psychosis?!

what does this mean anyway? how do i know if i am psychotic?
the definition of psychosis on this site is so vague!

i have some ideas that people think are delusional.... but i think they are true!
sometimes as im drifting off to sleep, a wire in my mind shorts and overlaps consciousness with a dream state.... and i hear things. but it scares me enough that i jump and snap out of it......
sometimes when i feel a sharp sudden pain or itch i can hear it.. like a buzz and i can feel the sudden trob inside my mind....almost like i have slowed down my awarness of the itch and i am able to experience it in slow motion.
sometimes i am so pissed i want to kill.
i eat super hot hot sauce cuz i firmly believe it will kill the infection in my brain that is causing mucous to cloud my thinking when i get depressed.
i know it sounds "delusional" to people but i also believe that i can think so deeply and i am so self aware that i experience more than other people... and average people simply cannot understand my high level of thinking.
i could list more but i am paranoid that you all dont like me anymore, and that youre ignoring me. and sometimes i worry that you dont even exist. ... like sometimes i fear that i will wake up and realize that i am not even in my house right now. i may be in an institution right now. and i am typing on a computer that isnt there, and im drooling and staring into space. i fear that may be true so sometimes i cry, and i pray that i will never wake up.

i just really want some honest opinions! i am in a low episode of this so-called "bipolar disorder" (which could be nothing more than a state of hypnosis i am in)
are there any clear definitions of psychosis? is this because of the "bipolar" disorder? and what is a delusion, if not simply a difference of opinion. ?

where are the answers????

Sorry sweetie, I can't help you with your question because I've never experienced those things and have no expertise or knowledge but just wanted to send you some hugs.

{{{{{{{{{{cottoncandylocks}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hope somebody can pop in soon and help you out. Take care of yourself.

Those sound like psychotic features to me. That doesn't mean you "are" psychotic. That kind of thinking seems to over empower these diagnostic terms. I get psychotic symptoms when things are at the ragged edge for me. Bi Polar paints with the full pallette of mental illness colors. But you knew that already. I'm sorry it's so hard right now.

I agree with sqrlb8 that the effects of bipolar disorder indeed cause a wide variety of challenges (mental illness colors ). The biggest challenge I've found with my children struggling with BP and other mental illnesses is that when they are experiencing psychotic episodes, they don't always recognize it within themselves. Sometimes they look at me in desperation pleading with me to "find" them and pull them out of wherever they are. We're working together to help them recognize it within themselves. I don't know if that's the answer, but that's what's working so far... helping them recognize within themselves and knowing they can reach outside themselves for help.

It is hard, and I am also sorry you're going through this... but you can do it. I feel very strongly that educating yourself about it and learning the actual chemical mechanisms that are going on can help individuals to realize that they are not their diagnoses. Just as someone with diabetes has problems regulating sugar in their blood, that does not define who they are as a person. Does that make sense?

You can do it, you can handle this. Only you can decide whether you want to stay inside yourself in confusion or reach out for the hands, hearts and/or technology that can help.

Take care~

5 days... still feeling psychotic. i have a nice cold blade of stainless steel to keep me company.
i cannot think.
i cannot comprehend my own feelings or needs.
waiting...
waiting for this to STOP!!!!!
stop stop stop. im done, i cant do it anymore. i just want the person who is controlling this ride inside me to turn it off.... but she is laughing her little sinister laugh
when i look in the mirror i can see it.
the part of me that thinks this is funny.
I'M NOT LAUGHING !!!!!!!

I have had very similiar experiences, and also feel my capabilities are way beyond those of others..for myself, there was a two year period when I would think a word in my head..an unusual word like '...staffer..' then someone near me would invariably and on a regular basis repeat the exact word I had said. One day I found myself saying people from W. Virginia would come to our house..and they did! There would be no reason I would think this..I would experience about seventeen to twenty coincidences a day..EXACT coincidences!! I kept this a secret for ten years but 2 years ago I finally told someone..they asked why did you check yourself in the first time I told them honestly what had happened. My T demanded I take my meds into partial each morning and take them in front of him..but it all really happened!! I do believe you may have capabilities different from others as I do..don't let it scare you, just try to lead as normal a life as you can.

yesterday was so bad, i didnt think i could even function right around people, it was a very hard day.
im not even sure if it was mania or depression, or both.... all i know is i hated it.
last night i had such a horrbly vivid dream. i was full of horror! i was missing an eye, and i looked at it in the mirror in my dream... it was so graphic, i thought it was real. theres no way to describe the terror i felt, but i was resigned to it. i accepted it as real because that is how hard my life has seemed lately.
my quiz results on here showed no depression.... but did show mania. only moderate though. i have been fully manic where i didnt even think anything was wrong. but this time i knew there was something wrong. i was toying with the idea of self inflicted death. even smiling about the plans i could think of. smiling about my pain, laughing while i cried.
i lost my mind! today i feel different. and i know why. it is a placebo effect. i found my depakote... i havent taken any yet, but holding the pill bottle in my hand, gives me reassurance, that at any moment, i can turn this off.

This is not something that I am familiar with. I don't really understand what it is but it sounds incredibly horrible. I noticed that you changed your avatar to suit your mood.

I just want to tell both of you to take care and send hugs your way. Talk about it as the need arises.

i dont have anyone to tell my thoughts to in real life.....so here i go....................

today is drastically different. iam able. not nearly as miserable. my need to make hasty, or rash decisions has withered.my brain feels literally numb.
like a part of it has shut down. like, it was growing... attempting to evolve or something, and the pain was so strong that the brain made a self protection effort and numbed it for me. closing the doors to the communication lines to the 4th dimension.
because my mind knows im unready for advanced levels of atypical cognitive functioning.
i fear my mind is deteriorating... something inside it growing... insanity would be a breath of fresh air, if only this were not real physical brain ROT and only a figment of my paranoid delusions.
i now realize that the hot sauce hypothesis was nothing more than a ploy by the ill part of my brain trying to get fed. it sneakely made me believe hot sauce would cure my illness, when all the while, i have been feeding it! causing it to grow.
and now numb, it is able to grow in silence, secretly, without detection. it is camoflauged. i have been tricked by my own mind.

I bet we all wish hot sauce worked. The only med I've ever had that stopped the bad stuff right away was olanzapine. Depakote isn't going to turn anything off immediately. It will take a couple weeks to begin to work, and many more to adjust to the right level. If you want to have a med escape route available from these scariest monsters, that makes complete sense to me. But then get one that works. Olanzapine is the only one I know that has an immediate effect on the kinds of things you are struggling with.

I wish I knew a miracle for you, but all any of us have are little pieces to an enourmous puzzle.

I hope you can try olanzapine, for me it has been utterly effective in shattering that desperate aspect of the doom cycle. Once I experiened that, it changed the whole fear structure I perceived my illness through. At least I know I can turn off that destroyer voice in a clinch. Just knowing that cut the balls off the thing in some ways, made it a weaker, less undermining threat. My background is more clear because of it. I hope you can try some.

I'm glad you keep posting, and my heart breaks for the pain you're in. Keep on.

oh my god! what is my problem?
i took the depakote today, cuz i feel better.
sort of...
i dont even know if i was up or down!
but i am gonna write down the name of that med sqrl... and one day when i get the guts to see a doctor again... i will ask for it.
i dont want to go through this anymore.
... starting to feel like i am realy messed up.
the delusions and paranoia, are what really throw me off.
i remember the doctor who labeled me bipolar and prescribed depakote... asked me if i ever get paranoid... i said no. and he said, "ok, good".
now that is haunting me. why did he ask that and what could paranoid delusions indicate?
am i going through the prodromal phase of schizophremia? is that what they will think if i tell them i am delusional and paranoid during mixed episodes?

Paranoid delusions indicate paranoid delusions is how I look at it. "Good" in that context probably meant nothing more than, "at least that is one less of the host of symptoms that can occur." So it occurs? So could any number of others whenever there is enough stress on the system. Once you see them, then at least you've seen them. Symptoms i mean.

I hope you're able to get some olanzapine and that it helps you bail out when the plane is on fire next time.

Take it easy if you can while you feel better. If you go and run your self real hard when you are up, it creates a backlash on the down side. If you can stay cool thru the up cycle, you improve your chances in the down cycle. For myself, besides the olanzapine experience, this is the only "dramatic" difference anything has made. I know we're all different, but sometimes we try the same thing over and over. Maybe skip the carnival this time, and keep a quieter inside?

I throw these things out there, and I hope there is meaning in it, but I know how it is too. Keep on.

sqrl, tell me about olanzapine? Is that the generic name, what is the brand name? What type of med is this and am I understanding you to say that you can avoid the whole doom and gloom by taking it?

cottoncandy - I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Why do you have a fear of going to a doctor, I'm not famiiar with your story. Please take care. Hugs sweetie.

i guess this is just part of the "bipolar"... to fall into suicidal depression after a severe manic or whatever the hell that episode was.
just waiting for this to pass.
it is hell.
i wish i had a rescue med for this.
i had the phone in my hand last night.... almost called 911.
i will call it if i have to.
just dont want to have to.
but this is all so horribly hard. and it boggles my mind cuz it is just a feeling. there is no logic to this.
everyone at work today can tell im depressed.
they said they feel bad that im roughing it.
im sorry i effect so many people this way... i just dont want to suffer anymore, cuz i am running out of energy and motivation to endure this any longer.
i know that last night i was almost done with all of this.
it seemed like the only way.
i just try to remind myself that there are reasons to stay that exceed the importance of my own desperation.

Olanzapine also called or generic for Zyprexa, is classed as an anti psychotic drug which is widely used to also treat bipolar. It clears up thinking rather dramatically, and best of all within the hour. For myself, it means breaking the cycle pre crescendo, as it were. I still cycle and all that, but when the pit of hell is yawning and all the "features" are in bloom, I can bring that tension to a screeching halt. And I can do that without having to stay on it. If you stay on it, there are some weight gain symptoms and such, just like any of them. I choose to deal with most of what happens pretty philosophically and live simply enough to be able to, but when it's bad, that's what I know to do. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but it's such a dramatic experience for me, I can get pretty exuberant in recommending it. There is a very good link to information on it at the top of this page. Click on meds, find olanzapine in the list and click on it. It was so good for me i was surprised it took years to find it.

and olanzapine will work for suididal crisis?

i need to be in a hospital.....
will somebody please call 911 for me?

(i tried to delete the 911 post but i was too late)

its really hard to make myself get help.
but eventually i will.

Usually, when I think I need to be in a hospital, I'm right. I'm guessing that's probably true for most people. Are you able to do that for yourself?

only 5 more days.....
i think i can hang on......

welcome to the troubled turmoil of jen's twisted mind.
i hate evrything.
i want to kill someone. anyone.
last night i stopped my car in front of some (since i cant call him the explitive) black guy who was walking accross a driveway...
i intended to get out and strangle him to death, but i talked some **** instead.
i just feel so much rage....
my body size and strength can not support my need to physically injure someone with my bare hands.
i even had dreams where i strangled an old lady and hurt peple by squeezing their necks so tight they couldnt speak or breathe....
lol
i feel so freakin sinister! so pissed with a little smirk on my face just typing it.
am i still depressed? hell ya i am. but just very sui...and homo... cidal.
how long can this rage be contained??????

i had 15 pills in this bottle last night....
now there are only 2.
i dont remember taking 13 pills.....

try this site for a better explanation? www.aacap.org/about/glossary/Psychos.htm

Please don't take chances... you need to secure ways of keeping yourself safe today... waiting to see a T isn't going to change everything overnight when you do see him... and if you are out of control, he might become very scared for your well being... Can you write yourself reminder notes to stay safe? Can you keep track of when you do take meds, can you find some way to remind yourself not to over react to others when you are driving??? Please try CCL.. be safer!

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Olanzapine also called or generic for Zyprexa, is classed as an anti psychotic drug which is widely used to also treat bipolar. It clears up thinking rather dramatically, and best of all within the hour. For myself, it means breaking the cycle pre crescendo, as it were. I still cycle and all that, but when the pit of hell is yawning and all the "features" are in bloom, I can bring that tension to a screeching halt. And I can do that without having to stay on it. If you stay on it, there are some weight gain symptoms and such, just like any of them. I choose to deal with most of what happens pretty philosophically and live simply enough to be able to, but when it's bad, that's what I know to do. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but it's such a dramatic experience for me, I can get pretty exuberant in recommending it. There is a very good link to information on it at the top of this page. Click on meds, find olanzapine in the list and click on it. It was so good for me i was surprised it took years to find it.

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I'm familiar with the name of it and the weight gain issue. When my pharamacist saw me coming in with rx's with continual changes in meds and nothing changing, I think she felt sorry for me. She sat me down and talked with me and told me about this one and that I should try it. She thought it would really help me. Not sure why my pdoc hasn't suggested it but I definitely don't want the weight gain and that scares me off. You are the only person that I've heard that takes it as required and feel almost immediate benefit. I'm assuming that your pdoc knows that you're doing this. Is this a fairly common alternative, to take it just as needed? Also, do you take it for the lows, highs or both?

Post deleted by cottoncandylocks