Need Help: Husband Gay

I have been married for a little more than four years. My husband just told me he wants a divorce. He has been telling me for several months that he has wanted to leave and giving me stupid reasons for wanting to do so. Finally, a few days ago, he told me he was gay, and that was why he wanted a divorce.

I am shocked and I need support. I posted on the Relationship forum but only got one reply. I am seriously hurting and don't know where to turn.

I am seeing a therapist. My friends and family live far away.

I replied on relationship thread.

why dont you try to tell ur husband go to see a therapist to treat him
because it is not normal for a man to be a gay !
i have seen this work sometimes
take care

Hi Fobrorobin,
I understand how shocked and devastated you must be feeling and you're going to go through many emotions,, but you will get through this. I disagree with the above post that being gay isn't an illness and shouldn't be thought of something that needs to be cured. At least I give him credit for being honest. He has probably struggled with this and thought that he could conform to marriage with a woman. I don't think he meant to hurt you and I hope this lifts a little of your grief. He was probably so confused about his own sexuality. My brother (now passed )was gay. I know you feel angry right now, but I hope one day you can understand how he struggled with his feelings and that's why he did this.
Right now you need to take care of yourself and don't think that this was your fault. It's okay to feel all these emotions and it will help you to finally get to a peaceful place. I'm sorry this happened and I hope you'll feel better very soon.

I can't agree with Lynn more. She said it perfectly.

Being gay is NOT a disorder or a disease of any kind and cannot be "fixed". It is the sexuality of said individual and should be accepted as just that...whether it be hetro, or otherwise.

I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for you, and wish there were words to help you along your dispair and heartache. I, too, am going through a divorce. I know of your pain.

Your husband must be going through some awful times as well. He was honest with you regarding this and does deserve the credit for that, however painful it may be.

I agree that your hub didn't intended to hurt you. It must have been a long struggle for him to not only come to terms with his sexuality, but also to muster the confidence to confront you with this.
I doubt that this decision of his reflects his love for you. He had the decency to be honest with you, and hopefully you both can maintain something beyond the marriage.

You need to attend to yourself and focus on what's best for you, now. You're on the right path by seeking support through your therapist, and hopefully that will guide you through.

I hope this helps some. Although, I know that there are few words that may help during times of heartache. Time is your ali now. Allow yourself to begin the healing process. You deserve that.

Shangrala

Thanks Lynn and Shangrala,
I believe it has been a hard, confusing process for him and he is telling me to finally be truthful now that he is sure about it.

I am just so sad about losing my loving husband. For me, this came out of no where.

What are some good divorce books to read?

I'm so sorry that your going threw this. Divorce is hard. When I was going threw my divorce I read books from John Grey. He has relationship books on everything, and it really helped me.

I think I can understand how confused, hurt and perhaps angry you must be feeling. But as you said yourself, he has at least finally been able to be open and honest with you.

In time you may come to see this shared intimacy - his truth - as a great gift your husband has given you. You can have your "beloved" husband still. Not as the husband you want but as a man you love as he is. That would be your gift to him.

I believe you two have children together? It's very important the two of you be cordial and have at least a good enough relationship that you can both be parents of your children together.

Also it would be doing your children a big disservice by using his sexuality against him or have them veiw it in any negative light. There are many people who have been through this. Go to your local bookstore or amazon.com and go to the LGBT section. They'll be positive books there to help steer you through this. And certainly the whole family being in therapy for a bit to process this couldn't hurt at all. Good luck.

fibrorobin,

I agree with lynn, shangrala, and pomegranate. I haven't read any books on divorce, to help me through the same process, or I'd recommend some to you.

I do agree with jerrymichele in that divorce is painful. My divorce has been very confusing, depressing, alienating, frustrating, etc. A whole slew of difficult emotions to work through. Having children complicates the divorce, as my ex and I will always have to work with one another. The best relationship we can have is the healthiest for our young children. My ex and I have tried hard to not put each other down or become angry with one another in front of our girls. That does require more interraction with one another, but the benefit outweighs my inner pain. I don't want my girls to be against either of us, or grow up mistrusting men and/or women.

Very best wishes to you
Shez

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you both are able to work through the divorce and still remain friends. I went on amazon to look for a book on the subject and here is a link: http://www.amazon.com/My-Husband-Gay...5699249&sr=8-3 I hope this helps. Good Luck!

Hi Shez,
this was a very beautiful post that you wrote here. You and I believe and think tha same when it comes to divorce and separation. For financial reasons my husband and I are still living in the same house(sep. bedrooms). But we think th same as you and treat each other respectfully and this spares the children. I applaud you both for making this mature decision.

fibrorobin, what a shock you have had. Please take your time and don't rush things. You need time to get used to this. I have two teenagers and just signed all my final divorce papers last week. My XH and I have a very amicable relationship (although there were many ups and downs in the divorce process) and are committed to treating each other cordially and co-parenting our children. We worked hard to achieve this, but it is worth it! Being hostile and hateful benefits no one, least of all your kids. I think your H had a hard thing to do--not only to come out, but to realize it meant breaking up the marriage and hurting you. I hope you can be kind to each other. It is a hard time for everyone. How old are your children?

I am glad you have a therapist for support. My therapist was very influential in promoting a good post-divorce relationship between me and my XH, for the sake of our kids. To be honest, though, I did this as much for me as for my kids. But doing it for the kids can be a very big motivator.

Here are two books that are very good. The second one is very nuts and bolts and full of good ideas for splitting up and co-parenting. The first one is my personal favorite, and was instrumental in motivating me to strive for positive relations with my ex-spouse. Before I was even done reading it, I bought a copy for my H and asked him to read it.

1) The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart. by Constance Ahrons
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Divorce-C...5729031&sr=1-1

2) Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child. by Isolina Ricci
http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dad...ref=pd_sim_b_1

I would recommend that if you want an amicable split from your H, you do your best not to talk to friends or family members who had horrible divorces. Many people go through a hostile split, fight in court, etc., and they will try to poison you from having an amicable split. My XH and I found this time and time again and learned it was better not to talk to these people. They would try to sway you to their point of view that you should hate your spouse and be hateful to him/her, screw him/her in court, etc.

At some point, you will have to make some legal decisions. I would recommend you talk this over with your husband and think carefully about what kind of divorce you want. There are a number of different ways to do it: do-it-yourself, litigation, mediation, and collaborative. If you litigate, you may both end up hating each other. The lawyers will encourage you to try to destroy the other person. Beware! I had a collaborative divorce, and this worked well for us, although it was challenging at times. Here is the collaborative divorce association website, and it describes the process. Mediation is another option that keeps you out of court.
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals
http://www.collaborativepractice.com/

That's probably too much information too soon. But I hope those books will help.

Hang in there.

Im sorry to say this...however i think that is the most selfish thing anyone can do. he has some nerve telling you he's gay after four freaking years. How dare he? he has wasted your time. He didnt just figure out he wasnt attracted to women he knew this for a while and should have had the decency to tell you if he said he "loved" you. Give him what he wants and dont be empathtic to him he doesnt care about your feelings at all. he telling you that he rather put penis in another mans butt rather then be with you. very sad. Im soooooooooooooo sorry.Keep strong.dont let it ruin your life. life didnt begin with him and it wont end with him.

Excuse Me?

I can be almost positive that if Fibrorobin didn't feel bad enough, she most certainly does now simply by such a vulgar and insensitive remark such as this of yours now.
And, you continue by throwing in a couple words of empty encouragement? How obviously shameful.

Although it's possible that her husband could have handled this matter differently so that it would not have devistated Fibrorobin as it has, that doen't mean that his act was intentional.
Who are we to pass judgement on her situation, anyway? We are here to listen and support the best that we can...NOT to be so deliberately hurtful.

And I can assure you that there are far more selfish things that others can do, (such as possibly this reply of yours to her?), to other's without having any remorse whatsoever.

I can only hope that you will have the decency to offer Fibrorobin a sincere heartfelt apology.

(I apologize if this reply of mine is considered flaming. It is NOT a practice of mine to do so, however I felt it very necessary to respond to this in this manner).

Fibrorobin, our thoughts are with you. Hang in there.

Shangrala

I don't think hating the man will do you any good. Please dont even consider the above posters suggestions. I cant imagine the hurt you are going through, I really cant, but you can get through it with caring and empathy far easier than holding on to hatred. Trust me, after many many years of ugly hate eating up my soul I finally decided to give empathy and love and care a try and I have made more progress with empathy in 3 months than I have with hate for 14 years.

Everybody does selfish things, everyone make mistakes some of them are terrible terrible mistakes. I cant know the reasons that your husband pretended to be straight but I am sure it had something to do with the hatred that is in our world for people that are gay. I hope that you get all the support you need and find the love that you deserve. Peace to you.

It has taken me a whole day to decide whether or not to comment on your post because I'm not one to fight, but I do stand up for what I believe is right. I strongly believe in keeping divorces peaceful except in cases where there's abuse. I think Fibrorobin is looking to be understood and not looking for reasons to hate her husband. She agrees that her husband has struggled with this, as she has.
I agree with Shangrala/Dividebyzero that, you may think you're offering encouragement but it's disguised in HATE. What good do these comments do, but encourage her to feel bad and hate/resent her husband. Most of us here do not want Fibrorobin to carry around festering resentment and hate - that would be hurting her. We want her to heal and realize that none of this was her fault and that he really didn't mean to hurt her or deliberately mislead her. One day I hope she will truly understand that her husband was seriously trying to deny his homosexuality and conform - and none of this was her fault. He waited so long because he was afraid and also he didn't want to hurt her. I also bet that he did love her although not in a sexual way. This is all raw for her right now, but already she is trying to get to a place of understanding, which shows she is a beautiful person. Maybe this is one of the reasons he took this long because she 's a nice person and he was afraid. Your comments added fuel to a smouldering fire.

Well said, Lynn.

There is absolutely no progression in resentment and negative harborment.

There is also no use for anyone to focus on dark energies, such as that of hatered.

Sending lots n lots of positive thoughts your way, Fibrorobin

Shangrala

Shangrala,
than you for your kind words. You actually gave me the courage since you were the first to take a stand. All the best to you.

I haven't been here in a long time. I am really depressed. I love my husband and I do not want to lose him. It is the worst possible thing I could have imagined.

We do not have any kids by the way.

I am having the hardest time accepting he is gay. I am depressed and non-functioning.

I do not hate him.

Oh dear...that's so sad...I'm so sorry for you who are going trough such a difficulty....
I think you don't have really a choice rather than accepting the situation and if you love him, just wish him happiness....He's not the only guy on the earth....you will find another love in your life...
just one thing I want to add....my friend is major in bio-Chemistry...He told me that being gay or straight is really in the DNA of the person....
so, you can't really do anything about it....just time will heal your wounds....
poor guy, he might have struggle with it for his whole life...honesty, it's better that he told you now rather than after having kids and then imagine how awful it would be for kids....
If you want to feel a little bit better, watch "Friends" TV shows, Changler's father is gay....
Just look at the whole thing in your life as a story, as a movie....just watch it and accept it....you will be fine....my thoughts are with you

with love
Marjan

I'm so sorry. You might need to go see a therapist for a little while. Divorce is so painful for anyone. I do hope that you are around family, and friends. Keep posting, so that we can be here for you.

Dearest fibrorobin,

First of all. At least your husband was honest with you. I understand that it is not easy to hear or to deal with. I was with a guy for almost 6 years and found out the hard way that he was gay. He now has custody of our 9 year old daughter. To my knowledge she does not know and he doesn't have men over when he has her. I want you to listen to me and take these words to your !! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS!!! I struggled for a little over a year wondering where I went wrong and what my problem was for my partner to turn gay on me. I then relized that it had NOTHING to do with me. He has always been this way. He will not change. He is struggling with what he is and having me around made him look normal. The things he wanted to do in the bedroom were beyond normal. I was young and didn't understand that they were not normal. He was my first consented sexual partner and with that came my first child. Just hang in there and always remember NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE LOVED!!!!

Well I have the perspective of being a married woman whose been seriously questioning if I'm gay and not just bi as I've thought I was for a long time. It's a confusing thing for everyone involved but yeah I feel more bi and mostly don't want to lose the relationship I have. I do have moments where I wonder though.

I can't say I have any really helpful advice except I particularly sympathize and I know that has to be just so hard for you, just understand that I think it takes a long time for some people to come to grips with their sexuality and I don't think it's the case that he had to be lying or hiding it from you like someone else said.

If you think it wouldn't be too painful are there any sort of pflag groups or such in your area you could visit with? A therapist might be able to direct you both to some glbt resources.

Ok, playing the devils advocate here.....but.......

What better way to get a divorce than to say you are gay......right off....instant divorce.....whether he really is or isn't....when we say gay.....automatically release from marriage & release from the wife feeling it was something she did......best of all worlds for the husband wanting out of the marriage........whether he really goes gay when he is actually out of the relationship???? Remains to be seen.

This was just the first question that came to my mind after being married for 4 years to a guy......think some signs would have been there.

Anything is possible these days.....I'm not doing to get into the discussion on what has been said previously......

Just had to throw out another possibility......end resuly will probably be the same DIVORCE.....as who knows whether marrige counceling would change anything if it wants out that bad.

Just a thought....just another possibility that I hasn't been presented yet.

Debbie

AAAhhh, it's heartbreaking. I know this sounds stupid, but it's for the better, especially if he is gay. I am going through a divorce, and i wish i knew the reasons why. He just tells me I don't make him happen and uses the past as excuses. I know he has been talking with other women, etc. but for some stupid reason if it were that he were gay, i could feel more for him and less angry.