Another tantrum

I guess its the work on past abuse and how I feel about myself. I have flashbacks of my mother and it is really disturbing me to the point where I couldnt go back to sleep this morning. I got up and did a million things in the house and then a million things were frustrating me. I sweet moments with my kids and then I got upset/angry quickly. I feel like at any moment I can fall off the edge.

I had another tantrum and my son (my almost 11 yr old) got very sad. I feel awful. How can I act like this? I told him it wasnt his fault, he did nothing wrong. I feel like I need to be locked away somewhere because I am out of control. Im assuming it is because of what has come up this week from reading the letter to ftt, but it doesnt connect in my mind for me, I just feel "irritable" and self-destructive.

Ugh! I love my children so much, they deserve better. I just want to make it up to them all day, until the next out of control moment

I know the rising feeling of badness that can reach a fevered pitch that seems absolutely out of our control. It has to be released you know? It seems the only way for relief.

I know it may seem hopeless sometimes and that your mind/emotions just seem to have their own agenda, but you are definately not alone in feeling this way.

I, too had a very abusive mother, and the ramifications are long lasting.

It is far from my intent to make you feel worse, but IMO, there really is nothing you can do to make it up to your children when you have a tantrum, especially if this behaviour is likely to be repeated in an unpredictable way. Actually, the available data are very clear on this matter. It damages them and undermines the trust, security and nurturing they can and should expect from a mother. It changes who they are.

I am confident that you want none of that for your kids.

When you feel this way do you think that you could establish a plan to reach out for help prior to progressing to a tantrum? I'm a relatively new poster here, and don't know the whole story, but is the kids' father around or of any help? Perhaps when you feel this way you can separate yourself from your kids in some way?

Maybe there is some form of self-talk or grounding exercise you could do to stave off the feelings until it is more appropriate to express them in a non-self-destructive way?

Let's talk about what you've tried that hasn't worked, and maybe all of us here can help you to find (1) some peace and (2) some measure that will help you to help your kids.

When you told your son that it isn't his fault this is the best thing to do. Our children are not made of glass. The world isn't always going to be nice to them. They can handle it IF you are open and honest with them and tell them that you are sorry, it isn't their fault and that you are just working through some stuff and it will get better. The things that hurt children are the lack of communication about bad things not necessarily the bad things.

I'm sorry, blue, I know this is so hard and the out-of-control feeling it brings doesn't help things.

It sounds impossible to do, but I have found much relief in not trying to escape the feelings of irritability and rage. They are going to come, you can't stop them (not if you want to heal, anyway). They are a natural part of resolving trauma. What you can do is find ways to manage them.

I easily fell into a cycle of "I get triggered---> mad----> react and hurt someone---> feel ashamed and try to stuff everything-----> I get triggered. Instead of trying to break the cycle in the early phases, which stuffed the feelings, T and I worked on intervening at the point where I react. I work with kids and I got really good at saying, "You know what? This is making me really mad right now, so I need to take a break. I'm not mad at you, I'm frustrated with myself." So I would drop whatever we were doing for just a moment and acknowledged how mad I was. Just being able to speak to it (as Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Hello, my little anger!") helped it dissipate much more quickly than trying to control it or stuff it.

And the positive was, I was modeling for my kids how to manage really overwhelming feeling like they experience. It got so they were able to do the same thing when they were mad, instead of lashing out.

You are okay, bluemoon. You are angry and irritable and still entirely okay.

I think an apology to the child is essential and can indeed be healing. Maybe more than one apology over time will be necessary, especially if this is a repeated pattern. I think behavioral strategies for avoiding blowing up around your kids can be helpful and would be a good topic for talking to ftt about. Most therapists would have very practical ideas for how to deal with this. Meanwhile, in therapy, you can continue to do the difficult work, but outside of therapy, you can manage your behavior so that others aren't impacted by it. I think removing yourself from the situation is one approach, another is to learn ways to express anger less destructively (easier said than done, I know). I remember once my T said (in regard to expressing anger)--expressing anger is OK, but rage is not. I think he meant that rage can be really damaging to the other person, that rage is out of control. Anger need not be damaging or out of control.

(((Blue))) I know that you don't want to rage and I also know how it is when that happens so fast and uncontrollably. It happens too fast to intercept it. That is part of the frustration with it and even as you become more aware of the process, seeing that it's past the point of interception makes it feel even worse.
Sit down with your kids and tell them what you can in a way that they can most understand (I know your youngest won't be able to) that you are having a difficult time when you feel angry right now. Tell them this will get better and that your doctor is helping you to make it get better. It isn't their fault and there isn't anything for them to do about it.
If you can, try to maintain a consistant daily schedule for now. It will help everyone know what to expect when. Routine is comforting, predictable, reassuring for everyone.
Say no. When you need time for you, take it and let your kids know you need time for yourself, as we all do. Let them see that you are a whole person with whole person needs including the need for quiet times to relax, unwind, just be still for a while. Prepare them by helping them decide what they will do during your quiet time. A family plan.

You want to make it up to them. You can't. It's happened and can't be undone. Of course you wish it hadn't and you feel guilty. If you didn't it would be a whole different scenario. Try not to add more frustration by way of guilt and indebtedness. Forgive yourself as much as you can and go on, taking the experience with you. Each time it happens, it reinforces your desire to change it. You will. But it takes forgiveness or you will be stuck in it. And it takes time and energy and you are already applying both of those things. It will get better.

Thank you, Eliiemay...
Im so sorry The effects of having an abusive mother have made me into someone I have spent my entire life trying to change.

That is right. I know it is true. And it does make me feel hopeless. My previous therapist, infamously known as desk-t, used to say this to me in every different way possible. It made me feel hopeless and suicidal. I have a close relationship with them, but I have these unpredictable moments when I have tantrums and it does upset the more sensitive of my kids. I dont want them to feel unsafe and unprotected or that they have to take care of my feelings before their own. I have talked to them about all of this. Especially my 11 yr old son who gets very sad when I am upset. I dont want any of this for any of them. I am trying, I am aware and I stop the tantrum way sooner than I would have been able to in the past. ANd that is where I am. And for sure, there are fewer of them as I am working with my current therapist and went on medication.

Yes- it is what I am working on with my therapist. Things to do to ground myself before I go into a tantrum. I can go into angry-mode faster than I can remember to ground myself and then "watch" as I get angry. I am working on catching it earlier when I get angry and dissociate from my feelings. I am not in good control of my feelings and actions even before the tantrum starts and that is the point to ground myself as long as I can catch myself then. Which I did not this morning, I was in busy and dissociated mode.

Let's talk about what you've tried that hasn't worked, and maybe all of us here can help you to find (1) some peace and (2) some measure that will help you to help your kids.[/quote]

Thank you, Elliemay. Id love some peace. What has worked is noticing when I am getting overwhelmed, detaching and feeling more and more out of control. It works, but it is not easy to do to "catch" myself when I am "going." What hasnt worked is making myself feel guilty or dismissing where it is coming from. Telling myself just to stop. My previous (desk-t) was behaviorally oriented and her techniques did not seem to help. What was behind the anger was dismissed/ignored.

Yes! It is so clear to me that these tantrums have picked since we are working on the letter and mother stuff. Its not something I can dismiss.

This is good. Hello my little anger. It embraces the feeling and does not try to stuff what is not stuffable.

Id like to be a better model of how to handle being overwhelmed. Thanks, Skeksi.

Sunny- I talk to them and that is the only bright spot in this situation. I talk to my son (and other children) and address the feelings I think he may be having. Im very relieved that he talks to me and feels close enough to open up to me about how it makes him feel.

The blowing up thing- it isnt that I am angry at him or any of my kids. I am not blowing up at them or yelling directly at them. Though I cant say I have never been guilty of that. But the tantrum thing is different. What happens is that I may be frustrated with something I am doing, or I get overwhelmed with whatever is going on in the house and have my own blowing up tantrum away from them. I may be frustrated with them, but they are not doing anything wrong and I want them to know that. It is old rage. I feel that, it feels like a young me raging at something that has nothing to do with what may be going on in front of me. I am triggered and it is VERY difficult to step in and tell myself to STOP.

Echoes- Thank you for everything you said. Yes, it is SO hard to stop it, its as if I "watch" it happening. And that IS part of the frustration.

The more I post about it and the more I talk about it with ftt, the easier it gets to notice what is going on with me before I am past the point of intercepting it. It makes me feel more in control when I talk/post about this.

This afternoon I made my daughter (my 5 yo) a "tooth fairy pillow" because she has her first wiggly tooth. Just doing that craft with her was so soothing and we spent some good time together. And now I get the frustration of pushing my 15 yo to finish her homework. Ftt and I were talking about the difficulty of having so many kids at different stages. And I am constantly changing gears for each kid.

Thank you so much for saying this

Yeah, exploding at the kids. BTDT. I have a mom friend who I call in my worst moments, and that has helped. Do you have anyone you can call?

I also send my kids upstairs/outside/downstairs, where ever is away from me. I tell them I'm taking a time out, to calm down. I try do to this before I get super out of control.

And yeah, apologizing. Lots of apologies.

There are no perfect parents. We ALL have issues. And I think that kids can grow up stronger when we are able to handle our issues. They will see you getting angry, and getting over it in a healthy manner (even if this is not always the case). I swear, I should have started up a therapy fund for my daughter before she was born, because she'll inevitably need it.

There are times when I've contemplated suicide because of how screwed up I fear I'm making my kids. Of course, in daylight I realize how ridiculous that is, because what could screw up a kid more - a dead mom or being screamed at?

Take heart, Blue. I'm guessing that you are giving your kids way more good than bad, and when all is said and done, they'll turn out as healthy, happy adults, who have more empathy for those who are hurting than others. Just my thoughts.

I like this advice. I can imagine how much different I would view and experience anger if my parents had done this (as opposed to the tight-lipped, seething "I'm FINE!" as they threw things).

(((((((((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))))))))

You've received such great words of advice here. I wonder if you could print any of it that really speaks to you and hang it somewhere? Sometimes I put little reminders somewhere of things that I am worried I will forget in an emotional moment.

Be gentle with you. You are where you are, and you are working to get to a better place. My T has been working so hard lately to make me understand the idea of "good enough". Not in a flippant "oh, it's good enough" kind of way...but in a deep, authentic, truthful, grace-ful kind of way. When I can believe that I am good enough, I can be more gentle with me and with everyone around me.

You made a mistake. And you admitted it, and apologized, and you are working to find ways to do it differently next time. THAT is good enough. That is deserving of grace and forgiveness.

It seems like when things have become unbearably hard in therapy lately, you've ended up having a tantrum. I wonder if it would be good to take a step back and put more coping skills into place before you move back into the trauma work. T and I have had to do that a lot. For ME, if I start losing my temper, losing lots and lots of time, having urges to self-harm, etc. it is a message that I need to slow down. And as much as I have this desire to push forward and just get to the other side, I have learned to listen to that message and to slow down. We need to heal AND we need to be able to be present in our busy lives. There is a balance there. We'll never be able to strike a perfect balance, but we can try to stay near the balanced place. Being near the balanced place is good enough.

I want to give you a big, BIG hug and remind you to be gentle with you.

to you, sweet friend

moonrise- I loved your post...and if my kids werent literally eating up every dime we have, Id start up that therapy fund...for all 6 of them.

I am going to do that. I think I have done it....send them somewhere else for the minute. It is something that has come up in therapy- that I never have alone time. Never. I almost always have someone on top of me, quite literally. I cant go to a room alone. This had come up in therapy with my kids with dt, too. I need a breather and never get it unless I am out of the house. My H helps, but not as much as I believe he should. As long as I do everything, he is happy with that And that came up in therapy with him. He changes, helps more and then reverts back to not doing as much. I dont know, if someone else was in my house all the time and saw what goes on, they might say he helps a lot. There is just a lot to do here and it takes a lot of time and effort.

Skeksi- If my parents were even a fraction as aware of their behavior as I am...... I might be a different person. But why go there.....

Men! lol. Sometimes you have to make sure they understand that it isn't temporary help but a new full time responsibility.

I can SO relate to this, especially since I homeschool. My boys are ALWAYS HERE!

Yesterday, I went out to get my car emissions checked without my boys. I was sitting in the waiting room at the car place flipping through People magazine and I realized I felt SO peaceful. And then I realized that my peaceful moments tend to come in my car in parking lots (when the boys are at home), emissions waiting rooms...places where I can get a quiet moment alone. I would love to find a way to give more of that to myself. I can get up before the kids, or stay up after they go to bed, but there is a LOT of day in between those times. Maybe you and I can brainstorm ways to get some alone time...and then hold each other accountable

Actually, my T and I have realized that one of the BIGGEST benefits of therapy for me is having that hour of quiet space all to myself.

Tree- What soothing words. Im speechless. I was thinking about printing out the thread. There are so many really good suggestions that have gotten me through this evening. I feel much more aware tonight.

I havent written much in my journal though and I dont understand why. Its as if its too painful to give thought to in my journal. I have this feeling like I will explode if I write. Im supposed to write about triggers this week. Every minute is a trigger. And Im too paralysed to write.

I understand that "good enough" place. Not a flippant good enough. But I am good and I am enough. That is work to get to that place. And to be gentle. It makes me sad for some reason when you say I deserve grace and forgiveness. That I deserve of forgiveness. That is new to me.

I need better copinbg skills. Better than trying to control it. I am acting out with food again and am back down to 110. I know its all about control. Im scared. I am scared of not being able to control the 8 year old that seems to be in control when I get overwhelmed. Ftt and I talked about that a lot in the last session (I forgot about that). But I cant remember what she said to do. But I think it was something similar to what you said about balance being able to be an adult and a mother, yet acknowledging that the 8 yo wants to throw things. To allow her to be with me, tell her gentle things, and continue to be an adult. It is hard work and takes every ounce of mental energy and restraint. I guess I dont understand how to to push forward yet slow down.

How do I slow down with so many things pushing at me? Especially flashbacks of my mother. I have not had such vivid memories of her in decades. I feel like all of this will kill me, even though I know it wont. But it feels that way. I so wish I was not in this place.

Oh gosh, Blue. No alone time? Of course you are irritable. I need alone time or I become very irritable very quickly.

I think sometimes we can get caught up with taking care of everyone else's needs and forget our own. But, in the long run, taking time for yourself, will benefit everyone. Is there any way for you to get a break and get away for a few hours?

((((Blue)))),

Everyone else has given you such good advice. I don't have much of anything to give these days except my caring about you.

This is something T can help you with. T and I can usually find something that will help me slow down. Sometimes it's physically writing things down and leaving them in his office to deal with later. Sometimes it's letting my younger parts know that they can REST for a while...that we want to hear them, and we will, but we need to do it later. Sometimes it's coming up with ways for me to stay present in my life NOW...things I find soothing, or things that keep me busy or whatever.

I think an important piece of it for me is the promise to my self that I WILL get back to the work later. I'm not pushing it away forever...I'm just saying "this is important, and I am going to deal with it when I can cope with it a little better". That's okay. And I always DO get back to it. We move in and out of it, over and over again, for as long as it takes.

Breathe

Rainbow- How do you feel? Youve been quiet? Hows the baby doing? Still doing well? Its OK, you dont have to write anything, I love knowing you are there. I feel your caring

Brightheart- Its amazing, huh? I get very little time alone. No time. I am not alone when I post here. I do get out now and then though. Dt started me going out- if there was anything good that came out of seeing her...I go out for dinner with friends. My 2 yo is not in school anymore so when I go to lunch, I bring her, but my friends all entertain her and if she is eating she isnt paying attention to anyone so its almost like being out to lunch with friends.

It does make me irritable when I feel like its just too much of everyone wanting me all at once for long stretches of time.

Tree- Im going to talk about it with ftt. I like that you leave things in Ts office to work on later. It relieves you of having to carry them around. And letting my younger parts rest. I feel my 5 yo and 8 yo pushing at me to act out. UGH! I will ask ftt, I dont know how to let them rest, I never have because I didnt understand what was going on. And then to be present in my life now. I dont think I have ever been "closer" to my younger parts than I am now.

Maybe if we get to know one another better, I can help you with getting alone time. Just a thought...

I'm glad you are able to get away from your kids before you have the tantrum. That is really good coping. Since you are not with them when it happens, do they know you are having the tantrum? Maybe another way to look at the tantrum is that it helps you blow off steam away from your kids? I'm not sure what the tantrum is--crying?, yelling? There was this couple I knew once who were into primal therapy--have you heard of that? It is where you go off by yourself and scream at the top of your lungs. It sounds strange, but they found it very helpful for releasing their feelings and tension. They had this little padded hut they had built where they would go to scream. No one was harmed by it because their scream wasn't directed at anyone or even heard by anyone. What you wrote reminded me a little of that.

Youre an amazing mom! I always have my little one, but even the day isnt long enough before I pick everyone up beginning at 2:50 and then it can get very busy. I have easy days and hard days. Especially if they are tired and cranky. Especially the teens and now my almost 11 yr old is starting acting teenagerish.

I also feel like waiting rooms and therapy is my ONLY break. There is always someone who needs constant attending to.

I had an AWFUL experience today at my boys school basketball game, but handled it better than I thought I would. The game started 1 hour late, I knew I was going to be in trouble and the little girls were not going to last the 1 hour plus the 1 hour game. It was like I brought 2 little monkeys with me. The parents there dont get upset, other people brought little kids, but I felt like I did not have the inner strength this afternoon to be creative and occupy them. I did the best I could, no tantrums (for me!), I took deep breaths and tried to ground myself but there was a point I told them that I was taking them home. I had to talk to myself and realize I was being triggered by their behaviour. And the truth is, they were bored, any little kid would have been bored because we were there too long, but I was feeling out of control and ignored. But I did not act on anything. I was patient and we made it through the game and went out with the team/parents afterward.

Brightheart- wow, thanks. I am once again trying to find time to go out. I think I will be going out for dinnner this week with my friends. We are making plans. And even with lunch plans, I have to bring my 2 yo. She is usually occupied at lunch, but if she is not, its not worth the effort to get together with my friends. It can turn into more stress.

Sunny- Yes, I can yell and throw things. It isnt an extended thing, but they know I am out of control for the moment. It does feel like blowing off steam, too. I dont cry, but I have cried afterwards when I see the damage I have done.

About Primal Therapy- I remember reading about it in the 70s (or so). We did that in rehab. The rehab I was in had a very physical/visceral approach to recovering from addiction. It worked for me then. I wish I could do that now. How Id LOOOOOVE to have a little padded hut in my yard where I could go to scream!

I want to bring something up in therapy (Im seeing ftt wed this week). Im sure how to describe what I want to bring up. I feel like I need something "interactive" in terms of my feelings about my mother. I did psychodrama group for 10 yrs. It was a very active, experiential type of therapy. I think it has a way, for me, of going around my fears, kind of like going in the back door to get to my feelings. I dont know if ftt has any experience in "active" (I dont know what word to use for this kind of therapy) type of therapy. I am a little afraid to ask....

Go, bluemoon! The feelings were manageable--it was hard, but you aknowledged them and contained them. I'm proud of you

THIS is what helps me so much with my boys. They have their own "little boy" point of view, and things like wandering around the knitting store looking at yarn (their worst torture) or being trapped at a siblings game for too long just suck for them. When I can remember that, it's easier to either guide them into better behavior or to accept how they are.

I don't know about you, but a fear of being judged by other people used to be HUGE for me and it would make me lose my temper in situations where I'd be fine otherwise. ESPECIALLY when my middle son (with autism) was 2, 3, 4, and 5...you would not BELIEVE the dirty looks I got. When I learned to let my fear of being judged go, I was able to become a more relaxed mom.

I think it is AWESOME that you recognized that you were triggered, that you realized that they were just in a boring situation, and you handled it the best you could.

As for bringing up your therapy idea with ftt - my T always says that WE know what we need to heal. I think that if you feel drawn to doing something more "active" or with role playing or whatever, then that must be what you NEED to do.

Lots of to you. You are doing such a good job