Tight feeling in my head

Grouchy. Me and dog are living in our own little world. Can't be bothered watching tv, can't be bothered eating, could drink wine but can't be bothered, nowhere to go, no-one to see. Just lying in bed wasting time. No interest in anything. Self respect should hopefully kick in soon. I did shower, feed the dog, take meds, and get dressed. (Wow - what a hero.)

Anniversary of my gran's death in about 9 hours time. 19 years ago. Where did they all go? I've never seen a human being suffer so much. Strokes - too many to count, going over about 7 years. Emphysema - oxygen tent. All human dignity taken. Husband died '93 and after that she just wanted to be dead - "just let me go, I want to die". I was in the next room when she died then saw the body. It wasn't the peaceful passage to a better place that you would want. Nightmares for years after. If that was the fate of her then what sort of world is this? My first trip to a doctor some time after that to get anti-depressants. I was a mess - totally lost in morbid thoughts for years. I could see what had happened to her and how her will to live had evaporated through continued ill-health and grief. I thought my sisters were going the same way. My mum is strong but I could see her cracking too. Halfway through uni and turned into some oddity who sat in his own world, couldn't make eye contact, and ate his lunch in corners - even cubicles at times. Sisters were suicidal. Both ended up in hospital at some point - one more regularly than the other. Everyone else got better and I got worse. Horrible dreams and horrible thoughts. I stood in the shower one day and thought about how everything was bad and I couldn't control any of it and just starting shaking uncontrollably and I've been weak ever since. Where is my backbone?

I hate this day. Worse being on my own and in the middle of this low mood mixed with reckless and juvenile thoughts. I haven't grown at all. No resolution or learning - just the same old garbage. In fact, I might drive to the graveyard. It's about 40 miles or something but I'm doing nothing and I have the car and have been nowhere this week. And I'm lonely so I might as well talk to a headstone. And I haven't been up there in months either. Will it make me feel better? Probably not, but I'll feel worse again if I don't do something.

Really need to find somewhere to put a diary. It feels good to write but it's like defecating - I don't really want to show it off.

I'm just a conduit. Endure.

Still rubbish. This is what people hate - the persistent negativity which they see as immature, self-indulgent, melodramatic if you are honest about the depths of things, and impossible to break, fix, or challenge. After a while they get bored. It is boring. It bores me. That's how it is though. These last few months have been particularly bad but it's never not there in some shape or form. Fey.

Saw my nieces in the last few days. Youngest one besotted with me, middle one normal, eldest a bit distant (or I am to her maybe). The dog is starting to majorly annoy me. He goes a bit nuts when everyone goes away. He's never been alone for any length of time so he's been my shadow for the last week - literally. I'm not sure how I'll get him out of my room after this and he'll probably expect half of everything I eat from now on too!

Did some chores today, jobsearching, babysitting, ate, will take meds now (promise). Almost a productive day by current standards. Now either going to drive around for the hell of it, drink for the hell of it (but definitely not both), or hopefully think of something "fun" as a reward. I've been sitting online for the last week or doing absolutely nothing except sitting thinking.

Anyone got an idea about the best place to have a diary? I feel a bit torn writing here. (Idea - google online private diary...aha).

Bizarrely, I have a date next week. An old school friend, occasionally flirtatious, nice person, pretty, a little wild, complex, vulnerable....all the good stuff.....did have boyfriend last time we met, mentions she doesn't now, in town next week. Asks me out. I'm now trying to think how rare that kind of stuff is. Very rare, I guess.

I don't understand it either. Thing is....we did actually get on really well last time. I wasn't quite Sylvia Plath emo'd up to force 10 last time (5 years ago I reckon) like I have been recently though.

I'll assume it's purely friendly so as not to be disappointed but it's a strange one. I better learn some social skills in the next 9 days or whatever it is. Quickly build a presentable person in one week or your money back. If there's any companies doing that then let me know.

Last post now. I have located a diary facility and I'm a bit torn writing here so I'll transfer this whingefest to there. Especially now my mind is on women - kryptonite to this superman.

Slightly anxious about this date now. Trying to resist the temptation to give it any more significance than it might be due and I am super-aware that I've been living a very sheltered and isolated life so have to be careful not to come off too strong and act like a creep, or be too open about how hellish the last few months have been and depress her, or be so cool and unsociable in the attempt not to be over-the-top that I give her the impression that I'm not interested in her, or be so anxious that I get a bit too drunk and make a fool of myself. I say slightly anxious, I could be super-anxious if I really thought about it but (1) she lives abroad and is only visiting "home" so it's not like anything major can develop anyway, (2) I'm more bemused than anything right at this moment, (3) I'm not even sure how far I would let things go anyway - I haven't been sexually active in some 4 or 5 years and my mood has been so low recently that there's been no sexual impulse there at all. I'm not sure I can just turn it on out of the blue because some pretty woman makes a pass at me. Then again, I thought that the last time before meeting my ex-girlfriend and it turned out I was actually the other way when the opportunity arose. Maybe my drive only works when there's someone to connect with? I never did really get into porn or anything like that - it's all a bit impersonal and voyeuristic and fake. Oh, and (4) I kind of get the impression she likes me on some level and it's deeper than most things. I've known her 20-odd years and we always got on really well. And (5) we met about 5 years ago when she was home then and she was in the process of ending a long term relationship, and we were at her parents and....well, I just got the impression that things could have easily went a lot further had we been alone. I'm not someone who normally overestimates my ability to attract - I'm the very opposite - but, yeah, she likes me on some level. How much I'm not sure but I guess I'll find out soon. And (6) I've been bored and lonely recently and annoyed at myself for avoiding women for 90% of my adult life due to being ashamed of my problems so if someone I actually like wants me in their life in any form then I'm game. I can see time ticking on.

I've replaced depression for anxiety about misreading signals (either way), performance if things did ever go that way, falling too much, and anything else that can come to mind. I guess that's a trade up?

Smartest thing to do is assume it's purely friendly. I know. It's just my way to play out the worst, best, and every scenario in between in my head beforehand. It's good to have a change of scenery as far as things to worry about goes. You can see how I struggle with women. I'm an angst-ridden mess when trying to navigate my way through decisions or manage events so the speed of dating catches me out.

I find it difficult to be spontaneous and most women don't fancy hanging around for a few months whilst the awkward guy they just made a pass at works out his feelings. I've rebuffed women I've fancied, regretted it, felt in love with them for years afterwards.....it's ridiculous. I wish I had more of the "typical male" (oh dear - did I not say on another thread how much I hated these statements but here it is)........more of the typical male predatorial instinct to quickly get attracted, have a quick fling, and move onto the next woman. It's what women expect from men and it really confuses them when a man doesn't behave in that way. I'm just weird. I never wanted to pick up a beautiful stranger in a bar, I don't think my affections have ever been split between people, and I've always just had this thing in my mentality where maybe I would let somebody close to me at times...but only one person....and I'll probably be really wary and ultimately I might withdraw, or even bottle out of the whole process entirely.

But this is different because it's someone I know and have worked out how I feel about so.....play it friendly, but be prepared for anything. Definitely not pushy (not that I could initiate anything right now - reactive mode definitely), and absolutely not maudlin. Talk about her. Just be decent. Friends. Absolutely.

And definitely over and out now.

Better end with a dose of reality regarding the above. An old friend (who I never really knew that well) has suggested we meet up and, because she is attractive and I'm pretty lonely, I've allowed myself to get too caught up in the idea as I've nothing else positive to think about outside of the usual. Reality is she is back in the country and just being polite - purely as a friend. I know this because if it was anything else then it would have happened years ago. It's about time I grew up and accepted my place in life. Thursday will remind me if it even happens.

I'll end with a dose of realism.

Officially a creep now. Unwanted advance and obvious knockback. I'm 0 for 2 on the asking out scorecharts now. Next attempt due in another 22 years. Feel magic (not). I've turned into a teenager who just hit puberty again.

Weird thing is it wasn't even the same person as above (further rejection possibly to come). Obviously I've also decided to break the "only interested in one woman" thing as well because an old workmate who I had on my facebook friends list once made a pass at me when she was young, naive, desperate, drunk, drugged, wanting to annoy someone else or whatever was going on one night, I rebuffed in my usual way, now years later and I feel as though my life is ending so I try and restart something that was a mistake on her part in the first place.

And I would know that of course if I had any sense and my head wasn't spinning around all over the place as though I was 17 due to depression, impending feelings of "quick...lets make something happen" doom, taking meds, being bored senseless......but no...I have to test the waters with all the grace of a ballet-dancing elephant and must now bear the rejected badge for a while.

I should probably have got this stuff out my system many years ago. It's easier just to not try and accept a lower place but I am so bored.

And...yep...I was going to stop using this thread as my personal diary but I figure since I've started defecating in this corner that I might as well stick with it. As long as I stay anonymous then I'm safe.

Looks like I'll be making awkward and inappropriate passes at women for the foreseeable future until this mid-life ******** blows over. Oh goody, just what I always wanted to be - a sex pest.

Body has fully accepted the prozac now. So much so that I've not even taken today's yet and it's now past 8pm. That's how I ended up with drawers full of it to start with. Note to self - take meds, stop being a creep, no-one gives a ****.

Have also agreed to meet with another old friend from years ago. Male this time so no further complications. Can just work on gaining back friends. My life is empty after long term depression and I need to fill it with things.

No juvenile madness today.

Slept a lot (actually fell asleep some time after dinner and then awoke at 1am - meds or depression or nothing to do - not sure - so it's an early start to the day for me).

Computer goosed - need a new one rather than this old crappy notebook or whatever the hell it is. The screen only works at a precise angle of 56 degrees. Any other angle and it goes black screen. Speakers are goosed. Can't play games. Can't stream. It was my sister's or mum's old laptop from about 8 years ago. It's a nice gesture to let me use it but I need a decent pc again. Must try to get one 2nd hand while I still have cash.

Need to start eating more often too. I'm at one meal a day and throwing half in the bin. Obviously I'm barely expending energy with the way I'm living. Honestly have no idea whether I took meds today. I must be a bit 'off' then.

I think I'll look back on these weeks and months as a time I was a bit unstable. Or maybe the stable me is the worse one? Starting to feel a bit exposed and embarrassed and anxious so thinking about isolating myself again. Meeting old friends seems a bit daunting today. I'm discovering how weak I've allowed myself to become by being isolated. Still, instinct is leading me there because any attempt to better any bit of my life is just a horrible train wreck. Feel ridiculously anxious about nothing much. Lying, shaking, and not sure about what, at silly o'clock in the morning. Got to connect somewhere but feel emotionally damaged, ashamed and anxious enough to avoid it all entirely. Not sure who I am. Not sure there is much "I" left. Maybe too much. I know nothing. Everything I think and feel could be a million miles off in either direction. It squirms like an absolute beast on nights like this though......whatever it is - anxiousness or despair usually with me. Anxiousness tonight.

Same kind of day as yesterday. Lazy, sleeping a lot, anxious about nothing much, only now remembering meds, not eating much. Family worried about me and asking if anything's wrong. Me just saying I'm reading a lot and everything is fine. I'm a bad liar. I've been outside my bedroom about one hour a day for the last few days. Thoughts racing. Have a sudden reckless need to affect the world at large around me. Dangerous. Could embarrass myself quite easily. Not quite myself but am I ever? Haven't even been babysitting this week. Other people are off work so have let them get on with it. That's a bad sign as if there's one thing in the world I usually have time for it is her but I feel totally off and want to hide from everything. Have turned nocturnal.

Pretty much insane by this point I think. Have sort of awakened from foetal position, mind-numbing, soul-crushing depression (sort of, but could easily return once my brain starts working rationally again). Have now entered a phase of acting like a complete idiot and throwing my feelings around, possibly fueled by medication and alcohol. It's quite funny in some ways, mostly bittersweet, and feels a bit scary. Or maybe this is just how life is and I'm not used to interacting with it. I feel a bit foolish and wide open. Wish I could delete all this.

Depressed again. Worse at night when I've no distractions. I was in a shopping precinct today and it was all couples, walking around arm in arm, whilst a couple of buskers played The Righteous Brothers. I could have cried. Feel horrible and pointless and of no interest to anyone. Wish I could just end this now. Happy ****ing valentine's weekend.

About as bad as it gets. Wine will be getting drunk and things smoked to get through tonight - survival at any costs. I remember why I isolated myself now all these years ago. I chose it because it's where people wanted me to be anyway - there was never going to be another way or a better life. So I'm back to the worst kind of thoughts that I get through depression and social anxiety - thinking of everyone outside of myself as part of one complete creature and me as another entirely, and the creature knows I'm not as it is, but I sometimes lose sight of that. It's an old thought I had as a kid in primary school, and here it still is, even though it's somewhat irrational. There is truth of a sort since other people are generally more sociable and less isolated than I am, but it's far too close to solipsism and thinking yourself different - which could easily become egotistical and vain if it was ever positive differences rather than negative ones - to be true. It is how it feels though - out of the loop, stupid, naive, unworthy, horrible, contemptible, disgusting, mocked, ridiculous. People scare me and the bigger the group then the worse it is and the more peripheral I feel. That's at about 9/10.

So that's one half, and the depression is.......well, it's leading me to the usual places....and it's up around 8/10 so I'm going for chemical assistance tonight and I don't even feel bad about it. If people knew how this felt then they'd understand.

Meds taken, had a roll and soup. I've got a diet a size zero supermodel would be proud of.

Double bizarre. Another date. I'm going to have more dates this month than the previous decade put together. I'm up high on the depression scale and off the chart on anxiety and suddenly getting women interested in me. Weird. I wasn't even trying and it seems destined to fail but....why not? Should be an entertaining month. From the depths of depression to anxiety on a daily basis. What fun! What a bizarre topsy-turvy year this has been so far. We're all on the reckless rollercoaster.

In retrospect - I've had a bit of a mad time recently. I'm not diagnosed as such but it's almost manic behaviour. A long low, low spell in the dark then up a tiny bit and feeling as though I need to affect things before the next long tunnel. It's made me act a bit out of character. I was throwing my feelings around a bit for a week or two and it's all a bit embarrassing really.

I've now felt better the last few days just because I have something extra added to my life so I'm going to try to just calm down a bit and head for smoother waters. I'm a better person when I do that (if I have the choice).

Note to self - sort out life while you have this mindset.

Anxiety rising a bit but not too bad at the moment compared to what it was before. Just feel a bit unsure of myself tonight after a few days of feeling stronger than that. I like the idea that everyone fits somewhere in the world but I'm not sure I really believe it tonight. And there are too many nights like tonight. It makes you construct a defense mechanism that is ultimately self-defeating. I know all this but instinct is instinct so instead of dreaming of a better life I'm already looking down and preparing for the fall (which can make the fall inevitable if you look for it for too long). Maybe it's just tonight.

Every medium finds it's own message.

Still anxious. I've been living in a pessimistic little bubble for a while. It's depressing and pathetic, but known. Everything outside of that feels a bit threatening and the most challenging and confusing thing of all is when someone decides they like you and you have to put away the instant self-doubting and self-loathing thoughts that follow everything. It's difficult to balance the two so if her feelings endure then I'll have to adjust quickly. It's easier to imagine that they won't endure. I really need to start trying to live in the present rather than looking back and forward all the time.

58 on the depression test. Severe. Still better now than about a month ago. It's mostly anxiety and catastrophic thinking (and there's a certain kind of pessimistic logic to that - once you've accepted the worst that might happen then it makes an event less scary, rather than hoping for something and then being disappointed). And a lot of it is just thought routines. I don't actually feel that bad at the moment. Very anxious but better that than curled in a ball unable to move. I wonder what I would have scored then? I know I'm better than that now just due to the fact I'm attempting things that I wouldn't before but 58 is still too high (especially if that's my lower limit).

I've attempted to add things to my life though. Reconnected with an old friend, a night out with my sister, and a day out/date as well. I should be happy rather than anxious. I'm progressing. I'm also running out of money fast so need a steady job ASAP. If I can manage a social life then I can manage a job. I'm basically an unpaid child minder at the moment.

Things actually very good now. As good as I can remember really. It feels a bit surreal after a bit of a major wobble but somehow or other I have lucked out - as they say. I guess I am pretty love-driven after all after not being for such a long time.

I'm trying hard to keep things relatively smooth rather than jumping in emotions blazing but we are very close very quickly and I hope it lasts for a long time. We adore each other at the moment.

Still have the odd sleepless night and little bit of anxiety and still feel a bit outside of things and uncomfortable around people sometimes but it's nothing compared to before and it's about different things rather than mind-numbing, lie in bed and hope you don't wake up depression and I'm thankful for that.