Enough Already Rant

Hi Open Eyes,

I had a totally different experience that lead me to have PTSD, but I struggle with the exact same issues that you struggle with today. This whole idea of mean people everywhere and you begin to feel like a target and have nobody left to trust. Then people gather the opinion as if you're the crazy lady when you really aren't. If somebody says something mean to me that has nothing to do with anything important in my life, it sends me to pieces for days! I treat all with respect and would never say something mean to somebody & so I wonder why all these people feel the need to tell me everything I do wrong or strangers treating me horribly. And then it turns into a fear that anytime you go to do anything, this is going to happen, so when it does, you overreact and throw a fit (or at least I do). This is the result of things that happen way in the past and it is a hard thing to shake. The general public has no idea what PTSD is and cannot begin to understand the 1st thing about it.

On to the lawyer thing...I am one (not practicing!) and my husband is one and practicing law. He does more commercial litigation stuff though. But has far as the judicial system goes (my PTSD struggle involved a couple court cases that ended up going to trial and ended up lasting 5 years due to all the delays for this and that...you know.), they do give the accused many rights and it seems like the victims really don't get any rights. Attorneys do this day in and day out, and I really don't think they care when things happen, how long they get prolonged, or what your feelings are. Occasionally there is an anomaly, but that is the gist I get. It is their job, and your priorities just aren't the same as yours...it's one of those things that isn't right, yet we do not have the ultimate control how things proceed. Most of these feelings have come about from the cases I just dealt with. The trials I had to testify in were both in Mass & I live in PA, and they would sometimes give me one days notice to get up there. And there were times when I went up there and the trial was cancelled last minute. It's a whole roller coaster of emotions and the lawyers just move on which kinda leaves you to pick up the pieces of yourself....not an easy task for someone with PTSD.

Anyway, please push on with this legal battle because these neighbors need to know that you are serious and a competent person who knows what isn't right...which is so very true. I thought of quitting my case several times, but there were convictions both times (this was criminal whereas it sounds like yours is civil). Either way, it will make you feel better if you put your best foot forward with this and do all that you can do, because you are very capable and don't deserve to have anyone take advantage of you.

I am in your boat and would be glad to help you paddle...as long as you pick up my slack at times.

As to the EMDR that I know you were contemplating at some time, wait until this court ordeal is done. That way you will be able to give it your all.

I had no idea

Last year I was trying really hard and the obstacles kept coming. I had to present the medical history on all these injured animals. And there were a couple of vets that did present a very detailed history that went back to 2003. And my own farm vet could not present records because his operation style is old, he is an old style
country vet, but very knowledgable.

So I had to search everywhere to see if I could find records that dated back and I went into the basement, the attic my husbands files, searched everywhere and I found all the old records. And these records were just bills and little pieces of paper where he would write the names of the animals and what he came for. And it was a lot of work for me to put it all together and match everything up and be accurate.
And I worked on this intermittently for several weeks as I tried to work and I did have some people coming out to try to train animals and my daughter did help.

I also had managed to scrounge up some money to have a shipment of hay delivered, because it is so much more economical to do it that way. And I was still trying to scratch money together to have some vets look at the injured animals to see how badly they were injured.

Well, the hay that was delivered with loaded with a toxic plant. And this hay man knew that I had lost a beautiful pony years ago because of this plant and I gave him all the information on it. And he did deliver clean hay many times. And he also knew about my battle and losses due to my neighbor and that I was struggling. And I did call him and he kept telling me he would replace the hay and it became a kind of odd game. And he would say next week and at the last minute cancel. And all this time I had to sit on the floor in the loft and pretty much sort out hay to feed strand by strand, this plant is so toxic and the more dried out it is the more toxic it is and has leaves that crumble and permeate in the hay and the stems break apart and they permeate too. And the only evidence is those prickers that are on the stems and the backs of the remnants of the leaves. And no one wanted to do this sorting up in that loft that was as hot as an oven. Many nights I sat out there til 1am trying to sort through this tainted hay. And all the while calling this man to please replace it.
And it took me 8 months, 8 months to finally get this hay replaced. And I know this man knew it was a bad batch of hay. And I had liked him and I had to wrap my brain around the fact that he knew my dilemma and he offed that hay on me. He worked that lie for 8 months until he finally got sick of me calling. And I am talking about $2,000 worth of hay. And you cannot really tell it is tainted until you open it up.
But, he knew because he is in that business and I am sure I was not the only pissed off customer, and I was probably the last on his list for replacing, that is if others held out and screamed bloody murder in his ear. Because many times people DO give up and just throw it out.

So I had to figure out how to make small purchases of hay in between and that hay was at a premium, something I really could not afford to do with all the other expenses.

And then every day I was dragging that ring and trying to be there for some people that were doing me this big favor to ride my animals. And they would not have gotten a chance to ride anywhere else for free. And my daughter was riding a horse that I bought to have for myself one day, a beautiful mustang that she even picked on me for buying. But when I got a phone call informing me about him and I went to see him, I could see a starving horse that was in desperate need of being tended to.
And I could see in that skinny black eyed creature, something that spoke of a magnificance that was waiting to be discovered. This was a talent I had, I just seem to know, it must be something in my genetics, I just don't know.

My daughter's horse was a crippled and she had nothing to ride so she took this mustang that I had worked on to fix his projectile diareah and put some weight on him and save money to have his broken teeth from abuse fixed. I think that cost me over a thousand dollars. But I have to say it was so nice to see him stop nursing those broken teeth in the water bucket on a regular basis.

And then I started to see my daughter smile, she was kind of hiding it because she didn't want to admit that I made a wise investment. She was always a little bit jealous of my gift, she wanted to be able to do pic those special ones out too.
And slowly she couldn't help but say, "Mom, this is the smartest horse I have ever worked with, he is truely amazing". Now I did know that he too was injured and I had tried to get him checked very slowly as each time, it was expensive. And the only thing I didn't get to was his pelvis and his hip joint area. But we carefully monitored that. And this animal muscled up and he was just magnificant. Everywhere he went any horse person who had any real knowledge could not help but notice him.

It was always the bright spot of my day to sit and watch my daughter work with this beautiful animal. And I would watch the others that came for their free ride on my remaining animals and even my little arab that I also loved, but could not ride because I was still nursing my damaged feet.

I also didn't really have a desire, I was so tired still and between the hay and the mountain of paperwork that I was getting together for my attorney, I was tired.
And there were those days that I would break and try to deal with these people and tears would be running down my face. I didn't know I was fighting depression. There was no money for a therapist, and I really didn't understand what PTSD meant. I just thought it was a kind of grief trauma that would just go away in time.

This mustang was not as big as my daughter's horse, he is actually a large pony but rides like a big warmblood because he has a big strong bold stride. And I could see the Andelusion in him that came from so long ago from when the Spanish brought these amazing talented animals over to America to use in battle. And I could remember when I was a little girl and my mother would save money and take us to see the Andelusions and Lipazaner stallions perform at the colliseium. These Iberian horse that just took my beath away. And here I was sitting on my front steps watching one being ridden that was jet black with a wavey tail and as one trainer put it, so incredibly sexy.

And to think that this animal was at one time just running in a wild herd in Wyoming and he was captured and traveled to different holding facilities to eventually end up dancing in front of me. He almost was wasted by someone who mistreated him, and now I was able to tell him it was ok, he didn't have to be frightened anymore, he could have a saddle put on his back and he didn't need to be frightened and almost sit down in fear. And I wasn't going to hit him like someone else did, he could be loved, an he really loves to be loved, he just eats it up. And it is a process because he first has to know it is ok to be loved, its ok to let someone in an the touch will be a good one. And in so many ways I could read him so well, because I was that way too. And just like me, he loved to learn and he really appreciated the kindness and he really did want to be loved and feel safe.

His eyes like a big black abiss, unlike like any other eyes I had ever looked into. I look in his eyes and I am swallowed up but the depth of them, a rich depth that is so hard to describe unless one looks for themselves. And there is also an amazing amount of kindness there too. Yes, every person that looks into them, can see it.

My one bright spot of the day was just being in his presence. And it made all the efforts of sorting the hay and working on those medical records bearable. And I finally finished the records and sent a copy to my attorney and to the vet that had not saved the records. And the opposing attorney wanted their own copies for my vet and he told them that he could provide that information but it would take him a lot of time and there would be a big charge for all that time. And I just could not believe that one, time, his time?, of my time and believe me many many hours of my time was going to mean money in my veterinarians pocket. Nice huh?, see how people work?

And my daughter was starting to hear dollar signs attached to my wonderful little mustang. It didn't matter that he was once a wild starving mustang, because all his beauty and talent and presence was what could not be just bought. And my daughter had one thing on her mind, money to go and buy something to replace what had been damaged in her show horse. And one day, after she got a value that was music to her ears I saw something in my own daughter that I would have never expected. I saw her stare right into my eyes and say, I am going to sell him and take all that money and buy myself another horse.

I didn't say a word, she was getting ready to go to Portugal with my inlaws, something they had aways wanted her to see, my mother in law grew up there.
And so I said nothing and for the next two weeks, sorted hay in a god awful heat wave up in that loft, and scheduled my life around some suddenly very entitled people that got free rides on my animals.

Oh and my daughter also suggest that I give my arab to the woman that was coming out for her free rides, after all I was not really riding now was I. No, between my feet and the paper work and this thing called depression that I had not realized I was battling, I should just give up what I had left to others. No, my daughter didn't get it at all.

I better post this before it gets lost.

Hi Open Eyes

I do not know how to help with your financial problem but if I hear you need to take a brake and I am worry that if you will not do you will not ok to sort things and it will be worst and worst
Think what the worst could happen if you take a weekend free somewhere and after accept it. Ask somebody to help regarding the weekend work of care of your horses or something what you think somebody could do for you. And go away really for short time.
I do not know what weekend brake is the best one for you but anything what makes you to forget.
You need strength to anything which you decide.

Did you have a holiday in last time?

OpenEyes You are passionate about injustice. That's what I think. I suspect that fighting the injustice of what happened to you is even more important than getting the damages repaid, which would be very good too. You sure could use the compensation.

A survivor of PTSD has a super sense of knowing injustice, because there has been major violation. If it is PTSD from an act of nature, like an earthquake, even though that is an act of nature, it still seems so unfair. Unfair registers the same as injust, in our minds. When the PTSD is from abuse by a human, the sense of injustice is even clearer. I think it arouses more anger. So, it would not surprise me that someone recovering with PTSD would be very passionate about justice. That is a good thing to have come out of trauma. Many great people became passionate about justice because they suffered violation. So I think you are extra passionate about wanting justice, and I thing that is a virtue.

Also, you are pro-active. You are fighting for justice. The outcome is uncertain, because there will always be battles lost in that fight. Injustice is part of this world and will remain so. Some people think it will take God above coming in a dramatic way to stop injustice. I would agree that nothing short of God remaking the world can stop all injustice. Human effort can only have partial victories here and there. But we lose our dignity if we do not stand up for justice. Your victory is that you are standing up in your legal case. How it will turn out is beyond your control.

You and I and everyone we know will withstand the pain of injustice for as long as we are in this life. It is guaranteed. Keep your passion. Just know that the more passion you have for justice (and I wish more people had more of that) the more disappointment you are in for.

The very person who is supposed to "Champion Your Cause" may be falling way short of expectations. Poor legal representation is another form of injustice. It is sounding like you are stuck with this attorney, who maybe isn't all he might have been at one time. I'm sure he still likes winning. So let's hope that is some incentive to him.

Mostly I say balance passion with acceptance. This doesn't mean lay down and be a doormat. It means put your passion into the effort, as you have done, and then say "The outcome will be what it will be and I can not control that and my life goes on regardless of win or lose." With so much financial problems, it may feel like "My life doesn't go on . . . I can lose too much . . . and my life is demolished." But you won't be demolished, unless what you have is who you are. It is not. I've been through bankruptcy and might have to go through it again. If it ever comes to that for you, you can survive it. Your way of life might be drastically changed. Sometimes people truly can't survive too drastic a change, too drastic a loss. I say every day that, if I don't get a job soon, I can't survive the loss of maybe my apartment. That is not true. I can survive it. You, who is a harder worker than me, can survive great loss. That is what we fear. We fear losing everything. Not because we want stuff. What we have is what we need to live as we know how. So it is very threatening. When it gets real bad, I would recommend that you say, along with me, "I refuse to cower in fear like a whipped dog. I refuse to stay in the mindset of being threatened." That's how the PTSD started in the first place.

Does the technique work? Heck no, not all the time. I'm scared and mad. Mad that I lost my livelihood in a way that was unjust . . . someone using their power to crush me. But the technique works when I am at the end of my rope. It keeps me from having a complete nervous breakdown. I hope it might help you.

We were writing at the same time. So I just saw your latest post. I am very moved by the story of the Mustang that you saved. Your work with horses is incredible and you are incredible. To have your work threatened must be almost unbearable because you put so much love into it, along with the sweat and endless toil.

Now I think my post above will seem insensitive - like I don't appreciate your predicament. I don't mean the advice as some pat answer - like, just accept and know you can move on. I don't know how I would ever cope with what you have going on.

I would love to hear more about your special experiences with horses. Maybe that can let you think about your wonderful successes and get a break from the threatening situation. You can always PM me. I have a picture of horses running through water in my living room. I just love to look at it. Even though I have no experience with horses, they inspire me. It seems you didn't finish the story. Maybe I missed something.

Like your other good friends here, I care that you face so much trouble and that it is taking such a toll on your well-being.

Thanks Mediator, I didn't know what to do today and I thought about how you have been writing things and I have some things that are bothering me, one tough area that is a bad button in me. So I didn't know what to do today so I just thought I would talk about my year last year and how far I have come and what I dealt with and I did do a lot. But I also went through a lot last year too, on top of the other years, I was trying to be strong and look for the bright spots. My mind is in such a bad state today and I just feel so alone with it. I actually never really wanted to start a thread like this. I just thought that if I kept putting out all the positive strength I had managed to muster for so many years, I could get that part of my brain to be strong again. It was helping until I just had to address this weekend.
I wasn't even expecting it to be so full of triggers. At least I am not shivering at the moment. I didn't take a pill, and I am just trying to talk it out I guess. I guess I just needed to let some things out? And I feel guilty for the way I feel, I should be stronger than this. I just have to work it out somehow.

It is so odd how this PTSD takes hold sometimes. And I never realized how many triggers I had, I had no idea that something like this could happen in the brain.
And I can see now, thankfully but using PC and being able to read back my own output, how sometimes my brain just wants to run, there is a way that it takes all these memories and what is going on now and it tries really hard and yet at the same time its trying to run and it darts around, it is very exhausting. And I was really gaining and getting a handle on so much until this weekend. And when I just come to PC and process different things, it has been so helpful. It really calms my brain down and allows it to think one thing at a time and it also helps to calm my body.
And I was getting so much better, I was actually starting to clean a little and just have some old desires slowly coming back.

Just in my earlier posts, look where my brain went. And those old memories and emotions that I never really realized were there the way they are. I was really a scared little girl, and I can see it differently now. And yet being in this situation where I have seen so many damaging things going on and how it all just comes out, so bazaar. Its inbetween a flashback and a memory, I honestly had no idea that something like this could happen. And when my body shivers like this, then I remember so many times that I shivered like this before, God I was so little, I climbed out of my crib shivering and sat next to a heater to calm myself. I had no idea that I wasn't really cold, I was shivering in fear. God, I was so little, just a baby really.
I was so frightened, I had no way of understanding those feelings. I can still feel that tree that I hid in all those times, just like it was yesterday. And I thought that was long gone, but it isn't and I had no idea that all this time it was there like this.

And it is so hard to try to deal with that and what I am dealing with every single day as well. And I think if I had not have met others here that experience the same issues, I might have gone crazy. It is so unbelievable to me that my body just shivers like this and it goes so far back. And here I am trying to find a way to grab onto it and control it consciously.

And I know I have to fight through this lawsuit, and I have really been working at it, but I cannot present this shivering person, people just don't get this, and I certainly don't want to encourage anyone to think I am crazy. I am not crazy, but I do have something that has been triggered to the point that I am now very aware that I do have to be careful. And I DO try to stay away from situations that aggrivate this conditon. And, I can be really strong, but it is an effort and I DO have to be careful.

Open Eyes

Crying..........I wasnt expecting this, so many nice thoughts here. It really means a lot, you have no idea, I was always so alone all my life really. All I ever did is fight these awful battles. And I didn't really want people to know that about me, because I was always so strong, had to always be so strong, so many times.

Rose, your words mean a lot about PTSD and how it does make that sense of desire for exposing the truth so much more powerful. I never really thought of it that way.
I just always knew that I hated it when people lied and cheated and took advantage of others. And I hate when I see them get away with it too.

You know, I could give a lot of things as you say, but these animals are safe and no one wants a crippled animal, no one wants to take time for their special needs. I look at their faces and I really feel bad. They don't understand why they hurt or can't do things anymore. And I am not the kind of person who can just give them a needle and put them down because it is hard for me. They are not that way, they are thriving, and they look at me in a kind of gratefulness. I thought about dismantling my farm and walking away, sure my neigbor would be the first in line to get his creepy hands on my place, and believe me he is creepy and I already know he loves my place. But what about my animals, what I did for years, what I managed to build up in spite of an alcoholic husband and everything else I faced. This damage was me, it was my safe spot and it took me years to create.

I understand what your saying Rose, and I was reaching out to you too, but look at the strength you pour out here. That is so amazing to me. And I never really connected my strong sence of wanting justice and fairness to myself and animals and other human beings as being created by my PTSD.

And though I was so afraid of my bother and even ran from him, I felt sorry for him too. I was so little and I knew he was suffering too. And when I am with my attorney those emotions are very much the same. I can see his hands shaking as he fumbles through my files, he has told me that he forgets and yet he is still smart as a whip. And I can see an old man not wanting to let go of that younger man that was so well known for his successes in practicing law. And when he raises his voice in anger, it is about more than just me, but it was just like that with my brother. And I just happened to be there and became a victim. And in my last depositon listening to him talk about himself not being a bad jew and how he made it a point to talk about his interactions with colleges that were so successful and even philanthropists.
I could see his eyes staring off in disbelief of how quickly the years went by.

And there was not enough time to finish my depositon because of his stories and moments of trying to express his own worth somehow. And I was just so caught off guard and the way he talked about himself was just not appropriate in that atmosphere. And there I was this entity again caught in the issues of another person. And that whole experience was a lot to process, I truely never expected that to happen at all.

I don't want to be the bad guy here. Why isn't anyone else seeing this, or maybe they are and this effort to disolve the firm was one way of addressing it. After all he owns that building and he was a big part of that firm. And here I am, just stuck in this process and not really included in the real truth of it all. And this is really beyond me. And maybe those other attorneys wont touch me because they might see it too. But how is that going to help me? I have my whole life at stake here, and I am losing ground to the point where I am bearly functioning. And it is such a fine line between staying on top of him and pissing him off. And I can feel it every time I am around him. And in so many ways, it is so much like my brother and that I was just this innocent child trying to find some way of dealing with it and just surviving it.

And even worse, the same thing with my husband and his disease and how he lashed out too. Talk about eggshells, well, that is basically my whole life. And all I ever did is try to find my own place where I could walk normally.

And I can't even go and see my aging mother, and how badly I want her arms around me, but I can't let her see how much pain I am in, so I stay away and just try to call her when I am sure I can talk without breaking down. And someday she's not going to be there an I am going to miss that. It sure is hard because it would not be good for her to worry about me. And on her birthday I was really struggling and I really wanted to go and visit her and take her out, but I knew that I was not strong enough to do that without maybe breaking. And I did go to visit her once and I unexpectedly had a terrible flashback in front of her and I just couldn't talk, and I know I frightened her and I could see her fear and I could do nothing, I was trapped in that horrible flashback. And my sister wants my parents to think I am crazy because, as always she wants control. And that goes all the way back as well.
Between my brother and my sister, I was terrified all the time.

Open Eyes

((((I had no idea)))))

Thank you for your input, I have been trying to consider the process as well.
And I am glad you stated the fact that the victim is put through a lot in this legal process, unfortunately I am experiencing that. And that alone has been hard to wrap my brain around. No, it doesn't appear to have any significance on how things turtle along in the justice system and add additional stress to an already troubling diagnosis of PTSD. And I think that is unjust in itself.

And it is such a balancing act because I certainly don't want to jump on my attorney and blame him for the process itself, and yet I don't want the process to blind me from seeing his lack either. But I do see definites where he has lacked and the whole situation is very difficult to try to stay on top of.

And there was a part of me that just thought of going to the deposition scheduled on Monday and I am really glad I didn't because I really broke down on Monday and I did go to the right place, my therapist. I was shivering in his office, a complete wreck, I could not have endured a deposition like that and it was not anything I could control.
And I hate that about this PTSD. I truely was not expecting last weekend to present so much all at once. And I don't even know how I managed to work on Sunday because I was in a lot of pain, and dissy and nauseous. And I had worked Saturday too and I worked hard. And I was exhausted trying to stay awake to look after my horses/ponies and I had convinced myself that I had to stop being hypervigiallant and just go to bed and that no one was going to do anything to my animals. So when I woke up and saw that loose pony, it just blew me away. And the day just presented one thing after another that just continued to blow me away.

And just as I was finishing my last post, the door made a sound, and I was deep in thought, trying to relax and I wasn't expecting it and a rush came right back into my body. And my husband started in with do this, do that and trigger, trigger, trigger.
And as hard as I am trying to explain to him how I am having a bad day, riddled with anxiety and exhausted in every way, he just doesn't get it. And he just continues to push and I just am not in the mode to be all that receptive. And I don't like it myself.

And what gets me is that for years I had to try to understand his alcoholism and be alone while it was all about him and his meetings. And then I had to find a way to understand that when he cheated with those sluts wearing no protection that at the time he was intoxicated and therefore not responsible for his will? Ahhhhhhhh, and does he not really get how all those years of me feeling so unsafe and having to deal with forgive, forgive, forgive had a profound effect on my brain? Oh yes, I was so strong back then, why not today? And I do wonder that myself. And I have been doing nothing but trying to get back to that strong person. And then again that woman was filling a place in her brain that was eventually going to blow? So I have to be a new person, and I have been slowly working on that. But I know that I cannot erase years and years of abuse over night. And the conditions under which I am trying to do so are definitely not ideal at all.

Open Eyes

This experience for me, outside PC, is like a kind of fish bowl where if someone is hurt all the preditors are quickly looking for their piece and all the other fish just swim away to their own safety. And then theres that baracuda and he pulls up to a station of these little fish that quietly clean him off, they know he is a savage dangerous fish, but they don't care, they are just going to hover around cleaning off the crap growing on him.

I have to be a blowfish that can just puff up with all those spikes so I don't get eaten.

Open Eyes

Thanks unhappyguy,
When all this first happened and I began to have to address so many injuries and the severity of the damage and even the death of my dearest pony, I wasn't sleeping and I was really hypervigiallant and I was wrapped up in constantly caring for these injured animals and I had to handwalk my daughters horse and he is a really big horse and he was walking me, and if he even caught a glimpse of the neighbor's dog he would get all upset and even rear up. And this horse was never like this, he was placid and very easy going so it was a real challenge and I had to walk him in increasing lengths of time and let me tell you, walking a strong animal around in a sand ring, praying he would not catch that neighbor's dog in his sights was a nerve racking draining task. And I ended up with planters facietous in both my feet and I never had even heard of that. And I was in so much pain I really could bearly walk and I would crawl to the bathroom at night, and I still had to walk this and others as well and run a farm. It was pretty bad. And I also had a hospital like stall for the pony that eventually died and we nursed her for over a month every day with IV's and trying to feed her a watery gruel with a syringe.

And I broke bad, I think I was really in shock and I just could not get up one more day. And I spoke those words that sent me to a psychward and that experience was terrible, just awful. And my room had no heat and I was already shivering and the other patients all knew it was the room with no heat. And they never really let you sleep, they disturb you every 15 minutes and so I had to learn how to sleep every 15 minutes and they would open my door every 15 minutes and at that time I hadn't realized how much doors are a big trigger to me. And every 15 minutes my body filled with a rush of nerves. I would never go back there, ever. And I didn't know what PTSD was. And they kept giving me medication that made me so ill. And all I kept asking for was sleep and grief couceling and I got neither.

I had obtained an attorney before I got really exhausted and while I was in the hospital and eventually came home and got well enough I tried to contact her and she had left her firm and was dealing with some personal issues and so my lawsuit has been going on for just about 4 years now. So my wearyness is valid, I have done a lot of paperwork for my case.

And it is not me that forgets dates, it is my attorney. He even made an appointment with me and I went to see him and he didn't remember making the appointment and what it was for. And he did that with my daughter too.

So my trying to stay on top of this has really been a challenge. And at one appointment he told me it would be another six months, then another time he said one year and than another appointment he said two years and this last time there was no time frame just a lot longer, and more years. So, in that regard, I am lost. I have never done or gone through anything like this before.

I think I need to tape record him or something. But that would make him angry, geez, I don't know. I have to say, I often wonder how much of that old capacity is really there? And how do you ask a question like that, I have tried in as polite a way as I can.

And I honest do not believe that this last deposition was scheduled Sunday afternoon for Monday. And I talked to the receptionist and she told me he is always there on weekends working and he works a lot.
And I really think that he may be practicing old habits of being busy all the time and he is just so used to that constant work but his brain can't keep up with that anymore. I honestly don't know but that is what my gut tells me.

And, if I sign these papers and it is just him handling my case as the firm is disolving now, I will have nothing backing him. He will only have a paralegal and a secretary and I have not met either, they are never around when I am there. And they don't feel comfortable talking to me instead of me working with just him, it is strange. And I don't know if thats normal or not. So it is not like I can call the paralegal and just chat with whoever it is and tell that person to please keep me informed of a depositon. It is just really strange.

I made an appointment and sat and talked to him and told him how I am diagnosed with depression and knows about the PTSD and that I really need to know what is going on and be informed of the depositions coming up, and this is after one was scheduled for a month and he just forgot and canceled on the day it was scheduled. I honestly wonder if he remembers that appointment. Obviously he didn't get the message and I really made myself clear.

And there is a part of me that wonders if the summer was all about everyones vacations and less about proceeding forward. Well, I never got any vacation. And there is no one to help me with these animals right now. My daughter moved out.

At least my daughter got her deposition in and I was supposed to get a copy and I never got it and when I was in his office he couldnt find it.
He told me he would find it and send it and I never got it and this appointment was over 2 months ago.

Oh, I don't know, I am feeling better tonite and hopefully I will be better tomarrow and Ill give him a call. I just know I can't talk to him all upset.

And I really appreciate your feed back, it really helped a lot, I don't feel so alone.

Open Eyes

I had no idea,
I meant to put your name too on the above post. Thank you for your post.
I have been paddling a lot by myself with this lawsuit, and my arms have been very tired. So it was so nice of you to share your experience and knowledge with me.

I think this past weekend just basically poked a hole in my boat and it just really effected me. And believe me, I am taking every effort to make my neighbor understand I mean business. But I have to admit that if I do lose, he will make it a point to make it known everywhere he can and in every way. He has already torn down my no trespassing signs and thankfully the police have him on record admitting it. I wanted him to be charged and the police wouldn't do it, they just gave him a warning.
I didn't think that was right. And another time I had to call the police because he dismantled a wall I was building on my property because he didn't like it and by the time the police got here, the stone wall was gone and the rocks were thrown into the woods. Its like he makes efforts to some kind of ownership of my property, its strange. And this is even with the lawsuite going on.

I am going to keep fighting amongst all this strange circumstances. But I do have to say, it is a real challenge that is truely difficult in ways I could not have imagined.

Open Eyes

Open Eyes Your goal to keep a home for these horses who might not have a value in the market place, but whose value you do see, is a noble cause. I hope some miracle can make you have some security. To worry about whether you can continue caring for these feeling creatures who you love is the worst anxiety I can think of. (Well, there are worse. But love is involved here.) Worry about the welfare of these horses probably stresses you more than worry about yourself. They can't take care of themselves. That is huge to have on your shoulder.

I adopted a dog who turned out to be too much for me to handle. I tried getting her adopted and I went through one of the worst things emotionally I ever went through. An expert in Border Collies told me that she really was not adoptable. I did even think about euthanizing her. Well, I decided she loved me too much for me to do any option but keep her. She was real pretty and I knew lots of people would take her on her looks. But most wouldn't meet her special needs. They would just give her up again. So I had to keep her. It was the hardest thing I ever did. That dog was like a special needs child. I think she had a pretty good life with me, despite her emotional issues. But I did have to curtail my work schedule to work around when I could get care for her while I was at work. I lost a lot of money, refusing shifts because I couldn't leave her alone. It was an impossible situation. I stayed in a bad domestic situation because he came in handy to help with her care. Now it's behind me. I don't miss the stress. You couldn't pay me to take in another troubled dog. But - oh - my walls are decorated with photographs of her. She was the best friend I ever had. I am so glad I did the best I could for her. On my knees, I thank heaven that I found a way not to have to put her back in the adoption mill. Because I did have to work. The last summer of her life, I had to take her to work with me and let her sleep in the car. (The timing for that was lucky cause I worked night shift in the summer, and my boyfriend was hospitalized for months.) It was a job where I could go out frequently and walk her a bit and give water and a snack. It was a case of solving problem after problem, and I near lost my mind. So I do feel for you, because you care about you animals. I only had one, and that responsibility felt tremendous hard at times.

I hope you can keep your farm.

"HOW?"

When I think about this past weekend and this PTSD that I have and why it was such a challenge. And my therapist was on vacation last week so I really didn't get help with it and I don't even know how he CAN help me with this.

When I got that invitation in the mail it pushed a very painful button from my past and I really was not ready for it and never even imagined that I would be presented with this kind of challenge.

The woman next door, that is where the party was held, what did she mean to me emotionally? Well, there was a lot that woman did that truely took an abusive situation that I have been in and drew it out in a very public manner that made that abuse expand into me being ostrasized as well. And she also took and damaged whatever positive things I had that could have provided me with some kind of personal support or release.

This woman lamed my horse perminently so I did not have that outlet to get out and think. This woman, knowing that my husband was an alcoholic and just beginning to seek help in AA decided that I was no longer socially acceptable and therefore had no place being a leader of the brownie troop that we had lead together, me being leader and her being co-leader. And my daughter also was not socially acceptable for her daughter to be associated with thus all those friends withdrew from my six year old daughter. So everywhere I looked, everywhere, I became abused and I was so incredibly alone, anything that I had managed to accomplish as a loving mother, was taken away, in more ways than I could have imagined. And I say abused here because it really was abuse, it was very mean and very hard on me in every way.

In spite of all that loneliness, I pressed on and was slowly patient and did my best to support my husband and try my hardest to find ways for my daughter to feel confident and loved. I got my daughter into riding and we joined a riding club and this woman joined it too. And I slowly saw the faces of the other women present that same look as all the mothers of the other girls in my brownie troop. And let me describe that face. I am there and someone approaches and they don't look into my eyes, they look down and make every effort to get past me as quickly as possible.And as each walks by there is a cold breeze that tells me of my unworthyness and how I should also take my unworthy child away, just leave as I am not wanted.

And I had to see that take place with my very vulnerable little child that just did not understand why? And I had to do it quickly because I knew that my daughter would be picked on in some way that she could not possibly understand.

And so I quickly looked for another place where my daughter could flourish were that would not happen and she could just blossom. And I did find a stable where she could make friends and have a trainer and rides and enjoy herself. But I could not prevent that from happening at her school or even on the bus, though I did often drive her to school.And I did manage to find some friends for her because we did have ponies that girls did want to come and ride and that gave my daughter a chance to have some positive interactions with some other girls. And my daughter did have to learn that these friends and her had to come to an agreement that in school their friendship could not be recognized in front of that woman's child and that childs friends which were many as this woman was a bit of a socialite. But this request came from the other little girls that would come and ride and be friends and my daughter quietly agreed on her own. I will never forget over hearing my daughter address that so graciously.

And I worked at my farm slowly making efforts to build my small business and make my farm look more and more like a farm. All the while I had to also find ways to be patient with my husband who was trying to stay sober and went to meetings and worked too. So I had to be creative at building my own life around two struggling people, well, actually three including myself.

At that time I had an older couple living on the other side of me and the woman was very nosey, you know the type kinda knew who everyone was and observed everything she could. And I didn't mind that so much because I had to work away from home alot and I always knew that her busy body ways were like having an alarm system that kept my animals at home safe while I was away.

And that woman would tell me that the not so nice woman who lived next to me was constantly walking the property line and looking over to see what I was doing. And that made me feel strange but I felt that there was nothing I could do about it and at least I had the woman watch dog to keep an eye on things, ofcourse she didn't know that.

And, I was concerned about that socialite spying and thinking about whatever, so I began to build a big stone wall every spare minute and I got up very early and worked on this wall and digging up rocks and finding them in the woods and wetlands and many different places. I did have woods in the back where I was trying to make a little trail for my daughter to loop around with little jumps with her ponies and so there were a lot of rocks that I dug up by hand and collected for my wall. My wall is four feet tall and runs over a thousand feet long. There are many many hours, days, weeks, months, and even years into that wall and that wall also became a place where I could release my fears, stress,anger, and build a sense of protection and personal boundary. At that time I didn't know what grounding methods were but I did them.

And all this time I kept building my business and finding more ponies and soon it became something my whole family participated in. So in many ways it was extremely productive psycholgically and even financially, and yes, even spitually. And my daughter was very proud of it, actually we all were proud of it.

And then suddenly while the nosey lady next door was away, which no one could see from the road because that is an interior lot, someone was sneaking onto our property and harming my ponies. And one time, I had just left to do a job and my husband happened to come home for a tool he needed and he heard some horses squeeling and he quickly went to see what was happening and saw that someone had put a young throughbred mare in with his white pony and they were fighting, a bloody mess it was, thankfully no real damage. And he did not notice someone running away and jumping the wall and knocking some of it down. No, he was too busy with the fighting animals who could not have gotten in with each other by themselves. And only a horse person would know that would take place by putting two animals into a small paddock together, especially if they were female and male. And no one can see if I am home or not from the road, and I was only gone about 10 minutes it was eary someone was really watching somehow, thank god my husband just happened to need to stop at home.

So now I had a new worry, I had to worry about my animals safety while I was away working. And one pony must have been beaten in the face as I could not make any motions with my hands to her face, even brush it without her shying and reacting in great fear. This pony and two others also had their tails cut very short so their tails would look terrible. It took me years to get that pony comfotable with having her face touched again.

And then finally the woman next door sold her home and moved away and new people moved in, actually the man next to her bought it and put his three kids in the house and they had dogs and they did not understand how to contain their dogs at all and they also did not have any problem trespassing onto my property like it was their own. It took me several interactions with them to contain their dogs and I could only truely achieve that with the dog warden and fines.

And even then they wanted to throw big parties and set off fireworks right next to my horses and my barns. Oh these people had no regard for me or my property at all. And finally through much effort I found a way to what I tought was some kind of friendly neighbor relationship and respect.And many times this man would say, gee, I wish saw your property I would have bought that instead of mine. And somehow, it was always a quiet reminder in the back of my mind.

Well, only one dog would respect the underground fence and the other dog had to be tied. And the tied dog would get loose and I would yell and they would say sorry and fix the broken tie so I thought they got my message. But finally the underground electric fence broke and instead of fixing it they chose to let the dogs run at night while I slept. And that was the beginning of the end to everything I had worked very hard for for so many years in my business and even my daughter's riding and a major investement we made in her special horse.

And the beginning of a long expensive heartbreaking reality that to this day I cannot seem to process. And an admission at first until the amount of damage was revealed and that lead to a complete denial and a man and his family calling me crazy.

And then there are other neighbors who eventually did not want to contain their dogs either and that made it hard for me to deal with my remaining animals that are now extremely afraid of dogs. And even these people could not understand that they truely had to contain their dogs.
And all this took place well after the neighbors dog damaging almost every animal I owned and basically my business and pretty much all of our world.

And these are the people who were all at that party with that loud band.
And as I tried to do my best to believe that my animals would be ok, don't be hypervigiallant. When I woke up Sunday morning and saw a loose pony that I know could not have gotten loose on his own. I didn't take that well at all. I am not guilty of any unkindness in my life, how? is a constant question in my mind, can others be so cruel?

I did call my lawyer today, he has not returned my call and I know he is in his office. At least I called.

Open Eyes

Amongst all this struggle I suffered for years with endometriosis that was not diagnosed even though I kept asking for help. Every month I would get an attack where I could not move and was in extreme pain and it would last for about an hour.

I finally had an attack that last all night long and the only way to really find out what was going on was to go in and use orthoscopy. I was littered with it mostly on my right side and down my leg and I had to have it all lazored. I almost didn't come out of the anethesia so I have to make that known before any surgery. I was given an implant to stop my menstral cycle and that medication had a side effect that I was not warned of which was severe depression.
And I suddenly could not even function or get out of bed it was so severe and luckily this took place during my off season. I was given Zoloft and estrogen as I had no estrogen level in my blood. It took a long time for me to be able to once again think normally and function, but I did. I was sent into menapause very early and so I had to know, no more children and I also found out why I misscarried at 5 months when I did try to have another child.

I also almost died because I had my appendix rupture and leak into my body cavity and I thought I had a bad flew. I got so ill I had to be transported by ambulance and went through emergency surgery. Oh, and I just had surgery 10 days earlier on my akeelees tendon. And my body cavity was so infected with fluid I had to be completely opened up and they had to irrigate my body cavity to clean out the toxins. Luckily that happened in off season too for work. I had a long journey back to being able to function again. And up this point I had not purchased a horse for myself so my mom and I went out and I did find a beautiful horse. I was very weak and I could only ride him for about 5 to 10 minutes at a very slow pace in my ring.
And I had to also be careful because my akilees tendon was also healing. And I had to be really careful as well because even though the long row of staples were out, I still had a drain.

I was trying very hard during this process and my neighbors with the dogs didn't care, they still just set off their fireworks and my new horse was very frightened and the debris was landing into his small paddock. I had to risk my life trying to grab him and put him inside even though I struggled to walk and had to be careful of my stomach.

I had to walk a lot of tiny steps to becoming healthy and active again. And it was a very slow process. But I did survive and continue to work the farm and even work on the wall.

When I finally realized what this PTSD is, I was flashbacking and struggling and I could not understand. I really thought I coped and I got through a lot of terrible things. And I feel betrayed somehow because I really tried as long as I can remember. And one day I stood in my yard coming out of a flashback and I looked at my long stone wall, I wish I could put a picture of it here, no one believes I built it. All of a sudden all I could see was how many doors, walls, fences and ways I tried all my life to protect myself. And I did everything I could possibly think of to take every negetive and make it into a positive. I had no idea that, yes, I was really frightened many times and there were many challenges that I could never have imagined. But I could never have imagined that all of that must have went to a place in my brain that would one day present this condition.

I stood thinking how so much fear was put aside and went into a productive business and farm and so many positive efforts that all got destroyed, and how it presented this terrible thing called PTSD. Look at all these words and stories. A deep desire to talk about it all and find a reason why it had to all be so dam hard. And I got through so much, mostly very lonely. I did meet many nice people, people who knew me, not my husbands issues or the socialite views, but just "ME". And all my ponies, oh so many stories behind each them, where they came from how they were mistreated and how I worked really hard with them, how every single day I loved them because they were my ability to actually just be "ME" and have people smile at me and accept and appreciate "ME". There were no looking down faces in my business and being just "ME".

I feel very betrayed that I have this in my brain. I don't want to remember all the times I could NOT be "ME", because I was too busy being for others or just running.
And here I am in such a battle and trying to find my way back to just being "ME" again. I am tired of fighting this case, this attorney, these creepy people. I just want to get back to "ME". One day at a time, I am trying very hard. I understand that I am only going to be able to be some of "ME". And I have to find a way to work through this awful thing in my brain and become a new "ME". And every day I pray and every day I come here and read and find comfort in seeing others trying really hard too. I am looking at life in a very different way and I have learned a lot about people. Some people are just not nice people, that is the truth. And the one thing we all have is ourselves and our own personal journeys. It may have looked like I didn't fight back because I didn't confront those people that looked down. But I really never felt that was productive. I would have never had me at all had I really wasted my time doing that. And I have also come to understand that when people do bad things to me, their own guilt bothers them and they can't accept me somehow and it isn't my fault. I do not like being at the end of someones desire to extinguish their own lies and deceit, it is an awful painful place.

I really noticed that about people, they don't like to have a reminder around of their own short comings and oddly enough they will latch onto each other in odd ways to defend that desire to admonish that guilt in some way. And my mom says that socialite is jealous of me because I am attractive and I have my business, and I could never see that because they got left a lot of money and their home is a kind of showplace. I don't think it is that, I think it is the guilt that motivates her negetivity. And I have come to know that because my own husband did that in many odd ways because he hid his own guilt for so many years about being unfaithful. He was actually mean to me a lot and looked for reasons to devalue me. I think thats what people like to do, devalue their bad actions towards others by giving those actions a reason and doing that by seeking ways to devalue the other person. I really see that alot when I watch political interactions.

I saw that also when I saw that one of my daughter's trainers was abusing and neglecting his children really bad. This was a gross man who did not flash physically but did mentally and verbally and I could not believe that anyone could talk like him, it was beyond me. And I snuck our horse out of his barn and reported him to DCYFS, and even though others saw it they would not do anything, how awful. And that man did everything possible to try to drag my name in the dirt. But even though it was more expensive my daughters new trainers put an end to that.
But it was really odd to see how others join into devaluing others, I learned a lot from that.
And the mothers who kept their daughters with him anyway? Those girls became serious tramps.
So those parents may have saved money but their girls made them pay in other ways.
Yes amazingly, because he had cheaper rates, people defended him. I choose not to be around people like that, so I didn't go to that party next door. But that did effect my own safety, and that is what really bothered me. I did morn for the fact that I have to live near these kind of people, I would have rather had people that I could enjoy like many of my customers. But life doesn't seem to work that way for me. People can even choose to pursue someone to defend their guilt, even if that individual makes attempts to remove themselves, so I learned. I think guilt is a man eater no matter where someone stands.

Open Eyes

My therapist asked me why I stayed with my husband. I have been married for 31 years, wow, I talk to a guy and try to help him out and he is just about that age, LOL. Whoa, that really makes it so much longer when I think of that.

Anyway, my answer to him was because for the last almost 21 years, he was "TRYING". And yes, for 12 years he was kinda mean to me in odd ways that I couldn't understand. And that was because he was really struggling with the GUILT.
He didn't know wether to love me or hate me because of the twist GUILT does to the human brain. And there is still some residue of it as he watches me struggle with this PTSD and realizes his contribution to it. So it is very challenging for both of us and me in a way that I don't think he understands. I do love him and respect him for TRYING and working very hard too, he does work two jobs and he can't quite understand where this very strong lady that endured so much went. He doesn't understand how I could be so strong so many times and not now. And I am trying to understand that as well. This PTSD is a very difficult process in the brain to understand. I am TRYING and he has always been inpatient as a person to begin with but at least he "TRYS".

Open Eyes

I hope you can find joy in the daughter you are raising. It is beyond belief what people are capable of. I would never have expected people to even think of doing so much evil. You had the worst luck in the world in regards to a place to build your horse farm. Too bad you weren't in a community with neighbors who were also horse farmers. Those people are lucky enough to enjoy the beauty of horses near them, and think to act so monstrous.

A few years ago, I went back to school for a semester in a branch college about 30 miles south of my city. It was real rural down there. What do you think was a common business down that way? Breeding horses and growing hay and alfalfa. It was a long drive to school, but it was a joy to drive past the little ranches and see those horses. I would approach the college on small country roads where, if I pulled my car to the side, I could just about reach out and touch a horse who was near the property fence.

These weren't big ranches, just little horse farms. I was told that some of the people didn't make money off the horses, but raised them for the love of doing it. I used to wonder "How does a horse decide when to lie down?" I don't know anything about horses, and that made it fascinating to me. I would stop the car and roll down the window and try to talk to a horse that would be near the fence. Pretty white painted fences. And seeing hay for sale here and there.

How I wish you were in a community like that. I don't believe anyone does malicious stuff like that down in this place I'm telling you about. I am in a western state. I think there is such a tradition of horses and ranching here that people are naturally protective of that whole way of life. It sounds like there is no tradition among the people who have lived near you. No tradition of respect. They probably have no long history of their families being on that land, like is the case out here. It is a very sorrowful story that you've told, but there are things to be learned from it. I don't know these people - your neighbors - but they have no pride in themselves, or in the place where they live. Sadly, that is what they will pass down to their children.

0kay, just had another major trigger and still don't have a T. I'm calling my pdoc today to see who she recommends. 2 people gunned down within 2 blocks of my house and I heard the gunshots so feel in a way I witnessed people having their lives so brutally taken. I'm in a town of 8000 and I moved from the big city after having to deal with gun crazy people where I lived. My coffee hangout had a guy come in and shoot 8 rounds, and then a restaurant owner was gunned down. These I had considered my safe places. So I move to a small town in New Mexico and the sounds of death are still echoing in my ear. I have a friend that listened to me talk thru all my emotions last night but today I wake up with horrible anxiety and freaking out. Why is this world so cruel? It's everywhere you go.

(((((porcupine2))))))

I am so sorry, thats terrible, yes there is a lot of cruel things going on in the world right now, it is hard when it comes close to home. I completely understand how much that causes the PTSD to really kick in because PTSD is triggered when we dont feel safe, me too.

I have been having a few days of the bad reactions too, but I am finding that the further the event gets behind me the better I am managing with the effects of PTSD.
Hopefully this is an isolated incodent and is not something random. There is a lot of anger in the world today so all we can really do is manage life one day at a time.

Open Eyes

Thanks Open Eyes for the kind words. Time heals all wounds (most of the time). At least they caught the shooter now and it was a personal conflict, not something random. I envy the other countries who have strict gun control laws - especially Canada. In the USA you can bring a gun to church - it is craziness!