[NaoSky]

I’m trying to restore my marriage and my husband doesn’t want a counselor to help. I don’t know what to do. He said that he doesn’t hate me but that he can’t let go of what was said and done. I did say some really hurtful things when I was manic and I don’t think it was me talking. He said he read somewhere that it’s what we really believe inside that comes out. I don’t think that’s what happened to me. At the time I went up I was still in love with him then something switched when he was trying to tell me something was wrong, I thought he was controlling me. So that’s when I came up with all of these reasons why I shouldn’t be with him. When I got depressed I realized that I really had bipolar... now it’s been difficult trying to figure out what I’m going to do next. I decided I want to restore my marriage and he seemed to be on board but now he’s telling me he doesn’t know how to let it go.... what I said and did.

I’ve told him that I was sorry, that it wasn’t me, that I love him.... I don’t know what else to do. Is there anything else I can do?

The only thing to do is work on yourself. If you feel ashamed of something that has happened, move on and try not let a repeat of those behaviors happen again. Love yourself and you will become more lovable.

It is likely that those negative thoughts about your relationship were skewed by how you were feeling that day. Don’t let those kind of thoughts take over because they are contagious. It’s okay to reflect on the past but try not to focus on the bad. Be in control of your life and you will attract good energy.

[wolftrap]

Does your husband understand bipolar, and that when you are manic you may say or do things you would’t normally do? I’ve certainly had my fair share of behaviors that destroyed both personal and professional relationships. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you understand what you said and why you said it. Perhaps he might better accept and move past the’what’ if he better understands the ‘why’?

[MickeyCheeky]

i am so Sorry this is happening to You! Perhaps it may be a Good IDEA to put Your Husband in touch with a professional therapist to Help him UnderstAnd what is Going on. Even just One or Two visits may be Helpful, not necessarely a counselor in Full-Time, or perhaps even some online articles And videos. Do You think he may agree on that? In any case i do Hope And Pray that things Will Iprove REALLY SOON Between You Two! SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @NaoSky, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your Husband And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Victoria'smom]

We had specials cards of ideas that we both like (ie. breakfast in bed, movie night, plan an at home date night, we had 52 ideas) We would blindly pick one each every week to do for the other and then put it back. We did it even when manic or depressed just to show we care even if we're being asses to each other. We are both in therapy and have joint sessions occasionally. Are you in therapy? Treat him like you would a friend who's in a bad relationship. that extra care you would give them. I'm sad to say this is probably not the last time this will happen. We have a 6 month rule, Fine you feel X way if you continuedly feel that way for 6 months then we'll talk about it. So now I say stuff like I feel trapped, I feel controlled, I feel instead of I want a divorce. Every time I say I want a divorce, now. I have to call and talk it over with my therapist and I'm still not able to do it until 6 months is up.

My husband was/is controlling at times because he's scared for me. Those times he's had to stop encourage me to talk to my treatment team or hospitalize me. He had to learn from my treatment team he sucks at being a treatment team and that's not his job. His job is to work with my treatment team and love me unconditionally. I have a list of if I'm doing X,Y,Z, he's allowed to call my therapist and inform her but that and making sure the basic bills are paid are his only job. You're husband is probably scared, doesn't know what to do next time this happens. It shook him. Have him go to a therapist alone for a little. Ask him to go 5x.

[*Beth*]

All I can suggest is working on yourself, meaning proper meds and therapy, to help ensure that your mania never goes that haywire again.

I had the worst (by far) manic episode I've ever had in Nov. 2018. My daughter and I had always been very close, but I said some awful things to her when I was in that mania. Nope, in no way did I mean the things I said...they were not my "true self", what I said was nuts. Plain and simple. But she was devastated.


She has refused to communicate with me for 2 years due to that episode. My heart is shattered. So I am working my arse off to avoid another destructive episode like that one was. I'm excruciatingly aware that sometimes we don't get a second chance.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by ann bog

The only thing to do is work on yourself. If you feel ashamed of something that has happened, move on and try not let a repeat of those behaviors happen again. Love yourself and you will become more lovable.

It is likely that those negative thoughts about your relationship were skewed by how you were feeling that day. Don’t let those kind of thoughts take over because they are contagious. It’s okay to reflect on the past but try not to focus on the bad. Be in control of your life and you will attract good energy.

I’ve been doing a little of both... but working on me is a challenge right now since I’m still going through this depression. I feel like it’s gotten a little better but it’s honestly hard to tell. I don’t focus on the past but my husband brought it up yesterday and started telling me everything I did to hurt him. I tried to tell him he’s told me it before but he almost shut down and said never mind. So I told him to tell me and he finally did. That’s when he also told me that he doesn’t know how to let it go and he feels like we are more like friends now. It breaks my heart because I know I hurt him and two I’m not sure if we can repair our marriage.... during the mania I filed for divorce but cancelled it when I started going through the depression. I know I confused him a lot and I know he’s scared. I just don’t know what to do to reassure him. But I also know I could go manic again and there are no guarantees with me.... it’s sad because if I had not turned on him I know he would have always been there for me with this stupid disorder. Now I’m stuck with awful consequences..... so ya it’s hard to work on myself when I’m still suffering and blaming myself for what happened... I didn’t even want to acknowledge it was a possibility that I had BD even though my mom has it. I even told them that BD doesn’t exist..... can people possibly let it go when we harm them with words or actions?

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by wolftrap

Does your husband understand bipolar, and that when you are manic you may say or do things you would’t normally do? I’ve certainly had my fair share of behaviors that destroyed both personal and professional relationships. Reading between the lines, it sounds like you understand what you said and why you said it. Perhaps he might better accept and move past the’what’ if he better understands the ‘why’?

Maybe I can focus on the why... I did tell him that my mind was running too fast and that I thought he was trying to control me when he was trying to help me. He just doesn’t understand how I could hurt him or say things about him. He also found out that I reached out to an old guy friend of mine and that hurt him too. He lives in California and I’m in Texas so he knows I didn’t meet up with him, but he still holds that against me too. I just don’t know if there’s anything I can say or do that will help him love me again. He stopped loving me and that’s the hardest part of this..... he said he still loved me when we started getting back together and I’ve been staying at his apartment but he doesn’t act like it and has slowly stopped telling me, then we had that talk last night.... so I feel like I’ve lost him.... 😢

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

i am so Sorry this is happening to You! Perhaps it may be a Good IDEA to put Your Husband in touch with a professional therapist to Help him UnderstAnd what is Going on. Even just One or Two visits may be Helpful, not necessarely a counselor in Full-Time, or perhaps even some online articles And videos. Do You think he may agree on that? In any case i do Hope And Pray that things Will Iprove REALLY SOON Between You Two! SEnding many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @NaoSky, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your Husband And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thank you! I’ve tried suggesting a therapist, but he never says yes about one.... I wish we could get counseling. Maybe that would help. I’m so scared he’s going to give up on me. I don’t see myself with anyone else and will probably end up alone like my mom. It’s just too hard to keep relationships with BD. I see what my moms been through.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

We had specials cards of ideas that we both like (ie. breakfast in bed, movie night, plan an at home date night, we had 52 ideas) We would blindly pick one each every week to do for the other and then put it back. We did it even when manic or depressed just to show we care even if we're being asses to each other. We are both in therapy and have joint sessions occasionally. Are you in therapy? Treat him like you would a friend who's in a bad relationship. that extra care you would give them. I'm sad to say this is probably not the last time this will happen. We have a 6 month rule, Fine you feel X way if you continuedly feel that way for 6 months then we'll talk about it. So now I say stuff like I feel trapped, I feel controlled, I feel instead of I want a divorce. Every time I say I want a divorce, now. I have to call and talk it over with my therapist and I'm still not able to do it until 6 months is up.

My husband was/is controlling at times because he's scared for me. Those times he's had to stop encourage me to talk to my treatment team or hospitalize me. He had to learn from my treatment team he sucks at being a treatment team and that's not his job. His job is to work with my treatment team and love me unconditionally. I have a list of if I'm doing X,Y,Z, he's allowed to call my therapist and inform her but that and making sure the basic bills are paid are his only job. You're husband is probably scared, doesn't know what to do next time this happens. It shook him. Have him go to a therapist alone for a little. Ask him to go 5x.

The idea cards sound like a good idea but that’s if we can stick this out and stay together. At this point I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure he’s fallen out of love with me and I don’t know if I can get that back. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok... 😢 but I don’t get that from him, he’s too angry and upset at what I did. So I feel like I’m just being punished... but I also feel like I deserve it. I’m so confused. It doesn’t help that I’m still going through my low.... so I can’t tell if I’m sad because if that or being low. This whole BD is driving me nuts. I want my life back... but that will never happen. He said I was the only one who’s different on the inside now... that I made him a different person. If I didn’t have our daughter to think about I would probably just let the marriage end because I know I hurt him.... but we have a 2 year old. I don’t want to split custody.... I would be in worse shape. My children are my world. I raised my first daughter for 11 years by myself and then 7 with my current husband. I’ve never been separated from my children, it would break me. I’m just hoping he will forgive me and we can get past this. I wish he would see a therapist, I just don’t think he will....

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by BethRags

All I can suggest is working on yourself, meaning proper meds and therapy, to help ensure that your mania never goes that haywire again.

I had the worst (by far) manic episode I've ever had in Nov. 2018. My daughter and I had always been very close, but I said some awful things to her when I was in that mania. Nope, in no way did I mean the things I said...they were not my "true self", what I said was nuts. Plain and simple. But she was devastated.


She has refused to communicate with me for 2 years due to that episode. My heart is shattered. So I am working my arse off to avoid another destructive episode like that one was. I'm excruciatingly aware that sometimes we don't get a second chance.

Oh Beth I am so sorry!! I know she will come around. I went through the same thing with my mom. I stopped talking to her for over a year. It took me a long time to accept my mom and love her despite the illness so I know it’s hard for people. I went through it on the other side. It takes patience and understanding.... so I guess I realize too how hard this is for my husband to accept. I just figured we have been together for 10 years, that he would never give up on me. But if children can turn their backs then it’s probably easier for spouses..... 😢

I’ve been staying on meds since July. I don’t plan on getting off of them anytime soon. I may need to get another therapist, but so far just been talking to my doctor and nurse practitioner.... I stopped talking to my counselor because I felt like I did all the suggestions and told them how I felt and went through everything so what was the point on repeating the same stuff.

Originally Posted by NaoSky

I’ve been doing a little of both... but working on me is a challenge right now since I’m still going through this depression. I feel like it’s gotten a little better but it’s honestly hard to tell. I don’t focus on the past but my husband brought it up yesterday and started telling me everything I did to hurt him. I tried to tell him he’s told me it before but he almost shut down and said never mind. So I told him to tell me and he finally did. That’s when he also told me that he doesn’t know how to let it go and he feels like we are more like friends now. It breaks my heart because I know I hurt him and two I’m not sure if we can repair our marriage.... during the mania I filed for divorce but cancelled it when I started going through the depression. I know I confused him a lot and I know he’s scared. I just don’t know what to do to reassure him. But I also know I could go manic again and there are no guarantees with me.... it’s sad because if I had not turned on him I know he would have always been there for me with this stupid disorder. Now I’m stuck with awful consequences..... so ya it’s hard to work on myself when I’m still suffering and blaming myself for what happened... I didn’t even want to acknowledge it was a possibility that I had BD even though my mom has it. I even told them that BD doesn’t exist..... can people possibly let it go when we harm them with words or actions?

I know how it feels to feel defeated when there are so many things out of your control, including your own actions. When depression takes over, it makes everything more difficult, more draining, more painful and life starts to feel less valuable. But you are worth the extra effort and in your own time, you will find new routines that work for you.

Your new routines may include limiting conversations that are draining for you. Your husband's feelings are important but not more important than your own. A healthy relationship does need understanding and compassion, but those needs to come from both involved. No matter what has happened in the past, there is no need to create blame on either side. The two of you will either make a decision to move passed it or you need more time.

There are consequences for our actions, but often people are willing to show compassion and understanding. Even if something you said or did had a negative impact, your positive actions could have a greater impact. You shouldn't blame yourself or your disorder. I've found that my disorder has been effective in helping me cope with life, but finding healthier coping methods may be in order. The more you practice these methods the more secure you will feel and you will have more control in mending your relationships.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

Oh Beth I am so sorry!! I know she will come around. I went through the same thing with my mom. I stopped talking to her for over a year. It took me a long time to accept my mom and love her despite the illness so I know it’s hard for people. I went through it on the other side. It takes patience and understanding.... so I guess I realize too how hard this is for my husband to accept. I just figured we have been together for 10 years, that he would never give up on me. But if children can turn their backs then it’s probably easier for spouses..... 😢

I’ve been staying on meds since July. I don’t plan on getting off of them anytime soon. I may need to get another therapist, but so far just been talking to my doctor and nurse practitioner.... I stopped talking to my counselor because I felt like I did all the suggestions and told them how I felt and went through everything so what was the point on repeating the same stuff.

Thank you for sharing how you felt about your mom's BD. That information is invaluable to me .

I'm thinking that another therapist could be truly helpful for you. I've been working with my therapist for over 2 years, and yesterday the strangest thing happened. I actually thought of you afterwards because you're having a hard time with your new diagnosis.

While my therapist was leading me through a relaxation meditation, out of nowhere a thought and feeling came together and I had an extremely strong, solid sense - for the first time in my life - of accepting my bipolar disorder. I mean truly accepting it as a part of who "I" am. I felt that suddenly I don't need to fight against it, I don't need to feel ashamed of it, I don't need to constantly question it (which I have found so draining). The feeling was astounding! I was thinking, WOW, where did THAT come from?! But it's stayed and stuck and I feel that that aspect of my struggle is finally at peace.

In my experience, therapy can do that. You might be working on one issue, but in the meantime your subconscious mind is churning away and suddenly bang! An insight hits you that changes your life, that heals a wound.

So what I'm trying to say is that I bet therapy could help you with feeling less uprooted by your new diagnosis. I believe that if you feel accepting of yourself, and you know you're being the best you possible, and you can forgive yourself - essentially, you have confidence in you as you are - loved ones will naturally have respect for you. Or, if not, you'll still know you're doing your best with your own life.

[Fuzzybear]

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by ann bog

I know how it feels to feel defeated when there are so many things out of your control, including your own actions. When depression takes over, it makes everything more difficult, more draining, more painful and life starts to feel less valuable. But you are worth the extra effort and in your own time, you will find new routines that work for you.

Your new routines may include limiting conversations that are draining for you. Your husband's feelings are important but not more important than your own. A healthy relationship does need understanding and compassion, but those needs to come from both involved. No matter what has happened in the past, there is no need to create blame on either side. The two of you will either make a decision to move passed it or you need more time.

There are consequences for our actions, but often people are willing to show compassion and understanding. Even if something you said or did had a negative impact, your positive actions could have a greater impact. You shouldn't blame yourself or your disorder. I've found that my disorder has been effective in helping me cope with life, but finding healthier coping methods may be in order. The more you practice these methods the more secure you will feel and you will have more control in mending your relationships.

Thank you Ann. I’m trying my best. Right now I’m staying with him in an apartment and it’s awkward. I still love him and feel so bad for what I’ve done.... we don’t talk about it all the time but when we did a couple of days ago is when he said he can’t let it go. He barely speaks to me now and won’t tell me he loves me anymore. It’s breaking my heart. He used to love me so much, I never thought this would happen. I’m just devastated. Not only that I’m super attached to our daughter. I don’t want to leave the apartment because if I do I won’t see her everyday, we would split custody and I’m heartbroken about that possibility. I know I can’t function without her. I know that’s not healthy, but I can’t help it. She’s what really helps me get up in the morning and have purpose. He hasn’t kicked me out of the apartment but I feel like it’s a matter of time. I don’t know if he will ever let it go and love me again, I’m hurting.

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Thank you for sharing how you felt about your mom's BD. That information is invaluable to me .

I'm thinking that another therapist could be truly helpful for you. I've been working with my therapist for over 2 years, and yesterday the strangest thing happened. I actually thought of you afterwards because you're having a hard time with your new diagnosis.

While my therapist was leading me through a relaxation meditation, out of nowhere a thought and feeling came together and I had an extremely strong, solid sense - for the first time in my life - of accepting my bipolar disorder. I mean truly accepting it as a part of who "I" am. I felt that suddenly I don't need to fight against it, I don't need to feel ashamed of it, I don't need to constantly question it (which I have found so draining). The feeling was astounding! I was thinking, WOW, where did THAT come from?! But it's stayed and stuck and I feel that that aspect of my struggle is finally at peace.

In my experience, therapy can do that. You might be working on one issue, but in the meantime your subconscious mind is churning away and suddenly bang! An insight hits you that changes your life, that heals a wound.

So what I'm trying to say is that I bet therapy could help you with feeling less uprooted by your new diagnosis. I believe that if you feel accepting of yourself, and you know you're being the best you possible, and you can forgive yourself - essentially, you have confidence in you as you are - loved ones will naturally have respect for you. Or, if not, you'll still know you're doing your best with your own life.

Thank you Beth. Do you meet them in person or virtual? I may decide to get one again... right now I’m good to just get through the day, I can’t think of adding much of anything else to my schedule. But I’m sure it could be helpful.
That’s cool that you thought of me. I hope one day I can accept all of it. I think I’m still in the shock, anger, and sadness part of it. I just still don’t understand why it happened to me and I don’t think it’s fair. I hate that it ruined my family and that I hurt my husband. I feel like I had too much fun and deserve consequences but at the same time know that it wasn’t in my control so why won’t he forgive me? He also read that my actions were what I really felt inside and I don’t know that’s 100% true. When I think back to how we were before this I know some things made me unhappy but I never thought I’d leave him... and even in the beginning of the mania I felt super in love with him.... but when he got concerned I confused it with control and that’s why I started the divorce process and told him to leave. But when I think now about how I feel, I want him, and I want to stay together and make it work. I get that he’s scared and thinks I’m going to do it again, and I can’t promise anything because I’ve got this illness.... so it sucks!!! I wish I could say it won’t happen again. I hope it doesn’t. I told him I was going to stay on my meds and get help.... but I don’t know if it’s enough.

I know time is the only thing that will help us.... I’m just so sad about everything....

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

Thank you Beth. Do you meet them in person or virtual?

Virtual during covid. *sigh*

I may decide to get one again... right now I’m good to just get through the day, I can’t think of adding much of anything else to my schedule. But I’m sure it could be helpful.



That’s cool that you thought of me. I hope one day I can accept all of it. I think I’m still in the shock, anger, and sadness part of it. I just still don’t understand why it happened to me and I don’t think it’s fair. I hate that it ruined my family and that I hurt my husband.

Yes, I did think of you.

You're probably going through stages of grief, feeling that you've lost your identity...who you thought you were.

I feel like I had too much fun and deserve consequences but at the same time know that it wasn’t in my control so why won’t he forgive me? He also read that my actions were what I really felt inside and I don’t know that’s 100% true.

Apparently, for most people empathizing with a mental illness is not possible...maybe it's too scary.

When I think back to how we were before this I know some things made me unhappy but I never thought I’d leave him... and even in the beginning of the mania I felt super in love with him.... but when he got concerned I confused it with control and that’s why I started the divorce process and told him to leave. But when I think now about how I feel, I want him, and I want to stay together and make it work. I get that he’s scared and thinks I’m going to do it again, and I can’t promise anything because I’ve got this illness.... so it sucks!!! I wish I could say it won’t happen again. I hope it doesn’t. I told him I was going to stay on my meds and get help.... but I don’t know if it’s enough.

Have you communicated this to him?

I know time is the only thing that will help us.... I’m just so sad about everything....

It's understandable. Still, excruciatingly painful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[NaoSky]

So I got brave enough to talk to my husband tonight. I was nervous and shaking. I’m typically non confrontational and during my mania I said too much.... so I’m back in my shell but way worse because of the depression.... so talking to him was huge for me. I told him I didn’t want him to be with me out of obligation or feel like he’s stuck but wanted to know where he stood and I told him where I stood. He’s basically scared and doesn’t know for sure... he said he feels cold toward me and thinks he needs time for his heart to warm back up. He said he could take a month or 6 months, he doesn’t know. He’s worried that I could go manic again and doesn’t want to go through it again. We also had CPS involved so he’s afraid of them if I get hospitalized again. He just has a lot of fears. I told him he had every right to feel that way. So even though there was no closure, I feel better for bringing it up. It’s like a lot has been lifted. So I guess time will tell....

[NaoSky]

Originally Posted by BethRags

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes I brought up that to him tonight so hopefully he understands it more.

You are probably right, it does feel like my identity is gone and I’m trying to figure out who I am again. I think this whole experience will eventually make me stronger, I just need lots of time. I love writing also, so I was thinking maybe I could write a book about bipolar. I don’t know how many books there are about it, but I think some people would be interested in reading about what it’s really like from firsthand experiences. I was writing a book while I was manic, but when I’ve re-read part of it, it was too mixed up. I didn’t make a lot of sense in parts of it and jumped from one idea to the next as fast as popcorn pops. I had a zillion ideas!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by NaoSky

Yes I brought up that to him tonight so hopefully he understands it more.

You are probably right, it does feel like my identity is gone and I’m trying to figure out who I am again. I think this whole experience will eventually make me stronger, I just need lots of time. I love writing also, so I was thinking maybe I could write a book about bipolar. I don’t know how many books there are about it, but I think some people would be interested in reading about what it’s really like from firsthand experiences. I was writing a book while I was manic, but when I’ve re-read part of it, it was too mixed up. I didn’t make a lot of sense in parts of it and jumped from one idea to the next as fast as popcorn pops. I had a zillion ideas!

There are many, many books about BD - and no where near enough! Especially memoirs.