maybe this is the time time to go

I've been writing this guy online for about two months and we really liked each other. and I was always looking forward to getting new messages from him. and this whole thing got me out of my depression during the last two months.
so I've met him and he didn't seem interesting at first but I felt like I wanted to contunue writing anyway because I enjoyed it.
so now we met a second time and tonight -which was an important night work-wise- he send me a text saying he wants nothing more to do with me. I am so speechless and confused now. It was a guy that was never ever going to get a girl like me again (he = nerd, me = sort of good-looking with interesting biography). and I just don't get what I did wrong. the odd and unsettling thing is, I think he dumped me just because I decided I want him. this is happening to me all the time. as long as I don't care everything is fine. but as soon as I decide I want something it is not available anymore!!!!!!
**** life. I want this to stop. can it not just be over and keep me from more misery. I already lowered my expectations of what good things may happen as far as I could. I don't have any expectations. but even the most stupid unattractive person in the world doesn't want to be around me. I feel lost. Shoudl I just end it? I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. Probably nothing, except **** off anf die!

It sounds like you weren't really all that in to him. Maybe he picked up on that?

No you shouldn't die! Maybe it wasn't anything you did wrong. Maybe he had a low self esteem and didn't think he could measure up to you. Who knows what was going on with him. But try not to let it beat you down! I've avoided people's affections before when I didn't feel that I'd "fit in" with their lifestyle and such. It had nothing to do with who they were as a person, just my own perception of myself. Please take care and not let this define you!

I know I've been silent for a while before I posted this. things were going okay for me. this whole thing gave me some perspective. I thought my life can actually be better. this is the thing. I didn't think that for a long time before. and I am not getting so mad because of losing this contact but losing my hope that came with it. it was something important for me. it was something that would give me a good feeling and some optimism when everything else was going wrong or just felt horrible. so now this is gone.
it's like I am losing my strategy how to be okay. sure this is stupid. I know. it's not the guy. it's the perspective that something good can happen that I am missing. so now I got some more bad news. I was rejected at an application. It's nothing special. like my first story is nothing special either. but it is taking all my energy away, all my motivation, hope for the future. I'm back in my lonely room expecting nothing good to ever come here. and I am certainly right.

I think the opposite is true. I just realized I was interested so that was obviously the moment for him to decide he is not. has always happened to me in my life like this. every single time, with people!!
****.
he is not important as a single incident in my life. but the pattern is important. and it makes me want to quit. i don't want to do this anymore.

okay, I am already writing far too much and sort of everything so I can ad some more..

yesterday when this happened I was at a work-related party. It was in public. and now I am so embarrassed I don't want to leave my bed ever again.
I started crying in front of everybody and I told random people what happened. It was sort of nice though that they would comfort me.
I got really really really drunk there. people cared about me and that felt good. but I made a big drama. in public. horrible. I cannot go outside my apartment anymore. ever again.

Rejection sucks. Hits to the core.

I think the strategy of not basing your happiness, self worth, value, etc. on outside things is the best. Its an inside job. Relationships, jobs, money, friends, come and go.

You're absolutely right!

I know that. But since I'm just about to get out of a severe depressive episode it's sort of a hard job. I am willing to take everything as a means to be better even if it is temporary. this is what I did and here it ends. so I am forced to face the much harder job to be okay without anything specific to make me happy.
Just lacking some strategy here. I think I made quite some progress with CBT. but this is a crisis!
I would so much love to ask my therapist for help right now but my next appointment is only next week. so I need to find out how to deal with this myself for now.
any advice appreciated.

I hear you. Depression does not let us really practice that strategy. Its just an overall strategy. I hate to say this but the truth is for me that sometimes I just have to ride them out knowing (or at least trying to believe) that it is not my total reality. When in crisis the most important thing is to stay safe. Make sure your immediate needs are met. Try to find other people who are understanding to reach out to.

Don't waste your feelings on a guy who was a nerd to begin with. There are so many complicated variables involved in making two people click that it never makes sense to blame oneself (unless one is a jerk to other people, but jerks never ask the kinds of questions you're asking). It was a matter of lack of readiness and the wrong kind of capacity on his part. As far as you are concerned, he never knew what he had.

this is my problem. I am trying to change my reality. Thats what this is about. Not in a temporary way. It is important because the way i see my world makes me depressed. Not as a symptom of depression but before that. Of course it got worse then but i can tell the exact topics you have to talk to me about to cause me a really bad time. So for me it is not enough to wait until its over because my reality makes it very likely to come back.

I tried to find another prrspective. In which there are good things waiting for me in the future and i also wanted proove that things can actually change and im not stuck like this forever. And wow, this was a total failure!

I'm not sure if I can even say something like that. Saying he was a nerd and that I was somewhat more attractive is both extremely offensive and arrogant. Someone else may think differently. I just said it because it describes how I felt about it. And i'm not sure what that means. It may be that i choose people by whom I dont expect to be rejected just to make myself feel like there is a general chance for me to be lucky. But it hurts even more if it doesn't work.

The causes are many and varied. CBT has been proven effective so changing outlook is a good strategy.

For me after 20 years of trying everything I am convinced it is very genetic and biological. For me. What sucks is meds are not so great although my current ones are working good.

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I have been trying to do and tell what I want so I will get it and not worry so much about reasons why I should keep myself from doing that. I've been especially concerned with what other people may think or want. until now I felt like it was at least partly successful. I experienced mostly positive reactions by others.

right now I feel so reminded of the many times in my life I liked somebody and I ended up being a pathetic women running after some guy, asking for their company and getting rejected. this sounds a lot less awkward than it actually is.

I picture myself like that. this is my part. the woman nobody wants to be with. it's hard to replace this idea by something else. for a couple of years I've just been avoiding any kind of situation that would lead to this scenario. but it didn't make me very happy either.
the urge to withdraw and vanish forever instead of trying again and playing the same stupid part again and again is sort of strong right now.
I am writing this in the depression forum because this is what I want to talk about. it's not about relationships but about how I can keep myself optimistic about my life. not going back where I was coming from. I really want to learn how to deal with **** that happens in life instead of avoiding it, existing in complete isolation.
I haven't had that feeling for a while that I want to stop everything, freeze everything, close my eyes, cover my ears, lie down and stop thinking. I do now. I need to find myself a little something to hold on to so I keep going. I've been using writing in this forum for that purpose a lot and it helps if I don't know what to do. but then there is a limit to that too so I have to find another distraction.
this is what I am doing: I am moving along different distractions. now this one is gone, like many other ones before. I have to find something quickly!

today just lying in bed watching tv. don't feel like I can ever go out there again. so embarrassed. maybe I should move to another town where nobody knows me.

The shame that surrounds all this is a big part of the problem. That's why I am a big believer in acceptance. I can actually be severely depressed and content at the same time. Doesn't mean I have stopped fighting.

Stay in bed all day. Who cares. It's not the end of the world. Don't beat yourself up.

One time I called my AA sponsor and complained how depressed I was, he said "So, be depressed." That hit me like a ton of bricks. No one had ever given me permission before. I had never given myself permission. He was wise.

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I agree, give yourself a break. It's not the end of the world. I also agree that the best thing to do is focus on your interests and everything to do with yourself and just be totally selfish with your time for awhile. Study something that fascinates you, embark on a new phase of being. You can have a wonderful time doing that, and you'll gradually meet people along the way.

sometimes I think I cannot describe well what I am experiencing. not concerning my emotional condition -I think most people here understand- but rather it's difficult to explain my context and I try to tell what's happening in a way that people can understand but it's never exactly right (same when talking to my T).

my situation is very strange. I am involved in a context that includes only few other people and my work and my private life are connected in a way that I cannot separate. I have hardly any hobbies or interests that are not a part of that. actually nothing. and honestly I am not interested in anything else. this is my life and I chose it and I cannot reverse it. even if I leave and not talk to anyone again that I know now I still have so much grown into this context that I cannot just go back to a more normal life. well, so I am not very successful right now in neither way and I have some difficulty finding ANYTHING to do that is not triggering because everything is related. (there is tons of things I am supposed to do though!)
(AND I don't want to leave it! I'm struggling with many difficulties and it would be much easier sometimes to be out of there but I can't do it. this is all my life.)

with so few people I share this it is very complicated to make contact with those that have nothing to do with it. I've got nothing to talk about with people from outside and they don't understand my life either. they ask me annoying questions and have stereotypes in mind that are very offensive. mostly. and everything I do becomes this funny little soap-opera for the people I know. right now I feel really ridiculous. it's like everybody knew that this was not going to work except me. and then everybody was watching my drama. I guess they think of me as the pathetic person I am. but all I wanted to do is try something instead of being depressed and frozen.

I wish I knew what to suggest. What do you want to do most right now?

I don't know. I guess talk to somebody about how to overcome the feeling that I did something incredibly embarrassing and stupid (in front of about 30 people...)

thanks for talking to me...!

well I can deal with this guy being gone. it's not such a big deal. just don't know what to do with myself and my life and these 30 people. and depression. if I should hide or go out there meet some friends. if I should try again to date somebody or rather give up and not be awkward like this again.
if I should give up on all of this complicated career thing... and ... I don't know. I think I have no other options I would like. that would be giving up on life...
I know this may sound stupid for everyone who has experienced more serious problems in their life. but I guess you cannot compare lifes of people like that and what kind of problems are serious and which aren't.

I used to have similar problems when I was young. What happened with the guy is unimportant, plus the baring your soul to your coworkers. They understood, and you'd been drinking, so you can always do a "wow. I get so emotional when I drink, whew!" kind of thing. Or anyway you want to play it down, if that's even necessary. I do understand how you feel. The important thing is the pattern of guys turning off when you turn on and vice versa. What are the reasons you may believe you don't deserve a good relationship? Low self esteem is really hard to get past, so that's why I suggested living selfishly for awhile.

This is a very good advise. I just don't know how that would look like. This is what I'm trying all the time. Doing what I want sounds like the best thing ever, except that I don't know what that is.

I've actually been spending more time thinking about that since I started therapy. It's always been a very good feeling if I found something, I mean something very specific. So then I knew something I could do to try and get it.

Low self esteem just shows up in specific situations. like when dating. or when competing with colleagues.
I don't know why I have this problem. In a way I think it is just unlikely I get anything like that. even if everyone around me does. and I know they are not so different from me. so it is actually likely I could have the same. I still feel like there is an invisible wall keeping me from it. as if I wasn't a part of this reality. but just some imaginary person who is watching.

Are you interested in making jewelry? There are inexpensive kits to try it out. Or card reading? Things like that are fun and absorbing.

haha, I've done that before! And knitting. but since depression started I wasn't interested in anything like this. I always think I could spend my time with something more useful than this. there are other things to do. so I do either nothing or useful things that need to be done.
and I am never happy with what I make. I always obsess with it and do it again and again and never like how it looks.

I just decided to text some friends if they want to meet and hope someone answers. two of them already told me they're busy but still waiting for the third one.
If noone has time for me I might try make a necklace.

okay, ...
so I met people. I made some new friends, maybe, if we meet again. I had an okay time tonight. but it seems to me this is only drunk shallow ****. I don't know if these people will ever talk to me after tonight. It's all just drunk shallow ****. I just walked home. it's about 3.30 here. I didn't get robbed on my way or raped. I know that I won't. because I am not a real person. that's how I know. I am even certain. nothing can happen to me. even if I try to take a risk.