Can't take it anymore, i have had it!

I really feel like i can't go on another day. I can't take it. I am being harrassed in my own home, the landlords don't want me here and they are doing everything they can to make sure i'm miserable every day all day. My bf does nothing. He does not stand up for me he does not get angry that i'm being harrassed. He worries about everyone in his family and will jump through hoops to help them, defend them, cater to them. But me he has nothing to say. I feel stuck. I have nobody, no children, my parents are dead, my siblings act like i don't exist, i've lost most of my friends because i push them away because i'm depressed and miserable and ashamed of myself and mylife. Recently i bumped into one of the friends i made while working and she wants us to get together with the other girls and i'm worried about what i'm going to say if i go with them. My life is a mess. I'm on disability, i don't want to tell them that. Nothing good has happened. Things have gone down hill since i last saw them. What the heck do i say? I am so miserable and i feel like i have nobody and i belong nowhere. I hate living here, the landlords don't want me here and my bf and i are not getting along, i'm sick of not being a priority in his life. I feel very vulnerable and i'm concerned. I don't want to be in this house anymore with him and the landlords upstairs. I don't want to be here but i can't move. I have no money and no means. I really want to jump the hell off a bridge. Its not a suicide note ok, i'm not doing it, but i want to. I just am expressing how hopeless and miserable i am right now. What do you do when you feel you have no one on your side and you don't feel like you belong anywhere? What do you do???

i'm sorry. i know what it's like to have nothing good to say about your life when your friends are doing great, and feel just plain hopeless about everything.

i wish i had an answer for you, but i'm sorry, i'm searching for the answer myself. it's a hell. being blamed and alienated by everyone. i just hope that you find happiness one day. until then,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can relate that. Sometimes circumstances are not in our favour and we feel miserable. All I try to do is to avoid using worthless words for myself. Instead say I'm great, I can handle everything. Though these words will seem ******** to you for the moment but they can console you to some extent. When you feel low and also condemn yourself, you wish to just kill yourself at spot. We make ourself feel worthless and just we can make ourself feel worth living.
Wish you well...

Sweetie, you say your siblings act as tho "you don't exist." Have YOU contacted them? Perhaps they think YOU don't want anything to do with THEM. It takes two to have contact. Maybe they're waiting for you to make the first move!

Can you call one of them and ask if you can perhaps stay there? Hon, if you feel that strongly about wanting to get out of there, call one of them and ask for help. They are FAMILY, and family sticks together. Would YOU let one of them stay with YOU if they were in trouble? I would bet that you would.

Why are you ashamed to be on disability? There is no SHAME in that! Why should there be? If someone is on disability, there is a legitimate reason! It's no different than having diabetes, or something like that! I've been on disability since about 1995, or something like that --- my spine took a dump and I can't work anymore. I'd RATHER be working, but I can't stand - or sit - for any length of time. And the only job you can get laying down is one that i'd RATHER not do! LOL

Call one of your siblings. Since your bf doesn't acknowledge you, you won't miss him anyway, right? Get out of there, and go where you will have more peace of mind. God bless hon, and please keep us posted, Hugs, Lee

My family is not close at all. We especially became more estranged after my mom died. Well my brother and sister became closer but estranged from me. They have guilt from making the decision to take my mom off life support knowing i didn't support that. They didn't tell me they were doing it and called me when she was already dying and was going fast. I had to run over to the hospital to try to see her. I asked to be left alone with her and my sister hesitated until i said i'm not going to ask her to hang on. She said ok and left. After that they barely talked to me and my sister had a chip on her shoulder and my brother looked guilty. I finally reached out to them after 2 years and wrote them both letters, i did not get responses. I continued to send emails and i called my brother on his birthday. I get along a little better with him. My sister has a chip on her shoulder and is always angry and wanting to blame people for things. Anyway i went up there (they live 2 states away), this past christmas to stay with my neice for the week of christmas and it did not go well. My neice acted like i was bothering her even though she invited me and we got into an argument over the way she kept yelling at her son for no reason. My sister acted like she wanted us to hang out while i was there (that was on xmas day) Then when i called her the next day she seemed to have forgotten and acted like she had to fit me in to her schedule(and she was on vacation that week). My brother was working and i guess couldn't come by. My neice lived close by to the both of them by the way. My neice doesn't have a car and neither do i so we were stuck in her house and she didn't have enought food and was running out of things and my sister acted like she didn't want to take us to the store, she was complaining about it and didn't want her husband to do it either i could not believe her attitude. I didn't even feel like asking anyone to take me to the train station when i left. I felt disgusted and saddened that i hadn't seen them in almost 5 years and they acted like i was in the way and they had no time for me. I felt right then and there like i had no one. My bf claims to love me but his actions just don't prove it. I feel totally alone. I did call my excoworker who i was friends with and told her i wanted to see all of them but i have not been doing well since i left that job and i was worried about having to answer questions about what i have been doing. I haven't heard back from her. I texted one friend of mine and let her know i was not doing well and she said she wish she had room for me to stay with her. To be honest i don't want to stay with anyone because i have done that before with family and a friend once and i felt like a burden. If i can't have my own space and be able to take care of myself, i rather just not be here. And thats just how i feel. My T tries to tell me that she would be hurt if i took my life and so would my bf and others but even if thats true no one can do anything right now to help me. I'm in pain and no one can help me, all anyone can say is don't kill yourself we will miss you. Really? Then why aren't you doing anything to help me want to stick around!!! THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE POST ITS JUST HOW I FEEL! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO MAKE ANY SUICIDE THREATS EVERYTIME I LOG ON, I AM NOT SAYING I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF I AM JUST EXPRESSING MY PAIN!

((((anjelmarie)))
i am so sorry everything seems so hopeless right now and you are all alone...

This link helped me. I looked it up for a friend who I was trying to help, but it ended up helping me with my own feelings of foolishness residual to my bouts with suicidal thoughts. But I haven't posted enough to add a link.
So. Google suicide hotlines and under suicide hotlines dot com click the sub heading for Texas. At the top of the page there's a link that says "Why Live?"
I found it to be quite informative. I do not vouch for accuracy, but it made us feel better, and that was the goal!

Thanks, i'll check it out but i am so broken down and feeling like there is no hope and no options that i don't know how much it will help. I hope it is not to show me pictures of suicide victims to shock me into not doing it because i will freak out, i do not like to see gory pictures, not even fake ones on tv or in the movies. I did watch that documentary about the golden gate bridge where people go to jump to their deaths. I just felt bad for the people that jumped because i know that feeling of this is all i can do, i give up. Its such a horrible thing to feel and i do feel for people who have lost loved ones to suicide because i know i would not want to have to go through that, but on the other hand when you are in such pain and you just want it to stop and no one can make it stop it is very difficult to continue to go on even if people tell you its temporary and things change, you don't believe it, and for me i don't feel i have time to wait around for change. I don't want to live this life i'm living and i have no where to go and no way to really support myself, i do not get enough from disability to live on my own. Right now being in a small apartment with a man who i look at and don't know anymore and who right now disgusts me is just not tolerable for me. And then to have to be harrassed by the people upstairs all day every day is just too much for anyone to take. Plus i'm not well i just went today for my first remicade treatment for crohns disease that was in remission for a few years and has returned and i have fibromyalgia which makes me feel so miserable, and a bunch of other ailments all of them making me feel tired all the time and in pain and i have no energy to do anything. Plus the many meds i take and all of the side effects just doesn't help. I can't even take a nap or relax in peace in my own home. I'm sorry for going on and on but i have no one to vent to. I used to try telling my few friends that i thought i could trust but they were overwhelmed by it all i guess. They would just not even respond and that just hurt me so much. Thats why i distanced myself from people because i felt like i was making them uncomfortable when i talked about what was going on with me and yet i didn't feel like always lying and saying oh everything is great. I think i just scared away my excoworker who wanted to get together because i haven't heard from her yet and i know she had to get my message. I didn't think it was that depressing but then who knows how i sounded being in the state that i'm in. I feel hurt when people either get annoyed and say, well everybody has problems you just have to keep going, or they get quiet and don't respond and then distance themselves from you. I feel like that is not a true friend. Anyway at the hospital today i was sitting in the room alone and i just thought about my life and cried. I didn't have the tv on, i just sat there and thought what am i going to do with myself. I have no idea, i feel i have no options. Stay where i am and risk going insane and maybe blowing up at the people upstairs or my bf or both or ... I won't say it because it will be deleted. I did however order a book about a woman who's fiance kills himself and she then became suicidal and she shares how she got through it. So i guess i am trying to hang in there. I just feel totally alone in this though, and that really sucks. Thanks for letting me let it all out on here and for responding. I really do appreciate it.

well i guess it was too much information and too overwhelming for anyone to comment. I feel like crap from not getting any responses from my so called friends and family so i come here hoping for some understanding and and support and i usually get it. I guess this time i have gone too deep and no one knows what to say. I have a bad habit of doing that and i have pushed many people away because of it. I guess even on here i have the same affect on people.

Guess i'm right, i have worn out my welcome here. Sorry if i depressed anyone any more than they already are. I'll stop posting since i'm such a downer. Wow, I can't believe i have managed to push away people on a mental health forum. That sure says alot about me. Thanks for the responses you have given while i've been a member.

Well i feel the same way: why do ppl tell you not to kill yourself but then they dont actually help you. It drives me crazy, though i am already. I too have tried several ways for others to help me however i was almost always brushed of or criticized. I have no advice for you, im too suffering. All i can say is that you're not tge only one- if that helps you. Hope youre okay, and trying to keep safe. Gluck with your struggles. Did you try the link brownie gave?

I don't think you've pushed people away...at least you haven't pushed me away. I suspect that most of the people who post in this forum are either depressed, in remission, or want to help people with depression.

In a forum on depression it is easy to find an audience who will agree with what you are feeling. Read the responses in other threads - there are so many that say, "I'm feeling just like you are"...it's so hard with forums that are not moderated to find people that will be truly empathic...

But do not give up. There is someone in the world who cares about you. There is someone in the world who would miss you terribly if you were gone. There is not now, nor will there ever be, anyone else in the world who is just like you. Find one thing that you can be thankful for, even if it is something as small as having access to a computer, the ability to type, and the awareness that there is someone in the world who is reading your posts.

I am hopeful that it will get better for you. Personally, I have found corresponding with the anonymous (but helpful) folks at www.samaritans.org useful. When I used to journal to myself about depression, I found myself getting deeper into depression. Now when I write to the folks at the samaritans, they ask questions that force me to think.

Best wishes...

Oh anjelmarie....I hope so much that you have not left this site already, and that possibly you may see this. Whether anything about this will matter to you right now I don't know, but I really need to try. I wish with all my heart that I could reach out and give you a huge hug right now, and tell you that whether I know you or not....I DO care, and so do others. I understand that it can add to your pain when you express so much of what you're going through, and people do not respond. (Of course that doesn't mean that they might not do so at a later time.) I was not doing well at all this morning, and posted something....so far no one has said anything, and I can't lie that I've felt a little disappointed. However....and I say this with a tremendous amount of caring....perhaps it might help you to remember that many, many people here are suffering greatly, and sometimes there's just not enough words to go around. As I imagine you know, depression can make you feel so empty that sometimes you feel like you can't even get yourself to do something that might otherwise seem so simple, like typing a response. BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. I know one person (me) who does, and I say with total confidence that there are more. I would like to offer you my friendship, (will send a request), and send you the warmest of wishes.....

Just wanted to second that regarding the gratitude subject. After keeping a Gratitude Journal for quite a while several years ago, but then not having done it in a long time, I started again a few days ago (in the midst of some pretty sad times)....and it's definitely a good thing!

Hi there, I feel like absolute **** too we might get on ha. Sorry to hear bout your pain, I feel the same. Nobody to talk to

Thanks, i appreciate you letting me know i'm not alone and others are going through it. I hate to say that i feel better knowing others are going through the same thing because i don't want to sound like i'm happy other people are miserable. I'm not, i don't wish this on anyone. I'm sorry your going through this. It does suck. I did see the website and thank you brownie. I admire the woman who made the website and i think it is a great website and i cried looking at it but at the time i felt like it wasn't helpful because i don't feel its just depression making me suicidal its my life situation and the fact that i can't deal with it anymore, i don't want to. My bf and I are speaking again but i told him i still don't know about this relationship because he says hes going to make trying to save it a priority and he is going to try to change things and he doesn't. So I feel worried that i may have to be alone and struggling and i don't know how i would cope with that. At the same time my living situation is also a factor in my feeling so desperate and my physical health. And i feel like the older i get the worse things are going to be so i don't see hope. Its a daily struggle to get through each day and some days are harder then others. Thanks for responding to me and letting me know you understand i really appreciate it and i hope things get better for you.

Thank you for your support. I do appreciate it. I know that people are going through the same thing and i need to keep that in mind and not take things so personal. I have corresponded with samaritans before i think i will try it again it is helpful because they do write back. Every little bit helps. Thank you.

Thank you for letting me know you care. I know people on here are suffering and i have to stop taking it personal when my posts are not responded to right away or not at all. I shouldn't feel like its that i am pushing them away too, i guess that is depression. You feel like everyone is against you. It is very hard to open yourself up and not get a response especially to people you think are close to you. People that are not suicidal really don't understand. There are many people with depression that don't get to that point and don't understand it. And some people with depression are able to function and work and others can't. I have friends and family that will say they are also depressed and maybe even on meds but they are functioning and they are not distancing themselves from people and they are not thinking about ending their life. And they don't give me the support i need, in fact they make me feel bad for not being able to cope with life situations. One time an ex therapist told me that another of her clients had worse things going on in her life than i did and she still was able to get up and do what she needed to do and she didn't ever think of suicide. Needless to say i don't see her anymore. That just wasn't helpful. I do feel guilt sometimes about that though when i hear about people going through horrific situations and they are still optimistic. I feel like an idiot and like i'm really abnormal. I don't know why i am like this, why i think that death is the only answer, ive been feeling like that since about age 12. I have always thought it would be better not to be here. Like i said before it is a daily struggle the get through the day. Its a miserable way to live. My T also suggested i write down what i'm grateful for. I am grateful for alot and i do pray and thank god everyday for what he gives me and does for me and then i apologize for not being content with what i have and ask for forgiveness and help to change my ways. Again i don't know why i'm this way and i wish i wasn't. Thank you so much for letting me know you care it really does help.

Thank you for responding and for your support. I'm sorry you are feeling the same way. It does suck. I hope things get better for you. You can PM me to talk anytime. I just have to remember to check because i usually come to the message boards and get off i forget to check notifications. I will try to though. Good luck to you and thanks again.

Hello, you sure have a miserable story there... my life is kinda miserable too, but it's hard to put it all in words. One would have to live in my shoes to really know what it's like, don't you agree with that of your own life? Feel free.
I don't wanna jump off a bridge either, I thought about it once a few years ago, but I didn't do it, back then I was too lusty for a guy to even try to do it then. I wasn't depressed then at all. I thought about it before I had the chance, just I never took that chance. I don't advice anyone to, not saying it's that bad of a thing to do to solve your problems, but I strongly believe one who does that will go to hell. We have no proof if hell exists or not. Part of me strongly believes there is a hell though.
I have no friends either. I felt I never got support from any other person in my life, like your guy-friend is like to you. We are not the first ones, and we won't be the last. We exist because we are creatures with feelings. I also don't have the money to leave really, I feel stuck and very overwhelmed with my life right now. I have a million possibilities in my head of what I could do with my life in the future, but I don't know which one to pursue.
I believe, things will be the same no matter where we go, unless you and I; and people like us; can just go to our own planet, but so far that planet is not found yet and it's so far away we can't travel with means or enough money for that trip (to another planet). The whole world is going to act like this to us the same way no matter where we go. We have to realize that. I moved 3-4 times and I see a pattern, people find me an easy target to treat like garbage. It's me on the inside. You on the inside. And there is no way we can be changed, but we must be accepted. It is a shame we have to fight for our individuality. Think of it as them being jealous of us being such truly unique individuals. I pray I die of cancer soon, that's what I do. I seriously do. I know the world isn't coming to an end 2012 or 2013 for sure. I feel I am forced to live in a miserable life. I don't like finances and so I live with financial worries all the time, I never lived on my own before, I wish I could, it may be a neat experience, but it's just seems way too hard to even try. If only this world didn't need money for all the things it takes to live (shelter, food, clothes). So I just pray I die from cancer soon or some other illness. No health insurance, I think goodbye cruel world. But I stopped wanting to kill myself, after being so unsuccessful, I'm such a failure.

Hi Angelmarie,

Please do not give up. I understand you are on disability; however, you can make some money and it will not affect your eligibility. Three websites exist in which you can earn legit money working online. I suppose you will have to email me so that I may tell you about them since the rules are against me posting them. Not only will this give you a better sense of accomplishment but also perhaps a way out of your terrible situation. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!! You can do it. Just take it one day at a time! Many people in our lives will attempt to bring us down; that does not mean we have to let them. If someone is not there for me (moral support wise), then I just write them off. They would have wasted my time anyhow. Some of us on here are for you and others. We need to stick together to get through this. Best of luck!

I'm so sorry you are feeling the way you do. It is a horrible way to live. I hate to say it but i have said i hope i get a termainal illness that way i won't have to kill my self and i'll be gone. I have actually prayed to God to let me die and be at peace. I feel bad for people who actually have died from a terminal illness and have gone through so much to try to stay alive, i feel like why should they be dead when they clearly have a good life here and want to live and here i am miserable still living, what sense does that make. I don't get it. I feel like you, like i'm destined to live a long miserable life like i'm being punished or something. I do realize that alot of my miserable life is because of things i did wrong but alot of it isn't my fault. I don't know what the answer is. I just try to make it through each day and i try to not think about anything by escaping into the tv or reading or getting online. Thats the only way i can manage. I don't sleep well so i can't sleep away my days. I don't want to start drinking because then i'll have another problem on my hands not to mention i really can't drink because of health issues. I stopped years ago, it was too painful. Anyway i don't know what the answer is either. I'm sorry we have to feel the way we do and i just pray things change for the better for all of us struggling. Take Care of Yourself and thanks for your support.

Thanks i appreciate your support. Your right and i am starting to have that attitude that if you can't be supportive of me then please don't come around, i don't need anyone making me feel worse then i already do. I'm hesitant of those work from home sites but you can message me the info i'll check it out and thanks for thinking of me. I am trying to hang in there taking one day at a time. Thanks again for your support