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#1
Apr 16, 2016, 05:32 PM
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im posting here because i dont know where else to post...
i usually post on the depression forum but i feel like it doesn't belong there... i have been trying not to post at all... well, apparently i have messed up... im so stubborn... i think i am an atomic man sometimes.. and nothing can break me... but apparently i can break myself... my obsessiveness probably has gotten the best of me this time... and im not really sure what to do as i have never felt this before and i can't turn to anyone in my life because this is something i dont want anyone to know... i try very hard all the time to hold my composure, some how i wear a smile and can muster up enough words to look normal (normal for me) to talk enough so that people wont ask me if i am ok... because i dont want anyone to know what happens inside me... they know i am forgetful and have a hard time remembering things.. but it has become more than that... im so stupid... i don't really know what to say... i have eagerly been researching lots of things and reading things i shouldn't... i dunno, im an idiot... i thought "prepare" so i read... and read... but i have pushed too many buttons i think... the way i am feeling is not any way i have ever felt before... but then again i dont know how i used to feel... i cant put this into words... its just that what ever i did... has made a lot of things happen... i am constantly having flashbacks... of alot of various things... its not like the flashbacks im used to... i am actually there... i cant function like this... its as good as being sleep walking... worse even because atleast there is structure to dreams... today has been really hard... i have been trying to stay away from everything related to ... anything that could make me think about anything... these forums included... i wasn't going to post anymore about this stuff... but i feel like i have to because i am worried... i guess you would call it worried... its not... its more like "wtf"... earlier while my brother was visiting i was trying to hang around and talk with him and dad and sister and blabla... and they started talking about birthdays... and some how it got around to my sisters baby and what year she was born and i was trying to think and i became so disorientated... i mean i have been feeling like this for past day or so but today has been bad... i had some weird kind of flashback where i felt like i was at a few different places at one time... and i thought it was 2012 and trying to ignore the feelings inside of me i quickly said "she was born in 2013?" and everyone looked at me and they said its 2016 now and i just... i usually dont say anything when i get confused.. but i became scared... i just chuckled a little and said something like oh right dunno what i was thinking... i have always been able to moderate i guess but i think my obsessiveness has caused a momentary break of control... or something... and i just dont know... im nervous that my brain is shutting down or something is going to happen to me and they are going to send me to the hospital and i don't want to go to the hospital... or im going to pop out of my body and never be able to come back... im just profoundly confused... and i feel so unstable... i dont know how to explain... i was just wondering what i should do... how can i slow down or stop the flashbacks so i can just wait till i can talk to a therapist... the only thing i know to do is get drunk... drink drink drink is what my mind says... because in that state, it doesnt matter... im scared of myself... im questioning too much... doubting too much... lost... i just wanna go back to being depressed where i cant think or feel anything or feel so much pain i cant think... anything until i can talk to someone... but i have never felt like this before... i feel like i messed up... like i will never feel normal again... or what i used to call normal... i feel like im not making any sense... but i have to try to ask someone because i need to be reasurred that i am going to be ok... im losing it... blah... im gonna drink some wine and try to hope that helps... i haven't been self medicating for a long time... i think 2 years since i started to cut things down and try to be more conservative with the amount of things i do... and this past year i have pretty much quit everything... it was so much easier when i was high all the time... what is wrong with me, why would i push myself like this, im such an idiot... sorry, im not trying to alarm anyone... i will be fine... im not in danger i dont think.. i just feel like im not myself.. i dunno who i am really.. i keep trying to think about it but when i do i just disapear in my mind and i dont wanna go there... i wanna forget for a little while longer... but it feels like it wont stop, what have i done to myself...  i should of known... dumb dumb dumb... this song says it a little... sorry about rambling... just tell me i am ok so i will think that someone is real and that maybe it will be ok... i have been trying to write in a new journal... so i wont write too much here...  i feel so stupid for writing this... i delete and re-write and delete and re-write... i am just feeling strange... uncertain... ambivalent... perplexed... confused... why do i do these things to myself  well, thanks for reading... throw me a rope if you can... or a bone.. i try not to write too much and end up saying 1 thing in a million words... sorry im not feeling very articulate... i hope im not dieing... there really is things i want to do yet...
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 1976kitchenfloor, Anonymous37827, Anonymous48690, Fuzzybear
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#2
Apr 16, 2016, 06:34 PM
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It's ok! Sending you a hug of understanding. "Flip outs" happen to me too and it feels like I'm deep under the water trying very hard to get to the top and air. That happened to me a bit back and I told God that I couldn't do this. He told me to stop fighting the water and relax. He showed me, in my spirit, a mental vision of myself in the water relaxing and I felt such a relief. There was peace.
I hope that you are encouraged that you are not alone and are understood. You are brave and you are totally ok!! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
| elevatedsoul
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#3
Apr 16, 2016, 06:39 PM
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BTW. I ramble too when I feel that way too. No apology needed!
 Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
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#4
Apr 16, 2016, 07:31 PM
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hmm... do you ever feel blank?
like there is no future.. there is no past.. there is no present.. there is no memories.. there is no thought.. there is nothing, i am nothing... there is no wind... there is no air... i cant see that there is anything... word cant explain i dont know who i am... i have a name... but thats someone everyone thinks i am... and even then i cant completely remember him... i just keep listening to a song i did over and over... trying to rewind...
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#5
Apr 16, 2016, 07:41 PM
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i think this i have not...
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it is just nothing  it is me... i am nothing you know... i dunno how to explain it... i wish i could think better ...
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#6
Apr 16, 2016, 07:42 PM
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This is where I go when I feel that way.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
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#7
Apr 16, 2016, 07:52 PM
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thats nice song... its a song i could learn to play on the guitar too
i should play the guitar more... but i dont want to... for some reason i cant do anything to draw attentiont to myself... if im good at it, i self sabotage... dont let people know your talents and gifts... sometimes i feel a great pressure at this spot  and it travels up through everything from the foramen magnum  ever felt that before? it makes me close my eyes and my neck gets tense and my head will start to tilt forward...
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#8
Apr 16, 2016, 07:53 PM
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Hey! I checked my link and it didn't work for me. Sending it again in case it didn't work for you the first time. Really want to share it with you!!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
| elevatedsoul
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#9
Apr 16, 2016, 08:05 PM
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i listened to it
 thats the kind of stuff i used to play, i guess... 5-8 years ago i dont sing btw, i probably can... but no
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#10
Apr 16, 2016, 10:26 PM
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ok... i have drank a bottle of wine so i feel like i can think a little better, even though that sounds stupid
when i was young... 3...4...5 years old... i felt like i was obligated to be a protector of my mother... obviously i dont remember very much... but the things i do know are enough... i would do everything i could for her... i would wake up early to make coffee and she tells me i made peanut butter sandwhiches for her... but this is the hard part... the reason why i was doing it is not so nice i guess... these probably are triggering things to read...
Possible trigger:
im sorry... i just need someone.... i dont want to rely on anyone... but i just needed to tell someone... i know i will regret posting... but please be gentle with me... i dunno what else to do... im trying not to self harm..... 
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| Anonymous37827
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#11
Apr 16, 2016, 10:38 PM
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im reallly uncomfortable with that post, but if i dont say it how can i get any better
Grrrrrrrrrrr 
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#12
Apr 16, 2016, 11:08 PM
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((((((((((elevatedsoul))))))))))))))
Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk |
| elevatedsoul
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 elevatedsoul
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#13
Apr 16, 2016, 11:13 PM
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ive been a fake my whole life...
but if i turn into the real me ill get in trouble... i dont wanna hurt anyone... but people have hurt me... sorry... im an idiot sometimes... then i bleed... but now i sleep... i will dream... but never peep.. it is to late... to find the escape... it is my fate.... to never wake... hmm... i forgot to mention that we moved out of the house that we came back to from foster care last year.. so i spent... like... i dunno.. 10 years there... i did alot of things there... now when i walk outside here at this house... it feels really weird... i feel like i dont belong...
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; Apr 16, 2016 at 11:35 PM. |
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#14
Apr 17, 2016, 01:04 AM
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Quote:
Writing it in a journal is okay for me, but releasing it to the world feels so much better. You did just fine. I'm a control freak because we always lose control. Dazing out and mindlessly watching sucks: it just means repercussions and damage control in the end. I feel blank all the time, like a robot going through the motions, mindlessly performing a task. As hard as I try to think, it won't happen....all I can do is but watch. I believe this tells me that I'm not the one present, but just co-present as an Other does their thing- our focus switches back and forth: it's very unsettling. And oh yes...we do drink: a lot. We shouldn't, drunk teens and littles are an ugly sight. Besides...it get's very embarrassing if we can't remember in the morning. When an Other takes over and we also hit blackout mode: oh no!  Lol Welcome to our forum and thanks for posting! 
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| elevatedsoul
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#15
Apr 17, 2016, 01:09 AM
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We had to add to the last paragraph about drinking! Lol
And oh yes...we do drink: a lot. We shouldn't, drunk teens and littles are an ugly sight. Besides...it get's very embarrassing if we can't remember in the morning. When an Other takes over and we also hit blackout mode: oh no! :eek |
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#16
Apr 17, 2016, 10:11 AM
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yeah i used to drink waay too much ... actually i would do everything i could, i wasn't prejudice to any substance :/ but ive been trying to do better, specially since the clinic was hounding me about it saying that it probably making me feel worse :/ im not going to that clinic anymore but i realized i do need to take better care of myself..
but i guess what they dont understand is how it feels and sometimes needing to drink just to feel ok  well, i feel a little better right now... my head is a little swimmy but thats ok.. im just ashamed as usual, sometimes i say too much and am too revealing and i cant really take it back, but i dunno... just dont like saying those things :/ i prefer to be like a shadow... unknown - i feel better that way, like i can make whatever i want im not gonna read what i wrote, but i probably mixed things up or said them backwards so dont pay much attention to it... i hope no one finds this website and finds me out... no one has any idea what is going on inside of me, i am such a good secret keeper... im sure i look weird sometimes but people are used to me being a little weird, when i was younger people would get worried because i wouldnt talk, i would get so tired of hearing "has anyone seen J?" and im standing/sitting right there, its just not easy to talk sometimes... ill be in my world... but since i got older i think i learned how to do both at the same time for the most part... well something like that.. sometimes ill say things i dont mean just to get out too, not bad things but just things that im like why did i say that? i have be lonely for way too long... not alone, but lonely i guess... because i run from myself i guess, i dunno i get confused alot anymore :/ i love myself, but i hate myself, i dont like myself but i do... ya know? i wish i could change things in the past, i've been through too much for me i dont like the memories that i have, dunno why im so backwards that the stupid memories repeat in my head while i cant remember anything else in the past or present sorry about writing those things... i guess i got a little buzzed and it just came out... stupid stupid :/ have a little more blood stain on my shirt but i think no one will notice... my green shirt too dunno how it keeps getting on my shirts... atleast my dreams have been nice... really strange, but some parts have been fun - better than the night terrors  pretty girls tooi am a bit mixed up so im not gonna write anymore but thanks for lettng me vent... 
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| Anonymous37827
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#17
Apr 17, 2016, 01:06 PM
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you know what has been scaring me?
this feeling that i have been having for past 5 or so months.. that one day im going to turn around, or just look up and not know anything, not be myself... and it wont bother me because i wont know... thats scary to me... like... its a strange feeling, its like being deleted i think? i already dont have a timeline... and my sense of time perception is... just imaginary because i pretend so i dont freak everyone out... i dunno where i came from... or where im going its difficult to put these things into comprehensible words... i wonder if any of it explains atleast a little... my memory recall thing is different than other peoples it seems... they aren't memories, its like a still picture with a side note... but was it me? or real :/ and that is just with the few things i do recall... i feel like im walking around with a blank slate all the time, not recording anything... someone turned the record off... i haven't done anything yet... the things i want to do... i have never been able to its not fair... hmm.. about the memory...i wanted to elaborate... since it seems like its not recording, im not really picking up real ... like "this is what im doing" its like i will start doing something, walk from the kitchen to the room and when i arrive, i am like "hmm, now what was it.." and 5 seconds or so just kind of imaginarilly seeking through my mind ill get a reply and i just try to keep going... sometimes i just cant remember and i just do something else.. i dunno why this doesnt really make me angry... because i feel like i should be appalled... even writing / talking i have to keep stopping ya know? i think im brain dead x2 sorry i really cant think that good lately, feel like im not able to communicate very well :/ the psychologist said that i have a high level cognitive organization problem... so whatever that is maybe thats whats wrong...
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; Apr 17, 2016 at 03:20 PM. |
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#18
Apr 17, 2016, 08:09 PM
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Quote:
sometimes medication can correct the problem for example an antidepressent slows down how the brain physically works which gives a person time to think in an organized way. in some people for example people with AD/DH medications can correct this problem. in some people if their cognitive organization problem is the learning disorder or traumatic brain injury specialized classes to train other part of the brain to do what it cant do with the right parts of the brain will work example I have cognitive Organization problem related to my having MS (a physical health problem) I have a neuro - physical therapist who i go to, we work on math skills, reading skills, hand eye co- ordination and other aspects where my physical health issue is causing me cognitive organization problems. maybe your treatment provider will have an idea how to help your cognitive Organization problems through physical therapy, classes and other options too that they may know about. |
| elevatedsoul
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#19
Apr 19, 2016, 10:31 AM
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im hoping when i get a new doc/therapist they will be able to help with that stuff..
i used to be really smart and able to learn really fast.. they kept putting me in advanced placement classes and treating me like some prodigy but... i mean i guess im not stupid... but i dont have any memory anymore... the psychologist said that alot of my issues seem psychological... and if the depression and anxiety gets better then alot of the other stuff should get better... he said that i have high functioning adhd... and im just guessing that the cognitive issue thing is psychosomatic... im hoping so atleast.. i just wish that i could get a doc that would work with me to really explore the things over a period of time so could really pinpoint the issues... kind of tired of evaluations that keep changing a diagnosis and not really giving any help to whats going on... from different people ya know.. just hate feeling like im getting older and older and worse and worse... i haven't been able to live because of stupid problems didnt really have a childhood.. abused substances and stuff through teens trying to cover up problems... being 26 i feel like i still need to get to know myself and it just seems like i should be way ahead by now from where i am - but maybe it will be ok... just hate thinking i'll turn 30 and feel like a 10 year old that doesnt know myself.. if that makes sense
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#20
Apr 19, 2016, 12:24 PM
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this part stands out to me in the report from the psychologist.. i guess its the cognitive impairment..?
Quote:
Quote:
at the end where his reccomendations and impressions is Quote:
i just forgot.. but i forget everything so its to be expected i guess.. during the testing i tried really hard to be present and focus... i often can be more grounded while in an appointment than when i am outside... seems like when i get in front of a doctor alot of things buck up and stand in attention as to not cause any distress... to make the transition through the appointment smooth so i can get in and out easy... i dunno if thats why maybe he suspected some exaggeration or if my reports were just so severe that he couldnt believe that it could be so bad, i dunno.. i guess it was atleast worth it to have another real doctor agree to say that im not bipolar... but 1600$ is expensive just to have that... i hope the report can give insights to some future provider... because i dont really understand most of it or the significance of any of it... besides the fact that he said i have adhd and i kept trying to tell the community clinic people that i was seeing that i dont have bipolar and i think its severe mdd, anxiety, with adhd presenting itself looking like some form of bipolar symptoms.. but they apparently just laughed at me and gawked at my ability to " recite" such neurological conditions... thinking im just some malingering fool that doesnt know what he is talking about or cant understand feelings... well, they succeeded in confusing the hell out of me and making me doubt a great deal about myself... now i am much worse... and without treatment... and im confused.. and all i ever really wanted was to know what is going on with me... so i could try to help myself throughout the days.. weeks... and maybe have a medication to take the edge off... but all these years of trying have been futile.. just maybe the next doctor will see my trials and tribulations and my perseveration despite the failiures and blablabla... and give me some credibility and listen to what i have to say... because i dont say much, ever... and i need to say it to someone who will be serious with me and listen... all i want is to be able to recover from this dismal position i am in... because i feel like my life is over at this point... there is no good left inside of me, it has all been perverted with dark... pain... i know i probably am insane... but i would just like to be happy and insane...
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#21
Apr 19, 2016, 02:18 PM
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even though you did not discuss dissociation and dissociative symptoms mental health treatment providers here in america now automatically have to watch , observe the person being tested. there new tests for all mental disorders are set up in such a way to illicit all kinds of reactions, and symptoms, that are now standard in diagnostic evaluations, of the new and standard oral testing is for dissociation, depression and other mental disorders when the client doesnt realize they are being tested for a specific mental disorder. these oral diagnostic questions are not online and are new. they are not the typical do you lose time do you feel spaced out kind of questions that are readily available through online versions of the MMPI,DES and others. these oral standard testing process is set up in such a way that even if you expect it and research it you will not recognize the questions when a treatment provider is asking you them. my point....even though you did not bring it up or discuss dissociation problems you most likely were tested on all the dissociative disorders too, just didnt recognize that this or that question in the new test series was for that. since your treatment provider has diagnosed you with ADHD you can relax now. I can tell you what you have been relating to in your research you have been posting is part of many different mental disorders including ADHD. |
| elevatedsoul
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#22
Apr 19, 2016, 04:37 PM
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yeah... the testing was interesting... he asked me a few times if i wanted to take a break but i just wanted to continue to finish it
im just stressed out i guess.. this depressive episode has been probably the worse... it got really bad in february and i became completely unable to do anything... i didnt eat for 5 days atleast... didnt move very much at all.. didnt talk... i've lost 20+ pounds since january... then something happened and it was like i was somewhere else, i guess it just caused me to go blank for a few days... or weeks or something.. and now its just come back and making me feel insane... its really confusing... and im not really sure how i used to feel, if i ever did feel anything other than this, because i just keep having flashbacks of how things were going at different periods... what was happening and how i was trying to handle different things happening... and... i have not done well... i thought i was doing ok with things back then but i can see that i was really not.. some how i just wasnt aware of it... even though it was bad... i've destroyed all my relationships i had with everyone.. not in an angry way, but i guess i just pushed everyone away... i behaved in ways that were really... i was stupid, i didnt have any friends in the outside world, some people knew me.. but the few people i spent more time with online i just didnt act right and i let things happen that i should of known better... i dunno who i am anymore... how could i be so out of control... but so calm... a silent storm... viciously wreaking havoc on inner layers... invisible to the observers including myself... what a bloody waste of time... what a shame... and now everyone of my family thinks that i am completely nuts... which i guess i am... people have gotten where they wont even ask certain things because they already know... they will stay at a distance from me because they know i dont want to be close to anyone... and all i want to do is just make it stop... but its not fixable.. i cant fix it.. i cant undo whats been done... just like the scars on my body everyone will always see... what was i thinking... i cant even hold my 1 year old niece because i cant deal with contact... she makes me smile though... what beauty is in the little ones... but i tell myself that its ok, it wasnt really my fault... things happened to me and caused part of me to retreat into a hidden cave in my mind to not be exposed to the elements of the world, of people... and when i moved forward without that part i was not able to do the right things... more things happened to compuund the issues... i caused more pain... but it wasnt my fault... because i couldnt control things outside of me... especially when i cant even control things inside of me... and being so little you just cant control others... or stop them... i feel so broken... i dont want to think about it... but im just so... i can think of so many words to say... grrr... i feel like a demon is clawing at me from the inside... i feel it... my chest... shoulders... neck... some day it will escape... or its going to kill me... i dunno what it is or why i feel these things.. im so pathetic... im so ashamed of myself... im so guilty... geez... i wish i wasnt.... i wish i were stronger... i wish i could do more for my family... all i can do is hide... i cant be around anyone for too long... because the masks i wear are temporariy... and they will fade if i have to be around anyone for too long... the more people, the faster it fades... i just want out.... i hate this... i hate.... i dunno why im writing anything here... just to bring more pain and shame... i guess thats all i deserve.... this is my prison... and there is no esape or release... why do i deserve this... i feel so disgusting... some flashbacks just make me want to fovimt ....  im going to go away... i am grateful to everyone... you are all lovely people... im sorry about my foolishness... i wish i had more beautiful things to share... im going to go sit in the eye of the storm... where oblivion resides...  much love... thanks for everything i am fine... be well..      
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| amandalouise, Anonymous37827, Anonymous48690
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#23
Apr 19, 2016, 05:03 PM
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my suggestion is to have a seat, take time to breath and according to what you posted the treatment provider is going to follow up with you on the test results and your treatment plans, and is all for updating your treatment options to better control your problems. This is a really good thing because now no matter what the problems were and are you will be getting the help that you need to feel better soon. again I know that right now knowing this probably doesnt help much, please take care of yourself and give your self time to process the fact that the tests showed you have ADHD, depression and anxiety. then meet with the treatment providers who are in the best position to help you through this. |
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#24
Apr 20, 2016, 04:36 PM
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im sorry about posting so sadistically, im having a difficult time holding a humane composure (atleast in the realm of the internet where i seem to lose control easily)
my intentions are to step away and to just stop thinking about those things until i can get help, just let the symptoms do whatever they do without being the over analytical person that i tend to be it doesn't matter to know symptoms anyway the psychological report is from january, so things have of course became worse since then... not in the sense that they actually became worse, just that the gravity of how bad things are has became more apparent, as well as the depression increasing greatly.. the psychologist seemed intelligent and interested in me, i liked him but he was at a hospital and i only saw him one time so he only knows what he has seen first hand and what the other doctors have wrote in the notes (im assuming..) and im sure what the last pdoc wrote in the notes is not going to be helpful because he is a douche bag jerk off that was just drifting through a few last months to get to his retirement not interested in listening to anything atleast i had to say, i do not know how he treated his other patients my mind is a work of art, that is one thing that can be ascertained and i would like for an interpreter (a capable doctor) to help me paint the picture until then i am freezing everything, i am having a lot of memory problems but i am fine; it is actually quite encouraged at this point i just want to apologize for behaving foolishly childish because i am going to try to avoid talking about any thing in my head, anything pertaining to me or psychology it is that i have just been having a hard time telling dream from life, i guess one could say living outside of time but be that as it is, i am going to take advantage of it and leave everything behind i am clearly not ready to know what happened to me, even if i was ready, now is not the time i just want to extend my appreciation to everyone that has taken their precious time to put up with any delirious rants i surely put forth; i am incontestably avoiding going back to see what i said because i am putting it out of my mind.. my sincerest apologies, i am ashamed and should not has allowed it i am fine, everything will be the way it should be; i know that i am supposed to get a doctor and i am waiting for this disability thing to come through - if it is cleared and when the insurance is cleared i will surely find out what is wrong, and treat it if possible i do enjoy talking with people here, very intelligent lot you all are... but im afraid of creating problems for anyone, my worst fear is hurting people and seeing as this post is 3 pages long i have probably concerned some and i don't want anyone to be concerned, so don't worry; all is well i love you all  i hope to see you all soon, i hope that you all can forget the filthy things that has been said; i don't want anyone to think dirty things of me may we continue through the cosmos with great aspirations for knowledge and wisdom 
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| amandalouise
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| amandalouise
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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