[Crazy Hitch]

I'm eating a fruit salad from the canteen. Go healthy me!

[June08]

@Blueberrybook does your pdoc order labs to check your lamotrigine levels ever? I've heard this is a thing, and my pcp made it sound like it's important (she even checked them once), but my pdoc has never ordered labs to check, even when I was first starting the med.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

My pdoc appt. went well. Meds are staying the same. The drive home was a bit less harrowing than the drive there. The road was still pretty flooded, but at least the rain slowed down a lot, so at least visibillity was much better. But I'm glad that drive is over! I really should have called and re-scheduled that appt.

I folded laundry and painted a frappucino then did a very quick rough sketch of a crouching cat.

I hope everyone has a fantastic day!

I meant to reply earlier but I got distracted, your Frappuccino and cat sketch both look awesome! I particularly love the Frappuccino as I love drawing and painting food/drinks as well , great job!

[June08]

Today has been good. I had Endow women's study group meeting. It was a nice time. It was only our second meeting, but the meetings are structured in a way where you tend to get to know each other pretty quickly. They all seem like really nice people.

For the first time since I got sick, I was able to handle about 15 minutes of a 30 minute beginners workout video! We'll see how my POTs symptoms do tomorrow, but this could be a HUGE step in getting my health back since first getting sick in Nov of 2023. I'm pretty excited about what this could mean.

I'm feeling anxious and restless this evening. I'm not sure what I'll do with my time until I go to bed. My library books did end up getting auto-renewed so I'm not on such a tight timeline to finish them.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by June08

@Blueberrybook does your pdoc order labs to check your lamotrigine levels ever? I've heard this is a thing, and my pcp made it sound like it's important (she even checked them once), but my pdoc has never ordered labs to check, even when I was first starting the med.

I’m not blueberry, but when I was on lamictal my pdoc and my regular doctor followed my levels. When I first moved back here there wasn’t a pdoc available and my regular doctor followed continued my meds as they were but he too ordered levels for the lamictal.

[raspberrytorte]

I keep on having these vivid snippets of memory of things that give me dejuvu (sp) but that were never part of my life, like I'm now getting flashes of memories from alternate dimensional mes. It's very odd. Like somehow I managed to create a crack in the flood gates. I'm having trouble distinguishing what is this life and what is a different life, and I definitely don't want those floodgates to burst open! I'd be so overwhelmed. 😩

Anyway, vacation was fun. Feeling slightly sick today though. Have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning and I'm pretty sure an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday. Have to call tomorrow and confirm that one though. Usually I write this shyt in the calendar, but didn't this time for some reason.

Still no writing... but I've been reading a lot. I was SO overwhelmed. This guy I published in the ezine a while back got an anthology of his short stories published and included my name in the acknowledgements. 😭

[LadyShadow]

I am so proud of myself for not falling apart tonight. These little victories mean a lot. I am going to bed feeling positive and hopeful even though he didn't call me tonight. I think I am getting better. That therapy session really did miracles.

[Crazy Hitch]

You’re a strong person @LadyShadow!

[Blue_Bird]

I can’t sleep. I woke up at 1am yesterday and have been up ever since. It’s 2am today Friday. Have been up 25 hours and counting. I have two appointments today so it’s gonna suck cause by time I can go to sleep tonight I’ll have been up 40 something hours.

[Blue_Bird]

I also hate myself because I feel like a failure. I can barely leave the house lately due to anxiety/fear of panic attacks and dissociation. And the fact that I have to get a payee again. Because I’m a **** up.

I kept having thoughts of ending my life a few days ago but I know I can’t do that as I have two cats to take care of.

Im really sick of everything. Things seem pointless. I failed with the jobs back when I was trying to work. I couldn’t handle the stress. I just now had to step back from my 4 year long volunteer job now because of my anxiety and dissociation were making it hard for me to get to my shifts. I just needed a break but I still feel like a failure cause it seems I can’t do anything right.

[Crazy Hitch]

I’m sorry it’s so tough for you BlueBird. You are not a failure. You’re a warm, compassionate person who has a big heart. Don’t listen to those negative thoughts. It’s obscuring your judgement.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

You’re a strong person @LadyShadow!

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I also hate myself because I feel like a failure. I can barely leave the house lately due to anxiety/fear of panic attacks and dissociation. And the fact that I have to get a payee again. Because I’m a **** up.

I kept having thoughts of ending my life a few days ago but I know I can’t do that as I have two cats to take care of.

Im really sick of everything. Things seem pointless. I failed with the jobs back when I was trying to work. I couldn’t handle the stress. I just now had to step back from my 4 year long volunteer job now because of my anxiety and dissociation were making it hard for me to get to my shifts. I just needed a break but I still feel like a failure cause it seems I can’t do anything right.

Hey @Blue_Bird, I hope you got some good sleep last night. You know how in DBT they talk about vulnerabilities and lack of sleep (among so many other things) being one of those things that can make us more prone to these types of thoughts?

You're dealing with a lot right now. A lot of us need or have needed payees (or should have them) or even "do" but in a more unofficial light (like how some hand over their cards/money when they notice themselves getting more impulsive with money). A lot of us can't work. Bipolar/schizoaffective/PTSD/etc. are all legitimate reasons for being on disability which is why we're allowed to collect those benefits. It's hard to do these things.

You're doing the best you can with what you have. You've done an awesome job volunteering with the kitties, you know you're struggling and need a break, that is perfectly okay (and I'm pretty sure you said you even plan to go back once it cools off a bit too, so that's awesome!)

You have so much resilience, desire, and perseverance. I don't know if you see it right now, or really think about it that much, but I do and I know a lot of others on this board do too.

[Blueberrybook]

No, he (pdoc) she (PCP) do not check lamictal levels per se. However, my PCP orders regular liver & kidney checks (sometimes the GI does too) and sends the results to the pdoc so both have them. Now, when I was on lithium, they always did check lithium levels.

[unaluna]

Yeah blue bird - seems to me like your volunteer job morphed from shelter kitties to your adopted-foster kitty and her grandmama. Thats a lot of jobs that werent really being counted.

I came across the WDNC (we do not care) club on youtube and facebook. Boy it made me realize how much women are just pestered to death, assuming you can take care of EVERYTHING, AND YET ANOTHER THING! Plus the woman is just effing hilarious.

[Blue_Bird]

Thanks everyone, I’m gonna reply more in a few minutes. He made a bunch of adjustments to my meds. He said it’s probably a mixed manic episode from when I was overspending and the lack of sleep and racing thoughts plus the crashing/dipping into depression sometimes too simultaneously. He increased a few of my meds (Thorazine, klonopin and Lamictal) and decreased one (Zoloft). And also ordered bloodwork to check my trileptal levels because the next step once I stabilize on the Lamictal and also am sleeping then he will very slowly start to decrease the trileptal till I’m off it and eventually stop the Thorazine as well.

The goal is to over time to just be on 50 mg Zoloft, 100mg Lamictal, 30mg abilify and klonopin PRN. He said I might eventually need to go up to 200mg of Lamictal but we’ll see how I do on the 100mg. But it’s gonna take awhile to get there. He said the most important thing right now is stabilizing and getting my sleep straightened out. Said spring/summer is a bad time for people with bipolar. Anyway, he’s gonna sign the paperwork for me to get a payee

Also apparently trileptal metabolizes other meds and makes them less effective. So when it’s decreased it has to be done really slowly because decreasing it will automatically increase my Lamictal levels.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah blue bird - seems to me like your volunteer job morphed from shelter kitties to your adopted-foster kitty and her grandmama. Thats a lot of jobs that werent really being counted.

I came across the WDNC (we do not care) club on youtube and facebook. Boy it made me realize how much women are just pestered to death, assuming you can take care of EVERYTHING, AND YET ANOTHER THING! Plus the woman is just effing hilarious.

Yeah I love doing it but sometimes it gets overwhelming. Cause like now I do her grocery orders for her too and also help her organize and stuff too. And I helped her take her luggage to Amtrak. And helped her grocery shop. And helped her clean out her clothing. So I got 85 year old lady along with her cat lol. It’s okay honestly but sometimes I do get overwhelmed. Especially having another cat now. I love him but that’s extra expenses and the whole dynamic changed with him and Mustachio being together. Mustachio hates him.

She’s a sweetheart, the lady and she’s done a lot for me too. But I’m the type of person who feels guilty ever saying no to someone and that causes me to get overwhelmed and sign up for things that are hard for me to manage

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

Hey @Blue_Bird, I hope you got some good sleep last night. You know how in DBT they talk about vulnerabilities and lack of sleep (among so many other things) being one of those things that can make us more prone to these types of thoughts?

You're dealing with a lot right now. A lot of us need or have needed payees (or should have them) or even "do" but in a more unofficial light (like how some hand over their cards/money when they notice themselves getting more impulsive with money). A lot of us can't work. Bipolar/schizoaffective/PTSD/etc. are all legitimate reasons for being on disability which is why we're allowed to collect those benefits. It's hard to do these things.

You're doing the best you can with what you have. You've done an awesome job volunteering with the kitties, you know you're struggling and need a break, that is perfectly okay (and I'm pretty sure you said you even plan to go back once it cools off a bit too, so that's awesome!)

You have so much resilience, desire, and perseverance. I don't know if you see it right now, or really think about it that much, but I do and I know a lot of others on this board do too.

Thank you MuddyBoots! That means a lot to me!!

Yeah lack of sleep is a big vulnerability. Barely sleeping and not sleeping at all is a recipe for disaster

My psychiatrist was even like why didn’t you call me when things were starting to get bad with the overspending and whatnot. I just feel like I’m bothering people if I ask for help I guess

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I’m sorry it’s so tough for you BlueBird. You are not a failure. You’re a warm, compassionate person who has a big heart. Don’t listen to those negative thoughts. It’s obscuring your judgement.

Thank you CrazyHitch! That means a lot to me

[Nammu]

Blue bird it sounds like you have a very good pdoc. He sounds like he knows his job, what a find! I hope things stabilize quickly.

[Blue_Bird]

I’ll also be honest that I started doing that thing where I impulsively apply to jobs the other day. Like 20 of them. When I know damn well I can’t handle them. I somehow convince myself I can. I did this last spring too. Got 4 jobs and went through them quickly. Quitting each one cause I couldn’t handle the hours/schedules and how it was affecting my sleep. Plus I was vaping THC then and taking edibles. My psychiatrist is never gonna let me live that down. Today when I told him I needed a payee again and was severely overspending he jokingly asked if it was on weed or edibles. Cause last spring I randomly started smoking weed and I bought 80 edibles and 4 vape pens when manic.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Blue bird it sounds like you have a very good pdoc. He sounds like he knows his job, what a find! I hope things stabilize quickly.

Yeah he’s great! I’ve been seeing him for 2 years now I think. I’m gonna be sad when he retires someday. He’s older. Probably in his 60s. He’s originally from Poland. He’s very smart

[unaluna]

Blue bird - i used to say that 3 years was my limit on men, jobs, and apartments. My best friend in my 20s yelled at me because they had to buy a new address book (ie a physical bound paper notebook) because i had taken up all the pages under my last name letter with all moves. So i totally get impulse. But i had NO AWARENESS of it. It was just - oh, i believe this now! Nobody could tell me anything. I "blame" my mother. Nobody could tell her anything either. I NEVER won with her. She would literally switch sides in an argument just to win! So i never learned to listen.

[LadyShadow]

So I messed up again. I had a great night where he didn't call but I was actually okay with it. Then I left two sappy and weepy messages on his voicemail. My best friend said I have no self-control, that he was calling me every day and the one night he misses a call I get all dramatic. I feel like I can never be happy with things. I don't know why I wasn't just grateful that he was calling me, now I may have lost that. I feel like such a failure, and I don't feel it now, but I know I will do some major beating up on myself later.

@Blue_Bird - I am sorry you're having a hard time. I really hope these med changes help and you are able to sleep tonight - I know how overwhelming life can be sometimes.

I am going to do my best to put all this behind me and go out and see the new Pedro Pascal romantic comedy. It will get my mind off of things. I am praying he doesn't punish me for leaving sad messages. @unaluna - I know those videos WDNC - I think they are great, she goes through the lists of things women have to put up with, they are really good. It's one of the only things I really look at on Instagram.

[Mountaindewed]

I'm doing ok today. I'm a bit frustrated but I'm not sure why. I tried working out on my treadmill but I gave up after 3 minutes. I just don't have the patience to walk on it. Maybe I'll try again with music.

I dont have any plans today. That grandma in the Rexulti commercial looks evil lol.