[Fidel]

People would say really horrible things to you. Could be your family, or friends and even strangers.

You go and see therapist to get some help.
I get devastated when the therapist tell me really negative things because they are the last person that I expect them to say anything discouraging.

So far, This is the most ridiculous comments my Therapist told me.

I told her what I was struggling with and I've decided to live for my family and friends but not for myself. She said this

"So, your life is meaningless"

My reaction??? I agreed with her. Then we were supposed to talk about finding meanings for my life and she screw up my appointment and she wasn't even there.


Anything you guys want to share with me?

[jexa]

My last therapist kind of sucked. She mostly just wasn't very "there with me" and that was my main beef with her, but occasionally she would say things that hurt me. One thing she said that still repeats in my head is "There you go again, Jessica. You're always judging, judging, judging." My current T says I do not come across as judgmental. I just think a lot and make a lot of comparisons. But this really hurt and stuck with me.

Also, she laughed when I first was talking about my problems. At the first session. Like, she laughed at me for my social anxiety. I was like

I don't think there's anything my current T said that has hurt me. She's great.

[kate81]

My Pdoc once told me I was delusional because I told her i was stressed out about the fact that my house had a major mold problem. Everyone else could smell it and it was visible all over the walls, yet according to my Pdoc, houses don't get mold problems, so I must be crazy. She wanted to put me on antipsychotics and in a hospital day program as a result... believe me, I found another doctor as quick as I could.

[deliquesce]

mmm i hope this thread doesn't get closed down, even if it is looking at the ugly side of therapy. i've been wanting to vent a bit about my old therapist lately. this seems to be the right place to do it .

this is from old-t, who i saw for 2 years:
- he asked me once if i was having sexual thoughts about him, and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer (he kept on this topic for one whole 60min session, which cost me $130 out of pocket). i know for a fact he wouldn't have taken it further or anything, i think he was just on a bit of an ego trip and had misinterpreted something i'd written him a week back. but he didn't like being 'wrong' so he wouldn't let the topic drop.
- he told me he didn't believe me when i shared some of my past abuse. he 'wondered why i felt the need to make those things up'.
- he told me i had no reason to be depressed, because women had a lot more freedom these days and i should be grateful for it.
- following on from the above point, he told me i would be a lot happier if i quit uni and found a mindless job as a checkout chick, because then i could become a mother and look after my children and husband. he said evolutionarily women were meant to stay at home and a lot of my problems wouldnt even be occuring if i'd just done what i was built for.
- he told me that women get emotional during sex but that if i wanted a boyfriend i had to control myself because men wanted uncomplicated sex and they would just look elsewhere if i was problematic. ouch (and we never talked about sex stuff, because i wasn't even interested in a relationship, so i'm confused about why this one came up).

i feel pretty stupid that i stayed with him for so long. but i really did think he was a good therapist (he's possibly the most intelligent guy i've ever met) and so i thought everything he said was right and that i was the big black problem that needed fixing.

[kate81]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

mmm i hope this thread doesn't get closed down, even if it is looking at the ugly side of therapy. i've been wanting to vent a bit about my old therapist lately. this seems to be the right place to do it .

this is from old-t, who i saw for 2 years:
- he asked me once if i was having sexual thoughts about him, and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer (he kept on this topic for one whole 60min session, which cost me $130 out of pocket). i know for a fact he wouldn't have taken it further or anything, i think he was just on a bit of an ego trip and had misinterpreted something i'd written him a week back. but he didn't like being 'wrong' so he wouldn't let the topic drop.
- he told me he didn't believe me when i shared some of my past abuse. he 'wondered why i felt the need to make those things up'.
- he told me i had no reason to be depressed, because women had a lot more freedom these days and i should be grateful for it.
- following on from the above point, he told me i would be a lot happier if i quit uni and found a mindless job as a checkout chick, because then i could become a mother and look after my children and husband. he said evolutionarily women were meant to stay at home and a lot of my problems wouldnt even be occuring if i'd just done what i was built for.
- he told me that women get emotional during sex but that if i wanted a boyfriend i had to control myself because men wanted uncomplicated sex and they would just look elsewhere if i was problematic. ouch (and we never talked about sex stuff, because i wasn't even interested in a relationship, so i'm confused about why this one came up).

i feel pretty stupid that i stayed with him for so long. but i really did think he was a good therapist (he's possibly the most intelligent guy i've ever met) and so i thought everything he said was right and that i was the big black problem that needed fixing.

That is so appalling!!! Why are there so few good therapists in the world...

[deliquesce]

thanks, kate . the flip side is that i have the most amazing and wonderful pdoc who means the world to me. and i have a new therapist who is meant to be awesome too, but i struggle with trust issues so i'm not quite able to appreciate him fully just yet.

i think my old-t could be a very good T to some people, and i am sure there are many people who would adore him. i think for some reason however that i dredged up a lot of stuff for him - it always felt like we were competing. pdoc said he referred another girl with similar issues to him and she said he said similar things to her. so maybe he just isn't a good trauma therapist, or maybe he is only good with guys, or something. i am sure he must be good because he was a senior psychologist. he just wasn't the right T for me.

[Fidel]

The most important and helpful things for clients are being heard and listened. Obviously no one can really Fix my emotional problems and I understand that counseling isn't about fixing stuff. For me counseling was about talking and being heared.

These are few more things that triggered me in the past

This couples counselor told me this before.
- I am in the danger state where I can really kill myself. Where I am not in bed. I am becoming strong and functioning properly.and I believed her and my suicidal thoughts became really strong.

- I was doing couples counseling and this lady told me that I will be able to decided whether I am going to stay with my partner or get divorced just after 3 sessions. I became so scared and overwhelmed, feeling like I have to decide something big in 3 sessions, we dropped out from couples counseling because I didn't want counsellings to decide about my relationship.

- I was going through intake interview and this counselor told me that her sister who has depression had to marry 3 times. So I told myself that
the relationship problem with my partner is something that I have to work on. I have to fix my depression, otherwise I will get divorced no matter who I am with and I felt quite hopeless.


I am sure those counselors didn't mean to hurt me or didn't even imagine what I was going to feel or react. I am not trying to tell everyone that all the therapists are bad or they can't give clients any comments. Because we are so venerable and asking and needing help from professionals, all these little thing that they tell us affect on the clients tremendously in a good or bad ways. I just wanted to share the comments that didn't help me at all.


-

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by Mr.burn

She said this

"So, your life is meaningless"

I think i would have taken that as a question on how I saw my life or what she was hearing from me and not as a statement that my life was in fact meaningless.

I love my T, but she has said some things to me that were quite upsetting at the time.

She once said "I'm not going to listen to this!" OMG, yes I was crying and upset, but she's my T and I thought that is what she is there for..to listen!

I could probably think of more but generally I see my T as a fellow human who sometimes says things that are not helpful and sometimes even hurtful. I also think that interpretations can vary and we sometimes hear things differently than they were intended.

But Deli, your T's statements are pretty outrageous! Gosh, I would have been running for the hills!

[Fidel]

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

I think i would have taken that as a question on how I saw my life or what she was hearing from me and not as a statement that my life was in fact meaningless.

I love my T, but she has said some things to me that were quite upsetting at the time.

She once said "I'm not going to listen to this!" OMG, yes I was crying and upset, but she's my T and I thought that is what she is there for..to listen!

I could probably think of more but generally I see my T as a fellow human who sometimes says things that are not helpful and sometimes even hurtful. I also think that interpretations can vary and we sometimes hear things differently than they were intended.

But Deli, your T's statements are pretty outrageous! Gosh, I would have been running for the hills!

I had a feeling that someone will bring this issue.
How we interpretate things.

Yes, It was hurtful comments but I took it and I went home and thought about ways to make my life meaningful. The problem with her was that she wasn't even there to talk about how I was going to make my life meaningful. She clearly told me at the end of session that we must talk about that on the next session. For a whole week. I was in agony and looking forward so much to see her and talk about all the possibilities.
I waited at her office for half an hour. No one knew where she was nor my name was on her schedule. So there was mistrust and feel like I am not important and I felt so stupid that I was looking forward to see her and talk about meaningful life with her. It wasn't just that comment that hurt me. This is why counseling is so complicated...... and I am not strong enough to put up with situations like this.

[kate81]

Originally Posted by Mr.burn

I had a feeling that someone will bring this issue.
How we interpretate things.

Yes, It was hurtful comments but I took it and I went home and thought about ways to make my life meaningful. The problem with her was that she wasn't even there to talk about how I was going to make my life meaningful. She clearly told me at the end of session that we must talk about that on the next session. For a whole week. I was in agony and looking forward so much to see her and talk about all the possibilities.
I waited at her office for half an hour. No one knew where she was nor my name was on her schedule. So there was mistrust and feel like I am not important and I felt so stupid that I was looking forward to see her and talk about meaningful life with her. It wasn't just that comment that hurt me. This is why counseling is so complicated...... and I am not strong enough to put up with situations like this.

That's terrible. I'm really sorry you had to go through that.

[writingwithink]

I hope this thread is locked. When I see threads such as this and the other one (To Counselors, P Docs, Therapist and all the students) started by you, Mr.burn, I get concerned that it’s forgotten that there are two people, two humans, in that room. And while the session is about the patient, it’s unrealistic and selfish to expect perfection. So I would suggest that for every “ridiculous, unhelpful comment by a therapist” that is offered up on this thread, each poster offers up five of the same that he/she has said to other people, including the T.

writing

Originally Posted by writingwithink

I hope this thread is locked. When I see threads such as this and the other one (To Counselors, P Docs, Therapist and all the students) started by you, Mr.burn, I get concerned that it’s forgotten that there are two people, two humans, in that room. And while the session is about the patient, it’s unrealistic and selfish to expect perfection. So I would suggest that for every “ridiculous, unhelpful comment by a therapist” that is offered up on this thread, each poster offers up five of the same that he/she has said to other people, including the T.

writing

I think those comments are important though. It is amazing how one comment can really throw us when we are in therapy, and it is good to process through those. I suspect most of us here quite realize those comments are unusual (that's why they get our attention). It seems that everyone here has stayed pretty objective about that, and Mr. Burns clearly has a need to process through his frustration.

[Fidel]

Originally Posted by writingwithink

I hope this thread is locked. When I see threads such as this and the other one (To Counselors, P Docs, Therapist and all the students) started by you, Mr.burn, I get concerned that it’s forgotten that there are two people, two humans, in that room. And while the session is about the patient, it’s unrealistic and selfish to expect perfection. So I would suggest that for every “ridiculous, unhelpful comment by a therapist” that is offered up on this thread, each poster offers up five of the same that he/she has said to other people, including the T.

writing

Not happy with my thread? then put me on your ignore list.

I am sharing frustrations that I had and they were not just unhelpful. They hurt me deeply and damaged a lot of things. You are telling me that I am selfish and expecting perfection???

And why are you making rules on MY thread?
If you are not happy with this thread and want something different, start your own.

[Kiya]

boy i soooooooooooo wanted to say what my t said to me and fill a place in this thread. it would be so very easy to say the things i hear her say as negative and unhelpful.
but i just read your other post mr. burns that said you are going to focus on the positive.
sooooooo... i will not partake =)

[Melbadaze]

I cant think of anythink specific right now, i'm sure there is something, but when put in context of the whole relationship it doesn't stand out as such, its proberbly just one of "those" moMents we all Have when we say something completely silly lol

[3velniai]

Well, my T never said anything like it. Sure, sometimes she says things I don't like, but she's not there to make me happy, she's there to help me make sense of all the stuff in my head, so I can make myself happy. And quite many of times when she said something I didn't like or something that hurt me, later I realized that yeah, she's right, or that this was exactly the thing I needed to hear, to make me unstuck or just... everyone has their own opinion about things, and I see no problem to hear that out.

But well, I might just have the perfect T, so I don't have anything to complain about.

[dfh932]

farmergirl, I like what you said. It's what I was thinking but couldn't seem to articulate or put into words.

[BohemianPrincess]

............

[chaotic13]

During my first therapy appointment I was really up tight and I was trying to explain why I was there. I had never been in therapy before and it took me over 6 month to even make an appointment. My H was very depressed at the time, I had become depressed too at this point, and our home was in total chaos. H was a raging bull, verbally abusing the kids and me. In his mounting frustration with his world he had moved into the realm of physically abusing our children which FINALLY, finally triggered me enough to act and seek help.

So this first appointment I am trying to vaguely and without risking getting Children and Youth involved, to explain the situation. I was very afraid I would say something wrong and end up having my children taken away. I managed to get out that H and I were in serious conflict with regard to appropriate ways to get our kids to comply with our requests.:-)

At the end of this session my T shared with me her assessment of the situation and recommended course of action. "Well, it sounds like you need to have a calm sitdown with your H to decide on a better discipline plan for your children."

I just remember calmly taking this profound insight in and saying something like,"OK, thank you, hadn't thought about trying that approach!". I left that session and sat in my car breathing for a few moments and thinking..."Did I really just spend $150 dollars to basically hear, "I think you need to talk to your husband about his progessively violent behavior." Luckily I blamed myself for not adequately conveying my situation and decided to go one more time.

[WePow]

This post shows how vital it is to ask T to clarify things which may harm us.

1) If the T did say what we think T said - and it does harm us - then the T is not the right match for us. It does not make T a bad T - it just means the style or personality is not a proper fit for healing. The client then has the responsibility to search for another T. My T told me he went through 20 Ts before he found his T that fit him.

2) If we tell T what we heard, we will be better able to express our concerns in other social settings. The whole thing is a learning process.

3) T may have not said what we thought T said. I have been very hurt leaving a session and thinking T said something. I spent the whole night crying about it. Then I decided I needed to clarify one way or the other - for my own healing and mental health. The next session, I summoned up my courage and asked T about what I heard. It floored me to see how compasionate T was in validating my emotions - he said he would have been hurt too if he thought that was what he said. But the fact was that what I heard T say was no where close to being what T actually said! But by asking about it, I was able to clear the air. And our trust deepened. T could trust me to ask about something that I may have misunderstood which allowed T to be more at ease with his own communication style. He was not always walking on eggshells around me because he trusted me to tell him if something he said was off. And I trusted my T a lot more. I knew that if I did have questions, he would be honest with me in his answers.

It takes a lot of work to make therapy work.

[theave]

Originally Posted by Mr.burn

I told her what I was struggling with and I've decided to live for my family and friends but not for myself. She said this

"So, your life is meaningless"

Mr burn, I had something similar said to me - I felt I was a series of roles but that I wasn't doing any of them for me but for others in my life, and she said I was "a dead woman walking" - actually, that was exactly how I felt, so I found it quite helpful. I knew my life was untenable as it was, that I couldn't keep on going without my life having some meaning for myself. Perhaps this was what your therapist meant?

[Fidel]

Originally Posted by theave

Mr burn, I had something similar said to me - I felt I was a series of roles but that I wasn't doing any of them for me but for others in my life, and she said I was "a dead woman walking" - actually, that was exactly how I felt, so I found it quite helpful. I knew my life was untenable as it was, that I couldn't keep on going without my life having some meaning for myself. Perhaps this was what your therapist meant?

I am going to repeat myself again.

Yes, It was hurtful comments but I took it and I went home and thought about ways to make my life meaningful. The problem with her was that she wasn't even there to talk about how I was going to make my life meaningful. She clearly told me at the end of session that we must talk about that on the next session. For a whole week. I was in agony and looking forward so much to see her and talk about all the possibilities.
I waited at her office for half an hour. No one knew where she was nor my name was on her schedule. So there was mistrust and feel like I am not important and I felt so stupid that I was looking forward to see her and talk about meaningful life with her. It wasn't just that comment that hurt me. This is why counseling is so complicated...... and I am not strong enough to put up with situations like this.

[Fidel]

I am just here to vent. Cuz I don't have anyone to talk to. Through out counseling process, I was told that it's OK and very healthy thing to let out negative stuff. Which I wasn't able to do it since I was born. Getting angry, upset or crying was forbidden in my house. I was taught that expressing anything negative is bad.

I am not here to piss off anyone on purpose. I am sharing my experience. Of course I can talk about good things, the most wonderful things about how P docs or counselors or therapists was able to do for me. But at the moment I have a lot of anger which I can not express to anyone in real life. Because they are all running away from me and I thought this place was full of people who go through struggle and share good or bad experience and support each other.

I see a lot of threads talking about falling in love with T and wonderful things they have done etc... I've read a lot of them.

If this place is talking about only good things then I think I am in the wrong place.

The important thing here is that I am expressing my frustrations that I had.
You guys don't have to explain to me what my counselor was trying to tell me. I already know. Also, I wanted to hear from anyone who had experience like I did.
Is it me? that I am not communicating with ppl properly?

Someone mentioned earlier here that the comments that I had from counselor's are unusual. I am being really honest here.

I've been struggling so long, so hard I am trying to help myself now because I feel like I am so screwed up and hopeless that no one can save me except myself.

If any of you knows better place for me to go and vent (web site)
Please let me know.

[theave]

Sorry if I annoyed you, Mr. burn - not my intention - just I thought it was relevant that as I'd had someone say something similar to me, and responded differently to it - actually, I never got the chance to discuss it with them either as they weren't the person I normally saw - it just struck a chord with me, and seemed similar to what had been said to you.

I would hope that somewhere like here is exactly the right place to vent - I find sometimes that just the act of writing something down can help me make more sense of what I'm feeling - but I suppose that all of us here can only try to respond to others from our own experiences, and hope that others can find some support through that.

Take care and I hope you will find this forum to be a source of support for you.

[Lamplighter]

Mr Burn

I for one totally see what you’re saying and think it would be a real shame if you felt that you couldn’t talk about the negative things in therapy without having your feelings and personal experience criticized by others. Regardless of whether a T ‘really’ means things the way we perceive them, it’s our perceptions that matter.

For what it’s worth I’ve seen so many different Ts in my life and ended up being quite damaged by some of them precisely because I bought into the ‘oh it’s not them saying hurtful things it’s me misinterpreting’ dictate. This is not to say that it’s not well worth discussing with T anything we’ve experienced as negative or hurtful.

What strikes me as more hurtful and damaging to you is the way your T wasn’t there for your next appointment. THAT is most definitely not a ‘misinterpretation’ on your part! Did you get to see her again, and how did it go?