[chlorophyll]

So I've been doing kind of well recently, less flashbacks about the sexual assault and my attacker's face. I can hardly believe I've made it through 10 months since it happened. I was having once-weekly sessions with my T and we were talking through things, and he was really helping me to come to terms with what happened and how it's not my fault and such. But recently, I've been slipping up. My T is hired by my college and now school's out, I can't access more therapy from him until late September, when school is back and settled.

I've found myself laying in bed in the morning and curling up into a ball, shaking and crying and ruminating over what happened. I can't let go and don't expect it to be easy. But I keep going over and over what happened, how I felt, how I felt when I told some people, how they felt, and how my T felt and what he said when he found out what happened. And all of that just makes me feel so stupid and helpless like I'm letting down the people who care by not snapping out of this. I've considered going to my GP about the depression, as suggested by my T, but I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just wish the ground would swallow me up, or at least my thoughts.

I struggle to admit what happened. I try to look in the mirror and say "My name is _____ and I'm a sexual assault survivor." I try to make it easier by removing attempted rape from the sentence, but I just can't say any of it. Typing it to a bunch of strangers is easy, but when it comes to me, face to face with myself or the people I love, I struggle. It took my T asking a load of carefully chosen questions, to which I could nod or shake my head, for him to get a picture of what happened. And even then, it took weeks before he knew exactly what went on (and there are still details that I've kept back.) My T suggested it's hard for everyone to have a single attack on them, but perhaps more for me because I'd never been intimate with anyone so to have it forced on me made it all the more unsavoury.

It's so hard. I just see his face over and over again. I remember my tears and my pleas and my disgust and confusion and I feel wrong. I feel like a liar. Like this is a nightmare I've confused with reality. And I hate being in limbo over this, not comprehending that what happened was real and what almost happened was not imagined but endured.

[Christina86]

I'm sorry that happened to you. It wasn't your fault. Talking to your GP is hard, but maybe writing it out will be easier, write out that you think you might be depressed (or other symptoms) and that your therapist recommended that you talk to your GP for additional support.

Is there any sort of community centres/services in your area that may offer reduced fee counselling or free short term counselling over the summer, someone you can talk to?

[kaliope]

chlor
i am so sorry that you are having to go through this alone. you did say that you have been doing well recently and that is something good that you can focus on. you also said "T and we were talking through things, and he was really helping me to come to terms with what happened and how it's not my fault and such". you can use this to your advantage. whenever you become overwhelmed with the memories of what happened, you can counteract these memories with the memories of the things you and T talked about. If it helps, write down the things that you and
T talked about so that you have them ready to read when the bad times come. Remember that you were doing well, that these bad memories had lost their power over you once and that you can take charge so that you can beat them again. You have already proven that you can do it. As much as possible repeat the good stuff you and T talked about to yourself. You can beat this, its just a momentary setback. Youve done it once, you can do it again. You have the tools. I know it may not be easy, but the more you do it, the less frequent and intense the bad times can be. You sound stong and resilient to me. I have faith in you. Hang in there.

[chlorophyll]

Thank you Christina and kaliope.

In response to your question Christina, I can get counselling over the summer for free at places my T recommended because they're affiliated with my college. I have considered this, but I dread going over everything all over again for maybe just 6 sessions before I can go back to my T. I wish my T was a non-college one as I'd rather pay if that means I could talk to him in the summer.Well, if it gets worse, I'll have to bite the bullet. Thanks for the support.

Kaliope, thank you for the advice and support. I guess I don't think straight when I get depressed and hit the flashbacks so I didn't think of doing this. I'm going to write it down on post-it notes and stick it around my house.

Thank you again to the both of you so much.

[mgran]

Chlorophyl, without going into detail, I was raped when I was eighteen. I'd never been with anyone, and it hurt like hell. Years later, when I was in labour, I flashed back to the rape while having contractions, and thought I was going to die. I know this is horrendously difficult.

One thing I can say, you DID survive this. You are here now, processing it, painful as that is. You say that it was an attempted rape... I assume that means he didn't get exactly what he wanted. How about saying the following. "My name is... and I beat rape." Because you did beat it. You're here now, past the attempt, heart beating, lungs breathing, full of emotion and intellect... not to be too corny, but you are a Survivor. You're a strong woman, you faced one of the worst experiences anyone can face, and you're still coherent, strong enough to face it even when it hurts... I think you're brilliant.

So, if you can't say the mantra you've been trying while looking in the mirror, try not looking in the mirror. Sit quietly, breath, and say "I beat rape." Clench your fists, beat the pillow, scream at the wall, but remember just what monster you defeated. He had his intent, to take from you what was yours, and yours alone. He tried to crush you... and you're still here. You beat the bastard. Try that as a mantra as well. "I beat the bastard." Even if he's still out there, you are still bigger than him.

Keep going. Fears, imaginings, nightmaer etc will dissolve as time goes on. And you will be left with your core self, the strong woman who ground the serpent beneath her heel.

[Irine]

Maybe try to recall what you practiced with T and see how it helps. Imagine what he would say...in this or that case....despite the fact that you are now alone you had help and practice before on how to deal with it.


I know how it feels! I would lay in bed for hours...and miss important tasks and drop out of courses and college because of my focus on trauma.

At least - this means that you are in the process of healing. It is when no emotions at all you start to worry...

I wish you the smoothest healing ever.

[lawnshark33]

im sorry to hear that you continue to have symptoms. I was wondering myself how long this ptsd will last. nightmares, anxiety attacks and feelings of hopelessness, flashbacks and inability to concentrate. You see I found my only child, my 15 yr old son, with a gunshot to the head. he committed suicide. he was such a happy kid or he covered it up well cuz i didnt see any symptoms. i still feel guilty that i should have known. i miss him with all my heart and not a day goes by that i dont think of him and wish he were here. I need to get that last image of him out of my mind. there was blood everywhere and when i went to touch him to see if by chance he was still alive he was cold. i wanted to die right then and there.

[Open Eyes]

Chlorophyl,
What you can do is find a new T and have your T from school call him or send him your records with what you have gone over so far. You may want to meet a few of the T's until you find one comfortable enough to work with. But you don't have to go over your past right away, work on other things, the symptoms of the PTSD. Then if you like the T the other T can contact him/her and bring it up to speed and what you have been working on.

What you are describing right now are the symptoms of PTSD and you have to remind yourself that this is what you are dealing with and every day remind yourself that you are going to get stronger everyday and overcome it. That is what I do, one day at a time. No one around you is really going to understand it, that is why coming here is good as we know what the symptoms your talking about are. And we understand the struggle. But you do have to consciously tell yourself that you will get better. I have stated this before but consider this a part of grieving and that you will slowly come to terms with it.

I am very sorry that you had to experience this in your life. I understand how deeply troubling it can be and how alone it can feel some times. But you see? I understand it and so do others here, so when you have some difficult days just come and talk it out. Even if you have an angry moment and need to rant or vent it out here. Getting it out and letting yourself morn it is important, dont hold it in. But it will get easier as time passes.

Try to say to yourself, " I understand what has happened, I cannot change my past, I am learning how to accept it as a part of my past and move forward and continue to grow". When you have those moments where you feel overwhelmed with emotion go someplace quiet and just concentrate on the moment. Don't let it frighten you, just say " I am just in the moment of morning my past and I am going to just think about the moment and nothing else". And really take it moment by moment. I used PC alot to distract myself and I just came here and posted to others instead of having all my focus on myself.

The fact that you have been doing better lately is a good sign. You are beginning to feel relieved. Try not to fall into ruminating it over or feel like you have not gained. It will slowly come and you will have more and more days of feeling better. Feeling better is what comes after finally learning to slowly externalize it, it becomes a relief to your brain, and you can build on that to the point where it is not so trapped and confused inside of you. You are gaining.

Remember we are here to talk to and we understand.

Open Eyes

[chlorophyll]

Thank you all for your responses. Thank you for understanding. I literally cried as I read what you wrote because I'm just grateful you understand. Thank you, thank you.

mgran, I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I really am. That evil evil person is the one who should feel like he should die for that. Thank you for relating what happened to you. I feel strange saying I beat rape, because I really don't feel like I beat anything. I feel like a lucky stupid naive idiot for being too trusting of the people around me. I feel like it was my fault because I walked the stretch of my route that I usually ran through (it was an alley I couldn't avoid because the exit to my workplace was located there) because I was looking at my phone. And that was where he, a guy I worked with, was waiting. I feel helpless and out of control. I didn't beat rape really. I saw an opportunity to run away just as things were about to reach their worst and somehow it worked. I didn't fight him, in fact the whole time I cried and begged him to stop but froze in fear. So I just see myself as weak. Sorry for being so negative, that's how I feel I will keep trying to say it though until I don't feel like a fraud when I do.

ladymacabethadmunsen, thank you for relating. I too am having problems in college (or maybe high school in your country) having to drop classes and resit exams because I just can't focus on anything else. I do have a picture of my T and when I'm struggling I look at it and imagine what he would reassuringly say. Thank you, and I wish you the same.

lawnshark33, I'm real sorry about what happened to your son. That must have been horrifying for you. That's the thing about memories, it's not just recalling events, but feelings, both emotional and literal. I have literal memories of his cold skin and it makes things worse. Do you have a counsellor? I think he/she would be helpful for you. I hope that you can be strong and get through this and live. Because you can.

Open Eyes, thank you so much for your advice. That's why I come here, because of the people who know in my life, only one understands remotely, and that's my T. I know I should get an external one, but I have real difficulty trusting and forming relationships with people now. It took about 5 weeks before I told my current T what happened, and even then, he doesn't know every detail I struggle with. I don't know if I could handle the isolation of having to start again with someone who won't know what I'm going through for maybe another 5 or more weeks before I have even a sliver of trust in him or her. I'm scared that maybe the new one won't be quite so understanding or maybe they'll think I'm lying like I think I am. My mannerisms kind of make me feel like I'm lying even as I tell my current T things about what happened. I smile when I talk if I feel like I'm about to cry and my eyes go shifty when I look people in the eye because I'm not used to it. That negative person inside of me tells me that it's because I'm lying, I'm a liar. But I'm just in denial and that somewhat scares me.

Thank you very much to all of you for helping me. You don't know how much your support means to me. It means everything. I hope I can help and support all of you in any way as well.

[Open Eyes]

It is not really about being a fraud, it is more admitting we were weaker than we thought. And we DO have to realize that there are things that we didn't see coming.
And hind sight gives us plenty of time to think if over and see things we could have done.

I was attacked once as well, I didn't see it coming either. I had worked singing that night in a club and went out to my car by myself, ofcourse I should not have done that, like you maybe I wasn't thinking or just perhaps trying not to be too much of a wimp, I don't really know. But two men were outside and one of the men invited me to go to NY to party. I was nice and said I was tired and opened my car door to leave. Before I knew it he pushed me in my car and started mauling me. I had the stick shift in my back and like you I kind of froze because it happened so quickly.
I was very lucky because a guy friend that I knew happened to drive up. The man attacking me quickly got off me and his friend pulled up and they sped away.

There are things that happen in our lives that we never see coming and never expect to have happen to us. And unfortunately there are bad people in the world and when we are a victim it brings it close to a reality and it isn't just something that happens to someone else anymore, we realize it could happen to us too.

And there were a couple of other times that happened as well, even my agent mauled me and I don't remember how I got away from him.

It was one of the main reasons why I gave up singing, I just felt too vulnerable and I was a target. And it took me a long time to just be by myself and feel comfortable, I aways had one eye over my shoulder. And I still do to a certain extent, but I am not as upset and rattled as I was back then.

Just remember that no matter what happens in your life, you will always see it differently when you look back. But as I said, in looking back you have more time to think about it and what really occured. When something like this happens we don't always register the effect it really has on us. And that is what you are doning now.
That feeling of safety you had has been threatened and you were caught off guard.
Your not a fake for feeling the way you do, you have to take time to accept it and most of all learn from it. I can totally understand how terrifying it was for you, I was there too and there is nothing fake about it.

And I still think you should give another therapist a shot, you may find someone who really helps you and gives you more than your other therapist. But I think that it should be a woman as a woman will understand.

Open Eyes

[chlorophyll]

You're right Open Eyes, I know you are. Thank you.

I'm sorry to hear about what was done to you aswell and I guess it must have been pretty angering to have to give up a career because of it. And you're right, that's hindsight. I prefer forseight. I just hate the fact that some other person could make me do things I didn't want to do andI couldn't take control of the situation. I hate that fact so badly.

On the note about getting a new therapist, you're right. My current one even suggested maybe I'd be more comfortable sharing details with a woman. It was me who was adamant not to have a woman. I guess it's because my one before was female and she wasn't helpful at all, rather just opinionated. And of all the women I know around me, most are not too understanding of events like this, because "women are strong and can fight off anything and a woman who has something like this happen to her must have not done something right or allowed it in some ways to happen." That's why only three others know about this, and I chose them carefully because they've been through stuff that wasn't so nice either.

Did you have a female therapist to sort your problem out?

[Open Eyes]

No, I don't have a female therapist at the moment and I have addressed other issues but not the sexual issues with this new male therapist. I am not sure how he will be with it. Often men are problem solving and sometimes not as sensitive and I am not sure they can really relate to the powerlessness of situations.

We have only touched on the subject and I do want to address it but I havent felt comfortable to get into depth about it. But it may not be a bad idea just to see what this man thinks and says about it, he may offer some advice I havent thought of yet.

I know what you mean about opinionated in women therapists as I have had a couple of those. Some of them can be somewhat cold and harsh. But I have heard of some people in here that have had good luck with female therapists. So I think it is just like finding a good friend to confide in, it takes time. And the only way your going to know is by actually sitting across from a therapist and getting to know them as a person. That is what I don't like about therapist searching that can be awkward and has been a waste of time for me. I wish there was an easier way to get to know them without feeling like you have to set all your issues out there and see if they will respond to you in a helpful, understanding, and productive manner. And to be honest, it took me time to find one that works with patients that have PTSD.

You are not going to know unless you try and see who is on the list of therapists you can talk to. It is better than not getting any therapy at all. You can just go and get some grounding techniques and have that time filled until you can spend time with the therapist you are familiar with. Five weeks goes by pretty fast believe it or not.

But don't feel like you don't have real feelings, they are there and you do need to feel comfortable addressing them. The experience still had an effect on you, I know how you feel and there is no reason to feel like a liar.

Open Eyes

[skeksi]

I have more symptoms when I am on break from my T as well. It's like, when I know I will see him every week, I can manage pretty well between sessions--because every seven days I get a tune-up that reaffirms that I'm not crazy, what I'm experiencing is a natural response to trauma, etc.

But when I am on break, I don't get that affirmation and pretty soon I start to doubt myself and what I am going through. Right now, I still depend on the contact with my T to help me navigate through this confusing post-traumatic mess.

I totally get you not wanting to bother seeing a summer interim T--I know I wouldn't get comfortable with someone else in just a few months! But you CAN survive this, the summer is half over!

It helps me to write (and re-read) things my T has said to me. I hear his words in my head when I am alone and need help, things like "You're not alone; you did nothing wrong; you have a right to be scared, but you are safe nonetheless," etc. Maybe you've learned what you need the next time you are on break--maybe asking him to write something to you to help you get through the time would help? My T sometimes writes things down for me when I face something alone.

You are so not alone.

PS: I smile at strange times too--my T said it's not unusual for people to smile when they are afraid or upset. It feels incongruous, but it's quite typical. You're NORMAL! We all are.

[chlorophyll]

Thank you again Open Eyes, and also Skeksi. Skeksi, we sound exactly alike! I can get through a whole 6 days not seeing my T because I know he'll be there on day 7, so it does feel harder because he's not there. I'm going to go for it and get an interim though actually, even if I only see them a few times this summer. I won't tell them about all this though because I wouldn't know them well enough. Thank you for your last comment aswell - that's very reassuring. Learn something new every day. Thanks, it would be nice to feel normal haha.

Interestingly Open Eyes, I've never interviewed a therapist. The first one I had, the female one, I didn't like her and only saw her about 3 times. With my second experience of therapy, which is how I got my current T, I basically looked at all the available ones and kind of tried to sense who I would be most comfortable with and that seems to have worked. What exactly do I do in an interview? What would I ask the potential new therapists?

Thanks, and I'll try not to feel like a liar.

Thank you all

t

[Open Eyes]

Well that is a good question. If you have a few to choose from you could do as you did before by going on your gut feelings or you make a few appointments and be perfectly honest and tell the therapist your situation with the other therapist and that before you get into depth with them you want to know more about them and their ideas of therapy. Each therapist has their own style.
Ask them how they feel is the best way to approach your kind of situation, without being specific, just give a general and tell the therapist you are being general. And if they ask you to be more specific stay in your comfort zone.

You just never know what you may learn from a different therapists point of view.
Each therapist draws on experiences with previous clients and they slowly develope ways they feel are most helpful in addressing issues better. That is why the call it a practice, they practice psychology and even though they have studied psychology they all practice methods and apply their own style to the therapy. That is why it is good to meet with more than one. Each one is unique just as all people are unique.

Open Eyes

[chlorophyll]

Thank you Open Eyes, you've really helped me here. I thought they all follow a way of doing therapy, but I guess that is the same as doctors, a bit different kind of. I'm going to do some interviews and see how that goes

Thanks again!

[Open Eyes]

Your welcome chlorophyll, therapists are all different and it is important to find one that you really connect with. And, it isn't always easy as they use a combination of things that they each apply to their practice. And they all have different reasons for practicing psychological therapy. Some are more open minded and dedicated than others and the open minded ones make sure they stay abreast of all the new ways to deal with different patients and they also keep abreast of the new studies and treatments available. Then you can run into one that runs a tight ship and has a general 1,2,3 way of dealing with patients that they have practiced for a long time.

Over the years for me, well, I had seen different therapists that really missed diagnosing me properly and I really was very clear on the symptoms that should have been diagnosed as PTSD. And I hadn't really found a therapist that was very helpful to me. But today there is a lot more information available to therapists.

If you don't like a therapist don't feel like your a failure or that you will never find the right one. You have to be patient and keep trying until you find someone you are comfortable with that you can build trust in. So having a few to pick from is not bad at all. You have to think of it as personal exploration of finding the right guide for you.

Let us know how you make out. And you may not have bells ring right away with a therapist, they have to get to know you as well and get a feel for what they think would be the best therapy for you.

And it is not a bad idea to write up something that you could bring with you, a kind of outline of the the issues that you face so that you don't feel confused when you sit in front of them. And it is a good idea to keep a journal for yourself so that you can write down the ways you feel as you go through each week. You can write anything just like you do here about how you feel.

You are just on a journey and keep in mind that each therapist is like opening a self help book to some extent, some are better than others.

Open Eyes

[Stoda]

mgran - I started crying when I read your words, "How about saying the following. "My name is... and I beat rape."" I too have been raped, just a couple of months ago, and it was my first time as well. Physically it didn't hurt that bad, but mentally it's the worst thing I've ever been through. I'm seeking help, but it's so slow. It seems like I'm getting worse not better.

But it helps to know there are people who've made it to the other side. Thanks for that.

chlorophyll - I all to well understand what you mean about hating to tell the story again. With my situation there were so many things going on at one time, that it's not only painful to relive the memory but it's a long story too boot. The more time that passes, the more I forget. I'm not sure if I'm supressing or moving on, I seriously hope it's the latter.

Anyway good luck to all of us.

[Open Eyes]

(((((((Stoda)))))))

I am so sorry that you have experienced that, please do not blame yourself in any way. I did that myself and I didn't talk about it for many years. You really do need to find someone to talk to and no, you don't have to announce to anyone that you are a survivor of a rape. You are only just beginning that path, you need to go slow and be with a very supportive and understanding therapist. And you definitely need to be quietly validated and supported on a path of slowly healing and even morning it. I had to do that by myself, and I didn't really do it, I tryed to pretend it didn't happen and that was not good, I held in too many emotions not realizing it. You do have to let your feelings out and be validated.

We are always here to listen and give hugs.

Open Eyes

[mgran]

Originally Posted by Stoda

mgran - I started crying when I read your words, "How about saying the following. "My name is... and I beat rape."" I too have been raped, just a couple of months ago, and it was my first time as well. Physically it didn't hurt that bad, but mentally it's the worst thing I've ever been through. I'm seeking help, but it's so slow. It seems like I'm getting worse not better.

But it helps to know there are people who've made it to the other side. Thanks for that.

chlorophyll - I all to well understand what you mean about hating to tell the story again. With my situation there were so many things going on at one time, that it's not only painful to relive the memory but it's a long story too boot. The more time that passes, the more I forget. I'm not sure if I'm supressing or moving on, I seriously hope it's the latter.

Anyway good luck to all of us.

Stoda, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It's not just about physical hurt, it's spiritual, emotional shock as well. It just comes out of nowhere and knocks you flying.

But I meant what I said... you beat rape. I'm glad you're able to talk about it, even if it's just online at the moment. You'll get better. For a while you'll forget things, as you say has been occurring, and then at other times the memories will jump up again and frighten you. But you'll be in control the whole time, even if you don't feel like it. Treat it as a boat in a storm, and you've got the oars. Nothing's going to sink that boat, and you're strong enough to pull it home.

(((hug))) thank you for being brave enough to share your experience here.

[Stoda]

The worst part is that it was by a guy I trusted and liked. And I keep wondering what I did to deserve this? Why does everything have to break apart all at once?

[Open Eyes]

((((((Stoda))))))
It is not your fault, it happened to me like that too. I just didn't see it coming and I thought the guy was a nice guy, he wasn't.

Be thankful you can talk about it, I didn't do that, no one knew until this year and I am talking, I kept it a secret for 30 years. I finally told my father because I could never forget how he looked at me in shame and it just wasn't my fault and I kept quiet because I didn't want my father to know it was such an important client's son.
I could tell my father because that client finally died. I really struggled between letting my father finally know or to continue to keep it a secret.

I understand the question you have deep inside and your doubt about yourself. But you just didn't know, I didn't know either. You cannot let this change your life, you are still a good person no matter what. You can recover and still live a good life.
You do have to let out the emotions and hurt feelings and then finally just let it be in your past.

I am truely sorry that this happened to you. I do believe you, I understand your struggle.

Open Eyes

[Stoda]

It's just all too much for me. It's so overwhelming. Through the PTSD in there and you have oh so much fun. The guys acting like I did something wrong. I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Sadly, besides the sex, it was the best relationship I've ever been in. That's probably just because he was saying whatever I wanted to hear until he got me where he wanted me.

I'm seeing a t and trying to find a pdoc. It's just like what else can go wrong. I can't handle anything more. I've already lost all my friends because of my Narcolepsy. It's like what's left?

[Open Eyes]

(((((( Stoda ))))
I know it is alot right now, but you will get through this, after all it just happened recently. There is a lot to process and I am so glad your getting help. Life does have struggles but you can find your way through this. I promise you will find your way past this in time. It is a challenge but will ease up as you address it.

Open Eyes