[deliquesce]

austin-t told me today that he knows there's a connection with me somewhere but that he has to really dig for it and it is really hard to find.

dont really have anything else to say. i feel like such a failure.

[velcro003]

Deli! You are NOT a failure, I repeat....NOT A FAILURE.

You have HUMONGOUS walls up. And for good reason. It is going to be HARD for AustinT to reach you past those walls. Did you feel negativity/frustration coming from him? He probably was just making an observation, because I get the feeling that you don't realize how closed off/how quickly you stuff any feelings back. It makes it hard to get to know someone for real when they do that. I know that because I do the same things, Deli!

It is so so so hard. I also am feeling like a failure in T right now too, as my T told me that I make life harder on myself. She is right, but it doesn't make me feel good about myself I know it has to be hard for her knowing I am squirming with anxiety and pain in her office and I can't talk about it.

I feel you.

Keep going.

I am here! Always.

[googley]

(((((((Deli))))))))

I'm so sorry that he said that. It hurts when T doesn't feel like they can connect with us. I know it would make me feel like I was doing something wrong. But you aren't doing something wrong. Austin-T wants to connect with you. I know that you have described before how much you keep things to yourself. I think this might be what he is talking about. He wants you to be able to reach out to him for support. I think he wants to be connected and wishes that you would let him help you more. Please don't take his statement (which seems somewhat awkward on his part) as a rejection of you. I think he wants to feel more connected and just doesn't know how to do that.

[WePow]

Maybe austin-t told wants a deeper connection with you? That sounds good.
Those who have been hurt in the past set up walls. That is how survival works.
It is not anything "wrong" or "bad" about you as a person. You are responding based on past experience. And maybe T does not know yet how to get through those walls. Perhaps you have to show T a few windows or doors?

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

austin-t told me today that he knows there's a connection with me somewhere but that he has to really dig for it and it is really hard to find.

dont really have anything else to say. i feel like such a failure.

Not knowing the context, obviously that doesn't sound helpful. BUT: It's been said about me, too, by my T's. (And others. Everyone). He probably didn't do well at getting his point across well and with the intended effect.

I wouldn't take that as a negative thing (again, not knowing more context). It sounds, as someone else said, merely like an observation. It's also personal to him. Probably some others find it easier to connect with you, some less. If you were more similar in some ways for some given X's, X=[x:x ~ culture, level of intelligence, religion, values, etc.], maybe it would be easier for HIM in particular. Connecting is a 2-way street.

You're not a failure. You're just so far from the median in certain ways, e.g. intelligence, trauma history, etc. that the number of people who are enough "like" you is smaller than for most.

You've been a great success lately in very important ways.

[deliquesce]

i dont want to go back. i know im wasting his time. i went in there today wanting to talk about stuff, i'd even ordered it in importance in my head, but i got there and he started his question routine and i just clammed up. are you eating, how many hours are you sleeping, are you getting out of the apartment, how have you been feeling, can you tell me more feelings etc. and i just sat there feeling worse and worse until the things i wanted to talk about didnt seem important anymore.

i told him to stop with the 20 questions and so he said, "ok, just one question" and asked me something i dont remember but it was beside the point - it was still him putting me on the hotseat. and i tried to tell him that so he said what did i want to talk about and that he would sit there in silence until i was ready to tell him something and then he could respond. and then i started crying and that's when he told me he found it hard to connect to me. and he said it's because i hold everything back but how could i start talking when he'd just said that?

i had been looking forward to this session because i needed it and i just feel like it made everything worse.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by imapatient

Not knowing the context, obviously that doesn't sound helpful. BUT: It's been said about me, too, by my T's. (And others. Everyone). He probably didn't do well at getting his point across well and with the intended effect.

I wouldn't take that as a negative thing (again, not knowing more context). It sounds, as someone else said, merely like an observation. It's also personal to him. Probably some others find it easier to connect with you, some less. If you were more similar in some ways for some given X's, X=[x:x ~ culture, level of intelligence, religion, values, etc.], maybe it would be easier for HIM in particular. Connecting is a 2-way street.

You're not a failure. You're just so far from the median in certain ways, e.g. intelligence, trauma history, etc. that the number of people who are enough "like" you is smaller than for most.

You've been a great success lately in very important ways.

thanks impy. im sad because he's been the easiest person for me to find a connection with. he used to say before how alike we were and how he could easily talk to me for hours. i though we had a connection too.

i know i've been putting up walls. we sit in silence a lot. so i think i've pushed him away. i didnt mean to.

[velcro003]

Deli, You DO have a connection! Keep going. It is getting really hard now because it is going deeper. Before you concentrated mainly on Uni stuff. Now you are getting more to the nitty gritty of feelings. Blech. THey suck.

Just keep swimming...Just keep swimming...

[deliquesce]

you're the best, velcro .
what you said makes sense.
thank you for making me smile - i liked dory.

[jexa]

Ughhh that session sounds awful. Going in wanting to talk, ending up not able to bring up what you wanted to say. Squirming in the hotseat. I have no words of wisdom, don't know how to fix this, but here are some hugs.

I am in that boat lately in session. Can't speak, can't look at T, feeling her eyes staring at me. Therapy sucks sometimes.

[deliquesce]

thank you, jexa .

i sent him a txt. i said sorry im difficult to connect with, that i know no one likes me in a meaningul way & that i dont want to waste his time anymore if we dont have a connection so to cancel next week's appt. he replied saying no need to apologise & that he had to tell me because that's likely how others would see me also and that he would keep my spot open if i changed my mind.

anyway, i'm giving up. if that's how people see me then so be it. i dont have the energy to keep trying anymore. i see pdoc on wednesday and will talk it over with him but he's a good person to me so he'll make it ok.

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

thank you, jexa .

i sent him a txt. i said sorry im difficult to connect with, that i know no one likes me in a meaningul way & that i dont want to waste his time anymore if we dont have a connection so to cancel next week's appt. he replied saying no need to apologise & that he had to tell me because that's likely how others would see me also and that he would keep my spot open if i changed my mind.

anyway, i'm giving up. if that's how people see me then so be it. i dont have the energy to keep trying anymore. i see pdoc on wednesday and will talk it over with him but he's a good person to me so he'll make it ok.

Sounds like he was having a very, very off day. Doesn't sound like the usual Austin-T.

What he's not doing--directly--is taking ownership of his part of the situation--relationships being a two-way street. Maybe there's an issue with him about it. Which I bet is what he's thinking, that he's failing you as a T and so he's b;laming what he perceives as a failure to connect on you rather than his own failings as a T. T's are supposed to be able to connect with far many more people than the rest of us. If they lack that expanded empathy and ability to relate, they're in the wrong profession.

Where he's def. gone haywire is trying to communicate to you what is a simpel point--you're not as easy to connect with as many other people. That describes all therapy patients, I think. If it were so easy for us to connect (like others) we wouldn't be in therapy at all.

Austin-T also gets an "F" (all F's today for him) for not responding by saying that your appointment is still scheduled as far as he's concerned.

Don't let one human's failings (Austin here, me at other times), ruin your feelings about yourself and things. He blew it today, probably feels like he's professionally failing in not helping you as much as he thinks he should be, and not taking responsibility for his part. Maybe he'll come around on his own; I bet you'll have to bring this up to him next session.

You've done incredible in the past few months--
passing uni,
getting to honours,
your promotion and job recognition (and raise),
moving out/in,
handling your trip abroad well (a very big deal involving multiple, new, and massive adjustments socially, personally, etc.),
handling med changes,
handling dodo-brain pdoc and his recent professional failings and sticking up for yourself,
doing a great job with some of the family difficulties and severe stress that have arisen,
handling friend/roommate issues......
in addition to usual things like going to work.....

Austin-T is not giving (you) recognition to all the positive things you've done/accomplished, changes made.

apologies for typos. don't have it in me to review and edit.......

[sunrise]

Deli, I just read this thread--ouch, what a rotten text msg from austin-T. I think text messaging might be even more prone to miscommunication than emails. I don't agree with what austin-T said, based on how you are on this board. You seem very easy to connect with, and are good at sharing what is going on with you but also good at responding to others in need.

I hope you'll go see him and talk face to face about his connection comment. I think he should be reminded that he has previously said how alike you were and how he could talk easily with you for hours. I think he is being very inconsistent and it would be good to show him that by reminding him of his words. Then perhaps he'll realize what a buffoon he was to you last time. I do not think that you imagined a connection with austin-T that does not exist. I think he was probably a bit frustrated when you drew back from all his questions. And then started crying. He probably has no idea he caused the problem by using the 20 questions technique. He's probably thinking, what is the matter, why is she crying, why won't she tell me? But you did tell him to stop interrogating you and he kept right on.

i got there and he started his question routine and i just clammed up. are you eating, how many hours are you sleeping, are you getting out of the apartment, how have you been feeling, can you tell me more feelings etc. and i just sat there feeling worse and worse until the things i wanted to talk about didnt seem important anymore.

The badgering would have the same effect on me, deli. I wish you could establish a different routine with him so he doesn't do that 20 questions thing. Do you think he realizes how offputting it can be?

Deli, I hope you don't give up on austin-T and think his inconsistent behavior means you are somehow at fault. I think he really messed up. I hope pdoc will have some insight and can provide encouragement.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

anyway, i'm giving up. if that's how people see me then so be it. i dont have the energy to keep trying anymore. i see pdoc on wednesday and will talk it over with him but he's a good person to me so he'll make it ok.

I wish you could hold fast to your own view of your self and not let austin-T be the supreme arbiter of who deli is. You know who you are. Austin-T doesn't get to determine that or pronounce judgment. Plus, austin-T speaks only for himself, not for other "people". Don't let who you know yourself to be be swayed by one therapist's stupid comment. If tomorrow, pdoc says something different than austin-T, who will you believe? I hope you can believe what your self knows to be true.

[darkrunner]

Deli
You've gotten a lot of good feedback here.
My heart aches for you.
I don't have a lot to add, and for some reason I am feeling like I am being bothersome when I reply to your threads.
I'm sure that is just my mind working funny today? I hope so.
Anyway....I just wanted to give you a couple impressions I had when reading your posts.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i dont want to go back. i know im wasting his time.

My T would say THAT ^^ is mind reading.
(at me and T, not you)

Originally Posted by deliquesce

are you eating, how many hours are you sleeping, are you getting out of the apartment, how have you been feeling, can you tell me more feelings etc.

Maybe he is overly concerned? Maybe he has been thinking of you and wondering about all of these things, and so when he saw you all of these questions poured out? IDK - just a different way to look at it.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i told him to stop with the 20 questions and so he said, "ok, just one question" and asked me something i dont remember but it was beside the point - it was still him putting me on the hotseat. and i tried to tell him that so he said what did i want to talk about and that he would sit there in silence until i was ready to tell him something and then he could respond. and then i started crying and that's when he told me he found it hard to connect to me. and he said it's because i hold everything back but how could i start talking when he'd just said that?

This stinks. He handled this kind of badly, IMO.
What is up with that?

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i had been looking forward to this session because i needed it and i just feel like it made everything worse.

Maybe sometimes in therapy, things have to get worse before they can get better? Not to be nonchalant about it, but so much of what I read on this forum is extremely painful sessions, people having trouble opening up to T, having misunderstandings and wanting to quit (Me included) - this doesn't mean that all is hopeless and that therapy has to end. Maybe just that you and austin-T need to work past this problem, and try to keep going. I don't think any part of how he acted was coming from a place of him not caring about you, or wanting to help you, even though it did come off that way.

Originally Posted by deliquesce

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i sent him a txt. i said sorry im difficult to connect with, that i know no one likes me in a meaningul way & that i dont want to waste his time anymore if we dont have a connection so to cancel next week's appt. he replied saying no need to apologise & that he had to tell me because that's likely how others would see me also and that he would keep my spot open if i changed my mind.

anyway, i'm giving up. if that's how people see me then so be it. i dont have the energy to keep trying anymore. i see pdoc on wednesday and will talk it over with him but he's a good person to me so he'll make it ok.

I REALLY don't think it is wise to quit via a text.
I don't know much about anything, but all I can say is when I quit in an email after a really bad session, it felt awful and unresolved and I was glad I went back, even if it was just one last session, to say how I felt and what went wrong.

Sorry, I guess I had more to add than I thought but please ignore me if I am way off base.
(((((Deli)))))

[lily99]

oh deli

I agree with the feedback you've gotten. take care

[deliquesce]

thank you, impy, for your whole post. i know i was being difficult in today's session; it would have been fair if he had said "i'm finding it hard to connect with you today", because i was incredibly closed off. but instead he said it as a general thing - he always finds it difficult to connect with me, he doesn't find this with his other clients, he finds it difficult to read me etc.

this all came up in the context of me saying how lonely i felt when i was crying, and then being surprised when i reflected & realised i'd actually met up with friends every day last week. my explanation was that the depression was preventing me from immersing myself in the relating fully - there was a disconnect, i couldn't keep it up for long - and he asked me had it always been like this and i said yes, and that's when he said he found it hard to connect with me so he suspected everyone always had. i tried to correct myself - said when i said 'always' i meant 'always when i've been depressed' - not always & forever, but he ignored that. when i'm not depressed i have no problem connecting to people. i remember one guy a few years ago said i was the most popular girl in the class, and other people agreed, and it made me blush because i've never thought of myself as popular. i know i'm no good at forming longlasting relationships - i've never been good at that, depressed or not - but i didn't think i had a problem getting people to like me, to form a superficial sort of connection with.

but maybe the problem is that i'm good at forming 'happy' connections, and not good at forming 'vulnerable' connections. and austin-t only gets the vulnerable stuff, and i'm fiercely protective of that .

Originally Posted by imapatient

You've done incredible in the past few months--
passing uni,
getting to honours,
your promotion and job recognition (and raise),
moving out/in,
handling your trip abroad well (a very big deal involving multiple, new, and massive adjustments socially, personally, etc.),
handling med changes,
handling dodo-brain pdoc and his recent professional failings and sticking up for yourself,
doing a great job with some of the family difficulties and severe stress that have arisen,
handling friend/roommate issues......
in addition to usual things like going to work.....

thank you for this, impy. i'm touched that you remember this stuff about me - i never expect anyone to. and seeing it all like this does make me feel i've done some good. thank you.

Originally Posted by sunrise

The badgering would have the same effect on me, deli. I wish you could establish a different routine with him so he doesn't do that 20 questions thing. Do you think he realizes how offputting it can be?

Deli, I hope you don't give up on austin-T and think his inconsistent behavior means you are somehow at fault. I think he really messed up. I hope pdoc will have some insight and can provide encouragement.

it's a relief to hear it would have the same effect on you, sunny. i keep thinking i must be defective because apparently he does this with every client, and presumably their ok? austin-t always starts off every session the same way: "what is the date", "how many hours sleep are you getting", "are you eating", "are you eating - tell me honestly" (i havent had disordered eating behaviour whilst with him, i wonder why he always thinks i'm lying?), "have you exercised since i last saw you", and finally "tell me how you've been feeling over the past week".

ive tried telling him previously not to bother asking me the date as i'm never going to answer correctly (i rarely bother to remember what it is) but he insists on doing it and it's become something that irks me - i say "i dont know" now even when sometimes i do. like, feck off - if my baseline %correct for the date is zero, it's a poor indicator of changes in my mental state anyway.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

I don't have a lot to add, and for some reason I am feeling like I am being bothersome when I reply to your threads.
I'm sure that is just my mind working funny today? I hope so.

oh, silly . you're one of my favourite people here, i'm always so grateful & pleased when you post. in fact, sometimes when you don't reply i tell myself it's because you must be fed up with me (despite all possibilities indicating you haven't seen my thread/have nothing to say/don't care etc).

My T would say THAT ^^ is mind reading.

so we must be super awesome mindreaders together .

Maybe sometimes in therapy, things have to get worse before they can get better? Not to be nonchalant about it, but so much of what I read on this forum is extremely painful sessions, people having trouble opening up to T, having misunderstandings and wanting to quit (Me included) - this doesn't mean that all is hopeless and that therapy has to end. Maybe just that you and austin-T need to work past this problem, and try to keep going. I don't think any part of how he acted was coming from a place of him not caring about you, or wanting to help you, even though it did come off that way.

yes, i understand what you're saying here. i think the problem is that (right now) i'm doing the "getting worse" all by myself and so i need someone else's help to do the "getting better". sometimes i fall into a melancholy depression - see/hear things, have cognitive difficulties, lose extreme amounts of weight - this doesn't happen often (maybe 3 times in the past five years?) but it's happening now. i know the losing weight thing only happens when i'm falling into the abyss - the hallucinations/cognitive difficulties sometimes happen just when i'm stressed - so i've been panicked the past week because i've been plummeting despite my best efforts to eat heaps of food. i hate my body at the best of times, but by god i've hated it more when it got so skinny it started growing fur.

so i need help right now, and i'm feeling desperate. i get that with some things (e.g., trauma) it feels worse before it feels better. i really, really get that. but this is one of those situations where i need it to feel better now because i'm so scared i'm going to be in a position again where pdoc asks me to consider ECT.

but i also hear you when you say austin-t probably didn't come from a place of not caring or wanting to help. i know he wishes i'd just be more open with him and that way he could do his job. but he's got a bullish way of showing it.

I REALLY don't think it is wise to quit via a text.
I don't know much about anything, but all I can say is when I quit in an email after a really bad session, it felt awful and unresolved and I was glad I went back, even if it was just one last session, to say how I felt and what went wrong.

i understand what you're saying, and when i have tried to quit (with pdoc) in the past i'm always glad he's called me in for a session. but i havent really been doing anything with austin-t this year - no more uni stuff, and i've been skirting around everything else - so there's a sense in which i'm just wasting time and there isn't anything unresolved to tie up. he doesn't like me, it's ok, and ive been thinking of quitting for some time anyway. for different (not altogether valid) reasons, admittedly, but nevertheless i've wanted to quit & have even brought it up before. the last time i said it he said he didn't want me to (although of course he'd respect my choice) because he was worried i'd stop trying to get better. i didnt do the "im quitting" thing as a test or anything, but the fact is he doesn't care this time if i come back or not. fair enough (i dont need him to want me back) but it means im not wasting my time and effort seeing him next week, especially when it involves money i could spend on something else instead.

Originally Posted by lily99

oh deli
I agree with the feedback you've gotten. take care

thank you lily . i love that you took the time to post. thank you

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

austin-t always starts off every session the same way: "what is the date", "how many hours sleep are you getting", "are you eating", "are you eating - tell me honestly" (i havent had disordered eating behaviour whilst with him, i wonder why he always thinks i'm lying?), "have you exercised since i last saw you", and finally "tell me how you've been feeling over the past week".

I always reacted badly to this sort of thing too. It seemed to have more to do with the therapist than with me -- those sorts of things I never really had trouble with, but the things I did have trouble with were not addressed. Anyway, I don't think you are alone in not reacting well to this sort of question.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

you're one of my favourite people here, i'm always so grateful & pleased when you post. in fact, sometimes when you don't reply i tell myself it's because you must be fed up with me (despite all possibilities indicating you haven't seen my thread/have nothing to say/don't care etc).

((((Deli)))))
You are a darling and you made my whole day.
But you are sillier than I am because I would NEVER be fed up with you!

Originally Posted by deliquesce

so i need help right now, and i'm feeling desperate. i get that with some things (e.g., trauma) it feels worse before it feels better. i really, really get that. but this is one of those situations where i need it to feel better now because i'm so scared i'm going to be in a position again where pdoc asks me to consider ECT.

When do you see pdoc next? Since austin-T was less than helpful, what else can you do to help you feel better NOW? How are the meds working out for you?

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i didnt do the "im quitting" thing as a test or anything, but the fact is he doesn't care this time if i come back or not. fair enough (i dont need him to want me back) but it means im not wasting my time and effort seeing him next week, especially when it involves money i could spend on something else instead.

I totally do not think you are testing austin-T. And normally I would agree that, based on his response, maybe he doesn't care if you come back.
I just can't help comparing with my situation, and my T who basically gave the same response when I quit.
Deli - you could be absolutely right about austin-T not caring, and it not being helpful or worth it to go back. You would certainly know better than I would. But even if you could prove it to me as an undeniable fact - I would still say go back for one last appointment and tell him how he messed up and how you felt about it. That's just my opinion.

Please take good care of yourself, k?
I'm sorry everything is so hard right now.

[jexa]

deli I feel like such a dimwit for not having more to say right now. I honestly don't know what advice to give. But I hate to leave your threads without saying anything because I want you to feel heard. SO...

Also I like what darkrunner had to say.

[deliquesce]

thanks, pachy, that's reassuring. i keep wondering why it upsets me so, seems to throw me off, but i think it's enough to know other ppl get put off too, so it's not something super-weird to just do with "me".

edit: triggers for abuse stuff. apparently this has taken me an hour to write & others have replied in the meantime. will get to replying to those soon.

this connecting thing. it stinks. mum used to tell me always, and her actions bore it out, that i was a "very difficult person to love" and that she "only tried because she was mother". feels like the exact same thing austin-t said; i know he wouldn't try unless it was his designated role to do so.

mum never liked me. a) i don't think she wanted to be pregnant when she did fall pregnant and b) she said i never needed her in a way that my sisters did. e.g., if the door slammed i wouldn't cry, whereas my middle sister would take hours to console. so mum said she always protected my middle sister more, because she was more precious and i didn't need anyone.

dad used to beat me up sometimes, pretty bad. so did mum too, but maybe it wasn't as bad because she didn't fly into a rage like dad did - she just did it as a matter of course (your room is messy, you're running late for school, didn't get 100% for your homework, your middle sister is crying & you're to blame etc - it always happened with mum, with dad it was less frequent but more angry). when i was 13/14 or so, dad started using knives - before then it was just punching/pushing/belts/throwing things at me. in a way it was better because i ended up less bruised - he never actually hurt me with them - but he used to hold them up against my throat or point it into my stomach and cut through my jumper just to show me he could. australia can get ridiculously hot, but i always wore layers and layers of thick clothes at home. it was ok though, because i also started cutting, so no one found out for a long time. and the cutting was good for me because it meant that dadn't couldn't do anything worse than what i'd already done to myself. unless he killed me, of course, but that would've been ok too because at least then i'd be dead.

but it did scare me and i tried asking mum for help. i felt so down on myself for asking, too - deli did everything by herself, and here i was having to humble myself and ask mum for help. she sat me down when i was 12 - first day of high school - told me she'd wasted enough time being my mum and that it was my fault she'd "neglected" her other children, so now i had to look after myself and stay in my room. so i stopped having a mum when i was 12, really. if i wanted one i had to be the mature one - ask her how her day was, what her troubles were at work, etc. and i did because at least i had a mum. but it hurt me to be the kid and have to ask mum for help when i finally did. but she told me he was my father and i was big enough to deal with it on my own; i should sort it out with him. i used to point out that she would do it for my middle sister - just when he yelled (he never was physical with her) - but she said my middle sister needed protecting and that i was a hard person to love. i was allowed to stay in her house because i was her daughter, and she would always clothes and feed me, but other than that she didnt know what she had done wrong to deserve a useless and unloveable creature like me.

dad always said we need to stick together because no one would love me like he did. and i didn't use to believe him, surely i was going to grow up and have friends and partners who loved me, but it turns out he was right. and now i've moved out and i've cut off the one person who did love me. sure it was messy and complicated, and yes i had to ***** myself to him at times, but the times when it was good felt uncomplicated and made me feel like "this is nice". maybe i would be angry with him if there was someone else around who thought i was worthwhile, but there never was, and because i'm hard to connect with i dont think there ever will be (amongst other reasons).

i miss so much not having someone around who thinks i'm significant. if i didnt have dad growing up i would've had no one, so i'm lucky he was around, even if some of it was bad. i keep hating myself for moving out because i'm the one who severed the connection. and austin-t says im hard to connec with and guesses i always have been and therefore everyone else perceives me this way, and mum would agree, and pdoc has agreed in the past so i just feel like im fatally flawed. nothing loveable about deli. and if there isnt anything loveable then it makes sense that all the bad stuff happened, because you dont treat as precious something that isnt.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

((((Deli)))))
You are a darling and you made my whole day.
But you are sillier than I am because I would NEVER be fed up with you!

we can be silly mind readers together, then . thank you for the reassurance, sweetie.

When do you see pdoc next? Since austin-T was less than helpful, what else can you do to help you feel better NOW? How are the meds working out for you?

see pdoc tomorrow. meds aren't working yet, and i'm frustrated because they worked so quickly (72hrs) last time. i slept most of yesterday (after i ran out of tissue boxes to snottingly cry my way through). i could sleep again but im not tired. i have uni later today - i dont want to go, but i probably should. i need to return some library books, i can't afford the fines. it's raining, else i'd sleep in the park. im open to suggestions, my ideas are out.

Deli - you could be absolutely right about austin-T not caring, and it not being helpful or worth it to go back. You would certainly know better than I would. But even if you could prove it to me as an undeniable fact - I would still say go back for one last appointment and tell him how he messed up and how you felt about it. That's just my opinion.

i think this would only work if he cared. if he doesnt care, then i'm wasting my time talking to someone who doesn't care that he messed up because i dont matter. i can see what you're saying, darkrunner, but i need to stop doubting myself with this. i spent two years with my old-therapist telling myself he didn't care but trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. he ended up being a turd. i don't think austin-t is unethical (and the last guy probably wasnt either, not deeply unethical, just borderline narcissistic) but i need to start listening to myself more, i think. i keep trying with relationships that are dead and i need to stop wasting my energy on that. austin-t has told me that what we have is dead, so no point going back and not relating.

Originally Posted by jexa

deli I feel like such a dimwit for not having more to say right now. I honestly don't know what advice to give. But I hate to leave your threads without saying anything because I want you to feel heard. SO...

Also I like what darkrunner had to say.

jexa, don't feel bad!! you're right, you know - i want to feel heard, more than anything, really. the advice is helpful but it's not as important to me as someone hearing me. the hugs mean a million .

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