[Open Eyes]

I was talking to my dad yesterday, trying to ask him for help, any kind of help towards getting some hay. Sigh....I had found a farmer that had hay for a decent price and while I did get some from him it only lasted a month, not even really. Well I wanted to get more but then the pony got sick and I couldn't get back for more, well someone else bought him out. I thought my prayers had been answered (I have been praying all the time) and I just couldn't utilize it.

Anyway, I have been trying to tell my father how much I am struggling with what I have. Sadly he is old now and I don't think he is going to truely get it. None of my family truely gets it which makes it very frustrating. However I can't blame anyone, I have a hard time with it myself.

But my dad replied that it is important to be careful what I tell people because every time I tell people it also tells myself to learn it or think it as well. At first he upset me by saying that because I felt he was trying to dismiss my real concerns, something many do which can make the condition even more frustrating. But I don't want to turn away any food for thought, I actually do consider every way peope do respond to me.

So, I stopped and considered his statement in many ways. First much of my thought has been about trying to be positive as well as learn as much as I can about what I have. For several months I would utter confusing difficulties I was experiencing and finally found out that these difficulties were symptoms of what I have. So, that isn't convincing myself of anything, it is recognizing where I struggle and then learning what it means. Actually I tend to not want to discuss the bad memories or events or my emotional difficulties because I do NOT want to somehow have these troubling issues consume me in any way.

I thought about my time in PC and why I originally joined. In the beginning I was just trying to look at myself to see if I could identify troubled areas that I may not be aware of. One of my major concerns was trying to understand WHY I was misunderstood. I must say that I was very eager to know and looked for anyway I could express myself and get a reaction.

Along with that effort I was also trying to understand what my diagnosis meant. I WAS struggling, and it WAS concerning me and I also WAS extremely misunderstood outside PC. I wanted so badly to get a handle on what my diagnosis meant and I made many efforts to try to discribe it any way I could that might help me recognize how it WAS really effecting me. I honestly felt that if I could identify it effectively then I could work on consciously resolving it.

It was a lot harder than I anticipated. And I didn't get an immediate answer to how I was misunderstood either. And the therapist I had been seeing did go over some of the diagnoses that were considered possibles as well. He told me that what was considered was not the case and the problem with me is that I am extremely intelligent and also very giving and many people don't understand that, confuse it, use it, and tend to think I have some kind of other motive other than just trying to assist.

When I told him about joining PC he wasn't really supportive of it. He was very concerned that I would end up consentrating on helping others and giving rather than addressing what I truely needed to address, my own concerns. And he kept addressing me as extremely intelligent, which truely troubled and confused me and even made me question his abilities to treat me. So I decided to continue coming to PC and see if I could see for myself what he was trying to say. I kept his advice in the back of my mind and just basically threw myself in the mix of this place called PC.

In many ways he was right, I did try to address and help others. But each time I did that I did learn. I do admitt though it took me a while to talk about my own issues and personal history. I was only able to do that a little by PMing a quiet member just basically answering a question presented to me. In my efforts to chronicle things about myself with this one member I got to a certain part and simply couldn't go any farther. I am sure it must have been somewhat confusing for this member.

Slowly revealing some deep troubles in my past was extremely difficult to do. Many times I would post difficult memories only to delete them. I was having flashbacks and couldn't understand what they meant. I was trying to read other members discussions about what they experienced.However I found it extremely difficult to enter my own issues that were similar to their issues. I had spent a lot of time addressing the issues of others and talking about my oppinions about various topics. However admitting my own issues, and deep concerns was really hard to do. (this is part of how PTSD victims feel that I have now come to know)

I finally began to slowly reveal and it did meet with a strange reaction. At the time there were a couple of members that had big saga threads. I was amazed that someone could do that. I didn't want to do that, I honestly didn't want to put a big focus on some very troubling experiences in my past. To my surprise when I did make a decision to talk about some of my personal troubles I did meet up with reactions that somehow suggested I was trying to steal some kind of pitty spotlight. And that is exactly what happens to me outside PC. I admitt that I was extremely triggered and honestly didn't know what to do or how to react.

I do have an answer to part of my question about being misunderstood. And I have to say it wasn't at all what I had thought it might be and yet somehow it was a concern. Somehow people that come to know me seem to think that I should be able to just fix my own issues as I seem to be so smart in many other ways. For some reason because I seem to be able to achieve an overall understanding of others, it is thought that the only reason I express personal difficulties is to somehow manipulate others for a personal gain. And when I do express a personal concern often others don't know what to say to me because they can't understand why I really struggle or that I really struggle.

The reality is, even if I am smart, which I do debate still on many levels, I truely do have a very difficult disorder that is proving to be very challenging. As I work with my current therapist, he does tell me all the time that I am so intelligent. I have to say that often when I leave his office I cry, because if I am so dam intelligent why cant I fix myself?

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

It will be interesting to see if there is any feedback to this or if it may just be considered and be again misunderstood.

I dont do well with asking for help and I have come to know that for me, that goes way back. It is intertwined with the fact that, from what my therapist is telling me, is many events in my life
effected me with PTSD symptoms in my brain. I do not want to embrace PTSD, however I do have to understand how it has somehow effected me without my truely knowing. I have been told that this last tramatic event has presented me with what is now a very crippling case of PTSD. Unfortunately I am also experiencing symptoms of the PTSD being exaserbated by not truely being able to somehow just get to the point where this tramtic event can be truely "PAST".

I am curious how other members have similar feelings as me. Do you feel you are misunderstood as well?
Is it hard for you to express your troubling life experiences ? Do you feel that if you talk about your personal struggle it may only serve as a way to invalidate or harm you in some way? Do you feel that if you reveal your personal struggles it may prevent you from somehow using your positive constructive strengths? Do you think that by addressing your weaknesses it will serve to only convince your brain or persuade your brain to give into these weaknesses?

[Perna]

Wow, some pondering; from hay procurement to fathers to feeling misunderstood and not understanding the relationship between intelligence and personal, emotional or mental problem solving.

Intelligence is like hay, a raw resource. You have some hay and you feed it to your horses and they turn it into health and energy. There are several steps in there that have to be taken; if a horse has a bad digestion system, it is not going to be able to convert the hay into as good a health and energy product as another horse might but that does not make the hay any less potent!

Somewhere in you there are various personal difficulties and issues that are getting in the way of you using your intelligence to address what you see as your problems and getting a good result; one difficulty I see off the bat is not being sure of your intelligence! If you don't feel you have the resource, the hay, you aren't going to be able to deploy it to work for you, are you? If you think the loft is empty but you have several bales left in the back, where you can't see them from the ground, you can't use them to feed the horses, can you?

I would inventory my resources. I would take what other people see in me as "fact" (how can they see what isn't there?) and go about trying to see what they see instead of staying stuck in that particular spot.

Believing you are not intelligent enough to fix your problems means the problems must stay unfixed since they are your problems! Believing you are intelligent enough lets you move along to concentrating on the next step toward fixing the problems instead of not having any hay to feed the horses in the first place when you actually do.

What's with the hay procurement? I suspect there are more farmers with hay; can you find five and rank order them by price, location, ease of getting the hay? Can you pay a bit more to have it delivered, if you do not have the time or means to collect it or can you hire a high school kid to drive your truck over and get it or trade someone's mother picking it up for horse time for her child, etc.?

I remember when my father first felt "old" to me; I had a problem with my car and called him and instead of coming to my rescue he replied, "What do you want me to do about it?" in such a way that I truly realized he had no clue and was no longer the man who had the father resources to help his daughter, the daughter was an adult now and it was time for her to learn to take care of herself and her own problems as an adult. It wasn't that he did not love me anymore or would not like to help me but that our relationship had changed, our life paths and roles were not the same anymore.

Staying with the car stories; 20 years after realizing I had to learn to work on my own problems as an adult, I was married and my husband trusted me; told me how much he trusted me and how good my judgment was. I was a bit like you with your T telling you how intelligent you are, that I was so trusted to make good decisions for my husband and myself, etc. felt daunting and like it was too much. Then came the day my car (the next car that replaced the one that broke in the previous story :-) died, smoke or steam pouring out from under the hood in the grocery store parking lot. My husband was off on an adventure of his own and there was no way to contact him.

Next door was a full service gas station. I walked there and talked to the owner and his mechanic and we decided I could probably drive it the block to the station (no dash lights had come on yet). I did that and they looked at it and decided it was a major fix; would be more expensive than the car was worth just to look and see if what they thought was wrong (they would have to take the engine totally out and that was expensive and if the part they thought was broken was a certain type, the car could not be fixed at all (but I would still owe a zillion dollars for taking the engine out!).

As the mechanic was looking at it I was chatting with the station owner and someone came up to him and asked about a car the owner had for sale; I looked over and it was the car of my dreams, seriously, the car I told myself as a teenager I wanted! This was used, had been his grandmother's who had died and he had refurbished it and was selling it for a very reasonable price.

I remembered in the back of my mind that my husband said he had paid off my credit care and suddenly realized that I could charge that car on my credit card, if I wanted, I could afford it. It was a startling, scary thought! It was then I thought about my husband saying he trusted my judgement, "We're on the same team!" he'd exclaim. I riffled through my mental filing cabinet for other things I had decided and saw, through my experience, that I did make good decisions, that my judgment was "sound". I decided to buy the car! Here I was, all by myself, making a multi-thousand dollar decision. Scary stuff.

My reasoning went that the gas station was a prominent one in the community, the owner could not get away with lying to me, selling me a lemon, it could affect his credibility and standing in the community. I had no car at the moment; how was I going to get home from where I was without transportation? The repair on the old car was not worth its cost and was iffy if the part was not repairable; I could okay the repair and end up owing money for nothing and then having to pay to junk the car from the gas station. If the car could be repaired, it would take a couple weeks; I'd have to spend even more renting a vehicle to get to and from work. It was the car of my dreams, a very reasonable cost, the car was relatively low mileage, and, my husband could fit in it comfortably and drive it (he could not do either in the broken car).

I used my intelligence on myself to follow through on making a decision for me and my husband. I rank ordered my problems and looked for solutions and used my logic (intelligence) to figure out support for my decision. Nobody else was directly involved :-)

I would not worry about other people misunderstanding you; I would make sure you are talking or understanding yourself well.

[lynn P.]

I don't know all your details but I think the main problem is your PTSD. I had this after my house was broken into while I was in the house. I didn't know what it was but now I recognize this is what I had. Most sufferers of this are super sensitive with many jumbled thoughts and feelings. They react differently because of this condition.

I don't think there's a simple answer but one tip I can offer is, try to simplify things and filter your thoughts. If you're having a day where you feel completely overwhelmed - find some quiet time and put those worries aside. Try practicing mindfulness - this means concentrating fully on the task and don't let the negative barge in. Try a small goal for one day - tell yourself you're going to live in the present moment for one day. This means not worrying about the past or problems.

Your intentions to help are good but you have to be realistic - you can't solve all the problems of others. Even if you might be making perfect sense, the person might not be ready to use what your trying to tell them. If you had all the answers for everyone's problems, then you would be able to solve your problems too. If you work on simplifying your thoughts, this might help. Some people fall into the rescuer role - they worry and want to solve problems too much.

Regarding feeling misunderstood here - if you have 2 countries who don't like each other...a person can come in and try to see each one's side but since they're so divided it doesn't help either side. It's like having two neighbors who are enemies and you're sitting on their fence....after a while you'll need to put your foot somewhere or let them solve their own problems. When I sense someone wants real advice, I try to be honest without sugar coating it. I believe your intentions are good though, but be selective with how much you give out and how much you expect of yourself/others.

[madisgram]

im glad you found us, open eyes. i hope we can offer you the support you need as we all do here. for me it has been a worthwhile experience. sometimes it's difficult to lay it all out for others to see but in doing so it can help. wishing you peace, friend.

[Open Eyes]

Yes Perna, that is exactly what I used to do, come up with a lot solutions, often solutions that surprised others. I truely did see many things that others did not see, often taking things others discarded and presenting something useful. I had actually learned a long time ago that often my father could not service a resolve for me, would present the negetives (he thought my business idea had too much liability). I thought about what his negetive reaction was and decided to try anyway. I surprised him by my successes.

One of my biggest problems is that most people around me seem to expect me to jump out with resolve. Even I feel that I should somehow be able to do so, but this disorder I am experiencing is compromising that ability. I have been fighting tooth and nail and even trying to put aside a lot of damage and debt and work my way through it. If you go back to your struggle with your car, if there was no used car presented, and you didn't have enough credit and the gas station told you it might be expensive but they could fix your car. What if they didn't resolve your issue and actually didn't do their job right and because your not a mechanic though you do know they erred you saw them make a mistake while pulling your engine apart however they can say it was your imagination something is wrong with you. What if you tried to talk to other auto machanics and even went out of town calling around and no other mechanic wanted to help you because they didn't want to fix your original mechanics issues.
What if the other mechanics had relationships with your mechanic and they swaped parts etc and so you can't find another mechanic. You could report the mechanic to the better business bureau but it would not fix your car or serve any financial gain as well as send out a warning to other mechanics that your a liability they should ignore because you will complain if something doesn't go right?

Now you don't have a car to get to work, you cant pay your bills and even if you lease another car you just get further behind because you can't afford to lease a car and come up with enough money to pay your bills as well? Somehow this presents you with a debilitating condition and people around you simply cannot understand why Perna cant just deal and resolve the issue? Now your husband isn't supportive or trusting your decisions anymore all he does is talk nicely to the mechanic and that is only allowing the mechanic to have his way and it still is not fixing the car?

Your work is a business you created yourself and spent 20 years of your life building it. Your trying to do your best but debt is building and the mechanic has the right to draw this whole situation out for a very long time. During all this you discover that it is crippling your brain and no one understands that, including you, and as much as you try to address the issue for some reason your brain locks up and try as you might you can't seem to prevent that from occuring. No one understands you no matter how hard you try and before you know it everyone around you has now had it with the fact that you havent been able to be that superwoman you used to be?

And all this time everyone is telling you to find a new mechanic and get on with it. So you push yourself through this brain lock condition and try again only to hit the same road blocks. Your watching everything you built business wise for many years fall apart. Your husband lashes out at you every time you show signs of fatigue and he insists you should "Just get over it and this is life". And now all your family members start wispering you must be crazy because you are not just resolving this situation like all the other times you showed a capacity to go above and beyond. Oh, and the mechanic knows that you are struggling psychologically as well, that doesn't help the situation AT ALL because if your not careful he can truely turn your world upside down.

Oh and by the way, the credit card companies are calling constantly, your high credit rating is now in the toilet and none of them care about the situation you are in, they just want their money. And though you make efforts to explain your current state of issues and that now your truely struggling psychologically, no one cares.

Sigh......and the sad part is that as hard as your struggling to hold on and the financial situation is poor, you have clients that offer work and you cannot service them. And it is not something you can outsource as all that will do is allow your competitors to compromise a position you built over many years of hard work.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

don't know all your details but I think the main problem is your PTSD ~quote Lynn P.

Yes I am discovering it is a deep culprit that is being exaserbated by the situation I am in. My therapist sees this as well and it is a struggle for both of us because it intrerrupts with my progress in treating my condition. He also gets frustrated because I am not getting the support I need from family members. I know my therapist is worried and is doing the best he can.

I actually had to step back from the legal issues because it was too much for me to deal with in my condition. My therapist has expressed concern for the fact that I have had to deal with a lot of issues this year that are making it difficult for me to progess in therapy.

It's like having two neighbors who are enemies and you're sitting on their fence....after a while you'll need to put your foot somewhere or let them solve their own problems. ~quote Lynn P.

Yes, this is a difficult area for me. I have deep gratitude for certain members here that have truely provided me with a way to get to some very difficult areas of my personal struggles. Certain members were truely supportive and never got in the way of my struggle to talk about some very difficult areas of my life that I had a real hard time discussing here, still do. I don't think I am ever going to be able to explain the depth of what that meant to me, not in words anyway. The only thing I can try to convey is I feel it is important to try to find ways for members to continue to obtain support here. No, I cannot control what others do and do not see, at least not all the time.

Sigh,,, there is always going to be that part of me that can see things others often do not see, my therapist has mentioned this to me several times as he says I am extremely intuitive and I do see a depth that others seem to miss. It has a lot to do with a survival mechanism I have developed from early childhood, I actually had to see more to survive and it is one of the reasons I am so successful in working with children. And the reason I do get upset is also due to witnessing someone who was misunderstood and abused so yes that is a troubling area for me. Yes it is a big trigger for me, something I am recently recognizing.

We cant fix something until we understand what is broken. I am learning more here than I had ever expected. I learn from anything that I find upsetting and difficult. And I have met some amazing people while being a member here at PC.

I am appreciating the feed back. And I honestly dont want to pick one member over another this is an area where I am learning how to stay supportive and neutral. I am sure I am not the only member that has struggled with this.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

"Wow, some pondering; from hay procurement to fathers to feeling misunderstood and not understanding the relationship between intelligence and personal, emotional or mental problem solving." quote ~ Perna

Yes, I have presented too many questions all at once here. I agree, I have too much going on all at once, yes, that is what it is like outside PC, too much on my plate, nothing getting resolved despite my efforts to do so. I try to focus on one issue, get no where, put it on hold, try to work on something else, get a little forward momentum and something else crashs down in front of me unexpectedly. Even though I was struggling and trying really hard, had many things lined up to get me through the winter. In came a rain storm, then a hurricane, then an unpresidented snow storm that wiped out so much planned business, needed income, top that off with a sick pony that was expensive and heartbreaking. Not to mention depositions scheduled where I was not informed, seeing mistakes my attorney was making, researching other attorneys, getting told to try to get a deposition in by other attorneys, no one helping me out, the firm that represent me disolving, being left in the hands of this one forgetful attorney, finally getting a deposition scheduled, forcing myself to sit and go over very troubling damages and events, last minute cancellation of the deposition another one scheduled trying to keep calm, then another last minute cancellation again. And all along trying to run a business and talk to clients even when I am shaking uncontrollably not understanding why I was shaking uncontrollably. And too much more to mention, nothing good. But I would like to add that it was really nice to receive all the happy birthdays, outside PC the only one that remembered or said anything was my husband. My daughter never called and it broke my heart, I just wanted THAT day to be over.

Considering the overload, I was actually narrowing quite a bit down. I appreciate your input Perna, at least making the effort meant a lot to me. The first step was to evaluate, in so many ways I did do much on my own dispite the odds. I remember my journey well, so I couldn't understand the flashbacks, and being presented with this crippling condition along with a whole lot of damage, well that was something I never could have imagined. Not sure I am smart enough.

Sigh.......sorry
Open Eyes

[elliemay]

One of the keys to weathering a truly rough time is trying your best to roll with it. I think you'll find problem solving to be one the most satisfying things to do. It is stressful, especially when it is about life stuff (and procuring hay IS a big thing - it's been really tough lately for everyone).

Try to focus on what you are going to do now, rather than why what just happened, happened the way it did.

I really to hate to sound blunt, from my experience, those outside those of us few who understand, in the "real" world very very few people are going to care, or make any allowance whatsoever for your condition. As you said "they just want their money". You maybe coming to terms with it and understanding it - and that IS the most important thing - but, in reality, you can't expect other people to as well.

People decide what they are going to do with information, and sadly, with mental illnesses, it usually not a positive thing for them.

Also, try to remember you don't have to solve every problem all at once, just the one in front of you. SOmetimes my only goal is to not make things worse!

You'll make it. You're a smart chic, in the big picture this will pull you through.

[Open Eyes]

Your right ellimay, the one thing my therapist advised me to do is try to think about addressing the pony like a wave coming and going and to do my best to just know that the experience will eventually happen and then pull away like a wave would. I feel that is how I got through the experience which was so very challenging.

The most unsettling part of what I have is that I honestly thought I had coped through many different difficult events in my life, I honestly thought I had made peace with these events and grew past them. I had no idea that this psychological condition could be so difficult and confusing. It presents a big burst to a psychological bubble. I hate how it seems to rule the mind causing confusion to the psychie as to wondering how it presented itself without my being conscious it was forming. Therefore it brings doubt about what more damage will occur without my consciously knowing it.

I didn't present this thread question right I can see that now. I can see how when I try to address one thing, many other questions are attached to it as well. This IS a part of the disorder, as I am learning.

I know that the situation I am in with the way the damage occured, the severity of it that was unimaginable to me, along with my neighbor admitting they knew about the broken containment system. The way they tease at saying it is my word against theirs while knowing they are at fault, is actually abuse. Yes I have the time line of animals presenting issues only on Monday and Tuesdays and I just could not understand what was different that presented those specific nights. It was hard to learn directly from the neighbor that for just about three months they were fiddling with the fence on the weekends and when they saw it was still not working and the dog was on my property, they then contained the dog until the following weekend.
So they knew before I could have known what was taking place. It wasn't until so much damage occured that they finally did the right thing, install a new containment system with alarms. And though I asked the police to come out, they would not come out and insisted I talk to the dog warden fully knowing she was out due to recovering from an injury. Had the police gone out as I asked they would have heard the neighbor admitt that they were aware the system was not working, they would have seen the system was down as the neighbord still had not replaced it yet.

I had conversations with my neighbor explaining tearfully there was a lot of damage and I was trying to addressing it, finding out what damage there was. I told him it was substancial and that he should submitt a claim to his insurance company. By the time the dog warden did go out, they had talked to their insurance company, installed a new system, then denied their system was broken and said I was just a crazy lady. However they did approach me unexpectedly and though they admitted that they knew, they basically said, it would be their word against mine and they were going to deny.

I did experience shock and exhaustion while addressing so many bad injuries. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't get the right help in the psychward, instead was further frightened and confused. I had diagnoses discussed that were inaccurate and I was told how much I was misunderstood and should have never been in that psychward. That is all I seem to learn, how I was misunderstood, mistreated, mistakes were made etc. Yes, I see it, so does my therapist. But the problem is that I lived it and it presented me with a terrible case of PTSD.

I had obtained an attorney before I ended up in the psychward. That attorney told me that none of my psychological duress could be part of my suit. When I got out of the psychward and was being treated in outpatient I was to discover that the attorney that took my case had her own issues, didn't file the case and left the firm she was a part of. I was still struggling psychologically but with the help of my husband obtained another attorney. He told me I could include my psychological reaction to the event. He got permission to get my records and during that time I went to my GP as the psychiatrist that I had seen told me that I seemed stable just taking the Klonopin and I could get that prescription from my GP. So when I went to my GP, my GP yelled at me and basically threw my records on my lap and expressed his great displeasure that he was expected to take over a patient with so many issues and he recited a list of things I never heard of.

Having my records in hand and feeling very confused I began to read an accounting of what I now know are diagnoses that were never discussed with me in any way. One thing I did see is a mention of childhood abuse that had not been addressed but could be an issue. My new attorney had received his copy of my records as well and he told me that my neighbor would be able to know everything in these records, including the sexual abuse I had mentioned. As much as I wanted to include the after care I was going to need and did experience, the fact that his negligence could allow him to know very private information about me, was beyond my comprehension.
It was equally hard for me that a male attorney that I didn't really know also got to see something very private as well. And the diagnoses that were considered were very incorrect, but could be used against me as well in every set of eyes that gazed upon these very private records.

I went into a psychward in shock, I didn't know that then, and they truely mistreated me. I was addressed by my family with such anger, blaming me, telling me I better get my act together, I was going to lose everything, and they were angry and shunning me. I didn't know what PTSD was, I didn't understand why I broke down.
That was supposed to be explained to me, and my family was supposed to be told what I was experiencing. That never happened, instead I was constantly blamed and treated so poorly.

I am in a spot where I, along with my therapist, am looking at so many errors, how I was so mistreated, misunderstood, and that it made me so much worse, deeper and deeper into this condition that I am addressing. Wow, it sure is an awful lot to process.

Having people say, sorry we didn't know doesn't make it better. Having people just assume that because the reality is now known cannot change the fact that for almost 3 years I suffered through being so mentally tossed around that I AM worse. I am not only suffering from a neglient neighbor, but from a total lack of anyone recognizing how that profoundly effected me psychologically. Even I did not understand why I broke down in exhaustion physically and mentally. Though I presented all the red flags, how could that be so overlooked is beyond my comprehension.

It has been over four years since my whole world changed. I have only just recently received help from a therapist to sit with my husband and explain the severe conditon that I am in and that I truely cannot be further treated so poorly for something I cannot help. My husband is struggling to understand my condition and often responds poorly as I express how difficult it is for me to opperate with this crippling condition, and it is very challenging and very real.

Along with this, I have an aging attorney that has made many mistakes himself. I am participating in a legal action that allows the opposing side to put off being held responsible for their negligence. I learned that the town could have been held responsible for not sending a police officer out to speak with my neighbor. My attorney didn't see that and it is beyond the two year limit for me to act on that.

The reality of the past four years of my life is beyond my comprehension. All I seem to hear is, woops sorry we made a mistake but its too late to fix, Just deal now.
The reality is that all of this has presented such a crippling conditon in my brain that is real. Yes, I am trying very hard to pick up so many pieces, it sure is hard. And the best I can muster is visiting one man who sees my reality once a week. It truely is not enough. I am overwhelmed with so much on my shoulders. Yes, I am trying to address one thing at a time. However it is so daunting trying to do so in my condition.

The best I can see about what I have is that because I am in various states of suffering from different kinds of mistakes and even negligence. It has presented a condition in my brain. I think that my brain, trying very hard to help me survive this is drawing on other events in my past that were tramatic and how I resolved or survived those events. I even was very upset and felt responsible that I did see that dog lose and even saw part of what it was doing but it just didn't register. Looking back there were signs that I didn't see, I had thought that after experiencing many events after finally getting my neighbor to contain their dogs, when a dog did get lose they would appologize and fix the tie one dog had to have because it didn't respect the electric fence.

I dealt with so much guilt and self punishment for not recognizing what was truely going on. But I have come to recognize that I had never seen a dog do what this dog was doing to my horses and ponies. Had I seen that kind of behavior in my past, my brain would have sent a message of what I was seeing in fragments. After seeing the whole pattern of what the dog had been actually doing with my husband also seeing it as well, that was the initial shock. At least I am recognizing that there is a lengthy process a victim goes through in self punishment as they look back on a tramatic event. Guilt, shame, and a constant list of questions arise about how a victim might have been somehow responsible for a trama takes place. It took me over four years to finally understand how to recognize that one fact. If the brain has never seen something, learned something, it is not going to put fragments together into a picture of prevention or recognition. Yes, I was concerned and experienced the result of a dog suddenly appearing spooking a horse while I was handling it, or suddenly appearing and spooking a horse while I was giving a lesson. However I had never considered this kind of event taking place, not the way I witnessed it occuring. And that is why many victims ruminate about bad events that were upsetting and presented a loss of somekind.

In fact, none of anything I experienced thus far, which is a lot, are experiences I ever witnessed, learned or had in my life knowledge where I could have the capacity to identify a prevention before suffering the result of something bad. It is in the definition of someone who suffers with PTSD symptoms that a victim searches for "someone, help, a guide for resolve". There is a deep need and yet a sense that that answer, person to take over and help, teach, resolve etc. is somehow unobtainable. And as that sense continues to present itself, the victim begins to isolate in a tremendous sense of personal inadequacy. Any form of addressing this individual with an assumption that they SHOULD have the capacity to RESOLVE, doesn't help the victim, all it does is PUSH THE VICTIM INTO FURTHER DESIRE OF ISOLATION AND SENSE OF INCAPACITY AND GUILT. There is a very dark psychological state that can take place as a result of NOT filling that deep need, there is so much shame and sense of incapacity and hopelessness that there is a strong desire to completely retreat. It is a very, very dangerous state of mind.

With everything I know, everything I have within, I am trying, but I am also saying, I NEED HELP. And as I am expressing this deep need, I have not truely been answered.


Open Eyes

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Yes, I have presented too many questions all at once here. I agree, I have too much going on all at once, yes, that is what it is like outside PC

Not at all; life is life and we don't have problems if they aren't problems You have a lot on your plate and that is what you presented! I was only agreeing with you that it was a lot and very difficult and all over the place, etc.

When I have too much to deal with, I first try to get rid of some. If it costs more than one can get in return, I drop it, no matter how I might like to do it or wish I could fit it in, etc. If it is going to harm me more than be good for me, literally or my mental health and mood, etc. then I ditch it. Trying to struggle with too much is an unhealthy decision, something has to give and I'd rather it was the problem I feel is mine (if I can't solve it, I should not claim it) than me.

If the car scenario went as badly as you say, I would drop the whole thing, give up the car and move on, the bad guys could have it since they want it so much. Without a car I would not have to pay car insurance or buy gas (or make other repairs), I could use that money to pay for alternate transportation or save some of it until I could buy another car. If car owning is such a hassle for me, even if it isn't my fault it happened that way, then I don't want that hassle more than I want a car.

I can't do anything about how others act, don't want to be concerned about what they do or why they do it because I have enough trouble with myself. If I were to lose my house to the bank because of this economy, it would be about the house and me and finding myself shelter, not about how the bank or economy did me wrong; I do not want to fight them, they are bigger than I am and it will hurt me to fight them more than it will make my situation better. They are not in charge of me knowing who I am! If I say I am honest and hard working, that's what I am since I am the only me there is so I get to be in charge of deciding who I am.

[Open Eyes]

I just wrote a lot Perna while you were writing this post. Yes I see what your saying, that is the response that is often presented to people with PTSD and it is so difficult for someone with PTSD to explain how they struggle. They don't want to be stuck, don't understand what it means, they are MISUNDERSTOOD and they even misunderstand themselves.

Yes, I wrote alot while you were writing this. I am wondering if others with PTSD will relate to what I am saying.

I want to find the way out of this psychological condition, so do others that are crippled by it. It is not just about tackling life normally, it is not a normal state of mind, its very troubling. I have been trying to understand what it means. I can see where I need help, how I am stuck in many ways. Finding the right help is very important for someone with this condition. Many mistakes have taken place that have not been my fault. These events presented me with a worse condition of PTSD. I was making many efforts towards resolve. I did not know that my condition was worsening. It has taken me a long time to understand what I have and what it means. If someone has it due to a tramatic event they can get help and answers and learn to overcome it. I have not had that, instead I faced many errors not only in treatment but I did make the proper efforts towards a resolve, however I am facing a result now due to continued errors made by other people. Finally getting to a place where I can, with assistance, step back and see it all is a lot to process.

Open Eyes

[Rose76]

I think life has some tragic features to it that just are what they are and won't change, regardless of how much it seems to us that it is unfair that they don't/won't/can't. An intelligent mind is driven to try to come up with a "philosophy" that makes it all seem meaningful. I think, OpenEyes, that you are a relentless thinker, which I happen to believe is noble. You don't settle for easy answers.

In trying to think through the circumstances of our own lives, we are also trying to think through the mysteries of life that have challenged human minds for thousands of years. What I find useful for myself is to remind myself that I can do something more satisfying than try and re-invent the wheel. Let me see what great thinkers of the past have already come up with. (Of course, they will contradict one another.) Then let my thinking be stimulated by that. It's a long time since I've been to the library and took out a good book, I mean a really profound work. I think I should (or even just google up some really top notch writing and read it.) I recommend this to anyone who is smart and given to doing a lot of thinking. We end up cannibalizing our own brains for lack of some "food for thought."

You seem more open to redirection than a lot of people are, so I am going to suggest something that I wouldn't suggest to a lesser person. Up-grade the level of your reading material. You have the intelligence for it. Explore the thinking of famous philosophers, especially ones who wrestled with emotional difficulties themselves. I was just trying to find a good quote from Nietzsche to put here, but I can't find what I want. He was interested in the desire that humans have to be understood. I think he said that it was a kind of a vain/futile desire, destined to always be frustrated, not that we'll ever stop desiring it. He addressed issues about how we get frustrated in life.

Other great thinkers thought a lot of Nietzsche's ideas were nuts, and they were right. The works published by Great Minds will be around and in print as long as humans survive. The vast majority of the ideas conceived by the vast majority of gurus and psychiatrists and therapists will end up, eventually, in the dust bin of stuff where things go that nobody is interested in anymore.

If you take a course in psychology, the teacher will probably tell you and your classmates that Freud didn't really understand a lot. The teacher will be correct. I will assert that the teacher is correct, but that the teacher understands even less. The teacher is a little mind.

Little minds do truly contribute to the advancement of understanding. The ball games don't get won just by the star athletes. But to only get material for thought from little minds is to go through life with one of your mental arms tied behind your back. That's okay -- unless you happen to be *intelligent.* If you are, then you will be asking for big answers to big questions from little minds. It gets so boring, tedious, and frustrating. It's like trying to dig for treasure using nothing but a teaspoon.

I'm not into making New Year's resolutions, but I it so happens I just made one. I am going to feed my mind better quality stuff. I'll still enjoy snacking on the fast food. I must, however, stop neglecting my real education, which requires exposure to and contemplation of the work of really top notch minds. Otherwise, I will be like those who first came out of the caves and had to invent everything from scratch. Let me take advantage of all that has already been thought by really capable minds. Then I won't be trying to reinvent the wheel. I may need to invent some modest gizmo that works for me in my life in modern world, but I won't be able to unless I study what's been done before.

Maybe nothing here seems relevant to your struggle. I guess when I post, I am fundamentally trying to help myself. I think we all are at some level - trying to help ourselves - whenever we do anything - even what we think we started doing to help someone else.

[Open Eyes]

Oh I appreciate your advice Rose.

In the last four years I really have been through a lot. My whole life had really been turned upside down. I had so much to understand and I had never imagined I would be in the state (all around state) that I am in now.

I NEVER considered myself anything but a simple mind, or just maybe mediocure.
And in my different interactions with therapists, even feedback I have gotten here spoke of me being very intelligent. This is really not something I truely ever felt.

As I unfold the situation that has been suddenly presented to me, when other people tell me how intelligent I am I feel like I have entered some kind of strange Twightlight Zone. I have discovered things about myself that I find very confusing.
Yes, I am seeing many things about myself that I truely didn't recognize before and I find it somewhat like a big betrayal of somekind. I have always been an avid thinker, very creative, good problem solver, tough and extremely inquisitive. But at the same time as long as I can remember I also felt so behind in many ways.

What I am learning now is that I do think more than many people, I do see things that others simply do not see. I have learned that I am very intuitive and I also have the ability to understand others in a greater depth.

I often feel like I missed the ship that I was supposed to sail in life. And I don't quite know what to think about that. My question of why I am so misunderstood is not at all what I thought it was.

It really hit me most when I had an older woman bring her grandchild here to my farm to ride on one of my ponies. All I knew is she was doctor so and so and I didn't know what kind of doctor. So I walked around and talked and then the direction was turned toward her trying to get her grandchild to pay attention and sit up striaght and she had to keep correcting her grandchild. So gracefully I just stepped in and dealt with her grandchild in my own way of gaining the attention of a young child. And this doctor observed me achieving a much desired result, that she had not been able to achieve.

Towards the end of my working with this child, I asked this woman what kind of doctor she was. This woman explained that she was a child psychologist, taught psychology in NY and also was an author. Then she touched my arm and told me that by observing me SHE learned from ME. She told me that I was amazing and she thought I truely missed my calling.

One would think that this is a tremendous compliment. It was not the first time I had been told this, as a matter of fact I had run into this before but kind of dismissed it. After she left, there was a real deep sense of saddness that came over me. I guess that being validated at my age for something like this has just made me wonder why I had so many times in my life been so invalidated.

To be honest, I can remember many years of my life trying to find someone like this woman, but I just didn't find it. And I often wonder about what my brain would have accomplished had I been placed in the right situation.

I guess that is why I am such a strong advocate for children to be given the chance to be raised correctly. Growing up behind a child that had issues like my brother truely interfered with my own developement in more ways than I ever dreamed.

Open Eyes

[notz]

Open Eyes,

I think every word you write, every paragraph you make and everything you post is you giving yourself the answers. You eloquently explore and address all your thoughts, cares and concerns. You give yourself time to absorb and take the suggestions of T and those of PC seriously.

My only suggestion would be to put the "baby shoes" on and go slowly. Take your issues and break them into "bite size", manageable pieces. "Divide and conquer", no need to do it all at once.

Limit yourself to what you can take on at any one time. It didn't happen overnight, it won't resolve to some satisfaction overnight either.

Take care.

[Open Eyes]

(((((Notz)))))

How come you have to be in this box in front of me an not someone truely around me that can stand up and say this for me. I have been trying to say exactly this for much too long now.

I have not had good experiences with many things as I tried to get help for something I didnt understand. I said all the right things that should have been a clear message in how to help me, this was not done. Because I have taken a lot of time to learn about what I have and how it developes, I look back on myself struggling and not getting any real support and understanding. Because of that, I have gotten worse.

Coming to PC, I didn't know what I was going to learn. What I have learned is not at all what I could have imagined. I can see now why everyone around me just didn't get it. All anyone saw was a big problem solver, someone who provided a lot of direction and support, someone who was very strong and productive and energetic.
No one could understand how I could not "Just deal and fix everything". I was also one that could not understand "Why" I was struggling.

Along with that I have been in constant reconstruct mode, but at the same time experiencing all the symptoms of and acute case of PTSD along with depression.
And, unfortunately the people that were in place to help me resolve were not doing their jobs and making things that should have been addressed only prolonged needlessly due to their errors.

Everywhere I reached out for help, everyone I trusted, needed to trust while I struggled to pick so much up, all made so many mistakes. I could never have imagined all this, never.

I have actually had to step back a bit and work on myself. How your describing the baby steps, that is exactly what I have been trying to explain outside PC. I had too much to address this year in my condition, TOO MUCH. And I kept trying to say,
" I need a break, a time out, I am tired out".

I have a meeting with a new therapist tomarrow. I am hoping that perhaps she will help me get the help I need. I am not sure about the therapist I have been seeing.
He often sits across from me with such a look of exhaustion, it is like I woke him up in the middle of the night from a deep sleep or something. His eyes look terrible, glassy, lids that struggle to stay open, thats not right. Sigh....the one before him?
oh he ended up being a recovering herione addict/alcoholic going through a divorce and WOW. Honestly, most of my progress has been on my own through doing a lot of research. Sometimes my current therapist is awake and there, then he's not and he also made some scheduling mistakes etc. And yes, I confronted him my last visit.
I shouldn't have had to do that, not for the issues I have been addressing.

My lawyer?, I honestly think he is experiencing some dimencia or something, I honestly don't know how to find that out. He admitts his memory is shot, he doesn't sleep at night, yet he is still smart as a whip?

I stepped back for a breather because everything I was trying (calling other attorneys)
and trying to figure out what to do, I just could not get anywhere, it was just crippling me and really irritating the PTSD symptoms. And it really threw my efforts to run my business in a bad direction, now I am really in a bad spot financially. Scheduled depositions that I was not notified of because my attorney forgot them, then two scheduled that I tryed to prepare for and they were cancelled and all the time trying to run my business? Then the sick pony? Too much!!!!

I don't have any money to buy Christmas presents and my family is ALL MESSED UP. My mother just got diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimers, she was my best friend. Honestly this has been a very troubling year.

Open Eyes

[di meliora]

Hello, Open Eyes. What you speak of reminds me of the telling of the tale of the Tower of Babel. The phrase "The Tower of Babel" does not actually appear in the Bible. Sources, however, do point to the confusion of tongues as an act of defiance that doomed the undertaking.

Is pondering the deep issues people face considered an act of defiance? I do not know. I do believe the inability to communicate in a manner those who must understand are capable of is a source of many of the world's problems.

my question to you open eyes is...

with all this pondering...about the bad, & upsets in your past...what do you do for fun? to relax? to enjoy? no in the past, but now? what brings you peace?

& do you actively partake of it?

yes you have had some misfortunes..but honestly...some of these events can occur regardless of if your neighbors dogs got loose, or your lawyer is memory deficient, or your t is dimwitted, etc. these things happen to everyone...at some point you need to find a release valve...what do you do to release?

not sit by the computer & spout the story, or help others, or read everything there is to be found on ptsd...what would you do if there was no ptsd? walk, photography, ride, what?

what do you enjoy? & why don't you do it? i never hear of anything you do NOW that you enjoy...surely there is 20 minutes in your day for you. any t worth their salt will tell you to make time for yourself. any reading you have done will tell you the same.

so, what do you do? the posts are always negative...long,...how about one that is positive...i went for a walk in the woods, i took some photo's, i rode my horse...etc. that will do as much towards healing you as sitting with a t.

i challenge you to do something positive for yourself. ..that doesn't involve sitting in front of the computer rehashing the ptsd stuff or even helping others. research will tell you that exercise releases seratonin which will make you feel better..20 minutes/day...it's cold & crappy...go to a mall & walk or a museum...swim, but do something you enjoy...step away from the negative...

i bet it will make a world of difference in your sense of self.

no tell me you can't do it because of:

cost, work, $$, why?

if your healing is so important to you as you claim it is then wouldn't just 20 minutes be worth it. try it. step away from the ptsd for a little each day by enjoying life.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I was trying to do the fall cleaning until the pony fell ill and it did help. You know, I was very busy and kept my barn and paddocks constantly clean. Last year, I hand sanded the whole bottom part of my colonial home and painted it. My therapist at the time told me to do less, let things go. I replied to him that I didn't think I could do it and that I would fall so behind. But I made myself take his advice. I did less and less and got further and further behind and somehow I cant seem to get my old rythm back, and what it did is actually make me more depressed. I don't think I should have followed his advice to be honest (he was the recovering addict going through a divorce therapist).

I do spend time doing chores every day, but when I lost the pony I kinda sank to be honest.

I did just finish painting a decorative paddle for someone that is going to give it as a gift (a little money in my pocket). It did feel nice to accomplish a piece of art work.

Yes, stumpy I understand what your saying. I was actually very active when it just took over last year, so it did stop me in my tracks, frightened me that it was progressing without my knowing.

As I know you battle PTSD yourself it is nice to know that you yourself found relief by making sure you became more active.

Thanks Stumpy,
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

"Sources, however, do point to the confusion of tongues as an act of defiance that doomed the undertaking." ~quote Elan

Yes, I agree, that is exactly why I stepped back from the situation with the attorney.
I have to think about that situation more before I speak in a tongue that dooms the undertaking.

yes you are correct i do have (note not suffer from ) ptsd...it is not what defines me. i also have asthma, 3 kidneys, arthritis, DID, trigeminal neuralgia, bipolar, & a bunch of other nifty conditions...all of these conditions are a part of me, but not me.

i read your response..but i note that you have not answered my question...what brings you joy?

you list chores, maintenance jobs..items which must be performed as a matter of fact. we all have those of various types. honestly...does sanding your house bring you joy? maybe the satisfaction of completing it does..but is that the thing that gets you out of bed each morning?

i ask this not as a person with ptsd..but as someone with a degree in exercise physiology & wellness. the benefits of just 20 minutes of exercise a day are well known to improve mental & physical well being. now i am not saying "geez go out & run a marathon every day" oh god no...but a brisk walk, jog, bike ride, horse ride, swim, etc is all that is needed.

do something FUN. enjoyable. i doubt sanding your home is fun. in all of your writings i never read fun or happy...always drama. we all have drama...one type or another, we have drama..mine is no worse than yours...it's just mine. the difference is how i handle it.

exercise effects the serotonin levels in your brain. it makes you feel better. it's cheaper than a script from your doctor. you don't need fancy equipment. you need about 20 minutes. studies are showing now a connection between exercise and the delay of dementia & possibly Alzheimers ..surely there has to be a connection to ptsd in there someplace.

so really..what is it worth..time spent bemoaning the fact there is a condition in your brain or doing something about it. if you can begin to heal your brain by doing something simple like walking ...then why not make time for it? 20 minutes..isn't your quality of life worth it?

i didn't mention i was also a non-insulin dependent diabetic for about 6 years. thru exercise & diet i was able to alleviate the need for medication for this condition. again...if something so simple can make a change..why not try it. it beats sitting inside writing epic my life sucks because my brain doesn't work posts...

if you read this info in an article would you share it & do it? my point is we can all sit & bemoan our fates (about ptsd, or my need for a hip replacement, or poverty, or what ever) or we can address them. this solution is a start. it is simple. it is cheap. & it will do a body good.

try it. what do you have to lose? 20 minutes? the odds of improving your health, fixing your brain maybe & here's a thought relaxing & bringing some joy to your life certainly must be worth even that.

[elliemay]

Overall, stumpy makes a really good point. Life cannot simply be about surviving and pondering about one's lot.

There has to be joy as well.

I know that most of the time joy didn't fall into my lap, I had to actively seek it out, or, at the bare minimum, allow myself to experience the good that was all around me.

Even when I am at my lowest, I found the courage to do something that would lift my mood, if only a bit.

I found myself walking in several parades this holiday season. Totally utterly hilarious activity.

I asked to walk in the parades. I didn't wait for someone to ask me.

Did the fun "fix" what was wrong with me? No.

But for a few minutes I was good and have a growing resevoir of happy things to remember.

Of course, no one would actively chose to have a joyless life.

Sometimes though we have to actively chose to NOT have one.

[lynn P.]

I want to talk about ruminating - I've seen this happen in the abuse forum where a member get extremely overwhelmed going over past abuse. Its fine to vent and get feelings out, but if it reaches the ruminating point...its not healthy. This is when you need to step back - you can ask yourself, what can I solve in relation to my problems. Whatever you can't solve, you let go for now. With PTSD and former abuse - your brain can become so overwhelmed, your thoughts feel like they're in a tornado. There's also value in accepting what's happened in your past - coming to terms with it but realizing dwelling isn't helping you. Give your mind a rest. A simpler way is say "f it" and live in the now. If you had only one day left to live - would you spend it ruminating about the past?

[horseontheloose]

I concur with not ruminating. I have looked for relief in many ways. But I got the farthest by living in the moment and using my experiences to help myself through other stuff, and give others ideas on how to handle things. It doesn't mean bad things never happened, it just means I don't want that running my life. I acknowledge that I have had a TON of stuff happen to me, but that doesn't mean I have to look for more trouble, or constantly think about all that stuff. It's all a tool for me. I take a tool out when I need it, and then put it away. Sure I have hard times. But I don't want them to stick around any longer than needed. I have had to hunt for hay for my horses lately too (and met a neat person in the mean time), I've had lots of deaths, illnesses, back stabbers, I'm unemployed right now and having a hard time landing another job, I'm not buying stuff for Christmas (and don't need to cause that's not what it's all about anyway), can't afford to fix broken things at the house...The list goes on and on. But this morning, I went out with a friend and had a cup of tea and talked about kids, toys, the sunshine, and LIGHTLY on a bothersom thing. It has been a really nice morning. I will embrace that all day. I wish peace and friendship to you.

[Open Eyes]

I understand what your saying about ruminating and how it can take away for the here and now.

I have come to understand that, as I mentioned, I have had PTSD, probably for a long time. "I had no idea" is the best way to explain the past few months for me. As I had mentioned, I didn't truely know what PTSD meant, just thought it was a reaction that was normal after experiencing a lot of loss and that it would slowly go away.
Well, I worked at trying to pick up so many pieces and tried to continue, something I was well experienced with. But, I didn't truely realize that I was progressing deeper into the PTSD, I didn't even know that could happen to be honest.

It really wasn't until that morning of falling into a RAGE that I could not seem to stop and how it was directed at my daughter that changed more than I could have ever imagined. Not only was everyone around me going to punish me for that, but I was also going to punish myself as well. I went into some very dangerous ground with the aftermath of that I was SI many times. And the way my family was so unsupportive, uninformed about what I was struggling with, put me in a toxic environment. That should have been addressed long before that took place, it could have made a huge difference.

So I got online and all I knew is this PTSD diagnosis I was given and so I looked for a therapist. I picked a man and began therapy and he seemed very nice. But there were things he didn't discuss with me, and now that I think back, all he was really doing was following a workbook he had for treating PTSD. And as I mentioned, it was when he gave me a copy of a page from that workbook to bring home with a list of grounding methods when my whole world suddenly changed.

When it is suggested here about doing things for me, going for a walk, a ride on my horse, taking on an artistic project, what makes me happy? I could not do anything without having flashbacks. I simply could not understand that AT ALL! I was so confused by these flashbacks I didn't know WHAT to think.

I thought that I had coped through some very difficult challenges in my life. I was not prepared for what I was going learn and how hard it was going to be to try to understand. Everything I did to help myself be happy, was attached to something that was very upsetting, abusive, scarey, many bad things I went through. Honestly, I could not seem to do anything that wasn't attached to something bad and I only discovered that by trying to find a release only to experience flashbacks, anger, frustration, confusion, deep sadness, so many troubling reactions to just doing something I thought was pleasurable. I was so confused, had absolutely no idea what that meant. And because my family continued reacting to me poorly, I retreated in many ways. I couldnt count on that therapist, he was just too messed up in his own issues. So, he truely "didn't" leave me, or I left him, on a very positive note.

For a while all I had was PC and a very troubling life outside PC that was a problem everywhere I looked. The one thing I was afraid of doing was reading any books. I was not ready to see anything else I didn't know. I was very frightened, confused and lost and lonely. And I didn't understand why I could not seem to do anything I liked to do, I honestly didn't understand what that meant. I was frozen in confusion.

PC was the only thing I could seem to do. And the whole time I was coming to PC, I was sitting at a key board crippled with anxiety attacks. Somehow typing away, reading here and there, addressing different topics and just allowing my own feelings about these various topics and problems, just flow out of me. And just by doing that, I was able to reach into a part of myself that I could not seem to do any where else.
PC was where Open Eyes could be Open Eyes and could find a calm, some kind of place where Open Eyes could slowly look at Open Eyes in a very different way.

It was very hard for me to put any of my own issues here. I didn't want to ruminate, luxuriate, or feel sorry for myself. Everything I posted, every answer I put forth was as Notz said, deep thoughts, helping others yet also helping myself. And the other thing I had was a way to find others that understood what I was experiencing emotionally and psychologically and that it was extremely hard to explain to others.
The sentiment was, "If only these people could climb into my body and experience this" how much easier it might be to help others understand what it feels like, and how hard it is to "Just get over it".

To be honest, for the first time in my life, Open Eyes got to truely begin to see Open Eyes for the first time and it was not at all what Open Eyes thought. Ruminating?, that is one thing I didn't really want to do, took a lot whenever I did do that here and it always made me feel very exposed, guilty and as if I might be giving up whatever strength/credibility I had, and ofcourse there was the risk of allowing myself to get a similar reaction that was deeply hurting me outside PC.

It isn't just knowing how someone feels when they make a very troubled effort to reveal something in the abuse forum or even the PTSD forum. It is finding a way to help them find a safe way to come out of that deep sense of fear and troubled mind they are in. And, by stepping away from our own deep issues, and putting forth a way to find an answer to something very deep and troubling in someone else, we can also see a path of our own.

When a therapist compliments me and says, I am intelligent and intuitive, this is what they mean about me. And there is reason why it upsets me, much deeper than I realized, but have come to see and am working on accepting it for what it is. Open Eyes spent her life learning about many toubled people that came in an out of her life. Open Eyes DID help others, but all that time, Open Eyes didn't see what it was truely doing to Open Eyes. There WERE good things that I learned, but there were always some fears and questions that I didn't quite answer in other areas of my life.

Open Eyes tried soooo hard to make up for some very troubled people in her life. I can see how PTSD can be misdiagnosed with OCD, maybe BP disorders. Because now as I look back, to make up for the fact that my brother had issues, and my parents had their issues, then my husband had his issues that I had to learn all about and I took the route of keeping staying course and keeping my family together. I unknowingly took on the task of somehow trying to make up for it in other ways. I did try to find ways to address things and went about it like a manic would, tried to make up by pushing out good with some kind of need or perfection that may have looked like obsessive. However I responding to an unpredictable up and down environment that I didn't truely understand. I was fighting off a lot of fear with a lot of determination. And back then, I didn't even know what toxic family or people meant, it wasn't there to know in my time dealing with it. (I have never been diagonsed with either by the way)

My home was immaculate, Christmas was so picture perfect, so much energy put into things because of the stress and insecurity I was really feeling. I definitely can see how it presented an OCD like behavior. It wasn't OCD at all, it wasn't the ups and downs of Bipolar either, however it could sure feel and look like that. No, Open Eyes wanted happy, Open Eyes wanted a good home and life for her daughter, Open Eyes wanted her husband to grow up, get better be the man he could be because his heart was good. Yet Open Eyes was so afraid, didn't truely know how to make that happen, is that kind man going to finally grow up?, no Open Eyes NEVER felt secure in that at all. Open Eyes had a lot of sadness, embarrassment, rejection because it was known she was married to an alcoholic, Open Eyes threw herself into anything that could be productive, some kind of happy content feeling and she put EVERYTHING, EVERY TALENT, EVERY BIT OF HERSELF, into somehow making a positive result.

Up and down? Ofcourse it was up and down, but that wasn't bipolar, it was a constant reaction to the ups and downs and fears I was trying to resolve. And yes, there were depressive times when I didn't have all the answers. I did try to find them, but at that time they were not in place the way they are now. I had to hope and pray a thing called AA would solve my husbands issues. It is not a nice way to live, knowing that at anytime, an insanity could be presented all over again. No computers back then, no PC etc. Church helped some, but not that much.

It was a very difficult journey, yes, and Open Eyes fed on every smile her daughter presented, so many positive things did happen, it was a lot of work for Open Eyes. Open Eyes truely didn't see the depths of what all that meant. Though she can read about it now and see the reality of it that she felt but didn't know years ago.

Ruminating?, no we cannot go back and change anything we experienced in our past. Some here talked about a well and the depth of it and some pretty uncomfortable things in there. My reply to that post helped that person see something important, it made sense and presented a postive path, but it also showed it to me too.

We can not look at the Monsters in our past and change the Monster or continue to find ways to HIDE OUT. The only thing we can do is look back and see how WE were truely effected by these Monster memories and THEN by recognizing that, finally LEARN HOW TO MAKE PEACE WITH IT.

"I had no idea" is what we look back on and somehow see something we never recognized before, never even thought to recognize. And that is only the first step. That is the beginning to understanding what PTSD means.
The rest of the step is to learn how to properly process it and SLOWLY learn ways to change how we unknowingly react. It is a individual private journey in a way. It is not an easy journey. Everyone is unique in their personal experiences and how they managed them and how they were hurt or angered or frightened by their past.

RAGE? I ponder about that a bit, I have noticed others do that as well. I expressed my reactions of RAGE and at the time because my husband is the kind of man that has no training about what it means and how to react to it, oh, he absorbed it and made it worse. But something happened when I was driven to so much RAGE and sense of deep anger, fear, and a feeling of being boxed in, forced to experience something bad. I was finally able to reach to the depths of it and words came out that surprised me, and ofcourse him. I had to really think about what came out of me, it was very deep in this personal well. But now that it came up I can finally address it. If that had not happened, it would have just continued to be surpressed and might pop out in a bad way again (as was the case with my daughter).

"I had no idea"? Yes, I truely had no idea how deep some very troubling images, memories, fears, anger, invalidation, violations, extreme anxieties, were hidden in places deep inside my psychie/soul/mind/body/ essense that I was not truely aware of. No, "I had no idea".

It has only been a short time that I have been able to see it for what it really is. What makes me happy? What can I do for entertainment? I have to honestly say, I don't know yet. For the first time in my life, for the past year, I have only uttered, that I do not know what I want to do the rest of my life right now. I am only just beginning to find resolve, I had to see the problem first. And that has been hard to see because of a lot of distractions and a lack of support. After all this time, my husband has finally sat across from a therapist and was told something he should have been told over four years ago. My daughter still is angry and doesn't know what it all means. I am actually glad she is not living at home, while I have been trying to learn what it all means myself.

I met with a therapist my husband went to see on his own today. She heard his side and then listened to me. She also felt that my whole family should have been addressed differently four years ago. There are a lot of pieces to pick up now, that didn't have to be there. I went into flashbacks of the psychward and how poorly I was treated by the ward and my family.
Luckily the therapist supported me through that and understood what it all meant.
Open Eyes looks to the future still with much hope.