Where do you go when you can't go to your T?

For the last year I've been discovering a new me, a new world and a new understanding. I have always felt at home in therapy, Ts office has been my home and my blanket to protect me from the world and to protect me from myself. My real home is not a home at all but a source of misery and pain so you can imagine the relief that therapy brought me.

I am considering leaving therapy but I know when I do my world will flip upside down... I will be alone again; alone in a chaotic place, with my self-destructive mind to guide me. In other words, I will be completely lost.

I am so afraid but what am I supposed to do? What do you do when you choose to leave a therapist... when you know you can go back at any time but you also know it isn't right. It's like quitting drugs, but at least I had my therapist when I did that. I don't know what to do. I have these questions stuck in my head, where will I go when I can't go home to my Ts office, where will I ever feel safe again, how can I handle being all alone again? I'll have no one to call when I'm crying and scared, no one to talk to when I have thoughts, no one to hold me while I cry and to hug me when I've been without physical contact all week.

I'm going in Monday to quit. I feel like I have to give up on life, thinking about it makes me want to kill myself or just cry. I don't know if I'm sad that I have to quit or sad that I lost what could have been a healing relationship.

Has anyone had to leave a T?

Why do you have to quit?

If you are not ready to be out of therapy have you considered finding a new therapist?

Sorry you are going through this.. (((Emptty)))

There are boundary issues that are forcing me to leave. My therapist lacks ethical boundaries. I am going to find a new one but I don't even want to... too discouraged. And even if I did find a new one... to build a good and safe relationship would take months.

I think you could benefit from seeing a new T.

You can read comments/ratings on Angieslist. It is worth the money.

Find a new therapist, preferably for you probably a female therapist, who can help you deal with the loss and betrayal you are dealing with concerning your current T. You don't have to go from this current T to no T at all. You can find a therapist, probably fairly quickly, who will be able to be that support for you.

I've had to switch therapists over the years for a number of reasons, not as traumatic as yours though. What I have found amazing is that I was able to find new T's to replace the old who were just as skilled and caring and supportive as the one before. I would never have believed that Ralph or John could have been replaced, but they were and I continued to heal under another T's expert care. You can find that too. It isn't all or nothing.

omg I did actually once tell a T "I'm seeing someone else". I saw the new guy, a psychiatrist, in the morning, and quit the old guy, just a psychologist, in the afternoon. I TOTALLY recommend you do the same. Don't try to do this alone. Even if you end up just seeing this new person for a transition period, until you find "the best" T fit for your circumstances. Just find somebody safe for now. We are all on your side and hope the best for you. actually I wouldn't even go back to your old T. if he is truly sorry, he can report himself. otherwise, what does he have to say to you that could possibly make any difference? I would be afraid to be alone with him now, but then i'm a little crazy.

I'm so glad you made the decision to leave. There are lots of good T's out there, and you can find a better one who will actually help you rather than feed your addiction. You deserve to be treated so much better than you have been. Since you want to have a lot of contact with T during the week, be sure and ask any prospective T's about their phone and email policies, etc. Some only allow limited or no contact between sessions, so one of those wouldn't work for you. Good to find out up front what their policies are. Good luck - hope your current T supports your decision to leave. God knows, he should.......

Hugs to you And keep posting here if it helps you feel less alone. There are always people around, 24/7.

Hankster's post has a great deal of wisdom in it. Read and reread it.

I particularly agree with not going back to see this old T at all. Nothing good will come of it. He will either deny any wrong-doing, or he will blame you, or he will manipulate you into staying so he can continue to harm you. He won't admit his wrongs. He won't apologize and even if he does it will probably be in a last ditch effort to keep you from reporting him. He won't be able to make this any easier for you. This is not and cannot be a healthy termination; there is too much dysfunction in that therapy relationship.

Find a therapist to help you through this. Yes, you might need to try a few to find the right fit, but have someone to help you from the very start.

I am so incredibly relieved to hear you are doing this for yourself.

The people on the boards speak from experience. I left my first T months after the urging of EVERYONE on here and set out to find a new one and he is amazing. Don't give up on YOU because your current T was a bad seed. There are good ones out there, dare I say great ones..it's worth the time and effort, as are you.


And I strongly urge you find a female.

My first T (T1) I left because I didn't think she could help me anymore. It was extremely painful for me and I would see her around town.

I then moved on to T2 who isn't good with boundaries, I don't feel safe with and I have to leave the therapeutic relationship.

I am going back to T1 now because she is now doing EMDR (the reason why I went to T2 to begin with). T1 isn't perfect but holds excellent boundaries and I need that. I am an abuse survivor and I didn't feel safe with T2 because while she was extremely knowledgeable she was having some sort of negative transference with me (don't quite understand it all).

You will find a new T that will be good for you. Make sure you tell your new T that you need firm boundaries.... and I would get a new T and meet with them ASAP.

Ps - we are here for you on PC

I'm glad you've made this decision Emptty. No good could come out of your current situation. I urge you to look for another T; a good one will help you process the loss of your current T. I'd recommend a female also. Best wishes!

I felt I had to leave a group. I still don't understand what went wrong.

Hi,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! Please find someone else to help you deal with the loss of this t, someone caring with good boundaries and who you can trust. It might take months to build the relationship, but it's worth it if it will help you heal, which with the right t you can!
I've switched ts before. I worked for over two years with someone, who I loved deeply (like a mother) but who I realized in the end was emotionally abusive and had poor boundaries. And she wasn't even licensed so there was no board to report her to! That loss was so hard. I went right from her to someone else, with only a couple weeks in between. This person was great for a while, really helped with family issues and other things. But ended up being too defensive whenI'd bring up issues she claims she wasn't trained to help me with, (like filling out forms for the state mental health department and writing a diagnosis!)
So I left her, and then luckily could go and see an intern at the college counseling center who turned out to be wonderful! At the same time I was seeing her I was also seeing my voice movement therapist and we have a solid relationship so for a time I was well covered andfeel this arrangement of two ts was very benificial to me.
Since June I've been in Chicago, and so left VMT t because of the move. And I'm struggling. And finding someone isn't easy when you have almost no money that isn't tied up in rent and medicade has limeted choices. But I hope to find something soon.
Please get the help you deserve, and if you want to talk more aboutleaving an abusive t PM me. I know what you're going through.

Emptty, I read your other thread but did not reply to it because I couldn't add anything to what other people had already said... I just wanted to say, here, that I think you are doing the right thing. It's got to be excruciatingly difficult and painful, but I'm completely convinced that you have made the right decision. Please try to find another therapist. And do post here - there is a lot of support to be found in these boards. Take care of yourself.

Emptty I am so proud of you! I think you are doing the right thing. I think you should find a new T and make an appointment as soon as you can! I agree that a female would be a GREAT idea to help you. I am so proud of you, I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you, I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!! Feel free to PM me if you need anything. I'm not sure where you live but I'm sure there are ethical Ts there.

Remember, you can always interview potential new Ts on the phone and/or just go in for one session to see how you feel. A lot of times(maybe not always), people have a "gut" reaction and will get a sense of whether or not they feel safe/comfortable with a particular T. You don't have to do this right away, as was mentioned, but there are good Ts out there and you deserve to have a T who has your best interests at heart.

I'm so relieved to hear you say this.
I agree with others-don't go back. If I were you I'd just send him a text saying- among other things- that if he were to contact you again you'll report him. That should do the trick.
Most Ts are better than this one- some are even great. I too think that looking for a female T might be a good idea. But the most important thing is to have some support to be able to go through this. This site could be great but it can't replace the support of real human being, who knows you and deeply cares about you. Wishing you all the best- you deserve some happiness in your life for a change.

Leaving T is going to be so hard. I don't know if I can do it... but I plan on trying. It's just hard when there's nothing to fall back on. Life is already stressful. I never wanted to go to a female T(I'm more comfortable with men) but I guess that's my only option because any male T would refer me to a female if he knew I was screwing my former T!

Ugh, gonna be too difficult. I figure it could turn out 1 of 2 ways. Either I go and quit or I go and screw around with him again and decide to stay. I don't want to quit without seeing him one last time. He means a lot to me. I feel like I'm losing the only good father-figure I ever had.

Emptty, good fathers don't sexually abuse their daughters. Please reconsider going to see him again.

It is possible to interview other therapists and put off quitting with the one you have until you have found another one. I do not mean you have to go see the one you have in person again - I personally would not think that a good idea for me, but you could say you needed some space or a break and during the time look for another and then quit or whatever with the one you have - and you would have a support t in place then when you actually told him about quitting. Just another option.

Last time my T went on vacation I attempted suicide and I've never ever missed a session, neither has he(except his two vacations but we always had phone/email contact). I have issues with rejection/abandonment(no idea where they stem from) but I called a few Ts last night and some of them sounded OK but I couldn't bring myself to make any new appointments. This is just too hard for me. I don't know why but my current T is the only one I've ever really connected with. I've been clinging to him since a month into the relationship and I feel like there's no going back but I'll have to figure something out. Quitting out of nowhere is not going to work. My T is like meth... can't throw that **** out!

I understand it is hard and I also understand it is completely your decision regardless of anyone else's opinion about what you and this guy are doing. I have no opinion as to the morality of any of the players here, but there are ways to start to mitigate your damages (as in the high risk of you being very hurt and damaged by this situation) and for me, that would be to find and have in place another therapist I thought I could eventually trust. Do you know what you want? Is what you want possible and attainable in any reasonably probable way?
Could you afford to see this therapist (this assumes he is still being paid when you see him) and another therapist at the same time for awhile with goal to leave the first one? Are you willing to actually leave him? Are you willing to risk him quitting you because of his own guilt/situation/fear of exposure or whatever without having another support in place?
I think there may need to be and understanding having a new therapist might also involve an acceptance that the new one will probably not condone the actions of the old one and will encourage you to break off - but you would have to be willing to accept that as a possibility.

If it were me in this situation, I would probably start with a fantasy and a wish it would all work out with the original therapist and I would not have to change my behavior or be hurt and no one else would be hurt either and we all lived happily ever after continuing to do what we were doing and having it be beneficial to all. Hopefully I would eventually come to understand it was just a fantasy and I was going to hurt one way or the other and then move forward to try to choose the healthier and more empowering hurt - leaving the old therapist and working with a new one who was able to help me through the situation with the old one without judgement. It is a choice between two hurts - and one of them is the better hurt to endure. In my opinion.

I wish you luck with whatever decision you make.

I'm going to second what Farmergirl said, "Emptty, Good fathers don't sexually abuse their daughters."

My heart breaks for you.

Empty, I feel for you right now! YOu are going through such a bad time with this T and probably feeling a lot worse than you should be. This isn't your fault none of it, he has terrible boundaries for a T and this has lead to you falling for him and getting so attached, he knows exactly how to play you and I am sorry this has happened to you.
I reacted badly to your other post and I apologise sincerely(when I hear of any affairs I get really affected, its no excuse but my heart was broken beyound all repair by an affair).
I do hope you can bring yourself to make another appointment so that you can start to feel better

Thanks button(and everyone else).

Even though I recognize I'm not in a very good situation, I'm happy to say this hasn't been that bad. Leaving will be bad but the relationship and sexual involvement doesn't seem to have bothered/hurt too much.

Calling it abuse makes me cringe because it really wasn't "bad"... I guess it wasn't/isn't good either