[geez]

I had my appt this morning as I do every Tues and I had planned what I was going to share and then I shut my feelings down. I felt distant from T (now I feel even more distant and as you read on you'll see why). I found it hard to just talk about the lighter stuff and was screaming in my head - talk! just talk! - say what you need to say! but it was too hard in that moment.

At the end of my appt she asked what I would like to do next (make an appt is what that translates to - or not). I asked her what her schedule looks like and she said next week she's 'off' and then recanted and said that her M, Tues, Wed was booked up with students coming back to school. WTF IS THE POINT OF HAVING A STANDING APPT THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I screamed in my head) She then told me that she got booked up but she could meet with me on Thurs of next week so I took that time. In addition to that she did offer the following Tues same time per usual.

I know I probably sound like a brat right now but i feel so distant from T right now. I'm hurt that she gave up my time Tues of next week to someone else. I guess I should look at the positive side that she had an opening on Thurs? I'm a flexible person in general and I originally had a 10:30 standing appt on Tues and that got switched to Tues 11:30 kind of by her influence (I don't mind that). Sorry for witching ........... I'm feeling sad right now.... scraps ... nothing but scraps.

[phoenix7]

(((((((((((((((((((((((geez))))))))))))))))))))))))))

dont beat yourself up for not speaking up - its so hard to do - just say to yourself - I wil do better next time _ thats al you can do ok

Im sorry your T appointments are being moved around - try to remember its NOT personal - even though it feels like it is - perhaps you could speak to her and say yu need some consistency in the appointments and could you have a regular time of X on X day so you can arrange thigns around it.

My good T always had to get back to me about appointments - wiht him it was i think that he took a lot on and so was squeezing me in when he was at an office nearest to me for my beneift but it alwaysd meant i got the cal usually the day before the appointment - this used to make me feel like ...dunno... not important i guess - not worthy - until i realised that - he was seeing me and fitting me in - did i ramble on a bit - sorry

If yuo ahve a good relationship wiht your T try not to let this get to you

big hugs and let us knwo how you go next week ok

P7

[Omers]

I'm sorry things got moved around. I would find that very upsetting too. I usually need a week or two warning for me to be OK with a change in time or date. consistancy helps most of us feel safe. Some people need consistancy in different places or ways than others and some people need more while others less... but we all need some. It might be important to tell your T that the standing appointment is an important part of your feeling safe to do the work you need to do.
I know it sounds funny but one of the people I work with is moving from her summer clothes to her winter clothes and even that throws me off! It is strange what comforts us but it is what it is.

[geez]

Originally Posted by phoenix7

- perhaps you could speak to her and say yu need some consistency in the appointments and could you have a regular time of X on X day so you can arrange things around it.

Thank you phoenix for your hugs and your response (geez LOVES hugs but IRL it's really awkward/difficult for me to initiate hugs as much as I love them - but I digress).

My appts used to be scattered here and there and then she volunteered an option for me to have a set time and day of week for me to work best with my schedule as I need to arrange child care etc.. and Tues are less hectic for me ( that is something I aways wanted but was always afraid to ask and she offered that option to me ) - a standing appt and I would just have to let her know if I wasn't going to come for an appt for that Tues.

I don't know if she's stirring the pot to get me to say something? I hate confrontation and I typically shut down. The last 4 sessions have been difficult in a good way. I felt really connected and safe with T (safe enough to take my shoes off at my last session - something I always wanted to do but was too afraid to - today I kept my shoes on). In the pervious four sessions I was able to be open and honest and to feel my emotions and talk about them as painful as it was. I surrendered myself to them and I felt like it was something I've been wanting but haven't been able to do. Now I feel different and want that feeling back.

Fortunately with the holiday weekend coming up I can be busy enough to pass the time but next week is going to be hard waiting till Thursday.

Thanks for listening.

[WikidPissah]

ugh...that would upset me as well. I am organized to a fault, and if any little thing falls out of line I get really messed up. These days I have haphazard appointment everywhere (with medical professionals) and it's driving me nuts. My December calendar looks like a bingo card. Sigh,...sorry I went off...anyways, I hope you can stay busy till Thurs. If it gets bad just post...I'll always read!

[Sannah]

Geez, do you understand what caused you to feel distant from T at the beginning of the appt.?

When she changed your standing appt. you felt pushed aside? This sounds like it was very triggering for you?

[granite1]

geez just wanted to let you lkknow i'm here dont have much more to say exsept you are worth way more than just scraps

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Geez, do you understand what caused you to feel distant from T at the beginning of the appt.?

Sannah I don't know why I felt distant at the beginning of the appt. I did things a little bit diff than last week (I didn't take a moment for myself in the beginning like last week and I just felt stuck. In my head I thought about what I wanted to say ahead of time (some of it was leftover from last session) and when I got there I just 'gave up'. It would kind of be like doing all this training for a marathon and then showing up for the race and just standing there as everyone runs past you. Your legs stay frozen and any energy you had before the race just leaves your body. I had that feeling today. I just wanted to be the runner that collapsed at the starting line of the race to never stand up again. I feel disappointed in myself, cheated and destructive right now.

As for feeling pushed aside I totally feel that way. I feel like I don't matter and if I say something to her she's going to be upset with me for being needy and want to get rid of me. That hurts.

[Perna]

I hate those appointments that just don't seem to go right and you have to wait a week to try again. It must be much harder to have what you feel to be "your" time taken by others before you get there. I can see why you feel so disconnected. I wish your T had thought about that when you all were talking or that you had done a mock horror, "What, you gave some school child MY appointment time on Tuesday?!!" and pretend to be thoroughly dejected I wasn't above making my T feel a little bad about being forgetful, especially if she didn't catch it herself, first.

I do a lot of work with my dreams and some dream experts say to play with alternate endings if you don't like the one in the dream, to better understand what the dream is saying to you. Were I you, I'd do that with this appointment, pretend it was like a dream and I'd think of some things I would have said to T during the session (and how you think she might have responded) and in this instance, at the end, with scheduling a next appointment. My appointments were truly "locked in" and we didn't ever schedule them, just said "see you next week" but I had two sessions back-to-back and I imagine those would be harder to schedule overall so one would have to make sure they were the same time and that that time was kept clear.

Can you email your T at all or call her and tell her you are feeling disconnected? Maybe a one minute phone call could help boost the connection until next Thursday when you can discuss it in more detail?

[geez]

Originally Posted by Perna

Can you email your T at all or call her and tell her you are feeling disconnected? Maybe a one minute phone call could help boost the connection until next Thursday when you can discuss it in more detail?

(((Perna))) thank you for your thoughtful response. I wish I could speak like you do!! - any conflict and I freeze . Grrrr I so need to change that.

I'm aftraid to call my T - I feel so stupid right now. I'm afraid to email my T - she's not into email so much and I couldn't face the rejection of her not responding via email in a comforting way if at all. This sucks. I get to sit here feeling like crap and she lives her life. Sigh. Sorry for the pitty party everyone. This crap can be draining for me sometimes so I can only imagine how sick you all are of hearing about it already.

Perna can you send me some of your super powers perhaps ? - maybe I can gain the courage to do something like actually contact T?? What the hell am I thinking??

Ugh!! ((((((((((((geez)))))))))))

When T messes up the schedule, it feels awful. Early in therapy, he gave my standing appt time away, and I felt super hurt. I actually got to see him the same day, an hour later, but it still felt....yuck. Like he had just FORGOTTEN about me, you know?

And twice, when my session has run late and we haven't had time to schedule my appt, he has PROMISED to keep a spot for me AND FORGOTTEN. AAAAA!!!!!

All of that happened a long time ago, and we really did talk and talk about it. Because it hurt my feelings and made me feel really unimportant. I *knew* on some adult level that it was just scatter-brained T making scheduling mistakes, but what it FELT like was "treehouse? who's treehouse?"

I got really proactive about scheduling, because I didn't want it to happen again, and it really never did happen again. And T and I have both seen how much more stable I am when I see him as often as I need to, so I know he goes out of his way now to make sure I get sessions, even when he's only going to be in one day during a week or whatever. And THAT feels good and makes me feel really cared for.

How you feel is important. It is "right". When I feel sad or upset or angry and then beat myself up for feeling that way, it makes it that much worse...because I have the feeling I started with and then all of this shame piled on top of it.

T sometimes tells me my feelings are "right and good". He tells me that our feelings are just there to give us information. There's no right or wrong.

Therapy is super super super hard work. Be gentle with you.

[WePow]

((((((((((Geez)))))))))))) My T would say that you have a right to certain expectations from the therapy relationship. And you have a right to feel bad about having that standing apt changed without consulting you first. My T sometimes needs to change stuff but he will ask me FIRST if he can help it. I am sorry you had this happen.

[geez]

Well I did it. I sent T an email.. I figured F it. I feel a bit imature for having done it but I wanted to put it on her. I don't want to have to sit with this for 10 days so I said to myself screw it. Let her sit with these crappy feelings now.
Thanks for reading this trash. I guess I have many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

My email to T:

I’m embarrassed to be sending you this but I wanted to put this out there and rid myself of worrying about this for the next 10days.

A part of me feels really stupid and immature for sending this but I’m hurt that my time was given to someone else next Tuesday. In general I was feeling disconnected today at my appointment (not sure why). Before my appointment I had it in my mind what I wanted to talk about and then I shut down emotionally (perhaps I should have given myself a minute in the beginning?). The previous 4 appointments were hard for me not just talking about things but the feelings I had afterwards.

Back when you first came up with the idea for me to have standing appointments I must say I was relieved and thankful (something I probably never told you). There’s a safety in knowing that I have a designated time and a comfort I’ve always wanted. Now I feel like I’m cast aside. I’m just some worthless client of yours. How could I be so stupid.

[Sannah]

Geez, I'm really glad that you sent that email. What you are feeling is very important. Maybe you feel embarrassed because this is your inner child responding and it was she who was hurt. This is totally normal, however. Can you think more on what this triggered in you and where it came from?

Originally Posted by geez

I was feeling disconnected today at my appointment ... Before my appointment I had it in my mind what I wanted to talk about and then I shut down emotionally .... The previous 4 appointments were hard for me not just talking about things

but the feelings I had afterwards.

Maybe this is why you shut down? You didn't want to deal with the feelings afterwards?

[WePow]

((((((Geez)))))) Good for you !!! You expressed your feelings in a very clear and respectful way !!!!! Way to go!! Way to stand up for the little Geez inside who needs that safe time to be maintained! My T would say that what you did was a good display of self-care !!

[geez]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Can you think more on what this triggered in you and where it came from?

Maybe this is why you shut down? You didn't want to deal with the feelings afterwords?

An answer to the first question: I don't have the energy to go there right now.

The answer to the second question is: yes on not wanting to deal with the feelings afterwords and the questions that would follow from my T during my appt in addition to any uncomfortable feelings she may have after me saying what I needed to say.

[geez]

((((WePow)))) Thanks a whole bunch for your supportive comments. I feel a little bit less like a freak now.

[WePow]

((((Geez)))) It does tend to make a person feel a bit off-center when we finally are able to take up for ourselves. It is great to be able to start learning how to stand up for ourselves with our T. That is the safe person we are supposed to be using for this vital learning process.

I remember the first time I had to stand up to my T and say "I asked you for a reply and needed that reply, but you didn't give me a reply."
My T appologized! And we came up with a better way to do this. Problem solved.

But I was literally shaking when I went into that session. I had always avoided standing up to any authority in any way. But after I was able to do this in a safe way with my T, I felt great!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by geez

The answer to the second question is: yes on not wanting to deal with the feelings afterwords and the questions that would follow from my T during my appt in addition to any uncomfortable feelings she may have after me saying what I needed to say.

Now it is very clear..........

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by geez

I had my appt this morning as I do every Tues and I had planned what I was going to share and then I shut my feelings down. I felt distant from T (now I feel even more distant and as you read on you'll see why). I found it hard to just talk about the lighter stuff and was screaming in my head - talk! just talk! - say what you need to say! but it was too hard in that moment.At the end of my appt she asked what I would like to do next (make an appt is what that translates to - or not). I asked her what her schedule looks like and she said next week she's 'off' and then recanted and said that her M, Tues, Wed was booked up with students coming back to school. WTF IS THE POINT OF HAVING A STANDING APPT THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I screamed in my head) She then told me that she got booked up but she could meet with me on Thurs of next week so I took that time. In addition to that she did offer the following Tues same time per usual.I know I probably sound like a brat right now but i feel so distant from T right now. I'm hurt that she gave up my time Tues of next week to someone else. I guess I should look at the positive side that she had an opening on Thurs? I'm a flexible person in general and I originally had a 10:30 standing appt on Tues and that got switched to Tues 11:30 kind of by her influence (I don't mind that). Sorry for witching ........... I'm feeling sad right now.... scraps ... nothing but scraps.

((((geez)))))

Ah man I understand! I would feel sad to if I was dedicated to that appointment slot and had a standing appointment time/day that was taken up by a newbie. Maybe she though (since your appointment obviously wasn't in her book yet) that you wouldn't mind so much since she was going to see you for sure anyway? She doesn't seem to have known how connected to that day/time you were. I doubt she would have consciously "replaced" you with someone else. She probably knew you were a flexible person and thought it wouldn't bother you.

I am at the point where I am able to say certain things. If I think my T is insensitive to something or that he doesn't care about me at a particular moment in time, I say so. I'd say something at your next appointment so that your T knows how much she hurt you. Turn it into a lesson for her, because I don't think she knew she was being insensitive.

[geez]

Originally Posted by SenatorPenguin8081

I am at the point where I am able to say certain things. If I think my T is insensitive to something or that he doesn't care about me at a particular moment in time, I say so. I'd say something at your next appointment so that your T knows how much she hurt you. Turn it into a lesson for her, because I don't think she knew she was being insensitive.

Thanks for your response Penguin. I guess my MO is typically to be a doormat and not say anything. I'm working on not being a doormat and being more vocal. I sent her an email as perviously posted and I'm sure I will have to bring it up verbally when I see her. I'm so nervous about it and scared. I fear she is going to reject me.
Anytime I was upset about something I was told that I was being too sensitive and my feelings were never validated (when I would try to go to my mom for support - this is something I tried once - she physically pushed me away and yelled at me). Blah, blah, blah.......

Thanks for listening.

[rainbow8]

I'm glad you sent your T that email. I thought it was clear, honest and to the point. That's what therapy is about too--learning how to stand up for yourself when things aren't right between you and T. I hope she answers you in a satisfying manner. Since it's Thanksgiving, you may have to wait, though. Do you feel a little better now?

[geez]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm glad you sent your T that email. I thought it was clear, honest and to the point. That's what therapy is about too--learning how to stand up for yourself when things aren't right between you and T. I hope she answers you in a satisfying manner. Since it's Thanksgiving, you may have to wait, though. Do you feel a little better now?

Hi ((rainbow)) I doubt that I will hear from my T at all before my next appt. Unless she thought i was SU perhaps she would. In general she doesn't communicate via email and will respond if asked a direct question (which I didn't send in my email). I know it's a holiday and I don't believe she's traveling but anyhow I know she will be in her office next week and I am seeing her on Thursday. I will not call her as I feel like it's too awkward as scary as the face to face will be.

I feel a little less scared but I do feel embarrassed, angry, hurt and from what others have posted I don't think she will shame me but based on childhood experiences it sure does feel like that's a possibility.

Thanks for listening.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by geez

Thanks for your response Penguin. I guess my MO is typically to be a doormat and not say anything. I'm working on not being a doormat and being more vocal. I sent her an email as perviously posted and I'm sure I will have to bring it up verbally when I see her. I'm so nervous about it and scared. I fear she is going to reject me.
Anytime I was upset about something I was told that I was being too sensitive and my feelings were never validated (when I would try to go to my mom for support - this is something I tried once - she physically pushed me away and yelled at me). Blah, blah, blah.......

Thanks for listening.

Geez, I understand these feelings SO WELL. Do you watch In Treatment? In this week's episode Paul (the T) is in therapy with Adele, and he gets angry at Adele and tries to push his boundaries and she stands firm...but oh it made me SO UNFCOMFORTABLE. I was literally shouting "Oh no!!! Oh my god! ahhhh!" and covering my eyes like a kid I seriously could not handle him being mad. Obviously I have anger issues. I have been in therapy for 3 years, and just a week ago was able to leave a voicemail to my T saying that I was afraid she was annoyed at me because she compared me to Eeyore. I really couldn't say "That hurt my feelings", I had to re-direct it by saying what I was afraid SHE was feeling.

And that was HARD. Very hard. Then in therapy, my EMDR-T (who had heard the VM too) said that she was glad I could be so honest on her VM, and I joked "Yeah, and it took me 3 years to do this." I sometimes think I am moving at the smallest increments possible forward. So, I admire you for being able to be direct with your T, and keep at it. I let everything drop right away or just never say it at all. It is safer for me to absorb the hurt then to draw attention to it--because I DO.NOT.WANT anyone to be angry at me.

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by geez

Thanks for your response Penguin. I guess my MO is typically to be a doormat and not say anything. I'm working on not being a doormat and being more vocal. I sent her an email as perviously posted and I'm sure I will have to bring it up verbally when I see her. I'm so nervous about it and scared. I fear she is going to reject me.
Anytime I was upset about something I was told that I was being too sensitive and my feelings were never validated (when I would try to go to my mom for support - this is something I tried once - she physically pushed me away and yelled at me). Blah, blah, blah.......

Thanks for listening.

((((geez)))))
I've been rejected by more than one "professional", but not my T of 2 years. I've learned from experience that it is not as bad as it first appears (actually a blessing in disguise as it is better to find out sooner than later that your T is a ****), and secondly, that the "professional" T's and Pdocs and whatevers usually reject you in the very early stages of therapy.
I also discovered it is because they are inadequate. Your T doesn't appear to be lacking in good T qualities, so I think this is just anxiety magnified.

My parents aren't very good at being supportive. They barely qualify in that regard. They are quite lucky to have me but are so self-absorbed they barely notice. That's their problem though. They didn't walk around validating my feelings either. But, I'm at the point in my life where I don't need their opinions. Sometimes I'm just RIGHT and I know it and I feel it and I don't need them to vocalize it to feel valued anymore. I hope that you can get to that point someday too geez