[Protoform]

I went to therapy, felt disgusted by the affection I developed toward my therapist, ended the therapy, and now I feel the need to find a woman, treat her the way my therapist treated me, I want to very nice to her until she loves me, and once she is completely attached to me and dependent on me, I want to kick her out of my life - at best due to some lame excuse, at worst no explanation given.

If she can't cope with her emotions, if she panics, if she becomes depressed, if she does something stupid, I will rest knowing that my only "crime" was giving her love.

I know that my desire to see a woman go through what I went through is immoral and I am ashamed to admit it, but I honestly think that's the only way to heal the pain that I endured while I was in therapy.

[purple_fins]

It sucks that you are so hurt.

one thing I was wondering...... are you a guy, by any chance? ....

I've been noticing in this world that generally when a guy -- boy or man-- gets hurt they tend to want to hurt someone back(and not usually the one that hurt them-- it's often an innocent bystander that had nothing to do with their being hurt)....

and generally when a woman has been hurt ... she usually turns the hurt onto herself.....

I wish your experience was not a negative one with that therapist.

peace to you
fins

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

It sucks that you are so hurt.

one thing I was wondering...... are you a guy, by any chance? ....

I've been noticing in this world that generally when a guy -- boy or man-- gets hurt they tend to want to hurt someone back(and not usually the one that hurt them-- it's often an innocent bystander that had nothing to do with their being hurt)....

and generally when a woman has been hurt ... she usually turns the hurt onto herself.....

That's an interesting observation. Yes, I am a grown up man. Physically mature but as you can see from my posts, emotionally immature.

[Perna]

Causing others pain and not confronting the situation directly that caused you pain probably cannot help you feel any better. You are obviously not a sociopath because you are very hurt and "care" about this and are trying to feel better.

Other people cannot "make" us love them. Our feelings are our own and are information to help us understand ourselves and the world around us. That you developed such an intense, personal attachment to your therapist; that is not the main "purpose" of therapy and may be useful to you as a key to your emotional difficulties. I would find a male therapist and work with him on your intense connection you felt and hurt from her "rejection" of you.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by Perna

Other people cannot "make" us love them.

Can they act in a way that is likely to make us love them? Yes.

How is it done? By giving us love. If someone gives you love and the next thing you know you also love them, that's a normal human response. It's not something that is consciously done. So the person who purposely gave love to the other person shares some responsibility for the love that the other person develops toward her/him.

Our feelings are our own and are information to help us understand ourselves and the world around us. That you developed such an intense, personal attachment to your therapist; that is not the main "purpose" of therapy

Absolutely. That's not what I went to therapy. But the therapists knew I have emotional problems, and she did nothing to prevent me from enduring this pain.

and may be useful to you as a key to your emotional difficulties. I would find a male therapist and work with him on your intense connection you felt and hurt from her "rejection" of you.

I did. The guy accused me of being paranoid for daring to blame the first therapist for what happened to me. I don't care if it means I am paranoid. As far as I know she is partly to blame for what happened to me. Her job was to help me, not quietly watch as I got hurt.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

i'm sorry you feel so hurt..was it you who ended your own therapy or your therapist?

You say if you hurt someone else the only thing you will be guilty of is loving them...but that's not really true is it? You will be guilty of hurting that person, premeditated pain to another none the less and it may actually just make you feel worse.

Plus the relationship with a therapist is not the same as the relationship with someone else because even going into therapy its pretty much known by the client that they wont have that therapist for the rest of their lives...but in a normal relationship, it is a very real posssibility, so the hurt you inflict on the innocent by-stander is not equal at all - not that hurting another will remove your pain anyway.

I dont think your a sociopath, I think your someone who is hurting a lot and feels angry about that also. hurting someone else wont change what happened and I really hope you dont go through with your plan.

all the best

[elliemay]

If you honestly believe that the only way to help you heal the wound your therapist left you with is to go out and hurt someone else, then you need some help. Seriously. Like.Right.Now.

You're hurt, you're angry. You have a right to that anger and that hurt. It's yours to own. You have the power to not perpetuate it further.

I sincerely hope you will reach out in a positive way and get the help you need to process this and heal this wound.

I'm sorry you have it, empathize with it, but get help such that you neither have to carry it with you or give it to someone else.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey,

i'm sorry you feel so hurt..was it you who ended your own therapy or your therapist?

You say if you hurt someone else the only thing you will be guilty of is loving them...but that's not really true is it? You will be guilty of hurting that person, premeditated pain to another none the less and it may actually just make you feel worse.

Plus the relationship with a therapist is not the same as the relationship with someone else because even going into therapy its pretty much known by the client that they wont have that therapist for the rest of their lives...but in a normal relationship, it is a very real posssibility, so the hurt you inflict on the innocent by-stander is not equal at all - not that hurting another will remove your pain anyway.

Not really. Most relationships are temporary. Even most marriages end in divorce.

I dont think your a sociopath, I think your someone who is hurting a lot and feels angry about that also. hurting someone else wont change what happened and I really hope you dont go through with your plan.

all the best

I also hope I get these ideas out of my mind. I don't really want anyone to go through the pain I went through

[purple_fins]

I hope you don't hurt anyone that had nothing to do with your
situation with the therapist.......

It's upsetting to think of others being hurt... just because we ourselves hurt.....

hurting someone else doesn't end the cycle of pain--
it perpetuates it.... *sigh*.......

fins

[PTSDlovemycats]

Have you considered seeing another T?

[Liam Grey]

Originally Posted by purple_fins

It sucks that you are so hurt.

one thing I was wondering...... are you a guy, by any chance? ....

I've been noticing in this world that generally when a guy -- boy or man-- gets hurt they tend to want to hurt someone back(and not usually the one that hurt them-- it's often an innocent bystander that had nothing to do with their being hurt)....

and generally when a woman has been hurt ... she usually turns the hurt onto herself.....

It sounds a little like a common habit, don't you think?

I'm a guy and I would never do that stuff. I would actually be the happiest man on the world if a girl ever become attached to me like that... last thing on my mind would be to hurt or such. I'd rather hurt myself before.

(I don't want to sound aggressive at all, just want to give out my perspective!)

[Ygrec23]

Dear Protoform,

Pull up your socks, lad. Delete any ideas of vengeance regarding other, completely innocent people. It will not help you or them. If you can't handle that, you're in worse shape than you may have expected. Your depth of emotional hurt relates back to your childhood, something you have to work on with a T acceptable to you. Emotional adults do not revenge themselves on innocent people. You're quite right being here on PC. This is the place for men like yourself. But PC in no way replaces the need for a real, effective T with whom you meet frequently to work on your problems. If you take your misery out on completely innocent people, male or female, you will regret it terribly in the future when, with your new T, you move toward solving your own problems. Get a male T. Work with him seriously. And leave innocent people alone! Take care.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Ygrec - Well said!

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Dear Protoform,

Pull up your socks, lad. Delete any ideas of vengeance regarding other, completely innocent people. It will not help you or them. If you can't handle that, you're in worse shape than you may have expected. Your depth of emotional hurt relates back to your childhood, something you have to work on with a T acceptable to you. Emotional adults do not revenge themselves on innocent people. You're quite right being here on PC. This is the place for men like yourself. But PC in no way replaces the need for a real, effective T with whom you meet frequently to work on your problems. If you take your misery out on completely innocent people, male or female, you will regret it terribly in the future when, with your new T, you move toward solving your own problems. Get a male T. Work with him seriously. And leave innocent people alone! Take care.

Male T's can be very aggressive and confrontational. They are usually not as caring and compassionate as female T's.

But if I get a female T, what if I end up falling in love with her?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Protoform

Male T's can be very aggressive and confrontational. They are usually not as caring and compassionate as female T's.

But if I get a female T, what if I end up falling in love with her?

What if you find a much older T.....one who's female, caring, compassionate, not ugly but not so pretty that it makes you feel lustful or like falling in love or whatever.... Sorry if that sounds like an irreverent comment! It just seems like you're setting some hard conditions to meet in finding a good T....
I never wanted a male T because I had some similar ideas about them, but I did see a male counselor a few months several years ago, and he was gentle, kind, caring and compassionate and spiritual, too. Not aggressive or confrontational. Some female Ts can be that way, too, though...it depends on the individual personality, not the gender, per se!
I have a female T not much older than me, who is caring, compassionate, and very beautiful......I feel more comfortable having a female T than a male one, but the fact she is lovely has played into the deep attachment I feel to her, too, I think. But I am not in love with her......I do love her in a non-romantic way, but because she is compassionate and caring, not because she is beautiful physically.
I hope you can find a T with whom you are comfortable and can be honest about these feelings you have, worries you have about falling in love with your T. Open communication helps so much in dealing with feelings like that, which really are pretty normal in the therapy process.
And yes, please do NOT take out feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment with a T on someone innocent! Find a T instead who can help you with those feelings!

[learning1]

Originally Posted by Protoform

I did. The guy accused me of being paranoid for daring to blame the first therapist for what happened to me. I don't care if it means I am paranoid. As far as I know she is partly to blame for what happened to me. Her job was to help me, not quietly watch as I got hurt.

You will be stronger if you learn how to take care of your own feelings instead of being angry about something you can't control. It is HARD to learn how to take care of your own feelings and it hurts when therapists say things you don't want to hear about what you're doing that isn't working. I hate it. If you keep going to therapy, you can learn from it.
I'm glad you are continuing to try to find a therapist.

Originally Posted by Protoform

Male T's can be very aggressive and confrontational. They are usually not as caring and compassionate as female T's.

But if I get a female T, what if I end up falling in love with her?

I really think every T is an individual.

My T is a male, and he truly is caring and compassionate. And it's very easy for me to imagine a female T being aggressive and confrontational (probably because of my history).

When I was looking for a T, I read descriptions online, and I made some phone calls (most T's are willing to spend a few minutes on the phone with you before you schedule a session), and it helped me make my decision. I was lucky and found someone I could work with on my first try...I know that some people need to try a few different T's before they find one that they're comfortable with.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by Protoform

I also hope I get these ideas out of my mind. I don't really want anyone to go through the pain I went through

I think this just shows that you definately arent a sociopath, just someone whos in a lot of pain and doesnt know what to do to make it go away...which is a horrible feeling. I think we can tell how bad something is for someone if they acknowledge that they wouldnt wish their pain on anyone because it feels just so unbearable.

[Ygrec23]

Male T's can be very aggressive and confrontational. They are usually not as caring and compassionate as female T's.

Male T's are ONLY aggressive and confrontational when they're faced with a patient as angry and belligerent as you are. If you drop those attitudes you'll find that male T's are as caring and compassionate as female T's.

But if I get a female T, what if I end up falling in love with her?

Whether or not you "fall in love" with a female T is entirely up to you. You do have control over your own emotions, whether you realize that or not. And no female T can "make" you fall in love with her.

From what you say it sounds to me as if some part of you (maybe outside of your awareness) is thinking up anything it can to torpedo your therapy. I think you need to stand up to your unconscious, put aside those self-defeating strategies and commit yourself seriously to getting better through therapy.

Take care.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Whether or not you "fall in love" with a female T is entirely up to you.

False. We have no control over such basic emotions. It's like telling a person not to feel startled if all of a sudden they see an out of control car heading in their direction.

You do have control over your own emotions, whether you realize that or not. And no female T can "make" you fall in love with her.

I was careless and got hurt. In the future I will be more cautious and at the first sign of affection sever the relationship.

From what you say it sounds to me as if some part of you (maybe outside of your awareness) is thinking up anything it can to torpedo your therapy. I think you need to stand up to your unconscious, put aside those self-defeating strategies and commit yourself seriously to getting better through therapy.

This is not what I went to therapy for. So what if I have emotional problems? I never would have experienced this particular emotional problem if I had never gone to therapy. I am not going to waste time and money with more therapy. What for? To end up with a new problem that "only therapy" can help me fix? No.

[Oceanwave]

It would be interesting to know what you were in therapy for, with that female therapist. What were the original issues?
Re what to do next, can you have that relationship with a girl, but without dumping her out of revenge, just stay with her and be happy for the rest of your life?

[lastyearisblank]

Maybe you could set up something with your next therapist where there is a screen between you so you don't know what they look like.

[Protoform]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

It would be interesting to know what you were in therapy for, with that female therapist. What were the original issues?
Re what to do next, can you have that relationship with a girl, but without dumping her out of revenge, just stay with her and be happy for the rest of your life?

Probably not. I am too socially dysfunctional to have any woman feel affection toward me. Why do you think I found my relationship with my T so upsetting? Because it's impossible for me to reproduce such type of relationship in the real world. Now I feel crippled and in need something I will never have.

I didn't feel this way before I went to therapy. "Wanting" but not being able to have is a horrible emotion. I didn't "want" before I went to therapy. I wish I had never gone to therapy

[lastyearisblank]

I'm so sorry. You sound sad today.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by Protoform

Probably not. I am too socially dysfunctional to have any woman feel affection toward me. Why do you think I found my relationship with my T so upsetting? Because it's impossible for me to reproduce such type of relationship in the real world. Now I feel crippled and in need something I will never have.

Have some faith! You WILL be able to change that. You'd need to explore what is making it difficult for you to sustain the kind of relationship you long for in the real world.

Do you want to tell what exactly happened between you and that female therapist? The transference feelings you develop in therapy are ususally interconnected with the kinds of issues that bring you to therapy in the first place. I can see that you definitely have something to work on, and your strong feelings are part of the work. If you think you have a problem with relationships in general that you can't solve alone then continuing therapy would be a good idea - either by going back to your female therapist to understand and work through your transference or if that's not possible, with a new therapist.

But don't lose heart. You'd need to put in some more work but having a good relationship in the real world is a reasonable goal, and can be achieved!