[Isolated_Guy]

Hi everyone. I just discovered this forum. I'm a 42 year old male who lives a life of isolation because of the way I look. I've had depression since I was about 12 and I will not take prescription meds. I am getting some relief from my alternative supplements. For those who say looks don't matter, my life experience says otherwise. Because of my unattractive appearance, I've never even known the touch of a woman and it's not for lack of trying. I used to be more social until I was about 35 or so. That's when I just gave up and decided to avoid people as much as possible in order to stop the pain of rejection. I can't look people in the eyes unless I'm talking to them. I still have two good friends I've known since I was much younger but they live in New Jersey and I live in Florida and I don't hear from them that often. People don't seem to even give me the chance to get to know me and just making friends is virtually impossible. I think I am a good person inside but it's frustrating to feel on one want's to get to know me. No matter what people say or "want" to believe, looks matter much more than we would like to think. What makes a person attractive is very objective. This eye of the beholder notion only goes so far and hasn't applied to me. I don't blame everything on my looks but it is an obvious disadvantage in many areas of life. ........ Gary

[h0kie]

Welcome to the forums Gary!

The people here are great. They are truly the most compassionate, non-judgemental group of people I have met in a long time.

I would have to agree with a lot of what you say. As much as people say otherwise, in American society, looks are very important. Many people make snap judgements based on first impressions/appearances. Which means those of us who aren't as "beautiful" as society deems necessary have to work extra hard.

It's hard for "beautiful people" to understand but many do. I was dead set against seeing the movie Shallow Hal...but I eventually caught it on cable and I really liked it. I loved how it showed what people looked like on the inside.

Anyway...I'm babbling! Welcome again!

[Isolated_Guy]

Thank you, 1dayatatime. BTW, I really like your signature. This issue is not unique to American society. It's the way nature made us. I think people are in kind of a "politically correct" denial in saying it's shallow. The women friend's I've had all told me how looks aren't important but when it came down to the men who THEY picked, it was another story. We're only human and life isn't always fair.

[jetblackaura]

Welcome Gary,

You will like it here, everybody is very nice and friendly, and understanding!

I'm sorry that you've had a good time but maybe you will get some good advice here and get your self confidence back up!

Claire

[(JD)]

Gary I think you look just fine! LOL Welcome to psychcentral. You've come to a good place in your life.

The support you will receive here will give you back some of that confidence you had to be 3D with ppl. I'm sorry you feel your looks keep ppl away. I don't let looks affect me, and seek to find the good in everyone I meet. It wasn't obvious to me that I do this, but I learned it years ago when doing seminars, my friend would always tell me, now so and so needs more this.. or that person that.. and even if she described them physically, I had no clue... color, scars, moles nope... I didn't see them. I'd like for you to find ppl like that. . . those who seek the beauty within ppl. You'll find some members here just like that!

[snowflake_48888]

Welcome Gary! It is so true how society places so much on looks and beauty. Contrary to what we want to believe, most of society chooses things by looks. We sell, promote and show with beauty, but what they don't say is that beauty on the outside will someday fade. I believe that beauty does come from within. I have tried to teach my children this, but I don't think that at their age they believe me. I hope that someday they understand and find the true meaning of beauty. I have had dates with guys who have made me feel ugly and undesirable. Even to this day at times those words come to my head that they said to me. It is hard to keep your confidence up when you get feelings of insecurities like this.

On a lighter note, my son lives in Florida, but in the Cape Coral area. He has been there for two years and loves it. He was home for Christmas and hated the cold. (Michigan). I am hoping to visit there again in Feb or March. (crossing fingers)

I think you will find many people here who are supportive and helpful. I know I have!

Once again, welcome to the forum Gary!
Darlene

[colors]

Hi Gary,

Welcome!

Sorry to hear your feeling down.

Don't know what you look like, so I can't offer any suggestions on appearances. Are you maybe looking in the wrong places for acceptance? I mean are you into the club scene or something similar? They are such cold places to begin with. People who only think about appearances are really not even worth a relationship anyway.

Hope you stay and continue to post, so we can get to know you.

Colors

[darkeyes]

Hi there
Welcome to the forums.
Would it be too personal to ask you what it is that makes you feel un attractive? Most of us have imperfections, physical and/or psychological, but I would find things very dull if everyone was picture perfect, there are things about me that I can afford to change but refuse to, want to keep my "character", things that make me "me".
I have a less than perfect nose but will not change the shape, I have pock marks from teenage acne, and reluctant to have surgery to remove them, I've gotten by this far in life, finding out that some people have found me attractive just the way I am and then there will always be the others that feel different, I have learned to say the hell with it, life is not a beauty contest as far as I am concerned, the main thing I do not like and work hard at it is my shape, you know that mid life deamon.
From personal experience I feel meds do help with depression besides new mindset(s) on life.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, I am sure deep inside you are a beautiful person that needs to loosen up about the outer shell thing.
This takes some work on your part and it can be difficult, but try it, look deep within yourself, explore different talents, maybe art, poetry, music, photography, this helps unlock the true you, expressing what really helps others to see who you are while teaching you there is so much more in life than society's shallow "beauty contest"
I am glad you have come here, and wish for you to talk here, make friends, the people here are so compassionate and supportive.
This place has been my little refuge, especially when my world gets ugly, the people here are like a big family, so hang around and feel free to chat with us.
I see people through their goodness, not their looks, in fact my husband can't understand how people I meet men and woman that maybe scarred, white hair, and maybe a little kooky can be attractive in my eyes, no "pretty boys" for me, ha!ha! But that is me

Take care now,

Sincerely,
DE

[Isolated_Guy]

"What is it that makes me feel unattractive?" ....... Not even ONCE ever having a woman show interest in me, not even any who I wasn't interested in either. Over the years, I've put myself out there in every possible situation where people meet (I'm now 42). For many years, I even worked behind the bar and I was actually as outgoing as the other bartenders. It just frustrated me to see my co workers having the women show all that interest in them and giving them phone numbers etc while I got nothing. I was even "let go" from a job because I was told I didn't have the right "appearance" and that was the only reason. I've lost count of how many times I've heard people make bad comments on my looks, either near me or to my face. The best way to describe my appearance is that I have a "dull" looking face and my head is bigger than it should be in proportion to my body and it sticks forward from my long neck. I simply have no physical sex appeal. Now, everything you've all said about inner qualities counting the most is true but only AFTER two people meet in the first place. <font color="red">My point is that</font> there has to be at least some INITIAL physical attraction there. It's required in order for a person to allow that next and more important step (what's on the inside) to be discovered. If this is not possible (as in my case) what's on the inside will be irrelevant. The role of looks has been more than verified in many studies as well. The truth isn't as pretty as we try so hard to think it is. As beautiful as nature can be, it can also be cruel as well and we have to accept that. I do. Please don't take your ability to attract another person for granted! I would give anything to know what that is like.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome Gary I am so sorry for your pain and I hope you continue to post...

Bearhugs if ok,
Fuzzy

[_Fly]

Hello Gary --

Welcome to the forums. People here are loving and supportive, and ofen wise and intelligent and insightful and even funny. I hope you make new friends. Some tips I was given when I felt left out were to PM people &amp; to stop by the chat room now &amp; again.

I had a friend for 20 years, may he rest in peace, who was confined to a wheelchair with muscular dystrophy. He had a shrunken body. His head definitely was too big for that tiny frame. He had to lift a glass with two hands. Pretty women flocked to him, and men hung around him to learn his secret with women. It was pretty funny actually -- I'm sure the outside world thought that all these people were so nice to drop by Al's to cheer him up. But it was he who made others feel good about themselves by his wit and interesting mind and intense desire to be with people. He was a people person. Now, I'm considered fairly physically attractive -- in my youth, something of a babe. But I have suffered from depression all my life. I am an introvert -- and overly educated and intellectual, and sometimes, because of my upbringing, inflexible. So there you go -- I have a hard time making friends, but it's not because of my looks.

One place where I found a lot of acceptance was at a small storefront Science of Mind Church that I attended for many years. SOM and Unity are positive-thinking upbeat religious philosophies -- and I'm sure that many traditional churches have upbeat ministers and congregations, too.

If that is not your style, is there any other activity you might take up for socialization -- not necessarily to "hunt" women, but just to enjoy yourself? Politics? Parasailing? Chess? Whatever.

Coming here is a great start, though. I think these people may have saved my life. They sure helped.

(PS This is Wants2Fly -- had some login problems)

[nightdream]

First I'm going to say that I look like a wicked witch so I'm not talking about myself. ok

A physically beautiful person has also disanvantage. Often these persons will be look at only for their physical beauty and not for their heart beauty. They will attracked people that's for sure, but it is not in the way they always want.

So often people forget to look for the beauty of the heart when seeing someone but, here my friend, most of us look for that. That's what is important.

Online friendship can sometine turns into a treasure for us who isolate in our pain.

Sending love and hugs to you my dear friend!

nightdream

[krzyk101]

Welcome Gary,

Hope you continue to post and best of luch in working through your feelings of distress about your appearance. I have similar issues. Once again would just like to extend a Welcome to you..

[Snoozin]

Hi!

I just joined myself, but I see we have a lot in common. I've been told I was ugly since I was about 10 or so, mostly by my parents and brother, but it *does* stick. I'm really insecure in that area.

Anyway, one thing I've noticed about myself is I can look really *plain jane* if I don't put any effort into my looks. (Downright ugly sometimes in sweats and ponytail). But I can look fairly good if I do the following: 1) wear updated/stylish/figure appropriate clothes; 2) wear make-up; 3) have a super-fab (read expensive) haircut and style; and 4) get manicures/pedicures or at least keep hands looking decent. My imperfections (like weight issues/acne bad skin/plain face get hidden fairly well by being up-to-date style-wise and well groomed. In addition, when I've done all this stuff up, I feel really good about myself, and *that* attitude shows. And *that attitude* makes a person attractive.

My personal weakness in men is a really cool/modern hair style. If a guy is going bald, cut any remaining hair *really* short. And cologne. Ralph Lauren anything.... <font color="blue"> </font>

Do I wish I could look good just wearing sweats like so many women do? Heck yeah, but I don't. So I've got to put in extra effort.

As a woman, I can tell you first hand that looks matter somewhat, but they are not the be all/end all of a guy's attractiveness. I find a guy who is well groomed to be extremely attractive. OK? Keifer Sutherland is *not* that great looking, but he's sexy cuz he takes care of himself. Adam Sandler? Same thing. They don't have stereotypically handsome looks, but they still are.

I really do think that putting in some extra effort in your grooming and style habits will make you feel better about your looks. I think it's a 90% psychological boost, 10% *viewable* boost.

Hang in there. You sound really nice.

Susan

[Raynaadi]

heya gary and welcome. i'm pretty down myself right now, so i don't know if i'll say anything worth while, but i can tell you that the people here are great. i understand where you're coming from, and i have to say, shame on all the women you've met that haven't given you a chance. i've always been self conscious about my looks because i've never had the figure men want, or i assumed they want. my (ex?) bf was always going "oof" when a hot girl came on tv, and i finally had to tell him to tone it down. though i understood that he found those girls attractive, it made me realize that i am not. but he honestly doesn't see why i hate my body so much. he knows i'm overweight but he doesn't care. during our relationship, we had a lot of intimacy issues which were totally backward. he wanted me alll the time but my self image and past events killed any mood for me at all. and he just didn't get it. i got into such a slump, that makeup was non existant, my hair was always just shoved back, and i never bought any nice looking clothes. i would try to look a little better when we went out and i loved the reaction i would get from him. finally i decided that i was making myself hate my image even more, so i started making an effort to look nice every day. not all gussied up like when we went out, but just groomed and not sloppy. and it made me feel better. i tend to accentuate what i do like about myself. i have great hair, though it's thin and board strait, but i'm growing it long and leave it down more often. i also try to show off the bust line a little, since that is also a feature that's not bad. =) i don't really know what advice to give, but i know it's comforting for me to relate to people, so i thought i'd share a little about my self image too. hang in there and keep posting. drop by chat sometime too. we're usually totally silly in there, but we do get serious when it's needed. take care of you, glad you found us!

rayna

[Isolated_Guy]

Susan, your definition of unattractive is much different than what I'm talking about. If you think that applies to those you refer to, you sure wouldn't want to see me. Rayna, you say "shame on" the women who don't give me a chance. That's like saying shame on the entire female population. There's nothing shameful in being human. Those who have or have had lovers can't really say they know what it's like. I do, however, very much appreciate the concern of those taking the time to reply. As I've said before though, don't get the impression I blame my looks on everything in life. It's this whole love/sex thing that frustrates me to no end.

[Raynaadi]

i know...i feel for you gary. what i meant by the whole shame on the women thing is that we women are always thinking so much about what men want, at least i do, thinking they all want the perfect hourglass and big boobs...and we forget that we women have a body image that appeals us too....i just wish we all could look paste the outer. everyone can miss out on so much by doing that...

[adieuolivaw]

ISOLATED GUY: Try watching some old movies.

Clark Gable's ears were so big that he looked like a plane trying to take off. Charles Boyer was bald and paunchy. Humphrey Bogart was not exactly a pretty face. Gary Cooper was lumbering, inarticulate and awkward. Orson Welles was no catch. Marlon Brando began to bald and put on weight very soon. Rod Steiger was no pretty face, either.

It was their presence that defined them as stars, not their looks. The pretty boys come and go. They definitely go unless they work very hard to develop a presence of their own and superb acting skills.

If you're going about your business, building a good life for yourself, that confident goal-directedness will show. Nothing fails so fast as being desperate, having no direction in life, and looking for love as a security blanket. If you're drifting, it shows.
"Any wind is an ill wind for a ship without a rudder."

There's also something about the cut of a confident person's clothing and hair. They will suit his style. We all have a special style of our own. Find yours. Spend money if you must to discover that style. You're the star.

Adieu

[JohnShaft]

You sound very similar to me. I'm only 26 so I'm too young to give up yet. It makes me hate myself so much. And worst, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Helplessness sucks. I've been a real mess recently but I'm going to keep trying. Groan.

[Isolated_Guy]

Adieu, I do agree with what you said about showing you're too desperate will push people away. But the better looking a person is, the less that's going to get in the way. Confidence isn't something you simply decide you're going to have. I honestly believe it's born out of the way others react to you first. Those you refer to in the older movies are hardly ugly to me. As I said earlier, maybe you guys don't really understand what truly unattractive is. John Shaft (that's a cool board name, BTW), I'm curious as to what your experience is to this point at the age of 26. Have you ever dated, anything more, etc?

[SpazKatt]

hi and welcome!

[Wants2Fly]

I can only refer you back again to my anecdote about my late friend Alan. This tiny little man in a wheelchair, who could barely lift a glass to his lips with both hands, captivated people. No one went to visit Al because we felt sorry for him. He was born with MD and was too weak by the time he reached HS to continue his formal education. He did not, however, stop reading or being interesting and well-informed.

I really don't know you're situation. If you have a particularly disfiguring disease, such as leprosy, or the elephant man disease, it would be cruel for me to insist that "You can do it, too."

I observed Alan make so much of a life that easily could have held only bitterness, anger, loneliness, isolation -- by dint of his sheer will and interesting mind and keen interest in other people and the world around him. This makes it is challenging for me to believe that you have more going against you than he did.

I continue to have best wishes that you will find new hope and rebuild your self-esteem and your life.

[LMo]

I don't want to hijack the other thread any more than I already have, so I'm resurrecting this one.

I had another thought, Guy:

I would imagine that if you were to share these feelings with a woman (ie. if you don't get them RESOLVED), then you'd probably scare the hell out of her. It would put a lot of pressure on a woman to date someone who is so ready to be rejected.

[vacantangel]

Sorry everybody but I'm in total agreement with IG. Generally speaking, the outside package is what people look at first. If you don't fit the other person's test of what they deem attractive, then they don't even approach you to get to know what might be a really wonderful person on the inside. Yes, there are exceptions but looks are the first impression. That's just the way society is. You can't get to 2nd base, if you don't even get to 1st.

[LMo]

That might be true of how SOME PEOPLE operate. I don't disagree with you there. What I completely disagree with is the overall generalization that everyone is like that, and that's the reason he can't get a date.