[wildflowerchild25]

Ok so I am officially on board to start work next week so that’s a huge relief! Now that that anxiety is gone I feel more confident about completing wedding tasks.

I’m pretty pissed off at my disability insurance, apparently they don’t provide payment because of the state I am in. I was supposed to apply to the state and no one ever told me. It’s too late now, I’d have to get my clinician to fill out all the forms and I’m no longer in the program. These people, between them and the company claims adjuster it’s a wonder I got anything approved, and for what? Nothing really!

@BethRags,
I’m so very sorry about your daughter. I have to agree with whoever said it, that it is unfortunately her problem that she has to deal with. I can see it is devastating for you to lose her but I really hope and will put out good vibes that she eventually comes around. The fact that you were at least trying sats volumes. My brother and mom are estranged, not for the same reason (she absolutely treated us, and especially him, wrong when we were growing up). But she has no interest in making up with him as she blames him for the estrangement for some reason. He’s tried numerous times to make up with her but she blows him off, which is devastating to my brother. I know if and when your daughter gets back in contact you will welcome her with open arms and that says a lot about you as a mom and a person.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Since I noticed my mood shifts, I started knocking myself out at night with Ambien for about the last 2 or 3 weeks. But it's starting to give me slight headaches and nausea. The chronic insomnia is challenging. Have bad night time anxiety.

Got suddenly depressed about Thursday or Friday last week. Spent most of the weekend in bed. Had myself convinced I should buy a pack of cigarettes (quit 5 months ago) because I didn't care if I got cancer. I didn't buy them. I felt a bit better yesterday. I just feel like such a failure. I'm not good enough. My house is a wreck, I always forget to pay bills, I'm a terrible mom, I suck as girlfriend. I should be better at work, I feel like so many things there are my fault. I don't know, I just needed to vent. I feel alone. I know you guys get it. I don't really have anyone to talk to.

Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

Yes, we get it

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@BethRags:

I'm happy to hear that your daughter was raised in a loving supportive home. But you did mention scaring her off with your last episode of mania so her experience has not been completely smooth, from what i understand of what you share here.

Also, you don't know what she experiences as triggering. Of course i don't doubt that you don't *intentionally* trigger her, just as my mom didn't. But i know for me the experience of just chatting with my mom, just hearing her voice and speech patterns, would churn up all sorts of negatives.

I'm not taking sides and i'm not attacking you or calling you a "bad mom." I'm sure that in general you were very loving and supportive and your daughter does have this anxiety problem of her own. But you have to work with that too.

I know my parents did not protest when i blamed them for my brother's death because they knew it was useful for me to blame someone rather than accepting that life just gets out-of-control sometimes and tragedies happen. That's a scary truth for a youngster, for anyone, of any age.

So they just let me be and i'm grateful for that. Now i'm in a safe place and can have a more balanced view of my parents. I say now merely that they "played a role" in my brother's death, not that they were murderers, tho i sometimes lapse back into blame when i'm cranky.

Perhaps my POV is more about me than you. Again, i'm certainly not implying that you were a "bad mom" or that you intentionally harmed your daughter and i'm not taking sides but living with a bipolar parent has got to have it's disadvantages and you say your daughter is uber-sensitive also so perhaps she *is* having an out-of-proportion reaction but it's best to co-operate with her in it as you don't know what her experience is.

I know i appreciated my mom's respect for my own judgment of what was best for me at the time, even tho she did not understand. And i know you don't mean it when you call your daughter "selfish." I feel you're just angry and it's okay to be angry here where it's anonymous and a place to vent but please don't spread it around elsewhere in your life. That's certainly not gonna help things any.

Well, i'm not a mom, but i am a daughter, so i am only speaking for *my* experience of *my* mom and i don't mean any offense. You've certainly been a good friend to me here and i don't want to alienate you and all your loving support.

Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest!

I'm not "spreading" any negative anything, except here. I really do think you're projecting your personal situation onto my situation. I adore my children and have never - never - compromised that love in any way. I always find it amusing when people who have not raised children know so well how to raise children

Anyway, my daughter is not a child, she's 36 years old.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I saw my psychiatrist today. We were clearly on the same page about the change I needed in my medications. Some here may recall that I figured that a small increase of Lamictal was best. I didn't even have to suggest that. He did. I feel quite fortunate that he seems to understand my situation and needs, despite the short time I've been in Czech Republic. He gave me an appointment just two weeks from now, for follow up. Again, I seem quite lucky finding him.

I know that therapy is again necessary. Luckily I finally meet a new one on September 6. I'm hoping he'll be a good fit for me. I've historically struggled more finding therapists than psychiatrists, for some reason. I've had male therapists before, but my last several ones were females.

@BethRags, you know there is a huge difference, in my view, between you and other mothers (or fathers) whose children become estranged. The difference is that you clearly love and yearn for a loving relationship with yours. Far too often parents don't have that deep honest love. I don't think my maternal grandmother loved my mother as genuinely as you seem to love your daughter. I do hope that someday she will get passed whatever her issue is. I totally agree with whatever2013 that the issue IS hers more than yours. It is sad that it might take time for her to realize it.

Sending hugs to all. I realize many here are struggling with various challenges, right now. If there is anything that can be done to alleviate your stress, in a healthy way, please do it. We must sometimes say "No" to certain things. It's OK to do so. Necessary to do so, sometimes. It's not the end of the world to do so.

Sounds like you've hooked up with a good pdoc. I hope the therapist is also a winner!

Yes, there is a tremendous difference between me and (most) other moms whose children have gone "no contact." As I mentioned in a previous post, most (all?) of my daughter's anger at me has to do with me (foolishly) passing her email address to her biological father (he contacted me on Facebook). He seemed so sincere about wanting to know her, and I stupidly fell for his so-called "sincerity." My daughter is disappointed because as it turned out, she doesn't particularly like him. She's turned her anger on me because she knows that I would never, under any circumstances, abandon her. That's it in a nutshell, but without going into the 36 years of her life....it's impossible to explain all the details of the situation.

I appreciate your understanding, Soupe.

[Mountaindewed]

It’s weird because the more caffeine I have the less anxious I am. I had a trenta pumpkin cream cold brew from Starbucks and a cherry Vanilla Coke Zero this morning and I haven’t had any Valium. But yesterday I had stress relief tea and a couple mugs of low caffeine tea and one soda and my anxiety was through the roof and I took 4 Valium. I think herbal supplement tea can interact with certain meds.

I made it out of my house today with little issues. Most places were not crowded. I found the Gatorade water bottle with the lid you open and close. But I didn’t find the new Mountain Dew.

My main issue today was the heat. It’s very hot out and I didn’t even get all my shopping done. I needed to get to the pet store but I can wait until tomorrow. I didn’t have any water this morning just the coffee and soda. I’m wearing a black shirt. I was in the garage after Starbucks practicing my skateboard for a few minutes. It didn’t exactly go the greatest. But I’ll try again tomorrow. When I came home from the store I chugged a low calorie Gatorade and I’ve cooled off. I have my headphones on to block out this movie or whatever it is that my brother is watching and I’m really hoping the Christmas music they were playing was part of the movie and not a commercial.

But yeah today I feel way less anxiety then I did yesterday despite much more caffeine today. Also my moods are ok too. I woke up at 11:30 last night and I thought I was gonna have an issue. But I ate a piece of salmon right before midnight, and I strangely ate a candy bar right after midnight. Then I took 3 melatonin. That 3 layer kind and 2 zzquil gummies. I got back to sleep at 1 and I woke up at 4:30 feeling a little bit sick to my stomach from all the melatonin. But I feel fine now.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I saw my psychiatrist today. We were clearly on the same page about the change I needed in my medications. Some here may recall that I figured that a small increase of Lamictal was best. I didn't even have to suggest that. He did. I feel quite fortunate that he seems to understand my situation and needs, despite the short time I've been in Czech Republic. He gave me an appointment just two weeks from now, for follow up. Again, I seem quite lucky finding him.

I know that a therapist is again necessary. Luckily I finally meet a new one on September 6. I'm hoping he'll be a good fit. I've historically struggled more finding therapists than psychiatrists, for some reason. I've had male therapists before, but my last several ones were females.

I called my Dad a bit ago. It was long overdue, and I know I should reach out more often. The sadness is that he's only a shell of what he used to be. He's become so cognitively declined.

Sending hugs to all. I realize many here are struggling with various challenges, right now. If there is anything that can be done to alleviate your stress, in a healthy way, please do it. We must sometimes say "No" to certain things. It's OK to do so. Necessary to do so, sometimes. It's not the end of the world to do so.

I’ve found Pdocs to be more intimidating then therapists. So I am able to stay with a Pdoc longer then I am with a therapist. I think because I don’t make a fuss with them or get moody the way I do with my therapists. I only had transference with one and then the last one was super unprofessional and she scared me a bit, and then this current one just says she’s not qualified to work with me. So it’s not always something I’m doing. I just haven’t had much luck with therapists. A lot of them just suck.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’ve found Pdocs to be more intimidating then therapists. So I am able to stay with a Pdoc longer then I am with a therapist. I think because I don’t make a fuss with them or get moody the way I do with my therapists. I only had transference with one and then the last one was super unprofessional and she scared me a bit, and then this current one just says she’s not qualified to work with me. So it’s not always something I’m doing. I just haven’t had much luck with therapists. A lot of them just suck.

I don't know how you reacted when your last tdoc said she's not qualified to work with you, but you're far from the only one who has heard such things. I hope you didn't take that as a reflection on you, because it was more a reflection on her. However, in the end it was respectable that the tdoc stated that. Admitting her limitations. Better than seeing someone for a long time who clearly isn't up to snuff.

I remember maybe three or so years ago having to look for a new tdoc. At the time, I was not in crisis. And yet, at the end of the first intake session, she stated "I can't accept you as a client because I feel I'd need a full team to handle your case." I confess that gobsmacked me. It's not like I didn't have a psychiatrist. I did. Once the shock passed (in my car), I started laughing hysterically. What got to me was that I had been clear in my inquiry email what my diagnosis was and that I was on disability. If that, alone, was her cause for rejection, I thought she might have not offered any appointment, rather than charging me for one, needlessly. Truth is, it became apparent that that therapist preferred "lighter" issues and that she regarded bipolar disorder (or at least my flavor) as too challenging...or maybe even scary. And yet, she told me at the end that I was "a very pleasant woman", so it wasn't that I scared her during our one and only meeting. But yes, some therapists aren't able to handle bigger...or different, challenges.

I know some people don't all have access to a large pool of mental health professionals, to choose between. If you do, or in case you might get lucky, you might want to do online research to try to find a better match. I remember Psychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist having a good filter tool that pulls special results. Filter options are not just by area, insurance, and such, but even specialization, including bipolar disorder, autism spectrum, anxiety, transgender, and similar. I'm sure some exaggerate when filling in their profiles, but not all. I found five therapists there that I had at least one session with. Three of them turned out to be somewhat to long-term and quite helpful.

[Mountaindewed]

I just got pissed because she was the 3rd therapist to tell me she wasn’t qualified to handle my issues and I felt like I was just being handed from therapist to therapist.

The first guy said he couldn’t see me because he didn’t know anything about autism. The second one who I did stay with for almost 2 years said she wasn’t qualified to continue to work with me if I weren’t moving because of the eating stuff. Then my current T said the same thing about the eating stuff but also she doesn’t understand how to handle my trans issues.

[Mountaindewed]

I ordered 3 pairs of jeans this month. One of them the tracking info got screwy and they weren’t delivered when they should have been. I waited for a few days and then I contacted them and they asked for the number and then they said it got lost in the mail so they’d send me another pair

But today the package just showed up. So I did I score a free pair of jeans or are they going to come back and ask for them?

I feel kinda guilty like I conned them or something but I waited several days before contacting them and I had zero tracking information. Just a number that didn’t work. They were the ones who told me the package was lost.

I mean, I technically still owe a therapy clinic over $300 from almost 3 years ago. But I left suddenly and I never got a bill from them.

**** happens I guess.

[Victoria'smom]

Mountain dewed I've been through so many therapist I've only had 2 that have helped. The rest I either didn't click with or I got transferred. I'm hoping this one stays with me for a while. I like her. It's worth going through therapist to get one that can handle your issues and you click with.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Ok so I am officially on board to start work next week so that’s a huge relief! Now that that anxiety is gone I feel more confident about completing wedding tasks.

I’m pretty pissed off at my disability insurance, apparently they don’t provide payment because of the state I am in. I was supposed to apply to the state and no one ever told me. It’s too late now, I’d have to get my clinician to fill out all the forms and I’m no longer in the program. These people, between them and the company claims adjuster it’s a wonder I got anything approved, and for what? Nothing really!

@BethRags,
I’m so very sorry about your daughter. I have to agree with whoever said it, that it is unfortunately her problem that she has to deal with. I can see it is devastating for you to lose her but I really hope and will put out good vibes that she eventually comes around. The fact that you were at least trying sats volumes. My brother and mom are estranged, not for the same reason (she absolutely treated us, and especially him, wrong when we were growing up). But she has no interest in making up with him as she blames him for the estrangement for some reason. He’s tried numerous times to make up with her but she blows him off, which is devastating to my brother. I know if and when your daughter gets back in contact you will welcome her with open arms and that says a lot about you as a mom and a person.

I'm so glad you're less anxious. Anxiety is a hell.

Thank you so much, wfc. I feel like you really understand the situation with my daughter. I know she's entirely secure, knowing that whenever she decides to contact me I'll be right there for her. She can be selfish, but she's also very sensitive (no, I wouldn't say those words to her).

[Mountaindewed]

I feel super dehydrated or something. I know I was out in the sun and I haven’t been drinking a ton of water. I’m nauseated and I thought it was because I haven’t eaten much all day. I tried eating some noodles thinking it would help but it didn’t. I still feel nauseated. So I just chugged a Gatorade and I took Tylenol and I’m hoping that will fix things. My urine is very dark and I’m not going much. I’m just going to chug water all night.

I’ve felt sick for 2 days but I don’t have a fever and going to the doctors for just a bunch of vague symptoms isn’t a good idea. I think it’s just been the intense heat and the skateboarding I did. And anxiety too since this seemed to start after the conversation with my therapist about vaccines. I think it spooked me. I don’t know why my Valium isn’t working though.

I don’t know what to do at this point except to just sleep it off. I’ve taken everything I can and eaten and drank what I could stomach and nothing is helping. It doesn’t really feel like anxiety but I could just be somatic too.

@BethRags:

Sorry Beth. I'll butt out. I was being indulgent. Please forgive me!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

It’s weird because the more caffeine I have the less anxious I am. I had a trenta pumpkin cream cold brew from Starbucks and a cherry Vanilla Coke Zero this morning and I haven’t had any Valium. But yesterday I had stress relief tea and a couple mugs of low caffeine tea and one soda and my anxiety was through the roof and I took 4 Valium. I think herbal supplement tea can interact with certain meds.

I made it out of my house today with little issues. Most places were not crowded. I found the Gatorade water bottle with the lid you open and close. But I didn’t find the new Mountain Dew.

My main issue today was the heat. It’s very hot out and I didn’t even get all my shopping done. I needed to get to the pet store but I can wait until tomorrow. I didn’t have any water this morning just the coffee and soda. I’m wearing a black shirt. I was in the garage after Starbucks practicing my skateboard for a few minutes. It didn’t exactly go the greatest. But I’ll try again tomorrow. When I came home from the store I chugged a low calorie Gatorade and I’ve cooled off. I have my headphones on to block out this movie or whatever it is that my brother is watching and I’m really hoping the Christmas music they were playing was part of the movie and not a commercial.

But yeah today I feel way less anxiety then I did yesterday despite much more caffeine today. Also my moods are ok too. I woke up at 11:30 last night and I thought I was gonna have an issue. But I ate a piece of salmon right before midnight, and I strangely ate a candy bar right after midnight. Then I took 3 melatonin. That 3 layer kind and 2 zzquil gummies. I got back to sleep at 1 and I woke up at 4:30 feeling a little bit sick to my stomach from all the melatonin. But I feel fine now.

Caffeine makes me sleepy. I don't know if it's a med reaction or what.

You know how to skateboard? So cool! I wanted to when I was younger, but never caught on.

[Victoria'smom]

I gave up on my anxiety meds. I told h I'll handle everything when I get home. I almost picked up smoking again yesterday. Today my throat itches but I'm not telling anyone. I just want to go home where I don't have to try as hard. I have no other symptoms. So I'm just going to be quiet.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@BethRags:

Sorry Beth. I'll butt out. I was being indulgent. Please forgive me!

I didn't intend to be so harsh, and I'm sorry for that. For the first year of my daughter's estrangement I beat the ***** out of myself for having considered myself a "terrific mom" when obviously, I wasn't. It took a lot of communicating with others and doing a tremendous amount of self-searching to conclude that yes, I had been an excellent mom. My daughter can be selfish (she's not perfect, just as none of us are) and high-maintenance. She's also a super-terrific woman. No matter what she does to me, I will love her forever. I know now that if anything, I was too indulgent with her. But it's okay...it'll all work out some day - hopefully sooner than later.

My first night on 2mg of Valium went fine! I'm 90% off these dreadful dirty narcotic benzos. I slept well and woke up at 5:00am. My moods are all over the place tho. Mixed, i guess. It's very unpleasant. Just got thru several hours of writing in my journal about what a gargoyle i am and how i must be a hermit and cut myself off from the world for my own protection. I went to a public transit rally today and my beloved city councilor did not recognize me tho i did have a sunhat, glasses and mask on and my hair is blue. It's hard to recognize people with lots of headwear on.

Anyways it made me feel small and depressed even tho the rally was good and i enjoyed the outing, there's a small art gallery at city hall i browsed and on the way back i saw the most amusing thing, an old man on the bus with a belt AND major suspenders on! I guess he was REALLY concerned that his pants not fall down! Anyways it was charming, people are so funny!

The Women's Group BBQ is tomorrow at 4:00pm and i have my exquisite bean salad all ready to go and my alcohol-free wine chilling but i feel cautious since today's rejection wounded me so deeply. I don't know if i'm strong enough to go to the BBQ and have to navigate the deep murky social waters. I'll have to play it by ear, it might be okay, everyone will be in the mood to celebrate and on their best behavior. I'll just have to see how my energy goes. I hope i go but i have doubt.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved uncle. An aunt or an uncle have such distinctive, important roles in our lives.

I think of you often, Christina. You are such a special person; I hate to know that you're having to battle so hard

Beth thank you so much I sure do hope things ease up even if its just a little..

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

@~Christina, my condolences on your loss. I agree with Beth that aunt's and uncles have a special place in our lives. Even if not close ones, they represent close family bonds. I was very sad when I lost one recently, as well.

Thanks so much Soupe I have just one other Aunt and one Uncle left. Both live in Florida.

Yes they do have a special place in my heart..

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

@~Christina
I am so sorry for your loss. Lots of hugs.

Thanks

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

So sorry for your loss @~Christina

Thanks I hope your recovery is going well I am just glad that they found out what was causing such brutal pain !

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My daughter has moved to New York to attend grad school. My husband asked her for her new address, but she said she would prefer not to give it to him because she no longer wants me to write to her. I had been sending warm and very "neutral" letters to her, small occasional gifts, and occasional cards. She's nixed that. No mom and daughter could be closer than my daughter and I were. She cut all contact after I was IP almost 3 years ago. I'm devastated. Writing to her by post was the only communication I had with her. Now I don't even know her address. I still don't know why she's so angry at me, only that her therapist encourages her to go "no contact" for whatever reason(s).

In all of my years of being a mom the one thing I never expected was that one of my kids would stop contact with me. My heart is very heavy.

I am so sorry that she's cut off contact even further with this move.

I can't even imagine how heart breaking this is for you.

I don't know if this would help but maybe continue to write letters and just keep them in a box of some sort maybe the day will come when she's ready to start repairing the relationship and she might want to read them? or if not read just see that you have written her letters all along..

Please be gentle with yourself. Does your T have any advice on how to somehow try and cope with all this ???

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I slept a little better last night. Having Hubby go to bed at the same time as me was likely a factor. Normally he's a real night owl and doesn't go to bed until 3 am. Little sleep never seems to bother him, unlike me. Also, I kept my sound machine on all night long, on rainfall mode. I know that works well. I should remember to use it more often.

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist, after about a month. I will seize the opportunity to tell him how I've been struggling. Too often I feel "a little better" right before such visits, then under report...and regret it.

A new acquaintance we have in our new town was so generous today. She brought us a whole bunch of dried wild mushrooms, a big bag of homegrown tomatoes, two jars of her neighbor's fresh honey, some gingerbread cookies, and date bars. The tomatoes will be no problem to use up, as I'm obsessed with them. As for the honey, I'll have to come up with some new ideas. I was mentioning to Hubby that I want to figure out what to give her as a sort of gift. Something American. Though I love to bake and cook, I confess I'm a little nervous to give her something I make. She was trained professionally to work at a cukrarna (a Czech sweet-shop that sells confections). Then I thought about creating a flower arrangement. She's also good at that. What can I offer that she couldn't do as well, or better? A dance performance - LOL! No, she's very sweet. I wish I could chat with her more than I do, but the language barrier is an issue.

I'm glad that you got better sleep.

So kind of her to bring you such tasty stuff.. Since she's professionally trained in the baking side of things Maybe make her something she could have for dinner? lunch? One of your fantastic dinners would be a delicious thing for her and who doesnt like a night off from cooking a meal???

I am so happy that you found a Wonderful Pdoc that is huge!!! and I hope that the T is also someone that will be a great fit !

Ooooooh a rainfall sound machine, it is soothing. As much as I hate that my husband needs Oxygen at night the sound of the machine makes this steady sound that is like white noise but every 5 seconds there a a bit of a hum for a second..

Has your weather cooled off yet??

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

HORRIBLE new psychiatrist!!!

So my wise pdoc of 3 - plus years suddenly quit 2 weeks ago. I've been assigned to a pdoc who lives in New Mexico, so we have to do telehealth (which I terribly dislike). This new woman is obnoxious. Arrogant, and acted like she knows me much better than I do. No sense of me having any say in my treatment. FIVE minutes into the session she informed me that I absolutely cannot have bipolar disorder because no one with BD takes an antidepressant. No one.


What a dipshite.

I'm so stuck. I hate this. I've had a large number of crappy pdocs in my life and here I am, right back with another one

Ohhhh No

Well she wrong across the board on ALL of it. Shame on her. Ok since she lives in New Mexico could she just be a fill in until your normal office finds someone local? I mean I cant imagine anyone that was seeing your old Pdoc having someone do telehealth for ever and ever?

Sooo many people with BP I and II take a AD..

Is she going to keep your medications the same??? Since she is out of state can prescribe them all?

Ill make a VooDoo doll of her if you want? Ill be more than happy to stab it daily.

Gentle hugs

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

The social worker gave us very little notice. I had to rush home from the pool at 3:45 for a 4:00 appointment. The bad news is that there is nowhere for my brother to go right now. There will be eventually. The good news is that there are services they can set up to make things easier for us. Things like pill packs for his 17 medications (how does a body handle 17 medications???) with free delivery. Other things like transportation for his many, many appointments. I’ll do the best I can while still firmly carving out my own time. Floating in the pool for two beautiful days certainly helped me handle the news. I appreciate all the support I’ve received here. I will take care to look out for myself.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Wednesday.

I'm sorry that there is no openings for your Brother right now is he on the list for a opening? but I am glad that there is at least some help available now. Having transportation to medical appts is a really big help you dont have to try and get him in and out of the car etc.

Oooo that pool sounds wonderful. I'm happy and proud of you for sticking to making time for YOU that is a big thing when your doing so much for him and your Mom.. Do lots of floating for me too