Not sure I can get through this

I'm sorry I haven't been here lately. I'm kind of scrambling trying to figure out how to get through life without going under.

I really don't know how I am going to get through what we're doing in therapy. Like, really. I don't know if I CAN get through it. And it feels so big and intolerable...the feelings feel way way way bigger than me. I feel like i am so small and there's no way t can see how big it all feels.

Session today was excruciating. I can only remember it in snippets right now, but what I think I DO remember is that I was just LOST in the big feelings and we still haven't said one word about what is behind the feelings. I don't know if I will ever be able to open my mouth and talk about it, and that makes it feel like I'll be stuck feeling like this forever and ever and ever and ever.

I know there is no way T is going to push me on this, and I trust him and I don't really want him to. I just want to get to the other side of it, and I know T wants to keep me safe, and it is like the teeniest tiniest baby steps.

The only good thing that happened today is that I opened my mouth at one point and told him "THIS is how I feel when I need to use a bad coping skill". All I could feel was my heart POUNDING and I couldn't feel the rest of my body. It was just my emotions and my heart. I knew a bad coping skill would make that feeling change into something else. T helped me through it. He had me sit up and he talked me through some breathing and some other grounding things that he learned a few weekends ago and it did make the feeling go away. It feels like if I can remember what we did in session, maybe I can use that outside of session.

I honestly don't know how long I can go on like this. It's like there is this shell of me that is fine - living my life, calling my friends, taking care of my boys - and that shell is FILLED with this awful, horrible, shameful, icky, undeserving person who has way way too many feelings. And I spiral out judging myself for my feelings, feeling worse, judging myself more, on and on and on.

It feels like there is no hope. I keep scrambling, looking for hope, clinging to whatever hope I see, but I think I am just fooling myself. It's like I'm at the bottom of a pit I'll never get out of, and I hate myself for it.

tree, I feel the same way about my therapy. I don't know if I can get through it. I feel stuck with my same pattern, and feel ashamed of myself. Though our stories are different, my feelings are like yours!

We just have to keep going, keep moving, one step at a time, forward, backward, eventually through it all. You're strong; you can do it. I know you can! I know how it feels to be stuck but you'll get out of it. I can't offer more now but lots of hugs!!!

((((( Tree )))))

I am so thankful that you are you....and that your T is so wonderful, to take things at your pace. I can relate to your awful feelings - and that shell. YES!! Being one way on the outside, storing all the awfulness within....judging myself and then getting angry for judging myself, and then judging myself again....blech.

You have accomplished so much. And you know what it feels like to be on the other side with certain things...Try to give yourself the space, time, care, compassion that you need. Easier said than done, I know....((( HUGS )))

(((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))) I am sorry it is so awful. Even saying those words, meant so gently, seems like a trivialization but not so; it's just that some things are pretty much too deep for words.

You have been through so much already; can you remember when you were just approaching those deeps? They seemed bottomless, limitless, endless, and yet you positively triumphed over them and came out the other side, shining like the sun. You learned not to blame yourself; you learned that you are alive and that life is sweet; you learned so much, and have given so much of it to help others.

Your T is awesome - a word I never use, but it fits him - can you lean on him to help you through? He is doing it. You are not icky in the least, or any of those other things; one day you too will know it. many gentle, respectful hugs to you, dear friend

((((Treehouse))))

It sounds like we had the same session today.

The only good thing that happened today is that I opened my mouth at one point and told him "THIS is how I feel when I need to use a bad coping skill".

I can totally relate to everything you have said, particularly this. We may have different issues going on but my feelings are also too big, too unmanagable for me to understand or express. I dont know if i can find the strength to get through it either. Or whether I even WANT to get through it, even with Ts help.

What I am trying tell myself is that the only thing I can do right now is to try and hang to T and let him drag me through this hole- he is carrying all my weight right now, and to hope that this is enough to get ME through it. I know you have a great relationship with your T- let him be there as much as you need him to be.

Sorry I don't have anything helpful to say, but know that you are not alone with this. I'm sorry things are so bad

So there are 2 things going on, 1) your stockpile of feelings are coming out and 2) you think you are bad for having these feelings. #1 will be easier if you can work on #2 and come to the understanding that you are not bad for having these feelings. What messages do you think you got growing up about having feelings?

Tree, please just stay safe and i am going to send you tons and tons of safe hugs

I believe you will get through this, you are strong! you have courage, T will help you...

has he left you your vm yet?? he always knows the right thing to say to you...

and here's to more hope for Tree!

ps and here is too being brave even when we don't believe it ourselves!

tree, I have so little to offer today, but I want to tell you there is still hope and you ARE SOOOOOOO deserving of good things and good things will come to you!

I grew up in an alcoholic, abusive home.

We didn't have feelings. Any feelings I had were apparently pushed off into dissociated parts of myself.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. It is hard and horrid and nasty sometimes....and I don't have any words for you.

But I care, and it matters to me how you are and I read your posts even if I don't always have the words to reply. If I had magic words I would use them, but I know I don't have any words that will help fill the deep horrid hole with some goodness. I'm sorry about that, if I could, I would.

Hope can feel so so elusive, sometimes I feel it is more horrid to have glimmer of hope than none at all. But, maybe, hope can grow...

(((tree))) You will get through this. I know you can do it. You have done many wonderful and awesome things

This sounds like one of those sessions that can be talked about next time and that there is so much there to work with. Can you trust for now that this part of the process is valuable and that you are super courageous for going to your sessions?

T called and left me my voice mail. 2 actually, because it was sooooooo long. I love that he does that for me, but I hate that it didn't help very much today.

He did say that today was important because I "invited him in to the big feelings with me". I'm not even sure exactly what he means.

I remembered when he said that that at one point in session I asked him if he could come and sit with me but leave part of himself in his chair. He asked which part I wanted him to leave in the chair. What I wanted was for him to leave grown up him in the chair and let little him come over (T doesn't have DID or anything like that...I think my own little parts were speaking up). I didn't say that though, I said I wanted him to leave Analytical T over there and bring Nice T over here. He said that he didn't want to do that. I said to just please come over, and he did and he said on his way over, "I am bringing all of me over because all the parts of me are okay and all the parts of you are okay". Something about it struck me and I kind of stared at him, and he said down and looked at me and said it again, slowly: "all the parts of me are okay and all the parts of you are okay".

I did use a bad coping skill tonight Even as slow as we are going, it feels like too much. I'm scared I'm going to end up in the hospital, but I know T is being so careful (or as he says, care-full) with me.

I tried to focus on now and found ways to laugh with my boys and H tonight but now everyone is in bed and I am alone with me. I know I'm only kind of half-here, because my hands don't look like mine and I can't feel my feet. But really, half-here is maybe okay right now. My brain learned to dissociate for a reason when I was little. Maybe there is some wisdom in it and I should just let it be for now.

I want so much to have it be different. Or to learn to accept it and move on. This place right here is just stupid.

It's nice that your therapist sat with you.

I'm in a stupid place too. Please be safe.

(((((((((Tree))))))))) I don't really have any words for you. I think you are so strong, and you will get through this all someday. Just small, baby steps for now. And I know you have a wonderful T, so in that sense, you are very lucky. Just keep doing what you are doing. I know it seems overwhelming Big hugs your way.

I think the fact that you're writing here and articulating and understanding yourself so well is a humungous step in the right direction. What else can you do to be better now? Can you sleep?

Part of my crappy self-care when I get into these places is not sleeping. I get so tired but I don't go to bed. Partly because bed can be triggering, partly because when I DO go to bed it is SO LOUD in my head that I can't sleep and it feels scary and overwhelming and frustrating and partly because I just start to fail at taking care of myself.

I do love it when I can sleep though, because if I don't have bad dreams that wake me up, I LOVE the moment in the morning when I first wake up before things come rushing back into my head. I love days when that moment lasts for more than a moment. I love that yesterday is OVER.

I just downloaded a book. Sometimes reading helps. Maybe I will read.

just got on to see if you are doing OK.
as we say in my family, "I love you goodnight" (((((((tree)))))))

I hope you have a good sleep Tree. Think I better go to bed too

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry I just saw your post now. I hope that you are able to use good self care tonight. I hope you are able to sleep. I think your T meant that he was glad that you shared how you were feeling with him, instead of just pushing it away. I think that is what he meant by bringing him in. That you were able to share with him and ask him for what you needed. I agree with him that all of your parts are okay. You are okay.

I know this is hard, but you can get through it. Can you apply any of the grounding skills you used in T? The ones you mentioned in the earlier post?

I hope you are feeling better soon.

See? This is my problem. I could have scrolled back and read what I wrote, but I didn't, and I had already forgotten the skills we used in session.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo. I should get "GROUNDING SKILLS" on the inside of my arm. Or maybe, "BREATHE".

Today is today. I want it to be better.

((((((treehouse)))))) who is amazing.

(((tree))) Sorry I didn't read this till this morning...I have been really sucky about reading posts lately...in a funk. Anyhow I hope you found some sleep and really hope you had those few morning minutes where things were ok.
I admire your strength to not give up and keep pushing forward through all of this. You are not wimpy (like me) and you have such promise. I know it's hard for you to see, but just in the little time I have known you you have grown so much. I really look up to you, even when your coping skills are off. Keep on truckin Tree...you can do this, I know you can!

(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))))

It's okay to need a reminder. We all do sometimes. Especially when we are feeling overwhelmed. Do you think in the future you can write down the grounding skills you are using when you are in session, or right after. Then they will be easier to use because you will have them written down to look at. (not that we all remember even when we have them written down.) I have a whole list of my biggest grounding skills taped to my wall by my bed. That way when I start myself sliding (and I remember) I can just go look at it. I don't have to try to remember what they are, just remember that I have a list of them.

I hope that today is better.

I am literally going to stand up and go get pen and paper and start a list of coping skills. I may just hang it on the fridge. I'm teaching my middle child with Aspergers about black and white thinking (wow, is he a black and white thinker), and good coping skills are probably a good lesson for everyone.

For me, sometimes just forcing myself to take an action helps move me forward a little tiny bit. I need need need need to move forward.

T left me a message this morning and reminded me about something we used to do. I would try to believe 1 out of 10 times that "x" is true. So he wants me to believe 1 out of 10 times this weekend that I am okay and my feelings are okay.

The fact that T can't help me feel better right now is scary to me. Although the fact that PC is helping me feel better is really really good. I guess that is my middle place for now. T is trying and it's not working, PC is trying and it is working, and that makes me feel lucky and grateful. Maybe that is the shift. Being able to feel lucky and grateful on top of all of this other stuff.

I need a shift.

sounds like a good way to cope tree, just making yourself a list of ways to cope! I need to do that, too.....
you will make it and be OK!