It's Embarrassing

I'm sure I'm the dumbest client my T has ever had. She has to repeat herself constantly those lessons I'm trying to learn. Although I think I have a good handle on what exactly is the cause of my issues and could write up a very clear and coherent 'case study', I just can't seem to get my emotions lined up correctly. It's so da*n frustrating and embarrassing to 'know' it all so well but to not be able to make the internal changes necessary.

Needing/wanting things repeated is not dumb. It is a way in which we learn. Particularly since (and I think you are like me on this - I hope that does not offend you) people who are very rational have a hard time making sense of emotion because it is so illogical. It does not fit into the ways I have to make sense out of things. So anything having to do with emotion needs to be repeated (and sometimes put in different forms) for me to come close to knowing what is going on.

Perhaps your T makes the mistake of always using the same words. One of the strengths of group therapy (and also of PC) is that you will hear the same thing said in many different ways.

Also, your T (almost certainly) can't tell you how it was for her, so you don't get any peer-to-peer communication either.

What has your T been saying that you haven't been able to take on board?

I so get this skysblue. I have to hear the same things over and over. My T said that certain lessons were learned before we even had words to go with them and therefore they FEEL completely true and just part of our reality. But, they were lessons that were dysfunctional, and are not true. And then there were the dysfunctional lessons that were just hammered into us over and over. Therefore, we need to hear the truth, a new version of reality, over and over to counter-act those old messages. He says that it is normal to "know" something, but still not be able to "feel" it is true and/or act upon it.

Thinks: it's like affirmations. The subconscious believes whatever it is told most often.

That's exactly the role of therapy, to talk about things as many times and we need to and want to. There is no timeline, there is no 'one way' or perfect way to do therapy.

There is instruction manual.

You're doing fine

We make changes when we are ready. It's a process that allows that to happen and it takes whatever it takes.

You are so judgmental and punishing toward yourself.

Yep...my T wants me to think about this stuff constantly, that I have to fight the feelings and obsessions all the time. I know she's right and I'm going to be really worn out from all this, but the process will be worth it.

There is a step in between knowing it very well and making changes. That is where letting the feelings out comes in. Until you have done this you won't be able to problem solve. Once you do this step the problem solving will fall into place.

I can relate, skysblue. I'm so embarrassed about my pattern and how it repeats and repeats like a broken record. Ts have talked about it for years but I still don't "get it" and I still need to hear what's wrong with me over and over. I still don't know how to change, either.

I guess I keep reverting to using the wrong tool to get the job done. I'm trying to use analytical thinking to 'understand' and change emotions. Maybe I need to stop trying to figure it out (for awhile) and just leap in and let those emotions be felt in all their fullness. Maybe I need to put 'thinking' on the back burner and let myself feel all the rage, fear, shame, and guilt that resides inside. Maybe I shouldn't hold back.

But, I worry that I'm inflaming emotions by doing that instead of managing them. It makes no sense to add fuel to the fire.

Also, impatience is a factor. I think that if I study it hard enough and think deeply enough, I can force it. But I must keep remembering that even the mighty oak tree was first a seed and needed time to become what it is.

And shame. I think - "Why am I so stupid? Anyone else would get this solved this sooner. My T must think I'm the biggest idiot she's ever seen. She must be so sick of me by now. How pathetic it is that I can't learn such simple lessons."

And so sometimes it's embarrassing walking into her office. That she must be thinking, "you again?"

Hearing it as something that's "wrong" with you sounds like it would just hurt and not let you move ahead? I mean "moving ahead" as in feeling it's enjoyable and motivating to do whatever you need to do to be however you want to be.

I've been struggling with therapy seeming like it means I'm doing something "wrong" lately. My t said it's my decision, I could continue to do things the way I have or I could change the way I interact with people. Partly it sounded like something is "wrong" with me and how I interact with people. I'm trying to think of it as not wrong (as far as anyone else is concerned) but just not making me feel as fulfilled as I could.

(((((((skysblue))))))

My T and I go over the same things over and over and over and over again. And I just spent most of my last session saying just what you're saying...I WANT to feel better, I WANT to have different beliefs, I even understand intellectually that I *should* have different beliefs, but the old stuff just hangs on, no matter how hard I work. It's so frustrating.

And I guess when I look at the BIG picture - me now vs. me before I started therapy - I really can see a difference. But talk about baby steps, you know?

My T works in an organization with some really good T's...Ts that are nationally known, that have done their own therapy work for years, that are on TV shows and writing books and doing these really amazing things. And he told me that they still get triggered and they still have to ask for help and do the work. They're not "done". Maybe they will never be done...but I do think they're ACCEPTING of where they're at, and maybe that is they key.

At one point I thought about how it is when my kids have the flu. I don't feel impatient with them or judgmental of them. I don't try to make them "hurry up and get better". I get them blankets, and soup, and books, and movies, and take care of them and wait for it to pass. And I thought, what if I treated MY healing with that same gentleness? I don't get mad at my kids...what if I don't get mad at myself? And just THAT tiny shift...the thought that I could get myself a blanket and some tea instead of working harder and getting down on myself...was a step in the right direction. A step away from "I'm bad".

Be gentle with you

Yeah, that is confusing.

Sky, I am the analytical type where everything has to make sense and align together. I think to myself constantly that I understand what T says yet...I can't seem to make the changes needed to improve the quality of my life. I am constantly thinking that this is such a long process. But then when I sit down and truly think. No T worth their weight in gold thinks you are the dumbest or smartest client. You are you. You are Sky. A good T meets the client where they are at, but also hopes there is a willingness for change. But a good T waits..and tries... and explains things over and over again if need be.

Tree, you really have a way with words. I always love seeing your replies.

Sky, I feel the same way.

Thing is - I DO understand her. I GET the points. But I either forget and/or cannot internalize them enough to make a difference in my life.

Yeah, I can understand this. What we 'feel' to be true can really NOT be true. I keep telling T terrible things about myself and she keeps telling me they're not true. I believe her but I don't believe her. It's like momentarily I feel hope that she's right but then I 'know' she's not because she can't possibly know the whole truth. So, she gently keeps repeating herself and I appreciate that but it's still not sinking in.

Do I really 'need' to keep talking or am I doing it just because I 'want' to. Some kind of narcissism at work here.

"changes when we're ready" - dang, when????

OP i have a hard time processing emotions becuase i kept them bottled up for so long and just felt safer not experiencing them that they are very difficult for me to allow myself to deal with them sometimes. it took me a long time to learn that emotions are not the enemy. they make us human

I'm lucky because my T doesn't direct me on how to do things. She guides me with questions about my feelings and lets me decide how best to align my actions with my feelings.

That's true. Why can't I remember that?

You're right of course. In my rational moments I realize it's my own judgment about myself.

YES! This!!! That constant thought every time someone says something nice -- yeah, but they don't really know me. Or yeah, but they don't really know what I'm thinking.

I have attempted to get my T to collude in labeling/shaming me that I am somehow bad, quite a few times.

It was an exercise in frustration.

Nothing to see here, move along.

Anne