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#1
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I really feel like i can't go on another day. I can't take it. I am being harrassed in my own home, the landlords don't want me here and they are doing everything they can to make sure i'm miserable every day all day. My bf does nothing. He does not stand up for me he does not get angry that i'm being harrassed. He worries about everyone in his family and will jump through hoops to help them, defend them, cater to them. But me he has nothing to say. I feel stuck. I have nobody, no children, my parents are dead, my siblings act like i don't exist, i've lost most of my friends because i push them away because i'm depressed and miserable and ashamed of myself and mylife. Recently i bumped into one of the friends i made while working and she wants us to get together with the other girls and i'm worried about what i'm going to say if i go with them. My life is a mess. I'm on disability, i don't want to tell them that. Nothing good has happened. Things have gone down hill since i last saw them. What the heck do i say? I am so miserable and i feel like i have nobody and i belong nowhere. I hate living here, the landlords don't want me here and my bf and i are not getting along, i'm sick of not being a priority in his life. I feel very vulnerable and i'm concerned. I don't want to be in this house anymore with him and the landlords upstairs. I don't want to be here but i can't move. I have no money and no means. I really want to jump the hell off a bridge. Its not a suicide note ok, i'm not doing it, but i want to. I just am expressing how hopeless and miserable i am right now. What do you do when you feel you have no one on your side and you don't feel like you belong anywhere? What do you do???
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![]() f.reliant, Idiot17, jkristana, NotAnotherDay, whimsygirl
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#2
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![]() anjelmarie
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#3
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I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can relate that. Sometimes circumstances are not in our favour and we feel miserable. All I try to do is to avoid using worthless words for myself. Instead say I'm great, I can handle everything. Though these words will seem ******** to you for the moment but they can console you to some extent. When you feel low and also condemn yourself, you wish to just kill yourself at spot. We make ourself feel worthless and just we can make ourself feel worth living.
Wish you well... |
![]() anjelmarie
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#4
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Sweetie, you say your siblings act as tho "you don't exist." Have YOU contacted them? Perhaps they think YOU don't want anything to do with THEM. It takes two to have contact. Maybe they're waiting for you to make the first move!
Can you call one of them and ask if you can perhaps stay there? Hon, if you feel that strongly about wanting to get out of there, call one of them and ask for help. They are FAMILY, and family sticks together. Would YOU let one of them stay with YOU if they were in trouble? I would bet that you would. ![]() Why are you ashamed to be on disability? There is no SHAME in that! Why should there be? If someone is on disability, there is a legitimate reason! It's no different than having diabetes, or something like that! I've been on disability since about 1995, or something like that --- my spine took a dump and I can't work anymore. I'd RATHER be working, but I can't stand - or sit - for any length of time. And the only job you can get laying down is one that i'd RATHER not do! LOL ![]() Call one of your siblings. Since your bf doesn't acknowledge you, you won't miss him anyway, right? Get out of there, and go where you will have more peace of mind. God bless hon, and please keep us posted, Hugs, Lee ![]() |
![]() anjelmarie
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#5
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My family is not close at all. We especially became more estranged after my mom died. Well my brother and sister became closer but estranged from me. They have guilt from making the decision to take my mom off life support knowing i didn't support that. They didn't tell me they were doing it and called me when she was already dying and was going fast. I had to run over to the hospital to try to see her. I asked to be left alone with her and my sister hesitated until i said i'm not going to ask her to hang on. She said ok and left. After that they barely talked to me and my sister had a chip on her shoulder and my brother looked guilty. I finally reached out to them after 2 years and wrote them both letters, i did not get responses. I continued to send emails and i called my brother on his birthday. I get along a little better with him. My sister has a chip on her shoulder and is always angry and wanting to blame people for things. Anyway i went up there (they live 2 states away), this past christmas to stay with my neice for the week of christmas and it did not go well. My neice acted like i was bothering her even though she invited me and we got into an argument over the way she kept yelling at her son for no reason. My sister acted like she wanted us to hang out while i was there (that was on xmas day) Then when i called her the next day she seemed to have forgotten and acted like she had to fit me in to her schedule(and she was on vacation that week). My brother was working and i guess couldn't come by. My neice lived close by to the both of them by the way. My neice doesn't have a car and neither do i so we were stuck in her house and she didn't have enought food and was running out of things and my sister acted like she didn't want to take us to the store, she was complaining about it and didn't want her husband to do it either i could not believe her attitude. I didn't even feel like asking anyone to take me to the train station when i left. I felt disgusted and saddened that i hadn't seen them in almost 5 years and they acted like i was in the way and they had no time for me. I felt right then and there like i had no one. My bf claims to love me but his actions just don't prove it. I feel totally alone. I did call my excoworker who i was friends with and told her i wanted to see all of them but i have not been doing well since i left that job and i was worried about having to answer questions about what i have been doing. I haven't heard back from her. I texted one friend of mine and let her know i was not doing well and she said she wish she had room for me to stay with her. To be honest i don't want to stay with anyone because i have done that before with family and a friend once and i felt like a burden. If i can't have my own space and be able to take care of myself, i rather just not be here. And thats just how i feel. My T tries to tell me that she would be hurt if i took my life and so would my bf and others but even if thats true no one can do anything right now to help me. I'm in pain and no one can help me, all anyone can say is don't kill yourself we will miss you. Really? Then why aren't you doing anything to help me want to stick around!!! THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE POST ITS JUST HOW I FEEL! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO MAKE ANY SUICIDE THREATS EVERYTIME I LOG ON, I AM NOT SAYING I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF I AM JUST EXPRESSING MY PAIN!
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![]() Idiot17
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#6
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((((anjelmarie)))
i am so sorry everything seems so hopeless right now and you are all alone... ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() anjelmarie
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#7
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This link helped me. I looked it up for a friend who I was trying to help, but it ended up helping me with my own feelings of foolishness residual to my bouts with suicidal thoughts. But I haven't posted enough to add a link.
![]() So. Google suicide hotlines and under suicide hotlines dot com click the sub heading for Texas. At the top of the page there's a link that says "Why Live?" I found it to be quite informative. I do not vouch for accuracy, but it made us feel better, and that was the goal! |
![]() anjelmarie
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#8
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#9
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well i guess it was too much information and too overwhelming for anyone to comment. I feel like crap from not getting any responses from my so called friends and family so i come here hoping for some understanding and and support and i usually get it. I guess this time i have gone too deep and no one knows what to say. I have a bad habit of doing that and i have pushed many people away because of it. I guess even on here i have the same affect on people.
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#10
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Guess i'm right, i have worn out my welcome here. Sorry if i depressed anyone any more than they already are. I'll stop posting since i'm such a downer. Wow, I can't believe i have managed to push away people on a mental health forum. That sure says alot about me. Thanks for the responses you have given while i've been a member.
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![]() whimsygirl
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#11
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Well i feel the same way: why do ppl tell you not to kill yourself but then they dont actually help you. It drives me crazy, though i am already. I too have tried several ways for others to help me however i was almost always brushed of or criticized. I have no advice for you, im too suffering. All i can say is that you're not tge only one- if that helps you. Hope youre okay, and trying to keep safe. Gluck with your struggles. Did you try the link brownie gave?
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![]() anjelmarie
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#12
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I don't think you've pushed people away...at least you haven't pushed me away. I suspect that most of the people who post in this forum are either depressed, in remission, or want to help people with depression.
In a forum on depression it is easy to find an audience who will agree with what you are feeling. Read the responses in other threads - there are so many that say, "I'm feeling just like you are"...it's so hard with forums that are not moderated to find people that will be truly empathic... But do not give up. There is someone in the world who cares about you. There is someone in the world who would miss you terribly if you were gone. There is not now, nor will there ever be, anyone else in the world who is just like you. Find one thing that you can be thankful for, even if it is something as small as having access to a computer, the ability to type, and the awareness that there is someone in the world who is reading your posts. I am hopeful that it will get better for you. Personally, I have found corresponding with the anonymous (but helpful) folks at www.samaritans.org useful. When I used to journal to myself about depression, I found myself getting deeper into depression. Now when I write to the folks at the samaritans, they ask questions that force me to think. Best wishes... |
![]() anjelmarie, whimsygirl
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#13
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Oh anjelmarie....I hope so much that you have not left this site already, and that possibly you may see this. Whether anything about this will matter to you right now I don't know, but I really need to try. I wish with all my heart that I could reach out and give you a huge hug right now, and tell you that whether I know you or not....I DO care, and so do others. I understand that it can add to your pain when you express so much of what you're going through, and people do not respond. (Of course that doesn't mean that they might not do so at a later time.) I was not doing well at all this morning, and posted something....so far no one has said anything, and I can't lie that I've felt a little disappointed. However....and I say this with a tremendous amount of caring....perhaps it might help you to remember that many, many people here are suffering greatly, and sometimes there's just not enough words to go around. As I imagine you know, depression can make you feel so empty that sometimes you feel like you can't even get yourself to do something that might otherwise seem so simple, like typing a response. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. I know one person (me) who does, and I say with total confidence that there are more. I would like to offer you my friendship, (will send a request), and send you the warmest of wishes.....
Last edited by whimsygirl; Jun 16, 2012 at 02:37 PM. Reason: just wanted to change a few words |
![]() anjelmarie
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#14
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![]() anjelmarie
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#15
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Hi there, I feel like absolute **** too we might get on ha. Sorry to hear bout your pain, I feel the same. Nobody to talk to
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![]() anjelmarie
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#16
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![]() whimsygirl
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![]() whimsygirl
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#17
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#18
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#19
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Thank you for responding and for your support. I'm sorry you are feeling the same way. It does suck. I hope things get better for you. You can PM me to talk anytime. I just have to remember to check because i usually come to the message boards and get off i forget to check notifications. I will try to though. Good luck to you and thanks again.
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#20
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I don't wanna jump off a bridge either, I thought about it once a few years ago, but I didn't do it, back then I was too lusty for a guy to even try to do it then. I wasn't depressed then at all. I thought about it before I had the chance, just I never took that chance. I don't advice anyone to, not saying it's that bad of a thing to do to solve your problems, but I strongly believe one who does that will go to hell. We have no proof if hell exists or not. Part of me strongly believes there is a hell though. I have no friends either. I felt I never got support from any other person in my life, like your guy-friend is like to you. We are not the first ones, and we won't be the last. We exist because we are creatures with feelings. I also don't have the money to leave really, I feel stuck and very overwhelmed with my life right now. I have a million possibilities in my head of what I could do with my life in the future, but I don't know which one to pursue. I believe, things will be the same no matter where we go, unless you and I; and people like us; can just go to our own planet, but so far that planet is not found yet and it's so far away we can't travel with means or enough money for that trip (to another planet). The whole world is going to act like this to us the same way no matter where we go. We have to realize that. I moved 3-4 times and I see a pattern, people find me an easy target to treat like garbage. It's me on the inside. You on the inside. And there is no way we can be changed, but we must be accepted. It is a shame we have to fight for our individuality. Think of it as them being jealous of us being such truly unique individuals. I pray I die of cancer soon, that's what I do. ![]() Last edited by wanttoheal; Jun 18, 2012 at 10:53 PM. Reason: added trigger icon |
![]() anjelmarie
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#21
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Hi Angelmarie,
Please do not give up. I understand you are on disability; however, you can make some money and it will not affect your eligibility. Three websites exist in which you can earn legit money working online. I suppose you will have to email me so that I may tell you about them since the rules are against me posting them. Not only will this give you a better sense of accomplishment but also perhaps a way out of your terrible situation. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!! You can do it. Just take it one day at a time! ![]() |
#22
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#23
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