I am posting this in emotions because it's more about me coping with my emotions over what has happened. If it belongs in relationships my apologies in advance.

The facts (things I can say with absolute certainty and no bias happened.)

*He declared himself a mental terrorist.
*But said he would never hurt me like that because he had no reason to mess with my head. (This always felt to me like he was saying I wasn't worth the effort required to do so.)
*He admits to "sheltering" me from his angry side when we first met.
*Being the first to start conversations became "I just don't like to message first"
*He demanded the only people on my friends lists in games be women.
*He actively pursued a relationship with someone else (with my permission although it was only supposed to be physical and he admits to "really liking" this girl) and admits to taking his anger out on me when it didn't work out.
*Sex (as it was) stopped six months or so before our relationship ended and he gave me at least 3 different excuses. (Including I had become too straight.)
*When I met him he claimed not to have had sex in years through no choice of his own. Now he says he's so sexy women find him irresistible.
*He claims to be confident but got seriously angry when he thought I was calling him skinny. (I said his penis was the size of a small child's arm. He thought I was talking about him having arms the size of a child's.)
*He forgave and unforgave me 3 times for a transgression that happened long before I even believed we were capable of a relationship (and that he had condoned although he later claimed he was joking when he said I could see other people. Actually many things I took issue with he claimed were jokes and I was being over sensitive.)
*On at least one occasion this forgiveness was earned with conditions. (That I not whine at him for a month.)
*When I tried to walk away he suddenly became the person I met. Just like that. A switch, flicked.
*Our last argument he told me over and over again that if I wanted to leave I had the power to do it and that he wasn't going to make it easy for me.

*He has made absolutely no effort to contact me since.
If he were truly an NPD he wouldn't have let me go that easily, would he?

I know these happened. I know that many of them if not narcissistic were at least inappropriate and still I question myself.

Is he really as bad as I thought he was? Am I just devaluing him? Am I just being over sensitive? Maybe he wasn't that bad, it's only compared to who I thought he was. Maybe he wasn't that great to begin with and I just idealized him. Maybe I was the one that broke him. He says he's a nice person, if he's not that person around me maybe I'm the problem.

I don't hate him. If he was really that bad shouldn't I hate him?

Maybe it's all just me and I deserve what ever pain is thrown my way because I break everything good in my life

He wasn't all bad.

I remember when he did a special quest in a game just to get me a flower.

And he was so patient with me and my haphazard gaming style (and shiny obsession) when we played together.

[Perna]

He's as bad as you think. He didn't let you go, he didn't want/hold on to you in the first place; you were a "thing" not a person, especially not "You". Don't take it personally. Why hate him? Waste of your time. No one who is trying to control your life (Facebook account :-) is someone you want in your life; it's your life, not theirs -- they have their own to work with! It's just plain greedy of him to try and control you and tell you what to do, think, feel, etc.

[hvert]

He sounds pretty bad. My experience with NPD is that they drop you like a hot coal as soon as you demonstrate non-compliance. You don't sound over-sensitive at all. A lot of what he did sounds really out of line.

You probably have mixed emotions because you cared about him despite his flaws. Unfortunately, sometimes people we really care about just don't make good partners.

I hope you can stay strong and avoid contact with him-- and meet someone who treats you much better than he did!

[BLUEDOVE]

I went back with an NPD,because I thought I 'loved'
her . . . .wrong,I DEPENDED ON HER!
I'm free now,please don't make same mistake.
Also,she,and he,are adult-children; physical adults
but,psychological and emotional . . . Children.
Take Care of You,
BLUEDOVE

Originally Posted by Perna

Why hate him? Waste of your time.

Because I still care about him so much more than I should.

While part of me harbors fantasies of him contacting me and me telling him exactly what I think of him and that I won't fall for his tricks again.

The other part is absolutely terrified that if he tried I would just slip right back into place.

[brainhi]

Your list said it all. That is really bad stuff...some of us that have been through hard times have this "high tolerance for inappropriate behavior". And still some good things happened...put those in your memories and go through that process of moving on - It sucks...and you learned some really hard lessons..the other person will not change only you can. Take the good and leave the bad behind.

I keep alternating between thinking him to be some evil monster and wanting to defend him. I'm so used to blaming myself that accepting maybe someone else wasn't perfect is hard for me. (Sheesh, I still make excuses for my parents.)

And I know I'm not easy to deal with. My complete lack of self worth tends to require a lot of reassurance. That has to be draining.

He did tell me it was my fault that he changed at one point. In reference to points 10-11.

When we met he was a lovely guy, funny, smart and generally great to be around in a little clingy and a little over attached for a friendship formed over the internet. Somehow he managed to rope me into phone sex but I never really thought anything of it. It's the internet for crying out loud.

One day he says to me that if I had a chance to get laid he would be okay with it and expected the same from me. Of course this just reaffirmed my beliefs in the casuality of our relationship.

I got involved with someone and when I told him he threw the mother of all tantrums saying he was joking. I was horrified I never meant to hurt him and begged forgiveness he then says that he wasn't really upset he understood but that he really did not want me to be with someone else.

Okay. Still not entirely sure but he was so nice (perfect really) and he had so much faith in us and I started to think maybe it was possible for us to work and allowed myself to really feel for him.

Some time and many arguments later usually about the way he had become distant he tells me that the problem is that initial transgression of mine and that he had been waiting for me to earn his forgiveness.

I threw away all dignity and said I would do whatever he wanted. It was here he stated that I wasn't to whine at him for a month. (A later argument when he again brought up that incident it was revealed that I failed that test- yes, I honestly tried- because I dared to mention I wasn't in a very good place at one point.)

What I'm getting at here is that although I didn't believe we had something he did and that what happened must have hurt him (especially if -as he says- almost every girlfriend in his past has cheated on him.) Maybe I did deserve his change in persona.

Or maybe I'm just trying to make excuses because I can't believe I was so stupid as to let him treat me the way I did for as long as I did and that I still feel so pathetically attached to him.

It requires a certain type of loserdom to still care for someone who's made you feel so awful.

EDIT: Actually, it's odd. He prides himself on being able to cut people from his life when they upset him and I apparently never did anything bad enough for him to cut me off (he said so himself) and yet this thing was apparently bad enough for him to throw in my face at every opportunity.

[brainhi]

Once again...your list said it all and more. Relationships go through hard times...but in no way is this healthy for you at all. You are not a loser - you held on to something in hopes it would get better. You are negotiating with yourself...we all do that when we are trying to figure out if we should hold on. You pain is real. As you learn to feel better about "who you are" you will attract more genuine people. You are suffering too much and it's up to you to want to change that..and look for resouces to help you through it...otherwise the next guy will be the same.

[PeachCream22]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

Because I still care about him so much more than I should.

While part of me harbors fantasies of him contacting me and me telling him exactly what I think of him and that I won't fall for his tricks again.

The other part is absolutely terrified that if he tried I would just slip right back into place.

SO. EFFING. TRUE. I cannot emphasize this enough. TRUST your terrified part. By the way you're saying and doubting yourself, you WILL get sucked into his negativity. DON'T do it! You're a good person. Sometimes things just can't be fixed no matter how hard you try. Don't waste your time.

Originally Posted by PeachCream22

By the way you're saying and doubting yourself, you WILL get sucked into his negativity. DON'T do it!

I think that's part of the reason he had it so easy with me. When it came to self doubt I'd already done all the leg work for him. lol

As for the relationship front I have absolutely no intentions of involving myself with anyone anytime soon.

It's disturbingly obvious I am far too vulnerable and quite frankly I'm not sure I could give someone what they deserved either.

So for the moment I'm hiding out where I can't hurt them and they can't hurt me.

[Fuzzybear]

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

Because I still care about him so much more than I should.

While part of me harbors fantasies of him contacting me and me telling him exactly what I think of him and that I won't fall for his tricks again.

The other part is absolutely terrified that if he tried I would just slip right back into place.

you probabaly would be much safer if you kept your distance

The goodbye I should have made.

***

I had been searching for a long time for a reason to leave, my jealousy was merely a reason that I could grasp on to rather than trying to explain to you how no matter how nice you were I could never trust you. That I was constantly waiting for you to turn on me like a rabid dog.

I couldn't tell you that because I knew what would happen. You would twist it around and make me doubt myself even further.

I should never have let you back in the first time but you seemed so sincere and I didn't want to cause you any pain even though I knew that I could never bring myself to trust you. And you did try so hard. You were so nice but lets face it, the mask slipped. More than once. Don't think I didn't notice.

It's hard to accept that the man I fell in love with is an illusion but that's exactly what he was. You baited the hook and I kept on loving the man that replaced him in the hopes of the original returning. When he did it was too late and if I'm honest under suspicious circumstances. It hurts to think he was there all along and I just didn't deserve to see him, however as you can see I'm beginning to realise that's not necessarily the truth.

I'm guessing by the way you tried to reassure me that you would never abandon me that you finally decided to read up on BPD. Too bad it was too little too late. You had already abandoned me.

Some of the things I let you get away with were manipulative and borderline abusive. I'm not going to say you did it on purpose or that I didn't deserve it or that I wasn't as bad but I know that someone more emotionally functional than me would never have allowed that to happen.

You've left more damage than I ever truly realized but that's okay because as cliched as it is I'm stronger because of it.

You showed me my weaknesses and now the cracks you slithered in through will be studied and fixed. My walls are higher and stronger than ever. Thanks for that.

I hope you can find happiness in your life and I'm sorry that I couldn't help you with that.

You've been a big part of my life but now it's goodbye- for both our sakes.

[brainhi]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

The goodbye I should have made.

***

I had been searching for a long time for a reason to leave, my jealousy was merely a reason that I could grasp on to rather than trying to explain to you how no matter how nice you were I could never trust you. That I was constantly waiting for you to turn on me like a rabid dog.

I couldn't tell you that because I knew what would happen. You would twist it around and make me doubt myself even further.

I should never have let you back in the first time but you seemed so sincere and I didn't want to cause you any pain even though I knew that I could never bring myself to trust you. And you did try so hard. You were so nice but lets face it, the mask slipped. More than once. Don't think I didn't notice.

It's hard to accept that the man I fell in love with is an illusion but that's exactly what he was. You baited the hook and I kept on loving the man that replaced him in the hopes of the original returning. When he did it was too late and if I'm honest under suspicious circumstances. It hurts to think he was there all along and I just didn't deserve to see him, however as you can see I'm beginning to realise that's not necessarily the truth.

I'm guessing by the way you tried to reassure me that you would never abandon me that you finally decided to read up on BPD. Too bad it was too little too late. You had already abandoned me.

Some of the things I let you get away with were manipulative and borderline abusive. I'm not going to say you did it on purpose or that I didn't deserve it or that I wasn't as bad but I know that someone more emotionally functional than me would never have allowed that to happen.

You've left more damage than I ever truly realized but that's okay because as cliched as it is I'm stronger because of it.

You showed me my weaknesses and now the cracks you slithered in through will be studied and fixed. My walls are higher and stronger than ever. Thanks for that.

I hope you can find happiness in your life and I'm sorry that I couldn't help you with that.

You've been a big part of my life but now it's goodbye- for both our sakes.

Your writing/expressing is very good. Good luck to you....the start of a new journey. May the bad fade away very soon.

[yumi]

Be thankful that he is not contacting you! However, keep your guard up, because he just might surprise you when you are least expecting it.

Hopefully he is hooked up with someone else and he is now someone else's problem,. I feel for that woman tho! May she have strength to leave him.

I not only see NPD in your description , but I also see sociopathic traits as well. This is very, very dangerous and my advice for you is to let go completely. Count your lucky stars he is leaving you alone and not attempting to use that "switch" on you. I am very well aware of this tactic, that is why I say keep your guard up because he may very well show up again in your life unexpectedly.

I would change your phone number and change your email accounts. Make it nearly impossible for him to get a hold of you.

Guard yourself . You are lucky to have gotten away as soon as you did.

Originally Posted by yumi

Be thankful that he is not contacting you! However, keep your guard up, because he just might surprise you when you are least expecting it.

Hopefully he is hooked up with someone else and he is now someone else's problem,. I feel for that woman tho! May she have strength to leave him.

I not only see NPD in your description , but I also see sociopathic traits as well. This is very, very dangerous and my advice for you is to let go completely. Count your lucky stars he is leaving you alone and not attempting to use that "switch" on you. I am very well aware of this tactic, that is why I say keep your guard up because he may very well show up again in your life unexpectedly.

I would change your phone number and change your email accounts. Make it nearly impossible for him to get a hold of you.

Guard yourself . You are lucky to have gotten away as soon as you did.

To be honest I'm finding the fact that he hasn't tried to contact me as slightly damaging to my self esteem. I keep thinking if even he doesn't want to keep me around I must be worthless.

I know it's not true and he certainly has found someone else to attach to (it was my jealousy of that person that finally enabled me to walk away) but there's another part of me that still really doubts myself and that he was really a problem.

And it certainly wasn't this 'easy' last time. Last time I had the promising to change message within 20 mins so he has at least tried to keep me around at one point.

I guess I'm just really bad at this not blaming myself business. lol

I know I'm going to get through this eventually and I'd like to thank you all for your support. It has helped.

[chroma66]

So you saw through him and he made himself scarce, big surprise.

I agree with the above posters; cut all lines of communication. Your script is great, memorize the best bits for if you happen to run into him unexpectedly. Then again, a simple "F***off!!" might do the trick. I have self esteem issues too, and it's so effing easy to be talked out of what's good for us by some jerk. Good luck!

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I am posting this in emotions because it's more about me coping with my emotions over what has happened. If it belongs in relationships my apologies in advance.

The facts (things I can say with absolute certainty and no bias happened.)

*He declared himself a mental terrorist.
*But said he would never hurt me like that because he had no reason to mess with my head. (This always felt to me like he was saying I wasn't worth the effort required to do so.)
*He admits to "sheltering" me from his angry side when we first met.
*Being the first to start conversations became "I just don't like to message first"
*He demanded the only people on my friends lists in games be women.
*He actively pursued a relationship with someone else (with my permission although it was only supposed to be physical and he admits to "really liking" this girl) and admits to taking his anger out on me when it didn't work out.
*Sex (as it was) stopped six months or so before our relationship ended and he gave me at least 3 different excuses. (Including I had become too straight.)
*When I met him he claimed not to have had sex in years through no choice of his own. Now he says he's so sexy women find him irresistible.
*He claims to be confident but got seriously angry when he thought I was calling him skinny. (I said his penis was the size of a small child's arm. He thought I was talking about him having arms the size of a child's.)
*He forgave and unforgave me 3 times for a transgression that happened long before I even believed we were capable of a relationship (and that he had condoned although he later claimed he was joking when he said I could see other people. Actually many things I took issue with he claimed were jokes and I was being over sensitive.)
*On at least one occasion this forgiveness was earned with conditions. (That I not whine at him for a month.)
*When I tried to walk away he suddenly became the person I met. Just like that. A switch, flicked.
*Our last argument he told me over and over again that if I wanted to leave I had the power to do it and that he wasn't going to make it easy for me.

*He has made absolutely no effort to contact me since.
If he were truly an NPD he wouldn't have let me go that easily, would he?

I know these happened. I know that many of them if not narcissistic were at least inappropriate and still I question myself.

Is he really as bad as I thought he was? Am I just devaluing him? Am I just being over sensitive? Maybe he wasn't that bad, it's only compared to who I thought he was. Maybe he wasn't that great to begin with and I just idealized him. Maybe I was the one that broke him. He says he's a nice person, if he's not that person around me maybe I'm the problem.

I don't hate him. If he was really that bad shouldn't I hate him?

Maybe it's all just me and I deserve what ever pain is thrown my way because I break everything good in my life

He wasn't all bad.

I remember when he did a special quest in a game just to get me a flower.

And he was so patient with me and my haphazard gaming style (and shiny obsession) when we played together.

Definately a narc IMHO...and like perna said, he didn't let you go. The on off switch thing and pretty much everything on your list is nearly textbook narc.

It's like you met and also had a relationship with my ex. You're well rid of him. And no, don't hate him...it will just hurt longer.

Take care

The further I step from him the more I see how unhealthy our relationship was and all it does is make me angrier at myself.

When he was trying to date that other women, the first time he mentioned his intentions to me he said he was telling me because it was the right thing to do but that he didn't care about my opinion he was going to do it anyway.

Right there. Right ****ing there he told me exactly how little he cared about me and I ignored it. The hell sort of pathetically stupid is that?

When I called him on how he was taking his anger at her out on me he got mad at me for not supporting him when he needed it and I agreed.

He never loved me. He loved that for the tiniest bit of pretend affection I would worship him and let him walk all over me.

I hate myself for being so damned pathetic.

I hate myself for feeling sorry for him because to run someone into the ground like that just to feed one's own egotistical delusions he must be experiencing a whole lot of pain and emotional turmoil under that facade of his.

I hate myself because I can't forgive myself.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

The further I step from him the more I see how unhealthy our relationship was and all it does is make me angrier at myself.

When he was trying to date that other women, the first time he mentioned his intentions to me he said he was telling me because it was the right thing to do but that he didn't care about my opinion he was going to do it anyway.

Right there. Right ****ing there he told me exactly how little he cared about me and I ignored it. The hell sort of pathetically stupid is that?

When I called him on how he was taking his anger at her out on me he got mad at me for not supporting him when he needed it and I agreed.

He never loved me. He loved that for the tiniest bit of pretend affection I would worship him and let him walk all over me.

I hate myself for being so damned pathetic.

I hate myself for feeling sorry for him because to run someone into the ground like that just to feed one's own egotistical delusions he must be experiencing a whole lot of pain and emotional turmoil under that facade of his.

I hate myself because I can't forgive myself.

Okay, you really need to stop doing this to yourself (wish someone had said that to me). I know now that you're getting some distance little things come back to haunt you, and you are alternately full on hating or full on sobbing, and sometimes both. This will continue, but it's because of withdrawl.

I fully believe it isn't just the emotional wrecking they do.....with their actions, their manipulation, their gaslighting etc...we become addicted to them. When they verbally slap us or walk away, we crave and beg and plead and wrack our brains trying to figure out what we did. When they deign to return, we're so absorbed in relief and love, NOTHING they say will actually get thru to us. And it goes on like that the entire relationship only we don't see it because we're IN it.

So it's the withdrawl you're dealing with now. And it ain't pretty. And it hurts and it causes constant self-doubt, self-questions. But it WILL pass, I promise you. I would try to force myself to think of something else when those "creepy crawlies' as I called them, came in and sometimes it worked. Sometimes...a lot of times, it didn't and I would bawl like a baby....demanding to know why I was so stupid....and then cry harder because I was crying...again!!! I swear, it was worse than quitting smoking.

You can read up on NPD...that helped me a lot...but be careful you don't get addicted to that...it's almost like having them with you again, in a two dimensional way...and after a while that's not healthy either. But at first, it might help....consider it a bit of methadone to help the withdrawl of the heroin he is.

Mine told me things during the relationship too, that I look back on and realize...he was being honest (and awful) but I dismissed them as my misunderstanding, or being to harsh. He once told me he enjoyed manipulating people. (for some reason I ignored this...and to this day I don't know the excuse I made for it. But I made one) He told me things he'd done to treat people in his life (former wife, children) shabbily.....distantly, and dismissively----ahhh but THIS one I remember thinking "he's making a blue print for me to follow...warning me this is what he'll do to me". Again I ignored it. Swept it away on a curl of curiosity and imagination. And guess what? He did the exact same thing to me.

It will get better, trust me. It will take time, but it will get better. Keep posting here...it helps to vent sometimes....message me if you like, and vent to me. I'm strong enough now, to help you. And one day, you'll be strong enough to help another person devastated by an NPD.

Originally Posted by waiting4

Mine told me things during the relationship too, that I look back on and realize...he was being honest (and awful) but I dismissed them as my misunderstanding, or being to harsh. He once told me he enjoyed manipulating people. (for some reason I ignored this...and to this day I don't know the excuse I made for it. But I made one) He told me things he'd done to treat people in his life (former wife, children) shabbily.....distantly, and dismissively----ahhh but THIS one I remember thinking "he's making a blue print for me to follow...warning me this is what he'll do to me". Again I ignored it. Swept it away on a curl of curiosity and imagination. And guess what? He did the exact same thing to me.

Mine said the exact same thing to me. I told myself he didn't mean it he was just trying to make himself seem important/intimidating- which in a way I guess is exactly what he was doing.

Thank you.

Sometimes I have these moments where everything is okay but then I remember how I let him get away with something and get crazy angry at myself for my stupidity.

I feel a lot like I didn't just open the door for him I threw rose petals to welcome him in lol

Knowing that it was my own vulnerabilities that allowed him to hurt me the way he did only makes things worse.

Honestly I am now so utterly terrified of relationships the idea of being in one makes me want to throw up. (Which is a bonus. I think I'd be like a chum bucket to any sharks out there right now. )

I miss him. I understand all the logistics of why I miss him but it doesn't make me any less angry at myself for it.

It's kinda amusing I was looking through my facebook timeline earlier and you can actually trace how much I changed.

I start out all gregarious, loud and probably annoying and then when he shows up my posts slowly become angry and all about him until eventually nothing. I just stop posting altogether.

I hardly ever use facebook these days. Too scared I'll say something to upset someone.

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I miss him. I understand all the logistics of why I miss him but it doesn't make me any less angry at myself for it.

It's kinda amusing I was looking through my facebook timeline earlier and you can actually trace how much I changed.

I start out all gregarious, loud and probably annoying and then when he shows up my posts slowly become angry and all about him until eventually nothing. I just stop posting altogether.

I hardly ever use facebook these days. Too scared I'll say something to upset someone.

When I first met mine, years ago, I kept some of the messages from the chat client we used but after we parted ways (amicably that time...yeah, there's no mystery--he never really let go) I tossed them. So when we got back together, I kept them. Emails, messages...pictures of us. I wanted documentation but if you'd asked me why, back then, I wouldn't have been able to give you a straight answer. Maybe I knew what was coming and just wanted proof.

So after I broke up with him...long after, I looked at the texts, messages, emails..from the beginning and you could see how I was slowly changing....becoming this weird puppet...how co-dependent I was becoming...how pathetic. During one exchange between us, I remember as I read,bursting into angry tears and shouting to 'me' "what the hell is wrong with you???? Why are you SAYING that??? Why are you DOING that???" Quite the eye opener.

I don't read them anymore, but I did keep them. Sort of as a warning to myself, that yes, people can do that...subtly, and terribly easily if we stop listening to the little voice in our heads warning us of something wrong. That voice starts as a freakin gong....but the longer we ignore it, the softer it becomes until not even tinkerbell could make it out on a clear night.

Take care...you'll get thru it. BTW, mine messaged me the other day. I was fully wrecked for hours. But I didn't respond. So then I was sad, angry....and finally (but much quicker than I thought) I moved into resolved. It was wonderful. The pet has sprung the leash.

No, I don't want a relationship now, either...but not so much from fear, as from the fact I lost so much of myself those years, I have to get me back before I'm good for anyone else, much less myself. It'll take time...but I have loads of that.

[glok]

Hello, BeteNoire. You may benefit from this Ted Talk:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, BeteNoire. You may benefit from this Ted Talk:

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Thanks, glok.

On some level I fully understand everything she said but right now my emotions are throwing a tantrum that a 12 year old would be proud of.

All I want right now is safe. Screw happiness I just don't wanna hurt lol