[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm happy.. That Connor and I have got back together. It happened yesterday. We were talking about it and I told him that I had been planning something nice for the weekend and stuff and told him I wanted us to get back together. He asked when I really wanted it to happen and I said "today.. Now.." and started crying then he asked if I'd take him back and I said yes, which is great! I'm so, so glad we're back together.

I'm just scared things might go back to the way they were. For instance, last night, the pains in my stomach came back with a huge, horrible vengeance and I passed out from the pain I was in. I phoned nhs 24/7 and they just said keep taking painkillers.. I've been doing it for weeks now! And it still hasn't stopped!!!
I was scared to tell Connor, because he might have thought I was "over dramatising" again. I told him though, and he made sure I was ok this morning. I had b*gger all sleep last night and when I did eventually sleep then wake up, I just felt worse than I did before I think it's because I'm worrying taht I'm gonna mess eveything up again, like I did before, you know?

I hate this, really i do.. Because I shouldn't be worrying, but I am and it's causing me to suffer even more.. I'll be seeing a community support worker from SWEDA tomorrow, so maybe I can talk to her about it. I don't know.. I just wish these pains would go away. And now they're causing me to be unable to eat, along with a really sore throat and the flu making me feel like utter poo it's not good.

I just wish I didn't have to suffer with this damned horrible depression and anxiety I never stop woryying about things.. When will it stop? I don't want my depression and anxiety to be the cloud hanging over my whole life, mine and Connor's relationship, everything taht I do.

[madisgram]

(((TPND))) i'm happy for you and connor. don't know the circumstances of you all being apart but hope that things go well for you.
the depression, etc. it takes a long time for us to get to where we got with depression. it takes as much time or more for us to heal and get on with our lives. i know it's hard to be patient about dealing with this but thru work with your t and meds if u take them, you will find improvement. i know cause i was so low at one point in my life. i had no hope at all. it was a gradual change, almost like being reborn-same body, different me inside, so i hope this for you too. try to stay focused on the recovery and stabilization and deal with each day as it comes using the coping skills you learn in therapy. it will fall together and life will offer you so much more! hang in there and know i care about you.

[turquoisesea]

I'm glad for you and Connor,I'm kinda outta it this morning and am not remembering if you have a T ... sorry x.x *tries to recall stuff and FAILS*

But, depression is treatable... I hate it hanging over my relationship. I live with my bf now, he sees me at my worst. He still loves me... we're working through it together. I wish I didnt have to put this on him. I really don't want anyone to have to suffer this least of all him.
But I wanted you to know, relationships can pull through depression, anxiety,crazy stuff.
I hope you can connor can make it through, and I hope you can start getting better, too.

[Tumnus]

PND, I'm barely awake after not sleeping last night but I wanted to send a few hugs your way.

I'm not so worried about your flu but I really think your stomach pains need to be properly diagnosed and treated. I know you are sick and busy with school but I really think some energy should go into that as well. Can C help?

Hope you recover from the flu soon. It's no fun to be sick. I'm getting there myself.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you for your replies. I do have a t, but am getting a new one as the one I see is a pervert. I found out today he's not only been like it with me, but with a fiend of a friend called Becca. A formal complaint is being made to the college.. He got far too close today. I gave him the hardest, coldest stare I have ever given anyone

I went to my dr today and he checked my heart rate, BP and temperature. My heart's got worse.. I have atrial ectopic beats.. I was diagnosed with it about 2 years ago now and after seeing my GP today, I found out that from him listening, it sounds like they've got worse. I have to have an ECG in a couple of weeks' time and have to go back to the surgery if I faint again, to get it dne immediately. Apart from that, just more meds to add to the ones I already have for IBS. Maybe a change of anti d's, but we have to wait a few weeks to see if it calms down at all. If it doesn't, then we may have to see about hospital admission to figure out what it is...

Blergh.. i feel so ill and weak today Don't want to eat anything, but I know that Connor wants me to and.. I just don't want to

I'm sure me and Connor will find a way through this. I hope with all my heart that we do..

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I have to have an ECG in a couple of weeks' time and have to go back to the surgery if I faint again, to get it dne immediately. Apart from that, just more meds to add to the ones I already have for IBS. Maybe a change of anti d's, but we have to wait a few weeks to see if it calms down at all. If it doesn't, then we may have to see about hospital admission to figure out what it is...

What kind of surgery? I don't know anything about your heart condition but I'm pretty familiar with IBS since it's a ailment my family deals with. How serious would the surgery be?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Go back to the dr's surgery I meant.
If it's not anything to do with the IBS and it's a cyst or something, then yes I would probably need surgery.

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Go back to the dr's surgery I meant.
If it's not anything to do with the IBS and it's a cyst or something, then yes I would probably need surgery.

I'm thinking a dictionary to translate UK terms to American terms and vice versa would sometimes be helpful. I sometimes just smile and nod as if I know what someone is saying. Sorry for being a dumb American.

[ThePainNeverDies]

You're not dumb

I'm feeling pretty crap today.. I'm not sure how much longerI'm gonna last.. I'm losing grip

[turquoisesea]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((thepainneverdies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

keep fighting it, I hope all goes well

[ThePainNeverDies]

I've had the stomach pains, migraines, stress aches and my neck's hurting from all teh stress.. It's been a pretty awful fday

Mum phoned earlier and I told her about my twin and adoptive family calling me fat and ugly, coz she asked why I was going to the gym, I said to keep fit and she asked who'd been saying nasty things... she then said "I hate the way our family is falling apart.. You're the only one of you kids that hasn't caused me any hassle/trouble at all. Your Dad would hate it too, I bet he's turning in his grave knowing wat his daughter is doing to her own twin.." This upset me because of my Dad not being here and made me feel guilty for our family falling apart, made me feel good because my Mum appreciates that, although I mightn't be able to answer her calls all the time or see her more than once every few months or so, I'm still a "good daughter to her" I still love her and carea about her and want to see her as much as I possibly can.. But then it made me angry because of my twin being so nasty about Mum, to our Grandparents, to me, about our Father and because of her being so damn stuck up..

I wish that my family, my real, true, loving, caring family could be just that again. Loving, Caring, A FAMILY!

I don't feel so good.. I'm right on the edge and I just know that I'm going to topple over if one more bad things happens

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ThePainNeverDies))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry about your family, at least you do have caring people around you though, try to let that be your "family"

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thankyou.. I guess it's just knowing that so much has messed up.. A lot of it being my fault. Or so it seems anyway.

I want my Mum and step Dad to be my family, but there's just so much that they don't know.. I'm too scared to tell her I suffer with depression, anxiety, an ED, that I self harm and starve etc. I just feel like she;d go nuts about the self harm and try and get me to live with her so she can make sure I eat.. I don't know, maybe I'm just taking an idea and running with it.. I feel so crappy

[turquoisesea]

I dunno, it could be a mix of a lot of things - my mom knows I'm depressed but I was forced to tell her... she does NOT know about si anxiety she thinks was ENTIRELY med based when it's not , anything about dissociation... just nothing really.

I'm not sure if you should tell your mom, if she'd use it to try to control you I guess it's not that great of a thing.

Is there a specific reason you think it's your fault?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Hmmm. I'm kind of stuck about that one. I'm not going to tell her yet, at least not until I feel able to talk to her about it and until I'm in less of a fragile state, more stable.

I think it's my fault because I've been told all my life it's my fault and nobody elses, that I'm the one to blame for everything and that I should be punished for everything that goes wrong etc etc...

I just had my "alcohol dependency" meeting with Jason, the health and wellbeing champion. Our 6 weeks of meetings is up, but he's decided.... He wants to make ME board member for the YMCA!!! I'm so, so chuffed!! Basically, it means going above the manager of the YMCA, to all the chairmen and governors etc and putting my views across, my ideas, opinions and correcting them if they try to twist/change things that other residents here say and such. So.. I'm like.. :woohoo:

So that's something I'm on a high about, plus, by the end of the week Jason will hopefully have arranged dates for me to do the food hygiene certificate so that I can do some cooking classes here :/ scary stuff, me going from thinking I couldn't cook to being kicked out, living alone and being able to cook anything!! Wicked. My week has started brilliantly so far! Woooo!

[turquoisesea]

I think it's my fault because I've been told all my life it's my fault and nobody elses, that I'm the one to blame for everything and that I should be punished for everything that goes wrong etc etc...

I know what you're saying there, I have the same kind of problem. It's something I realized I REALLY have to combat. Just because we've been told this all our lives doesn't make it true. It makes us THINK deep down it's true. (repetition, reinforcement). You don't need to be punished. Make sure you know that, try to say it to yourself, try to change the habit.


And, GRATZ GRATZ GRATZ!!!! *is happy for you*
it must be good to start moving on, have stuff to do.

~turquoisesea
ps sorry about the delay in response, was not on PC very much past few days

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks

I'm trying with the self affirmations and such, it's difficult, but I'm getting there. Reassurance from others is helping, too.

I didn't sleep a wink last night.. Someone that lives here tried to take advantage of the fact that I wasn't fully aware of what I was saying, that I was drowsy.. So started to come onto me.. Scary stuff. Luckily, in my dazed state, I managed to give him the cold shoulder. He came down to my room a while after and spoke to me about it.. I hardly remembered it. He apologised though, which helped.

So.. My meds worked on my brain, my speech (made it slurred), my limbs, everything BUT my body clock so I felt weak and tired and such, but my body clock just wouldn't switc off! Hmph. I'm NOT happy. I'm really, really ill today and I feel sick and tired and weak and grumpy.. Not a good combination when I have to get up early tomorrow, bake a cake for my Mum and see my Mum tomorrow, along with Connor staying over tonight and trying to help out a friend in a bit.

I've taken the day off college AGAIN today.. This is getting ridiculous.. I feel so petty and silly for not going to college just for feeling like this 2 days this week, but.. I can hardly walk anywhere without stumbling, my speech is still slightly slurred and muddled, yet everybody's been saying (especially this morning) how well spoken they've noticed I've been recently.. I don't know why that is :-/ Strange.. I feel horrible for it though, like everyone's laughing at me for it, taking the mickey out of me or something.. Sigh. I got told yesterday that i was singing too "poshly" because it was quite high notes and I'm used to singing in a well spoken manner for that, whhereas with the song I was doing, I'm not neccessarily supposed to.. Grrr. So I'm a bit stuck and confused..

I think if I went to college today, I'd just get on peoples' nerves, they'd get on mine and I'd probably just snap at everyone. So.. I guess it's best that I'm not at college today.. I'm in so much pain

[turquoisesea]

I'm glad you're trying the positive thinking thing, it does help over time

I'm sorry about the sleeping, is it getting any better? I myself have been having trouble with that latley. I tried to stay up past 24 hours to reset the clock but stayed up until 6am last night/morning. Oh well. College can get so difficult. Sadly, you have to get yourself better before you can function in school. I ran into this problem last semester. I didn't take care of myself first - I tried pushing through school and I ended up not being able to handle it because they put me on meds and everything went boom. I hope this does not happen to you. My advice would be to put first priority on figuring out the meds. Try to get a list of the most important classes for you to take right now and only work on them. If you miss one class this semester, you hopefully can make it up later - you're going for at least finishing the semester and getting better so the next can be killer.

have to go for now , sorries, rl calls

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm in my last year at college, hence why I'm fidning it so hard because I'm lagging behind so much.. It doesn't really bother me if I just get in with 3 passes, because I can be a singer anyway, the grade 3 theory and grade 8 singing exams are just a bonus, along with knowing a lot about the music industry and such. i'm going to take a year out of education, plan my tour, help Connor plan his photography tour, then come back to college and do the veterinary nursing apprenticeship and I think I'll enjoy that more, find it easier, because i know a hell of a lot more about animals than I do music.

I'm going to ask Kat at some point what subjects are the very most important and get all those assignments done. It's mainly for music industry that I haven't done them, so.. That's 2 essays to get done

Woke up late this morning, rushed to college, last night I cut.. Really badly.. I have yet to get that sorted out. I went to the hospital, told them what the problem was and they didn't even talk about my arm, let alone look at it, they just talked about why i was feeling crappy and such. So I have a nice, gaping hole in my arm, where I hit a vein :/ and just need to keep it covered up i guess.

Bleh. Today is a messy day for me.

[turquoisesea]

I didn't know you were a singer

I'm glad you're going to be taking a year to get stuff together. and coming back for something refreshing. It sounds like that'll be a really great thing for you. I love animals, they're great to work with

on another note - please get the cut looked at , please. they should have looked at it when you went... this time INSIST on it. i am proud of you for going in for it.
Covering up is good, but healing is a must too. Please take care of yourself

Keep telling me what's going on if you can, I hope Kat can help you figure out what to focus on. Please do take a look at the cut, I hope it can start healing properly

loads of hugs for you
~turquoisesea

ps I'm sorry about delay in response was not online because I was all day in the hospital with my bf (who is home and recovering now)

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks, Turquoisesea.

I just got back from the drs. My ECG scan came back pretty good blood tests, we don't know yet. Won't know until Tuesday. I got the cuts looked at on Tuesday and they couldn't do any stitches or anything, but dressed it. I got it checked again at the drs and there was loads of icky, smelly fluid. So.. I have to go back in next Monday to get it looked at again because it's quite hot to the touch and could have an infection. Blah.

I haven't been able to speak to Kat.. She's not being helpful at the moment. She didn't bother emailing me back to say thanks for letting her know whyy I hadn't been in, but she was able to email me with yet another assignment. Luckily, I've already got the plans for this assignment. It's just a matter of putting them together.

Working with animals will light my life up even more. Animals are the main thing that kept me going in my adoptive "home". I had a cat and a dog. Their fur was a great comfort, along with a great blanket to cry on! :P

Just wish I had my pets now, you know? I know I'm going to be getting Mum's parrot, Charlie. He's a bit of a b*gger though, but I guess I'm just scared Mum's not got much left.. I'm terrified. I barely know her. She's only 48 and she's dying..

Sigh. I just told Connor that I cut. He asked why I didn't tell him before about it and that we could have talked about it. I told him that's the thing, I didn't want to talk about it.. I can't talk about why I did it.. Especially not to him, because i'll cry and i hate him seeing me in so much pain, because it upsets him too..

The gig went ok I guess.. It was lots of fun and I think I did pretty well, but I'm disappointed because I think at the end of could it be magic, which was my best song, I went about a semitone out of tune. Dammit!

It was a pretty good gig, though, lots of laughs and dancing on my part. Just wish I felt that ok all the time. I was so, so conscious of the fact that I was laughing and smiling, forcing the smile for all the people sat in the crowd watching me. Hm. I have to finish my new song..

[turquoisesea]

*hugs*

I'm glad you got the cut looked at. sorry it's so icky too x.x but, they'll take care of it for you/with you.

I'm also glad the gig went ok. Everyone plays or sings out of tune every once in a while - it's so dependent on so many things esp for a singer. Weather, humidity, NERVES (although somehow we're supposed to be superhuman and not be affected )... I wouldn't worry about it too much, because it DOES happen.
I hate fake smiles too - pretending to be ok when I'm not. I guess all our hopes are to get better so that we don't have to fake it anymore.

sorrry about your mom... sorry that you haven't a pet right now, they rae so special...

About Connor...
first I'm really glad that he's understanding and willing to talk about it.
second, I understand your hesitancy to talk about it with him. With my bf I am very VERY open about what's going on, and although it hurts me to see him hurt because of what I did, the way I see it is we share everything, and that it is more important to be open than to walk on eggshells. Although the si is a part of me I hate, it IS a part of where I am now, and I NEVER want to hide myself in front of him. I'm not saying that's how you have to or should be, but keep in mind that there is a balance to keep and that openness is important. Also... I think it's ok not to want to talk about it, or why. Maybe, that's something you can tell him, explain to him that it's so hard to talk about it, that for now you'd rather spend the time with HIM, and make that time HIM and not about the SI. (we also have to be careful that the relationship does not become only about our problems ) AAAHH BALANCING ACT... ROFL .
Realy though, through openness and caring on both sides, you should be ok. And it looks like you both care for eachother. So that's great

sending many hugs,
~turquoisesea

[ThePainNeverDies]

I finally opened up to him and told him about it.. He said that he wished I'd told him sooner because he would have been sympathetic about it, moreso than he was when I told him.. He was really sympathetic about it though and in the end, I completely snapped and broke down, crumbled, whatever you want to call it.. I couldn't breathe, I was bawling my eyes out, whacking my head and such and it was just.. Gahhh, it was awful!

But. One thing that I have decided to do, finally, after much thought, hesitation and advice from Connor and my friends, is to drop out of college.. It took a hell of a lot for me to decide that because I didn't want to prove to everyone in my group thatI'm a quitter, that they've driven me away.. But I am NOT a quitter. I know that for a fact.. I have pushed myself far harder than I should have and look where it's landed me.. A big, sobbing mess. I spoke to Tom, who's a close friend of mine in the group. He told me that it's "only 2 months" and I said to him "Tom.. I've not been in college for 5 days, right? And look at me! I'm sobbing my heart out, angry, stressed and on the brink of OD'ing again! Think what 2 weeks could do to me, let al,one 2 months!" I told him that nobody in the group could give a flying ***** whether I was alive or dead, in the group, or not in the group, just as long as they could be rid of me somehow. I told him that I'm not letting them down because if anything, they want me gone, they've driven me away and now, I'm at the point that I just can't take anymore. He had the nerve to trun around and say "yes, you are letting the group down." And later admitted that it was bulls**t and a way to try and get me to stay, which was pretty unfair..

I guess.. Like I've said to everyone else.. My heart's in my singing, songwriting, guitar playing.. Not the history of music, the theory of it, stage craft and all that jazz.. My heart is in my animals and that's why when I feel ready, I'm going back to college to do the veterinary nursing course. Because I know a hell of a lot more about animals than I do music and I KNOW wholeheartedly that I WANT to learn about the history of animals and how to heal them.. I want to know everything I can about them, I want to offer my care, love, understanding and ability to somehow connect with animals feelings (probably sounds a load of tosh to some ) and I know thatI fit in with other animal lovers.. Animals are what keeps me sane and working with them is something I want to do and am so eager to do.

So.. I'm giving my tutor a couple of weeks' notice, doing the Bath festival and if she wants me to do the FMP (Final Major Project) gig, I will. I'd love to, in fact.. But the only lessons I'll be attending are the ones for the FMP practise. I know now that my life will be less stressful, less full of things to do, less looking ahead with college work, moving into new flats, getting a job, feeding myself, cleaning, fitting everything in around college, you know? It's gonna be tough leaving, but.. It seems the only way. I won't have failed, as I discovered this morning.. Because I will be leaing with the grades I got last year and they were excellant.. That's because I threw myself into the work to distract myself from my problems.. But it doesn't work anymore, college is just another problem. Tom said that he hates knowing I'm gonna leave, as the best singer in the goup.. But I told him that I'm sick of not being appreciated for it.. The only people that appreciate my voice are the first years, but that's no use because I don't work in bands with them!

One thing I worry about, though, is Sam.. She is just like me, the spitting personality.. She is always apart from the group, quiet, shy, unconfident, needs people to understand her.. S he is so misunderstood.. Just like me.. So, I have added her on Facebook and I'm going to help her as much as I can, especially if it all gets too much for her, because she's pregnant and due in like.. 3 weeks or so.. So.. I'm gonna be there for her, because I kno how it feels to be so alone.

The cuts are healing quite well, just keep getting that stinky, nasty fluid coming out and now have a huge array of blisters going up my arm :/ the nurse said it's ok, she'll check it at the end of the week. So.. Yeah. Last night I was having a meltdown, complete, nasty, ugly meltdown. But having spoken to Connor, told him exactly how I felt, he helped me to realise that college isn't a getaway place for me, it's the main stressor at the moment.. And with around 8 assignments to get done in the space of 6 weeks.. Nuh-uh. I just can't do it.

So.. I'm left with finding a job in the space of 2 weeks, which I want to be based around animals, but beggars can't be choosers and I now have the spare time and freedom to find a flat I like, be able to afford it, be able to go to all my counselling sessions and such and just.. Put my life back on track, THEn and only then, can I go back to college.

I just hope it all works out well..

[turquoisesea]

Loads and loads of hugs to you...
I'm glad the cuts seem to be ok to the nurse, that is good.

I wanted to say, YES to the paragraph about how you want to return for veterinary stuff later. If that is what you love, go for it. I'm glad you can see you're stuck where you are right now, because that means you can get out

And YAY to telling connor - that must have been SO hard for you, because it was all kept inside all this time, I was so nervous to tell my bf the first time. But I'm glad you did - now it's out in the open, and he can begin to understand. That's so important ...

You're not quitting. You're changing your goal. That's a difference. It would be silly to continue with something just because you started it... it needs to mean something to you, you're not quitting on YOU. And that's the most important thing of all. You're NOT quitting on keeping yourself safe, on picking a future that YOU WANT. And that is wonderful.

When you leave the school where are you going? Is home far? This friend of yours, would there be any way to visit, to keep physical contact? Or at least phone calls and stuff? Just some thoughts.

Hope you're doing ok today, and sending many hugs

[ThePainNeverDies]

Indeed it was incredibly hard to tell Connor exactly how I felt and about the cutting etc, but I did it and I'm glad I did because I now have more faith in his reactions, thathe won't react angrily and just get me more upset.. It's been 10 days since the last cut, which is pretty darn good for me considering how the last 3 nights have been what with wanting to od and such, even worse than when I last landed myself in hospital because of taking a major overdose. I know what can kill me and I'm walking on very thin ice with my emotions at the moment. I'm scared of myself.

I guess.. You're right about not quitting, just changing my goal and the factthatthere's no point in just carrying on with something because I started it. I spoke to Abi, my key support worker, yesterday and she said that on your CV, dropping out of college looks worse than not going to college at all, and just doing nothing for two years. Yes, it may do that, but if I just want to work with animals, whatarethe people at the veterinary surgery gonna care? I'm going to be doing theveterinary nursing course next year, working for them, putting all my passion and hard work into helping heal animals, so how much is dropping out of a music course going to matterb to them? I knwo it may be hard to get any other normal job because of that, but.. I guess they'll just have to overlook that and realise thatactually, I have the drive to do anything that I want to, considering I pushed myself way over the limit. Abi's writing a letter to my tutor, Kat, and David Forde, who's the manager of performaing arts and music, and I have to speak to them both today to find out if I can do distance learning, so that i don't have the pressures of college and the people in the class bringing me down and can get all teh assignments done within those 6 weeks, probably way less than that, by getting notes from lectures and other such things, sent to me so that I can do all the work at home, all the assignments, at my own pace, with more free time to do it.

I added her on Facebook, so we can keep contact that way and I will also probably get her numbeat some point. I'm going to let her know thatI'm there for her and talk to her about the course etc because I'm so scared that she'll go the same way as me, especially with a baby on the way, due in about 2 weeks. I don't ant anyone else to have to go throughwhat hell I've been through with college, if I can help them, you know? Home's not thatfaraway and I'll eb coming into college to see Connor anyway, so I'll be able to come into college and help her if she needs it.

I know I'm not quitting on me and I justcannot believe how low Tom stooped as to tell me that I'm letting the whole group down, just to try and make me stay. Yeah, he doesn't want to see me "the best singer in the group" leave, but there's no need to try and push my guilt tripping buttons. That's just unfair.

I saw a new counsellor yesterday, called Caroline. It's to deal with all the childhood abuse and the rapes etc. We got on really well, but each session is £25, plus money to get the bus there and doing that, i wouldn't be able to afford to live properly, so she's going to try and get it made even lower and for now, i just have to sit out for a while and wait until I start to get a better income. Let's hope that's very soon. I spoke to her about the first rape, about the guy that did it being in college and she said it must be extremely difficult to see him walking around college staring me down, so smug thathe got away with what was blatantly a rape. I said that yes, it is, he makes me feel weak and stupid , like I shouldn't even be living. But first of all, after introductions and such, she said "I have to say at your age, such a young age and with all that you've been through, just from this very short paragraph I have about you, you're very courageous and brave to have come here, at such an early stage in your life, too. It took me much longer to see a counsellor!" It was nice to hearthat from a counsellor

I saw the guy that raped me the first time (Dean), today and he had that sick, twisted smile and the smug look on his face as he walked towards me to go down the corridor. Atfirst I felt like I was going to collapse or something, but instead, before he could see me, I smiled and carried on walking, staring at him as he walked past. He dropped eye contact first *YES!* and, although it made me feel weak and nervous because I was scared that he might hit me or something, I felt So empowered at that moment that I actually laughed - and punched the air I felt like finally, I'd started to show him that he can't bring me down, no matter how hard he tries, he can't break down my barriers and he can't get to me. Not like he did with the violent rape. I just don't understand how he could get away with it!! It was so blatant what he did! I mean, come on, he used the date rape drug, for crying out loud! How the hell does thatnot SCREAM that it was rape?! HOW???? It makes no sense at all. It makes me sick how he got away with it, I have no idea whatsoever how on Earth anyone could get away with what was so blatantly rape.. How he could make it so *******ed obvious and then lie about it, then get away with it! Yeah, alcohol was involved, but I'd known him for months and the staff at the ymca had even told me that he was a great guy.. How could I have known that he would do something like that?!

Sigh. Rant over. I'm dreading choir. Kat's gonna try and have a pop at me, but I won't stand for it.