It's over- t broke all of my trust

You guys have been just sooooo AWESOME!! Thank you, I hope that I can repay this support to each and everyone of you when you are in the trenches. Is anyone mad that I haven't responded indivually yet? Please tell me I am worried. And if any of you tell me to use my "wise-mind" I am going to come through the computer and kick your arse!

I only have a couple of minutes so here is the abbreviated version. I will have to write about my feelings and reactions a little later, maybe it has to set in first.

I did go to my appointment and it was really hard. I kept my sunglasses on and my hoodie up the whole time. I never once looked at him. I first started asking questions and not in a very nice way about this consult that he did and who was there, etc, etc... Then he got a little pissed and said that this wasn't going to be helpful. Why did I want to know? Because I was anxious that he was telling bad things about me and who he was telling it to. He said the consult was about him and his behavior and therapy techniques. yada yada.........

So anyway I kind of tuned it down a little. He once again told me that all of his reassurance and oh I can't remember what he said was actually getting in the way because it only helped me for a little while just like my other bad coping skills. It was actually increasing my anxiety instead of myself learning tools to regulate it in myself.

What needs to happen if I want to continue therapy............. Ok does this sound backwards to anyone else here? Like I am the one that did something wrong?
1) once a week sessions for a commitment of one year (to be renegotiated annually)
2) weekly dbt sessions
3)filled out diary cards every week
4) use the phone coaching line when I need to. I am not to punish myself for using it or reward myself for not using it. I am to call it no matter who has it for the week if I need help. (I do have a tendency to only call if my t has it or the other skills t.)
5) Periodic taping of my sessions to be reviewed with this Behavioral Tech guru. Minimum of three. (This is so stupid because I agreed to this before like a year ago and then he only did it once and it wasn't even used.)

I wrote it all down so I will have to check later if I missed anything. I said that if I were to move forward with him I have a couple of mandatory things as well.
1)To never EVER discuss our "fake-*** relationship" again.
2)He would refer me to another therapist outside of this organization that I could see for a limited number of sessions to sort out my feelings about him. It is considered therapy interfering behavior to have to t's in dbt so I had to get it approved so to speak and it will have to be specific to what it is for. i.e. working on my feelings for t.

to be continued........................

ps: if you have a spare moment and could respond I would sure appreciate it. I am going to get back to pc in an hour or so. What do you all think so far? KC

pps: have I said Thank You guys? Really Thank you.

oh one more thing. this is a reminder to myself to tell you about another stipulation so to speak.

Were you happy with how it went? Do you think you can work with him from your side?

dam girl why don't you just join the mafia instead? I think it's a lot easier to get in AND out! and their not so suspicious! and more supportive I think...

When do you have to decide to make the one year committment? Do you have time to discuss things with the T he would refer you to prior to having to make a year committment?

Seems as though the therapy "atmosphere" has changed a lot, what with "stipulations" and all -- BUT I always find it very hard to make an assessment of someone's situation without being there to make my own observations. At a distance I can not really tell. I don't like jumping to conclusions.

Nope, not mad at you for not replying individually, BUT I am going to tell you use your "wise-mind" so i can see how you do that "coming-through-the computer-to-kick-my-arse" thing. I've always wanted to know how to do that.

I do have a couple of concerns though. I have such a strong feeling that your T just really isn't calling the shots there, and that's the over-riding worry. Primarily, how can you trust someone with your therapy when he clearly isn't the one in charge?

Secondly, all the conditions attached seem so involved. Like that Meryl Streep movie ... It's Complicated! It just seems to be way too complicated ahead of the fact to me, Kacey. I'm a visual person, and as I read your post I had this picture in my head of my T wrapping me in gauze during my session. I sure wasn't feeling very comfortable. Granted, that's me projecting myself into your situation ...

Roadie

[QUOTE=Roadie;2303331]

I do have a couple of concerns though. I have such a strong feeling that your T just really isn't calling the shots there, and that's the over-riding worry. Primarily, how can you trust someone with your therapy when he clearly isn't the one in charge?

Just to clarify, are you saying that t's supervisor is in charge or Kacey is trying to take charge with her counter-conditions? Sorry, I'm tired and perhaps being dense!

Kacey, thanks for keeping us posted. My t made me reduce from 2x/wk to 1x/wk because I "wasn't making progress.". It hurt me deeply. It happened about 1 yr ago and it still hurts a little. But we worked through it and I think our relationship today is a good, strong, and healthy one. I really do hope for the best for you.

Best,
EJ

I think you are very brave for going back. You also sound like you are trying to take charge of your healing. That is wonderful. Way to go!

[QUOTE=Eliza Jane;2303341]The supervisor, making counter-conditions meaningless.

No matter what Kacey may think the ground rules are, at any point she could walk into a new set of conditions she never agreed to.

I am having a full-fleged Mother of an effin panic attack. My body has sharp stabbing pains everywhere and I can not really breath real well. I have cacooned myself under my weighted blanket and all the other blankets I could find in my house. I took off all of my clothes cause they were irritating my body. I AM SO OVERWHELMED, If I don't call for help from the coaching line is that breaking the rules? If I do call will they just think nothing is working and change the rules on me again? I feel trapped and I don't know what behavior to do to get me out of this. I'm sorry guys I am just spiraling out of control and I feel bad even for that.

[quote=Roadie;2303361]Just to clarify my t is the clinic director at the division of this company. The DBT guru is someone outside by hire. They are going through a national accredidation for DBT. I think he may have asked for a supervisor from another clinic within the organization but I don't know and I probably can't even ask. I don't even know who's in charge, I always thought it was my t.

Kacey...I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Seriously breathe and use the DBT skills you know. I understand why you're freaking.

What I don't understand is why your T or his supervisor would even be "in charge" of your therapy. All three T's I've seen have told me that I am in charge of the process. Your T has a right to set limits on things, but it seems like he AND his supervisor are trying to put very tight restrictions on you and treat you like a child. This disturbs me on all kinds of levels.

Well done! He had it coming.

Oh my god. Just can not believe this night. I just got a call from my aunt. (My cuz committed SU in Jan). His long-term gf just found her mom dead today. She died from alcoholism. GF ended up calling my aunt while she was trying to do CPR on her mom. GF is so upset because her mom isn't a believer and she say's that she won't be able to go to heaven. Poor little girl. She is a couple years younger than me, a Jr in high school. Why is life so hard?!? I feel like a total loser for spiraling out about t when things like this happen.

Sorry Kacey but this makes me so angry, reading those rules and stipulations certainly sounds authoritarian and like you have done something wrong, like a naughty school child.

You've to get a report card at the end of each session, really????? WTF? This whole situation reeks of B.S to me.

I can't see anything therapeutic in the way they are managing your care.

I hope the panic attacks subside quick, remember your breathing... slow deep breaths xxx

(((( Kacey )))))

I feel so awful for you and what you're going through. And I am SO angry at your T right now.

Please remember that the intensity of these feelings will pass. Try to allow yourself to fully feel whatever you are feeling....let the waves wash over you, so to speak...and try to find a healthy outlet for the excess energy - whether it's exercising, dancing, crying, journaling, posting on PC.....

(((( HUGS )))))

Ditto to what Chopin posted! Your therapist is controlling your therapy and doing so under the guise of helping you become independent. Unfortunately, he doesn't "get it" (in my opinion). Like Chopin said, I wouldn't take a referral from him as he will probably send you to a like-minded therapist. I don't know if you like to read psychology books, but these books really have helped me SO much!

Awakening the Dreamer by Philip Bromberg

and his new book

The Shadow of the Tsunami by Philip Bromberg

These books describe develpmental trauma and dissociation and how attachment associated trauma/dissociation lead to affective dysregulation.

"The affect evoked by trauma is not merely unpleasant but is is a disorganizing hyperarousal that threatens to overwhelm the mind's ability to think, reflect, and process experience cognitively." I think this is what I'm experiencing when I am retraumatized. It's not something that one can be 'wise' about when they haven't learned to trust.

This author "gets it". If you see your therapist again, I would challenge him to read these books with an open mind. I feel for you and want you to know that there are therapists out there who understand, who set boundaries flexibly as opposed to rigidly -- I know because I have one. I'm not saying that it is easy because it is still painful, but the difference is that I have learned to trust my therapist (after 7 years). You are not alone! Take care, I'll keep reading your posts to see how you are doing.

LOL Wepow! I second that motion!

He is a DOUCHECANOE. Ugh . He's the DOUCHE-TITANIC. So sorry. I dont like him. Yuck. Tried to give him benefit of the doubt.
Hugs. Think Lucy on Peanuts is better T. Please take care of yourself. Dont feel vad if ypu need his or groups help right now. Screw the contract. He broke his. You can break yours.

He is a DOUCHECANOE. Ugh . He's the DOUCHE-TITANIC.

oh yeah. couldn't have said it better myself. epic.

((((KACEY))),
I posted above but hadn't read about your session. I really hope you try to find another T outside of this gaggle of Ts.

Therapists often consult with other therapists to deal with their own issues if they think they aren't helping a patient or are experiencing countertransference, etc. But he brought the one he consulted into the therapy room (so to speak) by telling you that he/she thought you were becoming too dependent. You had every right to question that person and your therapist, especially when someone you've never seen is making such a huge decision for you. This doesn't feel right to me at all, it's all too controlling. TC

not having the time for a longer reply, I will say though that I feel disappointed/dismayed by what I read of your T and his continued handling of this. I feel skeptical about some of those conditions......I'll need to think it over more later.
I'm sorry the load feels so heavy right now and I second what MUE said about the intensity of these emotions passing...they will pass! allow yourself to feel them, but do what you need to do to take care of yourself and to keep from being overwhelmed by them.

oh, Kacey. First, allow me to hug you. A lot.

I have to admit to not reading this whole thread. I just sort of skimmed through this page of it, and didn't stop to read too much b/c the topic is still pretty triggery for me.

That being said, with the little bit of info I gleaned from skimming, I felt compelled to post just to let you know I'm here. I know what you're going through, you know that's true. I want to kick your T in the taint. It's hard for me not to paint all of DBT with the same brush when I read about these situations and in light of my own experience with DBT. The therapy itself is empirically effective, I don't argue that. But maybe it's something about the TYPE of THERAPIST that is drawn to DBT in the first place...I don't know. I digress.

I will try to keep up on your situation. Please keep posting, and keep breathing. You will get through this. I thought it would kill me, and it didn't. It won't kill you either, I promise.

Please, please PM me if you want to talk.

PS, wepow, your "give him a piece of your wise mind" comment made me laugh, thank you.

O.M.G. I said this same thing to my ex-T, more than once. It is part of what is so infuriating (for me) about DBT. Wow. Totally feeling you on that one.