[Rose76]

I am alone and I am sad. I haven't left my house in days. I was doing good for a stretch. I lost it. I lost my hold on being okay. I came to the computer and now I am even worse. I will get off, until I can be in a better state of mind. I don't really have anyone to trust. My S.O. calls and I just say that I am fine. He will berate me if I tell him I am depressed again.

[online user]

So sorry to hear this Rose. I have been up and down since we talked last--haven't been on for a while. So I know how humbling and discouraging it can be to be down again. Do know you are in a cycle which can be reversed, and no doubt will...remember when you felt better. It will come again. Till then, be kind to yourself. Take care of you, for you. Know we are pulling for you!

[likewater]

Sorry you are sad. It's ok to be sad. No need to hide it or be ashamed, but it's no fun. Hugs. You won' t be sad forever.

((((((Rose))))))

[Rose76]

Thank you. I do trust Psych Central members.

I know I will get better. I always do.

It's unfortunate that I just don't have supportive people in my life out here. Some of that is just bad luck. My family of origin is as it is. My significant other is someone that one can't expect too much from. At least, I'm becoming more comfortable with just being alone. I'm very glad that I have my apartment where I can be safely by myself. That means the world to me. I'm comfortable here. It's a humble but cozy little place. When I lived with my S.O., there was real emotional abuse that would get worse when I was depressed. We are both very happy to live apart. I think of us as old friends, which I guess we will always be. When he is sick, as he was recently, I care very much and do all I can. He does some nice things for me too. This was the love of my life, and that was unfortunate for me. He has not been in love with me for quite a long time. He's told me since even back when he was in love with me that I don't measure up to his standards. Not that he would measure up to anyone's standards. Even his family encouraged me to leave him long ago. But I am glad of the on-going friendship that does exist and provides some warmth for each of us. I am not looking for a new relationship. I am too worn out.

My siblings don't care very much about me and I think I would do well to stop wishing for something that isn't there. It's really nothing personal against me; they don't care much for each other, and they just aren't all that inclined to be very embracing of anyone. The best thing I could learn from this time I'm spending in the down cycle would be to let go of trying to fan any little ember I see that I think has the potential to be more that it is. The world is full of people. I might invest elsewhere and find it more worth my while. I'm not outgoing. Trying to connect with others is very frightening to me. Also, there are a lot of people who are not good to connect with. But they often are the easiest to find. That's been the story of my life.

My getting hired hasn't actually resulted in me working yet. I am waiting for an assignment and it seems to be taking forever. I am getting scared that I won't measure up when I do get work. I am scared. But I won't spend the rest of this evening being scared. I am learning to be alone and depressed and to not be quite as scared as I was. Maybe I am foolish and should be scared. Somehow, I just am tired of being scared and feel like - whatever happens, happens. So I stay in my apartment like it is a cocoon, and I just want to stay cocooned. But tomorrow I am going to my employer to talk about getting me assigned somewhere.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I am alone and I am sad. I haven't left my house in days. I was doing good for a stretch. I lost it. I lost my hold on being okay. I came to the computer and now I am even worse. I will get off, until I can be in a better state of mind. I don't really have anyone to trust. My S.O. calls and I just say that I am fine. He will berate me if I tell him I am depressed again.

Oh Rose--you were feeling so good. Did something happen to trigger you?

[Rose76]

Yes, TerryL, always I can usually trace back to something that felt bad. I have been hired by nursing agencies in the past and just about always been given work to do soon. This time is different. I'm still waiting for an assignment. I had been really encouraged by getting the job. But then it didn't pan out as I had hoped. So I am scared. Also, my three siblings are difficult to relate to. They will go months without talking to me, then seem friendly for awhile, then estrangement sets in. I analyse everything I've said to them to see where I may have been wrong. I always find things to criticize myself for. That's not really the problem though. One is not a good person and it is vain to expect anything but trouble. Another one goes from warm and friendly to very angry, and if she wants to find things to be angry with, she surely will. Then there is one whom I've had a lot of respect for, but she doesn't have much respect for me and has said so. Recently she indicated that she doesn't really like getting phone calls, email, and regular mail. So I will try not to bother her. My S.O. is critical of me, and I've gotten to where I prefer being alone than being with him. When he was very sick, I sent an email to a sibling who telephoned me, but I think she just felt obligated. She knows that I would like to hear more from her, but she has told me in the past that I don't relate to her properly and that if she is distant from me, it is because that is what I deserve. Kind of a lot of rejection to deal with - is it not? Now I am crying, so I will get off and I have to get ready for someone coming to clean my carpet. I don't feel like moving things out of the way, as he needs for me to do. I have to make myself.

At the pscych center, they say I am not making progress and so they want me to stop coming to them. I'm in bad shape.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Yes, TerryL, always I can usually trace back to something that felt bad. I have been hired by nursing agencies in the past and just about always been given work to do soon. This time is different. I'm still waiting for an assignment. I had been really encouraged by getting the job. But then it didn't pan out as I had hoped. So I am scared. Also, my three siblings are difficult to relate to. They will go months without talking to me, then seem friendly for awhile, then estrangement sets in. I analyse everything I've said to them to see where I may have been wrong. I always find things to criticize myself for. That's not really the problem though. One is not a good person and it is vain to expect anything but trouble. Another one goes from warm and friendly to very angry, and if she wants to find things to be angry with, she surely will. Then there is one whom I've had a lot of respect for, but she doesn't have much respect for me and has said so. Recently she indicated that she doesn't really like getting phone calls, email, and regular mail. So I will try not to bother her. My S.O. is critical of me, and I've gotten to where I prefer being alone than being with him. When he was very sick, I sent an email to a sibling who telephoned me, but I think she just felt obligated. She knows that I would like to hear more from her, but she has told me in the past that I don't relate to her properly and that if she is distant from me, it is because that is what I deserve. Kind of a lot of rejection to deal with - is it not? Now I am crying, so I will get off and I have to get ready for someone coming to clean my carpet. I don't feel like moving things out of the way, as he needs for me to do. I have to make myself.

At the pscych center, they say I am not making progress and so they want me to stop coming to them. I'm in bad shape.

Hi Rose--No wonder you are feeling down I hope you will get an assignment soon. I'm not sure how healthcare agencies work but can you register with several of them to increase your chances of working? and if you do get work, will you be sent to an assignment that is matched to your experience? or do you have to learn something from scratch?

As for your personal relationships..sigh...what's a gal to do? Why can't it all be easier? I bet you just want to pull the covers over your head and hibernate. I am glad that you are okay with being alone for a while. It'll give your hurt soul a chance to heal.

As for the psych center, if they can't help you can't they refer you out?

Anyways, I hope tomorrow will be a better day. Please keep posting.

[online user]

Sorry you are having such a rough time of things. Glad you have the job now--gives you something to look forward to, even if it is scary. At least something is moving in the right direction, and you seem in touch with yourself and what's what. I think that's positive too. Hang on to what you can and don't mess with what you can't. I, too, have difficult siblings so I can relate. It's taken me many years to get on a better footing with them. Like you, I don't expect too much and take what I get and accept that. You have yto do with what you are given, don't you?

Keep in touch and know we are pulling for you to feel better.

[Open Eyes]

(((((Rose)))), your siblings are just toxic, its not you. Don't let yourself go down that road, you were on it long enough. No, we cannot pick our siblings. Keep checking into possibly applying for work in other places you might find something else.

((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Rose ))))))))))))))

[Rose76]

Well, I got way better. After the carpet came out so nice, I was just so pleased. They got out stains I didn't think would come out. I love for my place to look nice. So it was just like getting "triggered" - only I got triggered into feeling REALLY GOOD. Once, a pdoc who had known me for years (I spent thousands on him) suddenly said, "Rose, I do think you're bipolar." That had never been my diagnosis. Always, my diagnosis had been "dysthymia." What had prompted him saying that was that I suddenly got extremely upset and inappropriately angry. It was like I just lost it. For six years I had been unfailingly polite to my pdoc.

I am kind of rambling here, but I do have a point. I was so low when I started this thread. As always, I felt like "This is finally the depression that I will never recover from."

Then I had to get physical and move furniture in prep for the carpet cleaning. Then my place looked so clean and nice. Then the past two days, I have been really "UP." Past two days were good, productive days - even though I have a lot of joint pain. It was so good to recover that quickly.

Then, this morning, I woke up feeling REALLY, REALLY GOOD. I had trouble concentrating on putting breakfast together because I was singing so enthusiastically and songs kept coming to me. And I was so UP. Now I'm trying to rein myself in so I am not just wasting time in an ebullient, disorganized fashion.

Thank you all, above, so much for caring. This post is to let you know that I'm sort of all-better. (for now) I guess the cycle rolls onward. How I feel when I am this up is, I believe, hypomanic. Bi-polar drugs don't do me any good.

My pdoc HAS referred me to a different clinic where I will get more intensive care. I will go for DBT treatment. (dialectical behavioral therapy) I was angry about being switched to a different clinic, but now I think it is for the best. Maybe the new pdoc, who won't be a resident-in-training, will understand me better.

I am so glad to feel better. I am so glad to have come here and found caring posts. I'm "UP" and feel like: I WILL NEVER BE DEPRESSED AGAIN - I GOT IT LICKED GOOD THIS TIME! Something's not right, though, even now as I feel good. Partly I'm hyped up because a family member called me last night and we spoke for over an hour.

I got to calm down - slow down. Got to get ready to go to the dentist.

Thank you all again.

isn't it stupendous!

how we get ourselves in our states!

it's not your fault....

it isn't it's not and it never is

we are a bit nuts

and we are alone with it.....

but it's a gift indirectly

you are not alone

[Rose76]

I continue to feel good. My employer said they would likely have an assignment for me within 3 weeks. I get so encouraged at any hint that I am really going to be employed again. I will get depressed over something again. That's okay, as long as I can rally out of it.

[Rose76]

I continued to do well until yesterday. Today has been so awful. I am in despair. Tears were rolling down my cheek as the dentist was filling my tooth. I was not in any pain from the dental work. I was in such bad shape mentally. I have never had this happen at the dentist's office before. Rarely is it that I am unable to control my tears in public.

I was offered a possible job assignment. If I accept it, it wouldn't start for weeks. So I have time to consider what to do. I don't believe I would succeed at this assignment. No, that is not the depression talking. I am developing physical ailments. Most problematic is tendinitis in at least two places in my right arm.

I am truly physically limited in what I can do. I hold my mug of tea in my left hand. I turn the steering wheel with my left hand. I put the computer mouse to the left of the keyboard. I am not left-handed.

The last time I vacuumed my apartment, I was so sore afterwards. I thought it would be temporary. Maybe it will get better. I rest it as much as I can. Doing anything seems to make it worse. The assignment would involve quite strenuous physical activity. I am emotionally devastated by this. Sorry, if I sound like a baby. I know that I am very much a baby, when many have ailments so much worse. The tendinitis has come and gone for years. This is the first time that it feels so incapacitating.

A sibling telephoned me a few nights ago and said mean things to me. Why don't people who don't like me just choose to not be bothered with me? I will not accept such phone calls anymore.

A neighbor invited me in for a taste of something special. Another neighbor was there, also. The second neighbor made a remark that basically ridiculed me for my problems with depression. I am a very good neighbor. I did not deserve to be denigrated. I will not even bother trying to maintain a friendly demeanor toward people who are deliberately mean to me. I think there is something about me that makes people think I am fair game to be disrespected. I used to try to counter that by intensifying my efforts at being nice. I think I need to take a different approach.

Surely, I will recover. I always do. I did get so much done while I was well. My place looks so clean and nice. I decorated nicely for Christmas. It is some solace to me.

[Open Eyes]

((((Rose))))
Isn't there something you could take to help the tendonitis? Where are you feeling pain in your right hand? I am wondering if it might be carpel tunnel. I can get that as well from time to time and then I use the guard that can be worn and after a few nights my hand is so much better.

What kind of heavy work would you have to do in this job? I sure would like to see you work. Sometimes the anticipation can lead to saddness and anxiety. I can feel that way too but once I am in the job, and doing what I know best, I feel a lot better.

Open Eyes

[Rose76]

My elbow is a problem. I have medial and lateral epichondolitis in both arms. The slang terms are golfer's elbow for the medial (inner) elbow and tennis elbow for the lateral (outer) elbow. I never played golf or tennis, but many persons with these disorders haven't. My right elbow, laterally, has been sore a few weeks now. I have taken aspirin or Aleve, and I apply cold packs. Not using the elbow gives me total relief. The job is to take care of a young quadriplegic. I have a lot of experience with heavy duty nursing, and I used to like jobs that were very physical. It is unlikely that this would work out well for me. I haven't done this sort of heavy duty caregiving in a few years, and I have aged a lot during that time. (arthritis, etc.)

I don't know whether to just decline the assignment, or to go and see what happens. Some agencies really don't like a nurse to take an assignment and then walk away from it. It is also hard on the client and family. It makes them feel rejected.

I have something good to say. Last night by 10 PM, I had pulled myself out of depression. This morning I am in an okay state of mind. I had made so much progress, I don't want to backslide. I believe I can be alright, if I just keep doing things. I really am trying to change a longstanding pattern, and this morning - I succeeded. One day at a time, I will try.

Thank you for your post. I really want to not wimp out on things.

[TerryL]

Hi Rose--is there a way you can speak honestly about your feelings about your situation to your employer and see if they will let you go and see what it will be like as you mentioned? Perhaps let the person in need and his/her family in on the situation so if things don't work out they won't take it personally as being rejected?

[shezbut]

((Rose))

Not to be Ms. Paranoia, but I am concerned that you do have limits that you haven't really accepted yet. And this up & down about your job are just that. Like, you realistically know that you can't handle it --> anger and resentment. Then, you'll achieve in something physical --> thoughts that maybe you can do it after all --> hope and relief (with a nagging worry remaining).

I used to be a CNA, which I loved. It was physical and emotional, it was a passion of mine. I had to fight myself for my last 2 years of the job, because I couldn't do it anymore. I loved the job! I loved the people that I cared for!! But, I also could not keep up with the job mentally. It was extremely difficult for me to admit this, and even tougher to let go of the hope that I could eventually do it again. I just couldn't do it because my brain has limits now. They're lower than other people's, yes. It sucks, yes. But there ARE other things that I CAN do to enjoy work. Like: be a feeding assistant, or a bathing assistant, volunteer to be a friendly visitor, etc. The major change being that I can't do it all for one person or 15 different people anymore. It's too much for me to handle.

I hope that I haven't depressed you. Your words just kind of shouted out words that used to come from my own head, to get me through.

[Rose76]

Thanks TerryL. Yes, the agency said they can let me do a "Meet and Greet" before making a commitment. That sounds ideal, but I have to be careful not to appear as though I am client shopping with the intention of cherry-picking my assignments. That gets really frowned upon. Next Friday I get some more orientation to this agency's home care division. I'll get through that and then decide what to do next.

shezbut, I am really grateful for your post. I was a nurse's aide from age 17 to age 25. There was no certification back then; you just learned on the job from the old hands. What means a lot to me is that you have the experience to really know what is involved. In a facility (nursing home) this client would usually have two CNA's working together for a lot of the care. Also, I only get to make a visit, not work a normal length shift. That basically means working frantically at hard labor to squeeze in - well, you know the routine. There is transferring with the Hoyer, showering, bowel and bladder care, oral hygiene, skin care, dressing changes, range-of-motion exercises. Plus feeding and administering meds. Plus cleaning the clients room, ordering supplies, cleaning the bathroom and doing the dishes. The last time I did a shift with a quad, I Hoyer lifted him 7 times within 12 hours. The next day, I felt like I got hit by a truck. As an aide, I used to get 15 patients on the evening shift. Then as a nurse, I would get 30 to 45 patients on the evening shift. So I won't even go near facilities anymore. I've done home care since 2006. I was able to get ambulatory clients for 4 and 1/2 years who were in a special program. Since I left that agency, I am finding that most agencies have Medicaid and Medicare clients. For them to get home care they have to have serious needs. For them to qualify for a licensed nurse, they have to be pretty fragile. I am seriously thinking about trying to work as a companion. The wages would be low, but I don't need much to survive. I just want something I can succeed at. So I am in the process of applying to another agency that would use me as a non-medical home assistant. No, you haven't depressed me. I am almost 59 years old. You understand how doing heavy custodial care on a quad, plus all the skilled stuff, is really too much at my age. I would have all that labor, then, because I am a nurse, I would have to write an involved assessment every time I went to the home. I kind of don't even need to go there to know what the job involves. Sounds like you have been where I am and had to make decisions I am faced with. Volunteering would be lovely, but I have to earn to live. I am not married and I live alone. Because I got a raw deal when I was let go from the other agency last year, the state approved me for Unemployment Benefits. They will not last indefinitely. I am scared of what would happen to me then.

[roads]

I hear your fear, "What if I can't earn my living?" I share that fear, Rose. I'm 65 & am holding on for dear life to a part time job. For the past few years it seems not much time goes by at all that something doesn't happen, putting me in jeopardy yet again.

I have no insight to offer, as shezbut did. But I feel for you & send best thoughts. You clearly have much inner strength & willingness to honestly reassess--my guts say you are verging on a corner-turning. Don't ever give up on yourself.

[Zurian]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I was offered a possible job assignment. If I accept it, it wouldn't start for weeks. So I have time to consider what to do. I don't believe I would succeed at this assignment. No, that is not the depression talking. I am developing physical ailments. Most problematic is tendinitis in at least two places in my right arm.

I am truly physically limited in what I can do. I hold my mug of tea in my left hand. I turn the steering wheel with my left hand. I put the computer mouse to the left of the keyboard. I am not left-handed.

Obviously I am in no position to evaluate your physical condition, and I am not a doctor. But a doctor named John E. Sarno, whose field is rehabilitative medicine, has written several books arguing and documenting his claim that many severe musculoskeletal symptoms are *caused*, not made worse, but actually *caused* by psychological processes, specifically the repression of emotions we ourselves find unacceptable. This is in no way to trivialize your situation -- the mind is very clever and very powerful in its effects on the body. It's trying to help us out by doing this. And on a short-term basis, it may be preferable to have an aching back, or a case of tendonitis, than a strong feeling of anger at, say, your boss. Longer-term, the physical symptoms can be disabling rather than helpful, though. Dr. Sarno claims that after one 45-minute office visit and two one-hour lectures, 80-85% of his patients with the condition he calls TMS experience complete relief of their symptoms. Some people appear to experience relief without any intervention by a doctor, just by reading the books.

His claims may seem radical, but I find that he writes and reasons like a scientist, not like a huckster.

The way you describe your situation, your physical symptoms would stand in the way of your being able to make a change that would provide some relief of your psychological symptoms, so the brain's strategy is not an effective one for you.

Some people find that talking to "their brain,"and telling it that they know what it's doing, that it's the cause of the pain, is effective in getting the pain to stop, sometimes within minutes or hours. I think it helps a lot if you believe what you're saying, and reading the book(s) might help with that. The most recent, I think, is titled _The Mindbody Prescription_.

I'm in a fairly small city, but this book was available at the public library. It doesn't work for everyone, but 80-85% seems like a pretty good bet, and it's cheaper than most other options.

And I'm not telling you what to do (that would be ridiculous of me), just relating information that I have found helpful.

[Rose76]

My significant other started being nasty last time he came over to spend the weekend with me. He was criticizing me for something that was none of his business. I called him today and told him I won't want him coming over if that continues, Christmas or no Christmas.

One of my neighbors told me that another one of my neighbors is talking mean about me.

Then I have a relative that I got all stressed out about, which I posted elsewhere about.

I am to the point now where I do not feel lonely when I am in my apartment alone. That is progress for me. I am doing well at home now. I cleaned my place thoroughly and decorated nice for Christmas. I am so happy just with how nice I have fixed up everything. The only thing I want from the neighbors and the relatives and the significant other is that they just leave me alone, if they don't like me or how I live. My plan is to enforce that. I will just disengage with any of them who start getting inappropriate. It seems llike anyone with any common sense would know enough to do that and not make any announcements about it. Well, I have a severe lack of common sense sometimes. Even my father once told me, "For someone who reads as many books as you do, you're the dumbest person I know." He was being mean and I should not even recall that remark to my mind.

It is true that I lack some skills in preventing myself from getting into interactions with people that are not healthy for me. So I really do have to think it out carefully and make an actual plan of what I am going to do. I have to rehearse in my mind how to best respond to inappropriate overtures, so that I don't end up like a deer in the headlights.

I don't know why I am a magnet for these kinds of behaviors, but I am starting to figure it out. Once, when I was dating a guy, years ago, he actually told me that he noticed me at a nightspot because I looked like I would be the easiest person in the place to exploit. Actually, I'm not - as he did find out. (We sort of became friends.) But I do come across, apparently, as someone who will just tolerate anything. When I was a child, I was approached, inappropriately, by one of the local clergy. I was able to extricate myself from the situation and suffered no harm. I pretty much always do manage to extricate myself. The thing is - I would rather these things didn't even get started. I would rather be more able to "nip things in the bud" earlier. Too much of my time is being wasted. Too often, too many people have screwy ideas about what they can get away with in regards to how they treat me. (I'm talking some real screwy ideas. Also, lots of non-extreme ideas that are also wrong.)

[TerryL]

[quote=Rose76;2156521]

I don't know why I am a magnet for these kinds of behaviors, but I am starting to figure it out.

I pretty much always do manage to extricate myself. The thing is - I would rather these things didn't even get started. I would rather be more able to "nip things in the bud" earlier.

Hi Rose, maybe you could think more about your life strategy during your alone time and reinforce that inner strength that you have always had?

[Rose76]

Yes, Terry. What you suggest seems to be just precisely what I have been doing lately. That may explain why I haven't slipped into despondency as readily as these sort of stresses usually cause me to do. Well, that's not quite right. I have slipped, but not so far down. I'm finding that I'm figuring some big things out. That mental work is taking the place of the crying and the anguish of feeling unable to come up with a good plan of what to do. I've gotten teary several times today. I didn't tumble into the deep hole, though. Something has come to my mind that I think is important. Sometimes figuring out what not to do is what is really needed. I think I've figured out a lot about how I get sucked into stuff that wastes my time.

I've been trying to get relatives and neighbors and my significant other to care for me. I've been trying to figure out how to be the person who would be someone others would want to be supportive of. I've gotten more entangled in unpleasantness by frantically trying to reason out how I should behave and what I should do to be more successful in relationships. I've driven myself nuts thinking I had to figure out just the right thing to say. I had bought a little gift and written a nice note that I was going to give to the neighbor who has been complaining about me, hoping to pacify her - hoping to smooth her ruffled feathers. Maybe I'll still give it to her. Today, I decided that it really is not very important. Mainly, I will have more peace in my life, if I am just less involved with the neighbors. Or, rather, less mentally involved in taking notice of everything they project at me. I've been so busy reacting that I neglect focusing on how I want to act to address my goals.

Strategy implies planning on a big scale, as opposed to logistics, which are the detailed plans to accomplish the strategy. I get horrendously bogged down obsessing over the logistics, when I haven't even questioned the wisdom of what those maneuvers are supposed to be in the service of. I have things to address that are far more important than being the neighbor everyone approves of, or the sister or aunt or niece that everyone thinks is just what they want in a neighbor, sister, aunt, or niece - or girlfriend.

I would get so upset to think that any of these people had some sort of a complaint that I had fallen short of what I should be to them. I really don't owe any of them anything other than to be courteous, civil, and not intrude on them, or be disrespectful of them. Suddenly, and with a sense of liberation, I have been thinking hard that there is not much they offer me that I want. These dreams of having lovely relationships with people I meet randomly are futile dreams. If ,after a certain amount of trying over a reasonable amount of time, I find on-going unpleasant drama, why even bother obsessing. Why not just direct my attention elsewhere. I recently spent three hours on the phone listening to a drunken relative talk crazy. I don't think I'm going to do that again. She may have to find someone else to call when she is drunk. When neighbor A wanted to tell me what she heard about me from neighbor B, I could have just said "That's okay, I really don't need to hear what she said about me." Then there is the need to enforce those decisions. Like - me saying "It's good hearing from you, and we'll talk more another time. I have to go now - Good bye." Then hang up the stupid phone. Or after letting someone know I don't need to hear what they are just dying to tell me, say "Excuse me for a minute, I need to check something." And then just walk away. I've made life a lot harder and more complicated for myself than it has to be.

Thank you for mentioning about the "inner strength." I keep forgetting that I ever had any. Well, the fact of the matter is -- I did. At this stage of my life I need to be strong in a different way from how I was strong years ago. I got through some tough challenges and accomplished some good successes. Probably, I can again. It was better to think about looking at things differently than to just cry all day. So I guess today wasn't a waste.