I'm done with life. I'm not going to work harder than everybody else just to get to a point to where I'm functional in a society that will never accept me. I'm done fighting just so I can be a decent person just so people care about me one day.

I can't be expected to deal with all of my problems and all of these responsibilities all on my own. I am struggling just to manage my stress with work and school while dealing with the buses. I can't get help and see a therapist because of how busy that I am combined with how slow the buses are. I can't get my license because I don't know how to drive because my mother never bothered to help me. I can't be expexted to do all of this on my own.

I see no advantage of continuing to try when it would be easier to scam people on the internet or use and manipulate people to get ahead. I could make more money with far less work involved if I chose to go down this path without putting myself at risk. In fact, all I would be risking is getting my mailing address or IP address blacklisted from certain companies if I did what I have in mind while making thousands or tens of thousands of dollars or more.

I could do stuff like this and not feel any guilt or remourse because I don't care about the vast majority of humans to begin with. I'm to empty to care about other people to begin with. I shouldn't have to work this hard to change because even if I do, I doubt that anybody will ever love me anyways because I am too hurt to be of substance to anybody. I can't bond with other people to save my life. Even if I could change, I can't get to a therapist due to my schedule and transportation issues and I wouldnt be able to do anything about my transportation issues for several months.

I'm a bad person. I no longer see a benefit in putting in the work to change. If people can't love and accept me than I will walk over them to get my way. I don't care who I have to hurt and drain to get my needs met anymore. I can't live this way anymore.

I see you making these posts quite often during times of stress, and I just can't take it seriously anymore. I think you are saying these things about lying and cheating to get ahead, but aren't actually going to do these things. I think you are frustrated with the stressors of adult life that you were not properly raised to deal with. It sucks that you did not get a proper childhood, but posts like this will not help you to move forward. It's just putting up a fake "tough guy" front that isn't believable with how many times you've flip flopped on it.

Driving vs. the bus, for example. I have decided not to learn to drive because it makes me anxious, so using public transit is what I do. There's no use complaining about it. Either make the changes you want to see, or accept where you're at and move forward.

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

I see you making these posts quite often during times of stress, and I just can't take it seriously anymore. I think you are saying these things about lying and cheating to get ahead, but aren't actually going to do these things. I think you are frustrated with the stressors of adult life that you were not properly raised to deal with. It sucks that you did not get a proper childhood, but posts like this will not help you to move forward. It's just putting up a fake "tough guy" front that isn't believable with how many times you've flip flopped on it.

Driving vs. the bus, for example. I have decided not to learn to drive because it makes me anxious, so using public transit is what I do. There's no use complaining about it. Either make the changes you want to see, or accept where you're at and move forward.

Actually, I fully intend on acting now. The fact of the matter is that what has made me weak up until this point is that I lacked conviction. I have been walking on a thin line between light and darkness for so long. I've been trying to find an even balance without commiting to anything; that has been my downfall. I will commit to my persuit of power without faltering and without being scared of losing the ability to feel light, love, and happiness because I've already lost the means to feel this way.

I lack the strength to do things the "normal" way. I can't function in school without being triggered by seeing all of the happy young people living the life that I never got to live. I am triggered by seeing all of these young girls that will never accept me and I am triggered by anybody (especially a female) telling me off like you are doing now. I have been trying to improve but change takes too long and I'm tired of waiting.

Since living a regular decent life isn't for me, I will simply walk over others to get ahead. After all, that's what all successful people do, yes?

I've noticed that even people here ignore me and blow me off. Even this forum has been triggering me because I notice a number of other members receiving love, praise, and help. I remember at least 2-3 members that had other people help them in person. Yet, this forum makes me feel more alone than I already feel.

Believe me, I wish that I didn't feel the need to go down such a path in life. Unfortunately, people's reactions to me only further proves my hypothesis that I am too far gone to be accepted by good people and the darkness is the only thing that would ever love me. The only motive for me to change at this point has been so that people will accept me. Unfortunately, no human being will ever sate the emptiness inside of me.

I will go back to how I used to be. Back when I put up a mask and lied about myself to make myself appear better than I was, I had a lot of friends and even women into me. I was a lot happier as a lying cheating scoundral, instead of the empty nothing that I am now that struggles to make friends. I just need to become a better version of the old me and I will get all of my needs met without issue.

[pegasus]

I'm not sure what we can say here to help make you feel better. I feel your anger and bitterness but wouldn't it be better (despite your childhood) to be successful! Show the world that you can succeed even when life is so tough. It's your choice! You have the power to choose which road to take. You can continue being angry and bitter or you can go do something about it!

Originally Posted by pegasus

I'm not sure what we can say here to help make you feel better. I feel your anger and bitterness but wouldn't it be better (despite your childhood) to be successful! Show the world that you can succeed even when life is so tough. It's your choice! You have the power to choose which road to take. You can continue being angry and bitter or you can go do something about it!

You and me seem to have different definitions of success then. To me, success equals money and the freedom to enjoy it. My proposed way of obtaining such success is more viable than continuing to struggle and be miserable. There are people who make 5 figures a month off of doing black hat internet marketing, social engineering schemes, or running online pyramid schemes. These people get away with doing stuff like that because they can. If they can make such a killing, why can't I?

Money will solve all of my problems. When I have millions in the bank, people will finally want me and I will be able to do things that I enjoy instead of being unhappy all of the time. I will no longer feel like an outcast looking in at other people from the outside, but the person who everybody wants to get close to.

Nothing else will sate this emptiness inside of me because I can't be happy dealing with this much stress in my life.

[pegasus]

Yes we have very different ideas on success. There was a time I thought that money would bring me happiness, I have since learnt that is not the case. You just need enough money, no more. True success is about being at peace with yourself and with what you are doing in the world. Proving to yourself that you can be loved, respected, like yourself, and have an honest sense of achievement in what you do.
Your choice.

[Travelinglady]

I agree with Pegasus. Money does not bring happiness. Some of the most miserable people are those who have won the big pot in a lottery, for example.

I know you're frustrated and angry, but please don't give up.

I don't think you'd find prison life very appealing either. The schemers usually get caught. Have you seen the show "American Greed" about such people? It's really criminal what they have done.

I'm sorry you feel people ignore you here. Alas, some of us are caught up in our own challenges. I've never felt negative about you, Darkness.

[Fuzzybear]

Money doesn't equal success.. agreed
I haven't had negative thoughts about you either, Darkness. Most of us here try to be supportive I often don't respond as I'm not "good with words"

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I agree with Pegasus. Money does not bring happiness. Some of the most miserable people are those who have won the big pot in a lottery, for example.

I know you're frustrated and angry, but please don't give up.

I don't think you'd find prison life very appealing either. The schemers usually get caught. Have you seen the show "American Greed" about such people? It's really criminal what they have done.

I'm sorry you feel people ignore you here. Alas, some of us are caught up in our own challenges. I've never felt negative about you, Darkness.

I am all about bending the rules to my will. The schemes that I have in mind wouldn't put me in any risk of prison. I know because I've done several months worth of research on this topic. I even studied and purchased guides from people that are successful

People who say money doesn't buy happiness are generally those who are poor and mmiserable (at least everybody who I've known in person that's preached this to me is). Money will buy me happiness because money equals my passions and being able to live my life around my passions would improve my quality of life considerably.

If I must go down a scheming Machiavellian path to achieve this end than so be it.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

If I must go down a scheming Machiavellian path to achieve this end than so be it.

Since I don't know what you are talking about I would say.. go for it. I mean seriously. As long as it is legal.

But Darkness, you are striking me as someone who doesn't want to face the world as it is and wants to return to the comfort zone. And that is ok.. I don't like the world either. But putting it off and retreating to these other schemes and strategies doesn't seem like it will do you any good. At some point.. you are going to have to deal, for an extended time, with all the crud that we all have to deal with. That includes hard and unpleasant things like the bus and work.

One of my favorite self help authors said if we don't push out of our comfort zone - it contracts. And there was a time I was as frustrated as you. Facing a wall of things I didn't know how to do. But I realized that if I didn't make myself do them.. I would always be scared and miserable. So isn't it just easier to make yourself deal with the hard stuff like drivers ed, and the job, and the bus and look on them as a way of training yourself to deal with the world? It always seems more daunting than it is. ALWAYS.

My heart really goes out to you.. I think you have a lot of friends on here who do care about you so.. I think you should think about that.

[lizardlady]

DIMF, I'm in a pretty ugly mood tonight myself. I understand being hurt, frustrated, stressed angry and wanting to lash out. I would love to rip someone's head off tonight and shout down the hole. The problem with doing that is that I would just create more stress, anger and frustration for myself.

I'm sorry you feel folks at PC don't care. I'd beg to differ. Look at the responses you got in the cat humor thread when you said you wished you had a cat to hug. Members offered you hugs. Folks, here do care about you, but some times it's hard to see people care about us when we are hurting.

May I ask what's causing your current pain? Sorry if you posted it and I missed it. Over the weekend you seemed fairly happy, or at least content, with life. What happened?

This may piss you off, but I'm going to chime in with those who said money doesn't buy happiness. It doesn't make people like us either. They might act like they like you, but they are just out to get something from you. That said, I've been in situations in life where I wondered how I was going to pay my bills, worried about losing the place where I lived. It's not a good place to be. That kind of stress makes it hard to enjoy life. Still, money and "stuff" don't fill us up. That sense of self-worth has to come from within.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Hi Darkness, I am sorry I didn't see this earlier. I think something screwed up with the connection in some weird way when we had a storm blow thru here last night. I am finding all sorts of posts that it never showed from earlier than ones I responded to already being listed as "new".

Anyway, I think (at least I hope) you already know that you mean a lot to me. I know you don't truly want to hold down that path you keep talking about. I also know it's probably the one you learned because of the childhood you had. Most likely you felt you would be alone forever and need to support yourself by whatever means possible. Now though, you are starting to see that doesn't necessarily have to be true. You get scared and frustrated though when things hit a glitch or roadblock. Especially if nobody is there to help you with it quick enough. That's understandable. This is all new territory.

*hugs*

What triggered you?

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Since I don't know what you are talking about I would say.. go for it. I mean seriously. As long as it is legal.

To clarify, what I was referring to is called "Black Hat Internet Marketing" which is legal for the most part and extremely profitable, but a bit on the unethical side.

An common example would be those free iPad sites that used to flood the internet. Yes, they would send you a free iPad, but not after manipulating you into giving your data to them so they can sell it to other companies for a profit and getting you to install adware onto your computer (which is legal if the person consents to having it installed), which would in turn data mine everything that you do and sell the info to advertising companies or do other things.

Another example would be building a web site that is built to make ad revenue and siphoning traffic from your competitors (I won't go into detail here because there are a lot of ways to do this and I'm too tired to try to explain it).

Yet another example, and something that a guy in my web development class admitted to helping somebody do, is to get a bunch of throwaway Facebook accounts and then get an Amazon Associates affiliate account which pays you anywhere from 10 cents to a couple dollars for a customer to buy their products through your link and write a PHP script to spam all of the Facebook accounts and make the product data appear to be yours and then use the throwaway Facebook accounts to advertise in Facebook groups that are interested in the particular niche of products that you are "selling". This method could even be twisted further by including your own products or another companies that you become affiliated with.

There are many other twists to these methods and many other methods that I haven't began to talk about. Things like this, I am more than willing to do to get ahead in life because it makes more money and is easier to do than working a regular job or running a regular business. After all, I have suffered and struggled enough in life and I feel like I shouldn't have to any more.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

*hugs*

What triggered you?

Talking about this further serves no purpose beings I already branded myself a conman to the entire PC community by making this thread and I might just close my PC account to preserve my reputation in case I become successful and piss somebody off and they find a way to link this account to me.

With that being said, since a number of people asked me this, I will give a response:

A combination of things. Having to take off work to make it to see my case manager all over a stupid treatment plan update just so I can receive the last two months of my housing grant only for her to not be there. I then went to school to study but got overwhelmed and frustrated with my work because I am so bored with what I'm doing and have been lacking the motivation to get it done and procrastinating and getting behind. I also found out that they were giving everybody in the part of the school that I work at free snacks through email so I felt left out. I then have to deal with being triggered every day I go there by all of these happy young adults getting along well and these attractive females with guys and that sort of thing.

The one thing that most of my triggers have in common? Freaking buses. It doesn't help the fact that people in this thread keep telling me that I am avoiding learning how to drive. It's easy for them to say because I am willing to bet $1000 that everybody who has said that here has had somebody to help them somehow when they were learning. Driver's ed is freaking expensive and I just got my first paycheck last week which went to buying a laptop for school since I'm a web development major and all and buying groceries. I am not made of money and I won't be able to afford driver's ed until sometime next month whenever I get my disbursement from financial aid.

It must be nice for people to judge me in this thread when these same people have either had people actually help them somehow or they live somewhere where disability support doesn't suck, unlike me who has been pretty much all alone.

So to sum this all up: I can't manage all of this stress and I'm overwhelmed. I can't see myself living like this for the next 2-3 years just to finish a college degree that nobody will care about when there are easier alternatives. Why should I continue to be this miserable when it is the fault of my mother, this failed mental health system, and society in general that I turned out the way I am? Any opportunity to minimize my own suffering I am taking, even if I have to outsource my suffering to people who are much better off than I am.

Oh and for people who keep saying that money doesn't buy happiness, here is one of the many articles backed by actual scientific research that say otherwise:

https://www.wsj.com/articles/can-mon...say-1415569538

What many of these articles have in common is their explanation that spending money of things like experiences or obtaining more free time to do what you enjoy do buy happiness. In addition, this article in particular states that happiness in a household rises up until an approximate annual household income of $75,000.

Feel free to do the research yourself.

[pegasus]

Not judging you at all, trying desperately to help you. And please don't assume I've had it better than you, you have no idea of my life experiences or circumstances.

Regarding money - You can find links to back up anything these days. I was giving you my personal experiences regarding happiness, success and not needing to be rich.

Choosing the path of being a hacker, well do you realise how many lives you can ruin with that and can you live with yourself doing that?

I hope you think this through some more, you are a valued person here with many friends, that must mean something to you. Or is the call of money and illegal activity that much more appealing to you?

I do wish you luck and hope you'll choose a better path.

Originally Posted by pegasus

Regarding money - You can find links to back up anything these days. I was giving you my personal experiences regarding happiness, success and not needing to be rich.

Choosing the path of being a hacker, well do you realise how many lives you can ruin with that and can you live with yourself doing that?

I hope you think this through some more, you are a valued person here with many friends, that must mean something to you. Or is the call of money and illegal activity that much more appealing to you?

I do wish you luck and hope you'll choose I better path.

All people are different. What one person might find happiness from, other people might find misery from. I personally can't be happy living a normal life and working a regular job because the only things in this world that bring me any joy at all are technology and video games. Without either, I am utterly miserable. Being a geek and gamer costs money and working a regular job that doesn't pertain to those things takes up time that I could be spending doing what I enjoy.

You do realize that I lost the ability to feel empathy for the vast majority of humanity long ago right? I am numb to these types of feelings now and I doubt that therapy could help heal my emptiness that contributes to this. Even if therapy could heal me, I can't get to a therapist until I get a license and a car and therapy takes a lot of time to show results so if I started therapy and fully committed to it, I probably wouldn't be able to change for a few years or more at least, which feels like an eternity to me.

I doubt that I'm valued here. Even so, it's not like any people here or anywhere else would care about somebody like me that can't feel anything for people anymore. I want to bond with people but I simply don't know how anymore. I guess I do value other people here which might be why I am revealing this part of me; I don't want to hurt people who have actually been good to me but I see no other way for me to be happy but to go down this path because I can't be happy living how I am. Oh and I didn't say I was going to be breaking the law.

Thanks and I'm sorry. Maybe if you met me 3-5 years ago, you would have liked me. I've changed too much since then and as such, I don't think any human has the capacity to sate the emptiness inside of me.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Just for the record. If you leave, you will be missed by at least one - me.

You ask why would anyone care?
Because you are worthy of being cared about. You are a good person at your core. You have your faults, yes, but we all do.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that.

[Artchic528]

I, too, will miss you if you leave. That makes two who will.

[reb569]

Darkness -- I care about you. I like you. I can also understand feeling unwanted, not liked, out-of-place. I have never done well is social situations, have always felt like the odd one out, never quite belonging in any particular group. I started college when I was 29. I had hopes of fitting into a group, but soon realized that really wasn't going to happen for me. I did communicate with certain people about classes, assignments etc to some extent, but when the class was over they went off to join their group and I went off on my own. I learned to accept it, although even now, at 55 years old I sometimes feel that twinge of loneliness when I see groups of people together. Regardless, I know that if I was in a similar group that I wouldn't feel like I really belong and would be anxious and stressed.

For the most part I have accepted this. It's not easy to do. But accepting it is not the only way to work through it. Therapy can help, and I realize that is not feasible for you now, but maybe in the future it will fit in for you. I never started therapy until just over a year ago. A huge mistake for me, I should have done it a long time ago. I'm so set in my ways that I'm not sure I can change now.

You will find your path, but it will be rocky. It seems to me that handling of stress would be something for you to work on, something that you can do without the help of a therapist. I highly recommend relaxation music and other grounding techniques. It may not work for you, but it can't hurt to try. You can find videos on You Tube for free or download music from Amazon for a couple bucks and give it a try.

In a way it's good that you come on here and vent. Your getting that frustration out and not internalizing it as much. Maybe that combined with some relaxation music, grounding techniques will help you get through this challenging time. I do think if you don't get that degree, you will regret it someday.

Hang in there.

[Sunflower123]

I've hesitated weighing in here because in the past (and I can't remember the specific post), I tried to be supportive and you bit my head off. I'm hearing a lot of pain coming through in your messages and wish I could give you a big hug. I don't think deep down you really want to be a con man and I think you have a conscience and are a nice person. I hope you'll stay on PC. People care. I care. If you notice almost all your previous posts have hugs from me. I mean them. I wish you well and hope you come to a decision that brings you peace and healing. Sending big hugs.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I've hesitated weighing in here because in the past (and I can't remember the specific post), I tried to be supportive and you bit my head off. I'm hearing a lot of pain coming through in your messages and wish I could give you a big hug. I don't think deep down you really want to be a con man and I think you have a conscience and are a nice person. I hope you'll stay on PC. People care. I care. If you notice almost all your previous posts have hugs from me. I mean them. I wish you well and hope you come to a decision that brings you peace and healing. Sending big hugs.

I'm sorry about that.

I honestly don't know what I want to do at this point. I am so confused about everything and so overwhelmed with life. On one hand, I feel like I would benefit not coming on here anymore and using that time to study and learn new tech knowledge or ideas that are relevant to my goals. On the other hand, I might be hurting myself further along with other people here. IDK...

One thing is for certain though: I crave human connection. Something as simple as a hug I would give anything for at this point. I just want people to accept me. I have been fighting my whole life just to achieve some form of happiness but I don't think I can do this on my own much longer. Life is too overwhelming for me.

If I don't do my shady little business ventures that I was talking about in an earlier post, than I might as well just focus on my license and then maybe buy a van and live in it so I don't have to work and can instead focus on building my knowledge and living off plasma money and leftover FAFSA money. At least I could get a gaming laptop and have my precious games.

In the meantime, it might be wise for me to request a temporary suspend on my account until I figure out things. Maybe I can come back when I'm more level headed and not making threads like this anymore. Maybe I will be less stressed when I get my license and a vehicle so I don't have to deal with the buses. Maybe I can drop a class that starts later this semester so that I can optimize my schedule better. IDK...

I am just going to skip school today to recharge though. I need to get my plasma done and I have some testing to go up there to do but that's all that I'm doing. I'm skipping my second class because all they are doing there is going over stuff that is already in my textbook. I need a break from all of this.

[Turtle_Rider]

Hello. I care about you too.

I'm sorry that you feel ignored. I'm sorry to say this too. I see your posts a lot, I read your thoughts. I mostly don't reply because.. honestly you're type that can't take criticism well. When you disagree, you'll bite. That's why I prefer to stay silent, unless it is the posts that I can agree with your opinion.

I understand when you're like this, you're under heavy pressure. I don't mind to listen to your rant, only please don't bite. Maybe you're don't like our opinion, yeah everyone have different perspective. It's up to you to accept it or not. But we mean no harm, you don't have to fight back.

You always wish to be villain mastermind, but honestly what is seen is someone portray to be evil to hide his frustration.. I see your effort to change for better. Changing is frustating, I know. I don't know will this help, but when you're on brink to give up, remember back why you are there. Remember that you've been halfway, you don't want to waste the effort that has been given. Remember that everything will pass.

I don't want to argue, even through probably you will bite me after this post. Remember that I do care.

Originally Posted by Turtle_Rider

Hello. I care about you too.

I'm sorry that you feel ignored. I'm sorry to say this too. I see your posts a lot, I read your thoughts. I mostly don't reply because.. honestly you're type that can't take criticism well. When you disagree, you'll bite. That's why I prefer to stay silent, unless it is the posts that I can agree with your opinion.

I understand when you're like this, you're under heavy pressure. I don't mind to listen to your rant, only please don't bite. Maybe you're don't like our opinion, yeah everyone have different perspective. It's up to you to accept it or not. But we mean no harm, you don't have to fight back.

You're right. I don't handle criticism well at all; especially from people on the internet who know very little about me personally. I take the criticism that I receive here as personal attacks on myself as a person or judgements directed towards me. I don't meant to be like this; I just am.

Honestly, I've been told in the past that I am rather intimidating. I am a direct, to the point type person IRL who doesn't sugar coat things and doesn't believe in small talk. I tell things like they are and I don't take people's feelings into consideration. In fact, I used to have a saying: "I ain't a therapist so it isn't my job to care about your feelings". This personality of mine combined for my penchant towards wearing all black and always having a stoic look on my face might be off putting to people... IDK

Regardless, I will try to do better. I can't make any promises that I will be successful because when I get into one of my moods, I don't hold back. It's hard for me to change on my own with nobody to guide me so we will see what happens.

No promises.