im back

im ok, for the moment im back
ya know what i mean?
im having really high anxiety and stuff... like, i think im having a Quarter life crisis thing going on... im gonna go away from these forums for a while i just wanted to let everyone know so no one worried if i did something bad to myself or not... im not gonna hurt myself, atleast i hope not..

i am going through a lot, and im making huge decisions that are rattling everything that i am... i think that im going to give up on this disability junk, i've been fighting for it for a long long time and its just not getting me anywhere... and even if i got it, its not that much money for me to actually survive on so i would still be stuck in this house where its causing me a lot of distress internally... so its not the best option for me... i need to "wake up"
face life, face my problems, stop hiding inside this fantasy world i created inside... stop retreating... and im trying really hard to do that, but its very scary and i think that im having a lot of dissociative problems but i really really really REALLY dont understand dissociation so im very confused by it but i think that maybe its not so important for me to understand it... i just need to FOCUS. i need to get out of this place, need to stabilize, need to prioritize. need to get my life on track... things CAN be ok, i can be alive, i can live, i can have a life... its all possible, life is here... its waiting for me, i just have to grab it and say **** all the stuff thats been beating me down my whole life, i have to be selfish a bit, i have to be self centered a bit, its time for me to say its TIME FOR ME.
its my time, i've given time for everyone else my whole life so much so that i dont know who or what i am and now i have to develop myself.. its not going to be easy, but i have no choice, im not ready, but if not now then when? right?

this new medication they put me on too is not helping i think, i think its causing some strange side effects, such as unusual behaviour, thoughts, and increased my self harm... Saphris, im going to talk to my case manager monday and talk to her about it and see if we can just stop taking that medication... see if they can just put me back on the klonopin for crying out loud like i have asked quite a few times... so that i can just try to get a job somewhere and just try to make these huge changes... klonopin worked, it just my tolerance grew - im just hoping that its efficacy will last long enough for me to get used to the situations so that i can handle them if that makes sense

i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, but damnit im going to make one- you know what i mean? im sick and tired of this, im very sick and im tired of being sick... im fed up and im just done.. Quarter life crisis, Mental illness, whatever, Or not - Somethings gotta give, somethings gotta change, and its High time for it... Know what i mean?

i just dont know or understand whats been happening to me, im really embarrassed by all of my posts, i have been really out of it... in and out...
not on drugs, just really out of it mentally... stressed out... breaking down... my brain is re-wiring itself....
im changing at a core level and im very scared, very alone, and everyone around me doesnt seem to understand what im going through or doesnt know how to help me and im very frustrated

im just wanting to apologize for this madness, thank everyone for being patient and not judging... i will update as i can...

Your okay, just fine. Coming and going is normal....so happy to hear that you have a desire to grab the reins again so to speak.

Coming and going is acceptable because that's what life is...here, there, no where, everywhere....

I would like to add that this post has grit to it....so maybe the meds are working? A new resolve....oh yeah when it comes to disability....they want you crawling in with a few limbs missing...mental or physical.

If you are male...especially....they think even though you are "mental" you can still operate a shovel somewhere....so denied.

No apologies...I've done worst... (kinda alienated here but whateva)...

Really like your new attitude.....sounds responsible.....driven...mature...I hope it's your new rocket fuel.

lol i feel so alienated too... but im so used to talking to myself in real life its ok...

i dunno about that new medication though, i skipped 2 days and kinda "slid back to the dark side" on a slippery slope which i can read some weird posts on the way down...
where i was *ahem* trying to drink, use drugs, ect. to bring myself into my world... but guess what... here i am, things are ok .... for the moment.. im back... i just am a little scared, maintenance like this is difficult with no income... im struggling... and having really high anxiety... but its what is driving me, to say... i have not much choice, i have to either - Die. or Work. because the government doesnt give a damn..

and yeah im a Guy ...

remember me saying "i dont like reading my old posts" ????
this is why... because things like this happen, its not cool . . .
but its documentation right...? maybe helpful some how... to keep my crazy in 1 place...

im trying to figure this stuff out after all, its not really for entertainment or fun, its not for anyone else... its for me

i suffer from severe anxiety... MDD... PTSD... somatization disorder... ADHD... and a bad case of CRS (cant remember ****)

i know that it must be confusing to follow/understand, but its really confusing to live as well so please be sympathetic....

oooh by the way, i smoked some weed and i feel normal finally, for the first time in weeks i feel like everything is ok... just for right now... i can breathe, everythings not gonna kill me... isn't that great? <3

ps:
its just difficult to work and be ... non-sober ?
so being my normal / medicated is not proper....

Crs...lol...got tons if it here!

I wish I can smoke weed...my mind just dazes and vision doubles...then....anybody in there? Lol

I'm glad that you can find relief.....so jealous.

To add....I hate reading old posts, too...,especially ones that are written on this account that I didn't write.....so really weird,....but yet it feels somewhat familiar?

Dunno.

Biggest reason I hate coming on here is to find other writings.

But anyways...

What r ur new meds?

yeaah.... i mean dude, most of the stuff i wrote like.. even yesterday? was incomprehensible? embarrassing...
jumbled, it was a bunch of things mashed together :/ panic... chaos... upheaval ....

Mutiny?

like the hate you letter .. :/
makes me shiver

edit:
but i feel like it all is me, i just dont want to go back on that old thought process - i wanna stay focused!
the new med they put me on was Saphris and topamax... but i dont know if i wanna keep taking the saphris, if nothing else just because its a night time med and i dont really like night meds

edit edit:
i dont really feel like its me lol

its confusing

i feel like i've been away for so long, but i dont want to even contemplate the time frame; its not important...
what is important is staying focused.

i just feel sad that i go through these shifts, sad that i dont understand whats happening to me, afraid that these things happen and i dont understand... afraid that my doctors dont understand... afraid that my therapist has told me 2 times that she doesnt know how to help... afraid that the disability people have denied denied and denied...

im at the end of the rope, the bottom of the barrel, times up ya know!
time for ME to do something.. its my turn, so here im back, i just dont know where i went to or why i left, ... or how its even possible?

but i gotta stay focused, getting off track is how things get messed up, becoming obsessed is opening doors to the ones inside that will destroy everything

its trying to happen you guys... trying to take over / kick me out
its like a water balloon screaming to burst out with excitement...
my anxiety is really high

my feelings are ... fading
maybe fading is a good word to use. but maybe being overwhelmed by empathy, or transmuted is a better word..

im becoming really fearful, this fear is causing me to lose control

what do i do?

im fearful that i will not be able to obtain a job, that i will not be able to perform the job if i obtain one... i want to channel all of the obsessive power i have into a healthy thing such as this, a positive motivator... i can do it...
right...?

i've never done anything like this before.
im improvising all of this.. during a mental break down, ya know..
trying to stabilize a plane that is about to crash and is about to explode, lol .. :/
and im not even a pilot, can't even drive a car, am like legally blind, on and on and on, totally not qualified for this, so what in the world am i doin here....

but no one else can do it it seems!

im afraid to go to work... im so afraid of people...
being in a place with no escape... trapped... under someone elses control...

im not trying to make it sound like im going back and forth again... im just in a different place right now... my heart is really heavy and i feel really distant... trying to stay grounded.. but im having a hard time and almost not wanting to stay, you know, i don't want to be alone either

i just feel like my life has forced an ultimatum on me... This is the way things are going to be or you are probably going to die! This is your wake up call, Get it or You'll Die!
Do not miss this last call, or else you will be terribly sorry.

does that make sense?

i just wish i had a couple friends that were like, you can totaly do it man, we believe in you.. its gonna be scary, but we're gonna be here for you and help you the best we can ok? we're here for you! you got this!
and i can be all like, ok yall, if you think i can do it then thats 2 against 1 and i dont trust myself half the time so 2 against .5 really ... cant argue with those odds right?

i cant believe i lost a friend through this stuff... i think thats been one of the big slaps... because its like, you see how this is going to ruin you? or are you going to take over and start taking control?
i have to gain more power... control... instead of allowing those kind of things to happen, i should be able to control it and stop it... since maybe you know, when im like this, i sound a little more "sane" ........ atleast i think i do.. don't i?

i really liked her... im hoping i can fix things with her too.. trying to fix everything, everything all at once :/

im going to call my case manager monday and tell her that i need to do something different... i changed.. i shifted... or something changed in me... or.. i dont really know what to tell her... " hi CM, i changed again... i need to go to work really bad, like yesterday, i need to make an income and take control over my life really bad, i need help and guidance please" "oh and also i need to get back on my old anxiety medication and i quit taking that saphris stuff"

sigh, im afraid for tomorrow... im going to be completely sober... i don't think its going to be a very good thing...

iunno whats up with the being played thread... its not letting me go to the last page...

im just having really bad anxiety. i have somatization disorder, so i guess that means i have a lot of physical stuff happen with my anxiety... im being electrocuted... these zaps, shocks... are making me feel really sick... on top of the anxiety.

im afraid that im going to slip away again... i can feel the irritability... things inside beating on the walls... screaming...
how can i focus like this...? im afraid im losing my focus... im really so stressed out you guys.. im so tired of living like this i cant take it, im so motivated to make change but the inside of me is so ... much in upheaval... change, change is not safe. change is scary, but i have to make change!
change can be good! change can make everything better... i want to be happy, i try to quell the inner disasters, the inner rioting.. but i just become electrocuted, its like nothing matters.. and im starting to feel so sick... nauseous ... i don't know if i can remain focused... im getting dizzy and feel like im going to puke you know... not like right now. i mean yes right now too, but i have been all morning...

im trying to calm down enough to call my case manager..

I've talked to her one time... I cried.... But I told her whatsup, I said I quit taking the saphris because I thought it was making me act weird.... And asked her if she could please talked to the doctor about me getting back on my old anxiety medication....Klonopins... Told her that I can't wait on his disability... Something's gotta happen now... I need an income and need to be able to take care of myself...
I told her I need a job but in vedy scared and my anxiety is really high...

She said she was going to talk to the doc... And was goin to call me back... I been just sitting outside rocking back and forth waiting.... I am shaking so bad...
This stuff, my life, has to change... Im not giving up or letting it take over again... Im just feeling very sick....
And im afraid, what if I fail...

I feel so alone.. none of my family understand... I have no friends to understand... So in all alone...
But I have to persist...

Though I walk through he valley of death... I shall fear no evil... These shadows can't control me any more... Im taking his life over....

Their life I mean, im not going to be haunted by myself any more damnit

Im on the tablet so having some typing error fun

It's just... I keep asking my family what am I going to do..... I gotta do something now you know... And all they can say is I don't know...

It's like they don't get how important this is... How big this is.... This is my life yo..

And all they can say is I don't know what to do for you... For start maybe try telling g me something nice to make me feel better and stop arguing your asses off over petty ****?

Everyone just hiding from me 😞 so alone.,.. I walk into room and it empties... That kind of thing... I just gotta do dis alone...😞

Why am I so damn soft, why you can't buck up. You think the streets would allow you to cry about this ****?
You think anyone really care bout you having some wack *** panic attack over who knows what?

Just need to get your **** together, forget that soft ********, don't need any of that.
Just need to get he hell on with this simple *** goal, get it on.
Everyone must do it and many do it in their young teenage years so you're a 27 year old man that is going to get this **** right or else.

Focus fool, whatsup? You blind? It Infront of you, so just grab. The **** and run.

Im scared damnit, I told my sister if she staying tonight maybe she can help me look for a job tomorrow in front t of my dad and he got pissef off a me, dis de kind of stupid stuff datsnbroke me and caused me to be like dis...

He said what you gonna do what skills you have you can't handle it on and one me then get in the damn truck I take you to look for a damn job right now I fucjing hate this place I want out now

See why in so soft mother fucjer see why in so broken it's no my fucjer fault?!!

"The streets don't have no pity.. "

I hate being sober... I try so hard.. but I go through these changes... I talk to myself.... And im like a good friend to myself you know, I protect myself and want the best for me... But I just... I don't know why I have to do this... If I can talk to myself and be in those states why can't this hurt part just die and let the knowledgeable confident parts that seem to know all the answers just do all the work... It's not right... Amanda said if it was d.i.d. then it would be like that so obviously I don't have d.i.d.... I just want to get rid of all of these bad parts.... I want that street part to take over, but it's only here when im dealing with drugs or ppl at parties..

Im crying 😢😢

Guess in not back after all huh... I dunno who I am I just wanna quit this all so bad...

sigh....
i knew this you know, thats why im having such high anxiety...
i already knew this

we called the case manager back... cause she never called back
and she said no klonopin because they want me to be sober for 6 months to a year.
ok........ wtf, you know..? whatever... i dont need them...

im shutting down guys... i can feel it, i know whats happening now

this is really really important

im going through myself, who and what i am is a mess... its clean house

its really painful... but im moving my psyche around, im changing who i am on a ... core level... i didnt know this was possible, but i guess people change all the time..

its just that i have so much pain inside of me that has not been dealt with, that thought it was having a turn to be dealt with... but its not time, these people can't help me... this clinic cant help me... i have to save myself... NO ONE can save ME.

this is what i have to hold on to.... this is the ugly truth that i have to keep in the fore front...
this pain has to stay deep down, there is no time for it right now...

thats what i meant earlier about bucking up, i have to get out of this hole... away from myself... to save myself, because no one can save me... no one can hear me... no one can see me - its just me here, only me

its all on me, i didnt do this to myself, but its all on me

im shutting down, i have to shut it down... its just this anxiety is killing me... i gotta get rid of it..
its going to piss me off and its not cool when i get pissed off at myself

the case manager told me that i HAVE to wait... i have to have patience, i HAVE to keep taking the saphris, i cant have the klonopin, i probably cant get a job right now and even if i did try i would have to wait for that

no one understands how dire the situation is ... why is it that no one can hear me?

im thinking about quiting going to this clinic... i thought that maybe they were gonna hear me this time... ya know.. but i think that i was hypnotized, they tricked me again.
they can't help me... im not sure anyone can help me but myself...

Priorities...
i need to quell this anxiety...
i need to find income...
i need to get a job asap, now, yesterday.
i need to forget my problems, i dont have problems.
i need to end this stupid madness, there is no madness.
there is no spoon

this is the end...

does that make sense?

i dont wanna go see them people at the clinic anymore... they dissapoint me... i dont wanna go to therapy anymore.. its made me worse... i just need a job, money, weed... forget about my problems, i dont have problems, IM FINE.




I wish someone could hear me...

Awakening
By Barbara, Sanctuary for the Abused
July 25, 2009

A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…. ENOUGH ! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on.

Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new ayes. This is you awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of peace and calm is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you-or didn’t do to you- and learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself. And in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve overgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manoeuvring through life as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a PIG to sing. You learn that the only cross to bear is one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about LOVE. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is a temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubts, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working towards making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people… and you learn not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody’s pushing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take care of many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about.

Then you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

yeah, its all just smacking me in the face

and this way that my life has been for 27 years is not ok...
i want different, i want happy, i want more, i want MINE.
this is my life.. im going to be selfish... im going to be self centered now... its time for me... i must think about me.... its no more about others, its not a fairy tale... its not a movie... its not a video game...

this is sucky *** real life...

i just wanna survive and have an enjoyable life

its scary though, why is it scary?

does cymbalta help alot with anxiety?

that doctor took me off cymbalta... maybe thats why my anxiety is going through the roof?

im getting sick of myself :/ im gonna go away and see what i can accomplish... lets see... update in a while.. maybe some days, i dunno, we'll see......

You seem really concerned about getting employment and an income right now. Does your case management agency offer any assistive employment services? Or do any other places in the community? They help link you with employers and provide extra support and coaching. They also help you manage your hours so you don't lose your benefits, if you receive any.