[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

For ADULT eyes only (sorry but please no younger ones/alters or immature people)

****************Trigger warning**************

Back a few years ago my t asked me if I had an alter that came out during... Intimate relationships. I didn't think so at the time and still don't really think so but...

I've noticed a connection with that lately. Every time it seems to start, even though I am in a safe and committed relationship, every time the intimacy begins I start to space out. It feels like something is pulling me away and it happens every time. I have to focus and do grounding skills often while I am trying to not ruin the mood. Come to think of it though there have been nights I thought I fell asleep in the beginning stages of the intimacy but perhaps I didn't?

Anyways, just wondering if anyone else deals with this and how you can tell if your switching during or not. When I can't really feel it or anything and am kind of just watching from far behind my eyes, is it still me or could it be someone else?

I don't know if anyone can answer this for me and I'm sure I should bring it up with a t but as I've posted many times before, I don't have one yet but it becomes more and more obvious that I need one with each day that goes by. Any advice or understanding would be so very appreciated! Thanks for listening.

[pegasus]

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Spacing out during sex is very normal for someone that has been sexually abused as a child. Safe hugs to you.

[(JD)]

I agree with pegs...

now that you are beginning to realize you probably are dissociating during those times, well, it means that you are more able to deal with it (and perhaps enjoy it in the future.) If you weren't able you would still be clueless, as you were when your T first queried you. This means you're healing... but it's still a process. Don't worry yourself about it, but if you really do wish to engage yourself in the romantic moods, be gentle with yourself and keep working on grounding.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you Pegasus and JD. It's just so strange how all of this works. The dinial, the acceptance, the signs that point to it, the feeling that I can't have it... I don't know why denial has to be such a large part of this. Now that I fully understand what dissociating is, I'm realizing more and more how much it's happening. But I've known what it was for a couple of years now, it seems once I started to feel more safe though in my relationship and in my life that these problems began or at least that I started to notice them. Perhaps because everything is much more calm now I am able to better focus on myself, or perhaps because I feel safe now what/whomever is inside feels much safer at breaking down and dealing with all of the issues from my past.

Until last year I thought I was so strong. I thought I was one of the strongest emotionally in the world. Considering my past and how little I knew it was effecting me. That was in my DID denial phase. Now that things are starting to surface and such it's making me feel less and less sane by the moment.

I guess it's the name of the game though.

I am having such a hard time telling if it's an "alter" or if it's me so much... I'm starting to notice certain things... Like when I look in the mirror, about 40 percent of the time I look like me but about 60% of the time I recognize the face but it looks so foreign to be looking at in the mirror. I talk to people and am aware that I'm talking to them but am not as aware of what I am saying. Like I'm only there 30% the other 70% is on vacation or something and I'm pretty much only there to make sure things don't get screwey.

I will say my name sometimes and while I'm saying it, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I don't know if these things are seperate or not but they are making me have a difficult time in noticing the difference between myself and them. I know we are the same, but if there are different personalities and such, wouldn't I know I was a different personality at the time and not just feel like a different person?

When I'm going through the motions of talking but don't know what I'm saying... When I'm only like 30% there to watch really but am somehow managing to hold a conversation I know nothing about, is that me or them? When I'm thinking or just sitting and someone says I said something I was saying or even un related but I don't have any memory of actually vocally saying anything, is that me or them?

It's so confusing I really need a t!!!!!

[Miracle1986]

I space out too... and used to switch.

[RapidFlyer]

Best Wishes and hang in there, PurpleFlyingMonkeys. For me Dissociating during intimacy was normal given what I had been through. Becoming aware of it and dealing with the awareness was the abnormal part. Slowly I became accustomed to what it felt like, who it was, and what happened when. Dialogue opened up between the people involved in that particular activity.

Once the dialogue started between the people inside things got lots easier and we could coordinate and relax. The time for intimacy became special and safe. This did not happen over night but it did happen.

As primary person I oversee operations, but everybody has a say that is left. It has taken a long time to get here and lots of work with a therapist. Every minute has been worth it.

Happy New Years EVE!!!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm having a difficult time telling the difference between myself (whom is supposed to be the host... I think...) and my alters... I don't know if it's my schizophrenia part doing this and perhaps I am "dilusional" in thinking I could be an alter some times but where is that line drawn? How do you know? As much as I deny and refuse to "believe" I have DID, I know I do. I know what caused it, I know why I have it. I know why the doctors insist I have it. I know why I should believe I have it. But I still have doubts. Despite the thoughts I can tell when I'm not me, but there is a difference in how I feel when I'm in that fog and when I just don't know who I am. My head is clear when I don't feel like me. So am I still me but forgetting me or am I them? Goodness this is so gosh darned confusing!

[Gr3tta]

This has happened to me a lot, PurpleFlyingMonkeys. It is hard to sort out what precisely is going on, but be assured you are not the only person wrestling with this!

Interesting... I am incapable of having any type of intimate relationship, because the one who handles this stuff is very untrustworthy. She will flirt, I would even call her promiscuous, but she's under tight reigns. You can't trust her for 5 seconds. She would sleep with anyone and everyone. I can only hope on a daily basis that she hasn't, because of this fear of her taking over we are not allowed in any type of intimate relationship at all. We are told to fear all men and what they bring to the table. They only want to sleep with you.

I don't think that I would be present either if I was intimately involved with any other person, male or female.

[dragonfly2]

First let me say that I have no experience with DID, nor am I a mental health professional. What you are describing is what depersonalization and derealization feels like to me. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, I'm not connected to what I am saying or doing, yet I am aware of my words and actions. It's just from a distance, but I do not feel like I am in control of it. But it is definitely me. I often don't quite remember conversations, not from the effects of any sort of amnesia or alter, but sort of how you don't always remember everything you see in a movie - even if you're watching it, you're not really feeling the full experience of it and some details slip through the cracks. At least that's how it works for me. This may very well be separate from the times you do switch, and is simply another way your mind dissociates from things.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Purpleflyingmonkeys))))

You are not alone. It is hard to talk about but I cannot and do not stay present. Something somewhere clicks and I am gone and when I come back nothing makes sense and I am terrified.

I also had one within that would initiate and then go away when things started getting intimate, forcing out a little who always took a lot of the abuse. She has always been very permiscuous but I believe that was what she had to be. I know that she looks for love however she can get it but when it hurts she does not stay.

(But not long ago though she had to stay out and deal with what she did and she has not initiated it again---she hated it. It was hard but something she needed to realize she was doing and causing pain to the system).

When I come back I am withdrawn and crying, not really knowing what just took place. A fear hits me and I run. For now I am not seeing anyone as it is too much and too hard to try to explain or to deal with.

Looking in the mirror is hard and often I do not really see myself looking back at me, but a stranger at times and it really scares me. It is hard to explain but often it is through my eyes that give way that I am not fully present. I know when I look in the mirror and my hair is done in a very young style that another has taken over and it is not how I would normally wear it. It is hard to really put words to what I want to say but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

dps

[Claritytoo]

I hardly ever look in the mirror. About ten or more years ago I looked in the mirror and I was startled at who I saw. I remember looking directly into my eyes and there was emptiness. It frighten me. Since than I rarely look in the mirror and if I do I don't look into my eyes.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for all of the replies. I'm sorry that others can relate. As far as depersonalization and derealization goes, I've always dealt with that. I assumed it came from a part of the DID but perhaps they are seperate. It's really confusing. I don't think I have all of these seperate things wrong with me, it can't be. They say I'm bipolar 1, schizophrenic, manic depressive, DID, ptsd and severe anxiety. There has to be some kind of connection, something that clicks them all together. No one can be this messed up and still be functioning. If I try to figure out what each is caused by, I'll be in a huge tangles mess. The symptoms always mimic eachother. I've also been diagnosed borderline and OCD but those are the two dx's I know I don't have. I have borderline and ocd tendencies but I am not borderline or OCD.

The only connection I can really see is my childhood. I know my parents were dx'd with almost everything I have been dx'd with (apart from DID) but everything seems to get much worse when I'm reminded of my childhood or my past trauma.

During a traumatic night when I was 14 a man did something. The last thing I can remember before I blacked out. My boyfriend wants to do that but he doesn't know. He tries and often wonders why I don't want him to. But he never really asks me other than when I'm on the spot right there and I don't want to get into details at that moment. But it kind of messes me up pretty bad. Other little things that he does, I know it's normal for boyfriends to do it, and I love the fact that 2 years later he's still obviously attracted to me, but a lot of the touches can be triggering. It's so hard to fight the triggers. When I'm not looking especially. It partially brings me back to when I was younger. I go into defense mode and think I'm being attacked. But I've learned to fight it and I've learned to pretend like it's not upsetting me.

But perhaps ignoring this is why I've been fading out more. I can feel it. I kind of want to trigger it intentionally. I kind of want to do an experiment. I'm without a t at the moment but hopefully in a couple weeks I will get a referral for one. While I'm on my own I've been really curious... What will happen if I just allow a blackout? Without fighting it? Perhaps fighting it is why it's always such a dramatic time when I'm blacked out? Or perhaps if I black out on my own accord I can finally know what's going on. Kind of... Maybe set up a camera and record it? I don't know how to blackout on my own but I have some ideas. I've thought of intentionally triggering myself, I know what not to think about so maybe the key is to think about the things I've been avoiding?

[Indigo7]

Hi, I find in alot of situations i detach its like im looking through my eyes but everything that is going on is on auto pilot i can have conversations with people and be at work or anywhere getting on with whatever but its like im watching it all from behind my eyes, does that make sense? its like im sitting inmy head watch my body move an talk then il be me again. I have lived with this for some time an when i talked to bf about it he freaked out a bit, so i have kept quite about it for along time, I havnt been to a T since I was 14, but likewise feel that is something that needs to be addressed. I dont know if anything i said is at all helpfull but at least Here at PC you can hope to find people who understand.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

That does help to know you're not alone indigo. That really is something that should be addressed, I've addressed it with my past t's before. The last time I talked to a t about it was a couple years ago. I watched myself from far back in my head. I was watching my body yelling and I went to hit someone but stopped a couple inches away. My body started to laugh and walk away and I'm stuck far in the back not realizing what happened or how to get in control again. At that time my t was working with me on trying to become co conscious and I was taking meds that helped progress that I guess you would call it. They really just made me dissociate out the wazoo. But yeah the feelings you described are very very familiar to me

Purple, if you are in a safe place, maybe giving in to the blackness isn't the worst thing. I personally hate it/love it.

I used to switch A LOT during intimate relations. My husband says that he can tell most of the time because the new person would almost always yawn and stretch like when you are just waking up. He felt guilty and weird about it at first, but then just relaxed and went with it. A few months ago, we had a big fight though because he was going on and on and ON about how great sex had been, HOW AMAZING, how wonderful. And I had NO MEMORY of having sex or what we had done, and I was pissed that he hadn't noticed it wasn't me, and that someone in my head was apparently so much better in bed than me. Seriously, after 20 years together, what the heck did this person DO to impress him so much????

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Just remember, even though they are different from you, they are you so what amazed him in bed was what you did. Maybe not mentally but it was you doing it. Perhaps it was a more care free alter, one that wasn't restrained by past memories from doing things he wanted to try, just remember if it's you or an alter, at least he's not leaving and finding other women. I could imagine it would be difficult from him not knowing who or when he's actualy with you. But I could imagine it being even harder feeling like he's cheating when technically he's not. Have you tried talking calmly about this with him? Letting him know how it makes you feel?

I really don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here. It's hard enough remembering who I am at this moment. So yeah... I'm lost right now... I don't remember this thread... But I know I should. I know I will after I read over it again, something will click and I will remember. I have to reread things so much sometimes. Even seconds after I write them. Oh well it is what it is.

[dragonfly2]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I assumed it came from a part of the DID but perhaps they are seperate. It's really confusing. I don't think I have all of these seperate things wrong with me, it can't be. They say I'm bipolar 1, schizophrenic, manic depressive, DID, ptsd and severe anxiety. There has to be some kind of connection, something that clicks them all together. No one can be this messed up and still be functioning.

If it helps any, typically from my experience and in speaking with my clinicians, my understanding is that bipolar disorder and manic depression are the same thing (though the term "manic depression" has typically been referred to me as classic bipolar, or bipolar I) and some clinicians will look at symptoms of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and combine them into schizoaffective disorder in certain cases. PTSD and anxiety can go hand in hand and symptoms of depersonalization and derealization are often seen in many illnesses, including bipolar disorder. The DP/DR is not necessarily a separate thing. So, your list may be shorter than you realize. It would take a clinician to help you sort it all out. My DP/DR symptoms are from Depersonalization Disorder due to trauma, which is separate from my bipolar 1 because my dissociative episodes are independent of my moods.

At the end of the day, it's all a big alphabet soup that can become very muddled. Just take some comfort in knowing that some of these things may not be as separate as you may think.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

You are very correct. It's so confusing though. When I was first diagnosed it was bipolar and schizophrenic. They soon after added the manic depressive to the list, perhaps to rule out the bipolar since I believe from what I was told schizophrenia and bipolar can mimmic eachother but a big difference is the mania. Well it's clear I have mania and it's rather clear I am "schizophrnic" but really there's no telling which of the schizo disorders I am. I don't think I fit perfectly into schizophrenia or bipolar. I also don't think I fit perfectly into PTSD but anxiety is pretty spot on. I have severe anxiety and always have. But if these are chemical disorders, something wrong mentally that can not be fixed than I wonder how to tell which can be fixed and what can not be fixed?

I guess I am the result of someone who was destined through DNA and through childhood experiences to become this huge messy mixed up puzzle. It kind of seems to me like you have 20 small chains. Like necklaces you wear, if you wear more than one or two they all get knotted together. Well it feels like these disorders are all different necklackes all mixed and tangled around my neck smothering me but I can't figure out how to seperate them and fix them.

It comes with time and work I suppose. If I could narrow those 20 chains down to 3 or 4 chains even, just get it narrowed down to be able to see where the root of these problems are coming from, and I'm sure it's a different root for each problem, it would be much easier for me to figure all of this out. I suppose this is why it takes doctors 8 years to get a psychology degree, nothing is as simple as it seems.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I don't know if I'm "switching" or not or just coming close or what since I don't blackout as often any more. But this dissociating is getting more intense... My red flags are going up in every direction. I am hypersensative and I am on edge. Small things that didn't bother me before are starting to take its toll on me today. Perhaps I'm just having an off day...

Last night was pretty intense with my boyfriend. I think it upset within. Today is rough, today I'm being reminded very frequently just how jumpy and edgy I can get. Feel like a little kid hiding from the monster in her closet, only I know there's no monster. I don't know what I want to hide from... But all I want to do is hide.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I don't know if I'm "switching" or not or just coming close or what since I don't blackout as often any more. But this dissociating is getting more intense... My red flags are going up in every direction. I am hypersensative and I am on edge. Small things that didn't bother me before are starting to take its toll on me today. Perhaps I'm just having an off day...

Last night was pretty intense with my boyfriend. I think it upset within. Today is rough, today I'm being reminded very frequently just how jumpy and edgy I can get. Feel like a little kid hiding from the monster in her closet, only I know there's no monster. I don't know what I want to hide from... But all I want to do is hide.

By the time I went to therapist I was having full blown panic attacks, crying for no none reason, getting angry at everything and everyone, having compulsive thoughts, I wasn't able to focus and was confused most of the time. I was jumpy and on edge. This behavior was happening at home and at work. I thought I was insane. My first therapist got me through a very scary time but he did not know I had DID. He did have me take anti anxiety medication which helped with the panic attacks but not my racing and compulsive thoughts. I than began an antidepressant and although it is a low dose it calmed the thoughts in my head and I began feeling less confused. In stead of what seemed like a hundred different thoughts at one time I was now able to see my thoughts as coming form another self. This has allowed me to work with my present therapist addressing my DID and past trauma. I don't know if this helps. I hope you start to feel better. Take care. I want to also say I am not a fan of medication and put it off for a long time. But I have to say if I wasn't taking medication I would still be lost in my head and confused.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by dragonfly2

First let me say that I have no experience with DID, nor am I a mental health professional. What you are describing is what depersonalization and derealization feels like to me. I don't recognize myself in the mirror, I'm not connected to what I am saying or doing, yet I am aware of my words and actions. It's just from a distance, but I do not feel like I am in control of it. But it is definitely me. I often don't quite remember conversations, not from the effects of any sort of amnesia or alter, but sort of how you don't always remember everything you see in a movie - even if you're watching it, you're not really feeling the full experience of it and some details slip through the cracks. At least that's how it works for me. This may very well be separate from the times you do switch, and is simply another way your mind dissociates from things.

I have very much the same experience you discribe here. I am doubting now that I have DID, although I am and have always been aware of my anger to the right of me and a small me to my left. They have always been with me. But maybe that is not DID. The other day I became upset during my session with the t and was defensive and agitated. I remember seeing me as in my 40s and with dark hair. I am in my 50s with light hair. But I remember seeing her and hearing the conversation between her and my t. I could not talk to her, She seemed unaware that I was there. My t said that her patients come knowing they dissociate and will switch in session. They have names, like, dislikes, lives. Mine don't. One is innocent and likes fun she is young, another is 16 and sarcastic and seems to know what is going on even when I don't. Another is anger/rage and still another is me young. But they don't have names, likes or dislikes that I am aware of or separate lives. They are understood by me to be moods. With thoughts to express what they are feeling. But fun does not get angry, 16(sarcastic) does not have simple fun, anger/rage is only anger/rage and does not talk, small me is afraid but never another feeling. This is not like what I have read on line or read on this site. But I don't know what else it could be. Right now I am completely without direction. I don't want to be treated for something I don't have. But I am coming apart and need help. I am going to copy this and send it to my t maybe I just never explained it clearly enough.

[LeafLace]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I will say my name sometimes and while I'm saying it, it feels like I'm talking about someone else.

Even as a small child, my given name didn't sit well with me. Only over the past year and a half, since I finally sought treatment and began to unravel this mystery, have I been to able to respond to by being called by or identifying myself with it without irritation or feeling like I was lying and even still, it sometimes doesn't feel like my name.

I also strongly relate to the feeling of distance and spacing out during intimate moments. I didn't know I was dissociating until I became sexually active as a teenager. It happened from the first experience on and though I immediately recognized it and my behavioral patterns surrounding intimacy as reminiscent of a survivor of abuse, I had no conscious memory whatsoever until I was in a commited relationship in my early twenties and began experiencing flashbacks during intimacy.

Around the same time, I also began experiencing night terrors, which still affect my sleep and though the dreams themselves were not obviously connected to any trauma, they happened almost without fail when I was sleeping next to my partner, or even my best friend, as opposed to occasionally when sleeping alone.

I wondered about dissociation for years but until I was diagnosed with MDD and CPTSD and started sorting through my symptoms with T, no one I ever talked to took the idea seriously and even she was skeptical that it could be more than the typical amount of dissociation most people experience while doing every day activities.

It wasn't until T took an extended leave of absence and I decided to substitute twice weekly appointments with other (unfortunately less structured) outings, (I rarely leave the house otherwise,) that I began to realize I had a lot of other things going on that I failed to report to T because I wasn't even aware of them. It was as if whole pieces of my life were hidden in a different drawer in my brain.

You're definitely not alone in the confusion, PFM. It takes a lot of time and energy and patience to sort this stuff out and just when I think I have a handle on things, I turn a corner and there's a whole new mystery to unravel.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Last night was particularly uneasy at some points. As mentioned above by leaf, I was having flashbacks during intimate times last night. Also a lot of unpleasant thoughts but I was eventually able to calm myself. I have been thinking about how to break the news to him that I want us to be "abstinant" (spelling?) until I/we get married. I don't want him to take it personally so I'm going to have to tell him how I've been getting "triggered". Hopefully he will understand. He's been very understanding so far. I just don't want him to think he's the reason for it. Really it's because I have a guilty conscience (being Christian and the premarital thing) and it's really been triggering lately.

It's getting kind of worse. I'm starting to get snappy with him. He will initiate it and I start to feel like I'm getting pulled out but I can see myself giving him a evil look and pushing him away. He's been picking up on it too. I can tell. It's not him at all, I don't know why but the last few days I feel an overwhelming amount of anger and worry and confusion during this time.

I think, with this anger thing starting to surface, perhaps a break at least until I can calm whatever/whomever it is that is getting so upset. I just hope my boyfriend understands he's not the reason for all of this confusion.

I didn't realize I was such a mess until I started trying to fix myself, but I guess that's the way life works.

[anderson]

sending safe hugs
it took us a long to accept that each part of me had a job that kept us safe from fear and pain. But it is working together that has helped us become more aware of what is happening and learning that some things that were bad in the past could be good with the right person.
just remeber u are not alone