Husband Recording During My "Episodes"

My husband has this new thing of getting out his iPhone and recording me when we have been in an argument and I am set off. The times he got it out today, I immediately just walked into the bathroom and closed the door. He also gets his phone out and voice records me as I'm talking. If I notice him turn it on, I just stop talking.

Today, we was text messaging someone in the midst of our argument. I realize this is not a marriage forum, but one for Bipolar, but he tells me I'm crazy and basically laughs at me every time I get upset. I am so tired of this!!!

I had been so down I actually saw his gun laying on top of the safe and I picked it up. Then, I got so scared and mad at myself I kicked a hole in the wall. After this, he starts recording like I am some freak show.

Bringing up how I feel about this will probably not work with him. He's never sensitive to my feelings about anything. Input?

So I just went in and asked my husband nicely to please delete the recordings of me.

His response: Why would I do that?

I said: "because it makes me very uncomfortable you took them in the first place and that you have them."

He said: "Well, I don't know what to tell you."

I got up and walked out of the room, and on the way out, he said "How about I delete them when the wall is fixed." I didn't respond.

I feel like all he is doing is trying to drive me crazy, trying to have something to hold over my head and trying to gather evidence if we get divorced so he can paint me as the crazy Bipolar so he would get everything in a divorce.

Every time I talk to him, I sink deeper in my depression and all I can think about is killing myself just to make all of this stop. He's a jerk.

Not a healthy marriage. He's only giving you new triggers. How long have you been with him?

We've been married for 3-1/2 years.

Yes, I agree with the trigger part. I tell him this constantly and he blows it off.

For a 3 and a half year investment, you can do better. I'm not telling you to find a new husband, but that kind of stuff is a deal-breaker for me. I mean, it takes a very understanding person to deal with bipolar. I doubt he is even understanding enough to deal with a normal person.

I hear what you are saying, but in fairness to him neither of us knew I was bipolar until last year. Honestly though, my diagnosis has just seemed like an excuse to make everything my fault. I'm sure it isn't easy for him to deal with a bipolar person, but he has his own issues that never get addressed. I can take responsibility for my own actions, but I don't know how to deal with a man who loves to antagonize so often.

Yeah, but you were still bipolar. You just weren't diagnosed until last year. It took the same level of understanding 5 years ago as it does now.

If anyone recorded me being bipolar, whatever they were doing it with would end up trashed. Computer? Gone. Iphone? Gone. Camera? Gone.

I like to antagonize too. I understand the thrill from that. It's a control thing. Doesn't make me a great person though. Makes me a crappy person.

Thank you for your input. I know this is wrong and even more wrong that I told him it bothered me and he still wants to hold it over my head.

Maybe try couples counselling so you have someone there to mediate between you. I dont think he sounds very nice.

We've spent thousands on counseling...never got anywhere with it mainly because our counselor didn't understand bipolar, nor was he assertive enough to make us both deal with our issues. It's hard to convince my husband he has things to work on and since I have the diagnosis I am automatically to blame for everything.

Wow this sounds awful. What a nasty man to treat you this way. No compassion or understanding. How is that love? My opinion of a husband is he is an extension of myself. Part of me, he cant speak or act out this way to apart of himself struggling.

I don't know what I would do without my husband in my corner every day just believing in me more than I believe in myself. I couldn't be with him if he were to judge me and my sickness. We have only known for 3 years about mine and been together many many more. He is very understanding and has plenty of patience, because any other way it just wouldnt work out.

I hope you find strength to stick up for yourself or to move on. What a jerk? Im sorry that sounds harsh but I just cant fathom this.

Thanks so much. I would give anything to have a husband like you described. He describes himself as a victim because he has to put up with a bipolar person. He says yes it's hard for the person with bipolar but worse for those who have to live with their crap.
I have been much better in the last couple months because my meds finally got to a therapeutic level, but I still struggle with him because he's my worse trigger. I just hate my life right now and hate who I am. I desperately wish he could support and love me through this but I don't think he wants to or is capable.

My mom did this to me when I was little, to "prove" that I was violent and unruly. In reality, it was her who was violent, and manipulative, and would goad me into responding to her "teasing". I hated being filmed, it always felt so humiliating. I'm really sorry you have to go through that with your husband.

I live with someone who purposefully is cruel to me. I would like to film him but we're not married and the most id get in court is "move out then 40 y/o person"

Is this even legal? Recording someone without their permission? I didn't think it was.

I'm really sorry, because this is truly awful. I can imagine, I have a big imagination. I would not be able to handle that at all.

What can you do to help yourself out here? Do you think he will change? It doesn't sound like he thinks he has any problems. You deserve to have a relationship that is caring, respectful, and compassionate, with understanding. Why do people treat the person they are supposed to love the most, the worst? That's not love.

If you want better for yourself, and you do deserve better than this, if he isn't willing to do or be that, then you have to decide. Do you want it to always be like this, or not. Because some people will not change.

Wow that's sooo not cool!! I have kind of the same problem - only verbal recordings because I tend to get VERY loud and shout. But the thing that hits home is "my husband is my bigest trigger" I am a teacher and love the noise level in my class and yes the silly 9 year olds irritating the crap out of me when I'm down - I never go off at them, but when I step in at home when H is there or see him my mindset changes instantly. My husband has noticed this and commented on it (when we are between friends I am very loving) My T says I have to figure out why this happens. Can you honestly blame your husband as being a tigger????? Just curious.

All of those things can be said for him - he deserves a relationship with someone who is caring, respectful and compassionate. During an up or down, I am none of those things to him, but the thing is, I have no way to control it. I take my meds religiously, I don't drink or do drugs, I try to eat right, I have cut almost all junk food out of my diet, I try to get enough sleep....Basically, I am trying to do everything possible to improve my situation, but I still have cycles. They have been more far and few between since my med change, but they are still there.

My husband acts angry and bitter all the time because he says he feels like he is living like a single man because he gets no support from me. His mom is unmedicated Bipolar, so he has to live with the person who made his life a living hell while he was growing up all over again.

I don't think he is willing or able to change how he views me and this illness.

I see what you mean about not going off on people like you would do with your husband. I am the same way. I just tend to withdraw from people if I get triggered, except with my husband. I think it's just harder to find a place to escape when I am at home and he is right in front of my face.
My husband can be very hard on me and has a temper. I try my best to let it roll off, not take things personally, but -bam- I just get triggered and that's the end of the story. I've tried talking to him about things he can do when he sees me going downhill, but there's a part of him that always says why should I have to be loving when she's bipolar and not very nice. So, he gets mad and the cycle continues. Like I said before, we've done a ton of counseling and his temper and my mood swings are too much to make anything work differently.
It's not right that he gets the brunt of my illness, but that's just the way it is. If he was naturally loving and patient it would be easier, but he's just not built that way.

This man is abusive, plain and simple. Emotional abuse is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse.......it's just that the scars are on the inside.

Stop making excuses for him just because he "has to live with a bipolar person". So does my husband. So do a LOT of people's husbands/wives/children/in-laws/families/friends/co-workers. It doesn't give your man the right to put you down, record your meltdowns, treat you like you don't matter. I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but you do need to decide if he's worth giving up any chance at building some self-esteem and living your best life with BP.

BipolarNurse is correct in this assessment. Also, you'll ALWAYS cycle, even on the best medication at the best dosages. It's all about learning about the nature of the cycle and releasing the negative emotions from your body in healthy ways. Being around a person who is stunting your growth as an individual willing to learn and cope with the illness isn't good. At all.

Picking up some form of meditation and trying to practice daily can help give you that introspection you need to regulate the mood in a more healthier way.

Giving your husband an ultimatum for his behavior would also help. If he is so unwilling to help you and likes to put complete blame on you because you have an illness, instead of learn from you, then he isn't worth keeping around. Simply that. We all have problems and we'll always be working on them because we're human and we're creatures of faults and screwups. It's what you do with it and how you handle it that shows if you willing to take that extra step to work on it. Which you have shown. So he should do the same.

Stop making excuses for his behavior. What he is doing is disrespectful, immature, and shows no sympathy on his end. You know what? If him living with someone bipolar is so horrible for him, I would tell him to leave. I'm not saying divorce him, but I'm not making anyone live with me or be with me. We all know that it's tough for our loved ones to deal and live with someone who is bipolar. I'm not taking anything away from that. But the point is, he can go. Seriously. If he has an issue with "living with a bipolar person" he has the option to leave. No one is forcing him to stay.

Yes my partner has his doubts about my illness and yes he can have no empathy when it comes to this. But he has never recorded me, teased me, baited me in an argument, or laughed at me. None of that. I tell you what. If he did try to record me in one of my episodes, that recording device would be snatched out of his hand and broken. I can't help it. LOL.

Your husband's actions are disgusting and offensive...People have so much to say about how crazy people are who are bipolar, but I can guarantee you, if he came across the wrong one who was bipolar, and did what he does, he wouldn't be laughing. He would be on the floor...

Yes, you guys are right there is NO excuse for his behavior. There is also very little excuse for my own behavior also except that I have this "illness" and can't control many of my thoughts and actions depending on the day. I asked him how he would feel if he was on the brink and someone pulled out a camera and tried to capture "him" on tape. He still doesn't get it and again questioned why it would bother me so much. He's given himself permission to act however he wants and uses my illness as the excuse. You guys are all correct and none of this is okay.
I am used to being both an abuser in my mental states AND being abused starting with my parents growing up. I have packed up and left my house twice and always come back. I don't want a divorce. As much bad as there is with this man, there is also an overwhelming love that I get from him when things are good and I cannot picture life without him. I love him but he also has a lot to change. I am trying to give him the patience I would want given to myself, but I'm wearing thin. My own brain is enough of an enemy of mine, I certainly don't need it from a husband also.
There is no easy answer. I appreciate all of you for responding to my thread. I haven't had an easy last few days.

I'm sorry but I have to agree with others. My long term bf has to deal with my bipolarisms and so do I. I have to deal with his physical disease too. I am always cycling, meds haven't helped me too much. I do yoga, mindful meditation, use my spirituality to guide me, try to eat healthy and I have healed up most of my old wounds, and changed my unhealthy behavior and thought processes, it's constant work tho. I am accountable for how I behave, even while I am ill.

My bf doesn't have to deal with all that much, honestly he could be dealing with just as much or more with someone who is deemed " normal ". It just isn't a one way street, everyone has their own issues. Tape recording someone at the height of their illness to use against then is disturbing. It's also called blackmail and humiliation. It's not defendable in a marriage. How would it be if I recorded my bf while he was really physically ill, depressed and being downright negative about everything to use it against him later? The other problem is that you asked him to delete these and thar it made you uncomfortable. His response to that was utmost disrespect for you and your feelings. it's just not ok.

It sounds like you might be able to find some better ways to cope when your in a bad place, like not taking it out on him. But you already seem to recognize that you have stuff you can work on. He doesn't sound like he thinks he has anything to work on, that's the problem. It really does take two to make a relationship work, one person can't carry it alone.

Sorry, posted this at the same time as you.

There never are easy answers, is he more open to talking about his own issues when things are going smoothly?

We might not be able to always control our thoughts and feelings, but we can learn to control what we do with them, that's something I think everyone whether bipolar or not has to work on. It might be harder for us, but it's achievable.

Loving someone doesn't make abuse ok. EVER
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Think about this tho:
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When you decide to stay DESPITE his behaviour, KNOWING he won't change: You basically relinquish any 'right' you had to call him out on his behaviour. Sure you can complain and vent to friends, BUT: You have to accept him as is, and make the best of your marriage, it was your informed decision afterall, and you gave your husband the greenlight to go ahead and treat you like a joke. Some things are definite deal-breakers, the rest are flaws you're willing to overlook...
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It's kinda like the voting rule, 'you can't complain about the ruling party if you didn't cast your ballot.'
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ps. If that was my husband, he'd have ZERO recording devices before the 1st video was complete.