[DisorganisedMind]

I've been on a tremendous low since about November and starting to feel the physical symptoms after restarting medication. That tight feeling at the back of my throat and the slight hum in my head. I had forgotten about these little things. Also forgot earlier to space out the tablets and just took the 3 at once on an empty stomach. End up with that horrible excess acidic feeling at the top of your stomach that seems impossible to get rid of by later eating or drinking.

The truth is that I did write out a post before and the page timed-out! (I know it says to write it in Word first - I'm an idiot, what can I say?). It was a lovely post. Started off a bit despairing - granted - but had some clear thoughts and even some funny moments. I was proud of it and now it will never see the light. So sad. My mood actually improved just through the process of writing it so that's more gained than lost.

I used to like writing as a coping mechanism. It helped me between the ages of 14-21 but then I had a bad year and I couldn't contain my grief/depression/anxiety/self-loathing/mysanthropy so I had to stop. It was too raw and self-absorbed and I was ashamed of the feelings spilling out of me.

So, my initial post? Truth is I've been in a very dark place for a couple of months now. I just needed to write something somewhere to get things out and I did. It matters not. Believe it or not, it helps a great deal to realise a thought that's been turning in your mind incessantly for a while and get it down somewhere. That's what writing used to be to me - a way to release pressure. I never should have stopped because the pressure gauge has been firmly in the red many times since. Who cares what comes out as long as the pressure goes down?

[DisorganisedMind]

No appetite (which isn't unusual for me normally anyway), vomited earlier, a slight headache/buzzy and warm feeling at the front of my brain but got 4 hours sleep last night which is more than the previous days and my mood has moved from crippling despair and imminent destruction to somewhere about 5% better.

Still need to take today's tablets which will require me to put something in my stomach first and it's the last thing I want.

Trying desperately not to show the worst of this bout of depression to family as they are holiday-bound sometime in the next week and I don't want to damage or derail that. A week ago I was really thinking about getting myself sectioned if such a thing were possible as the suicidal thoughts were pretty intense and it wasn't a cry for help. I've a long history of up and down moods and know the scenery pretty well by now but that was about as low as I've been in at least 7 years and I wasn't sure what the outcome might be. I can control things between a certain spectrum but there are times when I slip and there is nothing outside of those thoughts. The power of it and how it touches every part of your life is incredible.

I hope I'm past it. Just the process of restarting medication in the last few days and writing silly little entries to no one in particular moves me forward a bit. I know the tablets have no instant effects but - for whatever reason, call it placebo effect - I'm a little bit better (despite sickness and headaches and that's a trade I'll take every time). Now climb spirit - please climb.

[DisorganisedMind]

And it duly sunk. Feel a bit worse again. Mind back on old wounds and got a killer of a headache. Feel a bit spaced out and high for some reason but not in a good way. Doubt I'll be sleeping tonight but I must surely need it by now. When it comes I could be out for 14 hours. Feel both charged and knackered.

I'm tempted to spill it out here and release pressure but it's so god damn cringeworthy to read back and although there's an initial release - just like a confession I suppose - I always end up feeling mocked. I'm not pre-judging anyone here - I just know how being completely honest about the things that are bothering me later makes me feel. It's another rod for my back.

Maybe just detail the physical. Invisible vice feels like it's being applied to my head. Window wide open and freezing outside and my head is burning with thoughts. I've stopped praying to the porcelain gods so that's one good thing (although I preferred earlier when I was sick and not racing through nasty old pains with a killer headache).

[shezbut]

Maybe you should call your doctor and describe the side effects that you're going through? Perhaps a slight change in dosage or med type is needed. Gentle hugs and best wishes to you!

[annoyedgrunt84]

I get this feeling as well from time to time, one thing that helps relieve it for me is sleep, so I guess my advice is to try and make sure you are getting enough sleep ( though I also know that can be so much easier said than done).

[DisorganisedMind]

The side effects are nothing really. My body will adjust over the next days or weeks. I've been through it all before - just not for a while. They are almost like an old friend compared to the negative thoughts. I actually welcome the distraction.

Physically, I feel fine this morning. No headache or tightness. Not feeling sick. Even managed a proper sleep. I've got a slight nervous tremor but as symptoms go that's firmly in the minor league. So the immediate task will be to eat - I could give up eating altogether as far as my head and body are concerned - and then take the tablets - this time an hour after eating and with a drink and not all 3 at once. My stomach definitely does not like prozac but I got used to them before so I will again.

It helps to write but I don't want to get into psychological stuff as it makes me feel exposed and a bit pathetic so the physical stuff gives me something to focus my attention on. I might later go in that direction and then it will be a 500,000 word essay on my worst feelings but I don't really want to if I can avoid it. Once bitten, twice shy. I have to learn to contain things when my moods slip or at least learn where to release. It's easy to get caught up in the therapeutic nature of confession but afterwards you look at what you've written and how self-absorbed and self-defeating it all is and feel embarrassed. It can make me feel worse. It's one me who writes the words but it could another me who is much more disparaging and hateful towards that person who later reads them. So I have to learn self-control. Even during times like these. Especially during times like these, I suppose, although I'll cut myself some slack as it's not easy this whole process.

[DisorganisedMind]

I babysit, if you can believe that (yes - I feel sorry for her too), so that is my daily duty at the moment.

L is 3 and tells me she loves me every day. When she is here we are inseparable and we play the same board games (she invents her own rules), jigsaws, painting, drawing, feed horses, watch Scooby-Doo. It hurts me how much she adores me when I think about how that must change. I don't want her to be like me. It's important for her that she doesn't become so.

I have other family who care about me but they look at me with a mixture of pity, disdain, irritation, and all those feelings brought on by being around a depressive for 20 years. I understand as I feel the same a lot of the time at the various failures. L knows no better though. As she grows she will learn about the dysfunction of her uncle and gain context as other people have, then she too will look at me differently.

When I was 3 my grandad died. In my mind he was my papa as that's what my dad called him and me - being so young - took the same name for him. I still think of him as "papa" although all I remember now is a bald man sitting in a chair drinking whisky and lemonade. The family house changed in the years thereafter. My dad got morose and would sit just staring into space or he would be drinking at the pub or gambling. The marriage suffered. My sister was a teenager and would get in big arguments. I learned to keep quiet and self-contained but I soaked a lot up. That was my childhood really. Walking on eggshells and playing quietly whilst trying to hide any pain from the rest of the kids who would mock me. I developed a very strong inner world/monologue/imagination. When I first went to a doctor about depression aged 22 or so I realised that I was years too late. I had developed my own coping mechanisms of withdrawal and introspection and been burying pain for most of my life.

There was no real trauma there for me, as young as I was, and as I've grown I've met other people with far greater childhood trauma who have managed far better. The damage was in how it changed me amongst my peers. I was quiet, shy, overly-sensitive and easily picked on and taken apart. I resented the jibes about how sad I looked. I was sensitive to comments about physical stuff. I was just sensitive. I could be made to cry quite easily. I'm the opposite these days (other than in certain moods) but back then I was still open enough to trust people and every nasty jibe or cruel comment was remembered and replayed. I learned not to trust people. I remembered their cruel nature. I see some people now and how they've succeeded in life in various roles like the teacher whose greatest pleasure was in "laughing at horrible people". What does that make you though? In this world, there are the strong and the weak, or the butchers and the cattle, and I can't respect the butchers - not even those who hide their sadistic leanings well. My sympathy lies with the cattle - the disenfranchised and dispossessed, the lost and hurt. Selfish perhaps but there it is. I don't forgive.

So sometime early in primary school I separated from the group entirely. There was me and everyone else, and that distinction has remained in my head ever since. I've diverged completely from community/society/even humanity it feels like at times. There is no good life or normal me to get back to.

I'm getting bitter so I'll stop. The reason I'm alive is because of L. I don't want to cause trauma in another. I don't want her to think like I did that she might be bad blood. If the division is me against the world then I want her to be on their side.

[DisorganisedMind]

And L is here so it's time to switch off thoughts as much as possible, eat, and hold it all in.

[DisorganisedMind]

And done. For someone who would never have kids I have spent a lot of my life with them. I suspect the whole arrangement is as much for my benefit as theirs. It's so easy to connect with children at a young age. Like dogs, they are ridiculously loyal and forgiving and they don't assume a position of superiority. They don't yet have that social need to have people to look down on.

No sickness today although I was pretty close earlier. Tablets taken over 2 hours with food.

[DisorganisedMind]

Re: my problems. I could sit and detail every slight (real or imagined) but the truth is that the initial separation that I placed between myself and everyone else at a very young age has made me pretty asocial and mysanthropic. That's the first cause - subconscious though it might have first been. It comes across as rudeness. All the other stuff is pretty standard life issues. There's stuff that hurts me, annoys me, confuses me but it's no worse than many other people. Family members die, kids didn't like me, some paedo makes a move on me, nasty comments, rejections, failures, worries....it's all standard stuff really. The separation does the real damage because it makes me unapproachable and aloof and yet....it feels so much more comfortable than being around people. There's an anxiousness around people that turns to a roar in crowds. Eventually your internal thoughts result in external results and physical symptoms.

[DisorganisedMind]

Feel pretty contemptible today. Thinking about my weak nature. Thinking about the depths of my problems and such things as whether it's impossible to ever fix. I have things to take care of that I've been putting off for as long as possible and I'm not looking forward to it with this mindset. It will require me to mention my mental health problems as I have no other explanation and I hate (HATE!) having to do so. I don't mind here - no one knows who I am - but in real life I just hate it. Will it be scorn or pity this time?

Headaches have subsided but appetite still zero and stomach not great (my eating habits are beyond dysfunctional going back years. I just don't have an appetite). The tablets will have to wait today because I don't want to be gagging during my appointment. Hopefully once it's done it will be off my mind. It's ridiculous that I've allowed myself to become so weak that even a simple appointment fills me with dread (now I'm self-hating again....see how that always follows?). It's not as bad as 7-8 years ago when I started fainting, ended up in cardiology and subsequently became agoraphobic (I've got it all going on) for 6 months but it's still just ridiculous.

But that's how I feel....ridiculous or not.

[DisorganisedMind]

Such a depressing collection of thoughts. I'm not proud when I read this page back but that's what's there.

[DisorganisedMind]

Back to horrendous. It only seems to ever be one bad thought away. My thought today is that my depression and anxiety is just me being unable to handle my own inherent weak and bad nature and the inevitable consequences. A chicken and egg puzzle if ever there was one and I'm sure many people who have known me would say that I'm onto something with that thought.

I wish I was a stronger person and didn't hate myself so much. Life would be so much easier without all these doubts. I don't know whether I'm weak and avoiding issues or too tough on myself unnecessarily - I just know I spend too much time feeling bad. I don't even know if other people normally torture themselves like this and I'm just too weak to handle it or if it's some psychological flaw in me where I seek out thoughts to hate myself with that is obsessive and excessive. Come back the good, old, fuzzy-headed, vomiting days from earlier. The good old days!

[DisorganisedMind]

Stuck between shame, bitterness, doubt, thinking I can't possibly go on, then thinking I have to for family. Round and round endlessly. It's exhausting and makes me rude and thoughtless to others as it feels like I'm constantly fighting a secret war in my head. I wish I could drop the past and be more disciplined in my thinking -- have the necessary self-defence mechanisms to be strong and assertive enough to dismiss it or at least take something positive from it. Be like other people who get past things and don't use them to crucify themselves forevermore. It's not right or natural and no one deserves it. I haven't murdered, raped, stolen, or anything like that. I shouldn't feel this bad.

[DisorganisedMind]

My Dad spoke to someone he knows over Xmas and that person said he thought there were jobs going at his work (and he is a boss of some type). He wouldn't know for sure until he went back in January. So I've sent him a message (yesterday) but there's been no reply yet.

The other thing I need to fix fast is that I'm not on social security. Like I said, things have been really bad for a couple of months. I was on it before (which I hated) and I missed an appointment as my moods were starting to slip which is when I start getting very caught in my own thinking and, as a result, get unreliable as everything else goes out of my head. If someone tells me something about tomorrow I might remember it. If it's next week then there's no chance.

Anyway...I have a phone number to go back on Job Seeker's Allowance and I suppose I should. I've been borrowing money off family since November and my guilt has been rising since then. My poor family.

[DisorganisedMind]

And I'm being too open again and starting to hate the feelings expressed here. I basically go between completely closed off, and spilling out all over the place in a very melodramatic fashion, with very little in between. Note to self - value the anonymity and never show this to anyone. This isn't their experience and they wouldn't understand. They would think that they do as they might have glimpsed this type of mindset periodically but they wouldn't only know this, so they might initially be supportive but they'll get irritated by the weakness and selfishness of it all very quickly. I'm irritated too but that doesn't stop it happening. If I could switch it off then I would. It's so limiting and self-defeating.

[DisorganisedMind]

Slightly better but not much. Starting to think quite recklessly about just packing a bag and running off. I've nowhere to go and there's no-one I know, but that's part of the appeal. I'm leaning on family too much and I don't like it. It doesn't allow me to respect myself. I just have to get to Saturday and get space.

That's what's in my mind. Almost a fantasy and something I've thought of doing before but never have. I probably won't again but it suggests itself to me whenever I've time on my own. It's one step up from the other solution although it might just be a more indirect route to the same destination. Or it might be the type of brinkmanship needed to change things.

[DisorganisedMind]

Very juvenile.

[DisorganisedMind]

Finally signed on for benefits. Oh goody - now I can be a parasite on society again. Bad news is that I won't have any income until the start of March and that's something like 6 or 7 weeks away. I have no value to myself or anyone else other than the biological bond between family which isn't even a choice for people. It just exists whether the person is good, bad, or anything else.

Got to get to Saturday so I'll be on my own and then think about what to do. Job applications are being knocked back. My dad's friend who offered the info about the other job has backtracked (I suspect he wasn't entirely sincere). I could do taxi driver training but it costs £150 or so (so I'd be further indebted) and worse - if you fail the test (entirely possible) there is no refund. It would be another £150 to possibly fail again.

It's all such a mess. No wonder my head is filled with thoughts of just running off even though I know no-one and have no skills to offer. Trouble is, I don't think I could put anyone's mind at rest. I've been dependent for so long - people telling me to take meds, fill in forms, and do all the things that people struggle to cope with when they give up on life. I think if I just took off then my family would phone the police and then I would be vulnerable man, history of depression, ran off with no money and nowhere to stay. It's not a scenario that's likely to have a happy ending. However, the current situation is bad too. There's a bit of me that just sees all the failure and thinks that it obviously isn't meant to work out and that person gets annoyed at people trying to prop me up when my trajectory is so obviously down. I want to break any bond that still exists so I can be completely alone in the same way as I broke all my friendships when this all first hit me in my early 20s and I couldn't explain it. And now I'm typing to no-one waiting on guidance that doesn't come. Pathetic really.

[DisorganisedMind]

Interesting exercise this mood diary. Shows how bad I feel generally. That can't be normal. Just seems to be the same stuff every day. And it's so difficult to do anything when doubt and insecurity accompany every thought.

[DisorganisedMind]

Strong asocial, mysanthropic feelings mixed with desperate loneliness. Painful opposites. Absolutely hellish tonight.

[DisorganisedMind]

Got my money backdated thanks to a helpful neighbour who works there. From 10 weeks of having zero money to temporarily rich (it feels). It's nice to have one thing fixed. At least I can pay off the debts I've run up to family members during my adolescent "this is the end" phase.

Still lonely as hell and far too insecure to reach out to anyone but at least something material is "fixed" and I've got some time to myself next week - which is a contradiction, to be lonely and looking forward to some alone time, but I live a very weird life.

My body is pretty much adjusted to the meds now so no sickness recently. Appetite returning slightly. Much better than yesterday although there's a long way to go.

[DisorganisedMind]

I'd like to say I'm feeling all better now I'm alone and money troubles are eased but it would be a lie. I've spent the entire day lying around. Mood - around a bit but mostly in the gutter. I feel particularly foolish today. I have the emotional IQ of a rock I think.

I must stop writing here as I'm too honest and I need to learn to be private even at times like these when my feelings are running a bit and it's harder to filter. I'll work through a diary I think. This laptop seems secure enough.

So this has been the week (I'm guessing but it feels like that) mood diary of a depressive either in the middle of - or hopefully the end of - a low spell. Anonymity intact. Still above ground. Over and out.

[basicgoodness]

Just wanted to let you know that I have read all your posts and I appreciate your sharing them on this forum. I hope you start feeling better soon. Take care.

[DisorganisedMind]

This is a bit self-indulgent to be effectively blogging. Really struggling to journal anywhere else. I tried the link above but it didn't work and I don't know if it's that kind of facility anyway, or whether it's for actual therapists and experts to assess (I should read some of them and see rather than guess). I'll give it another go. I need to write and keep my mind moving but I'm not quite sure where. I don't want anything physical in the house and I don't want to leave a file on a laptop.

Anyone know a good site to have a journal? Not a blog because ideally I don't even want anyone to read it. Or is there a better solution? (Don't write, ha! - Head buzzing though.)