[flours]

my mother just kept explaining to me on the phone that I needed to accept I was less than average pretty and I just shouldn't expect so much of life.

when I said to her I had thought I look good until just now and I was really devastated to hear that she got angry and said I was silly and why I had all these ideas of myself being that great and I should just lower my expectations.

why would she say something like that to me right now when I already feel like crap? why would she take the last little bit of self-confidence away I had left?
now there is nothing. I should just die. why would she torture me like that?
she could as well have said "**** off and die".

[flours]

i can't stop crying. I am just ashamed to be alive

[cryingontheinside]

Hi. I had the same thing from my family when i was a teenager and as a result i stopped eating and wanted to die. My mum was the last to notice i had an eating disorder. All her friends and relatives told her but she denied it untell i came clean and told her. She was actually angry with me when i told her and i felt like telling her it was her fault by keep telling me im plain and flat chested and telling me i had a fat but even tho i was the right weigh for someone my age. I couldnt understand why she was always puttng me down when she was the one who was obese. Maybe it was jelousy. Nobody at school ever said i was ugly it was just at home. When i think about it now and fer bf at the time was a bit of a pervert towards me and my sister, i think it was jelousy. Strangely enough me and my mum are good friends now. U dont know why they do it but please dont believe it. I think its your mum who has some kind of issues and hopefully she will change for the better like my mum did. Please be strong and tell your self these our her issues not yours. If you thought you looked good before she said this chances are you do look good especially as you are not a big headed over confident type. You do look good im betting and she is jelous of you.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm so sorry . Bullies and cruel individuals should be ashamed

How could she not realise how her cruelty might just .... Please be safe, we care

((((((( gentle hugs )))))))

[Hobbit House]

I feel bad for you. Having to go through something like that. It sounds like your mom either has low self esteem and is trying to bring you down to her level, or just envys you and is jealous.

[flours]

thanks ...

I was actually really ugly as a teenager. I had bad skin and was fat. and I got bullied a lot. was a horrible time and I got anxiety since. but I lost all the weight before I was 16 and I thought I look good now. I am 29 now. and I have been thinking my appearance was okay ever since. but still touchy with that issue. and my mother of course knows. right now in moderate-severe depression. so not a good time to discuss my misconceptions about that.
people just tell me these kind of things and insist they were doing me a favor because I had to face reality. why do they do that?- it's so sadistic.

[Clara22]

I am not surprised. Perhaps this is not a single act of bullying but it is showing an underlying structure that will conduct to one of the causes of your depression. She has issues and of course your depression could reveal her issues, her deficient motherhood. -so she is upset at you then she displays aggression. Blaming on your stupidity or naiveness is much easier than admitting "jeez, my daughter is under depression and maybe I have to do something with it".
Indeed, your mum is not a beauty contest judge to measure people's beauty.When I had the car accident that left me in a wheelchair I was 17. At the rehab center there was this young guy who wanted to date me. Then my mom had a "serious conversation" with me. She told me that now I changed, I became a disabled woman and that as such nobody would really love me. Some men perhaps would approach me out of curiosity but then sooner than later they would leave me because the challenge ahead was enourmous and men liked women like trophies unconsciously. I think it was a terrible thing to say to a young person going through a lot already. Much later I asked why she had said that to me and told her she did a great damage to me by saying that. She said she did it because she did not want me to suffer. When I was in therapy for depression four years ago my mom was still alive. My Pdoc wanted to have a session with my mom for me to tell her how much her negativity and other traits of hers had impacted on me. I said no. My mom was too old to take advantage of any therapy, in fact she hated psychology. On the other hand, I was fine with her, did not need to clarify any issue with her. My mom had a lot of psychological problems and did not have the tools or the support to overcome them. I love her but I have to admit that part of my depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, etc are related to the way she modeled my behavior, to the way she treated me, and also to what she passed me through genes.

[mountainstream]

[cryingontheinside]

Please dont listen to your mum. She most likeky is jelous of you. Never be ashamed. Your value as a person is not based on looks.

[flours]

usually my mum doesn't say mean things. if she did I could just tell myself "oh yeah. this is just what my mean old mother would say. don't listen to her". but she is usually kind. that makes it even worse because I think it must be true. maybe it is and I should just accept. and she is right to say I am just silly that I even get sad about such a stupid thing. I am just ashamed. if I was wrong about that I really don't want to know what else I am wrong about.

[Notoriousglo]

Originally Posted by flours

usually my mum doesn't say mean things. if she did I could just tell myself "oh yeah. this is just what my mean old mother would say. don't listen to her". but she is usually kind. that makes it even worse because I think it must be true. maybe it is and I should just accept. and she is right to say I am just silly that I even get sad about such a stupid thing. I am just ashamed. if I was wrong about that I really don't want to know what else I am wrong about.

Wow, I'm so sorry flours. That had to hurt a lot. When I was younger, my mom said she didn't think I was the most beautiful person in the world. I still remember her saying it. She is constantly nasty to me, though. Repeated verbal insults. My one therapist used to call it, "taking shots." It never stopped hurting, though, despite that it has always been the case with her. Again, I can relate to how you might feel. Soooooo sorry. I hope you feel better soon.

[too SHy]

I wonder what it is about our mothers that goes so terribly wrong what about our fathers? How do you overcome such angst? Must find a way somehow or it makes us sick

[Reeh]

Originally Posted by flours

usually my mum doesn't say mean things. if she did I could just tell myself "oh yeah. this is just what my mean old mother would say. don't listen to her". but she is usually kind. that makes it even worse because I think it must be true. maybe it is and I should just accept. and she is right to say I am just silly that I even get sad about such a stupid thing. I am just ashamed. if I was wrong about that I really don't want to know what else I am wrong about.

flours, i understand how you feel; it's just too painful to hear your loved one talking badly about you. My mom is generally nice to me, but sometimes she says some words like "i wish you were never born", "why can't you act normally", "you're a shame of my family" or "you're ugly, stupid, and dumb". I understand her frustration with her life, and I even feel guilty that i might be the primary cause of her pain. For several years, i accepted her words as what i deserve to be labeled, although now i begin to question myself.

My mom did call me "fat" before, and now that i've lost weight, she then starts calling me "skinny, but not fit" and "not so attractive". She herself often complain about her weight. There's no way that i could be like Beyonce, (unless i go through multiple plastic surgeries but nah) and that's perfectly fine for me.

Im hoping that you'll feel better soon!

P.S. Because my dad works from morning to midnight, i haven't really talked to my dad since i was little. Lately, since he comes back earlier than before, im glad that i can have more time to talk to him.

[Clara22]

My mom was not nasty or told bad things in a constant way. It was subtle. She was negative in the sense that she was unable to be hopeful. Regularly she expected things would get ugly at some point. She said she was realistic.
If you can, try to make an extra effort to trust your gut and not to give much authority to anybody including your mom. There is not any other authoritative voice about you than yourself. You are the expert on yourself. You have said you have self confidence issues and I bet this is something that goes beyond school bullying. I do not know you but I kindly ask you to consider that maybe your family dynamics have something to do with it. Not to hate them but to understand yourself deeply. To me there is not an objective and univocal criterion to define beauty in a person. But if there were a criterion, what your mom told you is not helpful, at least. You do not need to pay tribute to what she said because it is wrong coming from a mom. I worked as a school advisor for 14 years and when I heard comments like that from parents of students it was a red flag to me. Parents do not tell their children they are below pretty, or below normal intelligence, ever, and particularly if they are depressed. You do not need to pay attention to my comment, either but I really feel to tell you consider this a bit. Of course, I can be wrong and this is not my business and I am not being prudent here.
I know my mom loved me and I bet your mom loves you, too. But human beings are complicated.

[flours]

yes sure people are complicated. I cannot trust my own judgment anymore. and the word of a mother counts double. don't know. If I was sure about myself I wouldn't care about any words. but I am not. and there is nobody who can help me. because this is my own issue I have to resolve with myself. I don't know if I ever will.
I don't think my family ever taught me anything bad about myself. I don't remember at least. but the school bullying was really bad. I would rather blame it on that than my family that I am not so confident now. it is a long time ago and I should be over that by now. anyway I remember clearly how I had horrible dreams about being killed every night and that I had a headache every day when I went to school. that seems a lot stronger than anything negative my family has ever said to me.

Clara, it's awful that your mother said so bad things to you, too. I am so sorry. I hope it didn't keep you from doing what is right for you.

for myself I don't consider myself to be in such bad circumstances that I could complain about anything. still I am jealous of the people who have more friends and who have partners.
sometimes I wish so much that I could touch another persons hand that it makes me cry to know I cannot. and It makes me always so depressed to watch them. right now I came back from a party night in town. and I met friends that I hadn't seen for some time. and they all suddenly reappeared in my life although they had been gone for several months.
I should be happy but I am not. I saw all the happy people around me and all the couples and it made me so sad and hopeless that I can never be one of them. I am just not a part of happy normal life and I will never be. it is not meant for me to be happy with other people. I will always be the one who stands outside the crowd and watches them jealously. nobody will ever want to give me a hug. I feel so alone. and like I was some kind of monster that other people would avoid. I am so hungry for some human contact. but I think from their perspective it is disgusting and I should be ashamed and go back to my home where nobody has to see me.

[waterknob1234]

Hi flours, I am so sorry you are hurting so. Sometimes people can say such mean things to us that hurt so terribly. And I think the pain is worse when it comes from a parent. Don't listen to mom. I know in my heart you are a good, beautiful, and wonderful person. I remember being bullied in elementary school. That is something you never forget. I still remember the bullying after all these years and I am 52 years old. I think it affects you some way years later. It's a shame.

I wish I could make things better for you, but I will be your friend and give you hugs.

[Clara22]

I do not think that our mental statuses are fixed, like if I were self sufficient I would not be affected by anybody's words ever. I think they are dynamic. And the circumstances also shape us and determine our behavior eventually. I acquired a lot of confidence despite the stigma of disability but when I moved to the US because of language issues I went backwards regarding self confidence. On the other hand, coming back to my country from the US every holiday was a moment to experience a lot of self affirmation: for people in my country if you are employed in the US you are a kind of hero. They believe you are brilliant and feel proud of you. I had to admit that not everything related to confidence came from inside and that I relayed on other people's views and opinions on me more than I wanted. Going back to the point of being in the US, I felt inadequate and out of my league all the time, like when I was a teenager. Then I met several foreigners and could see that I was not the only one. But that did not calm down my anxiety and my feelings of inadequacy.
Observing the world and how people live, I can see that some people get set aside because of certain conditions: poverty, disability, sexual orientation, ethnicity, and sometimes, for some other characteristics that are different from the mainstream ( some characteristics are ver silly such as the type of clothing they use). I am not sure if you have any specific difference that may cause you be vulnerable to discrimination. Or you think you put some barrier for people not to approach you. When you write, you seem insightful and intelligent, very kind. It seems that your confidence issues are profound. Perhaps if early relationships were OK, there may be something else related to the way your brain works. But maybe the bullying was so intense that it was a trauma for you. In any event, almost nothing is written on stone in your life. Circumstances will change and you, too. However, at the present moment you are hurting and that covers your horizon. Please, do not feel you should not complain as your condition is not that bad. The truth is you are suffering a lot. You crave real human contact and it is very painful. I am sending you a big hug and please, hang on in there. We care about you

[flours]

um, the bullying happened during several years starting early in my life. so I think I learned that other people despise me because I am disgusting. I got rid of that idea when I got older. now I am experiencing a situation that reminds me of that. I lost all my confidence because I have no real job and my skills aren't valuable to society. I learn again that nobody wants me. friends don't want to meet me any more. and it's been 8 years since I last was with a boyfriend. so everything tells me again other people despise me. and when my mother says I am not pretty I am all the way back in school when I learned I am not worthy to live because I am not pretty.
those ideas just come back after all this time because the circumstances are reminding me of them. and they are getting stronger the more I find from outside to confirm them. that's why I said I need something lucky to happen to me to drag me out of that swamp. I don't have the strength to do that all by myself.

and the idea we have about ourselves is not coming just from our good soul or whatever. we learn it from other people. that's how we learn who we are. I don't think it is possible at all to be independent from that. so I desperately need some confirmation from other people. I know how that is pathetic.
but right now I am trapped in a vicious circle. the more miserable I am the less people want me.

thanks for saying so kind things!
reading this is keeping me from falling apart.

[lilypup]

Relatives and moms and dads say all sorts of things they shouldn't. If she normally is kind, she probably had no idea how her words hurt you. I agree it was an unkind thing to say. Try to ignore her as best you can. Try to live a fulfilling life, get help for your depression, and prove her wrong.

[Clara22]

Hi Flours,
You do not need to answer these questions, please sorry if I am being harsh

Originally Posted by flours

um, the bullying happened during several years starting early in my life. so I think I learned that other people despise me because I am disgusting.

I am interested to know that you think that you are disgusting. I mean, if you see a person like you (with your physical and spiritual characteristics) would you think that person is disgusting? Yes or no, and why (do not answer if you do not like )

Originally Posted by flours

I got rid of that idea when I got older. now I am experiencing a situation that reminds me of that. I lost all my confidence because I have no real job and my skills aren't valuable to society.

My question is: would it be more accurate saying that your skill are less valuable to society than others (for example, Economics or Administration) instead of not valuable at all?

Originally Posted by flours

I learn again that nobody wants me.

Is it nobody or nobody you would like they liked you? I mean, when I was much younger I used to feel a lot of frustration because I have romantic or friendship targets that would not even look at me. But later I had to acknowledge that I was also refusing or ignoring people that were appealing to me. I was being selective, and chose the wrong people, I guess. I saw there were plenty of lonely souls out of there that were needed of support and love. I was ignoring them as other people ignored me. I am not saying this is your case. But I wonder

Originally Posted by flours

friends don't want to meet me any more. and it's been 8 years since I last was with a boyfriend. so everything tells me again other people despise me.

I do not have comments, I do not know your former boyfriend or former friends but to me it is imposible to believe in blunt statements like "other people despise me"(being other people the universe of people in the world. My brain says there is something wrong in that statement, unless you were a perfect jerk, but even that, because I know perfect jerks that have devotees and you are a lovable person.

[flours]

wow, you've done a good job at deconstructing my depressive distortions. I know that these are not rationally true but it is what I feel.

Originally Posted by Clara22

if you see a person like you (with your physical and spiritual characteristics) would you think that person is disgusting?

I don't know. maybe I am just a weirdo. I feel I am not normal deep inside and for that reason I cannot expect that others want to be around me. very often I feel like I was an impostor perfectly pretending to be normal and I was deceiving others who believe that, which is not okay. well, I think you may have helped me to discover a major issue here.

Originally Posted by Clara22

would it be more accurate saying that your skill are less valuable to society than others (for example, Economics or Administration) instead of not valuable at all?

actually in an economic sense you can say they are of no value right now as I don't get money for using them. that's a very clear statement.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Is it nobody or nobody you would like they liked you?

no. you are right. but it actually makes me feel a lot worse to think of that. for one part because I feel guilty and for another one because I think it's even worse if only the people I like don't like me.
I must say that I am not running after celebrities usually. I don't always choose the pretty ones to fall in love with. I rather avoid those. but I wish to make friends with people with whom I have something in common. and I find that rarely. so it hurts a lot if they are rejecting me.
if someone who doesn't understand a word I am saying decides I am not interesting I don't particularly care. true. but if I have a conversation and a very good time with someone who perfectly gets me, my interests, my humor and everything is just fine. and that person then never want's to see me again, that's very painful. don't you think so?

Originally Posted by Clara22

it is imposible to believe in blunt statements like "other people despise me"

I am just remembering a long series of failed attempts to approach people.

well thanks. that was intense. you should be a therapist.

[ToeJam]

Picked up on you saying that usually your mother is kind and it got me to thinking about my own past experiences. One of the things my T has brought up is 'context' and acknowledging that hurtful comments may not actually be about me but more the struggle that the other person is going through... everyone has off days or lash out when they are dealing with problems of their own that we don't see (we're not mind readers)... and by the same context they don't see the damage or hurt they are inflicting.

My own mum when I was a child was pretty emotionally abusive without even realising the stress she was putting me under (I was treated as if I was an adult from 8 or so onwards when my dad uptailed and left). It's only recently and with respect to me opening up to her about stuff I've kept locked in (not wanting to cause an atmosphere between us) that she has apologised, emphasised and explained the bad place she was in at the time though it was no excuse.

Not sure if any of that helps but just a perspective I'm throwing out there. I am really sorry that you're having a hard time and I can fully sympathise with knocks to self esteem and the effect it has on our depression especially when it comes from those we love.

[flours]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Not sure if any of that helps but just a perspective I'm throwing out there. I am really sorry that you're having a hard time and I can fully sympathise with knocks to self esteem and the effect it has on our depression especially when it comes from those we love.

Thanks!
Yeah it's very helpful to think of her having a bad day when she said that. Just read again what I posted and now feel quite stupid getting mad about something unimportant like this considering about anything being potentially worse. Just my weak spot I guess.

[Clara22]

Sorry, I was not trying to analyze you, I was trying to say what I would tell myself as I am the distortion queen :-)
Like many of us, you want to be wanted by people you like. Perfectly normal but I was thinking that that may block interesting opportunities, like meeting unimaginably likable people like me, for example, who is in a wheelchair. :-) Some people do not know what to do first time they met me, but then, once they overcome the barrier (whatever that is) they feel more comfortable and some of them are even grateful for the opportunity. I am telling this because I was told that several times. Also I overcame some prejudices (mine are about political orientation) and then met great people ( I am talking about Republicans I love, thanks God they were patient enough to endure my initial stupidity )

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by flours

Thanks!
Yeah it's very helpful to think of her having a bad day when she said that. Just read again what I posted and now feel quite stupid getting mad about something unimportant like this considering about anything being potentially worse. Just my weak spot I guess.

Don't feel stupid or consider it a weak spot... depression is a very vulnerable state to be in and it feeds off of triggers like the one you've encountered. Instead of adding to the fuel of just another reason to beat yourself up, see if you can turn it into a positive (I hate it when people say this, the word 'positive', to me so I can understand if you frown lol) and add it to a growing arsenal of coping strategies if a similar situation arises.