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#1
Jun 07, 2016, 09:14 PM
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i seem to be having a really hard time keeping myself out of trance like states... it has seem to get worse because i simply cannot hide the deep effects ...
i completely disappear... i have no clue what it looks like and dont really want to.. but i know others are noticing and i dont know what to say or what to do about it, i am overwhelmed and cant really cope with anything im faced with currently... it is difficult to function... keep disconnecting like this... i just want to hide away from everyone but seems like people are trying to be around me more now probably because they are worried because im acting weird...  but its making it worse because i dont want anyone to know... but i cant hide it and they keep looking at me strange because ill sit there and zone way out and come back and try to pretend like nothing happened but have no clue what they said or was doing or what i was doing and it just makes it hard to focus.. but it means i have to be more on guard... the more i fight it the stronger it gets until i lose grip for a few moments, dunno how long passes before i come back.. i just seem to go somewhere else, im so disconected... think my mind is trying to escape the body because it doesnt want to deal with any of the problems... i dont want to deal with any problems, but i dunno what to do.. my mind is just really tired and i dunno... if i could make it stop i would but its not in my control... i hate attention, why people have to see these things.. i dont even know whats happening to me... just that its getting way out of my control... or im just too tired to control it as well as i was because i keep fighting it which takes so much energy and doesnt seem to help at all  this is scary... i really dont know what to do, if it gets stronger i dont know whats going to happen to me... i do not want to go to a hospital  that would be catastrophic to me while in this state... i guess this what you get for putting off dealing with serious problems for too long... dumb dumb...
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 Anonymous37827, Fuzzybear, likewater, Lost_in_the_woods, Sarmas
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 likewater
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#2
Jun 07, 2016, 11:43 PM
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Just want to let you know that I hear you. Don't have words of wisdom to give you to recover in this moment, but I can tell you that I feel your hurt on maybe a smaller level.
I'm so sorry you are in this place that you are. I've been looking into Welltones - haven't tried it out yet but it is an interest to me. There is much history and comfort in the value of music and it's healing comfort and benefits. Just wanted you to know that I heard you. Again, can't give you an answer or resolve, but I'm there too. God bless you!! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
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#3
Jun 08, 2016, 09:40 AM
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its driving me crazy
 i am so not here If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck ..? wTf i dont know what to do but i just wanna scream in agony, sadness, excitement, joy, anger, confusion, cry, grrr at one time.. my head is spinny losing my mind... im so trapped and no way to escape...
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#4
Jun 08, 2016, 03:57 PM
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this how i feel, you know?
   that make sense?
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| TrailRunner14
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#5
Jun 08, 2016, 05:18 PM
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It does!
If you need help getting stable, there is a place in Kansas City, Two Rivers, that has a special wing for trauma survivors. You don't interact with e rest of the psych patients at all, and they teach you about dissociation and how to manage it. They only take voluntary patients, and you can check yourself out if you want. Other than that, I have found Somatic Experiencing and brain spotting to be helpful in reducing dissociation. |
| elevatedsoul, likewater
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| likewater
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#6
Jun 08, 2016, 06:51 PM
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Quote:
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| elevatedsoul
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#7
Jun 08, 2016, 10:07 PM
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thanks
but i really cant go back to a hospital, it will make me worse... because thats what happen last time it seem, i cant really remember though because my memory is just pathetic... i just know i cured myself so i could go home, i guess i convinced everyone that i was cured.. but it seems like its just been getting worse since i been trying to get help for whatever was wrong anyway... or maybe its always been like this :/ i just know all they did in there was treat me like any other manic bipolar... increasing antipsychotics and adding more and moodstabilizers and blablabla... when the drugs barely help me sleep because my mind is just crazy... the medicine doesnt really make things better it seems.. i dont think it can get better.. [edit... sorry] i dunno.. it makes me feel strange... but i wouldn't notice it too much back then before i started trying to figure things out because i was busy trying to just dump cement on everything, capiche? blackout blackout blackout but its like i feel it constantly now.. like someone turned the lights on and the cockroaches started scrambling  i soooo broke my brain some how poking it too much... this is a terrible thing :/ it was a nice brain at some point i dont like being so trapped, i just wanna sit and not do anything... but there is no way i can just hide anymore, i just really hate being trapped though... why cant they just zap stuff like this out? i dont think i really want to deal with any of it oh man, another day bites the dust, what did i do today? did i even eat today?
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| Anonymous37904, kecanoe
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#8
Jun 08, 2016, 11:01 PM
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Quote:
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| elevatedsoul
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| TrailRunner14
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#9
Jun 10, 2016, 11:30 PM
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how do you know if you are like completely losing it?
i mean, im reluctant to even ask... how odd is it to find yourself spaced out distracted from what you were doing on the computer staring at the tv and laughing at something, coming to and wondering what in the heck why laugh at that and someone is going to hear me laughing like a mad man  eek just example... i think everyone already things im crazy... dont want to make it worse.. i think im really going insane ... but i dunno how to know ... even if i was, what could i do? man this will be the end of me im so tired... this fatigue no amount of sleep/rest can seem to remedy, you know..? maybe im just having some kind of psychotic break... never really having ever had any problems with psychosis, its just throwing me off guard... like... taking me for a run, you know.. but i always thought psychosis was about hallucinations, auditory and visual, delusions, paranoia... and it didnt really involve so much memory loss... well i dont have any halucinations or paranoia, i just cant remember anything and i dunno whats going on... maybe its just some weird delusion... but i seem to be so very dissociated... but some how im going through days, and no one seems to be saying anything about anything, but im sitting here wandering... why cant i remember? and why is no one saying anything...? if im not in control, then who is?i dunno, i have so many mixed feelings about it when i try to relax thats when i space out and find myself ... like im so tired and im letting my guard down because im fainting but my body doesnt faint,,? its like i am still awake kind of but i dunno whats happening.. everything gets super foggy and time like stands still... until i refocus and see everything around me, blah, just need to stop laughing at stuff outloud and learn some how to pay attention to time so i can try to focus and get things done... like relaxing i dont even know what im saying, i hope that some how im not deleted and never get to breathe again.. feel like im losing everything, this seems to be the end you know what i mean? i dunno whats wrong with me... :spinning: im just having a hard time i guess... maybe i am really stressed... i am so hard on myself sometimes... i shouldn't blame myself for so much, but i take so much responsibility for the past and i shouldnt... like brain damage... i broke my brain... dunno how, but some how i broke it twisted and deranged im scared... i dont want to lose my mind... they used to call me a genius but i am so incapacitated right now i am fearful that i might be dieing.. or losing complete control over my life, even if i did have control i dont know what to do so maybe i dont need it anyway i just cant handle more shame, more attention, i just want please no one look at me... you know? but i really am trapped... i have no choice but to let the lights shine on and take the heat... i am in trouble... because there is no way out, and i need to do it... its out of my hands now, so to speak.. just hope something or someone can give me enough strength to do what ever i need to do .. i hate confronting things, people, anything am i losing my mind..? or is this really just a bad dream, i mean i could see it being a bad dream... doubt anyone would tell me if it was though is a funny joke though, sometimes i wish it was a dream... maybe ill get lucky one day and wake up... sorry if im writing confusing... its hard... grr :/ so annoying, when you wanna get so mad at yourself but you cant because you cant help it
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| likewater
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| likewater
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#10
Jun 10, 2016, 11:53 PM
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If it's ok. May I please pray for you? If not....... My heart is for you!!
Father, Abba, I lift my friend to you and I pray and receive your peace and presence over them. I pray Lord that you would give my friend a feeling of your peace and presence, in Jesus name I pray that you would set them on a course of healing and recovery to be who you created them to be. I love you, friend, and I hope you find peace in your place. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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"What is denied, cannot be healed." - Brennan Manning "Hope knows that if great trials are avoided, great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted." - Brennan Manning |
| elevatedsoul
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#11
Jun 11, 2016, 12:18 AM
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thanks...
well, i have always said "things will be ok" i have said it so many times... i dunno, things have to be ok, everything will be fine... i think i've just been doing this for too long... but its ok, i am built to take great amounts of ... stress... i guess.. but everyone gets tired..? i cant remember the last time i felt relaxed.. like i dont think i have ever been able to relax and let my guards down, why did i have to complicate things so much... but it wasn't my fault really, i just didnt know what to do .. being overwhelmed from such a young age must cause your brain to short circuit... its just that im like really aware of myself right now and i dunno if i have ever felt this way before... i think i have done it other times, but i cant remember anything anyway so i wouldnt remember if i did.. but if i survived what i went through, i should be able to survive my own mind right... its like im aware, but im so ... i guess far away... i just feel like ... omg i dont know how to put it into words... what have i done.. maybe i am just very numb right now... maybe its just numb.. but i feel alot of things, i have never been so confused my severely psychotic perpetrator will be released from prison sometime this year, and they are wanting someone to sign papers for him sort of releasing him into the care of is what my understanding of it is... and if they sign the papers and bring him here... omg im going to have a melt down he tried to kill me multiple times.... and tormented everyone... why do they feel sorry for him... he can go make a good happy life away from me, i just dont want anything to do with him and dont want to think about it any ever any more ever again ... i think so many things are just really overwhelming me... i am so screwed... why me... im not writing this for sympathy, please dont pity me... i never talk about things, dunno why i should write anything on a forum... i guess i just would like someone to know if something happens to me, im not a bad person... im really sad.... afraid.. i cant handle so much and i dont know what to do... i cant handle anything to be honest, the smallest things trigger me... to be faced with something so big as someone that i have night terrors about... i might be struck dead by lightning... the bad thing is i had ample opportunity to kill him, but something inside me wouldn't let me... and i blacked out and dont remember what happen besides i think i just disapeared somewhere instead of fighting anymore... sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision, i just remember his eyes... he was afraid at that time, and i couldn't... would things be any better..? who knows.. some people are very evil people.... and they effect everyones lives they walk into.... i wish there was a way to go back and do things over, why do peoples have to have traumatic experiences ? im just rambling... i should probably try to lay down, maybe tonight i can get some sleep from the help of the wine thanks for listening... this one is interesting, Quote:
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#12
Jun 12, 2016, 10:06 PM
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here we go again
i think my mom is starting to see things inside of me, the way i feel them, but she is confused too because i am just so confusing i cant help it... i have tried to hide things for so long is like i dont care anymore... im just afraid of what happens to me... think she may really see how bad my memory is... like i cant tell whats going on for the most part... like i know whats going on... but i cant... not me.... but why cant i? if i am here, i should know... think she might see how i talk... she doesnt seem too bothered as was at first... but how do you explain something you dont understand? when someone else wants to understand you as much as you want to understand yourself... just you want to understand so much more because you cant escape it and dont get a break... im contemplating what to tell the therapist when i see her on the 14th... im afraid of just saying a bunch of things because i dont want her to treat me like all the rest... but im afraid of saying too little, because she will end up treating me like all the rest too... maybe i just go in there and not say anything... tell her give me a pen, i write ... i tell... im scared
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#13
Jun 13, 2016, 08:45 AM
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Omg es! You have goblin king baubles??!!! I want some! Where did you get them??
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"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep" |
| elevatedsoul
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#14
Jun 13, 2016, 08:50 AM
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 "..cuz Ill be there for you..as the world falls down.."
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"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep" |
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#15
Jun 13, 2016, 08:51 AM
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"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep" |
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#16
Jun 13, 2016, 12:24 PM
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lol whaat, im not even sure what i did yesterday.. did i say something about baubles?
 i dunno how you can do so much, write things and tell people stuff and not remember scared one of these times im gonna mess up and do something regretful, maybe i already have and just dont remember and no one has told me really makes you feel... strange... walking on glass i guess i probably do have tons though, just not sure where i put them  where would i put such a mystical item... hmmi know! they're in my mind! if you dare enter you can take as many as you like  im so weird would you like some tea? 
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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| Lost_in_the_woods
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#17
Jun 13, 2016, 09:13 PM
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OMG
10pm? 10 pm!! what in the heck ... i thought it was still daylight outside what is the deal? i have major brain damage or something -.- i hope that i remember to tell the therapist that i might be dieing :/ i think i tried to tell my case manager years ago that i might have brain cancer or something and she kinda just chuckled, but i cant really remember - my mom was there and she told me about that - i wonder if i really do though .. would suck to be dieing and too spaced out to even know/notice, wouldnt it? if i can remember to say something maybe she can atleast tell me that im probably not dieing, atleast im not being so super obsessive over having to know what is going on with me.. but im just super out of it, really cant believe its 10pm already.... that means in just another second i'll have to lay down and TRY to go to sleep, AGAIN i feel like i never get to do anything anymore edit:: is it possible to have like a breathing disorder where you simply dont breathe enough so your brain does not get adequate oxygen? which might cause what im experiencing?? sometimes it seems like maybe im not breathing, or not breathing enough... but i probably am but just so spaced that i dont even realize it - just thinking that maybe my brain is just dieing and i would like to help it if i could ?? kind of feel like i would be fainting and stuff though if it was that, i must be appearing totally normal to everyone around me though because no one has said anything at all, like nothing is going on, but on the inside i feel like theres much happening, why people cant see i dont know.. if i was dieing they probably would notice, im assuming :/ kind of would like to know what it feels like to be happy before i die though, thats not too unreasonable is it? dont rock the boat i guess, i've just always had an unhealthy relationship with being totally obsessed with knowing everything.. really drives me bonkers being confused about something, but this confusion goes so far beyond because its me.. confused about things that are supposed to be very simple.. maybe if i could remember things i would have all the answers.. sorry about rambling, just writing thoughts down i guess
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; Jun 13, 2016 at 10:00 PM. |
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#18
Jun 13, 2016, 10:35 PM
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Its ok. Idk what day it is even.
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"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep" |
| elevatedsoul
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#19
Jun 13, 2016, 11:27 PM
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im just being weird for some reason
not like any of this is new, not sure why its jumping out at me so much .. its hard for me to keep up with what day /month it is too.. just wish there was a way to make the brain work a little better, if i had a smartphone i could use those tools and stuff on there but i dont even want a phone right now because i dont want people calling me trying to talk to me!! im too busy talking to myself at the moment to be answering phone calls i think its just the part of me that really needs to know everything, but i dont really know what it is right now.. and its just irking my nerves, but i guess thats understandable.. to keep waking up on different days and feeling like ... well... dunno how to put that feeling into words... but things always the same and nothing changing and i still dont know anything - but clearly its a different day and im just as lost if not more lost than ever guess thats why im making myself go back to therapy... maybe if i ask nicely she'll tell me what the first therapist said to me or what i told her so i can know why i stopped going to therapy in the first place?? wish i didn't quit it back then... i might know what in the world is going on by now :/ i hate going out there though, outside and out to public and being around other people, just prefer to stay to myself in my room and not talk to anyone... talking is so blah, much less talking about things really really dont want to talk about - even think about - or remember, which i really cant remember anyway because i keep forgetting just hope that i dont wake up tomorow and it be 2017 such a weird feeling... but i have survived this long, surely things are just fine...    
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#20
Jun 14, 2016, 07:43 PM
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i feel so crazy :/
of course everything would go quiet when im sitting in a room with someone that can help me, of course i wouldnt remember.. of course i would feel so stupid sitting there wondering what is wrong with me, thinking you are just really going crazy, too far, why are you here? the silence is so ... i guess i get so used to it being so active inside that it is really disturbing... for it to feel like an empty hall, not even my own thoughts can manifest, but i tried really hard... i think i told her that it was quiet, that im just really spaced out or something.. all i remember is she wanted to do a couple grounding things and i was terrified, i didnt know what she was wanting me to do, but i did what she said the best i could, it just got even more quiet after that... i remember it sounded like my voice became far away... i dont think i said anything more about it after that... i think i was like in shut down mode for some reason... i really like her, but alot of stuff was going on in my head on the trip there and i was having to fight to keep from crying... because i want to tell her things it feels like but my mind wont let me.. and then i see her and its all different, i didnt even remember the wanting to cry on the way in.. all i remembered was my face started to get tingly and my head felt like it was in a clamp when we arrived to the office building but its ok... she told me she wanted me to write down when i feel like my -uhhhh walked off there for a minute i guess write my mood swings down or something, it had names but i cant remember she just told me to name the things something that meant something to me... 1 side has these angry, agressive, defensive, reactive, overtly manipulative, coercive, impulsive, hostile, irrational, self-centered.. i think it was something like sympothetic? other side has freezing stuck paralysis of action, dissociation, emotional numbing, distraction, covertly manipulative, engage as martyr, self soothing, reactive, impulsive, emotional and psychological distancing, self centered i really have no clue ... trying to think about those things i dont know what i feel, i feel so empty right now... disconnected... nothingness... no memory, no future, no past, no anything .. what would you label that as..? i can totally tell when i feel depressed or angry, but like this it feels like everything and nothing at the same time .. i dunno, its too much.. overload... i cant process it all so this is how i end up feeling, right? because im so angry, so depressed, so anxious, but some how obliviously happy, content, not caring about anything... but im not!! i dont want to be like this, i think that i want to be those things so much that its there, but then i have reality that is there too, and im stuck in the middle, do i live in a fantasy? do i succumb to reality? i like puzzles but my mind is not the puzzle i wanted to be putting together... she wants me to bring the journal in i guess to show her what i find out by writing down these.. god i dont even remember how she said to write it down, im just gonna try though... but i dont know if i should take it in because the stuff that is in that book just makes me look so crazy... i cant understand whats wrong with me, why these things are happening, i cant even imagine how i was feeling when i wrote those things... if i hurt so bad like that i really dont want to be in reality... but if she reads some of it, maybe she will better know whats happening..? i just get embarrassed so easily and dont like making myself look like a fool... i had wrote a few notes last week i wanted to give to her but i forgot to give to her.. which i guess isnt a bad thing because i didnt really want to give it to her anyway, just guess that i wanted to let her know those few things... maybe ill give it to her next time :/ i mean if she is going to see even 1 entry in the journal then those few notes are nothing grrrrrrrrrrrr - totally not happy with myself at the moment.. not smart enough to figure out what to do... i dont even know if i can trust her, i mean i know she knows more than i know she knows already because i dunno what i've told her really.. this makes you feel so stupid!! cant even pay attention enough to remember what the hell is going on in an important meeting and dont even know if she believes you or if you even believe yourself, what the ffffff i dunno if i can do it... i want to so bad, i dont know if i can face myself... so scared... i have never shown anything to anyone on purpose, for me to sit there and try to tell her something... impossible..... god i hope she can be patient with me.... its/im probably going to break the next appointment... and i wont be able to control it anymore, im so tired of this... tired so physically and emotionally... mentally... i just remember, she said stuff about some are talking about they need to add the acumulative trauma to dsm... because ... um... well apparently it causes other effects and people end up with misdiagnosis..? i think that what she said... urghh guess that i've just been through too much for my poor little mind to handle.. crazy how emotions can just 'show up' i hate feeling things, gotta stop writing so it will go away -- so strange how such strong feelings cant show themselves on the outside until its too late
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#21
Jun 15, 2016, 11:12 AM
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ahhh i found it, Dorsal Vagal - and Sympathetic .. ... ?
Dorsal Vagal Shift i really dont understand how to take notes on any kind of shift in feeling or emotion because ... i feel so weird... so different... i dont know what im feeling, i feel many things but nothing at all, like i have no feeling but i have many feelings else where... like the type of feeling you have when watching a movie, those arent your feelings but you feel them, but when the movie goes off and you dont think about it they are not there, no feelings are there, until your memory is sprung and triggered and you feel many things from that movie again.. ?? but when i slip completely into the movie they become mine, then it is me... i dont know what to write in the journal to show to her, i dont know how im feeling because im contradicting myself left and right and invalidating everything that goes through my mind - to be honest i think when she tryed to help me through the grounding exercise -- it seem like i became really hypnotic, like i didnt quite feel relaxed, i just felt really ... i really am not sure how to describe these feelings... everything became unreal, even more so... and i was worried, i couldnt believe that i was really sitting there talking to someone, but i was curious and wanted to.. but after that i really wasnt able to talk very much, i dont think i said anything else the whole session besides agreeing with things and saying things like ok, that sounds good, i can do that, yeah, ok, and the famous -- i dont remember... im not sure... with a strange voice so far away.. i thought grounding exercise was supposed to pull you down into your body and help you gain control, not make you lose control and become hypnotic..? but apparently i hypnotize myself constantly, just have never been aware of it - or if i was aware i didnt care about it what does she mean by write down when i feel myself shift from sympathetic to dorsal vagal? how does that feel..? i told her i never have any sympathetic type category emotions - but i do they are just all constantly inverted, internal... but these feelings seem to happen at the same time and im just feeling really stupid because i dont know how its possible... how could it even be physically possible... so that just leaves me feeling like a dumb faker, it cant be possible so im just exaggerating things, but why am i doing that? this sucks... i have no clue what to do, even if i did try to take notes on it like sifting through some shifts.. it would be thousands of notes a day because its constantly moving like a flowing stream of... just miserable, no wonder i cant feel anything and live in a bubble outside of time and reality..i mean, how can opposites exist with each other? within and of each other? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-emotions-once Quote:
i dont know whats happening to me... this is still just a dream, a nightmare waiting to be awoken.. try to explain these feelings to someone and they look at you like you're just a little b*t* ... i cant say what i dont know... maybe a good scream will convey the message  maybe i should just write my own .. um... whatever emotional whatever categories and use them instead since my emotions or feelings or whatever those things are, are just crazy ... maybe, mad mans rantings.. -.- whatever -.- im so tired... nightmares all night... gotta love seeing people you care about getting
Possible trigger:
what a mind... what insanity  this is me       
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#22
Jun 15, 2016, 04:53 PM
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I understand what you are saying about losing time and not wanting anyone to know. I hate it when that happens. It's confusing, embarrassing and scary.
You said you can't stand to be hospitalized. Where I live, you don't go inpatient unless you are a danger to self or others. You sound tormented not suicidal. For what that is worth... As far as journaling, it helped me to just sit down and write. To not try to sort things out or get them in any order or understand them at all. I just sit down (for me, in front of the computer. I type faster than I write) and let whichever part of me wants to start do the typing. The less I think about it the better. I used a handwritten journal for about the first year. It was amazing to see the differences in my handwriting and language-I later learned that it was different parts writing. I was encouraged to not sweat about identifying the feeling, just to notice how it felt and write that down. Physically or mentally. The good thing about journaling is that you can't get it wrong. Just start writing and write until you feel calmer. You are already doing it some, on this site. Maybe start by copying some of what you have said here and then see where that goes? |
| elevatedsoul
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| elevatedsoul
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#23
Jun 15, 2016, 06:20 PM
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thanks
i am physically sickened right now  i hate feelings i hate emotions  i cant stand this i want to go back in the hole where i was somewhere else and didnt know what was going on i still dont know what is going on but i am just feeling really pissed because this is just so not cool, no wonder i wanna get drunk and high!    just dont think i can do this, i cant cant cant urgh >.< i am just writing non sense down in the book, its annoying because i dont know what im supposed to write.. but whatever, if it helps me remember things - which maybe i dont want to remember - so dont know why i should do it ..? gonna drink some wine.. why me?: hmm... sorry, its not that i hate that stuff, i just dont like feeling those things you know.. i dunno, i spend ALOT of energy everyday to conceal... conceal whatever, everything i guess - so that no one will know how crazy i am... im definitely not suicidal.. and i dont want to die, although i guess the feeling goes through your mind alot you know? better of if i was not here kind of thing.. but thats not what i want, i wanna be happy, thats all i want i went outside to smoke a cig and watched the birds for a minute.. gonna try to relax... and not think about things... today has been rough... even though i dont think i have done anything all day ...but oh well, it doesnt seem to matter.. im so tired >.< :: im not sure whats wrong with me... i swear... i seem to have a bunch of faces.. i dont even know who me is anymore... i just dont understand... i think im going crazy... what the hell.. im so tired of being confused... why cant i just be me? a normal person, be happy, just be happy and normal... this is all just a dream... Last edited by elevatedsoul; Jun 15, 2016 at 08:12 PM. |
| Anonymous37827
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#24
Jun 15, 2016, 08:45 PM
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whats the deal with handwriting? i've heard other people say things about it...
but i thought that everyone did that did i show this song yet? i dont know how i make them, but i enjoy listening... : if i could get control over my mind maybe i could really do something cool with music :: is really bothering me to be so forgetful... im making myself go to see a therapist when i dont want to see anyone, when i dont even want to say hello to anyone, when i dont want to leave the bedroom... and for what...? to remember a couple words..? a couple seconds..? what is my problem... i walk around, when im alone, realize im acting super weirdo... and then walk into a room with someone and have to try to figure out how to act normal.. stop moving your arms like that!! stop doing that!! stop... atleast no one has noticed anything strange yet... my hands clinch... i clutch my side to hold it in... i guess its how people are used to seeing me, i dunno why its getting like this and why im losing it... im afraid.... i know the more times i walk into the office with that therapist the more she will see... i dunno how much the first therapist saw, i cant remember... i just know i dont want anyone to see! im so ashamed of myself... why i cant pull things together and stop being so... i dont even know... i dont know how much she has seen already, im so embarrassed... i just want to act like myself but i dont know how im supposed to act... why do i have to act ???? its suposed to be natural... right? grrrrr...... what have i done.... how am i suposed to be comfortable sitting in a room with her when im not even comfortable sitting in a room with myself... i cant let anyone know, i cant even talk to anyone, no family, no mom, no dad, no sister or brother, no one... then how can i talk to a stranger... im afraid that im going to lose completely, what ever i am in this moment to disappear and something evil arise... how???? what if i hurt everyone that is supposed to be close to me... what if i screw my life up even worse than it already is.... what if i simply blank out and never come back..? what if i wake up and im in the hospital bed 93 years old wondering where i have been... what if..... how can this be real? you feel so weird! it has to be dreams right..?? but im afraid its not.. i dont think it is a dream, there are too many things sitting around that i think make it seem too real... omg.... i want to go back... i want to go back and stop it.... wha.... i am so lost... i don't know what to do.... i dont even know what to think.... i cant think.... i dont even want to think anymore.... im so broken.....     
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Last edited by elevatedsoul; Jun 15, 2016 at 11:23 PM. |
| Anonymous37827
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#25
Jun 16, 2016, 12:00 PM
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 jesus, im sorry.. im just being weird, i dont know why :/ things seem to be getting blown out of proportion .. gonna try to stop it, just have to breathe.. everything is fine, everything is going to be fine my brain just is tired... i just haven't been sleeping well...  
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| Anonymous37827
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