[Amigdala]

I need to vent some anger but I don't know how to do it. I wanna cut myself, it's a thought which has been standing in my mind for days now. But I don't do it. I don't know why, perhaps because I haven't been doing it for several years. I read the list of things to do instead of SI, there are a lot of ideas to vent, and I know that if I'm busy I'm well, with my mind and my body, if I'm not sitting and if I do something active I feel better, but the issue is that I don't know what to do because I expatriated recently and here where I am there's nothing for me. I moved to a small country from a big metropolis, my mind and my body can't adapt. I'm always sick and angry and nervous and... I don't know what else.
I live in a nice flat but I hate it because I'm always in, I don't have a job because I'm learning the languages I need to work here, but in my life I've never been without anything to do, I've always done interesting things, always! And now I'm here, in this bloody country where I can't do what I wish to do.
I'm always alone. I've just married, my husband is wonderful and really patient but he works a lot and I don't have friends here because I moved a few months ago. My husband is worried, I was fine before moving, and now I'm sad and angry and stressed. I don't smile anymore, furthermore my body is rebelling and I'm often sick. I'm addicted to sleeping pills. Sometimes I have outbursts of anger, sometimes I'm totally off, sometimes I cry, but that's only what he sees. He doesn't know that I wish to cut myself, that I'm so attracted by knives, that I wanna hurt me not to think to all the other stuff. I wanna destroyed things, too.
I feel guilty towards my husband and also my dog. If I don't cut myself when I wish to, maybe it's thanks to my dog. I look at her and I stop. Or... I think of her which is in the other room and I stop. It's a bit strange but it's true.
Now it's 4 p.m. and I don't know what to do. The home is a disaster but I don't mind. The sky is grey. I loathe this city, I loathe this life, but I don't know why.
Really sorry for my English...

i hear you ((()))

i just read a thing cos im struggling with some strong emotions today and it told me to accept the emotion and ride it out like a wave, knowing that it will pass.it also talked about breathing excersises and distraction techniques

its so hard trying to ride out these emotions isnt it :-(

(((hugs)))

[Girl_Interrupted]

Trigger warning please!

[Amigdala]

Sorry, Girl, for this. I know, law does not admit ignorance, but I didn't read the rules all the same... I'll pay more attention in the future.

Frogslegs, thank you for your answer. What you say is true, bad emotions will pass (this is what happend to me yesterday) and we have to distract meanwhile, even if it's very hard. Really sorry to hear you to be in trouble. Big hug.

[Forgive77]

Change can do that to anyone...esp being in a country you don't know the language. Your English is great. I'm glad you have the dog, and a very good husband. I have been in a similar situation the past 3 years. I'm home now which helped, but my husband woks a lot, and I'm often alone. He has back problems and is always lashing out. They have cut down his meds so that makes it worse. I can't wait until this job is over for him, and myself. In a couple of weeks I'm going to go out patient at a center for my drinking and the fact that I'm out of control with it. I've numbed myself with his job and having five kids just so I can deal with them. There are things I used to think about doing to myself, that I don't do anymore as much. And it's hard when your husband is the only thing you have, and he's gone all the time. I'm glad you found here...It'll help you. Myabe you can get some books in your language....write or call home. If you're new to this disorder....you could read the book, "Get me out of hete!" It's a pretty good book so far. Hugs to you and I hope things get better. What country are you living in now, and where did you come from?

[Amigdala]

I'm living in Luxembourg and I come from Italy. My English isn't so bad when I write but I struggle to understand when the others speak and it's a huge wall not allowing me to communicate and to be myself. In these months I never have been joking with an unknown person, never exchange a word different than those necessary. I've known some people but we're not really friends. One of them is leaving. Another one is always busy even if she says that she's desperate because she doesn't have anything to do. And the others are people I go out with only because I have noone, they're people I wouldn't have get a relationship with. This isn't my life.
I don't wanna live only for my husband. As you say, Forgive77, it's hard when you're husband is the only thing you have, esp if he's gone all the time. Having no other is unacceptable. I hate living in this way, this isn't me.
I don't thing all this is in connection with BPD, anyway I'm not new to this kind of problems. I was diagnosed with BPD about ten years ago and I've been better over time with the right meds and the right therapist but I'm maladjusted so I'm not able to adjust to this situation.
I'd have dinner with my husband's parents tonight (they live here, as well), they must introduce us to one of their friends. He's a traveller and we still have to go on honeymoon so he could help us to choise a destination but I don't wanna meet him. I don't wanna meet anyone, I'm not in the right mood, I'm not an interesting person, I have nothing to say, I doesn't exist, so how can I speak with the others? I'm too nervous and angry, I can't be polite and over all... who cares of the journey when lives **** for the rest of the year?
Send a message to my husband. Full of anger. Saying that for above-mentioned thoughts I'll tell her mother I'll not join them because of the fever (obviously I haven't). I said "go alone and see you on monday" because he's working the whole weekend. Yes, I'll be alone the whole bloody weekend.
I don't wanna hear them saying how is beautiful living here, asking if I like living here, listening about their perfect life, full of satisfactions, full of money, full of everything. I can't hear them anymore. I could really blow up this time.
My husband's parents... they always speak of them, their life, their things, they are so satisfied, so busy, so perfect, so happy their son's coming back, so happy their other son's giving them a grandson, they think I'm better here than in Italy, my mother-in-law (oh, I hate this expression!) tries to involve me in stupid things not interesting to me, she's pissed me off! She doesn't understand... they don't understand that my life here sucks! I could tell them tonight and for this reason I don't wanna go.
Anyway, thanks for suggesting that book, Forgive77. I read a lot and maybe I'll buy it.

[Forgive77]

Trust me...you could read it in English. LOL You use words I don't use. You even have the slang and swear words down. It's so funny. I hope you feel better. I would love to go to Italy. I was supposed to go to Rome, but I became pregnant with my triplets, so I couldn't fly. I tell my husband all the time he owes me a trip to Rome. The book might give you some insight...but having had the disorder for 10 years and working on it...it might just be for your amusement. Whatever...it will pass time no? I guess if I were you with no kids...I would find things to do that I could do alone. Set up a routine. Get up. Go get coffee. Exercise. Take shower. Read. Do Laundry. Call, e-mail, or skype home and friends. You'd be surprized how much time this all takes. All my children will be in school next year...I will have to think of some myself. These are what I have thought up. If his mom triggers you...don't go. Let them have him all to themselves. You'll only want to vomit at the sound of her voice, and her ewing and awing over him. My mother in law triggers me as well...so does my sister in law. They are very selfish people. My mother in law is a typical new yourk mother. Brooklyn accent and all. There used to be days just the sound of her voice would set me off. I'm on lots of meds, had therpy..about to start intence therapy for my two year alcohol problem. Tonight will be three days of not drinking for me. Stay on here...it might help.

[Amigdala]

Thanks for this, you ripped me a smile!
Triplets?! OMG!
I come just from Rome, you must go asap, you'll love it!
I tried to do what you say, i.e. a daily schedule full of stuff to do and it's true, when I followed it I had no time to do all those things but the point is that I'm not able to follow my schedules for more than two or three consecutive days because there's always something stopping me. A negative thought or a physical disorder (maybe psychosomatic, maybe not). I'd have many things to do at home which is imploding and I thing I don't because I don't wanna feel like an housewife, although two things aren't necessarily linked. I don't clean, I don't cook, I do only what's enough not to die. There used to be days I suddenly wake up and transform the flat in a livable and nicely place, but it's very infrequent. Usually I'm terrible. I wonder why he stay with me.
I feel so sorry for your alcohol problem but I'm proud you're about to start an intence therapy and I'm happy for your almost three days of not drinking. Well done! Go on like this!

[Forgive77]

I think we were separated at birth....I hate being a house wife. Hate it. My husband is in the oil field so his work doesn't allow time for me to have a career or go to school. I was in nursing school two years ago, but had to stop going due to a melt down. Five kids, going to school, he's never home..then has a back surgery...was a little too much with my mother in law mixed in. I have managed figuring out how to not cook for the past two weeks. Cleaning people's rooms and doing laundry is like slavery to me. I would offend many of my besties, and my own sister saying this out loud...(so keep it to yourself all....if you don't agree..because I really don't care if you don't)...anyway...to me it's what you do if you can't do anything. And since my husbands work forces me into this situation...I rebel so much about everything. I hate what I do everyday....I feel useless. Next year I will have nothing to do. I suppose I could do what many oil field wives do and work out, play tennis, and have reconstructive surgery....it would be good for almost six weeks, and then I'd want to use my brain again. I wonder why my husband stays with me...I used to think he was crazy, and what was wrong with him??? LOL I will get through the alcohol...it's the smoking I'm worried about. (((((((((Amigdala)))))))

[Amigdala]

I hate staying at home waiting for him! Finally I've decided to go to his parents' and now I'm waiting for him to come back from work and take me, but he seems vanished! ****! Oh, he just sent me a text... he's leaving now... I'm angry. Obviously.
Actually, Forgive77, I've a master's degree but it seems not to be any position for me here. I should speak French, in some cases Luxembourgish (impossible!), so I studied years with the best results for what? Staying at home waiting for a man. Absurd!
I was thinking... maybe you could try to begin again the nursing school next here so you'll be busy when your children will not at home. I think you could. It's never too late to study. I matriculated at University when I was almost 26. And it was one of the best choise I did in my life, even if... I'm not doing anything with!

[Amigdala]

First of all, tanks to the admins for adding icon trigger.

Second, what d'you smoke, Forgive77? Cigarettes or something else?

Third, yesterday everything went wrong. The man invited to dinner had brought wife and daughter which spoke only English, that was good for me 'cause I had the opportunity to improve my English, but I said almost nothing during the entire dinner because I was jittery. At a certain point the big question arrived...
The man: "So... you've been here a short time... what about your first impression?"
Me: "Really bad."
My father in law: "No, it's not true, what you're saying isn't true!"
Me: "Yes, sorry, my first impression was pretty good, the second one was really bad."
Frost in the air.
Then they started to talk about work. How much times my husband works, how much time the other girl works, how many people would be happy to work 4 or 5 hours and on the contrary don't have a job while other people like my husband and the other girl work 10 hours, so not to exploding I suddenly went up from the chair, rushed to the toilet and started to cry, trying not to spoil my make-up.
Then I came back. I ate nothing. Just two pieces of bread.
After the guests have gone, we stayed there for a while, until my mother in law told me: "You should use a scented spray before washing his T-shirts", and me: "Why d'you say it to me? You can say it to him, too!" And her: "You stay at home...!" And me "So what?! I'm not his slave! He can wash his own clothes!", my heart was pounding but she's been a real lady because she's pretended I hadn't say anything and continued to speak calmly.
To come back home, my husband and me drove for 27 km. All the time without saying a word. The same thing at home. He went to bed and fell asleep. If there's something I hate is that he falls asleep before me. I took half sleeping pills, read, cried, wanted to run away, wanted to go out in the darkness and run away, wanted to break something, but what I did was intaking another half pill and finally falling asleep.
This morning I had a big headache. My husband woke up at 8 to go to work and I pretended to sleep. I didn't want to speak with him. He gave me a kiss before going. During the night he had hugged me, too. But when I got up from bed I sent him a really rude text and he answered that he doesn't know anymore what to do with me because everything he does he's wrong. He says "I'm sorry". I'm bad and he says "I'm sorry".
And I feel angry and lost and lonely more and more and more. And I'm sure that everything will go wrong and my husband will leave me.

[Forgive77]

I only smoke cigarettes. Sorry you had such a hard time. Maybe you and your husband can go to marriage counciling. How much does he know about BPD? Has he ever gone to any of your appointments? That might be the only thing that helps.

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by Amigdala

I need to vent some anger but I don't know how to do it. I wanna cut myself, it's a thought which has been standing in my mind for days now. But I don't do it. I don't know why, perhaps because I haven't been doing it for several years. I read the list of things to do instead of SI, there are a lot of ideas to vent, and I know that if I'm busy I'm well, with my mind and my body, if I'm not sitting and if I do something active I feel better, but the issue is that I don't know what to do because I expatriated recently and here where I am there's nothing for me. I moved to a small country from a big metropolis, my mind and my body can't adapt. I'm always sick and angry and nervous and... I don't know what else.
I live in a nice flat but I hate it because I'm always in, I don't have a job because I'm learning the languages I need to work here, but in my life I've never been without anything to do, I've always done interesting things, always! And now I'm here, in this bloody country where I can't do what I wish to do.
I'm always alone. I've just married, my husband is wonderful and really patient but he works a lot and I don't have friends here because I moved a few months ago. My husband is worried, I was fine before moving, and now I'm sad and angry and stressed. I don't smile anymore, furthermore my body is rebelling and I'm often sick. I'm addicted to sleeping pills. Sometimes I have outbursts of anger, sometimes I'm totally off, sometimes I cry, but that's only what he sees. He doesn't know that I wish to cut myself, that I'm so attracted by knives, that I wanna hurt me not to think to all the other stuff. I wanna destroyed things, too.
I feel guilty towards my husband and also my dog. If I don't cut myself when I wish to, maybe it's thanks to my dog. I look at her and I stop. Or... I think of her which is in the other room and I stop. It's a bit strange but it's true.
Now it's 4 p.m. and I don't know what to do. The home is a disaster but I don't mind. The sky is grey. I loathe this city, I loathe this life, but I don't know why.
Really sorry for my English...

I am really sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I am in A LOT of pain too. I have so many of the same feelings as you. The only thing that helps me is my puppy. I do not have any answers. I am holding on by a thread, just trying to get by one day at a time until things somehow get better. I would exercise if I could, but I have a health problem right now, where i am allergic to the sun and getting too exposed to heat...driving me insane, have to stay indoors all summer..so far...sigh...I will follow your posts. I am new here, started today, hang in there. Chains.

[Amigdala]

Hi FacingChains, I'm so sorry to hear you are in pain too and allergic to the sun, it's terrible, I feel so guilty because I could go out and I don't whereas there are people which would go out but can't for several problems. I hate me for this.
I ever alternate moments where I think I'm totally wrong and irrecoverable and moments where I'm hopefull and I'm sure I'll manage to do everything I want. I loathe pity me, I loathe crying, I loathe me for this all, I want to react and do all I want. The question is... what do I want? I'm so stupid. I feel broke. I'm an unsuccessful living. I'm disappointing everybody.
In order to answer to Forgive77, my husband knows almost nothing about BDP, he went to only one of my appointments in the past. But tonight I send him a text saying some things and mentioning BPD and he's felt down from the clouds. He's always thought I was healed and, for this reason, he's never interested in BPD, but it was my fault because I've never mentioned my disease over the years 'cause I hate talking about it, I feel guilty and ashamed when I say I'm BPD, so I've almost never speak with him about BPD. This is a stuff that bother me, I don't know why. I never know why. When I went to school, my friends called me "Miss I Don't Know" because I said no other. Oh, my friends, they're so far, I miss them. But at the same time I don't want to meet them 'cause I'm ashamed for my condition, my lack of role in the world. I wish to meet my friend but my shame is bigger and therefore I don't know what I'll do when I'll come back to Italy next time. Oh, sorry, I'm so confused. Anyway, I told my husband there are target theraupetic treatments and now I hope we'll try one of these before I change my mind. But there's another problem here: how can I communicate with the T? By gestures? And... where may I find a T specialaized in BPD and overall a T to trust? Anyway he said that now he knows and can act accordingly for our happyness.
Ok, but I hate talking of BPD to him, to my family, to his family, to doctors and terapists, to friends. I only can to unknown people. It's difficult, it'll be tough, I don't know why (clair) o maybe I do, but now I'm too tired to explain what I mean. Pheraps tomorrow.
Give u, Forgive77 and FacingChains a big big hug.

[Amigdala]

The only person I'm well here with is leaving forever. ****!
Today, during the English lesson, I cried after an exercise where we had to tell something about us. The things I said triggered me in a way I don't understand. I made an asshole of myself! I don't understand my behaviours anymore. Maybe never did it.

[Amigdala]

I've done it. I've closed my dog out of the kitchen, then sat down and cut. I felt better immediately after and immediately after feeling better I had a dizzy. Sorry for all these triggering messages but I don't know who to speak with. I'll say nothing to my husband because he'd be too much in pain if he knew this...

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by Amigdala

I've done it. I've closed my dog out of the kitchen, then sat down and cut. I felt better immediately after and immediately after feeling better I had a dizzy. Sorry for all these triggering messages but I don't know who to speak with. I'll say nothing to my husband because he'd be too much in pain if he knew this...

Dear Amigdala,

I know here in the US all major medical facilities have translators. Here are some ideas. I do not know if they are good for you or not. You could call a hospital and ask for help. Tell them you need a translator. You are in survival mode right now and you need a doctor I think, right away. I know it is a huge step, but with your only friend? leaving/left/gone.....this is too much for one person to bear. I know I could not. If you called a hospital you could describe that you want to talk to someone in your language and you are in crisis, or ask for a phone number to talk to a crisis worker or you could call your home country and talk to someone there who works in mental health. You can make a long distance call right? Talk to a mental health professional anonymously in Italy....someone there will helpyou...) (I think I read Italy is your home...). Hang in there. Facing Chains

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by Amigdala

First of all, tanks to the admins for adding icon trigger.

Second, what d'you smoke, Forgive77? Cigarettes or something else?

Third, yesterday everything went wrong. The man invited to dinner had brought wife and daughter which spoke only English, that was good for me 'cause I had the opportunity to improve my English, but I said almost nothing during the entire dinner because I was jittery. At a certain point the big question arrived...
The man: "So... you've been here a short time... what about your first impression?"
Me: "Really bad."
My father in law: "No, it's not true, what you're saying isn't true!"
Me: "Yes, sorry, my first impression was pretty good, the second one was really bad."
Frost in the air.
Then they started to talk about work. How much times my husband works, how much time the other girl works, how many people would be happy to work 4 or 5 hours and on the contrary don't have a job while other people like my husband and the other girl work 10 hours, so not to exploding I suddenly went up from the chair, rushed to the toilet and started to cry, trying not to spoil my make-up.
Then I came back. I ate nothing. Just two pieces of bread.
After the guests have gone, we stayed there for a while, until my mother in law told me: "You should use a scented spray before washing his T-shirts", and me: "Why d'you say it to me? You can say it to him, too!" And her: "You stay at home...!" And me "So what?! I'm not his slave! He can wash his own clothes!", my heart was pounding but she's been a real lady because she's pretended I hadn't say anything and continued to speak calmly.
To come back home, my husband and me drove for 27 km. All the time without saying a word. The same thing at home. He went to bed and fell asleep. If there's something I hate is that he falls asleep before me. I took half sleeping pills, read, cried, wanted to run away, wanted to go out in the darkness and run away, wanted to break something, but what I did was intaking another half pill and finally falling asleep.
This morning I had a big headache. My husband woke up at 8 to go to work and I pretended to sleep. I didn't want to speak with him. He gave me a kiss before going. During the night he had hugged me, too. But when I got up from bed I sent him a really rude text and he answered that he doesn't know anymore what to do with me because everything he does he's wrong. He says "I'm sorry". I'm bad and he says "I'm sorry".
And I feel angry and lost and lonely more and more and more. And I'm sure that everything will go wrong and my husband will leave me.

I have the almost the same kind of days. I feel insane. Stay strong. When you are like that try to breathe and let it pass. It is all in our heads. If I have learned anything, it is the other person never see's it in the extreme way we do. We get ourselves so upset. Do you know DBT? Facing Chains.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I still have days when I hurt myself. Have not in a whlle, but when triggered too much or too many times, I know I might still do it.

I hope you are alive and safe right now.

it's hard to deal with this, I know.

Hard too, to ask for help.

Billi

[Amigdala]

Sorry for having disappeared. I'm fine. My mood changes every five minutes but I'm fine. Thanks for your support and your advices, it's important for me to know that I'm never alone.
Finally I've had to tell my husband what I did because he did questions I wasn't able to answer to, like "What are you going to do?", "What is supposed to make you feel better?", "What d'you like to do?", and told me that my sadness and my fears and my uncertainties were normally maybe, so at first I told him that I'm obsessed from knives and then, when he said that this is usual for me I cried: "I've cut myself, this is normal, too?!". So... he said: "Oh... no, this isn't normal... this is... madness...".
But at this time I feel better, even if I'm obsessed all the same. I read something about DBT, it sounds good, actually looks just like the thing I need now. My husband's agree, too. The question is... where can I find here an Italian T which does that kind of therapy? It's like... winning the lottery! It's hard but I think I'll begin to search. My husband said he'll talk to a friend of his which has worked for several years in psychiatric institutions. Pheraps he could help us. Actually, I don't believe that my husband will do that. He's weird. He's confused, I think. He doesn't know how to behave. Maybe he refuses this all...

[Amigdala]

I hate my Italian classmate. She's a stupid fat cow (nothing against cows, I love them).
My five minutes of well-being are over.

[Amigdala]

At this time, my life's a big mess. I'm lying on the sofa watching a romantic movie under sleeping pills effect. The music in the movie is sweet and emotional "To do without you, I don't know where I will go, what I will invent...". It seems made for my husband. My husband, which is on the bed sleeping without me although he knows I'm not well at all, but he has to wake up at 5 o'clock tomorrow because he's a project manager while I am nothing and I expect just a day equal to the day before, but at this time I'll stay alone from now to Saturday morning because he'll have to work 24h non-stop. Me, at home. Tried to invite some "friends" but they can't, so I'll be lonely as always. No problem. I'm used to. But NOW when he's here at home and spend the last hours sleeping alone instead of staying with me... I... I dont' understand it. I don't accept. Because I said I wouldn't like to open my eyes tomorrow morning and he remained impassible. And so, I feel alone more and more. Drunk a glass of red wine. Maybe I'll intake another pill to forget this all asap. Obviously, I'd like to cut myself but I don't want to get up to go to the kitchen.
I loathe married or engaged men that bestows comments to other women as they didn't have seen a woman before or as they don't have been ****ing for months. They're stupid and anbereable. My husband shouldn't behave like this but tomorrow he'll stay in a crawd place for 24 hours and I can't know what he'll do and with.
I'm really angry and really tired. I'm angry because I'm not able to live. I could do it but I can't and I don't know why, but I loathe me for this. Because life is only one and I'm throwing it in the toilet and this beavhiour is unforgivable. Hate myself, hate myself, hate myself!!!

[Amigdala]

Sorry for yesterday night... It's so... embarrassing... I'm ashamed of what I've written... This morning I didn't remember what I had written in the night... and reading back my message I found out that I've drunk some wine. That's why there was a glass next to the sofa. Really didn't remember...
I feel so silly. I've done something too much dangerous yesterday night. I've cut myself under sleeping pill and wine influence. I'm not in me when I take those pills and stay awake. Never self-harmed in that condition before. I'm afraid of me.

[OctobersBlackRose]

So I just got off the phone with my mom, told her that I might have a split personality, (her name is October Sunshine) and my mom was like "you're not crazy STOP acting"; I told her Im not acting and she said "so what now you have a split personality" and I said yeah maybe, then she went on to say "Enough is enough, everytime I talk to you it's something new". Really, you barely call me, I live not even a mile from your parents (my grandparents), you never want to hear my issues think im acting, but yet you are always willing to seek my sympathy and lay all your problems on me, you tell me how much worse off you are, how you're never feeling well, and best of all you tell me I should seek help, but when I get a word in edge wise you tell me you don't want to hear it and that Im fighting with you. Well I wonder why I fight with you, if you don't want to hear my **** then I get pissed so you can live in your little narcassistic world be friends with my younger middle sister and push my youngest sister and I aside, and not care about the red flags Im sorry then go ahead and think that, I don't even care

[OctobersBlackRose]

I know it's a double post, but I just found out a friend rom highschool just commited suicide, the whole thing is all over my fb news feed, and we think he might have hung himself. Its so sad he seemed so happy and now he is the 5th person in a 2yr span from my highschool including 2 teachers to die from various reasons, it is so hard to see this happen in my community, I don't even know how to feel right now, didn't know him very well, yet I could cry right now