My conundrum

I think it may seem like I use these forums to search for answers...
but honestly I'm just trying to use it as an outlet to get things out so that I can recognize the things that are important to me and be able to look back and relay it to my treatment team..
I just forget a lot, I guess because I've abused alcohol and drugs which has made my memory really bad...

I tried journaling but I dont like it because of the weirdness... and because of the confusion it brings by mood swings and changes in handwriting and everything which didn't help things

here is an example....


I filled the book up within 2 months... so I don't like journaling, but I'm starting to not like forums as well because I'm starting to have similar problems...

i look to here for peer support and understanding....
im really struggling.. and i do tell the doctor people that...
i dunno whats wrong... i just know its bad...
im really scared... crying... depressed... hurting...
but i feel empty... nonexistent... im not here... but i am here...
and i don't think anyone in the world can understand what i mean...
i cant figure out the words to use to describe it...
its so scary... so alone... misunderstood...

ive always had to separate myself from feelings... so im trying to feel now...
but i cant.... im not crying physically... i think im blank... but im crying so hard inside...
im just not alowed to cry physical... not allowed to have feelings...
for some reason i was learned that feelings are bad... and only way to survive is to not feel... to box everything up... to be a third party to my existence... not to be the exister.... because im not worth to have a life...
so just have to protect the vessel... by all means... to it to have a life... atleast something...

i just dont want to be a lone... i just wish someone could understand me... believe me... i trying so hard... i just feel like i cant try more hard... there nothing more i can do to try harder...

i not sure whats the point to all this... this life... this protection field i created to protect ... whatever i am from the world... not sure what the point is to life... if there a point for me to try so hard i dont know.... i dont know why i trying so hard... whats the point.... it not gonna change anyting.... i dunno what i feel... im feeling weird...
trying to see these feelings.. but.. i cant feel them i get dizzy... so i look at them from afar... but its all a jumbld mess... cant make sense of it... so many years of torment built up... where to even begin...

i not looking for answers anymore... there are no answers... cause i am the answer to the questions... i created the questons... i created the answers... i created this mess...

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.It might be a good idea to contact your treatment providers asap so you don't end up in the same boat you were before going inpatient,as stated in this part of the post amandalouise made.I don't know the whole story behind it but it would be a shame to throw all your hard work away,and it seems you might be headed in that direction.

If you are in a crisis or feeling suicidal please call your local hospital or crisis line for help.

Best wishes to you.

mood swings i guess

I ran out of my gabapentin a few days ago, they know about it, im just supposed to make it till monday so i can see the doc

this sucks... i dunno whether im coming or going most of the time..

im sorry.. i hope that i'll feel better after monday and get my meds back..
im losing it like this, family issues... triggering..

I'm ok.. I had a bad day yesterday.. Embarrassing..
Its all a blur..

today was bad too...
i dunno if i can handle this roller coaster...

also... i was denied disability... again... why they torturing me...

I said I was going to check back for an update.So did you ask and find out what your diagnosis is like you said you were going to do?

I forgot... but we talked a little about borderline and she shyed away from that and said she thinks im more like high functioning bipolar II...

i dunno whats going on anymore...

That's disappointing that you forgot.

So she thinks it's Bipolar?....So,now you know,right?

That must ease your mind a little,I hope.

it doesn't really because i think its borderline... i just dont get manic and never had a manic episode so how could it be bipolar... you know..

it is dissapointing... i forget everything though... i should of known id forget that too...

my personality is broken... im a monster...

high functioning bipolar 2 elevated soul thats a good diagnosis because its easy to manage and of the two bipolars its the one with less symptoms, less problems as long as you continue to take the meds and follow your treatment plans things will continue to get better for you, not worse.

I find with me there are short episodes of depression, mania and hypomania and other accompanying symptoms like psychosis (hallucinations/ delusions) dissociation (depersonalization\derealization ) but as long as I let let my treatment providers know when my symptoms are increasing they are able to do medication adjustments to get me back on track rather quickly. and of course continue with your sobriety, I have found that the meds that work for bipolar disorders are not the kinds a person can drink alcohol with.

another good point is now you know whats going on.... according to your post your treatment provider said you have bipolar 2. things ill get better as this present episode you are in subsides.

Maybe you should just accept the diagnosis and go along with your treatment providers suggestions instead of doubting it.

And maybe you could research it,learn all you can about it in order to help yourself.I know nothing at all about it but did a quick Google search about Bipolar II and read this:

So there ya go,maybe you need to find all the info you can and learn all you can nstead of assuming it's not the right diagnosis?

if its bipolar then why do i have identity disturbances..? such empty feeling...
not knowing who i am... strong dissociative symptoms...
the swings seem to be triggered rather than chemical... they are unpredictable and not like a wave...
ive read a lot... too much maybe... i dont wanna read anymore... just wanna get better... but how can i get better IF the diagnosis is not correct...

my therapist said she doesnt think its bipolar... she said i have strong borderline traits...

i have all these

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts
• Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality

the evidence to borderline gets stronger and stronger...
i didnt want to accept the borderline personality either... but it makes sense...
bipolar just doesnt add up as much... or maybe i have bipolar and borderline... i dont know... i know that mood stabilizers dont help.. antipsychotics havent helped.. antidepressants havent helped... i've tried a slew of medications to no avail.. and followed doctors orders even though i didnt agree.. you know?

sorry... im really depressed because i lost my only friend yesterday due to this crap...
stupid stupid stupid...

After doing some reading about Bipolar 2 last night I can see why you would be so confused,wondering what your diagnosis is.I recognized some of the symptoms in myself and started wondering if maybe I have been misdiagnosed,maybe I am Bipolar and it's not really PTSD.I even got anxiety because I kind of got myself worked up over it.

I calmed down very quickly though.I trust that the psychologist I had therapy with for so long knew what he was doing.Plus I'm sure I could recognize myself in many different disorders if I researched them,but that doesn't mean my diagnosis is wrong.

Even though I caused myself anxiety at least I understand now why you struggle so much.And I hope you can stop researching different disorders and applying them to yourself and causing yourself so much confusion and problems.And I hope you can see that's what you're doing to yourself.Today it's Borderline,tomorrow it might be Bipolar or DID,you just keep seeing yourself in different disorders and running with them,like I did when I read about Bipolar 2.

I have read through many of your posts and you say so many different things but the main thing you talk about is what your dx is.Yet it seems you have never really had all these discussions with your treatment providers,according to your posts you have never talked to them and asked if you could possibly be DID or any other illness you have posted about,and that's what you need to be doing instead of just chasing your tail in circles like you are.

I do believe you want to get better but in order to do that you need to work with your treatment provider,you need to be talking with them about all the things you have been posting about.I have a feeling you haven't been doing that,not because you forget or are too shy or whatever but because you are choosing not to for whatever reason.If you really believe you are not being diagnosed correctly then it's up to you to make sure your treatment providers know everything you experience and struggle with.Posting about it all here isn't going to help you in real life.

I hope that doesn't offend you.I really do wish you the best.

i did talk to my therapist about d.i.d... and she said it may or may not be but one thing is for sure you have developmental trauma disorder
she also said i have strong borderline traits/tendencies..
i will talk more to her about it next time... i trust what she says more than the NP because i have talked to my T longer and more...

the psychologist that did my psychological assessment said i have MDD,GAD,PTSD,Somatization disorder,ADHD

the first Psychiatrist i went to diagnosed me with Bipolar I
the first doctor ever dx me with depression and anxiety disorder..

i have had so many different diagnosis... i trust what my T says... but not the NP...
i strongly feel its borderline... i dont know if i have d.i.d. or not... but i have other personalities... that take over... that are seem to be not me.. although im so unsure of anything anymore i dont know... i have conversations with these other personalities, sometimes they are 1 sided conversations such as me getting cursed out... other times im given advice and comforted... but i dont know what it is... i dont want to claim d.i.d. if i dont have it because i feel like it would be insulting to the people that do have it... and im so confused about what is going on with me i cant say for sure whats going on... i mean i dont even know if im alive... if this is some kind of prison that im in for something i did ages and ages ago... if this is hell.. ect..ect...

im depersonalized to the max... im not inside the body a great majority of the time but seem to influence it the most... until something happy takes over and plays... but since im sober its gone... since i am stopping from drinking.. ive had to resort to only thing i know to cope because i seem to be all alone now... cutting...

and no offense taken, but i honestly am not choosing this... i want to get help... im trying my hardest to get help... i just dont know who i am anymore... much less able to remember when i get in stressful situations that are high anxiety such as discussing my diagnosis or my problems... i dissociate alot my therapist says... and im trying to stop.. but i cant...

Just to clarify,I didn't say you are choosing any of this,that was said in reference to you maybe not discussing all the things you have been posting about with your treatment providers.

That is a choice because there are ways to do it.You could call,you could write it all down,you could email,you could take someone with you to speak for you,you could tell them about this site and ask them to read all your posts,you could have them keep and read your journal for a week,etc.

i know about anxiety and how hard it is in stressful situations,I have PTSD,and I had to find ways to tell what I was experiencing even sometimes through drawings and poetry.And I had to find ways to remember too.I kept trying until I found things that worked for me.

I am not doubting your experiences and struggles,I'm just saying it's up to you to somehow share them with your treatment providers if you believe you're not being diagnosed correctly.

OH my god, I scare myself...
See what I'm saying about the mood shifts? or Emotional Instability?
or what ever in this world this is?

I'm feeling so different, I am not that.
I dont even want to cry for that girl he lost..
Or this part of me that feels so suicidal.
mood.
personality.
bipolar thing..
Whatever it is!

I see the evidence all over the place all the time and just convince myself its me being really crazy but I'm starting to feel like there is just no way, you know what I mean?

We are too separated... maybe too compartmentalized personalities this body has, or more, which isn't a case of d.i.d. but I dont know what you would call that, OSDD?

I apologize.. But please understand the frustration and pain that I suffer because of this confusion... My life, I am not able to have a life.

I try to talk to the doctors but I dont really know whats going on you know... I try so hard... I need to just get the therapist to read this if she will.

Part of me is scared to ask, I dont know why.. But I'm going to see anyway, I see her on the 3rd.

Maybe that's why I feel better, maybe its just a bipolar thing.. But its hella confusing to put it one way. Extraordinarily painful to put it another..
Now I have cuts that I dont want.. Idiotic...

im sorry... see, im fighting myself... i dont know what to believe... i cant help it, its really really out of my control... i dont know what it is... i hate this.... i cant handle much more of this... :'(

it couldnt of been me... but logicaly i know it has to been right...
why do i have to be so confused... the cognitive dissonance is making me lose my mind... i cant handle much more really...

This is ridiculous, I'm so embarrassed.. But whatever, I'm not gonna fight it.

So now you're thinking OSDD? What happened to thinking it's Borderline?

I suggest you call your treatment provider asap and not wait until the 3rd so you can become stable.

Your posts are very concerning.

I think I still have borderline, I just think its a fruit basket..

I'm also thinking about deleting this account because I'm really embarrassed by the things that are being posted or want to be posted but deleted..

I am very unstable, I just experienced a re-lived trauma type thing, I dont know what to call it but it broke the continuity I built inpatient..

I already called my people and going to discuss deleting this account with my therapist on the 3rd...

I'm really sorry for the nonsense.
I'm tired of it as well.. Fighting off Suicidal Ideations is not fun.. Watching yourself cut is disturbing to say the least.. Feeling so disconected all the time is wrong, something is very very wrong and I just can't take it anymore.

im scared you know... something is wrong with me... im broken... hurting... trapped...

But I'm going to fix everything.. It's time to end the madness and find some resolution in life. Find a way to be happy.
Please forgive me, I'm stepping away from the computer for a while and going to try to quell the internal distress..

Sigh

Update:
I just wanted to say I am safe.
No Self Harm committed either. How 'bout that

Beer.
It may be a depressant. But for the gods it can save lives..

I wrote an email to T.. I hope it was good enough ..

she called me concerned for my safety asked if i needed to go to the hospital...

i dunno what i feel, i just feel ... empty, on edge.. im ok, im going to be ok.. the first is coming up, therapy is coming up, and im going to make it..
its just this feeling... like im dieing mentally... or dead.. an uneasiness, an emptiness... a quietness.. a disturbing stillness..

does any of that resonate? does it make sense?
i cant make sense of it.. i feel very anxious.. but i feel very calm... too calm.. too anxious.. and i cant explain it..
but im hanging in there.. i really dont wanna die, im scared..

ill get my gabapentin in a little bit... and hopefully it will help...
im also starting saphris if i get it today...

i appreciate all you guys views and thoughts... cause im having a hard time seeing whats right infront of my face
i think that maybe i really am dissociated from whats happening.. depersonalized or whatever...
i just have never read anything about it happening like this... so im so confused... but maybe i have read about it and just because im dissociating it im not able to put it together...

i have severe mood swings, when i have a mood that is.. because sometimes im just a blank, empty shell, of a human.. if i can be called a human
maybe, just maybe im just so depersonalized that im sincerely confused about what im experiencing.

im really going to try to talk about this stuff this time, instead of discussing psychology... i need to talk about myself, i didnt realize i was doing that with my therapist but it must of been frustrating to her.. its just really difficult to talk about myself because i dont know myself

i just wanna say thanks for everyone and apologize for my confusions.. i really hope that im able to figure this out now that im at the ropes end...