[ThePainNeverDies]

I know I've not been around much and I apologise for that, but I needed some time away because I was trying to heal. Turns out I need this place more than ever now.

I'm finding it so hard to do anything but cry lately. If I'm not crying, I'm shaking with all the pent up emotion and with anxiety. I had a massage yesterday to get rid of a huge knot in my shoulder. It was massive. I only had to lie down and I'd yelp in pain. My massage therapist was amazing, he did an excellent job of it. He allllllllways does - absolute gem he is. But now, the damn thing's back already! It stings and it burns like a beast of a thing - it's horrid and I hate it It is SO painful.

But moreso than the shoulder pain, I'm feeling a hell of a lot of pain inside. My heart aches, my head hurts, my soul feels like it's falling to pieces. I feel like David (my Fiance) doesn't love me anymore, like he doesn't find me attractive anymore, like he doesn't even want to look at me, let alone touch me. I feel like I'm just stuck here. Little ol' me all on my own to deal with this ALONE. As I always have. But right now, I can't deal with it alone. I'm slipping back to the darker places again and if I slip anymore, I'll end up cutting and attempting suicide again. I DON'T want to go back to that. Ever. It's just not how I cope anymore. But I really don't know how I DO cope... I've never known how I get through the worst situations. I guess more than anything I just squish it all down inside in the hope that somehow it will just 'disappear'...

It NEVER works that way and I know I have to deal with this stuff, but this year, as much as it's a new, more positive year... It's a new, more difficult year. Because it's the year that symbolises 20 years since my Dad committed suicide and 10 years since my Foster Dad lost his battle to cancer. It will be 3 years since I lost a close friend and 2 years since I lost my best friend. It will also be 5 years since I was kicked out of my Adoptive home, strangled, slapped and pushed out of the door like I was a castaway and nothing more.

I try so, SO hard to keep on top of everything and to support everyone in my life like they want/need me to, but like I said - I'm struggling more than ever to hold on right now and I can't do it. I can't help anyone like I used to, I can't even deal with one person who ALWAYS has a problem, every single day a new problem, saying that he has a problem. I can't even listen to what peoples' woes are because I just sit there thinking 'I just want to die right now. I simply do not deserve to be here, listening to this person, trying to help them and failing. I cannot do this anymore. I cannot hold on any longer.'

There's a part of me that always glimmers hope, shines it in front of my eyes and begs me to please just keep going, please try again, please work it out, PLEASE DON'T DIE!!!!!! I don't know what that part is and I don't know WHY it keeps forcing me to suffer through this and just keep scrabbling around for something it seems will never be there!!!

I feel unloved, unwanted, uncared for, not listened to, not understood. It doesn't help that my other thread was completely pushed aside and ignored. Ok, I get I haven't been here for a while and I get I haven't supported many , but I'm trying my best and I'm sorry for not being around.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to do it and I don't know why I even SHOULD do it. Give me a reason? I just want to give in to all this. I've suffered for too long. Help?

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

...it's the year that symbolises 20 years since [painful loss] and 10 years since [another painful loss]. It will be 3 years since [another painful loss] and 2 years since [another painful loss]. It will also be 5 years since [violent rejection]...

A history of loss and rejection. I would tell you to try to be kind to yourself, but your life has poorly equipped you to be kind to yourself. Were I you, I'd be absolutely paranoid over more loss and rejection.

Somehow, you managed to reach an engaged level of commitment in a relationship. That's quite an accomplishment on the background of all you've experienced.

What substance lies behind your current powerful feelings?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Rohag, that's EXACTLY what I am, extremely paranoid over more loss and rejection. Horrifyingly so. So much so that I feel I have to reject others before they reject me, as soon as I start to feel like they're gonna reject me, I push them away and back off.

It is an accomplishment, the engagement. I proposed to David because I felt that he would be just the rock that I needed to keep me steady and so far, he has. He has his bad days too and we fall out for a few minutes but soon apologise and sort it out. We never have bad fall outs, we don't argue, we just disagree and go to separate places (physically or mentally) to calm down and finally come to an agreement of some sort. I understand that David struggles too and I know that I can be a blank sheet of paper sometimes when it comes to showing emotion so it's hard for David to tell that I'm not okay.

Usually it helps if he asks "Is it this?" Until I say yes or eventually just break and cry...

The substance lying behind them is that people are constantly relying on me, specifically one person. I've just told him that I cannot help him right now, that I need time to myself to deal with myself and heal, but he just will NOT listen! Plus, I feel alone with all my issues so in the end I just block them out and let them build up until I explode. Then I'm just a big mess like I am now.

My God, this kid will not listen to me no matter what I say

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

...people are constantly relying on me, specifically one person. ...

My God, this kid will not listen to me no matter what I say

I'm tempted to characterize this situation as "80/20": 80% of your current torment is due to 20% of your current involvements.

Please keep posting. I'm hoping some ideas will sprout regarding The Kid.

TPND

[ThePainNeverDies]

Well so far I have told him exactly how it is, told him to leave me alone because I need time to heal and to look after myself again. I did this with him last year and he accepted where he had gone wrong. But this time he realy doesn't seem to even see it, let alone accept it.

So last night, after his last message I ignored him. Twice. I just left his messages with no replies. Then he sent me another message not so long ago saying hey how are you and I seriously just wanted to scream. It's not just him that doesn't listen to me, but the fact that he is OBVIOUSLY not even considering what I'm saying, not listening one bit, makes me so angry! It makes me feel like maybe my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings aren't even worth thinking about, talking about, even acknowledging at all.

Everyone thinks I'm fine and dandy today, like everything's just blown over and gone away "awww she's alright now, she just needed a rant and a cry and now she's okay, she can take more dumping from us" But I can't. I CAN'T!
I wish that everything HAD just blown over and I WAS okay and just able to move on and get on with everything. I was able to do that during today's shoot, but now I'm back to where I was.

All I want to do right now is give in, give up. Just STOP. I don't know how else to do that, apart from to do what I used to do 16 months ago and I think we all know what that was. I'm such a mess at the moment, but I'm hiding it for everyone elses benefit. I'm scaring myself so badly, I haven't thought like this in over a year - why now? Just because I miss my Daddy? How childish of me..

I know I'm messing things up again, I know it. Maybe I'm just being ungrateful and not seeing what I actually DO have. Maybe I'm just a horrible, evil, nasty cow who needs to shut up and accept that I'm better off than some people. Maybe I just need to stop whinging and leave everyone to their own devices.

I don't know. More than anything right now, I feel abandoned. But at the same time I feel like being abandoned is all I deserve right now. In fact, to me it IS what I deserve, definitely. Because I'm nothing but a waste of space, time and energy. I don't deserve to be here at all. Right?

I'm stuck. Really stuck. I don't know what on Earth to do.

[TerryL]

[quote=ThePainNeverDies;2191439]

Just because I miss my Daddy? How childish of me..

I don't know. More than anything right now, I feel abandoned.

your feelings are not childish at all. Have you ever received any therapy for the affects your father's suicide might have had on you?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I've never really had specific therapy, it's all just been therapy and that's it. If the past comes up it comes up. Never had it specifically for dealing with my Dad's suicide or anything like that - does that make any sense?

Thanks for your reply

[vanessaG]

I'm so sorry your feeling so bad. I don't think it's childish at all for missing your dad. I secondly agree on therapy about your dad. My mom commited suicide and since I've been in therapy and just beginning to explore it I've realized there IS a lot there that I ignored? Did realize? That needs to come out, talked about & understood as much as it can be-for me at least.

I can relate to your feelings of hopelessness and why try... But I think that's so good that you can hold on to that glimmer of hope and keep holding on and keep trying. That's what I'm doing

Lots and lots of hugs to you, I could read the pain in your post and your not alone. Be kind to yourself

[Bmee2]

Painneverdies....
It just so happens that i am feeling very much like you. i am losing control. i do not want to intrude on your post but oh...oh how i feel so alone and lost and scared. i cannot kill myself, my mother is too dependent on me now that she is disabled. Trapped. No way out anymore. Depression is different this time and i am clueless as to how to cope.
Regardless of my woes, i would like to send you a safe hug in spirit . Perhaps if we hold on together we will get through this difficult time.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Never had it specifically for dealing with my Dad's suicide or anything like that

As VanessaG posted, I think when one's parent ends their life, it deals a great blow to the child's sense of self-worth (as mom/dad did not love me enough to stay around for me so I must be unlovable...)..and it might impair their ability to deal with life's trials as their foundation has been shaken. They don't understand that their parent was in so much pain that life was unbearable. They only sense abandonment. Perhaps it might help you to explore this some more?

[ThePainNeverDies]

The thing is, I was so young when my Dad committed suicide, I didn't really understand it. As far as I knew, my Foster Dad was my Dad and then my Adoptive Dad was my Dad. But then it started to get confusing as to why my Foster Dad wasn't my Dad anymore, does that make sense?

I had a complete melt down last night and became hysterical. I spoke to David about how I was feeling and in the end, he said something that struck a chord and got me to say how I was actually feeling. So I said (after taking ages to say it);

"I'd rather kill myself that feel everyday like I should kill myself or should have done it long ago. I'd rather do it than feel as awful, helpless and like the worst person in the World as I do every day."

His face dropped completely and the panic was obvious. He just didn't know what to say or do apart from hug me and then I just lost control and sobbed, howled because I was in such pain, hearing myself say it out loud how I was really feeling, seeing his reaction and feeling so SO stupid and selfish for thinking he didn't care about me at all. Of course he cares... He just has a lot of stress at work, has his own stuff to deal with and isn't really sure how to help me... I understand that now.

But today, as tired as I was (Sleepless nights - insomnia - are/is back), I got through it and actually enjoyed it. David met me from work and as I opened the car door, there sitting on the passenger seat was a big, beautiful bunch of flowers. With pale pink roses, gorgeous foliage and he'd even remembered my favourite flowers and requested them be put into the bouquet - tulips. I melted and a big smile spread across my face. Our friend Hazel was with us and she'd known all along that he'd planned it. She saw my face instantly light up and my heart swell, all the troubles somewhat dissipating. It was so lovely to be met with my favourite flowers and reminded how loved I am and how happy he wants to make me.

It's been a really stressful time, a really tiring, restless, sleepless time for me and I hate lying there in bed feeling so much pain in my heart, feeling my head pound and hearing David sleeping soundly next to me whilst I struggle with myself. I hate lying to him about how I'm really feeling, or keeping it from him, but I just don't want to pile it on him and make him stressed at home... Home is meant to be a place to relax, chill out and feel happier, more comfortable.

I told him exactly how I felt, about being touched, about the little things, about feeling hopeless and like I'm not myself anymore (once again!) I told him that I'm worried I'm losing myself again and that I'm messing everything up. He reminded me how far from the truth that is... New job, modelling career on the up, I'm handling myself better than I was before (not turning to self harm to cope even if it is hard not to), I have more friends, I go out and spend time with people more often, I plan for the future instead of seeing black nothingness and feeling hopeless about it.

I'm still struggling a hell of a lot, I'm really not out of the woods, nowhere near. I still feel almost as bad as I did - the flowers have helped to keep me going. David has also cooked the dinner tonight and is making tomorrow's lunch for me, just to take a few things off my hands because he can see how utterly shattered I am.

I'm so tired and feel so upset, so hurt, so alone with how I feel and what I'm thinking.. A friend thinks maybe I'm suffering with Bipolar Disorder because of how erratic my moods are but she also knows I'm far too good at hiding my own feelings. I'll be seeing my GP and a Pdoc about it because I know I need more help than I'm allowing myself...

So tired

[Rohag]

Dear TPND, as agonizing as it was, that meltdown may prove to be exceptionally valuable. I'm relieved at David's reaction and glad to learn you are planning to see both a GP and a pdoc...

because I know I need more help than I'm allowing myself...

Wisdom & Insight!

[TerryL]

[quote=ThePainNeverDies;2193684]

The thing is, I was so young when my Dad committed suicide, I didn't really understand it.

Oh ok.

As far as I knew, my Foster Dad was my Dad and then my Adoptive Dad was my Dad. But then it started to get confusing as to why my Foster Dad wasn't my Dad anymore, does that make sense?

Yes, I can see how confusing that must have been.

he said something that struck a chord and got me to say how I was actually feeling.

That's great. It's not easy revealing our true selves. Good for you!

.. He just has a lot of stress at work, has his own stuff to deal with and isn't really sure how to help me... I understand that now.

That is great communication.

I hate lying to him about how I'm really feeling, or keeping it from him, but I just don't want to pile it on him and make him stressed at home... Home is meant to be a place to relax, chill out and feel happier, more comfortable.

You are very considerate. Yet, besides being a sanctuary, home can also be a place where you can be yourself, to let it all hang out. It doesn't have to be drama, can just be talking to each other. His stresses, your stresses..might even deepen your bond?

I'll be seeing my GP and a Pdoc about it because I know I need more help than I'm allowing myself...

You are on the right path, just keep trying. I wish you well.

[gma45]

You sound like a really kind person that takes care of everyone else. Be good to yourself you deserve it! I hate that feeling like a black cloud just landed on you and won't let up, the good thing is it does pass! Try and think good thoughts. I am sending positive thoughts your way and hugs you are not alone. (((((((ThePainNeverDies)))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for repying. It really does mean a lot to me.

Unfortunately tonight, I'm frazzled, absolutely exhausted and don't have much of a brain to speak of (lol) so I'll reply properly tomorrow.

and to you all

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm so sorry I haven't replied properly until now. I have had SUCH hectic week. The weekend, I was busy shooting both days and stayed over at a photographer friend's house where my partner had an asthma attack so he had to go to hospital. That was a manic weekend.

This week so far has been full of the finishing touches of training in my new job and it's been easier than last week was. Today I took my first call, made my first booking and made my first upsell. It's been tiring. I've crashed completetly and I cannot stop crying, hurting, feeling weak, unhappy and tired. I feel like everyone is leaning on me and I'm breaking under their weight. David's not being paid by his current employers because some damned idiot spent the last £5,000 on a client, which was meant to be used for wages, so now the company has NO money despite David bringing £23,000 in last week. ARGH! So me in my new job, being paid for the two weeks I've worked so far, doesn't have enough to cover all our rent and bills PLUS debts that I'm trying to pay off.

Now our cats have fleas again, we've completely decontaminated the flat and done their flea treatments, but the fleas aren't yet dead. We've so far found 2 live ones, one on each cat and a dead one. It's awful! I really can't do this anymore. I feel disgusting, I feel guilty, I'm angry, I'm upset. I feel terrible for the cats suffering so badly - my other cats NEVER had fleas so why these two? Because the last owner never f**king bothered with flea treatments, that's why!!!! ARRRRRGGHHHHHH!!!

I'm so worried about money, so worried about time, so worried about life in general. I swear as soon as I get paid a full wage, those cats will be in the vets having a full blown flew treatment and we'll be fully exterminating the flat of those vile things. A friend suggested just throwing out our sofa but we don't have the money for a new one - plus we just thoroughly cleaned it. God I feel terrible This week has started so badly and it seems it can only get worse right now. I just want to give up. I keep wondering how David would get on without me here even just for a week.

He's so used to his Mother doing everything for him that he seems to think that it's my duty to carry on with that and make his breakfast, remind him of daily things he needs to do, make his lunch and even after a long day at work from 8-6, make him dinner PLUS wash up, PLUS sew this duvet for his Cousin's baby which I'd wanted to start TWO months ago, PLUS listen to him whinge about how he didn't paint his models last night for this weekend's competition because of the cats' fleas. For Goodness' sake, just how much more CAN I, WILL I take!?!?!?!

Please help... I'm falling and I cannot stop..

[TerryL]

You have so much on your plate...have you had a chance to meet with your T or pdoc yet?

can't trigger the already triggered...

I am trying to bring myself undone

cos I am so tired with fighting

fighting to stay alive

well that died in the butt!

[SoupDragon]

ThePainNeverDies - just wanted to say I am thinking of you - Soup

[ThePainNeverDies]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support - they've helped me no end. I haven't been around much, I know. I've been really bogged down with stuff. Work's busy and my training has been put on hold because someone else needs MORE training, so I'm being thrown in at the deep end with less training which is frustrating.

As for home being a sanctuary and a place to be ourselves, yes, it really is but I guess it depends on who you're with and how you're feeling at the time.

I'm still not much better, still finding daily life hard to cope with and I'm feeling more bogged down than ever with everything. So many people are giving me so much to think about and having 2 jobs is making everything quite difficult, this weekend has been the first in a month that I've had to myself - a full weekend. As of tomorrow, I'll not have a weekend free until March and even then I know those weekends will probably get booked up now, too.

I love my jobs, especially modelling, I can't complain. But at the same time, other people, friends, family etc, want me to stretch myself too far - they're all nagging me to go visit them, to do things for them, to organise things for them. I organised a photo shoot for my friend for his promotional pictures and art work for his album. He's really pleased with the images, which makes me happy. But whilst doing that, my Mother had another stroke and I knew nothing about it... Just because I was too busy to call her and because she told my siblings not to tell me because she didn't want to worry me, knowing I have so much on my plate.

When I DID find out after calling her yesterday, I felt like the World's worst Daughter. What kind of Daughter doesn't call her Mum every week when she's sick, to check that she's even ALIVE. I was lucky this time that Mum didn't die from it - who's to say next time - the 4th stroke in 2 years, won't be her last? It worries me so much and I feel rotten for not keeping in contact with the more often.

On top of that, I'm really unsure of myself and as much as I want to ask for support, I just don't get the time. My time is spent at work, modelling, helping friends or organising things for fundraising - anything that means I'm too busy to think about myself. It's terrible and I know I need to stop that, but most of the time, my working patterns don't allow me to go and see my GP or Pdoc. It's impossible and it's even harder to accept help when it's offered because I'm so worried that they'll all think my issues are nothing and that I'm just a whinging teenager being ungrateful about her life which is perfect.

Sorry, I'm having a really rough time right now and I just cannot decide what is right for me at the moment.

[Fluke]

Can relate to the feeling of not being able to do it all. At the moment I am not doing anything. I was diag. with bipolar I 3 years ago. Have been on every med possible. Very ill. Have changed pdoc and she thought I may have been misdiag. and have BPD. My main concern is depression, I have attempted suicide 3x., it comes upon me so fast. Starting with anxiety, then turning into all of the negative things about myself and what I can't do. Thank goodness I do have clonzepam that does calm me down, but for me thats not the answer. I want a life. I am 48 and half the time my Mom has to sleep over with me. ok that is starting to depress me so I'm not going there, but you get the picture. Because of my bipolar diag. they won't prescribe anti-depressants as it is supposed to be bad. Although the only one that is half way acceptable is wellbutrin. I am trying it, but no luck.

Anyone out there with any experience, strength, hope anything...

[TerryL]

I was lucky this time that Mum didn't die from it - who's to say next time - the 4th stroke in 2 years, won't be her last? It worries me so much and I feel rotten for not keeping in contact with the more often.

You are a good daughter, just caught up in the business of life. But you can change things from now on if you wish to. It's not too late.

I'm too busy to think about myself.

You really should. You deserve it very much.

I'm so worried that they'll all think my issues are nothing and that I'm just a whinging teenager being ungrateful about her life which is perfect.

You feel how you feel, at any age. Do stay true to your belief that you need help.

I just cannot decide what is right for me at the moment.

Just take care of yourself first. It all starts with you dear.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I am caught up in the business of life, but that's still no excuse... Mum should be more important than anything. I have changed things now, I'll be calling her every week to check that she's ok.

If I'm too busy to think about my own Mother, then I'm definitely far too busy to think about myself. I try to but a lot of the time, others want me to be there to help them, so I forget me and carry on helping everyone else. I know I shouldn't but it's my way of coping I suppose.

I'll believe that I need help until I feel fully myself again and that's going to take ages. It's going to take ages just to get the help I want because no-one so far has taken me seriously. It's frustrating, knowing that I'm struggling so much but the people who are there to help just don't take me seriously, they seem to think I'm just being melodramatic.

I honestly don't know how to take care of myself..

Today has been a really stressful day, I've been promised 3 times that my team leader will come and have a one to one with me. Three times she's let me down because someone else 'needed' training. She let me down again today despite scheduling me in last week, purely because someone else wanted a meeting with her. She must have sat with me for all of 3 minutes before I was left to my own devices again.

I was due to go 'live' today, start doing my job with no help. I DID go live today, but I was anxious, horribly anxious because I've had almost no input from her, so I feel like I've just been left out in the cold. I'm terrified of making mistakes. Not just in my job, but in life in general. I'm a perfectionist, I HAVE to get everything right, I HAVE to do better than everyone else, I HAVE to do better than even I think I can. If i make a mistake, I get even more anxious, I beat myself up for it, I dread others coming to me and saying 'you messed up, now you're in trouble.' I worry so much.

I'm generally an anxious person but at the moment, I'm more anxious than I remember ever being before - I'm a horrible, shaking mess.
I had a few dreams last night. In the first, I found an old favourite jumper and it was like brand new, so I wore it all the time. In the second one, I found a yellow and black vase that had broken. The top had chipped, a massive chunk had been chipped off the top and on the opposite side on the bottom, the same had happened. Leaning against it also broken, was a glass statue of a (I think?) cat, that had caused this vase to break as it fell off a surface..
In the last was one I really didn't want to have, one I couldn't stop thinking about. It was a dream about the person who attacked me, coming back to get me like he said he would. Sneaking into my room at night, following me on the street, hiding at work and following me there. Eurgh. Now I can't shake the fear. I smile and laugh at work but inside, the anxiety leaves me tired and falling asleep by lunch time. It's awful

I'm so scared of myself, of others, of life, of mistakes, terrified of everything and it's tearing me apart.

What is wrong with me???

[TerryL]

It's going to take ages just to get the help I want because no-one so far has taken me seriously.

When you say no one has taken you seriously, do you mean the people around you or the doctor(s)? You mentioned you were a teenager..but are you of legal age to act on your own behalf? I'm not sure what social services are available in the UK but perhaps others on PC who are in the UK might have some suggestions on how to seek help.

I'm terrified of making mistakes. Not just in my job, but in life in general. I'm a perfectionist, I HAVE to get everything right, I HAVE to do better than everyone else, I HAVE to do better than even I think I can. If i make a mistake, I get even more anxious, I beat myself up for it, I dread others coming to me and saying 'you messed up, now you're in trouble.' I worry so much.

There could be an underlying reason for this perfectionism. That is certainly worth delving into as it is affecting you so negatively.

It was a dream about the person who attacked me, coming back to get me like he said he would.

I don't know the details of that situation but it sounds extremely traumatic, and another thing that you might want to talk about with a T if you haven't already.

What is wrong with me???

You know what you need and you are not getting it. Your mind is telling you (actually screaming at you) that you need help. I really hope you can find a good counselor of some sort soon. and please post as often as you need to vent. We'll do our best to help you.