Warning! This may be a trigger for those struggling with SI.

Why does therapy bring out so much anger! Anger that I didn't even know I had. Anger is probably the dominant thing going on with therapy right now. I haven't told T the degree of anger I am feeling, though.

We talked some last time. I told her that good "christian" people don't show anger. She was like "Where did you get that from?"

Tonight, out of nowhere ANGER started surfacing. I was thinking about crazy stuff. Like going to a public parking lot and bashing in all the car windows with a baseball bat! Or maybe taking a pair of scissors and stabbing a pillow until I ripped it to shreds and then starting in on my mattress!

Isn't that bizarre? That sounds like a crazy person, but I was really wanting to do something. In the past, a few times, I turned to burning myself. My arm has several burn marks around my wrist. It really looks like I tried to slit my wrists.

I regret so much ever doing that because now I have to explain to people what those marks are! Of course, I have to make up some lie. I can’t tell them the truth. I was thinking about doing that again tonight. I have only done that twice in the past 10 years, but I sure was thinking about it again.

Trying to think of where on my body I could burn myself and no one would notice. I was sinking fast and allowing my mind to go places that were just place ridiculous for an educated, intelligent, Christian to go to!

That kind of stuff was for people who were mentally ill, not people like me. I am too good for that. (That's what I was telling myself) I do have to remind myself that I do have a diagnosis of BiPolar, so I am technically classified as one who has a mental illness!

Out of the blue, I get a phone call from my son. He told me that my granddaughter (4 years old) wanted to come over and stay the weekend. At first, I was like, "This is really not a good time for me!"

I really think this was God thing. I needed something to snap me out of that insanity!

[elliemay]

Oh, cut yourself some slack. Who hasn't wanted to smash car windshields and the like.

We were dealt a raw deal here but we are the ones that have to play it so to speak. It's not fair, and well, I think we have every right to be angry, to grieve and just sometimes feel like crap.

Anger is a sticky wicket though because, like fear it is such a motivating emotion. For me, anger really spurs a reaction that is really hard to wrangle down into something manageable.

However, although the police may vehemently disagree , I would contend that it would be preferable to smash a windshield than burn yourself.

I think the burning may be about giving the anger a focus, a name, manifesting emptional pain as physical pain. Not a distraction exactly, but a harmful coping technique that, temporarily, releases your mind and puts the focus on your body.

You know what they say... the best way to get rid of a headache is to break a finger. In reality though, you're just moving the pain around.

You know, people have told me that "you need to channel your anger into something productive". Well, I've never been able to do that.

When I'm pissed off, somehow crafting, exercising or meditation has just never been able to cut through it. I end up mad and tired, or frustrated with glue guns, yoga mats and free weights strewn randomly about.

I end up taking a klonopin. Nope, probably not the most popular option around here, but it works for me and reduces that fevered pitch that spurs that often harmful release.

[Melbadaze]

perhaps christians hid their anger within christianity?

[SpiritRunner]

I hear and feel your pain about the anger......I have been so afraid of my anger and so afraid of the crazy, wild things I have felt driven to do when angry (not that I have done them, or most of them....). I have a quick temper, hot flashes of anger at odd times.....
I relate to the question/feeling of 'good "christian" people don't show anger' - I have felt such shame for having such anger, like I wasn't 'right' spiritually for having it. That's just not true though - it is not having anger that is wrong at all, God understands that that is a natural part of the human condition. So the emotion,having it, is not in itself wrong at all; nor is it wrong or unchristian to show anger - look at Jesus being angry with the moneychangers and driving them out of the temple in his anger at what they were doing in what was supposed to be a place to worship God....his anger moved him to do something that was for good. The thing that is wrong with anger is when it gets out of control and is used for hurt......
My anger/shame with myself has led to hurting myself, too - only instead of thinking of it as self-harm, I've justified as it as deserved punishment for whatever thing it is I'm judging myself about. But in doing that, it's like I've used my anger for hurt against myself....and what that has done is not take away my anger at myself, but added to it, added shame to it.
But anger can be controlled and it can be used to accomplish good or lead to change that is good.....maybe the anger that therapy brings out can eventually lead to cleansing away some of the things that make us angry and help us change for the better.....or deal with some things that can't maybe be changed with much more peace/love/self-acceptance.
In any case, much better to simply allow yourself to feel the anger without adding shame to it or trying to push it away.......
I go to the gym and use a punching bag......my T suggested this, and even said that she has done it herself! It does seem to help me, anyway.

I am so glad that I was finally able to share this with someone and they did not think I was just plain out of my mind! I don't really portray a countenance of an angry woman, so I am sure it would freak people out to read something like this.

The story of Jesus and what he did in the temple was brought up by my T. She was telling me that same thing about anger. It is not wrong to be angry. It doesn't mean you are not 'right' spiritually, or that you are possessed by the devil!

Of course, I know these things, but sometimes I get that strange feeling that maybe I am just not 'right' in the head or something. Having found this forum to vent, share, listen, etc.....has been so refreshing for me. I now know that I am not alone in this, and that just because you are educated, intelligent, nice, and a Christian does not mean that you are not going to experience emotions like this.

I don't have a quick temper at all. I rarely even show anger that much. Well, maybe my husband would argue with that! But, all in all, I am not an quick-tempered, angry person. I try to keep the peace at all cost!

I do NOT like confrontation and shy away from it as much as possible. My T says that I need to work on this. She is not implying that I need to pick a fight when I confront someone, but that I need to stand up for myself and not allow others to intimidate me.

Now I am sounding like a whimp, and that does not describe me at all. Most people would describe me as plain spoken, strong, professional, friendly ~ but somewhat distant at times (this is probably when the depressive part of BP is going on), and someone who has her act together.

Okay, so T asks me why I cannot accept those as good qualities and stop dwelling on all the things I am not. This is where that blasted head-knowledge self vs emotional self (one of my other posts). We are not to allow our emotions to overpower us or dominate our rational thinking, but we need to allow ourselves to experience them when they arise. Learning how to express them and feeling like it is okay is what I am working on.

Getting a punching bag would be a good thing for me. It would sure save a ton of money and jail time should I ever opt for the bashing out car windows with a baseball bat! It would also save me $1000+ if I ever chose to act out the stab holes in my mattress and rip it to shreds!

One more thing that I think about when I get in that weird mood? I wonder what it would feel like to slap the crap out of few people!

[Yesterdays]

A lot of times therapy makes me angry too. I think it's because I get so angry with the way my life has turned out, with my mental illness and with myself for not being able to prevent it. Talking about how I feel makes me angry, because I feel like I should have been able to prevent myself from feeling the way I do.

My point is, though, that I think determining the source of your anger is the first step to dealing with it. Your anger can often be worse when you don't know what you're angry about. If you do know, it's easier to control it. Maybe you try talking to your T and trying to determine with her what your anger is stemming from. It might really help you out.

Just know that you're not alone in your emotions. There are a lot of people who can relate to what you're going through.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I am so glad that I was finally able to share this with someone and they did not think I was just plain out of my mind! I don't really portray a countenance of an angry woman, so I am sure it would freak people out to read something like this.
Of course, I know these things, but sometimes I get that strange feeling that maybe I am just not 'right' in the head or something. Having found this forum to vent, share, listen, etc.....has been so refreshing for me. I now know that I am not alone in this, and that just because you are educated, intelligent, nice, and a Christian does not mean that you are not going to experience emotions like this.
I do NOT like confrontation and shy away from it as much as possible. My T says that I need to work on this. She is not implying that I need to pick a fight when I confront someone, but that I need to stand up for myself and not allow others to intimidate me.
Okay, so T asks me why I cannot accept those as good qualities and stop dwelling on all the things I am not. This is where that blasted head-knowledge self vs emotional self (one of my other posts). We are not to allow our emotions to overpower us or dominate our rational thinking, but we need to allow ourselves to experience them when they arise. Learning how to express them and feeling like it is okay is what I am working on.
One more thing that I think about when I get in that weird mood? I wonder what it would feel like to slap the crap out of few people!

Nope, don't think you're weird or out of your mind! Just a human being struggling with human emotions, like we all are, in one way or another.
People don't see the anger part of me either (my husband, um, he has to live with me, so he does see more of it!) and generally think I handle things with such calm. Well, outwardly, yes.....inwardly, is often stormy. Public calm, private anger.....
My T has said things to me like your T has said to you, above. About standing up for myself...she said 'finding your voice'. I don't like confrontations, either, or to have people see that I'm upset/angry.
She also says I pay way too much attention to the negative and it's so hard for me to see that there is good (some of that is tied up with past hurts/traumas and depression, of course)......when she tells me she sees amazing, wonderful things about me (or that I AM an amazing, wonderful person) I tell her 'who are you talking about?!'
As for your last statement.... It does feel great to 'slap the crap' out of the punching bag in the gym!

[ECHOES]

Although I also know how the anger can ignite and turn inward and have the recent bruises from that (very embarassed to admit it happened again. it had been so long),
in truth, the emotion of anger doesn't require any behavior. Thoughts and emotions are just that and we don't have to "do" anything in response.

Exploring what triggered the anger, and what it's about is something that can be done. When did it start... a moment ago or was something that happened a moment ago the trigger for something that happened this morning, yesterday, last week, the last time I was with this person, years ago...

Thinking back and trying to figure out what may have triggered my anger, I do know what probably caused it. My husband has been addicted to pornography most of our married life. It bothers me a great deal. When my children were younger, I was constantly worried that they would come in on him while he was viewing that sort of stuff.

A few years ago, he just happened to leave his email open. I wasn't trying to spy on him or anything, but I started reading the last email he wrote. To my total shock, he had been having an emotional, sexual, online relationship with a woman for months! I read all the graphic details about how they wanted to have sex with each other.

This is not the first time he has done this. He always tells me that he is sorry and that he is not going to do that again. After a while, you just don't believe it anymore. I don't EVER go into his emails. I don't want to know what he is doing anymore. I cannot handle that.

Some people would not view this as having an affair, but I do. It may not be physical, but having intimate, sexual conversations with another woman IS having an affair in my book.

The trigger was that we got into a conversation about sex. I guess I hit a nerve with him (cannot remember what I said), but his comment was that it was none of my business what he does (concerning masturbation and what he does in private). I was like, "What did you say?" He repeated it and said that what he does in private is not hurting anyone. He thinks it is no big deal.

This was my clue that he was up to that stuff again. Not sure if he is actually communicating with women, but then again, I don't want to know. I was so mad that I walked out and slammed the door! Yes, anger showed up that night. Talk about hurt, rejection, and a slap in the face, that is how I felt that night. I HATE that he does that, but I cannot control what others do, I can only control what I do (and that is a full time job right now).

[ECHOES]

Great thinking and figuring out what his statements to you meant about his current behavior, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this in your marriage.

He always tells me that he is sorry and that he is not going to do that again.

Addicts do this. And they actually mean it but they are unable to stop. Since he thinks his behavior is none of you business, I'm guessing he isn't getting help for this.

[Sannah]

Squiggle, this is a normal thing to get angry about. People get angry when their needs aren't getting met.

I don't think that anger needs to be controlled. Anger needs to be talked about and you can't let your actions get out of control. Many people feel that the beating stuff can actually make you more angry but this is debated. I think that the best thing is talking about it and problem solving when you are angry.

The question about therapy making you angry, therapy gets you in touch with your feelings and if there is anger in there it is healthy to let it out.

You must have heard that it isn't okay to get angry while you were growing up and you still believe this. Some of us learned all sorts of unhelpful stuff while growing up.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Squiggle, this is a normal thing to get angry about. People get angry when their needs aren't getting met.

I don't think that anger needs to be controlled. Anger needs to be talked about and you can't let your actions get out of control. Many people feel that the beating stuff can actually make you more angry but this is debated. I think that the best thing is talking about it and problem solving when you are angry.

I have seen articles too where it questions doing stuff like using punching bags/beating things, that it doesn't really remove or resolve the anger. And I can see the truth in that....but I also find, for me, that there is a huge energy with the emotion that makes me feel like I HAVE to do something physically, to get the energy out....and the punching bag is a safe way to release that energy. Otherwise, it may come out in uncontrolled, unsafe ways.
But I think that talking it over/problem solving is so very necessary too. What if I just punch something when I'm angry but don't talk about it, don't try to find a calm way to resolve/dissolve it? Then it does stay in there, still bubbling under the surface until it's ignited again. I think just for myself anyway, both are needed together to fully deal with the anger itself and the root of the anger.

[Sannah]

Maybe that is the key PG? Those who only do the punching etc. are the ones who are getting more angry and those who talk/problem solve and punch are getting relief?

[skeksi]

I think any person in your position would be furious and having fantasies about destroying windshields. That's natural.

The question is, do you want to deal with it self-destructively by hurting yourself, or constructively by addressing it and perhaps resolving it within the relationship? Unfortunately you and your husband don't seem to understand one another on this; you are hurt, wounded particularly because of his past behavior, and he doesn't understand why you are affected. There are some big conversations to be had here, either with just the two of you or with you both and a counselor.

There is nothing wrong with FEELING anger. There is nothing wrong with EXPRESSING anger, either. I think those of us with a history of self-harm have been taught that expressing anger means someone gets hurt; thus, we hurt ourselves to avoid hurting others. But anger can be the driving force of constructive change, too.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Tonight, out of nowhere ANGER started surfacing. I was thinking about crazy stuff. Like going to a public parking lot and bashing in all the car windows with a baseball bat! Or maybe taking a pair of scissors and stabbing a pillow until I ripped it to shreds and then starting in on my mattress!

Everyone experiences anger; it's a regular, common emotion. When you are hurt, disappointed, or frustrated, anger is a way to let yourself know so you can do something about whatever is blocking your way forward. If you do not do anything, suppress the anger or feel helpless to do anything about whatever the problem is, you will get depressed.

I like when I get weird-to-me anger thoughts like you describe above; because they seem so unlike me, it makes me stop immediately and examine what is actually happening in my life; where I am feeling helpless or hurt. I still remember how shocked I was when my therapist talked about a vacation she was going on in a few weeks and I was fine with that, noted the dates on my calendar, etc. but when I left the office, I saw her car and had the urge to slash her tires It is not anything I would ever do (or even think of doing :-) but then I realized just how unhappy I was that my T was going away. I might not have learned and confronted my true feelings if I hadn't had the angry thoughts I did.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe that is the key PG? Those who only do the punching etc. are the ones who are getting more angry and those who talk/problem solve and punch are getting relief?

I think perhaps so.....now that I am in therapy and able to talk about it too, I am learning more about the root of my anger (the issues/experiences behind it) and am coming to understand more the shame/pain that is at the root of it, I have found a lot more relief! That is just my experience, so I don't mean to generalize, however.

I got really brave an emailed my T part of my discussion on this. She is going to see a really different side of me! I wonder what in the world she will think. I have an idea that she knows I have been suppressing anger for awhile now. Just not sure what she will think of bashing windows and stabbing pillows!

[rainbow8]

The situation with your H is a legitimate cause for anger. Would your T see both of you, or is your H the kind who refuses to go to therapy? In any case, I'm glad you emailed your T what is going on and I'm sure she will help you.

[rainbow8]

Squiggle, I just read your other thread about your H being a quadriplegic. I didn't know that or I wouldn't have asked about him going to therapy. I imagine that might be difficult or impossible, though it doesn't mean you can't get help from your t for the two of you.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I got really brave an emailed my T part of my discussion on this. She is going to see a really different side of me! I wonder what in the world she will think. I have an idea that she knows I have been suppressing anger for awhile now. Just not sure what she will think of bashing windows and stabbing pillows!

I think she will think this is something important to you that you feel strongly about and find hard to talk about, and that it makes you feel very frustrated, trapped and hopeless.

Even when I get mad at my H for what he does, and want to walk away (take a time out), I can't.

He depends on me to take care of him. I can't leave him overnight to go and have some 'me' time. I think if I could get away from being a caregiver every now and then, I might not have so much anger built up.

I am sure some of you will ask if there is someone who could take care of him for just one night. The answer to that is no. We don't have anyone trained to do that. Sure we could hire someone that knows how to take care of his needs, but that would cost like an arm and a leg!

Trapped is a word I use often. Yes, I feel trapped. No way out of this.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Even when I get mad at my H for what he does, and want to walk away (take a time out), I can't.

He depends on me to take care of him. I can't leave him overnight to go and have some 'me' time. I think if I could get away from being a caregiver every now and then, I might not have so much anger built up.

I am sure some of you will ask if there is someone who could take care of him for just one night. The answer to that is no. We don't have anyone trained to do that. Sure we could hire someone that knows how to take care of his needs, but that would cost like an arm and a leg!

Trapped is a word I use often. Yes, I feel trapped. No way out of this.

[ECHOES]

Would insurance cover home health care, Squiggle? Or a community agency of some kind?
I'm thinking it would be a good idea to have someone come in and learn how to care for him overnight. Not only so you get the respite that you need, but so you do have the experience of it should you ever absolutely need to have someone come in: for example, if you became sick or needed to be overnight in the hospital or needed to go out of town for some reason. He has needs yes, but you do too and his do not trump yours.

He finally got on Medicare or Medicaid (not sure which one it is) this month. Up until now, he was on my private insurance. I asked him to check in to what kind of help we can get as far as someone coming into the home.

I often wonder what we would do if something happened to me and I couldn't be here. My mom and sister are nurses, so if push came to shove, they could come over. He would would be mortified for them to see him naked, but you kinda have to do that when you put a catheter in so he can pee-pee! And he has the ostomy bag for BMs that they would have to take of.

[ECHOES]

Here is the CMS (Centers for Medicare and Medicaid) website. http://www.cms.gov/
There are links to Medicare and to Medicare coverages. I hope this helps.

Your husband's doctor can advise you also. He/she will know how to direct you to really good quality care. People get help with catheter care and ostomy and bowel care routinely, so it won't be difficult to find someone who knows just what to do.