Self-Perception, how well do you really know yourself?

Once again, I find myself asking that question. I seem to find a reason to reflect on things that have been said to me in the past. Things that were nice, things that were bad, things I can't even minutely comprehend.

I HATE myself and have for as far back as I can remember but even with that I do *think* (maybe I'm delusional) that maybe, just maybe, I might have one or two good qualities. But I always override them with my extreme self-loathing. But what really bothers me is when people accuse me of being some negative way that surprisingly enough I haven't attributed to myself already, in spite of my self-hatred. It's not that I've heard these things from only one person, if I had, maybe I could possibly pass it off, but when you hear it from a few or more, it makes me stop and wonder, how well do I *really* know myself. Do I do the horrible things that I'm so often accused of, I must or else why would I keep hearing it? It hurts that I need to add them to the already long list of reasons of why I self-loathe but maybe I shouldn't be ignoring them anymore. If people see me that way, then it must be true. Maybe I've been delusional of what kind of person I really am, even though I already hate myself. If they are true, and now I think they must be, then I'm far worse a person than I even thought I was. That hurts, it really, really hurts. I hated myself enough before and now I have to hate myself even more. How did I not recognize myself to be that way, why could I not see it. I've always been so willing to think the worst of myself but somehow I never believed them before. I guess I have to really take heed of them though, all those more horrible attributes that I don't want to believe could ever be me. They so go against who I really thought I was as a person but all this time I've been wrong, I've been fooling myself. But they all can't be wrong, it must be only me that is wrong, I never really ever knew myself at all.

So, I ask you do you think you really know who you are? This is not a thread to tell me I'm this wonderful person that I know I'm not, I wouldn't believe your words anyway. It's also not to get hugs, this is really not about me at all. I'll accept all those horrible things that I've often been accused of, I'll hate myself even more. But this is a thread only to find out, do you really think you know who you are? Do people say negative things about you that you don't want to believe but yet you hear those accusations so much? Just curious. Please, I only use myself as an example, keep your replies about yourselves and not about me. I don't deserve anything anyway. Your good words and hugs will all be wasted, I won't accept them and they won't penetrate to my heart and soul. I want to hear about you and you only.

I get really, really confused about myself. Sometimes I believe I am a good person, because my intentions are in the right place. But sometimes I think I'm terrible and selfish and worthless. Sometimes I think that I'm really smart and very competent and responsible, sometimes I think I'm a flake and too unstable emotionally to even have friends.

It's a real roller coaster with me. I'm never quite sure what to believe about myself. So I can relate to what you're saying here, AngelGirl.

I think alot of people can relate to how both of you feel.

As for me, sometimes I think I have myself "pegged" but then something new arises and it just seems to overwhelm the mind.

I know I can't be all bad, but I feel that way alot. I hate myself, though alot of people depend on me and I know THEY love me, I feel stupid but am really pretty smart (I.Q. 136) I think I'm too emotionally based sometimes and instead of using my brain, I go with my emotions, which is good but sometimes makes me look like a complete idiot! I'm scatterbrained one minute and then can give an hour long speech on a subject that interests me.

I have emotional disconnections that I go through. I feel myself dissociate and it's like I can't stop it, but it's always around the same people. I can be in a really great mood and then run into the mother and then it's the bottom of the pit for me..for no other reason than being around her makes me feel terrible. Maybe I have a personality disorder.

And...needless to say, I ramble alot

take care

Hi Angel,

That was a useful post.

This is how I see it. When we have been rubbished over and over and over, from when we were so small we can't even remember it - we get this deep belief that we are special.

We believe that we are special in a BAD way and we cling to that belief like it's a poison teddy bear.

We think that we have to be perfect so that people won't see how specially BAD we are. Well it's not true. We are just like all the rest of the people, maybe a bit better because we are so careful to be careful.

Nobody on the planet is as bad as we make ourselves believe we are, they just couldn't keep it up.

I dump the illusion and it crawls back and I dump it again and that's how it goes on. With every good thing I do, every smile, every helpful post here, I dump the illusion.

That's how it is for me. Thanks for giving me a chance to spit that out.

Cheers, Myzen.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I have emotional disconnections that I go through. I feel myself dissociate and it's like I can't stop it, but it's always around the same people. I can be in a really great mood and then run into the mother and then it's the bottom of the pit for me..for no other reason than being around her makes me feel terrible.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi ktp,

I do the '"the" thing as well. In my case it's "the" birth family.

Thank goodness there are some people who can relate to me, and who can show their love for me.

Cheers, Myzen.

i don't know how to answer this...

there is so much about myselves that i can't see or know about i have no choice but to believe comments that ppl say to me because i don't have that insight if someone tells me that i called them a bad name and am mean, i have to believe it. if someone tells me i'm a nut because they're talking about the movie "i" saw last nite and don't remember, i have to believe them. it's so hard.

but, for self protection i consider the source and they "place" that they're in when they say something to me. i SO wish i had the insight to answer this question...negatively or positively.

but, generally speaking, i do hate "self" for many reasons, and believe what ppl say about me to be true, even the ugly stuff...especially the ugly stuff. there are few core things that i know about self that cannot be negotiated, and 100 ppl could tell me the opposite and i won't believe them. these things include: i would never hurt a child. ok, well i guess there's one core thing...lol.

i hope that made some sense. i think i was all over the place on this one...sorry.

be safe.

kd

Hi Angel --

Of course we all have blind spots. So that's one way that we don't know ourselves as well as we might like.

It can also be hard to predict how our behaviors may affect someone else -- and that can bounce back to slap us on the arse.

There is a 3rd explanation for the remarks of people who tell us new ways that we are bad, inadequate, etc.

Often we with low self-esteem have been trying very hard to please others. When we finally speak up for ourselves, take care of ourselves, set a boundary -- we inconvenience those who have gotten used to taking advantage of us. Then we are accused of being selfish, mean, etc. It's really their problem, not ours though.

well said, wants2. t keeps reminding me of that...and i've gone thru quite a bit of that in the last 6 mos. or so. thanks for the reminder that i needed to hear once again.

kd

There are days when I believe I know us very well. There are others when I feel I am totally clueless. The strange thing is that both are right. Considering everything I am pretty aware of what is going on in my head and my life. However, there is just no way to predict what tomorrow will bring.

I know what the weaknesses are. They are many and I don't accept them as just part of life. I want them corrected...all of them. I understand this is unrealistic but it is what I work towards.

In my life, as an adult, there is no one whose opinion I respect who provides negative comments. Most comments are positive. I find that these comments are harder to accept than the negative ones were as a child.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
There are days when I believe I know us very well. There are others when I feel I am totally clueless. The strange thing is that both are right. Considering everything I am pretty aware of what is going on in my head and my life. However, there is just no way to predict what tomorrow will bring.

I know what the weaknesses are. They are many and I don't accept them as just part of life. I want them corrected...all of them. I understand this is unrealistic but it is what I work towards.

In my life, as an adult, there is no one whose opinion I respect who provides negative comments. Most comments are positive. I find that these comments are harder to accept than the negative ones were as a child.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You say that you don't respect those who give negative comments but what if there have been many who have all said the same thing? Can I continue to live in denial. Surely, they all can't be wrong? Besides, when you already hate yourself as much as I do, then what's another 3 or 4 reasons to add onto the already substantial negative things about oneself. I was obviously clinging to the hope that they were all wrong when all along, it was me. I need to accept myself for who I really am, with ALL my faults, even if some of them are really hard to imagine. But in the end, it's still self-hatred, it's just more reasons to hate myself. Doesn't make much difference in the end anyway.

It's all subjective, right? People think a lot of things about me based on what I look like, talk, act and like. Once they get to know me they realize different and closer to what it probably is. But sometimes they never do. In life you have to be prepared for that. People will think things about you, their perception is based on their experiences.

I'm negative, slightly condescending, sarcastic and offending at times. I can either be a bitter person if you're on that side, or if you get to know me a loving and cuddly person until provoked.

We don't always see ourselves clearly, so it's useful to reality check with people, but don't take all of what they say to heart because they may see the image of you undistorted like ourselves distort it, but they can't see deep inside you like you can.

*hug* I deal with self hatred a lot too, so I know where you're coming from and the advice anyone gives will be hard to really take to heart. I hope you can though. ^_^ Be happy? Maybe what they say is true, now you can work to fix it.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

Often we with low self-esteem have been trying very hard to please others. When we finally speak up for ourselves, take care of ourselves, set a boundary -- we inconvenience those who have gotten used to taking advantage of us. Then we are accused of being selfish, mean, etc. It's really their problem, not ours though.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Wants,

That's a good perception. I'm going to keep it.

Cheers, Myzen

I think there can be some truth of what others see in us that we are faiing to see ourselves, but sometimes I think that other person(s) haven't really taken the opportunity to *really* to get to know us at all and jump to the wrong conclusions. Although, I can readily pile on a few more negative traits, sometimes I really don't think they are warranted.

I've always hated myself, I don't remember a time when I didn't. I also think I know myself well, unfortunately this only exacerbates the problem.

I think I stink... everyone else thinks I'm awesome...

I never knew what it's like to like myself. There have been times where I've been concentrating on something to where I lose my self consciousness. No sooner does that happen when something knocks me back down hard. It happens every time. And when ever I make the slightest mistake like dropping something on the floor for example, my mind says "You stupid @^-#!*" "You can't do anything right!"

I know that feeling Guy *hugs*

I've just seen the most interesting quote in another unrelated forum. - Quote: A failure is an event, never a person. - I don't know who originated that but it makes you think.

On the subject of dropping things:

I used to hang out with a lot of heavy drinkers in the tabloid newspaper biz. At a big party, a glass slipped from my hand and shattered on the cement tile floor.

The conversations of a few hundred people came to an absolute halt. Silence. Gulp.

I was chatting with an an older Aussie guy, and I said something like, "OMG, everyone stopped talking to look at me."

"Not at all, my dear," he said. "They're checking to see if it's their drink that fell on the floor." What an old smoothie!

But to tie this back to the forum -- it's probably true that people are most always so concerned with their own flaws, failures, and foibles that they have no time for ours.

I can relate to all of this - I have had a problem with dissociation for years, sometimes totally out of my body watching me do something. I have felt I was not worthy of life for so long that the other day my T gave me a LONG speech on how if I don't change my mind about who I really am that I was not going to survive (I had told him my plans but had promised him not to do it without telling him - but I had gone so far down and hated myself so much that I was planning on doing it anyway without telling him , breaking my word to him). His talk helped. He gave me an assignment - to write down what qualities I feel make a person a "good" person. So I wrote down everything I could think of and when I took them to him he looked them over and said every single one of them described me. I still can't see it - but I know the assignment helped me in some deep way I cannot describe and for the first time I don't feel like killing myself. I still am not afraid of dying - but I no longer hate myself enough to do it to myself. But, then, this is where I am at this moment - half an hour from now I may be back down. I think I know myself pretty well but with blinders on when I am depressed. When I am out of depression, even for a short time, I realize that I am a pretty good person. I care about other people, animals, the environment and I respect other people's rights for their own opinions even if I don't agree with them. So my answer, boiled down, is, when I have the depression under control I know myself pretty well - and when I am depressed I have a false sense of how "bad" I am, how unworthy of love or praise. At those times I am a 3 year old child, hiding under the bed where my mommie can't find me and hurt me. I did not mean to ramble on so much...

You know, I thought that little quote that I found was kind of unique and I'm a little surprised there were no comments. I guess if someone else had shared this, it would have gotten some attention.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
A failure is an event, never a person.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think it's a great quote, Guy. I have the same problem with revelations I have or with some great learning experience. I'll post it, but very few respond to it. My gut feeling is that it may be too positive for most people. Too many don't want to hear it because their disease has them in such a negative state of mind. It really is frustrating!

There's an article that I have posted several time that was written by my T. It's something she taught me about setting boundaries. It's been on the front page of whatever thread I've posted it and there are still people that won't read it. They'd rather post about their problem. Maybe you say they have blinders on. I don't know.

I'm tempted to post it again in this thread because it deals so much with what the original post was. You don't HAVE to accept the negative things that people tell you. Like my hubby told me once; if you hear ONE negative statement and TEN positive statements, what you're going to remember is that one negative and you'll swear no one ever said anything positive. It's the truth. You'll accept the negative before you'll accept the positive.

Don't feel bad. The most important person that needs to believe your quote is YOU.

Ok... I twisted my own arm to make myself post this again. Hope someone gets something good out of it.

<font color="blue">Beauty Is In The "I"

There is much talk today about boundaries, personal power and positive affirmations. Core to these aspects of personal awareness is the "I" statement. Whether in conversation with another or as part of the self-talk (our internal running commentary on what we are doing or what we perceive others as doing),** the "I" is critical to boundary clarification and personal empowerment. This article will address the role of the "I" in boundary clarification.

For a moment, close your eyes and imagine your boundary. It should encircle you and separate you from the "outside world." Everything inside of the boundary is YOU, everything outside is OTHER. Inside the boundary are all the aspects of Self that defines YOU as a unique individual. YOU are defined by your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, beliefs, loves and passions. The many aspects of Self are owned by the word "I" and when communicated, allows Others to know something about who you are. When you tell someone "I want..." "I need..." or "I feel..." you are sharing pieces of who you are with them. "I" statements are uniquely yours, and reflect values and aspects of the self that may or may not be shared by those around you.

Boundaries can be thought of as firm yet flexible. Your boundary moves with you and is selectively "permeable." You are in charge of what you allow into your boundary. If something comes at you that you agree with or fits your experience of yourself, you can choose to allow it in and incorporate it into your "I" messages and self-talk. If, however, something is not a part of you or is not true for you, you can choose to leave it outside of your boundary.

Many of us struggle with "You" statements or critical comments that may be thrown our way. Often, people share with me their deep hurt from what others say or think. They have not developed an internal mechanism for disarming these potentially toxic messages.

If you remember that your boundary is in your control, you can choose to let other's thoughts and opinions stay outside. Their negative statements are not automatically "Yours." If they are not brought in and owned bye the "I" they remain in the real of the "Other." You do not have to take them on. If someone pays you a compliment, you can choose to take it in, but it is still about the other. If I say I like something about you, I am telling you something about my preferences, values or opinions. If I tell you that I hate the same thing, I am still telling you something about me.

Remembering that other's opinions tell us something a bout them, not about us, is very important! When we are children, we learn much of who we are by what others tell us about ourselves. Hopefully, the messages have been positive. However, it is more commonly true that we hear critical and toxic messages that we internalize and make part of our own self-talk. As an adult, being aware of these critical messages, and making the choice to re-evaluate whether the messages are Yours, or belong in the realm of the Other, allows you to begin the process of changing your old self-talk into new empowering, nurturing messages. It is the first step toward defusing and disowning a message that has no place in your repertoire of self-talk.

"You" messages usually are inherently boundary violations. No one else can tell us what we think or fell, though often Others will try to do this very thing. You are the only one living in your body, and the only one who can report to an Other what you think of feel. Others can ask, they may assume, but they cannot KNOW until we tell them with our "I" statements.

It is important for us to take note of how we think and feel about the many choices we face daily. If we become captive to everyone else's ideas as to what we should or should not do, we lose our sense of who we are. The boundary blurs and we will not differentiate who we are from others around us.

So, remember to visualize your boundary. You have control over it. It belongs to you. What is inside is YOU, what is outside is OTHER. Everything inside composes the "I" and who you are. This is dynamic and growing as each day brings new awareness and insight. Living with the "I" keep your boundary clear and the Self empowered.
_______________________________________________________________

Sheila K. McHenry Worman, Psy D., MFCC

**Self-talk: (we’ve talked about this before) it’s not only the running commentary that Dr. Worman speaks about, but more importantly, our own self-judgement and names we call ourselves. These can be names we were called as kids by our school mates, siblings and even our parents and family. When you accidentally drop something, do you call yourself a klutz? When you make a mistake, do you call yourself a dummy or stupid or say “I can’t ever do anything right!”? (Black or white, all-or-nothing thinking.) My personal favorite is “You stupid s---!” Don’t no one else call me that or you might find your head rolling on the ground! So what am I doing to myself, huh? We all do it.

My ex used to tease me when I was having panic attacks really bad. I just knew I was dying! He told me that the epitaph on my headstone should be “See? I told you I was sick!” LOL Looking back, I remember sitting at my dressing table getting ready to go somewhere and telling myself “I’m scared! I don’t want to go!” Had I known what I was doing to myself, I would have changed that to “I’m excited! This is going to be FUN!” But I managed to convince myself I was scared. Negative thoughts, phrases and feelings sneak in or are fed to us and before we know it, we’re repeating them over and over to ourselves and we believe it.

It’s not only self-talk that’s defeating. With our actions as well as our own words, we project to others what we think of ourselves. We repeat it over and over here on the board, as well. We close our mind to the positive things we hear about ourselves, the compliments we’re paid, the strengths others see in us, throw the compliments back in the face of those who offer them by denying what they say and go back to repeating the negative in our minds.

So what’s the antidote to all the negative stuff we’ve been feeding ourselves?? Exactly the opposite!! We need to start our day by looking at ourselves in the mirror and say “I am... intelligent. I am... graceful. I am... loving. I am... caring. I am... generous. I am... in control. I am... full of peace. I am... enough. I am... responsible only for my own feelings.” and anything else we need to tell ourselves in order to counter all the negative junk. We needn’t feel discouraged. Look at all the years it took us to program ourselves to be the way we are now! Many of us had help from our family of origin, from "friends" in school, etc. It will take a while to counter that, but it CAN be done!</font>

That is a great article, September Morn. I am printing it to take to my T. And Isolated Guy - that is also something worth sharing and I am going to add it to my personal favorite quotes in my computer. Thank you both!

I really don't think you didn't get the response you wanted because *you* posted it.

Personally, I thought it was a good statement...but also something I've been saying for a while. I think the statement is sooooooo true. Hubby's t has been trying to get him to think like that for a while. (He's a bit stubborn.)

Plus, once a person has been programmed to think a certain way (like someone who thinks no one likes them... ) it takes a loooooooooong time to rewrite that inner monologue.

Just wanted to let you know, I read your post, and just because not a lot of people replied doesn't mean you weren't right or valid.

My personal favorite saying is, "Don't put yourself down, there are enough other people that will do it for you." Something else to think about.