[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I guess i want to know how I keep fighting for now?

Sorry for the delay in response! I've been deathly ill the past few days & having to babysit sick grand babies. I don't know how to answer this question exactly, as I am fighting just to get out of bed at the moment. Just keep faith in things getting better, & get all the support you can from all of us here & keep fighting.

[pam2013]

I hope you get to feeling better.

I think I've figured out why I never feel "heard" even though often I am…I'm someone who craves a lot of attention and "worship" for lack of a better word. That's probably why my dream job would be to be a rock star. I'm at least in music already, though more of the scholarly side for the time being…

I don't know why I need so much attention, but I do my hair, makeup (if I have time for makeup), choose my clothes, piercings, and future tattoos/piercings for the maximum amount of attention…even from complete strangers. I'm at a point where I'm afraid my desire to look different is going to separate me from academia, even though I'm a musician, so looking different makes sense.

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Sorry for the delay in response! I've been deathly ill the past few days & having to babysit sick grand babies. I don't know how to answer this question exactly, as I am fighting just to get out of bed at the moment. Just keep faith in things getting better, & get all the support you can from all of us here & keep fighting.

Very sorry to hear that, hope you feel better, I think you should take good care of yourself, just like you care for others.

It's ok, I've found some help from some very nice people here about my gender topic, who actually took the time to PM me and answer my questions in private. I was a little impatient at first, but thanks for the help and this great thread.

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I think I've figured out why I never feel "heard" even though often I am…I'm someone who craves a lot of attention and "worship" for lack of a better word. That's probably why my dream job would be to be a rock star. I'm at least in music already, though more of the scholarly side for the time being…

I don't know why I need so much attention, but I do my hair, makeup (if I have time for makeup), choose my clothes, piercings, and future tattoos/piercings for the maximum amount of attention…even from complete strangers. I'm at a point where I'm afraid my desire to look different is going to separate me from academia, even though I'm a musician, so looking different makes sense.

I agree with the first part, very much. My dream job is to be famous, rock star or not, and I'm familiar with a few instruments too.

Everybody deserves attention, me thinks. Nothing wrong with that, even I sometimes tell myself that 'the world doesn't revolve around me', I do crave attention from strangers, am sometimes let down when I think I look good, and don't get any attention at all. In a very conservative society that I live in, I tend to be a little more bold when it comes to looks.

I think you should be heard, maybe you only feel like you're being heard but are not.

As for myself, again.

I've felt unheard/ignored a lot in my short life so far. I had a mother who thought I was just paranoid when I kept telling her my head's not right. I remember telling her maybe I need a psychologist to cope with my troubles, the response I got was 'nonsense, you're perfect in every way'. When I got older, I'd get pretty confrontational about this, I'd tell them "You're afraid of the truth, aren't you, you just want to be in your bubble where you keep believing i'm perfect?", she wouldn't answer that but I could see it in her eyes.

I can't blame them, and I'm glad to say they've changed now, it's not too late, they tell me my happiness comes first, and support me a lot more.

I'm going through a particularly tough period in my life right now, and there are people I care for, and I just don't seem to be getting enough attention from them.

There's this one person who I can't see eye to eye anymore, I've tried to reconcile, but i get turned down or ignored, I repeatedly keep trying, but this person seems to not know, how much I'm willing to put the past behind. I've apologized, and told the person I have no ill feelings towards him. He doesn't talk to me. He ignores me and even fails to acknowledge my presence, It's like I'm a ghost. The reason we don't see eye to eye anymore, is actually quite petty, this person is *known* to hold grudges. It's hurting me very much inside, I actually dream about talking to him again. I can't hold grudges against anyone.

I'm tired of trying to make it up to him. We were close once, we had no differences, people told me he holds grudges, but I refused to believe them until it happened to me. He's not a bad person, he is in fact, very kind, and I see a lot of myself in him.

I'm rambling on and on... sorry...

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I agree with the first part, very much. My dream job is to be famous, rock star or not, and I'm familiar with a few instruments too.

Everybody deserves attention, me thinks. Nothing wrong with that, even I sometimes tell myself that 'the world doesn't revolve around me', I do crave attention from strangers, am sometimes let down when I think I look good, and don't get any attention at all. In a very conservative society that I live in, I tend to be a little more bold when it comes to looks.

I think you should be heard, maybe you only feel like you're being heard but are not.

It's not just simply attention…and I realize the next part is going to make me sound like I'm a narcissist, but…I have a desire to be worshipped almost like a deity. I'm not sure where that stems from exactly.

And I want the world to revolve around me and I always feel down if I think I look hot and I seem to get no attention for it. My self-esteem seems to be black and white too—either I feel better than everyone else and no one deserves me or I feel unworthy and like I don't deserve anyone else. It's all quite weird.

P.S. I hope everyone who is sick gets better soon. I forgot to mention that earlier.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by pam2013

I hope you get to feeling better.

Thank you! Me or the meds one are feeling a little better today.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by brokenentity

As for myself, again.

I've felt unheard/ignored a lot in my short life so far. I had a mother who thought I was just paranoid when I kept telling her my head's not right. I remember telling her maybe I need a psychologist to cope with my troubles, the response I got was 'nonsense, you're perfect in every way'. When I got older, I'd get pretty confrontational about this, I'd tell them "You're afraid of the truth, aren't you, you just want to be in your bubble where you keep believing i'm perfect?", she wouldn't answer that but I could see it in her eyes.

I can't blame them, and I'm glad to say they've changed now, it's not too late, they tell me my happiness comes first, and support me a lot more.

I'm going through a particularly tough period in my life right now, and there are people I care for, and I just don't seem to be getting enough attention from them.

There's this one person who I can't see eye to eye anymore, I've tried to reconcile, but i get turned down or ignored, I repeatedly keep trying, but this person seems to not know, how much I'm willing to put the past behind. I've apologized, and told the person I have no ill feelings towards him. He doesn't talk to me. He ignores me and even fails to acknowledge my presence, It's like I'm a ghost. The reason we don't see eye to eye anymore, is actually quite petty, this person is *known* to hold grudges. It's hurting me very much inside, I actually dream about talking to him again. I can't hold grudges against anyone.

I'm tired of trying to make it up to him. We were close once, we had no differences, people told me he holds grudges, but I refused to believe them until it happened to me. He's not a bad person, he is in fact, very kind, and I see a lot of myself in him.

I'm rambling on and on... sorry...

No need to apologize! I started this thread so people COULD "ramble" if they needed to, & KNOW someone would here them. I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble reconciling, but at least you did your part in trying to make amends. I hope he finds a way to get over the "grudge"!

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

It's not just simply attention…and I realize the next part is going to make me sound like I'm a narcissist, but…I have a desire to be worshipped almost like a deity. I'm not sure where that stems from exactly.

And I want the world to revolve around me and I always feel down if I think I look hot and I seem to get no attention for it. My self-esteem seems to be black and white too—either I feel better than everyone else and no one deserves me or I feel unworthy and like I don't deserve anyone else. It's all quite weird.

P.S. I hope everyone who is sick gets better soon. I forgot to mention that earlier.

I want to be adored, looked upto, and worshipped too, don't know about 'deity'.

I can really connect with what you're saying. I like being looked at, especially see some jealousy or admiration in the eyes of others. When i feel good about my looks, and I don't get any mention of it from anyone, I feel terrible.

I have some 'fame complex' i want people to listen to me, talk about me, i don't want to just live out a 9 to 5 job anonymously (no disrespect intended)

I think you want it all, or nothing, at least on what you say. A bit like me.

You're very honest, I don't know how many people are like this, but they probably won't admit it.

[LiteraryLark]

It seems that on PC I get into arguments quite frequently, whereas in reality I'm a doormat, a pushover that's constantly getting stepped on and used for money and my car, and someone who avoids confrontation at all costs. I get stepped on and shut down wherever I go, like I can't avoid it. And it's like, people have these discussions that are highly controversial and I get set up for an argument. =/

Originally Posted by brokenentity

I want to be adored, looked upto, and worshipped too, don't know about 'deity'.

I can really connect with what you're saying. I like being looked at, especially see some jealousy or admiration in the eyes of others. When i feel good about my looks, and I don't get any mention of it from anyone, I feel terrible.

I have some 'fame complex' i want people to listen to me, talk about me, i don't want to just live out a 9 to 5 job anonymously (no disrespect intended)

I think you want it all, or nothing, at least on what you say. A bit like me.

You're very honest, I don't know how many people are like this, but they probably won't admit it.

I'm honest to a fault…it's a bad bad thing. I just need to learn how to lie…but it's difficult to if you care about a person (or it's anonymous like on here).

What really bothers me is I have zero luck in romantic stuff…unless everyone involved is drunk, but what I'm really referring to is relationships. I'm attractive, intelligent, have a great sense of humor/personality, am extremely honest and loyal…but I'm never anyone's first choice or probably not even their second or third. And I don't understand what's so awful about me…it makes zero sense that a large number of people aren't fighting of me (unless of course they're drunk). And if I show interest in someone, they'll either get away from me or use my loyalty in order to use me for whatever they need. I don't think most people care in real life or there's not enough around for me not to be lonely most of the time.

I'd rather contact someone I had feelings for in the past (but obviously I wasn't his first choice and probably not even his second or third) than be alone the next few days. It doesn't even matter that in the end, all he does is hurt me. At least there's some happiness there first.

For some reason, people can only be romantically/sexually interested in me out of pity….

How am I supposed to not be depressed when I realize that? No amount of medication is going to erase that those who pretended to "love" me did it in order to use me (because I'm so loyal and would do anything for them) or out of sheer pity because no one will ever really want me like that.

That's why I'm depressed despite the medication. Is it even worth taking meds?

And is it worth being around people again? Do I have to start from scratch and make a new group of friends again? And this time not share anything about myself and be a completely different person….

And if I have to start from scratch when it comes to making new friends, I'll just wait until fall when I'll hopefully be starting school again. At least that would give me a reason to continue living, friends or not.

I think I may have killed the thread...

No one will reply and there's no point in starting a thread because no one will reply to that either…so I guess I need to find another place to talk to people or just get used to talking to no one?

I can't even get dressed today and go to the store. It's better anyway because that means hopefully I'll eat less. Or maybe just not eat at all for a while. There's really no point. There's no point to any of this. Why did I even wake up today? The world by its very nature mocks me and my existence. I don't think my "friends" in real life even know what hurts my feelings and it's not like I can say anything. I also like that no one is really all the concerned when I disappear or they haven't heard from me in a while. Maybe I should just keep to myself and see if any of them actually miss me. Until then, I can be bombarded by the media with pictures of couples and people who are able to put together a band. Because apparently everyone knows that having someone actually highly educated in music would be detrimental to a band. Especially if they write music and can play several instruments. No one in their right minds wants that. Not to mention that having a hot bad*** chick would completely ruin their image. People are so incredibly stupid!

But I get it world, you don't want me. For anything.

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

No one will reply and there's no point in starting a thread because no one will reply to that either…so I guess I need to find another place to talk to people or just get used to talking to no one?

I can't even get dressed today and go to the store. It's better anyway because that means hopefully I'll eat less. Or maybe just not eat at all for a while. There's really no point. There's no point to any of this. Why did I even wake up today? The world by its very nature mocks me and my existence. I don't think my "friends" in real life even know what hurts my feelings and it's not like I can say anything. I also like that no one is really all the concerned when I disappear or they haven't heard from me in a while. Maybe I should just keep to myself and see if any of them actually miss me. Until then, I can be bombarded by the media with pictures of couples and people who are able to put together a band. Because apparently everyone knows that having someone actually highly educated in music would be detrimental to a band. Especially if they write music and can play several instruments. No one in their right minds wants that. Not to mention that having a hot bad*** chick would completely ruin their image. People are so incredibly stupid!

But I get it world, you don't want me. For anything.

Sorry I could not reply earlier. You can PM me if you wish to, i'll keep in touch.

As for your friends, I can't really tell. My friends, I can tell you tend to forget all my problems. I keep telling them the same things again and again. but they go back to square one after a short while. It hurts me very much. "You don't remember anything, do you?"

I can tell you, I'm not missed at all, the same friends who used me when they needed my help, now ignore me in my dark hour. Everyone needs a friend, and it's very hard to find real friends these days, at least that's how I see it. They only try to get in touch with me when they need me. All I can tell you is, you'll find a true friend someday.

I had one good friend myself, he never expressed his friendship, didn't talk much, didn't hang around with me, didn't even wish me on my birthdays, but showed up and helped me out when he heard I'm in trouble, and then disappeared without asking for my appreciation. I think he's a true friend. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to be the same person anymore, maybe he has his own problems, but doesn't wish to share them with anyone. He has gone into a shell.

Don't let all this distract you from your musical talents, Maybe try to channel some of your feelings into your music? I know it's hard, I'm not saying it's easy.

I can play guitar myself, i had a buddy who did too, we could never get along. It takes incredible understanding between the members of a band, especially if you're aiming big time. It takes a lot of time for things to fall in place, methinks, finding an artistic direction that all the members of a band are comfortable with.

I also think some men are intimidated by women who are talented, they want the spotlight, but not everyone is like this, I'm sure.

I just wish my reply was of some help as I can connect with what you said. You can PM me if you wish.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

And if I have to start from scratch when it comes to making new friends, I'll just wait until fall when I'll hopefully be starting school again. At least that would give me a reason to continue living, friends or not.

I think I may have killed the thread...

Naw, I just can't keep up. Sorry

I'm too depressed to really get much done unfortunately…musically or otherwise. I just seem to sleep most of the day and have to fight against myself to continue to eat. I really need to go to the store too…

I don't think it would bother me as much if I hadn't finally felt able to really trust someone and even love said person only to be used and betrayed by said person soon afterwards. See, I should know better than to love anyone. You'd think I'd have learned that by now. I think the lesson is finally learned.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

I'm too depressed to really get much done unfortunately…musically or otherwise. I just seem to sleep most of the day and have to fight against myself to continue to eat. I really need to go to the store too…

I don't think it would bother me as much if I hadn't finally felt able to really trust someone and even love said person only to be used and betrayed by said person soon afterwards. See, I should know better than to love anyone. You'd think I'd have learned that by now. I think the lesson is finally learned.

I'm sorry you feel that way. Please be careful not to paint everyone with the same brush (although I certainly understand how that can happen, believe me). Just be careful with your emotions, don't let them go, but guard them. I like to think that given time someone will come along that you can trust and will want you to feel good about yourself. The trick is figuring out just what rock to turn over to find them.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

I'm sorry you feel that way. Please be careful not to paint everyone with the same brush (although I certainly understand how that can happen, believe me). Just be careful with your emotions, don't let them go, but guard them. I like to think that given time someone will come along that you can trust and will want you to feel good about yourself. The trick is figuring out just what rock to turn over to find them.

Thank you Webgoji for keeping up with this thread & helping me make sure everyone gets heard & answered! You're awesome!!

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Thank you Webgoji for keeping up with this thread & helping me make sure everyone gets heard & answered! You're awesome!!

Oohh, no, no, no ... shucks ...

Originally Posted by Webgoji

I'm sorry you feel that way. Please be careful not to paint everyone with the same brush (although I certainly understand how that can happen, believe me). Just be careful with your emotions, don't let them go, but guard them. I like to think that given time someone will come along that you can trust and will want you to feel good about yourself. The trick is figuring out just what rock to turn over to find them.

My question would be is there a way to know if I can trust someone before they betray me? I mean, I can't read people like they apparently can read me.

And can one truly control all of their emotions? For the record, I had my feelings under control until he brought up the fact that I liked him even though he didn't like me anymore than a friend he could mess around with and feel badly about later (if he wasn't faking the guilt to make me feel worse).

[Alone & confused]

Unfortunately, honest people and Liars alike will both tell you that they are honest & trustworthy. The liars & cheats don't tell you upfront what they really are, so it IS hard to tell the difference. It would be better if it were tattooed on their foreheads! The best way I can think of to "test" a person of interest, is to just be friends with them a long while. I mean, "buddy" kind of friend. Check their integrity by seeing if they lie to your other mutual friends (maybe to get out of doing stuff with them or whatever), ask about their past relationships to see why they didn't work out. People are usually a little more honest with their confidante than they are someone they're romantically involved with. Then, if things check out and you're still interested, try to take it to the next level. Otherwise, you could go through the hassle of learning how to read body language or become a private investigator.

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Unfortunately, honest people and Liars alike will both tell you that they are honest & trustworthy. The liars & cheats don't tell you upfront what they really are, so it IS hard to tell the difference. It would be better if it were tattooed on their foreheads! The best way I can think of to "test" a person of interest, is to just be friends with them a long while. I mean, "buddy" kind of friend. Check their integrity by seeing if they lie to your other mutual friends (maybe to get out of doing stuff with them or whatever), ask about their past relationships to see why they didn't work out. People are usually a little more honest with their confidante than they are someone they're romantically involved with. Then, if things check out and you're still interested, try to take it to the next level. Otherwise, you could go through the hassle of learning how to read body language or become a private investigator.

But if you wait too long (or at least if I wait too long) as a friend, they end up with someone else (if they weren't already with someone in the first place).

And it's also kind of disturbing that people are more honest with someone other than the person they are romantically involved with. Are they only involved with that person for the sex then, because I don't see any other reason under those circumstances. And besides if the person you're romantically involved with isn't also your confidante, then what's the point? I guess I don't have interest in a romantic relationship after all then?

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.

But if you wait too long (or at least if I wait too long) as a friend, they end up with someone else (if they weren't already with someone in the first place).

And it's also kind of disturbing that people are more honest with someone other than the person they are romantically involved with. Are they only involved with that person for the sex then, because I don't see any other reason under those circumstances. And besides if the person you're romantically involved with isn't also your confidante, then what's the point? I guess I don't have interest in a romantic relationship after all then?

That's just it though, once you're a"friend & a confidante", and you Do fall in love, then you're in love with you're best friend! The best of both worlds. And if they get with someone else, observe how he behaves in That relationship. Like.....does he lie to that person to spend time with You because they would get jealous of you? If so, he's probably a cheat. Or, is he Honest & he lets the other person KNOW your his friend & the two of you hang out? You May just find out by watching his relationship with someone else that he wasn't what you wanted to begin with. And if he Is, sometimes fate will play its hand and bring the two of you together. It took me TEN YEARS of being good friends before me & my bf got together as more! And even though I still have trust issues from other past painful relationships, it's more comforting to know that my lover is my best friend rather than starting out trying to get to know someone in the "boyfriend/girlfriend"status, wondering if it's going to be " here today ,gone tomorrow" because there was no foundation of friendship to build on.