How do I forgive myself?

This is my homework assignment that she has given me the past two weeks. I just couldn't do it. That is until tonight. For some reason, it made me angry when I wrote it. She knows that I am not being disrespectful to her, so having an email like this will be seen as progress. She will think it is great that I allowed my emotoins and feeling to be made known.

Homework Assignment
(1) Why do I resist working to forgive myself and my husband?
When I really face the reality of what I have done, it may cause me to have a nervous breakdown. It makes me angry that we even talk about this. I am NOT doing it, so you can forget it! Dear Lord, will you shut up about this? For crying out loud, will you get off my back and leave me alone? We have talked about forgiveness over and over and over. It ain’t happening!

If I forgive myself, I may just have a major breakthrough. I am NOT doing that in front of you! I am NOT accepting that this is my life. What if I do? What then? Will I find peace? Probably so, but I am NOT going to break on this. You are not going to get me to do that, so you might as well give up!

You want me to forgive Sam? Why can’t I do that? Because I may just learn to love him again and our marriage might be salvaged and turn out to be a wonderful relationship. I am too stubborn to admit that. Again, you are NOT going to get me to cry.

Are you getting a kick out of this? Listening to me say all that I am NOT going to do? You are probably laughing inside knowing that the reason I am fighting this so much is because I know that I need to do this??

(2) Why do I think I don’t deserve to get better? Why do I resist making positive statements about myself?
Because I did this to myself. If I make positive statements about myself, I may not be able to live up to them. People will look at me like, “You fool. You are not all that you think you are.”

Because this makes me angry to talk about. Why are you nagging me about this? I wish that you would move on from this. I am never going to feel that I DESERVE to be in therapy. Why am I even here? Because my family wants me to be here, that’s why!

I hate coming to therapy. I do not enjoy it, and I do not even know why I put myself through this week after week. Is it because I am nuts and I enjoy pain? Am I so desperate for someone to talk to that I will pick someone who drives me insane with all these stupid assignments?

Squiggle has nothing to offer anyone. I wish people would stop saying that I have some blasted story!! I don’t. I do not want to have a story!! I don’t want to be some kind of spokesperson for couples that are going through what we are going through. Just let us hide away in our own little world. We do not want to come out and be exposed. Go away!

Talk about what I deserve? I have no idea what I deserve. I do know one thing. I do not deserve to live in this lifestyle. What did I do to deserve this?? No one has any idea what this feels like. NO ONE!!!

Unless they have gone through this, they cannot know how I feel. I feel cheated. I feel like I am being punished. I feel that I have to do more than my fair share of what most women have to do for their husbands.
I bet you are sick to death of me whining about this, aren’t you? You have got to be rolling your eyes every time I talk about this same ole thing. I bet you and thinking, “Get over it, Susan. It is what it is. Stop wallowing in self pity.”

Deserve to get better? What in the (#@**) does that mean anyway? I am not sure that I deserve anything.

(3) Why do I find it difficult to stay focused on myself? Why do I try to shift the focus away from myself?
Because I am overweight and I do not like to draw ANY attention to myself. Because doing that is being selfish, isn’t it? I hate doing this. Have you figured that out yet?

Geez! I wish that we could move on to something else. This is wasting my time and yours. It is stirring up a lot of anger for me. Why? I have no idea. I am NOT going to focus on me so if that is why I am in therapy, I need to stop coming.

Can I just throw in here our discussion about our relationship? A bond? Trust? That is NOT happening. I am fighting as hard as I can. I am NOT going to go there. So does this mean I need to quit therapy? I am NOT allowing myself to have any kind of relationship with you. NO!!! I won’t go there!

Maybe that is why I cannot make eye contact? I don’t want to. That would mean that I ‘feel’ something for you. No, not in the sexual way. I mean, I feel a trust. I feel a bond. I feel a blasted relationship forming. Why would I allow that to happen? This is a one-sided relationship.

I mean absolutely nothing to you. I am just another client. Don’t you think I know that? When I am gone, so what? It won’t matter to you at all. You may even say, “Good riddance!”

Will it matter to me? If I form a relationship with you, it will. If I stay neutral and distant, it won’t matter that much to me at all. Do you have any idea how stupid clients feel when put in this situation? Talk about control. YOU have the control and power, so stop saying I am in control. That is not true at all.

Am I staying focused on me in this little conversation? I don’t know. Why? Because I don’t know much of anything anymore. Who wants to talk about themselves over and over and over? I sure don’t. That is stupid and ridiculous! Yes, I am rolling my eyes. Does that aggravate you? Are you frustrated? Are you angry with me? Are you going to cancel my appointments?

Double talk to myself: stating one thing but implying something else
(Double talk is in RED. I am saying one thing, but meaning something else)

(1) You are not going to break me, so stop trying. (Don’t give up on me)

(2) You are not going to make me cry. (Push me to my breaking point)

(3) Leave me alone! (Stay with me)

(4) I cannot stand therapy (I can’t stop it now)

(5) “The Empty Chair”. Are you kidding me? I am NOT doing that. There is no way you are going to get me to do that, so you might as well give up on that.

(7) “The Empty Chair”. Are you kidding me? I am NOT doing that. There is no way you are going to get me to do that, so you might as well give up on that. I AM NOT DOING IT!

I sure hope that I can get to the point that I can do that one day. Talking to a chair? Do you know why I can’t do that? Because I might fall apart, that’s why! I may actually have a breakthrough and forgive myself. Do I want you to see that? NO!! Am I stubborn? You got that right. I am NOT going to be vulnerable.

I probably need to do that more than I realize. I need to break through this stubbornness! It would probably be one of the best things I could do. BUT I AM NOT DOING IT! I sure hope that I can get to the point that I can do that one day. Talking to a chair? Do you know why I can’t do that? Because I might fall apart, that’s why! I may actually have a breakthrough and forgive myself. Do I want you to see that? NO!! Am I stubborn? You got that right. I am NOT going to be vulnerable.

(6) I am sick to death of these assignments (I need them because they are making me think about myself and my life. The more assignments you give me, the better I will be able to see myself in a different light. It will help me to face reality and learn to work on what I can change, and also to accept what I cannot change.)

(7) Therapy sucks and it is for the birds!!(Give me some bird seed because I may be in therapy for a long, long time)

This is amazing, Squiggle, especially the double talk section. I can't say how much you inspire me.

I agree that your therapist WILL see this as progress.

OMG! I have no recollection of posting my homework assignment. I see that I did that at 2:20am!! I must have been having a 'moment' or fit of anger or some explosion of emotions!!

Now I ponder whether or not to have that post deleted? Geez! That was not suppose to happen. I was shocked when I just realized what I have posted for you all to see. What in the world was I thinking?

On the other hand, there is nothing in that homework assignment that is not true. Every word of it is how I feel. I did see where I made a mistake and used our 'real' names at one point. Oops!

I sent that homework assignment to my therapist this morning. You may think she will be totally offended or that I disrespected her. NOT!! She will email me back and praise me for being so honest with my feelings. I am sure that somewhere in her response she will say, "Awesome job! Keep up the good work! Keep sending the emails."

Anyway, I am totally embarrassed that I posted this! Then again, its not like you haven't read stuff like this from me before. I think I do have a reputation for being honest. Is it hurting me or helping me? Is it offending others? Is it helping others? Do I need to tone it down? I will have to think on this......

Squiggle.............. ((((((((((((((((((( squiggle )))))))))))))))))

my T suggested an empty chair exercise too, and when i told her I could not possibly, ever, allow myself to be that vulnerable in her presence, she said, oh no! - you don't have to do it here. I don't push people; you can do it at home. And then, if you wanted to tell me about it, that would be great too"

I did... and it helped me a lot... I have several more to do, I know that, but I am glad I got as far as I did.

maybe you could try that? Just by yourself?

Squiggle, I can only speak for me, but it's not offending me at all. If this is who you are, then, imo, no need to tone it down but that's, of course, your decision. In the months before I joined, your honesty and authenticity in your posts helped me a lot - made me think and question - made me not feel alone in my struggles in therapy. Anyway... just my 0.02.

squiggle, I simply love you, do you know that! You are important and valuable and helpful to me.....you are so raw, so honest, so open.....I am sure it really does help you to post these things, and it helps me to see how you work through them.
However, did you take an Ambien last night, per chance, and then did this in your sleep!?!?! If you really don't recollect posting it, that kind of concerns me.....

When I was reading your homework assignment (good job BTW) I was wondering if you were being stubborn because you are afraid of changing anything?

I actually did! And, YES, I wondered if I had done that in a semi-conscious state! I noticed some typos and things that I would have corrected if I were in my right mind.

Sam told me I did some other things last night and I totally did not believe him. They were not bad things, but kinda weird that I do not recall anything he said that I did.

It had to do with "wifely duties" if you know what I mean! I thought he was just having wishful thinking!

Yes ma'am. I am terrified of the unknown. My therapist tells me in order for me to heal, I must be willing to change old patterns that I am familiar with (that are not working) and be open to experiencing changes and new ways of thinking. I am fighting that big time.

Why? Because of fear!!!

I went back through some emails to find the last email my therapist sent to me. Just to see what she said about another (raw honest) email I sent to her (before this one). This is part of her response to that one:

"No I will not terminate you, get mad at you, or anything else. At some point you will realize this is what you are suppose to do. Get to the heart of the issue and FEEL!"

One of these days I am going to believe her! I am not sure why I don't already. She has never, ever scolded me for any email that I sent to her. No matter how 'ugly' they were.

You were a lurker? I think there are a lot of them on here. I am glad that you came out and joined us. I hope that you are seeing that it is safe to express yourself in here. Glad to know that someone was reading my posts. I often wonder why there are so many views, but so few replies.

Maybe lurkers can just hit the 'thank you' button? That way we can see just how many lurkers there are in here. I guess it doesn't matter. Just curious. Thinking back, I was a lurker for a long time!

This sounds like a good place to start then. How about starting small? Change one small thing and then notice how you are okay?

Part of my homework assignment this week is to NOT put negative comments in my emails to her. Ones that indicate things like, "I hope this doesn't offend you or make you mad" or "Are you going to terminate me after reading this?"

She that is a pattern that I have gotten in to. I keep telling myself it is not okay to be open and honest about my feelings, if those feelings show anger. That habit is going to be hard to break, but I am determined to break it!

That sounds like a challenging, yet amazing assignment.

I broke a pattern!! As some of you know, my marriage is not what I would call a marriage at all. I am the caregiver and he is the patient. Trying to restore this into what a marriage should be has been a challenge. My therapist has been trying to help learn to forgive myself and my spouse for the things we have done to hurt each other over the years. Not intentionally, but we have hurt each other.

Well, we made up! Yes, that sounds sappy, but we reconnected this week. It is a miracle!! I mean that. For some reason the boundaries are coming down. I am allowing him back into my life as a husband, not as a patient. I can see him as a man, not just as a quadriplegic.

This makes me cry to tell you this. My therapist has worked for a year to get me to this place. I sent her an email tonight to tell her what's going on. I wrote in the email, "I hope this makes you smile. It better! You have been nagging me for a year to get to this place!! I hope that you are happy!"

Yes, that does sound sarcastic, but she knows my personality. She will be overjoyed when she reads the email. Like my signature reads, "Therapy sucks and it is for the birds!!" But you know what? If you stay with it, and do the work, you can be successful and reach your goals! Thank God healing is on its way!

I feel like I have been through a horrific battle. I have been knocked down, beat up, slapped around, and felt like a bloody mess! But I am binding up my wounds, getting off my tail, and claiming a victory here! I am not totally 100% there, but I am miles away from what I was when I started.

I'm so happy for you Squiggle! that's awesome!

Thanks for saying this, Squiggle. I REALLY needed to hear this today.

[quote=Squiggle328;1889983]I broke a pattern!! As some of you know, my marriage is not what I would call a marriage at all. I am the caregiver and he is the patient. Trying to restore this into what a marriage should be has been a challenge. My therapist has been trying to help learn to forgive myself and my spouse for the things we have done to hurt each other over the years. Not intentionally, but we have hurt each other.

Well, we made up! Yes, that sounds sappy, but we reconnected this week. It is a miracle!! I mean that. For some reason the boundaries are coming down. I am allowing him back into my life as a husband, not as a patient. I can see him as a man, not just as a quadriplegic.[quote]

This is kinda off topic but..........I wrote to the Dr. Phil show to see if they might be interested in doing a show about the struggles of those who are taking care of disabled spouses and how that takes a toll on their marriages. I shared this with my husband this morning. He was like, "You really did that?"

He laughed and said, "I sent in a letter last week to ask if they would be interested in talking about the struggles caregivers go through!"

Well, that was odd! Neither of us have ever talked about emailing Dr. Phil, yet we both end up doing that within the same week??

Some of you may remember that a few months ago, the local news wanted to do a story on us. I chickened out because I was worried that it may affect my job in a negative way.

Who knows? You guys may see me on the Dr. Phil show one day! Then my true identity would be revealed!

**I wonder why the quote box is not showing up? I noticed this on some other posts. What is up with that?**

Wow, Squiggle. Making up with husband like that is amazing!! I am very happy for you!!!

Things are still going very well. This is the strangest thing. While I was lying in bed with him tonight (we never do that because he in a twin sized hospital bed and we can't fit on that very well) I asked him if he thought we would be doing this a month ago.

Of course, his answer was no. We then talked about what happened to get us to this point of opening up to one another. Neither of us could come up with the answer. I wish I knew. I would share this with every one I know that is struggling with their relationship with their spouse.

I am not sure what I am going to tell my therapist on Tuesday. If I just walk in there and say that my husband and I are doing well, that would be boring and session would be over with in 5 minutes. But if I go into too much detail, she may think that is TMI!

I want to tell her everything because she has worked very hard to get me to this point. I know she will be okay with that, but for some reason, I am a bit shy about telling her. Go figure that one! I have told her just about every personal thing I can think of about me. And now when I finally have a breakthrough, I am saying that is too embarrassing to share with her??

I am glad that things are going so well for you right now Squiggle.

WOW Squiggle, this is such great news! I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My therapist has been telling me for a year, that if I did not have so much anger directed at my husband, the daily responsibilities of taking care of him would not be so overwhelming and hard on me.

I told her she didn't know what she was talking about! I said that it would not matter one bit how I felt about my husband. That doing what I have to do for him would be emotionally and physically draining even if I was in a lovey dovey relationship.

My attitude affects how I feel. My feelings affect my emotions. My emotions can dictate how my body and mind react to stress. So, if my attitude is more of compassion (and not hatred) toward my husband, taking care of him will seem more of an act of kindess and love, and not of resentment and entrapment.

We have had some rocky roads to travel on in our marriage, but then everyone does, don't they? I can't go off into fairyland and think that just because we are having a few good weeks that my life will miraculously change and I will be dancing around his room taking care of his personal (messy) needs. That would just put me right back into being a mental nut case.

What I can do is embrace this period of time where I do not feel so much anger toward him because I feel stuck in this life. I can take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.

You know what? In life we all have our struggles. We all have issues that need to be worked on. Not everyone faces the same trials, but we all have to get through them the same way. We first have to accept (the best we can), that whatever is going on, is not going to magically disappear if we close our eyes and try to sleep it away. I tried and it didn't work!

Then we have to make a plan as to how we are going to handle it. We can't just hide away in a closet and cry in a pillow thinking that when we come out, our lives will be completely changed into what we often dream they will be. Yes, I have done this also.

And, we can't take the anger and frustration out on ourselves or our families. We have to work every minute of every day to keep our emotions in check. I have taken my anger out on myself (SI) and my family many times. I have screamed at them and wanted to run away. Get in my car and drive as far away from this as I can. But, I can't.

I have no idea where this is going. But I do know that forgivenvess is healing. I hate admitting that. I have argued with my therapist over and over and over about this. Many times I thought she was a quack to be telling me that if I learn to forgive myself and others, I will find that my life will become easier for me to handle.

Just having the tension broken around here (in my home) makes me feel like I have lost 100 pounds! Of course, I haven't, but I don't feel like I am suffocating under the pressure. We still have terrible, horrible days. I still have to do things that I don't like to do for him. But, I am doing them and not feeling so much anger when I am.

I don't know if this is a temporary phase of insanity that I am in because I snapped under the pressure, or if true healing and forgiveness is really taking place. All I can do is go along for the ride and hope that I won't be going in circles. I hope that I have jumped track and I am headed in a totally different direction. Looking at the future with hope, instead of fear.

I think you are doing great work! Doing something out of love sure as heck beats doing something because you have to and feeling anger at the same time. Our connections to others is what makes life worth living......

Maybe you never allowed yourself to process your feelings to what happened to your husband and then what you had to do?

Well, guess what? My therapist has given me an assignment. Guess what it is??? "Why do I fight acceptance and forgiveness?" Thank God she is not harping on that stupid forgiveness thing anymore. HA!! She will not give me a break.

I cannot answer something that I don't know much about!! I don't understand this forgiveness crap at all. What exactly am I forgiving myself for??

Why is she staying on this topic? Am I really stuck in this phase of unforgiveness with myself?? I need some HELP!! We may end up talking about this for years if I cannot figure this out. I want to move on, but I don't know how!

You may as well put trigonometry in front of me and ask me to solve it. It ain't happenin' because I don't know how to do it! I don't understand it. This is actually hurting my brain! It also makes me really angry. I feel like I am expected to do something that I can't do.

Leave me alone!! That is what I want to tell her. Is that the voice of my inner child? Am I being stubborn and belligerant? No! I am just getting tired of being expected to work on things that I don't understand and I don't know how to do. I feel like a failure when it comes to this assignment. I just can't seem to pass this test!

Have you asked your T for tips or techniques to try to answer this question? I believe that by continually going after a problem by analysis will have us spinning our wheels.

My T is having me do exercises that hope to bypass my analytical brain and you know what- it's working. I've gained some insights by opening up my self-exploration by other means than constantly 'thinking' about them.

Is that what your T wants you to do - just keep 'thinking' about it? Or does has she suggested some other ways to approach the problem?