[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I had a good few days and even today is good...or was but yesterday..was like so so....but on my way to the car I found myself ...almost like a fast thought not like it was mine but it was....but ..just suddenly thinking on how I am/was gonna commit suicide...I had no clue I was planning it...I sorta blew it out of my mind but it was too odd...So maybe I do need to see T..yet I think of it as maybe a luxury to see T...make sense?

Whats with the thoughts?

[inkblot]

Yeah, now would be a great time to start seeing a T.

[lenjan]

Having the thoughts doesn't necessarily mean you're planning it. I think about it all the time without having the intent to actually go through with it. A couple weeks ago, I was standing by a stair railing on an upper floor, and I casually looked down and thought, "wow, wonder what kind of a splat I'd make." And then it went away. Every night when I open my one med bottle that some schmoe was stupid enough to tell me exactly how much of it would kill me, I look down in the bottle and go "hmmmm." And then it goes away.

Wouldn't hurt you to see a T, but I wouldn't flip out over it, either.

Candy

[gardenergirl]

I agree, having thoughts like that doesn't mean that you're going to hurt yourself. But they are a bit scary. Can you talk to someone about what might be going on that could lead these thoughts to pop up right now?

(((sleeps)))

gg

[kimmydawn]

They are scary! I know one time a thought like that came from nowhere inside of me! It certainly wasn't my thinking and I certainly didn't entertain it, but it freaked me out enough to mention it to t and he said something about "unwanted thoughts". They can happen, and do. It's when we latch onto these unwanted thoughts and entertain them, begin planning, feeling good about them, etc., that they can be a big worry.

I would certainly go to someone just for a bit to talk though, if you feel you even want to

be safe,

kd

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Thanks Inkblot, Candy and GG

I do have a T I just haven't been in a while. I can go talk with him but I know this too sounds crazy but I have like a sty and dont wanna see him looking all crappy

On the ideas no they usually don't freak me when I FEEL like I am thinking these thoughts but what freaks me is not the thought....Hell I KNOW how I will off myself when the day comes....it was the experience of it like NOT being me..like I was waking up to that small period of time I was thinking it...does this make sense in exlaining this better..For the life of me I don't know why I would think or flip out like that cause things have been kinda pretty good for ME lately.....I mean I knew it was ME thinking it but it was so away from me it wasnt like it was me

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Thanks Kimmy we musta posted at the same time...I have OCD features toO, my T said but not OCD. Like in church I can up and think horrible things just pops in my head. I can go years with no problem and wham ...but this was a tiny bit different in that I kinda caught it MID plans

I sound crazier the more I try to explain it

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((((Sleeps))))))))))))))))))))))))

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you are experiencing these feelings, but glad to see the site allow some talk like this for once!

[Fuzzybear]

I am glad too..... I believe in honesty

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

(( SKY..Fuzzy ))) Oh oh is this a forbidden topic? If so why? and what IS the topic? I am not suicidal just that odd deal is what freaks me

Talking about the THOUGHT being there is open for discussion on all websites that I have been and am a member off.

What I have noticed is that what website owners and its members don't want is someone who is posting that at THAT MOMENT they ARE suicidal and ARE going to kill themselves. Even though its on line people do get close to eachother and then when that action post happens theres nothing anyone can do to stop the person who is posting from carrying through with the act.. The members are left hanging bouncing between anger, helplessness, scared..so many ranges of emotions that could and in most cases activates others into attempting a suicidal act just because they cant help their friend.

From personal experience someone did say to me they are going to kill themselves and I had no way to help or stop them and it caused me to almost go over the edge right along with them.

In general as a member of on line support groups I don't ever want to go through that again.

On the other side of the coin I am very glad to read posts that say they have these THOUGHTS but are not actively planning. I can help these people by listening and giving my thoughts and resources when I can.

Like right now..Yea now is the time (sty or not) to at least touch base by phone or appointment with your therapist. In the meantime a resource that has helped me MANY MANY times when this has happened to me is:

the national Suicide hot line - 1-800-784-2433.

When I call I tell them I'm having thoughts, I have no plans to act on them I just needed to hear another persons voice. And they stay on the line with me as long as I need them too.

[GeminiButterfly]

This is a good site...www.metanoia.org/suicide/

There is something really helpful to read and it does help..I know this from experience.

[dexter]

I want to reinforce what myself said... we are allowed to talk about suicide here, we are NOT allowed to post suicidal thoughts.

Like myself said, we can not provide any real proper support for that. It hurts and frustrates the members here. I want to add that the alternative is to call a HOTLINE immediately. That is another good incentive of the "no suicidal posts" rule... instead of spending time here you should be focusing your energy on a hotline that can really get you the help you need.

Talking ABOUT suicide is different, and it can be HEALING to talk about past experiences and share with others how we have overcome them. We have to be carefull about triggering, of course, but that is separate from the "no sucidal posts" rule.

IMO this thread addresses an idea that is perfectly in bounds with support and discussion here.

[dexter]

Figured I should add my thoughts on the topic while I am here... I agree that while this is scary, it is definitely something not to be overly concerned about. Discuss it with your T. Thoughts are just thoughts... they are not "planning" and they are not "feelings." I wouldn't be at all concerned unless those "thoughts" were accompanied by "feelings" of comfort.

When I was in danger, that was how I knew I was in danger. I may have thoughts now but I don't have plans to act on them. When I am really depressed, those thoughts bring me comfort, the appear to be a solution to my pain, and that is when I know I have to talk to someone and get help.

I am aware of and can recognize these feelings and identify them early on... other than my first experience, I have not since ever felt the need to call a hotline because it never gets that far... I am able to recognize the "warning signs" and seek help before it ever really gets to the "planning" stage.

A large part of dealing with these illnesses is understanding our symptoms and triggers and being able, with experience, to identify them early and apply our coping skills as early as possible.

[dottie]

Hi. I would like to share what has happened to my thought process since my brother's suicide in January. He was the last person I would think of to do such a thing.

I suffer from deep depression with intermittant suicidal ideation. I have never gone over the edge...but since my brothers' death..I do have these dreadful thoughts...and they, now, are hitting me with more frequency. I think of him often, wish he had found another way out. Just the thought or mention of S. I. to a depressed person can set off terrible triggers. The mood goes lower and the thoughts become more intense.

We must be so careful about talking about the S word here. I have been battling serious depression all day. Most days are tolerable. I realize it runs in my family..but I refuse to "self-medicate", meaning drinking, drugs, whatever. I won't do what just about every member of my family has done to fight this horrendous and Painful problem, that is drink and drug. No matter how hard it gets. My brother chose illegal drugs (bought over the internet)That only facilitated his demise..and it really brought him no lasting relief.

I hope this post does not offend anyone or trigger anyone. My intention is to bring to light just how triggering any kind of reference to S can be to some folks.

For all those who suffer from this vicious monster..I say..take good care..and remember..tomorrow really can be a better day!

[(JD)]

Sigh. (((hugs to all))) trying to live with PTSD and the suicidal ideation that is a part of this disorder, most threads that even suggest, hint at any current type thoughts, whether going to act on them or not, well, those threads have consistently been deleted. I've argued for more tolerance. But if I say anything else, this post will be deleted for discussing "administrative issues" which is also forbidden. Community guidelines: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Messages containing suicidal threats or suicidal actions

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I put the trigger icon on my post to try and continue that..as this thread could be construed as such to someone who reads it. grrrr

I'm still sorry anyone has visited "this place" where I seem to live. On the edge.. yes... I could be pushed over by a feather, imo... to which I remind myself, and others "Ts are a great "thing" !!!!"

The word and other peoples thoughts used to rule what I would talk about too but then a friend of mine killed herself. I had met her mother in a terrific support group and then she joined the group after disclosing her abuse to the school, her mother and the police. This friend kept a daily journal. and while on a very secure mental health unit succeeded in ending her life. her mom and I and the many people she came in contact with went through all kinds of emotions. The prevailant ones after a while were sadness anger and guilt. Little by little from my own lifes problems I sunk into the suicidal mode and I had every intention of carrying it out. Luckily my friend who's daughter had died by suicide gave me the biggest kick in the pants by email, telling me how selfish carrying the suicidal thoughts out was, what my leaving this world would do to her, my support group friends, and above all my son. And then to seal it she reminded me what her and I had gone through the past year from her daughters death. Told me what was in her daughters journal and then sent me a paragraph that her daughter had written shortly before her death that she had wrote to another friend that was dealing with a death. Dorene Boynton believed 100% in life and she battled to the fullest. But what it came down to was her feeling like she was worthless because she was raped in a mental health unit and those cases are next to immpossible to prosecute. though she and her mom along with promenent people we had met going public fought very hard to get the guy put away she kept getting slammed against walls. She became suicidal and she felt she could not talk about the things bouncing around in her head including the topic of suicide. Because she had no outlet for the topic of suicide the thoughts grew stronger until she couldn't take keeping them inside any more and let it all out by taking her life.

To try and understand what happened with Dorene I started working vollunteer work on the suicide hotline. During training I found out something very interesting. Suicide wins by the person keeping quiet until it builds and the suicidal person stops talking about it, they plan for a long time while outwardly they act like they are doing great. They work very hard at convincing everyone they have contact with that everything in their world is top of the world great. This way the people in their lives have absolutely no idea they are going to attempt a suicidal act so no one is able to stop them. A siucidal who is talking about the thoughts rarely follow through with an act.

So now I say NO I won't let suicide have that kind of power over me. Thoughts and talking about them is ok but acting on those thoughts is wrong. When those thoughts come I email my friends, call the hot line, and I write over and over again - Siucide, Dorene, Suicide, What did Dorene need to say that she couldn't, What do I need to say now. and I just keep going writing, drawing and talking. When the people around me bring up the topic of suicide I take the time to talk about suicide and Dorene and why my friend brought it up and also in relation to me. When I get scared of the topic and word suicide I remind myself not to give it power over me and I go to the website momorial set up for Dorene Boynton and I read each and every post to her and I have posted one there myself. Dorenes act of siucide was selfish and so on but I am deturmined that her death is going to mean something. And the only way that is going to happen is if I stay alive and I talk about what happened to her and continue to talk when the thoughts of suicide come up for me.

THE TOPIC AND WORD SUICIDE ONLY HAS WHAT POWER OVER ME THAT I GIVE IT AND I CHOOSE TO GIVE IT NONE.

I see nothing in this thread that is going to get it pulled. You're doing great. you explained you had thoughts but didn't go into details of graphic actions. You are just asking for help in managing those thoughts. There is nothing wrong with that. Hang in there. Those thoughts will pass. Keep busy - draw write talk whatever you can that will diffuse the thoughts and call your therapist so he knows the thoughts are starting to come up, and if they get stronger call him again and the hotline. Im rooting for you.

[jennie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SleepsWithButterFlies said:
I had a good few days and even today is good...or was but yesterday..was like so so....but on my way to the car I found myself ...almost like a fast thought not like it was mine but it was....but ..just suddenly thinking on how I am/was gonna commit suicide...I had no clue I was planning it...I sorta blew it out of my mind but it was too odd...So maybe I do need to see T..yet I think of it as maybe a luxury to see T...make sense?

Whats with the thoughts?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

A "luxury" to see a therapist? What do you mean? You don't feel like you deserve help when needed? Afraid to ask for help? Don't think you are worth paying money to help yourself?

I hope you do consider seeing a counselor or clergy to discuss what's going on with you.

((((((huggs)))))))

[allthegirls6]

sleeps,

I read you post and it FELT familiar. I remember when things were really bad for me, I also considered driving like a maniac and these thoughs were working away in the back of my head, almost under their own steam.

What is it about..............................
Its hard to know but for me it was when I had reached a place where I had to do something. Not necesarily a bad thing, but do something to change where I was at and how I was dealing with things. What I did was admit to myself I needed help and got me a T.

I still have these thoughts, though not as often. But they have came to signify, for me, troubled times. Times when Im moving on, having to deal with something. Times when i need to stop and turn round and look at the problem.

Its not easy, and it is scary but they do lessen when/if you can sneek a look at what is really going on. What is that worry that makes you want to do something rather than face the actual worry itself.

Keep us all posted

Atg

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hi to all and thank you I need to clear some things up cause this is taking a wrong turn..I don't wanna see that

First I did post my post WITH the trigger Icon..I even asked a moderator the day before to make sure which one trigger really was..If I triggered anyone I am sorry but I DID post it with the icon as NOT to trigger you

Second I am in NO way thinking of suicide ..at all ..no plans

I have yes in my life had it cross my mind and if I did lose it I know what to do to do it...but that is NOT something I would do

I stated seeing T is a luxury or seems like it being I am trying to make the BEST use of my funds that I can..its like hmm pay the phone or see T kinda thing..I am worth both

BUT WHAT FREAKS ME OUT IS as I stated in my original post..I have been having a GOOD week .....I was walking to the car and its like I **kinda woke up to thinking a thought that wasnt mine**..like I didnt own it but I KNEW because I am a rational person...that it WAS *my*
thought....It's LIKE I WOKE UP to my own plan MID plan....THEN I was like wow..shot it out of my head and went got some food, walked the dog..played with him raked leaves etc....Is that maybe more clear? I really would and need some help with this and not on suicide cause I have no issues with it...its that weird deal that creeps me

Thanks

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((sleeps))))))))))))))))

that was clear. As I said in the prior post, T explained to me that it was "unwanted thoughts" and that they certainly can happen and be distressing. He didn't get into why they might happen, but that reasoning is the best course in dealing with them. Reasoning/arguing them away. I haven't talked to him about it but the one time as it's not been a huge issue for me, but just knowing that it happens alot, helped me because like you said...it's scary weird. I've never dealt with suicial ideation either, so it just like was a shock to me! Boom!

I haven't had issue with that since then. I do look back to that time and I have having EXTREME stress about a particular issue at the time. Possibly extreme stress could trigger unwanted thoughts such as these? The continual unwanted thought that I DO have is...I'll be going along with my day, a good day, and out of the blue (just like the one time) it's there..."OMG. What am I going to do?" There's not even anything to worry about. So, I think it might be stress? I have pinpointed stress to that, I know.

Good luck! That's what I can say of what sounds like a pretty close experience as to what you had.

KD

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Thanks Kimmy...Its like lol I went today and that lady did my hair for free and I have no thoughts or plans but yes that kinda waking to a dumb thought threw and scared me a lot...not that I would DO it but more like...WTF ya know..And yes THAT day though it was kind of a good day..I was stressed about a health issue that kinda cropped up and scared me ...but wow that experience WAS scary..Its like walking and waking to finding yourself thinking (a ways into the thought) on how you are going to buy Lakers tickets but you don't like the Lakers..I have dissociated a few times in my life but it was NOT like this...I have seen my T talking and heard no words...but I knew I was me and was thinking more like OK LOOK LIKE YOU CAN HEAR HIM..SMILE and so on,.....Its just creepy ya know

I am cool today but hope it dont happen again

[SleepsWithButterFlies]