[BuckNut1]

I've been married three times.

I'm 45 years old. My last divorce was two months ago, and I'm engaged again.

I can't stop thinking that maybe this is a mistake. I want to stop thinking about my x wife and move on, but another part of me thinks that I will just repeat the same mistakes with this new one as I did the last. But I keep moving forward, pushing the feelings away and forging ahead.

To me they are replaceable. I know that sounds horrible.

But if I don't stop, I may continue to do this for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I can stop this crazy train I'm on.

[Gingersnapsmom]

I am thinking that if you feel maybe you are making a mistake...you probably are. I was only married once and that was enough for me. Maybe you just need to slow things down? Pushing feelings away....well...when I do that it always comes back to bite me in the a!!

[hawaii04]

I agree it would probably not be a favorable thing for you right now. I have also been married at least twice, not proud of the fact that I couldn't stay content. Now I live divorced in a 2 year relationship and I'm again not really happy. . .mostly due to symptoms of BPD and I have only recently been diagnosed. So here I am, if I had only known about the BPD earlier I probably would've stayed single and worked on ME first. It is so pertinent to learn to manage the BPD in order to have a more successful relationship. I certainly know how you feel and the rush behind it, the hurry to find someone new; but honestly, answer this question to yourself, is it worth it? When as you even say 'if you don't stop you will do this the rest of your life' and that is pretty much true. If nothing else, ask yourself, wouldn't you like a better quality relationship and doesn't your partner deserve it also? I believe the quicker you commit knowing the effects BPD has, the quicker it may fail. And if one hasn't been in a relatioinship for a very good length of time first ~ how does one know how their partner is going to react, deal with, encourage, support, etc. There is never any guarantee, but let's face it BPD can add a good deal of stress to a partnership of any kind. In parting from this book (lol) my boyfriend has talked of marriage several times even though I feel I'm a mess. Though I would like to be married again one day, right now I cannot commit that deeply to someone with these struggles of mine. I truly feel like it would be giving him the worst of me when what I really wish to do is give him the best of me. . . I never really thought about a relationship as replaceable, but in essence that's the way I lived for a long time and people get hurt. Ya know we're all different in spite of our similarities though. Dig deep and do what you truly believe is right for you and your partner. Sounds so much like me . . . I felt compelled to ramble.

[IndieVisible]

Just for the record, 8 marriages is the US record and only a hand full of celebrities have reached that, the race continues in Hollywood

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Just for the record, 8 marriages is the US record and only a hand full of celebrities have reached that, the race continues in Hollywood

Lol!!!!!

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

I've been married three times.

I'm 45 years old. My last divorce was two months ago, and I'm engaged again.

I can't stop thinking that maybe this is a mistake. I want to stop thinking about my x wife and move on, but another part of me thinks that I will just repeat the same mistakes with this new one as I did the last. But I keep moving forward, pushing the feelings away and forging ahead.

To me they are replaceable. I know that sounds horrible.

But if I don't stop, I may continue to do this for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I can stop this crazy train I'm on.

Sounds like an idealization and devaluation cycle to me. and like you are getting into new relationships without giving yourself time to recover and rebound.

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

I've been married three times.

I'm 45 years old. My last divorce was two months ago, and I'm engaged again.

I can't stop thinking that maybe this is a mistake. I want to stop thinking about my x wife and move on, but another part of me thinks that I will just repeat the same mistakes with this new one as I did the last. But I keep moving forward, pushing the feelings away and forging ahead.

To me they are replaceable. I know that sounds horrible.

But if I don't stop, I may continue to do this for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I can stop this crazy train I'm on.

I only have a couple of things to say related to your post. One, you should probably not get into this marriage thing again, for a couple reasons. First, you're obviously on the rebound. Second, if you're questioning whether it's a good idea, it probably isn't. In fact the instant you're not sure you should be doing something potentially as life changing as another marriage, you should stop and at the very least, postpone it. There's something to be said for long engagements in this case.

The other thing is, "To me they are replaceable". Is that horrible? I can't judge you on that but, I will say until the one that isn't so replaceable is in front of you, you should not be marrying her. That to me, says you don't understand the implications of marriage at all. Harsh? yes but am I really wrong? If one marries someone with the vows "til death" and "in sickness and health" but in their mind sees the bride as "replaceable" it's a contradiction in terms, if you ask me.

Wait. Enjoy your time with her, postpone the wedding, and court her for awhile. Once you're close enough that you KNOW without a doubt you'd stay with her for good and strive to keep it that way, that's when you should decide to marry her.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

The other thing is, "To me they are replaceable". Is that horrible? I can't judge you on that but, I will say until the one that isn't so replaceable is in front of you, you should not be marrying her. That to me, says you don't understand the implications of marriage at all. Harsh? yes but am I really wrong? If one marries someone with the vows "til death" and "in sickness and health" but in their mind sees the bride as "replaceable" it's a contradiction in terms, if you ask me.

I agree with the other posts. It is too soon to be getting married again and you are having doubts which is a red flag.

I have to agree with s4ndm4n, personally I was bothered when I read that you think women are replaceable in marriage.

I love my husband very much but if I could do things over again I would not have had the wedding until I fixed me. It is so much easier to deal with therapy etc when you are not trying to coordinate 3 schedules. I also would not have had my son when I did, I would have waited until I was functioning better.

[BuckNut1]

Thank you for your responses.

I can turn my "love" off like a light switch. I don't know why, but once a woman does something, anything to make me angry I no longer love her. My ex wife used to say that I had no empathy for her. And perhaps I did not, for I felt she also had no empathy for me. When I heard her crying about how I had hurt her, it did not touch me once the "light switch" had been turned off. I hope this makes sense... to someone.

I went from being absolutely in love with her to hating her.

My fiancee does not make me angry at all.. I have not felt the niggling doubts that I had about my ex wife. My ex wife would stand up to me, would tell me I was wrong, would make me so very angry.

I keep thinking that the fact I can't forget my ex wife is because she made me so angry. Now I'm wondering if it isn't something else, and I'm using my fiancee to replace her.

I'm very confused, I did not expect to be at this place in my life at this age.

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

Thank you for your responses.

I can turn my "love" off like a light switch. I don't know why, but once a woman does something, anything to make me angry I no longer love her. My ex wife used to say that I had no empathy for her. And perhaps I did not, for I felt she also had no empathy for me. When I heard her crying about how I had hurt her, it did not touch me once the "light switch" had been turned off. I hope this makes sense... to someone.

I went from being absolutely in love with her to hating her.

My fiancee does not make me angry at all.. I have not felt the niggling doubts that I had about my ex wife. My ex wife would stand up to me, would tell me I was wrong, would make me so very angry.

I keep thinking that the fact I can't forget my ex wife is because she made me so angry. Now I'm wondering if it isn't something else, and I'm using my fiancee to replace her.

I'm very confused, I did not expect to be at this place in my life at this age.

"Love" is something that means a lot more than an emotion or feeling toward someone. Love encompasses far more than anything you would be able to turn off like a switch. That is to say what you're referring to is a feeling toward her or anyone. Love is such a big thing. It's not just how you feel in fact it's not even just what you do. It's not that you do things for someone because of how you feel even. Its when you can do good things for someone, take care of them and be with them - when you're not feeling those wonderful feelings. THAT, my friend, is love. The feelings are nice to have, romance, infatuation, euphoria... all of it, but it is fleeting. As long as you base your condition of staying with a girl on the feeling remaining you will continue to break relationships because inevitably, it will subside, if only temporarily.

[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

Thank you for your responses.

I can turn my "love" off like a light switch. I don't know why, but once a woman does something, anything to make me angry I no longer love her. My ex wife used to say that I had no empathy for her. And perhaps I did not, for I felt she also had no empathy for me. When I heard her crying about how I had hurt her, it did not touch me once the "light switch" had been turned off. I hope this makes sense... to someone.

I went from being absolutely in love with her to hating her.

My fiancee does not make me angry at all.. I have not felt the niggling doubts that I had about my ex wife. My ex wife would stand up to me, would tell me I was wrong, would make me so very angry.

I keep thinking that the fact I can't forget my ex wife is because she made me so angry. Now I'm wondering if it isn't something else, and I'm using my fiancee to replace her.

I'm very confused, I did not expect to be at this place in my life at this age.

I completely understand you and reading your initial post and the responses has freshened my own awareness. With feelings so strong either of love or hate, it is all to easy to forget these important factors. I have learned that my 'switch' has little to do with other people, instead it has everything to do with me . . . how I feel about myself ~ first and foremost I must do my own 'homework,' and 'repair' before I can feel adequate with anyone else. I am still muddling through my own confusion which seems redundant at my age, but one day the reward will be something I have never been able to genuinely experience or give and that is an authentic love, so much more than the feeling I felt it was and sought. That love I have not yet known of myself, my partner and people in general.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

I've been married three times.

I'm 45 years old. My last divorce was two months ago, and I'm engaged again.

I can't stop thinking that maybe this is a mistake. I want to stop thinking about my x wife and move on, but another part of me thinks that I will just repeat the same mistakes with this new one as I did the last. But I keep moving forward, pushing the feelings away and forging ahead.

To me they are replaceable. I know that sounds horrible.

But if I don't stop, I may continue to do this for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I can stop this crazy train I'm on.

Although you're with someone, the idea of thinking people are "replaceable" sounds like such a lonely existence. I'm sorry that's what you're going through. For me, relationships have come and gone largely because I either bolt at the first sign of the other person losing interest, or because I wind up painting them black and idealizing someone else. Is this how it is for you?

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[Maranara]

Part of BPD is promiscuity. Granted, we don't all have it by far, but maybe a possibility?

[BuckNut1]

No, I've never been promiscuous. I've always launched right into a serious relationship, in the beginning I have felt that every one of these women was a gift from god. No one has ever made me this happy.. and then I start to get suspicious.

I find myself watching everything they do, everyone they talk to, for I am sure that they are 'up to something'. Most of the time I do find something that I can imagine or latch onto that they are not being faithful to me. If I do not find anything, I begin to imagine that they are.

The beginning stages of a relationship I can handle. Once we are married, I change. Then I let them see me rage, and as hard as I try to keep these feelings inside, they come out in odd ways. I begin to pluck my eyebrows out, I can't stop ruminating about what they are "planning" to do to me, I have hideous pain in my arm and shoulder which no doctor can tell me what it is from....

I refuse to accept blame for the demise of these relationships. I am a good man, they have lost me.

So I find another that I think will not trigger my intense emotions. I don't know how else to describe it.

[Maranara]

That is also common with BPD. To get very serious very fast and then start seeing their faults, becoming paranoid, etc. I agree with the others that you shouldn't jump so quickly in to a serious relationship. Be friends, get to know her better, and make sure your feelings about the whole situation are stable before making any kind of commitment. That will save both of you a lot of heartache.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

No, I've never been promiscuous. I've always launched right into a serious relationship, in the beginning I have felt that every one of these women was a gift from god. No one has ever made me this happy.. and then I start to get suspicious.

I find myself watching everything they do, everyone they talk to, for I am sure that they are 'up to something'. Most of the time I do find something that I can imagine or latch onto that they are not being faithful to me. If I do not find anything, I begin to imagine that they are.

The beginning stages of a relationship I can handle. Once we are married, I change. Then I let them see me rage, and as hard as I try to keep these feelings inside, they come out in odd ways. I begin to pluck my eyebrows out, I can't stop ruminating about what they are "planning" to do to me, I have hideous pain in my arm and shoulder which no doctor can tell me what it is from....

I refuse to accept blame for the demise of these relationships. I am a good man, they have lost me.

So I find another that I think will not trigger my intense emotions. I don't know how else to describe it.

I this is called the IDD cycle. Going from Idealization (thinking they're a gift from God), to Devaluation (finding that they aren't perfect in every way and have faults, beginning to think they're horrible, "painting them black" if you will), to Discard (you leave).

It's a viscous but common BPD cycle.

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[Malenursefl]

I think you are moving too fast. I've had the promiscuity. It was all in an effort to feel the love that I was missing. as with all of us with BPD, I've fallen too hard too fast and its wrecked some great relationships. I'm trying to control that. I cant relate about being angry n shutting someone out or seeing anyone as replaceable.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by Malenursefl

I cant relate about being angry n shutting someone out or seeing anyone as replaceable.

I can relate to the shutting out to some degree. For over 20 years, I wouldn't allow myself to become friends with anyone. The instant I felt any kind of attachment, I'd shut them out, sometimes violently, and no one ever tried again. It was early enough in the "friendship" that I had no regrets and it saved me from all of the "stuff" that comes from getting close to anyone. In fact, during that time, my BPD was under pretty good control. Had a bad day, some bad moments, but it was doable most of the time. I had a severe resurgence the instant I allowed a person in and tried to "be friends". Have had issues ever since.

[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

No, I've never been promiscuous. I've always launched right into a serious relationship, in the beginning I have felt that every one of these women was a gift from god. No one has ever made me this happy.. and then I start to get suspicious.

I find myself watching everything they do, everyone they talk to, for I am sure that they are 'up to something'. Most of the time I do find something that I can imagine or latch onto that they are not being faithful to me. If I do not find anything, I begin to imagine that they are.

The beginning stages of a relationship I can handle. Once we are married, I change. Then I let them see me rage, and as hard as I try to keep these feelings inside, they come out in odd ways. I begin to pluck my eyebrows out, I can't stop ruminating about what they are "planning" to do to me, I have hideous pain in my arm and shoulder which no doctor can tell me what it is from....

I refuse to accept blame for the demise of these relationships. I am a good man, they have lost me.

So I find another that I think will not trigger my intense emotions. I don't know how else to describe it.

I've always launched right into a serious relationship, in the beginning I have felt that every one of these women was a gift from god. No one has ever made me this happy.. and then I start to get suspicious.

I find myself watching everything they do, everyone they talk to, for I am sure that they are 'up to something'. Most of the time I do find something that I can imagine or latch onto that they are not being faithful to me. If I do not find anything, I begin to imagine that they are.... and then I start to get suspicious.

I got chills reading this . . . the similarity to myself all too unthinkable, almost unfathomable even though it carries itself through my veins. And I NEVER would've thought anyone else would know just what it's like. Perfect description. . . lousy endings. That is why I remain in the relationship I am in now to see it through among my many flaws in working on recovery of my mental and emotional being. I have recognized, finally, that I am the blame for my demise . . . to see it any other way is a true denial and would only bring ongoing turmoil, heartbreak and need for starting all over again and alas, though I still think about it . . . it has gotten old. My boyfriend is the most understanding, I put him through hell . . . how could I leave someone that loves me for EVERYTHING that I am and am not. I want to find the best of me again and one day give to him what he gives to me.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

I've always launched right into a serious relationship, in the beginning I have felt that every one of these women was a gift from god. No one has ever made me this happy.. and then I start to get suspicious.

I find myself watching everything they do, everyone they talk to, for I am sure that they are 'up to something'. Most of the time I do find something that I can imagine or latch onto that they are not being faithful to me. If I do not find anything, I begin to imagine that they are.... and then I start to get suspicious.

I got chills reading this . . . the similarity to myself all too unthinkable, almost unfathomable even though it carries itself through my veins. And I NEVER would've thought anyone else would know just what it's like. Perfect description. . . lousy endings. That is why I remain in the relationship I am in now to see it through among my many flaws in working on recovery of my mental and emotional being. I have recognized, finally, that I am the blame for my demise . . . to see it any other way is a true denial and would only bring ongoing turmoil, heartbreak and need for starting all over again and alas, though I still think about it . . . it has gotten old. My boyfriend is the most understanding, I put him through hell . . . how could I leave someone that loves me for EVERYTHING that I am and am not. I want to find the best of me again and one day give to him what he gives to me.

I always say BPD can be described in one sentence.

It is a war waged on, and waged by, myself.

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[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

I always say BPD can be described in one sentence.

It is a war waged on, and waged by, myself.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

So true . . . and it's amazing the amount of 'facets' three letters can cover.

[BuckNut1]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

I got chills reading this . . . the similarity to myself all too unthinkable, almost unfathomable even though it carries itself through my veins. And I NEVER would've thought anyone else would know just what it's like. Perfect description. . . lousy endings. That is why I remain in the relationship I am in now to see it through among my many flaws in working on recovery of my mental and emotional being. I have recognized, finally, that I am the blame for my demise . . . to see it any other way is a true denial and would only bring ongoing turmoil, heartbreak and need for starting all over again and alas, though I still think about it . . . it has gotten old. My boyfriend is the most understanding, I put him through hell . . . how could I leave someone that loves me for EVERYTHING that I am and am not. I want to find the best of me again and one day give to him what he gives to me.

I believe that you can. For you have insight. I do not. I am too damaged and am not willing to do the painful work of healing my core trauma. I don't believe in therapists, I refuse to acknowledge any of my wrongs since I do not see myself as wrong, if I do, it means I'm all bad and leads me to suicidal thoughts.

It's too big, it's too ugly and it involves severe illness as a child and abandonment by my father at age 3. I was also beaten regularly by my stepfather.

I've asked you all a question I know the answer to. I know why I can't stay with one woman. No one can provide me with the loving reassurance that I require. No one can. It is impossible.

The only way to stop is by choosing to do so. No one is making you get married.

I think the best thing may be to put the engagement on hold and if you're willing, initiate or carry on with a therapy that best works for you. This could just be who you but perhaps your actions are being exacerbated by your condition. It's really not that uncommon in people with PD's. Therapy may not have any bearing on what you do outside of treatment - after all, you're still responsible for your own choices, but it should certainly help you to consider things with greater perspective and focus if nothing else.

Not everyone suits marriage. And this is perfectly ok. If it's still something you feel you want, maybe taking a break from the idea and working on improving how you feel is the best way to ensure greater success in future relationships. I understand the pressure you might be feeling, but you said it yourself - you don't want to be going through this at your age especially after two other failed marriages.

Good luck.

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

I believe that you can. For you have insight. I do not. I am too damaged and am not willing to do the painful work of healing my core trauma. I don't believe in therapists, I refuse to acknowledge any of my wrongs since I do not see myself as wrong, if I do, it means I'm all bad and leads me to suicidal thoughts.

It's too big, it's too ugly and it involves severe illness as a child and abandonment by my father at age 3. I was also beaten regularly by my stepfather.

I've asked you all a question I know the answer to. I know why I can't stay with one woman. No one can provide me with the loving reassurance that I require. No one can. It is impossible.

Sorry I didn't see this above post.

I don't think you're incapable of loving and being loved. But as I said in my previous post, personal accountability also plays a part here.

You want things to change yes? Well they're not just going to happen - these sorts of things are hard work, but that's what makes them worth it no?

No one here can tell you what to do, it's just not our place. We can however support you and advise you in any way that's appropriate.

Keeping posting and hopefully you'll come to a better decision over what to do. Sometimes it takes this sort of exploration to see things more clearly.

Again I wish you luck.

[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by BuckNut1

I believe that you can. For you have insight. I do not. I am too damaged and am not willing to do the painful work of healing my core trauma. I don't believe in therapists, I refuse to acknowledge any of my wrongs since I do not see myself as wrong, if I do, it means I'm all bad and leads me to suicidal thoughts.

It's too big, it's too ugly and it involves severe illness as a child and abandonment by my father at age 3. I was also beaten regularly by my stepfather.

I've asked you all a question I know the answer to. I know why I can't stay with one woman. No one can provide me with the loving reassurance that I require. No one can. It is impossible.

I am so sorry that you have experienced such trauma in your life. We have all endured much, and in many cases, the unthinkable. I have yet much to learn, and we all are capable of gaining insight. When we're ready, we come to this place in our lives where we need to decipher of the choices given us; either we live in continuous pain/conflict and that of which casts hurt upon others, or we manage that which allows us to progress, and live more contentedly as we have learn to calm some of our stormy core within. There are many that are incapable of receiving the massive amounts of loving reassurance that they desperately need . . .I AM BUT A MERE ONE OF THEM. You're right, not one, not a million people can fill such an extensive void (I refer to it is my bottomless love pit). But we can learn how to make 'less' be fulfilling. You are not wrong by any means ~ it is about our genetics, our hurtful misfortunes and feelings that can make our lives a living hell if we choose not to confront them. It IS too big, too ugly and destructive to carry anymore. You are quite insightful yourself, you are here on PC sharing your knowledge of what it is that makes you tick, the way you do, and I do hope you stick around and continue to help others.