[rainbow8]

I posted in the Dear T thread but realized I wanted responses. Since the session with my H, I'm feeling sexual stuff for my T. During the session, I didn't realize how much I compare her to him, and unfortunately, I feel more for my T. I remember looking into her eyes and seeing the compassion she has for me. She gives me much more than my H does--emotionally and physically. It's always been that way in therapy and I've always known it, but I don't always feel it so vividly.

I want to feel that way towards my H and his going to my session with me may be a step in the right direction, but I'm not sure. We want to stay together--it's been so many years, but I get my needs met in therapy, not at home, pathetic as that sounds.

I feel like I "use" my Ts in this way but at least I've been honest with them about it. I know it's more about intimacy than sex but the good feelings get all mixed up in my mind. I "love" my T for being the person she is, and I feel so connected to her. I'm doing work on different issues and I'm happy about that. I know it's partly child needs and partly adult needs I get from her. I know if my H isn't meeting my needs, it's natural that I want my T to meet them. I know transference plays a part in this too. But it's my T's eyes I'm looking into. I don't know how she's going to help me with this. My H just accepts our marriage as it is; he's content, but I'm not!

[Perna]

Theoretically, one learns from/in T sessions how to "be" in other parts of our life and with other people so we can make those interactions rewarding too.

I was pretty balanced between my T being helpful and my DH being part of that team; I would tell one about the other and often had my T excitedly saying, "Can I use that too!" when I'd tell her ways my DH responded to me that helped me (I have trouble talking sometimes and my husband use to have to say, "I don't hear any nouns!" because I'd be going on and on and he'd have no idea what I was talking about).

In my dreams, I could dream about either my husband or my T and that meant that whatever issue the dream was addressing, it was "safe" for me to look at/start working on, no matter how scary it might seem.

I had sexual thoughts and dreams about my T but realized they were about me, not about the relationship really. T's make a handy ricochet mirror so we can better see inside ourselves and work there, kind of like the mirror on a reflector telescope. Your husband can't make you happy; that's not his job and I think it is sort of related to how you have viewed/worked with your T's in the past (they can't give you what you want either). I think it is good that you brought your husband in though and have more of "you" in there (because you have included the marriage/your husband, are not just wholly focused on thinking your T can solve/be everything anymore). I hope you and T can figure out how to keep moving you forward.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, Perna. I kind of feel I'm at rock bottom now. I see love in my T's eyes and I know it's all right to accept that, but only as far as we can both use that love to help me in my "real life." It hurts me worse than ever to know that I have to live in my RL with my H, family, and friends, and not with my T. I've always known that, of course, but never felt it as much as I feel it now. It feels like my heart has broken, and now I have to pick up all the pieces and start over. I don't know if it's worth it or not. It's easier to stay the same but the part of me who knows better is reaching out with tears and saying "you can make it better, you can". She wants to hold T's hand and work on things together, though.

[skysblue]

Rainbow, it is such a powerful experience having the opportunity to share our most intimate thoughts and feelings with somebody. I think about therapy a lot and anxiously await the next session. It is an addictive feeling being so attended to.

But I also know that my T couldn't be my friend. I know that I would not want to be confronted with her issues. I know I wouldn't want to learn that she had some values that are different than mine. I know I wouldn't want to confront the fact that she wouldn't always focus on my needs instead of hers. Making our T's our friends would mean that we would have to see her own weaknesses and challenges. It would mean that we would have to sacrifice our self-inquiry in order to be attentive to her needs. We would probably be shocked and dismayed at the extent of our T's own problems.

I know this because I have a friend who is a T and an aunt who is a T. I can't tell you how much I have to help them with their issues. They struggle with anxiety and abandonment issues. They are wonderful therapists and can help their clients a lot. But, they have their own needs and it isn't always easy to be with them because they 'know' so much, they are reluctant to get another point of view.

What I'm saying is that your perception of your T is real but it's not complete. It is still in the realm of fantasy. I understand about your H not fulfilling your needs. I have the same situation. But now, I realize he can never fulfill my needs and I look inside myself where else I can do that. I try to engage in different activities and hang out with different friends to find some fulfillment.

But, the bottom line is that nobody except our T, while in session, will ever give us that kind of focused attention and concern. Let us value their help and cherish it and use it but I think it's a huge mistake to think we can transfer such a relationship into RL. That is completely unrealistic in my opinion.

[WePow]

Rainbow, it can be hard for people to learn that it is OK to feel emotions of love and even lust towards other humans. We are trained by society that we are "bad" if we feel these normal and healthy emotions. That creates shame. Shame creates pain.

The truth is that feelings are not actions. One can totally enjoy the close emotional contact of a friend or even a T without it leading to boundary crossing. For example, I totally enjoy the one hour I get to spend with my T. I tease him sometimes because I say "Na na na noo noo , I'm allowed to say I love you!" :-)

My opinion is to enjoy these good emotions. Feel through them and go with them in a natural way. Allow yourself to just accept feeling whatever you happen to feel for your T. It will be different than what you will feel for your H or for any other human.

The human heart is a wonderful thing. It may occupy a small space, but the space inside is infinite.

You have PLENTY of room to love as many people as you want!!!

[skysblue]

I so agree with WePow. I know I love my T and I enjoy every session (well, to the degree one can 'enjoy' some deep painful work). I count on her to provide what she does best. I'm very attached to my twice weekly sessions (trying to cut back to once a week because the cost is killing me)

I'm not resisting the feelings I have for her but I know they are for that one place only - at her office. But I guess the same could be said about others whom we love and cherish - maybe we see them only occasionally meeting for hikes in the forest or whatever.

And each person in our lives offers something different and wonderful. We must try hard not to compare.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know transference plays a part in this too. But it's my T's eyes I'm looking into. I don't know how she's going to help me with this.

We're in a similar place, rainbow8.

[with or without you]

This probably not helpful, but have you thought of seeing another T for couples therapy? Or is that not an option? I wouldn't like my T knowing what my significant other thought of me and I wouldn't want her to see how I interacted around him. I've never been married, but only one person being content in the marriage is pretty heavy stuff. I hope you guys work things out

[granite1]

know i care rain i just cant reaspond right now but will when i can

[rainbow8]

skysblue, thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with me. Yes, I know my T can't be my friend or anything else but my T and that it wouldn't be the same if I had to pay attention to "her" stuff. I know it's fantasy but I like the fantasy. As far as my marriage, I've gotten a lot of my needs met elsewhere for over 35 years and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to connect more with my H the way I think a H and wife are supposed to connect. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

WePow, it sound so good the way you put it! I'm still afraid to tell my T directly that I love her; those words get stuck in my throat. I wish I could. I never felt so close to any of my other Ts before and I'm not used to telling friends that I love them. It's scary for me!! It makes me cry to think that it's really okay to love my T. It makes me feel small and vulnerable.

skysblue, I don't think my feelings for my T are only for her office. They're inside of me wherever I am. I know she thinks of me sometimes when I'm not in the office too. But I know what you mean. Therapy is a limited relationship. I hate that! My T lets me email her an interesting article I find, or photos of my kids. That's not crossing boundaries to her. She wants to be a real person to me because she IS a real person.

rainbow_rose, it's hard, isn't it?

wowy, no it's not an option to see another T. My T is comfortable seeing us together once in a while, or as often as I like. I wish I could see her once/week and see her another time with my H, but he doesn't want me to do that. I think I might get too dependent on her if I saw her 2x/week, anyway. About marriage. We've kind of settled into a comfortable life; it's not so bad, but I feel cheated and wish it could be different.

granite, I know you care.

[rainbow8]

I just emailed my T a very honest email that combined most of what I've been posting today. I just couldn't keep those feelings from her until my session. It's Wednesday this week, not Tuesday.

I feel drained, but not ashamed. I told her I had to let the feelings out and not keep them trapped inside of me. I asked her to hold my hand and help me pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and then I will put them away and work on reality. I said I want her to help me love my H and that I don't want to escape with Ts anymore.

I told her about feeling so good when I look into her eyes, and loving her, that I know it doesn't have to be either/or--my H or her.

I didn't ever know this therapy was going to turn out like it has. Nothing is on the surface; it's all really deep feelings that turn my insides inside out! I think this is the kind of therapy I always needed/wanted. I have to allow myself to love and feel all the feelings I do for my T, and then be able to move on. It hurts but in a sort of healing way--I think.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( Rainbow )))))

How excruciatingly painful.....You are doing the really hard work, and I soooo admire that. I can relate to having similar painful feelings, although I believe I am in denial about them....Wish I had someone in my life that I could try to redirect those feelings to...

[rainbow_rose]

rainbow8:

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

As always, I admire your ability to be so honest with your t about your thoughts and feelings! That shows a great deal of trust! I know you struggle mightily with some of your feelings, and i wish i could take away the "angst" you feel! But i also think that you making very good progress at the same time. I "see" you growing and changing before my very "eyes," just from some of the things you've said in your threads. I'm so glad you have an accepting, kind t who encourages you to express yourself and provides comfort, while also nudging you along toward healing! I hope you have a really good session this week!

[WePow]

Great job !!!!!

[rainbow8]

MUE, thank you! I feel lighter now, getting it out, even though it's via email. I have to tell her in the session, and that's when I start squirming and hiding!

rainbow_rose, thank you!

peaches, thanks. Yes, I trust my T more than I trusted any of my other Ts. She's different. She's WITH me, not up on some pedestal. She goes the extra mile for me.

WePow, your encouragement helped me a lot! Thanks very much.

[Sannah]

Yes, work on your RL, this is how you will get that life that you want!

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Sannah. I know I have to work on my RL, but it's also important that I could tell my T how the last session with my H affected me, and what I realized. It's all right to love her AND I have to work on the love in my marriage.

[Sannah]

Of course! Your work with your therapist is what will help you to make the changes in your RL.

[rainbow_rose]

thanks for this thread, rainbow8.

[geez]

Rainbow thanks so much for posting this thread. I too am experiencing/going through many of the same feelings. In my appt today I just laid on the couch and soaked in the comfort and said nothing of my feelings about T. I'm going to address them in my next appt.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I posted in the Dear T thread but realized I wanted responses. Since the session with my H, I'm feeling sexual stuff for my T. During the session, I didn't realize how much I compare her to him, and unfortunately, I feel more for my T. I remember looking into her eyes and seeing the compassion she has for me. She gives me much more than my H does--emotionally and physically. It's always been that way in therapy and I've always known it, but I don't always feel it so vividly.

I want to feel that way towards my H and his going to my session with me may be a step in the right direction, but I'm not sure. We want to stay together--it's been so many years, but I get my needs met in therapy, not at home, pathetic as that sounds.

I feel like I "use" my Ts in this way but at least I've been honest with them about it. I know it's more about intimacy than sex but the good feelings get all mixed up in my mind. I "love" my T for being the person she is, and I feel so connected to her. I'm doing work on different issues and I'm happy about that. I know it's partly child needs and partly adult needs I get from her. I know if my H isn't meeting my needs, it's natural that I want my T to meet them. I know transference plays a part in this too. But it's my T's eyes I'm looking into. I don't know how she's going to help me with this. My H just accepts our marriage as it is; he's content, but I'm not!

Rainbow,
I think you are right on when you say it is more about the intimacy than it is the sex. Both are a very primal human need. A "hard wired" part of being human. It is very understandable that these big feelings and thoughts get intertwined in your head. I am glad you are able to express this to your t. I know this is incredibly difficult for you to do.

I am also wondering what would it do for you if your t would just flat out tell you she loves you? I am sure that she does. It is quite obvious by the amount of time that she spends with you and what she says and does for you. Think about it, how do kids know they are loved? Not by being told, they know it by their parents spending time with them and meeting their needs. That's how I came to the conclusion with my t. He spends time on the phone with me, he doesn't rush me, he writes me letters when he is going on vacation, all those special things that t's do are really an act of love. I mean this in a funny camrodoire sense by all means, do you think your t or my t would be with us still simply because of the money? I don't think so, we both are too much work! Would they still stick by us if we were only a 50 min session in their week? Naw..........they connected on a very primal human personal level just as we have to them.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Rainbow8,

I can really understand your feelings of sadness that the theraputic relationship is so limited. The theraputic relationship is really one of the most complicated relationships in life. It's like feeling so incredibly close to someone one minute, but that they are completely out of reach the next and those 2 opposing feelings are in conflict a lot of the time.
I think perhaps a lot of the feelings you have for your T come from the Little Rainbow8 inside of you, who craves that unconditional positive attention that she gets from her T in the way she would from a parent.
I don't think your H will ever be able to fulfill that same need as you get from your T, just like a friend may not be able to fulfill the needs you get from your husband - these people all play their own important but very separate roles in your life. Being honest about your feelings with your therapist should help but perhaps trying your hardest to focus on other issues aside from your feelings for your T directly may be of more use to you. I can see how much you are hurting when you think of what your relationship with T can not be and perhaps even though them feelings will continue, you need to focus on other important issues. You could start thinking about what you do want from your marriage and how you would want to change things and what you feel could be done to make it better?
I know this is not going to stop the pain but sometimes going over the same painful issue which cannot be changed just breaks your heart more and makes it harder to get something positive from the theraputic relationship.

*****HUGE HUGS!******* XXXXXXXXXX