T said ask this here

(((O E))) I'm glad your T wanted you to share here.. .you have a lot of stuff to say and have support for (probably a month's worth of session-work just relating!) I see your insight rising to the top and hope you will continue this back and forth with all of us here.

Now...yes, let me reaffirm that I do hear you about the PTSD and I do understand how we can try and control it but it's like one of those Chinese finger puzzles..the more we work at resisting the tighter it becomes.

May I try to dissect some things I'm seeing? (And much of it is because I've been there.)





Yes, you probably do sense them a mile away. However--and here's the finger puzzle part--the PTSD doesn't stop you from dropping lock-step into their plots.

Remember how abusive people know how to pick their targets? It's like someone who has been abused has a target on them somewhere, invisible to most, but obvious to the learned abuser. They push buttons, the victim reacts. PTSD causes this. (Maybe on both sides of the coin, but that's another matter.)

What I see perhaps is what your T is trying to help you see (IDK, so ask your T.) The very fact that you ARE reacting to this neighbor so animatedly IS proof that the PTSD is in control and you are reacting exactly as someone who doesn't know how to respond to a predator. Your mind knows...you body reacts differently. You say all the right things in one way, but in another you are feeding the fear you are running from and trying to control. (This is why I call it the "beast" of PTSD.)

This is why I suggested writing things down. Writing things as rationally as you can gives you a chance to tell your mind--okay I wrote that down I don't need to be thinking about it again. (Rather like the advice of making a list at bedtime of what still needs to be done, so you can get to sleep?) You need some groundwork foundation to be able to rely upon and build upon. "These are the facts" "I don't need to continue to remind myself of them, how unfair and outrageous and mean-spirited the neighbor is and the lawyer is and and and"

I'm young and often hotheaded and probably not the best person to go for advice but personally I would say if you are so passionate about the matter, to see it through to the end. Other than the fact that your neighbor owes you compensation in the LEAST, even if your T was right and you would have been better off not pursuing it through, if I were you I would keep boiling and festering about the matter for years and years afterwards. Whereas if I did what I wanted to do (which is see the matter to the end), then even if I end up regretting my decision, at least it was my decision and I wouldn't be stuck wishing I had done what I wanted to do.
That said, I would say do take others advice into consideration, write down rationally the pros and cons of each situation (financial gains/losses, justice/precedent, etc) and weigh everything together. In the end I think it is your decision but you should make it in a calm rational state. Best of luck to you

JD, I see your point about the PTSD. I have to say that it really takes time to learn how PTSD takes hold and can really work against those that have it. Yes, it is a beast, and it is very important to truely understand when it kicks in and how it kicks in and all the ways it kicks in causing so much stress. Geez, what would we do if we didn't know it existed or that we are not alone, I probably would think I was going crazy. It is truely such a troubling disorder to understand. And your so right about how this would take forever if I had to wait each week for an hour of finding out little bits and pieces. I also understand that PTSD is still being studied and it is important that therapists keep up on the new research. I understand what your saying about what my therapist is trying to convey, but he is not really on the mark. I can see how some CSA's could end up being constant victims because they are almost trained unknowingly how to be victims. However, as I said, I can pick up on it sooner than other people who have not been victims, and what aggrivates me is that others do not believe me until it progresses to the point where it is obvious.

For example my attorney, I felt something was not right a long time ago and yet it had to get to this point where my husband finally sees it and is now helping me communicate with him. The mark on my head at first is the abuser or person who recognizes he/she has made errors and then covers it up putting a spin on me. But I catch on and instead of allowing them to continue, I actually do stand up. I have done this many times and that is one thing some people do not like me, as my husband puts it, I am just too smart. For example my attorney knows he has screwed up more than once but would not appologize to me, instead he picked my husband knowing that my husband would not challenge him further. My husband is the nice guy and he doesn't always see the reality.
I have had this happen with trainers that tried to over charge and they would run from a confrontation with me because they knew I would call them on their faults. Whereas with my husband, they could smooth out their faults and work him over as my husband is more submissive.

What people in the kind of horse business that involves shady deceit don't like about me is that I catch what others miss, so they cant play their games with me, it drives them crazy, but that is how I get ahead, I can pick a horse and see through to the bad so they can't take advantage. Many people in business, especially the horse business are very sly and sneaky, so many tricks. However, on the other end because I have gained and produced the real quality through hard work, I also have been privy to learning alot of tricks. And I can do this because with shared secrets, I hold confidence and stand back as it is the tricker/sneaker that is responsible for the bad sale or hiding hidden issues that will eventually come up in a horse. I don't sell that way, I sell to someone as if I am the buyer and I don't buy broken beauties, I would rather buy beauties that no one else has ruined by poor training. Oh there is a lot to the horse world JD that so many do not know, I think I should write a book. Actually I have thought about it because when it comes to children, I really get upset when a child is sold a dangerous horse or pony. There really are not good laws that protect against buying a bad pony, you buy it you own it. There are so many tricks and so many people really get taken, even rich people.

But this situation I am in is difficult because I don't know the law. I see some of the errors but I just don't have the knowledge of how to get past it the smart way without me being the one who suffers. I am not jumping on anything, I am thinking about the pros and cons of each step. As I said, I didn't write the letter because I had a deposition scheduled, well, this time the other attorney is postponing. So I am caught in the middle, and I can't talk to the other side, boy I would like to do that, but this is a different game. It is such a strange game, finding the truth, justice is what one would think is important, but that is not the real game. It is getting away with whatever one can only in a legal way. It is one of the worst of the games in humanity as far as I am concerned. It kind of makes me wish I was younger because I might have wanted to take up Law and I would have wanted to flush out these scumbags. I am grateful for those few attorneys that see the holes and try to make changes for the clients

I suppose in some respect it is like the horse business there are some trainers that are really honest and expert horseman, yet there are others that move the horses that are hiding bad issues and they are just good liers and they wait for someone to come along that they can talk into buying a bad horse. Oh boy there are some really tricky horse salesmen out there and they don't care what happens to horse or rider once the money is in their hands and that horse leaves their property.

Open Eyes

Hello, Open Eyes. As I have suggested before, your case against your neighbor based on what you have said involved conduct he knew would cause you great distress. Intentional or negligent infliction of emotional distress is a legitimate cause of action in all U.S. states. What occurred in another lawsuit frankly is not relevant since the facts are different.

You should not have to be defending yourself. That you have to is most unfortunate.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is STAND UP! This is a bad guy, yet he's pushing your buttons and you're running around like a chicken... etc etc etc.

You're mind has embraced the situation to that extent, but not to the reactions you're having.

Stand up, back away from the edge... reevaluate and try to move forward without it being a personal attack on you. Regardless of what everyone else intends... this is now an out and out business dealing... they did wrong, your business suffered, they own for that. Done.

You keep adding all the angst you are feeling, and yes, I hear you... but then you add in how that angst is flowing over into other areas of your life and it seems to you, unfortunately due to the PTSD, that everything is in crisis stage.

When it isn't, really.

And ... yes, not having the money you need when you need it can be a crisis situation...but reacting or worrying doesn't do anything but make you ill.

Get me?

Thank you for all the replies. It is a lot for members to read, and a lot to hold in my brain. It is so nice to have a way to let it all out and actually get responses. And the best part about this is that others understand how it is very challenging, and even more challenging with the PTSD. I think it is awful JD that the attorneys you deal with make it so hard on you, that is so incredibly cruel to someone who struggles with PTSD. And that is what I don't like about my own case.

What has been nice about coming to PC is that I learn where the PTSD is, well, not so much clouding my brain as just presenting such a sense of overwhelm where I find it extremely hard to push past the stages the brain goes through with the PTSD effects.
Oh, I just cant believe that this disorder is so hard, and that it exists. It takes a lot of work and understanding of it to regain a sense of direction or any well being at all. And it can be so embarassing and so misunderstood and I understand why people who have it feel so alone and isolate. It is more that it is hard enough for the person who has it to understand never mind trying to tell others how to please back off or give space or try to understand the struggle. And if someone who has it cant slow down and think through it, it just shuts the mind right down, then nothing can be done. I am trying to learn how to work through and find ways to control it. It can really be exhausting and I know had I not known what this PTSD is or even you to talk to me JD and say, ok that is the PTSD and try this etc. I would probably want to give up and you know what that feels like.

One thing I know is that I have to be very careful that I do not say or do things in the anger and frustration and emotional turmoil of PTSD that will cause further harm to me.
And that is why I haven't written the letter yet too, although as I said I did have a new deposition date that was postponed to today that is again cancelled and I don't have a new date. I am trying to make sure that I don't get caught up in that mind set as you mentioned JD where I feel this is some kind of personal attack. But I have been learning about how really crappy the system is which has really caught me off guard. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy but I had not anticipated my own attorneys issues. And one of my constants in my life is that my path has been that percentile where something bad happens, out of the norm. For example, my colonoscopy was not easy at all, I suffered a spleen injury and wound up in ICU and in a situation where no one would tell me the truth because no one wanted to be sued, oh how awful that was. I get to see more and more how people don't want to be honest anymore and they go to great lengths to cover up lies and mistakes and in so doing leave the patient or in this case the client in such confusion. And as I try to approach different situations it is almost as if I don't assume the worst, the worst happens. And PTSD or no, things actually do happen that really surprise me and completely catch me off guard. And it really has nothing to do with catrophizing because it is really bad. And it isn't just that I am a person that has that mark that says abuse me, it is real mistakes and its not that I stick out as a good candidate for abuse. So I can't just assume that it is my fault or I am the victim type, I have to look beyond that, and I do try to do that. However at this point, I realize that this situation has served to truely aggrivate the PTSD. And that is what has really troubled me. But the fact that I can come here and be grounded with responses that keep me in check with reality, that has kept me sane. And to read a reply that says to me, yes that lawyer is a jerk and this happens and your right he is covering up or whatever, has helped me understand that I am actually experiencing something is not right and I am not being swept away by the PTSD etc. Because I do see it, and as I said others don't catch it and when that happens it really makes me worse.

I definitely have some thinking to do.

Open Eyes

Open Eyes; I think it is awful JD that the attorneys you deal with make it so hard on you, that is so incredibly cruel to someone who struggles with PTSD. And that is what I don't like about my own case. This is a good example of what PTSD does... it makes it all about us, a personal attack. Lawyers don't care what anyone suffers "with" lawyers have a job to do and the way they do it irks most people. It isn't about us, nor the PTSD, it is JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE. It is the PTSD (and other elements) that make us feel they are "cruel." No! We need to reframe that... they are just being lawyers doing a job.

It can really be exhausting and I know had I not known what this PTSD is or even you to talk to me JD and say, ok that is the PTSD and try this etc. I would probably want to give up and you know what that feels like.
I would have also, and actually did give up many times. It was my own pain/stress management psychologist that ingrained the proper responses into my brain you have to keep saying the right things over and over and over and over.

One thing I know is that I have to be very careful that I do not say or do things in the anger and frustration and emotional turmoil of PTSD that will cause further harm to me.

The effect of stress is internal as well, you need extra supplements of nutrients to combat the effects of the constant fight or flight syndrome: cortisol is killing us, literally.

And that is why I haven't written the letter yet too, although as I said I did have a new deposition date that was postponed to today that is again cancelled and I don't have a new date. I am trying to make sure that I don't get caught up in that mind set as you mentioned JD where I feel this is some kind of personal attack. But I have been learning about how really crappy the system is which has really caught me off guard. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy but I had not anticipated my own attorneys issues. It is a crappy system, but still really good considering what other countries have. Ok, it's a crappy system. When you find yourself butting heads, step back and say OH! that's the system, it isn't about me.

And one of my constants in my life is that my path has been that percentile where something bad happens, out of the norm. For example, my colonoscopy was not easy at all, I suffered a spleen injury and wound up in ICU and in a situation where no one would tell me the truth because no one wanted to be sued, oh how awful that was. This is indicative of the cognitive distortion of "mind reading." By assuming no one would tell you the "truth" and that it was because they didn't want to be sued, you are saying you can read their mind. Not a good thing. You have no idea how and why each person acted the way they did etc. Really. Someone may have had a personal crisis, another may just be incompetent in decision making...etc.

There's a bit of the cognitive distortion of "castastrophizing" in there too.

I get to see more and more how people don't want to be honest anymore and they go to great lengths to cover up lies and mistakes and in so doing leave the patient or in this case the client in such confusion. And as I try to approach different situations it is almost as if I don't assume the worst, the worst happens. Hmm black and white thinking? What other cognitive distortion can you find here?

And PTSD or no, things actually do happen that really surprise me and completely catch me off guard. And it really has nothing to do with catrophizing because it is really bad. But as bad as things could have been, or were even, PTSD does make it into a catastrophy! PTSD makes you believe that it "really" was "bad". I think most people don't realize that when the average person says "bad" it is far less than when someone with PTSD rates something as "bad". ???

And it isn't just that I am a person that has that mark that says abuse me, it is real mistakes and its not that I stick out as a good candidate for abuse. So I can't just assume that it is my fault or I am the victim type, I have to look beyond that, and I do try to do that. However at this point, I realize that this situation has served to truely aggrivate the PTSD. And that is what has really troubled me. But the fact that I can come here and be grounded with responses that keep me in check with reality, that has kept me sane. And to read a reply that says to me, yes that lawyer is a jerk and this happens and your right he is covering up or whatever, has helped me understand that I am actually experiencing something is not right and I am not being swept away by the PTSD etc. Because I do see it, and as I said others don't catch it and when that happens it really makes me worse. Yes you are really beginning to see.. .however the goal is to make your body believe that you don't need to overreact like the PTSD has been making you.
PTSD rips the real truth right out of your head at times.

I definitely have some thinking to do.
I'd advise a revisit to the 10 Common Cognitive Distortions and what to do about them ...sticky posted in the top of the Psychotherapy Forum as well.

Now, breathe!

And one of my constants in my life is that my path has been that percentile where something bad happens, out of the norm. For example, my colonoscopy was not easy at all, I suffered a spleen injury and wound up in ICU and in a situation where no one would tell me the truth because no one wanted to be sued, oh how awful that was. This is indicative of the cognitive distortion of "mind reading." By assuming no one would tell you the "truth" and that it was because they didn't want to be sued, you are saying you can read their mind. Not a good thing. You have no idea how and why each person acted the way they did etc. Really. Someone may have had a personal crisis, another may just be incompetent in decision making...etc.

Ok, here is an example of how I am misunderstood. I did everything but mind read in this experience with the damage to my spleen during the colonoscopy. I couldn't drive and my sister took me to get all my records and then I when I could drive myself, I went and spoke to the partner of the doctor that did the procedure because I wanted the damage explained to me. That partner stared me in the eyes and insisted that I was in a car accident and the seat belt must have injured my spleen. He would not even admit that the spleen was damaged in the procedure.
I could not believe it, even when I told him that I had not been in a car accident all he said was the doctor that performed the procedure was a good man and that being injured was very rare etc. But he would not address the reality and I left him in tears.

And when I was in the hospital the attending surgen also would not discuss that my spleen was injured during a colonoscopy. I could not understand why I was jumping through hoops to just get the facts.

It wasn't until I finally insisted on visiting with my GP and even though he too did not want to discuss it, I actually made an appointment and pinned him down to seeing me. I brought my husband with me who just sat and said nothing and that is when my regular GP who was the one who referred me to the specialist that performed the procedure finally explained to me that the reason why I was left out in the cold and no one would talk about how the damage occured is simply because they were all afraid of being sued. So it had nothing to do with me mind reading, I never did any mind reading, I simply kept going until I pinned someone down to explain to me why I was not able to get anyone to explain to me what had happened.

So I didn't even get to a mind reading process. I had to learn why I was left out in the cold. And I found out even more when I happened across a young doctor who told me that now the insurance companies do not allow physicians to use any wordage like I am sorry etc, that can lead a patient to a lawsuite. So basically the physicians are very restricted and they don't like it, but they have to follow the rules of what they can say that are given to them by the insurance companies.

So this has nothing to do with me reading minds. I am not even reading minds now, I am infact facing a reality of my own attorneys errors. And I also am now more aware of the hoops that are laid out to skirt around liability for these errors.

It has nothing to do with reading anything into it, and everything to do with tr, ying to see my way through the hoops. I could not begin to mind read this stuff. And I did try to confur with an attorney to see if I could get help to actually find a way to have a doctor explain to me what happened and show me my damage and that attorney told me that I could not sue or do anything unless I had been perminently damaged, so even an attorney could not help me just gain access to a doctor that could explain to me what had happened. It was incredibly bizaar and nothing I could read into, it was nothing I was ever prepared to experience.

And to be honest, I feel like I have to somehow learn to be a mind reader and somehow see the hoops that I have no idea are in place.

And along with that, I have this PTSD and it has this symptom of catastrophizing and so that makes it challenging because when I finally do see the reality, that catastrophizing is more created than me just doing it. And thats what I am afraid of, I am afraid that the damage being done to my brain will finally just result in catastrophizing taking over. And I don't want to do that, and I certainly don't want to become that way. But to be honest, I can see how the brain can be so confused by real issues, no imagining, but real, that it can get to a point where everything becomes more than it is. And that is why I hang back and try to look at situations realisitically. I purposely put myself in check JD.

Open Eyes

It took me a while to actually find a therapist in my area that treats PTSD. And how I actually found him was through someone that my husband knows that works in a high area of psychology. And my husband had discussed with this person my bad experience in the psychward with the attending psychiatrist. Now, on the QT this person knew who this psychiatrist is and that he is not a good psychiatrist and I was in fact not treated correctly. Now, JD, hoops?, well finally I get the support for the truth that I had been trying to tell my husband and even the outpatient psychiatrist who would not change my records or even write in that he felt that the psyciatrist in the psychward was not correct or he felt different. It was so carefully worded, not for my benefit, but in a way to not create any liability. And after my final visit where I was trying to correct my records that psychiatrist looked me straight in the eyes and confirmed that I was in fact a very misunderstood person. I had all my records with me, even the appraisel for the horse, and it didn't do any good on paper.

The reality is, when a mistake is made now, it is almost impossible to get it corrected because of the liability issues now. And it has nothing to do with mind reading, and everything to do with learning a reality that really isn't fair. It is a reality that is controled by insurance companies that are making it harder and harder for anyone to present a claim. And the reality is, that this is the system now, everywhere and the truth is just hidden, it can't really come out, because it creates liability.

I have fallen into the hole like in Alice in Wonderland, but the reality is, even though I feel tall or small or confused. I am not mind reading or truely catastrophizing, I seeing the reality of all the road blocks that have been put in place to protect insurance companies from liabilty. And I do look for the truth, I finally hear it, but no one will come forward with it in any real way.

And even my new therapist that I finally found, in the third visit scheduled and appointment with me and it was a morning appointment, all he had open and I had said it would be hard for me but I did'nt want to miss an appointment. So I busted my hump to change my medication and make sure that I got up early and made that appointment and he forgot to write it in his book and I sat and waited for 20 minutes and finally knocked on his door and he was in with someone else and told me he never scheduled me that it must be my fault.

So I was really angry, I made an extra effort to make this appointment and arrange my whole day to get to him but he forgot to write me down. I had to wait until I sat in front of him and I called him on it. I basically told him that if he couldn't speak the truth he was not going to help me ever. So he realized what I was saying and he finally admitted that it was his error and what he did to me was not fair. So, there was no mind reading or catastrophizing there. And wether that was beneficial to me or not, I don't know because my own therapist did it, that blame it on me thing. So, he sees the reality, and he is careful now, but he still did it, he still played that game. So I had to call him on it and thankfully he saw he did hurt me and it was wrong. I suppose I should be grateful for that in some way, because he could have just been added to an already mindboggling list that I could have never or never did mind read into.

JD, it isn't just me, I am not mind reading, things I experienced were real and yes I had to jump through hoops to get to the truth. The reality is it is getting harder and harder to just get to the truth today in this world. It has become so acceptable to mind game now, that one has to really think differently. And yes, I do have PTSD and I struggle but I don't imagine, however, I have been through a lot. And what I have been through is real, I didn't imagine it, I couldn't have possibly imagined it. So, I am working more towards trying to learn how to accept this strange way things work now, and it isn't about the truth anymore. And much of my battle is learning how to identify different hoops and learn how to recognize they are there, even I feel is unfair, which it is, and I have to remain calm. I have to think very differently and I basically am an honest person and what is, is for me, but the outside world isn't that simple anymore. I am having a hard time accepting that. I don't know how to be a mind reader and say, ok, here is the truth, and here is what is going to be twisted and how it is run that way and how I have to be prepared for that everywhere I proceed now. And that is what gets me, I don't actually think like that, I have to learn to think out of the box like that.

And the things that you have faced as you talk about learning the system, well that is the way it is. I don't know that, I am learning it the hard way, and I am not mind reading, or catastrophizing it, but it is upsetting and mind boggeling as you admit yourself.

I guess that at least I can come to PC and have someone like the Byz say, hey Open Eyes your right, your not being handled right. And with the PTSD I have I actually need to hear that so I don't get worse JD. What I see is that if I can't find the reality and a base, I will get worse, I will suffer to the point where I will catastrophize. And that is why I spend time and let things out here because I am really trying to save my sanity. I am supposed to be smart, but I have to learn how these new lies or hoops work and look at things differently even though I feel it is wrong. There is a lot of wrong going on now, and it is mind boggling.

Open Eyes

I understand your determination to go after your neighbor......I even before I experienced a PTSD situation fought against what I knew wasn't right.....however, I didn't win either. Went after a Workman's comp case against the company I was working for....several years with one lawyer & then he got sick (heart issues) & passed me off to an incompetent workman's comp lawyer & more years of depositions that would get cancelled & every time I ended up in the psych hospital with ungodly medical expenses......& I lost the case anyway. Then another case was against the guy who sold me the mare....told me that he didn't bring the papers with the horse when he delivered her....also had said that she had never been bred....I lost 5 foals with that mare & oh, she never had papers. Had a lawyer that would represent me, but I also had to do all the work....but he didn't tell me that upfront either.....we ended up taking it to mediation & I managed to loose that one....added to the expensive useless mare I ended up owning & the lower cost lawyer. Have had a bad experience. Guess that is why I am so hesitant to go after the painter that ripped me off when I moved here......& then the guy that installed my new heat pump was judgment proof in the first place....so I never bothered to go after him after talking with the lawyer that I had do all the paperwork for the LLC of my farm......I still have the a year to talk with a lawyer & see if there it will be worth going after the painter, but right now I have NO MONEY. I can't even get the guy to pay me from my small claims judgment....& the second criminal pre-trial conference (I am using the county attorney for this so there is no cost....or at least they haven't said there is) is November 3 which gave him an extra 30 days to come up with the money.....then I guess if it doesn't they will schedule the trial at the next hearing (?). I have had such bad look of getting anything even when I do win that it's not done anything for my emotions. I still believe that it's important for people to stand behind their actions & if they aren't willing to on their own.....I have always felt it was important to go after them & hold them responsible......so I really understand where your emotions are driving you.

I think the Byz has offered you some very wonderful information on how to proceed with your case......it just sounds like the lawyer you have is milking you for your money getting more for his retirement & not producing anything in favor of you. I would be as unhappy with your lawyer as I would be with your neighbor. Taking your money & not giving you decent representation is unacceptable. I don't know if he thinks the case can't be won or what.....but that should have been an upfront comment on his part when he took on the case. Yes, one never really knows, but the thing is after so many years of experience, they have a feeling for it & the other lawyers not wanting to take the case tends to make me think that it might not be a case even though it stands in court.....many lawyers have told me in certain circumstances that a case isn't worth the time they have to put into it for the money that can be collected. It doesn't sound like that's the case in your situation however.

I agree with JD......it's important to just deal with the facts in your situation, the reality of the case.....& leave the emotions on the sideline. Easier said than done, but I know when you don't, it tends to mess up the case more than help. Know it was hard for me with the Workman's comp case because I was emotionally where I was because of what happened.......& it was the reason for the case.......I know that might be added into your case....but you have so much factual things going on that need to be focused on that the case is based on. Think stepping back & taking the whole thing into perspective might be a good thing to do at this time....that doesn't mean giving up....it means regrooping & figuring out what strategy you need to proceed with because it's obvious, the way you are going right now seems to be heading you for a complete meltdown & what good would you be to the law suit if that were to happen.....you would only end up being forced to give up because you couldn't proceed.

I know that the opposing party usually likes to mess the whole thing up so that it's hard to focus & make everything perfectly clear......seems that right now it's all a can of worms that needs to be sorted out & the lawyer you are dealing with needs to be up front & honest with you in the direction he's proceeding so that you can determine if he's even capable of representing you.....which IMO from the sounds of what you have written, HE IS NOT.

Think the information that the Byz has presented to you needs your looking into. Stop spinning your wheels with the PTSD stuff & the CSA....yes, it has an effect on you, but you need to be in control in situations like this & you are letting that stuff get in your way also. If you really want to proceed, you also need to take a break & get yourself together. Think your T probably senses that your lack of control is building up more & more & that's why he has suggested you throw it out for other input.....which was very wise on his part.......but your focus needs to be on the facts of the law suit......sometimes we just have to put the other crap that has happened in our life on the side line while we focus on what we really need to focus on. It's not easy, but it needs to be done if you really want to successfully proceed with this law suit IMO.

I understand your emotions & yes, they are valid feeling, but there comes a point where emotions need to be reined in & brough under control just like you would with a horse that gets out of control....one either reines them under control or one bales off the horse to keep from getting further hurt in the long run. We have to do the same with ourselves at times also. Don't know if you have done any DBT work, but the wise mind where you look at the whole picture (not just your side), look at your emotions & look at your rational mind & come up with the appropriate plan to proceed. Distress tolerance also helps when the distress becomes so great. Even a small vacation or at least distincing one's self from the problem for awhile so that you can come back & see it more clearly to give your emotions on this a break. I don't know, but it seems like the defence will try to take the most advantage of your emotional state in order to cause you to loose.....which is always what their purpose is in the first place....but when you give them something to take advantage of.....THEY WILL & they are usually trained to sense & take advantage of anything they can.

I can really feel for the situation you are in & I know that I would be standing up against a neighbor that did what your neighbor did & is doing to you.....for starters, can you get a restraining order on him & his animals (lol....never heard of a restraining order on animals....but who knows?).....know it's not the terms that one wants to have with their neighbor & I am sorry that this is happening......sadly, seems that all too ofter things like this do happen. I know how much it hurts to loose a member of our family & I know my animals are not just animals.....they are MY FAMILY.....but in your case they are your business & it's the business side of it that you HAVE TO FOCUS ON.....& stay focused on. You can let your emotions back in the picture when you have completed your task of winning the law suit. The thing is that whether we allow our emotions to get in the way is really only under our own control & even with PTSD or CSA, we can recognize that our emotions come from that....acknowledge that they are what they are & then get DOWN TO BUSINESS & let your rational mind be in control. It takes focus & determination.....but the need is there & sometimes we just have to do what we need to do....then fall apart later after we have completed what we need to complete.

Sending you 's & my understanding & a lot of strength....look to God for your strength & direction.....that guidance will never fail.

((((Wolfsong)))))

I am so sorry that you have run into so many people that have clearly taken advantage of you. I have a friend that has that luck as well. And I am not going to be that kind of person. My friend paid $6,000 for replacement windows that were never installed and the builder told her that company just folded and he is out or should I say they are out.
Oh she had been manipulated, I am sure that the builder paid his bills with her money and is stringing her along.

But I am not going to fold under all this. I know about your kind of experience with that mare and how you were taken, that was wrong but that is the horse business and you have learned that, yes there are so many lies in that area. I have seen it and I have been very careful and I don't believe any horse dealer or person who is selling any horse.
Oh no, I have seen how these people opperate that area I am aware of. I have not been aware of the legal area of mishaps and I am learning. I see it now, and yes the Byz is helping me and I understand that my CSA and all that doesn't not have anything to do with my case. However, it did come forward with my case of PTSD and caught me off guard. I was not prepared for that and I didn't have the right therapy for that, took me time to get therapy and I also came to PC to try to understand that.

Ok, I see it, I see how it came forward and in the last two days after much thought and even this thread I am realizing some important things that I needed to know. I have been working very hard to pull my brain through all this, and it has been extremely hard to understand. I think I get it now, thanks to all the support and the messages that have put me in check and brought me to a more realistic mindset.

I actually called my attorney a few minutes ago and I put him in check. He filed my suit with the wrong information that I finally caught and he noted in the last deposition.
But I asked him today if he ever changed that in the original complaint that he filed that was wrong. Ah ha, he has to look at that now, and I am not going to stop bugging him to correct that. In fact I just decided that tomarrow I am going to call him and ask him that when he does make sure that is corrected and filed right, I wan't a copy of that correction. And maybe I will put that into writing, thinking about that letter that I think needs to get written now as JD suggested.

Today I also asked him if he has contacted the opposing side and he said he is waiting for them to contact him. And I asked him about the necessity for their discovery to be done before a court date is set. Well, today I learned that the court decides the date and wether or not their discovery is done doesn't matter. Hmmm, this is not what he told me before. So I asked him how long does the court take to set a date and he said it is usually a year out and I asked him, well considering how long it has been since this was filed when is the court going to decide or has it set a date? Guess what, he could not answer, he said he had to check my file, can you imagine, there could be a court date set and he doesn't even know that? And then I said well maybe I could call the court and he replied, if you do I will break your neck, and my reply to him was, you don't have to break my neck if you do it. I don't think he liked the new me, do you? I kinda think I woke him up.

I have to learn something new, and the one thing I know, is I am not going to just go away. Ok, I have to push forward, I am not afraid anymore. I needed this thread, it woke me up somehow. I still havent got the right tone for that letter, but I want to mention the several dates of depositions that were scheduled that I did not know about and the ongoing issue that is continuing to present a problem with actually acheiving the accomplishment of getting that deposition done. I am going to make sure that he knows that I am waking up to his mistakes.

Open Eyes

And maybe there lies the crux of the matter: being able to learn to separate out the reactions of the PTSD, and deal totally with the truth. Also, to realize the truth but not take it personally, but use the anger or other emotions to attack the problem, and not yourself.

Yes, you have been through some really tough stuff!
Yes, the going is still tough.
No, it isn't fair.
No, it isn't going to be fully fair in the end.

It's the PTSD that insists on the high level of "fairness."
There is a lot of wrong in the whole world, and each person's life. We cannot correct hardly any of it.

Keep talking... I think you're doing good relating.

Yes, I learned the hard way about the legal system as well, and still am in the "unfairness" thinking, but alas because of someone constantly reminding me it IS the system, I can pull myself back out of it --personally--and attack the system through it's own channels.

When I state things "simply" it's to try and help you find your "base" your foundational layers upon which to build. If you can solicit your husband's help, it will be easier to do, but it's still all doable.

The security of the property needs to be done either solely by your spouse, or together with you. Feeling it's all your responsibility is not correct. Discuss this and make sure that he helps make it safe TO YOUR LEVEL of need. See if he can realize that he can take this off your plate, and if he does so, your stress level will reduce.

Get your daughter or someone to attack the lawyer issue. I gave you some options, but I know it's too much to follow up on by yourself... but this is a key element in your frustration, and the ongoing delays and denials (which IS the system, btw) can be addressed so at least they know YOU know the game now. Ask the lawyer what you should do now, maybe?

Trust your T in that what he says is truth, whether your PTSD lets you believe he understands or not. You do recognize abusive people, but you still reel out of control (no) thanks to the PTSD)).

I don't know if relating some of my current issues will help you... if so read on.
I have NEVER had a hearing before the judge. I'm allowed to since 6 months of injury. Because of that denial (lack of doing by my attorney from the get go) I was on temporary total disability a few YEARS more than I should have been before moving to PERMANENT total...costing me thousands of lost income... that was to begin with. After 25 years I have still not had a hearing. I thought this year would be it, as ONE of the issues was settled in a past mediation, signed sealed and approved by the court...the paying of my dental doctor...and they still have not paid him. Contempt of court to begin with...but go before the judge to get it done... nope. The hearing that was scheduled is no longer. I have no answers as to why, and my PTSD has me too upset to be assertive right now (instead of aggressive) and I have no one to do this for me, so it waits. And so does my DMD (yet he is good for he continues to treat me inspite of being owed thousands.) Deny or delay what they know they will have to pay... the system.

I understand fully. I will continue to work with you through this as long as I can... I received kudoes from my own psychologist for my perseverance in this thread and for my good replies and advice to you... so in a way, you are getting "professional" help anyway!

Take care O E and breathe... I care.

I posted while you were replying.

EXCELLENT!!!

Now, try to hold on to the feeling you have right now... of accomplishment, of moving things forward. This is the sense that will help you battle through those feelings that PTSD gives you of despair and that you can't muddle through and get anything done.

Good going! baby steps... you're doing good!

Yes JD, your right, I see it, I see the PTSD and how it blocks progress. I am glad I did this thread after all. You have really helped me, and I can tell that I have to hang on to this accomplishment today. I see what you mean about the PTSD making it hard, that is just how it has been and I really didn't get that from my therapist though. I wish he was that on track, but he isn't. It is actually his off track that has corrected my track and helped me if that makes any sense. I think I just needed to know that I am right in my suspicion of my attorney not being right. My therapist didn't get that at all. No this thread helped me see that. It was not that I didn't want to take action against my attorney, it is that I need to know where he is messing up. I am starting to see that now. I started to focus on that when I read over my copy of the depositions that he finally sent me.

My big problem is that my brain was shutting down, and I couldn't look at the damage.
And I was afraid to read my deposition because I flashed back at the end of it. I have just been afraid of my brain shutting down like it did and I couldn't work that day. I have to function and I can't have that happen. I think I am figuring that out, at least I hope so, I think the more I learn about how this process works and where my attorney is messing up I will fell better about where I see a path to fight back.

Yes, JD, I see exactly what your saying about the PTSD, I just had to be more consciously aware of it.

Thanks for your help, I am getting what you mean. It is hard, but it really isn't my therapist that is getting me there it is coming here and thinking and learning that has basically covered years of what a therapist could accomplish on one session a week.

Open Eyes

Thank you for your kind words (((O E)))

Now... already though I see a problem because you say "I just have to be more consciously aware" and let me remind you (remind because I know you know..) PTSD doesn't let us do that! I mean, when it really matters... it's tough to be aware when we need to be because of the chemical dump or whatever occurs when we are stressed... grrrr

It is not until someone takes us aside or we "stand up" like you suggested... and back away... and calm ourselves, breathe... that we find what we lost while sitting at the desk and it was there in front of us the whole time but the PTSD and stress reaction prevented us from seeing it! for instance.

Remember that Chinese finger puzzle. The harder we try to make it through being triggered... the less we accomplish and the more stressed we become. We simply MUST back away, breathe, stop pushing, pulling or whatever it is... and then voila' we get a break in the action.

While you have this clarity... maybe make a list of things or write the reminder notes to the attorney... to send when you need to rattle his cage when you are stressed but won't feel up to it... and put it in your attorney file so you can just whip it out and mail it... or make a list of things you know NOW that needs to be done in a follow up.. .but won't be able to think about later on when stressed....

Sigh. Such a beast of a disorder.

Ok, yes, I know what you mean about the chemical dump or whatever happens to prevent us from that clarity. I can actually see now how I get clarity for a while and then something happens just as your discribing and the brain just isn't where we need it to be, yes it is a beast. I see what your saying about standing back when that happens.
Oh, it is so nice when someone actually recognizes that because I have tried to explain that to my husband. I have been trying to tell him how he has to let me stand back and calm down and he doesn't get it, he just pushes me to the point where whatever happens, that chemical dump occurs and then I cannot function. Just your telling me that, really means a lot because I have been trying to tell my husband that. And to be honest, the fact that I actually called the attorney today and spoke to him the way I did without that chemical dump or whatever happening, that was the first time I have been able to do that. Oh I just want to be that person that could do that before all of this, will I ever be her again? I was so strong, I don't like this PTSD and how it challenges and presents such a struggle.

Gee I am glad you turned the corner JD and your helping me now, I would be lost without that, honestly. It is really scary to be alone with this, it really is. See how you can help? I am sorry you have this disorder too, I know you struggle, I know those lows and how it can present terrible thoughts. I have to fight that too and it is so hard to understand, it would be impossible without a voice that says me too and hang in there and try this etc.

Open Eyes

I'm glad that your positive side keeps forging ahead. Despite so much that had to be waded through, you haven't given up.

Well, saw my T today and I didn't have such a good session. First he was running late I didn't get in to see him until fifteen minutes after the set time. Then we did talk about my attorney situation and he was supportive but ofcourse had not real answers. I also talked about his question that started this thread and I explained that I usually do know sooner than others that something is not right and if anything by the time I convince others, I am in the thick of it and the others just expect me to be the one to fix it.

I was actually disappointed with my therapist because he stopped the session at about 8 before the hour so basically he ran the session 20 minutes short. I pointed out that we had started late and he pretended that he didn't know and was kinda pushing me to move on. I would have prefered if he had been honest and admitted that he started late. No, he played that game that I don't like, and I can see that game a mile away. Oh the game where someone is well aware they are shorting me and behind and they smooze it over playing that it must be me. I really feel that in therapy,especially with someone like me who really is trying very hard to keep track of time and making the extra effort to get to my appointment on time so I can get as much time to let my emotional week out. With PTSD the person who has it is very aware that PTSD has a side of it where keeping track of time can be problematic. Oh I am aware of that and that being an issue I am always trying to make extra effort to track time. So a therapist who knows about PTSD and the time issue, should not play that game, it is a definite trigger. I know your going to suggest saying something, I did and he just kept playing the game I don't like. And that is not my imagination, and I am not mind reading, there are definte signs that kind of game is taking place, I know it well.

Why cant people just be honest? Is it really all that hard to repect the other person?
My T already knows I don't like that game and I really feel it is very disrespectful. It just really sours everything for me. Oh and he left me with a question, how can he help me change things. I tried to tell him that I have to talk things out and understand how the PTSD is really effecting me before I can make any changes. Maybe I should reply, yeah, how do we change my attorney playing me and my T playing that little I hadn't noticed game when I saw him looking at the start time T's are always living by time. Isn't it funny, so are attorneys. And me? I am stuck in a time warp of the mistakes of others. Change? Oh, I want to change that lie game.

I visited my mother on Sunday and I noticed that she has a garbled noise to her breathing. I just called my neice and left a quick message that I had a simple question (my neice has been appointed to taking care of my mother and confers with her mother, my bossy sister) and so I came home to a message on my machine of my sister with her ongoing condescending bossyness that I am very familiar with. I have'nt talked to my sister for a long time because she was in control of my mother and playing doctor and assuming too much and I could not play along, and with my sister, if you don't play her way, you don't play and you get a long lecture. Oh that goes way back to my childhood and I did play her game for many years, until it came to my mother's health and I couldnt play my sisters game, it wasn't right for my mom. So now I am left out of the loop of knowledge about what is really going on with my mother and what medication she is on to a certain extent. Oh I have to go to the queen herself for that.

Just listening to that long condescending message gave me a bad chemical dump. And I just cant deal with her, oh it is ok for her to interact with my child behind my back, but I can't ask her daughter a simple question without a big production or lecture. I am not going to play their game. But the problem is, I would like to know more about what is going on with my mother. Oh, it is so complicated I can't even begin posting it all here. And I haven't even talked about that part of my life here, not nice either, goes way back.

I am trying to figure out my next step to get my lawsuit on track somehow. It would have been more productive had I made a trip into the courthouse to ask questions, than seeing my T. I am not sure this T is going to be able to help me much further, I don't think he knows either. He is not a really strong person and sometimes he really looks sleepy and I am not always sure he pays attention. I am not sure he is real capable T, I do know he battles depression and I am not sure he is always really with it. I don't know what I am going to do. I never seem to find that really strong presence that just knows and does. I seem to be picking up the psychological pieces of others. For example my lawyer, he definitely has something going on, he just isn't all there either. Ugh, I am tired of picking up after others, I really am. And that is not imagined either, unfortunately, that is a reality.

Open Eyes

It saddens me that due to my input here you now seem to be feeling you have to "verify" that it isn't fake, mind reading, but is real (whatever you're posting about.) A big part of what feeds PTSD is the cognitive distortions, so please don't file everything as one way or another. Evaluate and move on.

Whew, well I had gone through the issues with my mom and family grrrr and it still hasn't completely settled even now 2 1/2 years after her passing. What I will say is that if you aren't getting the answers you like from the health surrogate, then call your mom's doctor's office. Be sure to keep your voice and comments as neutral and concerned about your mom as you can, and not against anyone or anything. Write it out first if you must, so you have it in the future when you are accused of something else.
Yeah, I know family.

I would hope that you could stop yourself from feeling that your efforts could always be used better elsewhere wherever things don't work out to your expectations. I know it's tough when T doesn't give us the time (esp paid for)... and whether he makes it up later by giving you long time or not doesn't excuse his lack of "bedside manner." Alas few people have doctors like mine who are the total package.

Anyway, you can't be sure that spending that time at the courthouse would have been productive at all, and you may have regretted missing the Ts appt, you know?

I guess what I'm saying is watch out for the non sequiturs in your life. They abound everywhere in mine, like a minefield...and there just ain't no use "going there" when it doesn't add to my health.

Do you give yourself a day off each week, to NOT work on this garbage? hehehe not that healing is garbage, but you gotta take a break.

Oh JD, I see what your saying. Oh I long for time off but I don't really get it, I am clearly overwhelmed and now after talking to my attorney, I can see the mistakes and I really am at a loss. I just wish there was somebody I could talk to without making trouble so I can see where he has made the errors and get a grasp of what I can do that will be the least damaging to my case. I can't believe that he was telling me that the opposing sides discovery had to be done before a court date could be set and now he is telling me the complete opposite. I just don't get this guy at all. And I am trying to find my way. Yes, I should be getting a new attorney somehow, but now I can see that my filing isn't right and the way it is written, no wonder any attorney wouldn't want to take on the case. And I don't know if they file the depositions where my attorney admitted that he made a mistake and it wasn't a dog barking that caused the damage but a dog actually running laps around my horses and scaring them into a wild frenzy. And then when I asked him about the court setting a date he didn't know and then I asked him if it might already be set and he didn't know, he had to check my file and see. What on earth?

Hey I am trying to pace myself but I am overwhelmed. And as far as me calling my mother's doctor? Oh I tried that a long time ago and that really created a bomb to go off. And I don't even have the name of my mother's doctor. Any time I get near asking questions, my sister blocks it and she can be so incredibly condesending and controling and she wont let me stand up to her, she just hangs up on me. From being at PC for so long I have recognized that my sister has Social Phobia and I just happened to look it up and read about it and it describes my sister to a T. And my sister can be mean when she wants to as well. Actually my mom gets annoyed with her and even fears her a bit.

I feel so helpless when it comes to that situation because my sister is saying I am crazy.
Oh, she really planted some bad seeds while I was in the psychward. My sister is a know it all and she was convinced my mother had demencia. I used to let my sister have her way all my life and I couldn't do that when it came to my mom. Unfortunately, my sister has won in her control over that. And I have not been able to fight that fight because I truely can't be around her, she triggered me to flash back in front of my mom, and I could not even talk. Oh it was devestating to me because all that did was to serve my sister's opinion that I am crazy.

I wish my sister could visit my therapist so he could set her straight, but she would not want to give up her weld of power. I just was not prepared for that long condescending message on my answering machine from her. I was literally flooded with chemicals from that and that is exhausting. I am trying so hard JD and I even drove around today trying to find hay for the winter and I am getting nervous because this was a bad year for hay.

It is as if everything is just a mountain and I have been trying to remain calm and take it one day at a time. But I don't really get a day off, I have to care for my animals and I am constantly running for hay and trying, and trying to make money and my season is just running out. This weekend they are predicting a storm and I need it to be good weather, it was until the weather forecast tonite. Right now it is not set, it could go out to sea. I usually try to ignore the weather early in the week, but I had to see it to see if I could leave them out tonite.

I am also working on trying to sell my Mustang too. I love him and I don't want to sell him but I really need money for the winter. My daughter has called a trainer and there may be someone interested so I have to wait and see. I am trying to just be as rational as I can, and I guess as long as he goes to the right owner and gets an opportunity to shine his talent, I will have to put my faith in God for that. I pray all the time, I am trying, and I am just trying to do one day at a time.

And I have to admit that I don't like the fact that my attorney has my medical records that are so wrong. It is like he has some of my history that is so very private, I don't like it JD, and the whole thing creeps me out. I want to go back to that psychiatrist and therapist who misdiagnosed me and correct their wrongs. I don't like that I can't do that.

When I took my dogs for a walk this morning I just stood there thinking, my God, what a mess my neighbors negligence made of every part of my life, everywhere I look. I see it from the first minute I get up in the morning and I am so emursed everywhere I look.
I am trying very hard to push in the right direction and this PTSD does get in my way, oh God I have been trying so hard. And I DO have to fight, I look at every nook and crany and I have to push through this. My husband is just not smart enough to do it, I am it, I am always it JD. I am not catastophizing this, even my therapist sees it and he is overwhelmed because he cant help me. He cant take away what is real and he just cant wrap his brain around the crap I have been through. He definitely believes me, he just cant believe I have been through so much hell. I can see his frustration. It isn't about dealing with the past, he see's that I have to deal with too much now and he knows that it isn't fair to me either. And I am not sure having a male therapist is the best because men are fixers and I truely think he is overwhelmed by me and what I am stuck in and I think I tire him out because he can't grab onto anything either.

My therapist is not a strong man, as I said he deals with depression so I don't think I am very good patient for him as I am really dealing with things are exhausting. I am not just a patient that is dealing with a past PTSD, I do have some ongoing things that leave him speachless. He feels that my case should be won, and he feels that the opposing side will probably do the norm which is wait until just before the court date and see if they can settle for 1/3 of the sum. And when he said that today, well thats not really fair either. Oh, I really hate this system JD. I definitely fell down a hole and I am in Alice in wonderland.

Ugh, one day at a time, today was not so great.

Open Eyes

Where do I put this anger? I am sitting here trying to relax and watch TV and that table is full of bills lined up, all created from my neighbor. And that is all I have been doing is trying to pay that minimum and day off? NO I have to concentrate on the due dates of all these different bills, charges I made to try to have the animals tended by different vets. And every job I do it for that and usually this time of year I am ready for winter and my hay loft is full and I have money in my account. And even though the economy has been bad, I can't do all the jobs I used to do but I have to turn business away because of the loss, and I could have filled a lesson program. And when I pay my therapist, I try to reason it's for my sanity and in the back of my mind, I add it up and that could pay some bills that keep coming in from my neighbors negligence. So many medical bills left in my lap, cripples I tend every day.

I am not going to make it through the winter, I can see the writing on the walls. I wont be able to keep up with those bills from my neighbor, maybe if I sell my lovely Mustang.
Oh I am tired of this but I can't be that now can I , have to keep on hoping right?

I wake up some days and I really want to have it all be a bad dream you know? I can't believe all of this and the stupid attorney. And I watch my neighbors come through that right of way and they are constantly in my face, and I have try to what ignore? I passed them on my way to my therapist, and I often pass them on the road out to work or home from work. I keep telling myself well, they have to see me be reminded that I am there and they know they were negligent, they do know that. But they have been living thier lives the past for years, I have been spending mine trying to pick up so many pieces everywhere I look.

Open Eyes

I don't know how anyone deals with real tragedy. I have never had anything horribly traumatic happen to me. It appalls me that such things can happen, and do happen, and will continue to happen. We hope that we live in a country where there is a well-functioning justice system that rights wrongs. That has never been completely true, and I don't believe it ever will be, here, or anywhere in this world.

Your love of your stock is what I think causes you the most pain. You can't just have a "Fire Sale" and close down, like other businesses do, then reopen again somewhere else, under a different name. You built your reputation as a trainer, so your name counts. Where you conduct your business is also your home. If I understand rightly, you and your animals live on the same property. They probably sleep not far outside the window of the room in which you sleep. An animal farm is something special. You can't just close it up, like a retail store. Farms do get lost. American law used to care about providing special protection against that. I think that's been weakened over time and benefits the rich land owners more than anyone. Can't say I know all that much about life in rural America, being a city girl, all my life.

I'm just extending condolences, which don't pay any bill, but they are heartfelt. There is so much heartlessness about animal treatment, that it is important to encourage anyone who cares for the welfare of their animals. You seem to be doing that to a point that is hurting you financially. That's why your farm is not merely a business, where a businessman could make decisions based mostly just on bottom line.

You are facing and will continue to face hard decisions. A fair legal decision could alleviate some of that, but that seems to be awfully slow in coming. Even a city girl knows that "Time is Money." A hungry horse can't eat an I.O.U. May you have the strength to do the best you can, and the even greater strength to accept that sometimes tragedy does not get compensated for and that has to be born by the human heart as best as possible. No court ordered compensation mitigates the pain the animals have endured. You may not get a fair judgement. Bad people do get away with wrong sometimes, or they get away with it for too long before they get stopped.

I didn't mean to get all dismal on you. Surely that won't help. I'm just sorry for all this serious trouble you have. I don't say I'm any example of the following, but what awful harm people survive is truly incredible. You have survived very hard things. I hope something brings you joy tomorrow, and lets you live in that moment, with your cares put aside for awhile.

Thanks Rose,
I know that there is not too much anyone can really say. I just needed to put the anger somewhere. I don't know how or what to do with it anymore. It seems like we cannot pretend it isn't there because it is there, and I guess that would be holding it in someway, maybe that is what I did before, but just didn't realize it. I tried to forgive in my past and I had no idea that I was only storing things that were going to come out with all of this, that really is a puzzle to me, never thought that would happen.

From what I can tell, the things that come forward are things I never really resolved or had real closure to. I cant just lay down on this, I can see that because that would just add to the list of nonclosure emotions in my brain. I would like to meet with the psychiatrist and therapist and go over my records for closure. And if I had met the opposing attorney under other circumstances we would probably like each other and if I was able to tell her how much this has really hurt me and why I chose not to include the mental stress, she would probably feel bad, she doesn't strike me as a bad person, however her job is for the insurance company and finding a way not to pay. I wouldn't be good at that job, not if I felt the claim was justified.

It is hard to play this game and not just say what I feel, what is the truth and how much it had cost me and is still costing me. This system is so black and white and doesn't have emotions to it.

I don't know why this was laid at my feet, what I am supposed to learn from this, I try to think of the positive, kinda hard to do when I look at the animals that just look so different now, lost all the muscle because they cant do much, not the happy healthy animals I had before all of this. I am not that kind of person who just looks at them as things or dollar signs, they really meant a lot more to my life than just a job, but that is not included in this case.

I have to work the Mustang to get him ready to show, thats going to make me get attached to him more, oh he loves me and trusts me, I am not good with this. They don't really understand you know. He knows that I helped him because he was so thin when I got him and frightened and his teeth hurt. I just loved him, and thats what he likes. I just hope that when that person comes to see him I will see someone that I really feel will be a good mommy to him, he is the kind that likes to have a mommy and be cuddled. My husband worked him today and told me how good he was and then followed him around like a puppy in the ring with no lead, thats my boy, hes a good horse. It was my dream to keep him and have him trained under my control to reach his full potential, but I know thats not an option now. It just once I sell them I have no control over what happens to them and I know they get upset and dont understand. Mustangs are very loyal and smarter than the average horse, they are the iberian horses that run free in the wild. I never thought I would own such a beautiful black beautiful spanish looking horse with big black eyes that are the kindest eyes I have ever looked into.

I am tired and I just gotta dig real deep and find my way past all of this. I just wish it didn't have to take so long.

Thanks Rose for caring, means a lot because I really don't have anyone to talk about this with, just here really.

Open Eyes

I think a lot of what is going on is being caused by the confusion or refusal to acknowledge that there is a great gap that lies between the SPIRIT of the law and the LETTER of the law; both of which involve lawyers that have bought into the idea that egos and credentials have replaced a sincere practice of the law by a lack of truly moral application of the letter of the law. Guilt or innocence is not the question that many lawyers use to guide their practice. They seem to think that they must be amoral to survive the challenges the practice of law presents to them at every turn. I'm sure many lawyers actually search for truth and justice and what the rewards for practicing the must and should. I think the burden would be impossible for me to bear. I have a profound dislike for the phrase that comes up so often that says, 'The system works and it is the best we can do. The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth is something that is demanded by the court and serves as a means by which a person can hope that justice serves us all if we tell the truth. I have been advised by a lawyer to just keep my mouth shut and ask for the best deal I could. The end result was astonishingly the only way to save me leaving me to wonder why a lawyer would offer this advice to a client involved in a case that had nothing by way of evidence, witnesses and corroborating testimony for the prosecutors witnesses. I fired my lawyer and stood before the court and admitted my guilt and got a much better deal that anyone could have ever offered me. Six months later I was free. Go figure!

Well, if I had enough knowledge I would do this myself. It wouldn't be the first time I have had to take the bull by the horns and do things myself. I am actually better off that in the beginning it took time because I would not have faired well as I was too traumatized and it took me a while to be able to just look at it and try to calmly put it all together. It took time for me to be able to have the capacity to allow myself to recognize how badly damaged so many of them really were, it just took a while to believe that it was really that bad. I don't know how to explain it but I had so many injured in different ways that it just kept coming and it was hard to see how bad it really was. It is not like anything I ever would have thought about happening, it was beyond me.

I still look at it all and I can't believe all the different kinds of injuries that this presented in the different horses and ponies. And I truely could not wrap my brain around it. But I did slowly put it all together and after I did that, I still couldnt believe how bad it really was. And as I was putting it all together and trying be brave, I was also losing business and watching that fall apart too. I made sure that I looked at all the time line and I had to get a mindset that was somehow able to put aside the emotional response by putting it all together. And it was so hard to control the anger too.

In therapy I filled the room and I was letting out so much, so very much that I know I overwhelmed my therapist. And I realized that I somehow need to repeat it all in a way that lets it out and it is a constant question, can you believe this and that and this and this and that was bad too and oh that was really bad and oh look at all of this. Yesterday in therapy my therapist asked me if he was helping me and he wanted me to think about how he could help make a change. And I didn't like that because I haven't been ready for that or it processed in my brain as a yes I hear you but you have to hold it in and change. And when I go see him I need that time to talk and let things out, put it out there so I can have him see it all with me and the problem is that I am in this situation with my lawyer that is adding to the look at this I can't believe this and that along with I am trying to process that and yet something bad is happening now too.

I have been searching for a break, it seems to be something that is a constant and it isn't about a vacation or a day off. It is my brain saying enough adding, resolve please? I am actually being traumatized by my attorney and his foils and I am once again on the line of disbelief and trying to get my brain to see this too. And along with this I am seeing the bills and animals and still in it in every way. So it has become a constant add this and this and this. And at the same time my brain is trying to step back and grasp it all. It is so much for Open Eyes to fix and handle and Open Eyes is trying really hard and Open Eyes needs to have some kind of presense that will give her a break, but it just isn't there. In other words it just keeps coming and I can't run or hide or break from it. And now just sitting back and trying to process my attorneys mistakes as well, I can't believe it, it is a bit much to be honest.

When I think about the PTSD and all the aspect of it that I am trying to learn and the fact that I have to address this reality, I am doing double time or actually tripple time.
And the more I see it is very hard because all that time that I was just trying to find a way to process all the damage that really continues, more damage was being presented by my attorney. So I have been trying to now look at something new and to be honest I have to again somehow wrap my brain around this to a point that says yeah this is bad too, it is not imagination, it is not anything you were prepared for or could have imagined, someone else is taking an already bad ongoing event and making it worse.
And I am not catastrophizing it, it is real. I almost wish I was imagining it and there was that person that comes forward and says, its not what you think. But thats not happening, it not even that suspicion, it is actually going back again and tracking something else bad that was also happening while I was trying to wrap my brain around all of it. And what that does is add to the feeling of being violated over and over and not even getting a chance to just process and recover.

It is really creepy to be honest. It is a kind of feeling that I could not trust anyone to be responsible and all I do is pick up pieces. My brain is tired of that, it needs to find a way to stop the damage from continuing. And I have to find a way to do this even though I have crippling PTSD. And I am stuck in spot of being frightened and trying to see a path and trying to keep myself together. It is very hard, very challenging.

Now, one would think that this is the PTSD talking. But lets just think about the fact that the year before all this happened I had a colonoscopy where I got injured and had to experience something I never imagined, so many doctors leaving me hanging, that was hard to process in itself. And that is not imagined and not catastrophized, it was unfortunately very real. And the year that I was going to experience something even worse with my neighbor, I was starting off that year just trying to put that whole colonoscopy thing in its place, and it was such a process where I was really caught off guard, but I had decided that, ok, done move forward.

And then I had to endure seeing everything I had worked for destroyed beyond anything I could comprehend. And I wound in a psychward that presented a whole set of mishaps itself. And the different therapists and psychiatrists that also made mistakes. And then I am trying to put even that into perspective and I find a therapist and start seeing him so I can figure out what this PTSD is and the next thing I know I am listening to a man who tells me he is a recovering heroin addict, has narcissistic tendencies and he is behind the scale for maturity. Ok, common. I don't even know if this guy is really credentialed because he also told me he was a habitual lier. And I could not get him to write a letter to my GP so I could get my perscription for clonazapam refilled without having to go to a nurse practioner that would charge me $150 just to give me six months worth of refills. And my GP looks at these records that are wrong and I am trying to tell him they are wrong and he thinks I am crazy. And it is crazy, it is a mess, it really is.

And I am trying to trust a new therapist and honestly, I sit across from him and his eyes are so tired and he is battling depression and I honestly don't know what to think. And I am trying to give him the benefit of doubt. And I have an attorney that has something wrong with him, and I AM NOT IMAGINING ANY OF THIS. Ok, something has to give here, honestly. And anyone would think that I am the crazy one, because how could all of this be taking place? I am not imagining any of this, what I am wondering is where is that person or entity that is going to see it too? I am not catastrophizing anything, I don't even get a chance to think about that, because I have to figure out what to do next. And I have to find a way to somehow disengage the chemical dumps from the PTSD that are a result of a reality that I just, well, where is the clarity going to present itself, that person that is going to be awake enough to say, ok lets do this. And there is a wisper in my mind that is saying, it just isn't going to be there, again, Open Eyes had to find her way through on her own somehow.

Open Eyes