprieve... in whatever form will speak most directly to your heart...

know that we are here for you & while we don't have the answers & can't readily "fix" your life, we do care..

...damn it crap!!...crap crap crap Trippin!! what the hell I'm just gonna spit this all out and it's not your soul surely thats giving up and how about this you wrote to me.. James, if it's 1 thing I know about you, you have supernatural self-preservation instinct and skills what the? I know you have the exact same otherworldy talents and you are tricked into believing that supreme INDIFFERENCE has the ultimate say leading to your demise?

No thankyou and I don't believe it and I wont accept it and stubbornly choose denial with your situation.

All you need is a pin prick of recognition in your soul that the truth of how INCREDIBLE you are is powerfully more massive than the gaping wound in your heart just now Trippin.
you gotta believe me and if you don't ...then just make out you do.

Life isthe monster of all pretences at times and don't let it captivate you with lies and indifference dear girl!!

much love...monkey

[Nixi]

Awww hun I know exactly where you are and I also felt so hopeless, so defeated! I thought it was the best thing for everybody that I went, and that it must be ok coz I was thinking about things logically. I did not realise though that my thoughts and feelings were squiff!!!! Also I thought that my children would be upset, then get over it....but in reality they don't stop blaming themselves ever!!! Plus they are significantly more likely to commit suicide themselves!!!!!!! Pls don't do this now! Give yourself a bit more time- are there opportunities for you to change your meds or just breathe a little bit more to look at things ...pls hun coz I know you'd be really missed here amongst other places!! (((((((hugs))))))))))

[~Christina]

(((((Trippin)))))))

Please Please Please just give yourself more time .. even a week from now..

Please !

[Trippin2.0]

Guys, please relax. Didn't mean to cause a panic. I'm not going to do it right away. I literally CAN'T do it right now, it would end up being an attempt, and I DON'T want to fail and or botch it. So there's a ton of stuff I need to sort out 1st... I'm sorry to have upset you guys, it's just that I didn't want you guys to be all shocked and stuff. Sorry.

[johnf22881]

What do you think needs to happen in order for you to realize things aren't as bad as you think?

[touchingsaturn]

see, trippin2.0, we don't want you to resort to that at all.. not now.. not in the future.. not ever.. please let us know if there's anything we (as a community) can do to help you deal with and cope with everything going on in your life

*hugs*

[bowhunt72]

Your circumstances aren't the same as mine, but take a look a few days back at my thread titled "don't know". I said the same things you are saying now. I felt so tired, crushed, devastated, defeated, use any other words you want. I get so tired of people telling my why I ought to live. I was in the same kind of place you're in now. I get so tired of people telling my why I ought to live. Then look a little further up at my thread "made it". The people here at PC really care. They probably saved my life.

I know you can find it in yourself to keep going. You're so much stronger than me, you've been a help and encouragement when I was at my worst. Let us help you. Just stay with us and keep posting.

[BlackPup]

Sending many s your way. I'm so sorry that you feel like this. I hoping that something will convince you to keep on going.

Trippin,

My friend, I just don't know what to say. I do understand, but..... You are just much to precious. I hope, pray, will with all that I can might that something changes for you, that can change your outlook. You have always helped me and been there for me, you always bring light with you. There is something very special and kindred about you, I know it. I hope it will somehow get you through.

Of course we would be shocked, when the sun burns out we will also be shocked. Loosing you would be loosing a star.

You are my friend, and I love you... I'm just one of many...

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you everybody for the support and understanding.
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I haven't changed my mind, but promised manicdad not to take any action for the next 2 weeks (family bdays) and also that if I even encounter a sliver of hope, I will reconsider.
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Just thought you guys should know where I'm at
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Thank you Scott

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you everybody for the support and understanding.
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I haven't changed my mind, but promised manicdad not to take any action for the next 2 weeks (family bdays) and also that if I even encounter a sliver of hope, I will reconsider.
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Just thought you guys should know where I'm at
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Thank you Scott

[bowhunt72]

Hey! Good to hear from. Is there anyone you feel secure enough with to make a safety contract? They made me write and sign them several times this past week before they would let me leave the hospital because I was cutting and suicidal. I refused to sign anything open ended because I didn't know what might happen, but would sign one short term. The longest I ever gave them was three days, but it helped me a lot. Knowing that I had given my word and was accountable to someone to keep myself safe forced me to keep going through a crisis several times. Just something that has helped me, maybe you can find it useful too.

Keep posting. We care about you.

[Trippin2.0]

A safety contract would help yes, but I don't have anybody like that in my life... I could try my brother, but trust me, he wouldn't understand. Care? Yes, but his inability to understand and general personality would just come off as judgemental, and worse still, he might actually be judgemental, I can't deal with that...

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

A safety contract would help yes, but I don't have anybody like that in my life... I could try my brother, but trust me, he wouldn't understand. Care? Yes, but his inability to understand and general personality would just come off as judgemental, and worse still, he might actually be judgemental, I can't deal with that...

I wish I could say something magical that would help. I am fairly new to the site, too, so I don't know a lot of background and for that I really apologize because my post is coming out of left field. You don't know me. I live in L.A. and you live in S.A. We may not suffer and struggle and claw our way out from identical Dx's, but I can relate so much to what you wrote. 110%. I felt compelled to write.

I am thousands and thousands of miles away. And I am another person here that cares. You do matter. A whole lot. There was a reason you were put on this earth, and it's important that you fulfill that destiny I don't mean to sound trite, either. You CAN handle anything that comes your way (step by step, inch by inch, second by second).

I know this because I made it. I made it through the darkest time and so can you.
I have been where you are. Had I known about the site, then, I probably would have posted the same exact words literally to the t.

I have been at the depths of despair and feeling so discouraged, I was literally a walking Xanax (the pain was so unbearable that all I could do was mask it). I did not have the resources to check myself into a hospital. Nor was I conscious enough to know that I needed to talk to someone other than my Pdoc, because I felt I didn't want to burden anyone with me. So I retreated to the house.

I had an exit plan, as well.

I did not work for 2 and 1/2 years. I could not find a job in my industry to save my life. I was grieving the loss of my fiance to cancer. So not only did I lose my best friend, I lost what I thought would be our entire future (you know until we were old and grey and still laughing at the dumbest jokes that only we thought were hilarious).

I was feeling so insignificant that I knew the world would definitely be a better place without me...I felt as if I was just taking up space, air. Even the smallest carbon footprint from me was too much. I mean really: I wasn't working (being productive, giving back in some way, garnering an income), I wasn't in a relationship anymore (my "better half" was gone to the grave), I isolated so much I hardly had contact with any of my family (so I was a social pariah) AND my only "friend" left that I could face - in the city in which I live - passed away suddenly (she was only in her late 40s). WTH.

But I had a contract. I had a safety contract in the least likely of places: with my cat. The promise I made to this ridiculous cat, who I rescued him FROM MY OWN FAMILY, is what kept me alive.

I mean it. It's probably the stupidest thing you've ever heard but I mean it. And for as miserable as I was, he was even worse than me (nobody wanted him and he was never socialized so he was one po'd kitty when he came home with me).

But I could not bear to know that if I died, he would probably die, as well, because there would be nobody to love him and protect him. My own family neglected him, and I had to rescue him FROM THEM. I didn't trust them. If I wasn't there to protect him, they would put him down. Or someone else would because quite honestly he was IMPOSSIBLE. And his death would be my fault.

And that's what kept me going.

No one can understand what that little sucker means to me. In fact, they all can't stand him. But guess what, we have each other. We had a contract, a pact. We saved each other.

And a job came along ... yes! after 2 and 1/2 freekin' years!

And now, beyond anything I could have ever imagined, I am working full time and I am around people again. Every day. The days aren't perfect. They are awful. I am rarely happy and smiling still hurts, but I am also working with my T and taking it step by step, inch by inch, second by second.

So please, stay with us. Keep posting. You are not alone. Things can get better...keep that little teeny glimmer of hope. Keep a pact with us.

[bluemountains]

I know you are hurting, but please, please, please think of your daughter and family! I had a good friend who committed suicide last year, and the pain his child and wife go through daily isn't fair! They will never heal.
Bluemountains.